Chapter 2: Lovers quarrel

The warm afternoon sun fell through the half-closed curtains of the small bedroom and brought with it an air of peace and quiet. The appartement was L-shaped, and the bedroom in question found itself at the end of the L. The most silent part of the modest housing.

Two teenaged boys were lying sideways on the bed, facing each other with a soft smile. One of them was the Shinigami Substitute, Kurosaki Ichigo. The other one was a Quincy, Ishida Uryu.

A year ago, Uryu would never have believed the Shinigami Substitute would lay on his bed like this, holding him close, running his fingers through his hair. He'd dreamed about it, sure, as the person in front of him had been the object of his affection for quite some time now. But Uryu had thought these dreams would always remain just that. Dreams.

The fact Ichigo was here like this with him now made him so happy. It almost made all the horrors he lived through not so long ago worth it. Almost…

Uryu couldn't hold back a content sigh, while he ran one of his hands through the other's orange spikes and made Ichigo chuckle.

After that decisive day they'd managed to escape the clutches of the 8th Espada and came back to their own world, they'd shared a few secret moments like this. Away from all prying eyes and judgement. The bond they'd formed in that prison had made both boys long for the other, and they needed moments like these to heal and forget.

The damage that had been done to either Ichigo or Uryu could never be erased, but they wanted to try and pick up their old lives as best as they could. They both needed time and rest to deal with the horrible aftermath of what had happened.

Uryu wasn't the calm and collected boy he once was anymore, as his trials in Szayelaporro's prison had left him broken. And he knew for certain Ichigo had been forever changed as well. For his part, Uryu had been plagued by nightmares of his ordeals. Not only that, but he suffered from panic attacks, mostly triggered by certain physical contact. All of it had been a real blow for his self-esteem and confidence. Ichigo had promised to help him through this, and he was slowly making progress due to the one he loved. As he lived all by himself, it had been very weird and a bit frightening to get used to being alone again, but the Substitute had assured him he was as paranoid as Uryu was right now, jumping at unknow sounds and the likes, and it wasn't anything to be ashamed about after that hell they'd escaped from.

Ichigo cared for him, and that was all that mattered to Uryu right now.

He cupped the Substitute's face gently and drew him in for a soft kiss, while Ichigo chuckled again before answering the kiss. They both loved this modest form of intimacy, as they felt really connected when they shared a moment like this. It was also the farthest either of them dared to go right now. There was no sexual tension between them, no pressure. They'd both been hurt too profoundly for that. However, that was one of the things the Quincy hoped to see restored in the future. He was not going to press the matter, as he was long from ready for something like that. And he knew neither was Ichigo. He only hoped when given enough time, they could someday have an active relationship as a normal couple.

Only the both of them could fully understand what they had been through. Sometimes they talked about what happened in that awful place, sharing their grief, as it would take a lot of time to leave that behind them. Sometimes they only said a few words and they just felt the need to be close. Wrapped into each others arms, they just slept or rested for long hours, feeling safe.

Ichigo had encouraged the Quincy to talk to him whenever he needed, to be able to leave some of his horror behind, but… unfortunately, Ichigo wasn't as inclined to return the favor. Uryu had told him he should get certain things off his chest as well, as he knew how the Substitute had suffered after finding out what he'd done to him after changing into a Vasto Lorde, but... Every time Uryu carefully brought up the subject, Ichigo just froze and played deaf-mute. It pained the archer, as he wanted to help the other teen as well. He'd forgiven him, but it seemed Ichigo had a lot more difficulties to forgive himself.

The Quincy was grateful the Substitute didn't know about the other atrocities Szayelaporro had made Ichigo put him through, while using the Substitute as his puppet. If he had already taken the reveal of what he'd done to him as a Vasto Lorde that bad, who knew how the poor Substitute would feel when he knew about those other assaults as well…

Ichigo had told his friends no more than what they strictly needed to know after their rescue and Uryu wasn't one to talk about what happened either. He couldn't, even if he wanted to. What would their friends think of Ichigo? What would they think of him? He'd rather it stayed that way, afraid if they'd found out someday it could change everything.

Uryu sighed again as Ichigo draped his arms around his lithe frame. Still facing each other on the bed, they just gazed at each other for a while and found comfort sharing warmth, just like they had done in their cell. Ichigo placed his palm over Uryu's heart and sighed happily when he found a steady rhythm under his fingers, while Uryu softly murmured that it was alright. It wasn't the first time the Substitute had done this. This time, Ichigo could smile while doing so, but the first few times, he'd been afraid, afraid he wouldn't find a heartbeat, even though Uryu spoke soft encouragements to him while doing so. The Quincy was aware Ichigo's spirit had taken a major blow after he'd almost died on him.

Uryu looked down for a moment. It had been weeks since they'd been rescued and he decided this was a good moment to tell Ichigo about his feelings for him. When they were in Urahara's bathroom, he hadn't had the courage to confess to him, but Ichigo had taken him completely by surprise by telling him he already knew. Uryu didn't remember all that much after his assault by the Vasto Lorde, but while he lay there dying, he must have said something to Ichigo then. It was the only explanation he could think off.

Feeling emboldened by the secret moments they'd shared ever since, as well as their numerous kisses and cuddles, he decided this was the right time and he wanted to say it properly. Even if Ichigo already knew.

Uryu broke their leisurely hug and mustered his courage. Gently, and blushing furiously, he pushed Ichigo down on his bed before straddling him, eliciting a startled gasp from the other boy. The Quincy gave him a meaningful look, while his fringe framed the sides of his face beautifully as he looked down to the person he cherished most. Ichigo stared up at him with wide, wondering brown eyes and just waited.

Uryu caressed the other's face before slowly dipping down with a warm smile and whispering: "I love you, Ichigo."

It had been the Quincy's intention to seal that confession with another soft kiss as he leaned forward, but Ichigo's reaction wasn't exactly what he'd been expecting.

Ichigo blinked a few times, his smile slowly fading from his face, before he averted his gaze in shame.

Uryu immediately knew something was wrong and froze, looking at the other teen intently. Had it been a bad idea to confess to the Substitute after all? Had he been too direct?

Ichigo didn't say a word, but pushed Uryu off of him, before pushing himself into a sitting position. Then, he flung his legs over the side of the bed while his shoulders slouched forward with a long, plaintive sigh.

"Ichigo? What's wrong?" Uryu asked startled and sat up on his knees next to him, readjusting his glasses. "Talk to me, please."

Ichigo was still looking away and it was clear he was mulling things over in his mind. He sighed again and let his face lower into one of his hands and just sat there for a long moment. Uryu stared at him with an uneasy feeling that was growing in his gut, while anxiety was slowly spreading from his chest.

When the silence grew very uncomfortable and Uryu wanted to ask what was bothering him so much, the Substitute said:

"Uryu… I'm sorry to say this, but I don't know what to feel anymore. Our imprisonment, your sentiments, my guilt… everything. It was so much to cope with. I just don't know anymore…" Ichigo looked up again, but still averted the Quincy's eyes. "What if it's not love you feel for me, but only a forced feeling of closeness due to the ordeal we've been through together?"

Uryu didn't know what he was hearing. "H-how can you say that? You know I've longed for you for a long time. I… I've told you so."

"I just need a break, Uryu. From all of this. From us. To get my thoughts together, you know." Sighing, the Substitute ran a hand through his short, orange spikes. "It's too much right now. I don't know if I can do this any longer."

"But…" Uryu's heartbeat picked up as the anxiety inside him spread faster and faster. He'd been so happy mere minutes ago, and now… What was going on? "I'm here for you, Ichigo. You can always talk to me. Won't you try?" He'd wanted to sound convincing, but he didn't knew if he'd pulled it off.

"Yes, but that's just the thing… All of this is so confusing for me, you know. You're not a girl and I… I… don't know what I want."

That remark stung. Surely the Substitute had been aware about him being a boy for a long time? Afraid as to where this was going, Uryu pushed those feelings down, as to not upset Ichigo any further. He placed a supportive hand on the other boy's shoulder and tried: "I know it can be confusing, Ichigo. I've been through the same, you know. You were the first person I told about me liking boys, remember?"

That made Ichigo look up and glare at him. "Hey! I'm not gay! Remember? Don't try to put a label on me!"

"C-calm down." Uryu stammered. "I don't want to force you into anything. I just don't want you to feel so upset."

The Substitute sighed again. "Uryu… I don't think I can do this anymore. Meeting you like this. Keeping it a secret from everyone. Hell, I don't even know what it is we're doing… It feels like having an affair, even though we're not…"

"But…" Uryu felt his heart sink. "I thought you… wanted to be with me…" He closed his eyes and took a wavering breath, while Ichigo didn't even answer that and left him hanging. The Substitute was just staring at the floor, with both his hands on top of his head.

Ichigo wanted to take a break from their 'agreement', as it seemed the Substitute never even thought of them as being together… That hurt. He'd assumed Ichigo just wasn't comfortable yet with his friends finding out about them. He could relate to that, as he had never told anyone else than Ichigo either. None of that mattered to him as long as they could spend time together. He didn't want to make the other boy feel trapped or restricted, but he couldn't just give up on him either. Not now that they'd shared so many happy moments after all those nightmares.

Nervous, the Quincy pushed his glasses back up and started to ramble. "I-I'm sorry for dropping the L-word… I didn't want to put you under pressure with that. I just… I'll take a step back s-so you can have more time to yourself a-and…"

"Uryu…" Ichigo locked eyes with him. "Don't. Please."

Just like that, the archer's anxiety got the better of him and he couldn't hide the desperation in his voice as he ranted: "Ichigo, please, don't do this. I understand that you need some time alone to think, as I know how hard everything has been on you. Like I said, you can see me less often, but… don't push me away completely." Ichigo sighed again and averted his eyes. Uryu swallowed. The tension he was feeling was making him talk even faster: "You're the only one I can turn to. We both need a lot more time to heal. You're all I got… and I'm… afraid to face this on my own." Feeling like a wimp at that admittance, he bit his lip and lowered his eyes.

Unfortunately, it was the truth. He'd always led a lonesome life. Under normal circumstances he could cope with that, but the events he'd lived through were far from normal…

The Substitute huffed a sarcastic laugh at that and removed the hands from his head, looking up. "Come on, don't be so melodramatic. You still have other friends to talk to."

"To talk to about something like this? Yeah, I've got plenty!" Uryu's anxiety was winning a battle he had been doomed to loose from the start. His composure was crumbling and there was nothing he could do to stop it. The way Ichigo was acting was frightening him. The thought he had to go through this all by himself was just… too much. "You can talk to Abarai and Sado-kun, or maybe Kuchiki-san. Or perhaps even your dad, but I…"

"You can try talking to your dad!" Ichigo interrupted him. "He's a weird character, I'll give you that, but I told you he came to rescue you in that dump, didn't I. Maybe he'll listen to you.""

Talking about his father made Uryu agitated most of the time as it triggered his defensive side. So he couldn't help but blurt out: "Oh yeah, that'll work out. 'Hey Ryuuken, I've been fucked by that Shinigami Substitute you hate and now I can't cope. Oh, and by the way, I'm gay.'

Ichigo growled at that and gave him an angry glare. "It sounds so nice if you put it like that."

"I-I'm sorry." Uryu apologized and placed a hand on Ichigo's shoulder again. "But it's just… my father-"

"Uryu…" The Substitute intervened. "Please, stop. You're only making this harder on yourself." Ichigo brushed his hand off of his shoulder and pushed himself upright. "I just need a break. It's not the end of the world. I won't tell the others about our time together."

"I don't care what the others would think of us!" Uryu countered. "It's you who's afraid of that. I just don't want them to know what happened in Szayelaporro's lab. For both of our sakes."

Ichigo sighed, uninterestedly. "Anyway, we'll see each other at school. It's not like we won't see each other again."

"Summer break has 3 weeks left! Who am I supposed to talk to during that time? I'd just started making a little progress and-"

"Just talk to somebody you trust, dammit! It doesn't have to be your father. You can just go to a shrink or something."

"I don't have money for something like that!" Uryu countered, agitated and nervous. "And this whole mess is so complicated, what am I supposed to say?"

"As I said, don't be such a drama queen, goddammit. Some time apart will give us both the opportunity to think all of this over and see where we stand. I'll try to find a listening ear, and so should you." Ichigo took a few steps forward before the Quincy, who hadn't missed the resolution in his voice, sucked in a sharp breath.

"Ichigo, don't walk away from this. From us."

The Substitute didn't turn around, but coldly answered: "I'm sorry, Uryu… for giving you false expectations."

Uryu felt a surge of anger shoot through him. "You call kissing me breathless, holding me for hours, false expectations!" Then his voice broke, and he sounded desperate when he added: "There's just got to be more to that. You're just having a bad day right now. If you need time, I'll give you time, but please don't-"

"That's enough, Uryu." He took a few steps forward again.

The Quincy jolted upright, dashed towards Ichigo and grabbed him by the shoulders. Forcing him to look at him. "But we have feelings for each other!"

The way Ichigo looked at him at that precise moment said it all. The Substitute's gaze held guilt and shame and confusion. Uryu sucked in a wavering breath.

Ichigo did not love him.

Stunned silent, the Quincy just stood there gaping. Not knowing what to do or how to react. Feeling his blood run hot and cold at the same time.

"Look Uryu, " Ichigo said after a loaded moment of painful muteness, "we bonded because of what we've been through together, that's a fact. But the truth is that if I had been locked up with Renji, or someone else, I would've done the same thing. Don't you understand?"

Uryu took that answer like a blow. His fragile self-esteem started to crumble and he couldn't mask the hurt on his face. Cupping Ichigo's face and looking at him with pleading, blue eyes, he tried: "But… but you kissed me… That must've meant something to you…"

Ichigo sighed and his face transitioned into guilt. He took Uryu's hands from his face and clasped them. "I… I took pity on you… Uryu. You were so lost after what I did to you and… I wanted to help you heal. I felt so guilty for hurting you."

Uryu took another blow, but didn't let up and stammered: "You told me you n-needed me…" With trembling hands he entwined their fingers. A gesture that had become soothing and encouraging to the both of them.

"I'm sorry…" Ichigo whispered. "I really did need you after everything that happened to us. I wanted to make you smile again. That was real, Uryu." He stopped to suck in a long, quivering breath. "But… I-I'm not ready to have a relationship like this. And neither are you." Locking eyes with the Quincy, he said: "I just… took responsibility for hurting you. It was my obligation."

Uryu felt his heart break and stared at him with a look of utter shock.

Ichigo pulled his hands back, punctuating again that he no longer wanted to be this close to him. After an agonizing moment of silence, Uryu's shoulders slouched in defeat and his gaze fell on his clutched fists. "O-obligation… Is that what this was to you? These last few weeks meant nothing to you?"

This was cruel. So cruel. How could Ichigo do this to him? Uryu tried to keep himself together, but felt his blood pressure go down as emotions were battling inside of him. Looking downwards, he took a wavering breath and let his face sink into his palms.

The only reason why he'd gotten through all those hardships with his sanity still intact, was because Ichigo had been with him. Protecting him had been the number one task on his to-do list in that vile place. Even if he hadn't been able to do all that much and the Substitute had been defending him most of the time. Even if the other boy knew nothing of the sad part he'd played in his favor. Even as Ichigo had violently turned on him and put his love to the test, he had persevered. He'd managed to get this far because of the person he loved. And now… that person wanted to throw in the towel and abandon him to a fate of nightmares and trauma all by himself.

Ichigo'd made him believe they could have a relationship, before brutally crushing that dream again. He'd just been played. How could he have been so stupid to believe the Substitute had actually felt something for him…

But… Ichigo didn't even know the lengths he'd gone through to shield him from that horrendous Espada… How could he ask for his support if he didn't even know? The Quincy was protecting him still...

Uryu felt like dying right now.

Maybe Ichigo hadn't realized how fractured he really was…

Brokenhearted, he felt tears sting the back of his eyes, but bravely swallowed them down. Ichigo was already distressed. Falling apart in front of him would only make matters worse…

"I'm sorry, Uryu… It was probably a stupid thing to do. I don't know what to think anymore. Everything that happened there, everything I did… It's giving me these horrible nightmares a-and…"

Uryu took a wavering breath, still resting his face in his hands, while managing to keep his tears at bay. He tried to sound calm as he answered: "I told you we needed to talk about those, Ichigo. I want to help you, but you won't let me."

"No, don't you see. You can't help me with that, Uryu. I've already hurt you so much, and…" Ichigo's voice broke. "I'm… I'm terrified of doing it again…"

Uryu got another blow, hearing Ichigo's voice break like that. The Substitute was still afraid to hurt him. Was that what this was about?

The Quincy tried to keep his emotions reigned in, but couldn't help at feeling a tad exasperated at that. "Ichigo, listen to me. It won't happen again. We're free from that Espada. You won't hurt me. And besides, I can take care of myself. The situation is completely different right now."

"No, Uryu." Ichigo grabbed his shoulders hard and made him look up at him, his eyes full of conflict. "That's easy for you to say, but it's not your mind that was taken over! Don't you understand how hard this has been on me? I have so many nightmares of pushing you down! Of hearing you scream! Do you have any idea how that's like!"

Uryu gasped at that outburst, before he lowered his eyes and swallowed hard. No, he didn't know how Ichigo's nightmares were different from his own, but he could relate to the agony and helplessness the other boy must be feeling. Something he did understand was that they were both in need of much more healing.

"Ichigo, please… I have forgiven you. Why can't you forgive yourself?"

"Shut up!" The Substitute snarled. Uryu had obviously hit him where it hurt, though unintentionally. Ichigo's eyes were ablaze. "It's not that easy! It's not just those nightmares, alright. How can I know for sure it aren't flashes of what actually happened? Of the memories I don't have!"

Uryu sighed and placed his hands on the other boy's shoulders, squeezing them, showing his support. This was the first time Ichigo gave him any kind of insight in the pain he was feeling. "Please, let me help you. We can work this out together. I know we can, Ichigo."

"No, we can't!" Ichigo yelled at him. "You can barely keep yourself together in front of me! You think I don't know!" He grabbed Uryu's wrists hard. "I'll show you, so you can stop pretending!"

Uryu made a startled shout as Ichigo suddenly dragged him backwards and flung him onto the bed. The Substitute quickly pinned his hands above his head with one of his own, before throwing his body weight into the equation and straddled him.

Panic started spreading from the Quincy's chest at a rapid pace. "D-don't…" He stammered, but Ichigo firmly held him down.

"Open your legs." Ichigo ordered with a low voice. He shifted his weight and was now pinning him down with both his hands.

Uryu's heart started pounding in his chest at that demand, making his panic-infused blood pump like a roller-coaster through his veins. It didn't take long before he started trembling while his head fell to the side. Terror was apparent on his face.
"N-no…"

"Open your legs!" The Substitute shouted in a low voice, impersonating his Hollow form.

Uryu went completely rigid and started making feral sounds. He could barely produce a whispered: "N-no…" His vision turned blurry, and the shivers running down his spine became more violent. Suddenly he felt a knee being nudged between his thighs and prying them apart. Panic shot through his entire body and he screamed!

"Mate! You whore!" The Vasto Lorde roared inside his head and he screamed again.

Uryu was back in that dark cell, reliving that nightmare again! Freaking out as he was being chased by that foul creature without wearing his glasses! Yelling as it made bloody gashes across his back! Choking as it punctured his lung! Screaming as he felt it inside of him!

"Fuck hard! Whore!" The monster yelled inside his mind.

The Quincy's breathing became erratic and he tried desperately to break free. Completely overtaken by dread, his body was heavy and unresponsive. Helpless and paralyzed, he cried out.

Suddenly, Uryu felt 2 warm arms wrapping around him. "I'm sorry… " He heard Ichigo say. "It's okay. You are safe now." The Vasto Lorde disappeared and he could inhale Ichigo's scent. A tear fell down either of his blue eyes as he realized he wasn't in any danger. This was Ichigo, the boy he loved, not that monster that assaulted him. Breathing hard, he tried to stifle a sob, but was unsuccessful. Uryu grabbed the Substitute with all his might and buried his face in the crook of his shoulder, welcoming his soothing warmth, as he failed to hold back his tears.

"I'm sorry for putting you through that again, " the other teen whispered as Uryu clung to him, sobbing, "but I had to prove a point, Uryu. You see what I can do to you? I warned you…"

Panting, and with a racing heart, the Quincy stuttered: "That was… p-playing dirty… Ichigo. You know I… I can't c-control it. I n-need… more time."

The Substitute sighed and brushed his tears away with his thumbs. Then he gave Uryu a meaningful look for a long, quiet moment, before finally admitting: "Do you know how much it hurts me to see you fall apart like that? Knowing that it's all because of me?"

Uryu gasped at that revelation but could not deny the misery on the other boy's face. His eyes sought Ichigo's, and with a trembling lower lip he tried to form an answer, but his senses were still fighting off the panic and the vile memories, so he just managed to stammer :"I'm… s-sorry…"

He did not want Ichigo to feel this way, but he couldn't help it.

Ichigo let go of him and abruptly sat back up on the side of the bed, taking another long sigh. Inwardly, the Quincy cursed and immediately tried to pull himself together, but that was easier said than done. He'd had a few panic attacks like this one before after their rescue, but all of those times, Ichigo had tried to help him for as long as it took. As opposed to those occurrences, this time felt like administering basic first-aid.

Uryu tried to regulate his breathing to calm down and was glad he'd at least managed to stop sobbing after Ichigo's admittance. Not only had Ichigo voluntary induced this attack, he'd also made it worse with the orders he'd yelled at him. That was something he hadn't done before and it left the Quincy shaken.

All of a sudden, the Substitute stood up and took a few steps towards the door again. "Do you understand now, Uryu? I am bad for you. You won't be able to heal with me around."

"Ichigo…" He managed to push himself off the matrass, but his body was still refusing to cooperate properly.

"I'm sorry, Uryu. I just wanted to see you happy again, but it seems I can only do more damage and vice versa. I can't do this anymore. I don't know if it's you I'm lying to, or myself."

With that the Substitute started walking away from him.

Uryu didn't want him to walk away like this. He'd tried so hard to get back on his feet after their rescue, while he had felt like a wreck, and it was because of Ichigo. Not only because he wanted to stop making the other boy feel guilty over what had happened, but also because Ichigo had been there with him, encouraging his healing process.

Feeling vulnerable right now, Uryu used the only leverage he had left. "Y-you promised…" Ichigo stopped in the doorframe. "You promised to help me through this. Please… I can't do this all by myself."

A year ago, he would have scoffed if Ichigo told him he would beg him for something, for anything. Not mockingly, but genuinely beg him. He would've snarked. But now… his broken heart was yearning so much for the other boy that he didn't care. His fragile self-esteem got another crack. The ordeal had taken a great deal from him, mentally and physically. More than he knew, probably. He was no longer the proud Quincy he'd once been…

Ichigo's shoulders slouched and he clutched his fists, trembling and visibly upset. His voice broke as he told the Quincy: "Two broken souls can't make each other whole again, Uryu."

With that, he marched out of Uryu's bedroom and into his small apartment without saying another word.

Leaving a shocked Quincy behind.

Uryu wanted to go after him and try to convince him to reconsider, but he knew it was futile. He was desperate enough for it… but he also knew Ichigo wasn't going to listen. Besides that, his legs were still wobbly and he'd probably crash to the floor on his semi-numb feet.

He heard the front door of his modest housing closing and with it his pseudo-boyfriend walked away.

Feeling exhausted both in mind and spirit, he curled up on his bed again. Draping an arm over his eyes, he tried to shut out the awful memories that invaded his brain, while he gave his body some much needed rest. His face reflected the misery he felt in his heart.

Ichigo needed time and space to think, he understood that, but he didn't have to shut him out completely. Uryu had probably come across as too clingy or too desperate, but he couldn't help it.

The new semester was still 3 weeks away… He was going to manage that, as he didn't even have a choice anyway. He only hoped that when they saw each other again after the break, Ichigo would feel better and… give him another chance, maybe.

But why did the other boy said those words with such finality that it'd made his heart ache so much? He had to cling to the hope that Ichigo would change his mind even if he'd just hurt him like hell…

Tomorrow, he'd try to put everything into perspective, but for now, he'd just rest.