Disclaimer: I do not own Harry Potter.
A/N: Thank you for all the reviews! I love hearing what you guys think! The next few chapters will be heavily based on the Deathly Hallows and I will be skipping some events since I don't want to repeat canon too much.
Chapter 19
Hermione sat in her own compartment on the Hogwarts Express the following morning. The school year was over and she was headed back home for the summer. Harry and Ron had refused to acknowledge her that morning and Ginny had hesitantly allowed herself to be pulled along to find a separate compartment by Harry when they had boarded the train.
She didn't mind. Sure, it hurt that she had no one to lean on through her greatest heartbreak but she deserved it. Everything that had happened yesterday had been her fault. McGonagall had been understanding and although a bit disappointed, she did not blame Hermione for her naiveness. But that didn't stop Hermione from blaming herself.
You're a fool, Hermione. She thought to herself bitterly.
Of course no guy would have gone for her out of genuineness. Draco had pursued her because he needed her brains to help him repair the cabinet. Like everyone else she knew, he had used her and seen her as nothing more than a know it all bookworm. All of it had been one big lie and had she not ran after Harry last night she would have never even known the whole story. Draco had planned on running away without even a goodbye…
Although she was angry at both him and herself, the worst part of this whole situation was the ache in her heart. She hadn't slept a wink last night and had spent most of the night crying in her bed. She had really loved Draco Malfoy. He had brought out a side of her that she had never experienced; a wild, sneaky, lovesick side that made her feel like a real teenage girl. Just like in the muggle romance novels she had read growing up. He hadn't exactly been a typical Prince Charming but he had been the one for her. She couldn't imagine giving herself to anyone after him and she hated the fact that despite everything, she still felt a certain loyalty to him.
As her mind began to wander to Dumbledore and his still fresh death, she squeezed her eyes shut and raised her hand to her head. She couldn't stop the guilt rising up within her every time she wasn't thinking about her heartbreak. Dumbledore's death… his assination had been all her fault. Without her fixing the cabinet with Draco, Dumbledore might still be alive. His blood was on her hands. Bill getting attacked by Greyback last night was her fault. The Order members who had gotten injured during the attack last night had been because of her. If only she had figured it out…
"Hermione." She heard her name being called and jumped in her seat as she was pulled from her thoughts. She looked up to find Blaise Zabini staring at her.
She eyed him distrustfully before lowering her head in a fixture of shame and embarrassment. He and Draco had probably had a good laugh about the whole situation at her expense.
"Mind if I join you?" he asked, stepping in and shutting the compartment door behind him.
She didn't respond. She didn't really want to talk to anyone. She was too drained by the events of last night. The slice in her thigh ached and her wrists and hands throbbed in pain after being used to repeatedly hit Draco. Her head also pounded from her hours of crying and lack of sleep.
Blaise sat across her, eyes running over her face. She averted her gaze once more. She knew what she looked like. She had seen herself in the window reflection upon entering the compartment. Her eyes had deep purple bags under them, her cheeks were red and blotchy and her eyes were bloodshot. Her hair was pulled up into a messy bun at the top of her head and her eyes no longer held the usual fire within them that she was known to possess.
Hermione Granger was utterly broken-hearted.
"I'm sorry to hear about what happened." Blaise said, earning himself no response from Hermione other than her sudden stiffness.
"I know what Draco did was-" he began, though was cut off as her head shot up to look at him.
"Don't…" she began, her voice croaky from it's lack of use since last night. "Don't say his name. Please." she said quietly.
He eyed her, a surprised expression on his face. "Right." he nodded his agreement. "Just so you know… I didn't know what the plan was either." he said reassuringly.
She frowned, confused by his statement. Draco hadn't told Blaise?
"I know you would think I'd have known but Dr-" he stopped himself. "But he was very private. All I knew was that something was happening on Monday night and I was to stay in the Slytherin common room all night." he clarified.
They sat in silence for a few minutes as Hermione digested this information. So he really hadn't told anyone what he had been planning all along. "Why are you telling me this?" she asked as she stared out the window.
"Because we're friends." he said simply, leaning forward with his elbow on his knees. "I am your friend, Hermione. I like you. You're smart, driven, passionate and kind and I-"
"I'm not." she cut him off again, though her voice held little emotion. "I'm not that person. Not anymore."
He frowned. "Don't be like that, Hermione. Don't let this turn you into somebody you're not." his voice held a hint of genuine concern and Hermione finally looked at him.
"What do you expect me to do, Blaise?" she asked softly as they stared at one another. "Move on like everything is normal? Because it's not. I can't… I won't ever forgive myself for what happened. He… he really hurt me and I…" she felt her throat constrict and her eyes water as she tried to speak.
She couldn't do this. She couldn't speak about him.
"You really had no idea, huh?" he asked, standing and moving to sit next to her. He raised an arm, wrapping it around her shoulders and pulling her into him.
She swallowed the lump in her throat and shut her eyes, fighting the urge to push Blaise away. This wasn't his fault…
He's not Draco. She told herself.
"Listen… I know it doesn't mean much right now but he's not as terrible as you think. He didn't want to do any of it. I know how much he cared about you. I've been his mate for years and I've never seen him take a girl seriously like he did you. It was real, despite what it seems like." he said and she shook her head slightly,
She didn't want to hear this. Not now. She was trying to make herself hate Draco Malfoy. She recalled the previous night when she had told him she hated him. That had been a lie, something she had said out of desperate anger. In all honesty, she still loved him. Despite his betrayal she still loved him and that was exactly why she had told him to run. She couldn't bear to see him taken to Azkaban or taken for interrogation by the Order.
"Please stop." she sat up slightly and Blaise's arm fell from her shoulders. "I just… I want to be alone. Please."
He didn't respond for a few seconds before he sighed and stood. "Alright. But if you need anything… reach out to me."
She nodded slightly, hoping he would leave. He stared at her for a minute longer before he turned and slipped out of the compartment. She sighed. She wished she still had her time turner from third year. She would have sent herself back a few months to ensure that when she had heard a stranger in the sixth floor boy's bathroom crying, she kept walking. She would ensure that her past self didn't stop and inquire about who it might be.
She felt a tear escape her eye as she settled back into her seat. She already felt like an entirely different person than she had just 24 hours ago. She felt more tense, more withdrawn and more cautious. She found herself doubting all of her friends and peers who she thought she was friendly with. She found herself second guessing even Blaise, who had never given her a reason to hate him.
How was she ever going to move on from this?
July passed on painfully slowly for Hermione. She had spent the entire month alone in her room aside from the occasional visits from her mother and father who had often come to check on her in concern. Usually on summer holidays she and her parents tried to make up for her lost time at school and travel or do activities together, however this year Hermione had turned down every suggestion her parents had made. She couldn't pretend everything was okay after what had happened. She needed time alone.
She spent her days researching horcruxes and the dark arts in preparation for the upcoming war and she spent her nights crying herself to sleep. The reports in the Daily Prophet were getting worse and worse for muggles and muggleborns and Hermione knew an upcoming war was inevitable. The fact that she had played a part in Dumbeldore's death and his death being the unspoken first attack in this war weighed heavily on her numb heart.
She hadn't heard from neither Ron nor Harry in the last month, nor had she reached out to them or anyone else. She didn't particularly want to talk to anyone, especially not anyone who knew how big of a fool she had been over the last few months. And they clearly did not want to talk to her either.
She was pulled from her thoughts when she heard the unmistakable sound of footsteps coming up the stairs. She frowned, glancing over at the clock in her room. It was 2:00 in the morning...
Swallowing hard, she rose, wand clutched tightly in her hand. Before she could make another move the door was pushed open and Hermione was greeted by Nymphadora Tonks and Alastor Moody. Her eyes widened in surprise and she furiously wiped at her cheeks, hoping she didn't look like she had been crying her eyes out.
"Hermione!" Tonks cried, stepping forward and enveloping the girl in a hug.
Hermione hugged her back, brows furrowed in confusions. "Tonks… Professor Moody. What's going on?" she asked.
"You haven't been writing. We need you, Granger. Potter's 17th birthday is coming up and we need to move him from the Dursley's. Tomorrow night." Moody said shortly, his magical eye swivelling around as he observed her bedroom.
She gasped. Of course Harry would have to be moved. The protection Privet Drive held would break as soon as he became of age. She swallowed hard, feeling anxiety rise within her. She would have to face her friends already…
"Right." she murmured, trying to make her voice sound normal. "O-okay. What do you need me to do?"
She had to admit, she felt a tiny spark of excitement rise within her at the fact that she was being included in upcoming Order plans. She had thought that after the Dumbledore's death she might be shunned by the Order of the Phoenix.
"Don't worry about that, Hermione. Not yet." said Tonks, rubbing Hermione's arm comfortingly. "We'll be back to get you tomorrow night. Be ready, we'll be heading into hiding right after. And..." she trailed off, glancing over at Moody.
Moody seemed to glare at Tonks for a few seconds before he scowled. "I'm sure you've seen the news reports, Granger. It isn't safe for muggles. Especially not the muggle parents of Potter's best mate." he said bluntly. She felt her stomach drop. "You'll need to… keep them safe. I'm not sure how you'll do it but you're a smart girl." he looked slightly uncomfortable as he stared at her.
What did that mean? What did she have to do? She frowned as she listened to him speak and the trio stood in silence for a minute after he finished. So she would have to find a way to keep them safe…
"Alright." she said softly, nodding slightly.
Tonks shot her a sad smile and Moody nodded slightly before he stood straight. "Let's go. We've spent too long here already."
Tonks pouted, hugging Hermione once more before she followed Moody back out.
"Be ready. Tomorrow." Tonks whispered before the two disappeared.
The following evening Hermione triple checked her beaded bag for anything she might have missed. Moody and Tonks would show up in less than an hour and she still had to deal with her parents.
She felt her eyes water as she thought of what she was going to do. She was going to Obliviate them and send them away to Australia, somewhere they would be safe. She was going to erase herself from their minds… they wouldn't even know they had a daughter out there fighting in a Wizarding War. It was unfair. That their fate laid in her hands, but it was the only option. It was too risky to send them away and just hope they wouldn't reach out to check on her. She had to do this. When all this was over she'd find them and bring them back.
She sighed before picking up her wand and staring at herself in her mirror.
"You can do this." she muttered to herself. "You have to do this."
She wiped her sweaty palms on her denim clad thighs before she headed downstairs with silent footsteps. She felt a tear escape her eye as she came upon her parents sitting with their backs to her, watching the TV. They had no idea what was going to happen…
How many more people are you going to lose? A small voice in her head spoke.
She raised a hand to press against her mouth, hoping they couldn't hear her uneven breathing. She squeezed her eyes shut, forcing her Gryffindor courage up before she raised her wand with a shaking hand.
"Obliviate." she murmured, shutting her eyes as the spell reached her parents.
She stood for a few seconds before she spun on her heel, tightening her grip on her beaded bag before she slipped out of the house. She didn't even get to say goodbye.
Hermione stood awkwardly in the Burrow, brows furrowed in concern as she watched her peers get healed. They had just successfully transported Harry from Privet Drive to the safehouse, however many of them had gotten injured.
Ron and Harry were alive, much to her relief, however Moody and Hedwig had not made it. Her heart twisted painfully. Two more innocent lives, gone.
"That should hold you over, dear." said Molly as she finished tending to Ron's wounds before patting her son's cheek.
The members slowly dispersed from the room until Harry, Ron and Hermione were left. She swallowed nervously, unsure of how they would feel about her presence.
"I'm glad you made it." said Harry, who's shoulders were slumped as he sat on the couch. "Both of you." he continued, looking up at Hermione.
She felt her eyes well up in tears as she observed her friend. She knew how he was feeling… he was taking the blame for the death of Moody and Hedwig. He looked so tired… so sad.
"Me too." she said softly.
The trio sat in silence for a few minutes as Hermione replayed that night's events over in her head. The war had officially begun. She was a part of it and she couldn't waste any time crying over Draco Malfoy. She would have to push aside her feelings and be strong… she had to make up for what she had done.
"I'm so sorry." she said, breaking the silence. "For… for everything. We lost Moody and Hedwig tonight, George lost his ear and the rest of us could have died or gotten seriously injured just as easily. What happened this year… the way I let you all down… it won't happen again." she said, fighting tears as she looked between her friends.
Harry stared at her, his gaze already softening, though Ron was stubbornly staring at his feet.
"I'm in this with you guys. I've been researching and preparing. I'll make it up to you, please just give me a chance." she begged, her voice cracking at the end of her sentence.
"You made a mistake." Harry said, sounding drained. "I… I won't say I understand, because I don't. But we need you, Hermione."
Hermione nodded. It was a better response than she had expected. "Ron?" she asked softly.
He looked up, staring at her with hard eyes. "Harry's right. We do need you." he said shortly, and she felt her stomach drop at his tone.
They spent the rest of the evening with Harry filling her in on everything she had missed. She listened carefully before telling them about all she had researched that last month. She was all in now. She had to shut off her feelings and prepare for what was to come. If she somehow ended up crossing Draco on the battlefield, she would have to take him down. It was time for war.
A/N: I know Draco isn't in this chapter, but this chapter is very much a filler and a chapter to lead the story into the war. Please read and review!
