Chapter 8 - Remember what you're staring at is me


His chest burned as he raced as fast as he could up the steps. The night sky burned like daylight in the flames that threatened to consume him.

A muffled shout and a dull thud sounded from the ceiling and he pushed through the agony in his body to go faster.

His partner lay in the ground, blood spilling through her lips like her beautiful red tresses spilled from her undone ponytail.

He fell to his knees by her side, cradling her broken body. "I'm sorry, I'm sorry. I won't let this happen again. I promise." He whispered brokenly to the dying woman.

All she offered in return was a beatific smile.

With ragged breath he ascended the stairs, the heat of the flames evaporating his sweat before it could fall.

A pained scream came from above and he ignored the dull aches in his leg as he pushed himself to go faster.

He kicked the door to the rooftop open to see his partner standing there, shock in her eyes and an arrow in her chest. She opened her mouth to speak, but only blood came out.

He caught her before she could fall. "I'm sorry. I'll save you next time." He whispered to the dying woman. Her emerald eyes shined with the contrast of the blood leaking from her full lips.

Her cold hand caressed his cheek tenderly as she tried to speak.

No words came.

He raced up the steps with a numb body, almost jumping them. The sky outside burned like the sun exploded, washing the surroundings with stifling heat.

He felt none of it.

An agonized scream pierced his ears, as if it had come from right beside him. He increased his pace even with the disorientation of his ringing ears.

He body checked the door, continuing his run to reach his partner. He outstretched his hand to grab her, but the arrow reached her first.

He didn't let her fall this time, gently laying her down with the most gentleness his shaky hands could muster.

"I'm sorry. I'll be faster next time." He repeated his broken mantra with dead eyes. He didn't know who he asked for forgiveness anymore.

His partner smiled, even as the red leaked from her hair to join her blood on the floor, white, soft tresses being left behind.

"It's okay." Her voice was weak and fading fast. Her hand lovingly caressed his face, and he grabbed it in a soft grip.

"I didn't expect you to save me…"


Nathan awoke with a gasp, eyes snapping open. He lurched into a sitting position, his whole body shaking. Tears fell from his eyes, soaking his clothes. His head fell to his face as he took deep breaths. When he started feeling better he got up, and raced to the bathroom.

The cold water from the tap made his skin prickle, but made him focus back to reality. He raised his head, and his eyes zeroed in on his reflection. Slightly pale skin. Red eyes. Faded dark bags under his eyes. He looked like shit.

Hermione's scarf was still securely wrapped around his neck, warmth emanating from it. He gently touched the soft texture, almost caressing it. It gave him enough courage to leave the bathroom with a weary sigh.

The moment he stepped out his eyes went straight to the empty glass vial, sat mockingly in his night stand. Holding the cold container in his hands, he felt the sudden urge to throw it out the window, his arm rearing back to start the motion.

Before he got a hold of himself and put it back down, knowing the action would bring no comfort, even if a little anger still simmered in his chest. Of course the potion wouldn't work. Why would it? He could never be that lucky. After angrily pulling on his sweater, he picked up his bag, adjusted his scarf, and stomped out of the room.

There was no one downstairs, just like all the other days recently. It didn't faze him like before. Still too early. He opened the exit forcefully, and heard the woman in the portrait trying to catch his attention as he walked away.

There was still a little time before curfew ended, but he didn't care. His heavy footfalls reverberated in the empty corridors, the echo making his head ring with pain. His rush continued even when he'd stopped stomping on stone and instead crunched snow and grass.

His march halted with the familiar sound of waves and ringing that came to his ears. Nathan collapsed on top of a rock, gazing into the lake.

He sat for some time, eyes closed, ears ringing. He sat, and felt his heart calming, his breath easing. He only opened his eyes when he felt his head wasn't going to explode anymore.

It was still dark, but he could see the sun peeking over the mountains. Rays of light illuminated the lake lightly, the Durmstrang boat glowing eerily like a ghost ship.

His hands pulled his sketchbook from his bag on their own, and started moving, Nathan only vaguely registering what he was doing.

Hunger hit his stomach and his hands finally stopped. Three pages had been filled The boat. A bird amongst trees. Hermione. All three incredibly detailed sketches. He barely remembered drawing them.

The drawings etched themselves into his brain as he walked to the castle. Just like all the faces in his dreams.


Nathan entered the great hall, a heavy frown on his face, as he sat in his usual spot by his lonesome. This would be the one time he would be thankful of spending most of his free time alone.

"Hey Nathan!" The voice startled him, the ham he was holding falling to the table. He looked for the voice, and found Neville- As he learned his name was from one of his roommates- sitting across from him with a sheepish smile. "Sup." Nathan answered, before going back to his sandwich.

"Is everything okay?" The uncertain voice made him stop, looking up to see his roommate looking worried. "You were already gone when I woke up. A-and you don't look too good…"

Even with the stutter and nervousness, it was easy to see the honest worry in the boy. He didn't want to lie to him. "Just had a bad dream, and wanted to get some fresh air." That was as much as he was willing to share.

"You can talk to me. If-if you want to, i mean." Nathan smiled and thanked him, but did not want to linger on the topic.

"So, you excited for tonight?" He asked as he kept preparing his sandwiches. He watched as Neville slowly became a tomato. "I'm very nervous. I-I hope i don't mess up." The red boy dried his hands on his pants, and took a drink of a nearby goblet.

"You've been practicing a lot, you'll be fine." He could never forget watching Neville dancing alone in the dorm. He had to spend some time outside laughing before going back in. It was unfair to laugh at the boy, but the ridiculousness overcame him.

Neville seemed to perk up a little, but was still far from confident. Having finished preparing his sandwiches, Nathan put them in his bag and got up. "Just relax and try to have fun alright?"

A shy grin was Neville's response, and Nathan grinned back. "I'll see you tonight." He offered his fist to the boy, who looked at it confused. "Do this with your hand." The boy did what he asked, and Nathan softly hit their fists together. "That's a fist bump!" He said as he walked out, intent of finding a way to kill time.


"AQUA ERUCTO!" Nathan screamed with as much conviction and confidence as he could muster, wand movements identical to the ones in the textbook.

A small stream of water flew less than a meter and slightly to the left of his aim.

"Ugghhh…" With a deep groan he fell to his bottom, his arms falling limp by his sides. Hours practicing, and similar results with all the spells he knew. Wand movement was always right. Pronunciation too. So what was the problem?

It felt like there were so many things holding him back. Physically and mentally.

His body always rejected the action of casting, his arms feeling awkward in their movement. It felt like fighting against a current. Like going against deep rooted muscle memory. Like he would swish his magic stick around hoping for the best, and his body would scream at him that this wasn't it!

His brain too was uncooperative most times. Random words would pop in his mind with conviction, sometimes in Latin, sometimes in languages he had no clue of, as if his subconscious was trying to tell him that that was the correct incantation.

This resulted in him stumbling over his own tongue, incoherent babbling coming out of his mouth. That happened when he didn't outright speak the random words aloud, as if his lips had a mind of their own. None of them had any effect.

But a small part of him always expected them to.

At one point he had even tried his hands. Nathan had felt infinitely more comfortable that way. Sadly, nothing had happened, even if he swore he had felt a stirring of something beneath his skin. But it couldn't be magic. He never got that feeling when he successfully cast a spell.

"Hyacintho Ignis…" He mumbled the words, a lazy swish of his wand following after. Blue flames appeared around him, multiple balls of fire surrounding him in all directions. He cradled one in his hand, watching mesmerized like always as it languidly danced around his skin, traveling up his arm slowly.

This was the one spell he had no problem casting, coming naturally to him since Hermione had taught him.

It had enraptured him since the first time he cast it, the strange feeling of familiarity not abating in any way since then. The color, the movement, how it felt wrapped around him. All strangely familiar. All strangely comforting.

He cut the flames when a faint ringing started.

A deep sigh escaped him as his limp hands came to rub at his face, before finding purchase on the ground so he could stand up. The light streaming through the window of the abandoned classroom he had appropriated for his own use was much dimmer than earlier. Night was approaching, and so was the yule ball.

He couldn't help the slight shudder as he thought about the event.


I should've stayed outside. That was the only thought he had about what he was seeing.

One of his roommates was in the worst set of clothes he had ever seen. Sure, it didn't mean much coming from him, but he was confident he was right.

Nathan couldn't even comprehend, much less describe, the monstrosity that the kid was wearing. His eyes were actually starting to hurt, with the amount of clashing patterns in the thing.

The door to the bathroom opened, and Nathan broke out of his daze. He quickly grabbed his things and rushed to the bathroom. I really hope i don't see that thing again.

He dressed himself as carefully as he could, the feeling of preciousness of the clothes making him afraid to damage the cloth.

He finished dressing and looked at himself in the mirror. The clothes were of very high quality, and looked beautiful. He had never looked better, and he doubted he ever would again.

This looks wrong . These clothes weren't his. He looked good, truly, but it wasn't his style. These clothes aren't mine .

With a sigh, and one last combing of his hair with his hands, Nathan got out of the bathroom.

And rushed straight out of the door without looking at the rest of the room.

His pace was leisure, if not very slow . His dread towards the event had been piling up all day and he was doing all he could to delay it.

But in no time at all he was at the crowded entrance to the great hall. His eyes roved over the sea of people, the multitude of colors reminiscent of the horrible dress robes. He walked to the quietest place he saw.

He was interrupted by a hand on his shoulder. Turning, he saw Viktor Krum, standing in what looked like very formal military wear. Very fitting for the scowling man, the blood red complimenting his serious aura.

"My friend, you are looking better than vhen I normally see you!" The man said with a smile, as they shook hands. Even the thick accent couldn't hide the mirth in his voice.

"Well, we usually meet when I'm on the verge of death and almost drowning in my own sweat." Nathan couldn't help the grin on his face as he answered. The man gave a single bark of a laugh, and slapped him hard on the shoulder.

Already Nathan was feeling a little more relaxed. He went to keep the conversation going, but saw Krum focused on something behind him. He turned to see what he was looking at, eyes roaming up the stairs. He froze at what he saw.

Hermione was walking down the stairs, a shy but radiant smile on her face. He felt a smile of his own growing in his face. I knew she would look beautiful.

She was dressed in a pretty pink dress, and her hair was done in an intricate bun. Even with the makeup and the jewelry her smile was the most entrancing thing about her.

His grin stretched in his face, as he looked around the room, he could see everyone looking at her, some even pointing and whispering to their friends. He blinked and turned back to watch her once more.

She was almost at the end of the stairs, her posture growing more confident with each step, as her periwinkle blue dress floated behind her-

.

What?

Vertigo overtook him, and he almost fell to the ground. His vision was filled with static. His ears were assaulted by a torturous ringing, a moan of discomfort escaping him. He blinked hard , trying to stop the pain and dizziness.

One step, a blink. Her dress went back to pink.

Another step, another blink. Her dress was back to blue.

He closed his eyes, and rubbed vigorously at his eyes, before daring to open them.

She reached the ground floor and everything suddenly went back to normal, the sudden vanishing of all the sensations leaving him with another completely different kind of disorientation.

What the fuck?...

With some deep breaths with his eyes closed, he managed to calm himself down. No one had noticed, as everyone had been too preoccupied.

Hermione approached, and Krum went forward to greet her. Nathan took the time to make sure he was looking normal, hurriedly wiping his bloody nose.

The couple finished talking, and the girl approached him. "Nate, you look very handsome!" She said as she gave a surprise hug, which he reciprocated after gathering his wits.

"I don't look nearly as good as you!" He said after they broke their hug, making her blush prettily. He extended his hand, silently asking for hers, to which she obliged. He bowed as he placed a gentle kiss on her knuckles. " Enchanté, mademoiselle . Let me be one of the many that will say this to you today, but you look positively radiant."

She giggled with a pretty blush, equally touched and amused by his dramatic complement. She curtsied to him as she decided to play along. "Thank you, my good knight!"

"All champions, gather at me, if you would!" Mcgonagall said, trying to be heard over the cacophony of the room.

With one last bow, this time to the couple, Nathan told them to have fun, and walked away, to wait for the official start of the ball.

In no time the students were ushered into the great hall, while the champions waited outside. The decor of the room was captivatingly beautiful, having been transformed into a winter wonderland ballroom.

"Nate, over here!" Somehow hearing the shout of his name, Nathan turned to see Neville trying to get his attention.

Approaching the tall boy, he saw the rest of his roommates also at the table with their dates. Sitting down at a spot besides Neville, he took the time to truly appreciate the surroundings. The amount of details were staggering.

"Hey mate, where's your date?" His trance broken, Nathan turned to see the redhead looking strangely at him. Weasley, he thought was his surname. I should really find out their names.

"Oh, I didn't ask anyone!" His answer brought the attention of everyone at the table to him. Usually, he would be pretty uncomfortable. But the night was already shaping up to be kinda shit, so he decided to have some fun. "I was going to ask Krum, but as you can see, Hermione beat me to it."

The mortified expressions on the teens were priceless to him, especially the redhead's. Though the chill kid did seem to find his joke amusing.

The redhead went to open his mouth, but was interrupted by the announcement of the champions entering.

Everyone stood up and piled up, making a sort of corridor. One by one the champions passed, the students watching on with envy. Hermione was smiling sunnily, in heavy contrast to the kid that entered last.

Nathan had to do a double take. The kid was by far the smallest of the champions, looking like he was in the same year as him. When he got closer he realized he was right, because the kid was his glasses wearing roommate.

Do wizards not know what the prefix 'tri' means? He couldn't help but pity the kid. Clearly he didn't want to be there. He could sympathize.

The champions went to the center of the room and started their dance. Sure steps and graceful turns were made by all the couples, except one. Nathan couldn't help but keep looking at the kid blundering his way through the waltz. It was like looking at a car crash.

He tore his gaze away to look at Hermione. Her beaming smile kept somehow growing every time he looked at her. Her graceful moves and confident steps made her look like a professional, her dress flowing and moving behind her. He could still see a shadow of that blue dress when he blinked. But her beatific smile always remained.

In spite of his earlier reservations, time seemed to fly by. Who knew watching teenagers be awkward could be so fun? Though talking to Neville and that chill kid, Dean was his name, was also fun.

Standing by the refreshment table with the rest of the kids who didn't want to dance was starting to bore him, but the good music kept him company. He sometimes found himself closing his eyes and letting the beautiful melody flow through him.

He opened his eyes to see Hermione and Krum approaching. "You guys having fun?" He asked with a grin. Both were smiling, but Hermione's wasn't as strong as before, probably tired from all the dancing.

The couple grabbed their refreshments and leaned against the nearby wall. "Yes, but my feet are starting to hurt." The girl said with a grin of her own. He could see why; Those heels would be killer to stay in for the rest of the night.

"You should take them off." He said while pointing to her shoes. She looked at him unimpressed but he didn't understand why. "Really, it's only gonna get worse for the rest of the night." He took a sip of his beverage, his face scrunching up, this drink was way too sweet. "Besides, no one will pay attention."

It looked like she was starting to consider the idea, so he sweetened the deal. "I'll hold onto em for ya!" He said as he extended his hands. The girl sighed and bent down, undoing the straps of her footwear.

She straightened back up, heels in hand. But instead of giving them to Nathan, she offered them to Krum, who took the shoes with a confused expression.

Nathan watched in befuddlement as Hermione turned to him and grabbed his drink, and then put it on a nearby table. "I promised you a dance, remember?" She said as she grabbed his hand.

Nathan looked from her to Krum, trying to see his reaction. The man smiled and nodded, and Nathan looked back at the girl. She huffed with indignation but her smile grew, as she started pulling him towards the dance floor.

She turned to him when they stopped, and Nathan felt his absent nerves make a reappearance. He bowed dramatically, trying to hide his nervousness. Hermione giggled at his antics and curtsied to him, and he felt his nerves settle a little.

Hoping he was doing it right, he put his hand on her waist, the other grabbing her's. The song was slow, so there was no reason to rush and step on her feet.

"You know he isnt my boyfriend, right?" He turned his attention from her feet, seeing her looking at him with amusement.

"Look, I'm not going to insult the guy when he can break my face with one punch!" Hermione laughed, eyes lighting up with glee and smile becoming bigger.

"So, are you having fun?" The girl asked as she stepped a little closer to him.

"Now i am." He answered her softly. He was surprised by how truthful the statement was. "Though I doubt you're enjoying yourself now."

"What makes you say that?" She said with a coy smile, and stepped ever so slightly closer. "Besides, you're not even close to dancing like Harry."

There was only one person she could have been talking about. It was nice to finally put a name to the face. "I'd have to try really hard to dance that badly!"

The girl laughed before sobering up. "I knew I should've asked to teach him how to dance."

"Nah, that looked like a lost cause to me!" Hermione slapped his shoulder for his comment, but her face held no admonishment.

A comfortable silence stretched between them, and Nathan lost himself to the moment. His body moved on its own, remembering the steps to a song he had never danced to before.

"I never would have guessed you knew how to dance so well." Hermione said, her hands on his neck, and his hands on her waist. Her smile was wide and radiant, just like it was in the beginning of the ball.

Their waltz became a slow dance at one point, their bodies almost pressed against one another. Nathan couldn't remember when the change happened.

"Did you have dance lessons, or are you naturally this talented?" She inquired with a cute tilt of her head.

"Of course I was born this good! Who do you take me for, a hard working man?" His cheeky answer made her laugh even more, and he watched her face light up with glee. He really liked making her laugh.

They stayed silent for some moments, simply appreciating the moment. The music became louder, going into a crescendo. They didn't change their pace, still going slowly and enjoying themselves.

"Your smile is pretty." He blurted out, and instantly felt heat rise to his cheeks. Hermione ducked her head, a pretty blush on her face as she mumbled her thanks. He was sure there was some lonely guy by the refreshment table, laughing at their awkwardness.

rrriiiiiiiiiinnnnnnnnggggggg-

A flash of white assaulted his vision, and a hellish noise filled his ears. But he didnt feel dizziness, nor pain. Only a numbness, that filled him from head to toe, and made his head swim.

His vision cleared and he understood nothing of what he was seeing.

The room was different. No longer a castle, but a modern ballroom, with none of the winter decoration. His clothes changed, being a simple three piece suit.

The person in his arms wasn't the same. Brown hair, chocolate eyes, and bright smile, all gone.

In its place was long straight white hair, on an off center ponytail, a tiara holding it in place. Ice cold sharp blue eyes, an equally sharp but thin scar running down through the left eye.

Her smile was small, hard to see. But still exuded warmth, a strange juxtaposition to the rest of her demeanor and appearance.

Somehow, the music was the most jarring thing. It sounded muffled, like it was being played in another room. Somehow he could hear it perfectly, and the paradox only confused him more. The sound was similar to before, the same style, but still changed. The familiarity of the melody pulled on his soul, a terrible ache filing his heart.

He focused back on the girl. A frown marred her beatific face, a worried glint on her eyes. Her mouth opened and closed, but he couldn't hear anything she said.

The song slowed down, and his vision changed with it, slowly fading back to Hermione. Her face mirrored the other girl's, worry clear on her features.

"Are you okay?" Her distress dripped from her words, and Nathan barely held back his flinch.

"Yeah, just got kinda, um dizzy" His voice became uncertain as the sentence went on, barely being heard if they weren't so close. Not an ounce of worry left her pretty face at his failure of reassurance.

"But, your eyes…" She trailed off, as if she was didnt know what she was going to say. The room felt suffocating all of a sudden. He needed to get out.

Nathan stopped away from her, but still held on to her waist with one hand. He turned to where Krum was, and waved him over. Turning back to Hermione, he picked her hand and pressed a gentle kiss to her knuckles, taking the moment to close his eyes and take a deep breath without her noticing.

Viktor reached them, and Nathan offered her hand to him. "Thank you for the wonderful time Hermione, but I need to get some fresh air. '' He did his best to be polite and respectful, but turned and walked away before they could answer, unaware of her gaze following him until he vanished.

The decorations made to the gardens outside were just as pretty as the ones in the hall, just a lot less overwhelming. He barely noticed any of it, walking aimlessly while trying to calm his beating heart.

His feet took him to a little space inside the garden maze, almost like a little room. A lone tree sat in the middle, with a bench giving it some company. His body fell heavily into the stone seat, as he slouched forwards, elbows on knees.

His hand pulled and massaged his head, trying to ease the pain that had been steadily building. It wasn't helping.

Even now, with every blink, he could see the images in the darkness of his closed eyelids. Hermione walking down the stairs in a blue dress. The white haired girl dancing with him.

He could hear the music of the ball playing far away, and he swore it was the same song while he was in that… state. He felt like he was going mad.

What had that been? A mirage? A prank by someone? That made no sense to him. It was too elaborate. Too real , to be just a joke. It was also too terrifying to be funny.

Was it some kind of vision then? If so, why was he seeing them? Why now? What was he seeing?

So many questions whirled in a maelstrom in his mind. He felt like he was going to pass out in pain at any moment.

Was that the same as the dreams?

The epiphany stopped all other thoughts, and the sudden clearness and understanding gave him vertigo so great the bushes were looking like they were melting.

He closed his eyes and dug the palm of his hands into them, hoping the pressure would help. God fucking dammit. That's it, isn't it? The dreams and these visions are connected. His own thoughts sounded tired instead of angry to him, hard to hear through his deep, haggard breath.

He sat in that same position, not moving. No other thoughts came to him. Like the realization had completely shut his brain off. The quiet didnt help in the slightest.

Finally feeling marginally better, he straightened himself, feeling his back pop. He pulled out his watch from his coat pocket, and even that motion felt draining. 23:37, the ball was already ending.

With a sigh, he stood up slowly, and started dragging himself back. With all of this he wasn't even able to hear the band Hermione had told him about.

Back at the entrance to the great hall, he could see only a few couples remained, dancing slowly. He thought of going in to see if his friends were still there, but felt too tired for it.

The sound of crying caught his attention, and he turned to see Herrmione weeping alone on the staircase. He ran to her, energy he didn't know he still had flooding his body.

Quickly reaching her, he crouched down to her level. "What's Wrong?! What happened?!" The girl startled as she looked at him with wide shiny eyes, before recognition flooded her gaze and she threw herself at him, hugging him with all her might.

He squeezed her back, while doing soothing motions on her back with his hand. It seemed like she wasn't going to calm down, but she did after a long moment.

Pulling back to look at her, he saw her smudged make up on her red face. He gently cleared her tears with his gloved hand. "What happened?" He asked, trying to keep his voice as soft as possible.

She shook her head after he hadd withdrawn his hand. "Nothing… Just a stupid row with Ron."

He stood up and offered his hands to her. "You shouldn't let that keep you down tonight." He said as she took his hands and he helped her up.

His weak words didn't help her, as a small frown stayed on her face their whole walk back to the dorms. The trek was spent in silence. Nathan tried to think of something else to say, but his tiredness had come back.

They entered the empty common room, and he watched Hermione sadly walk towards the stairs. He really didn't want her going to bed like that.

Their position in the room reminded him of the previous night, and he had an idea that might get her spirits up.

Rushing to her, he caught her attention with a hand to her shoulder. "Could you wait a little bit? I got something to give you." After her slow nod he rushed up the stairs, not even trying to be silent.

He went to his bag, ignoring the other people in the room. Retrieving his sketchbook, he ripped the page with the drawing without hesitation.

Getting back downstairs, he found her standing by the fireplace, looking into the flames. Her hair glowed with her dress. He couldn't help but think she would look better in blue.

"Sorry for the lame present, but I did my best." He said to get her attention, and shyly offered her the piece of paper when she turned to him. "Merry christmas."

The girl gingerly picked the paper, holding it almost reverently. Her eyes roamed the page, looking at every detail. Her eyes turned to his, deep with emotion.

"It's beautiful." She said softly, before stepping forwards and embracing him gently. "Thank you…" She whispered in his ear, making goosebumps travel down his spine, and the kiss on the cheek only made it worse.

They separated, and Nathan knew with certainty his whole face was red. He took her hand and placed a kiss on it as he bowed, trying to mask his discomfort. "Good night my fair lady. May your dreams be just as blessed as the time I spent with you tonight."

Hermione laughed at his silliness, and a smile spread on his face as he straightened back up. At least she would go to sleep feeling a little better. The lady curtsied and wished him a good night, before disappearing upstairs.

With every step of the stairs his smile vanished. He entered the room with a frown deeply planted in his face. He quickly changed clothes and went to bed.

He laid facing the ceiling, terrified of closing his eyes. The dreams were starting to invade his waking hours. He did not want to see what would happen if he succumbed to the darkness.

The choice was taken out of his hands. The lethargy settled in him, heavier by the second. Until sleep claimed him, his body resting just like a corpse in a coffin would.