The Mayhem Critic

Aloha, my fellow readers. It is I, the great James Stryker and welcome back to another hilarious chapter of The Mayhem Critic. Well, it's the last day of Halloween Havoc VI and Sean has found the perfect movie to end it on. And that movie is the horror anthology film Tales From the Hood, a film that deals with serious topics, but with a supernatural twist to it. Is it one of the best anthology movies of all time or is it just a silly idea? Well, let's chill or be chilled. Here's the new chapter of The Mayhem Critic. Enjoy.

P.S.: I do not own anything involved in this story. All rights and references belong to their respective sources. Tales From the Hood is owned by Savoy Entertainment.

Halloween Havoc VI Part 6: Tales From the Hood

(The 2023 Halloween Havoc intro is shown, followed by footage of Tales From the Hood)

Sean Stack: (V/O) 1995: Savoy Entertainment releases a new movie produced by Spike Lee called Tales From the Hood, a film with an African American focus on four short stories. It's the black version of Tales From the Crypt, with no boobs, but with a lot of gore. And we loved every minute of it. The film received mixed reviews, but there are some fans that loved the movie and it gained a cult following. Does it still hold up very well? Will it suck like it's Direct-to-DVD sequels? (Posters for Tales From the Hood 2 and Tales From the Hood 3 are shown). How come I keep seeing this guy in every hood movie? (A picture of Samuel Monroe Jr. is shown)

(Cut to Sean Stack standing in the middle of Sawyer Point)

"Yeah, I recognize him in Don't Be a Menace. He's a familiar face. I'm Sean Stack, and welcome to Halloween Havoc." Sean said as he nods his head.

(The words that slide down the purple bars are follows: "Mayhem Critic," "Drug Dealers", "The Shit", "Killer Doll", "Zombie Politician", "Evil David Alan Grier", "Black on Black Crimes", "Racist Cops", "R.I.P. Hakeem Campbell", "Halloween Havoc". The "reviewed" clips include those from the intros to Halloween Havoc IV. After the intro ends, we open with our favorite residential movie critic Sean J. Archer, a.k.a. the Mayhem Critic, as he sits on his favorite couch in his living room while he prepares to introduce himself)

"Good evening, ladies and gentlemen. I'm Sean the Mayhem Critic, the critic that rips movies a new one." Sean said before he talks about today's topic. "I love horror anthologies."

(A montage of different horror anthology films are shown)

Sean: (Narrating) What is it about horror anthology stories that makes me love 'em so much? I love the fact that it tells a different story from different storytellers. It can be told in a creepy mansion or around a campfire or in a cabin. You have some that can scare your pants off or it can be funny at times. Over the years, you get a movie that's a horror anthology movie that can be good at time or ridiculous at times. (Posters for The House That Dripped Blood, Trilogy of Terror, Tales from the Crypt (1972), Dr. Terror's House of Horrors and Black Sabbath are shown) You have some pretty decent good ones out there like Trilogy of Terror, The House That Dripped Blood, Black Sabbath, and Tales From the Crypt... not the TV show, the movie. (A poster for the 1989 TV show is shown) And of course, you have people like Stephen King and John Carpenter taking a crack at it with films like Creepshow, Cat's Eye and even Body Bags (Posters for those three movies are shown) and they're pretty good as well, with it's mix of horror and comedy. And it even works in television as well with stuff for adults, most notably Tales From the Crypt and American Horror Story, and of course for children as well with shows like Goosebumps, Are You Afraid of the Dark?, The Haunting Hour and The Nightmare Room, except no kids are harmed. But you can only kill children in movies.

(A clip from John Carpenter's Assault on Precinct 13 is shown)

Kathy Lawson (Played by Kim Richards): I wanted Vanilla Twist.

(White Warlord shoots Kathy, killing her)

Sean: (V/O as White Warlord) Well, you're getting strawberry. How's that for a twist?

"And then you have this one horror anthology movie that's really good after you saw it for the first time. Tales From the Hood." Sean said.

(The title screen for "Tales From the Hood" is shown, followed by clips from the movie while the song "Tales From the Hood" by Domino featuring Chill plays in the background)

Sean: (Narrating) Tales From the Hood, a play on the title Tales From the Crypt is a 1995 horror anthology film that's pretty unique and interesting. You have it take place in the African-American community. With Spike Lee serving as executive producer of the movie, the film was written by Darin Scott who also wrote the horror anthology film From a Whisper to a Scream starring Vincent Price as well as producing the films Stepfather II, To Sleep with Anger and the hood drama Menace II Society. (Posters for the films From a Whisper to a Scream, Stepfather II, To Sleep with Anger and Menace II Society are shown) The idea for the movie came from writer/director Rusty Cundieff, who performed in a little one-act play called "The Black Horror Show: Blackanthropy". After the play was finished, Cundieff said that Darin Scott suggested that they collaborate on a horror movie. The idea of different stories taking place in the African-American community is a pretty good idea and probably the first and you have different stories of racism, child abuse, police brutality and gang violence, but you give them a supernatural twist to it. Sounds like a great idea. Cundieff would go on to direct episodes of Chappelle's Show, The Wanda Sykes Show, Movie 43 and Tales From the Hood 2 and Tales From the Hood 3. Let's not forget that he's the same guy that did the movie Fear of a Black Hat back in 1993. After the movie was released in theaters, it got mixed reviews from critics, but years later it gained a cult following and this is one of my favorite horror anthologies of all time. It's visuals, ideas and atmosphere makes this film more interesting. I remember watching that when I was young and I remember seeing drug dealers, a killer doll, a crazy mortician and I remember how some of the stories end. Some can be scary while some can be ridiculously funny. We're gonna dive right in and find out.

"Well it's time to chill or be chilled. This is Tales From the Hood." Sean said.

(The movie opens with the Savoy Pictures logo)

"Yeah. Does anybody remember this studio? What other films did Savoy Pictures produce?" Sean asked.

(Posters for the films A Bronx Tale, Last of the Dogmen, Serial Mom, Dr. Jekyll and Ms. Hyde,No Escape and Exit to Eden are shown)

"Oh, yeah. I forgot. I love A Bronx Tale and Serial Mom. Let's not forget No Escape. That one was pretty good. And Last of the Dogmen too. The other two are pure horseshit." Sean said, referring to Dr. Jekyll and Ms. Hyde and Exit to Eden.

(The movie opens with a skeleton hold a gun and wearing sunglasses. The skeleton has a joint in it's mouth and it has a gold tooth and a bandana around it's head)

Sean: (Narrating) After seeing the ghetto version of Skeletor, we open with three drug dealers: Stack played by Joe Torry, Bulldog played by Samuel Monroe Jr. and Ball played by De'Aundre Bonds, as they arrive at Simms' Funeral Home to purchase drugs. And since they're three young black men in a movie, they're afraid to enter a creepy-ass mortuary.

Stack (Played by Joe Torry): Hey, man, fuck this, man. I ain't with this shit. Y'all can have this.

Bulldog (Played by Samuel Monroe Jr.): What?

Stack: I just ain't into this dead people shit, all right?

Ball (Played by De'Aundre Bonds): Shit, man. That place does look evil as hell.

Bulldog: Look, man, both of y'all need to shut the fuck up, all right? We doin' this shit 'cause this here's business, man. Besides, dead people ain't who you all need to be worried about anyway. Li'l Moe who the fuck y'all need to be worried about.

"Come on, who wants to purchase drugs from a funeral home and from a guy named Li'l Moe? There's something sketchy as hell about this." Sean said.

(Bulldog snatches the joint out of Ball's hand)

Bulldog: Pass the bud, you little bitch. (Smokes the joint)

"Okay, to the white people who don't get black slang, let me educate you since I'm black so you can understand. What Bulldog is smoking is marijuana, also known as bud and joint and weed. Thought you all might like to know." Sean said.

Sean: (Narrating) The trio walk up to the funeral home armed and ready and we get some laughable dialogue in which these guys act like the ghetto version of the Three Stooges.

Stack: Hey, man, uh, maybe I need- I need to stay out here, all right? Watch y'all back and shit, in case somethin' funny go down.

Bulldog: Wait a minute, man. You got your gat, man?

Stack: Yeah, I got my shit.

Bulldog: Well, if a dead motherfucker come fuckin' with you, you kill his ass, you understand me?

Stack: How am I supposed to kill somethin' that's already dead, man?

Bulldog: What?

Stack: Yeah. How am I supposed to kill something that's already dead? That's like killin' some shit twice, man.

Ball: (Chuckles) Yeah, like some refried beans and some shit. Man, I never understood that, man. Why the fuck you gonna refry some beans, man? Why not just fry that shit right the first time and get out?

"Yo man. What I don't get is, why is soup considered a meal? I thought that shit was not a meal. My homie Seinfeld brought that up." Sean said, imitating Ball.

Bulldog: There ain't shit up in here to be scared of. You understand me?

(Bulldog rings the doorbell. The owner of the funeral home, pulls the curtain up with a creepy smile on his face, which scares the three drug dealers)

Stack: Oh, damn!

Ball: What the fuck is goin'...?

(The trio get startled by Mr. Simms. Stack makes a run for it, but knocks himself out after bumping into the sign hook while Bulldog gets into a fighting stance)

"Yeah, so much for not being afraid of anything. You know, for being the most feared drug dealers in the hood, you sure act like a couple of scared little bitches." Sean said.

Sean: (Narrating) The owner of the funeral home Mr. Simms, played by Clarence Williams III, invites them inside so they can conduct some business involving some drugs that he's found.

Bulldog: Now where's the shit?

Mr. Simms (Played by Clarence Williams III): The shit?

Bulldog: The shit. The shit that you found.

Mr. Simms: Oh. The drugs. I found a whole stack of them in the alley.

Bulldog: So where they at?

(Mr. Simms smokes his cigar)

Mr. Simms: You got the money?

Stack: Yeah, we got the money, old man.

Bulldog: Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. You get it when we get the shit.

"Oh, for God's sake. Is there any way to put an end to this nuisance? HE'S WEARING A WIRE!" Sean yelled out.

Sean: (Narrating) Also, don't you just love how they call the drugs "the shit"? They just keep calling it "the shit" throughout the whole movie.

(A montage of the characters referring to the drugs as "the shit" is shown in a montage)

Bulldog: Now where's the shit?

Mr. Simms The shit?

Bulldog: You get it when we get the shit.

Mr. Sims: The shit. (Chuckles)/You'll get the shit. You'll be knee-deep in the shit./The shit.

Bulldog: Let's just get the shit.

"Just keep track on how many times they say "the shit". It'll be pretty fun, trust me." Sean said.

Sean: (Narrating) Mr. Simms shows them a body in a coffin of a man named Clarence, who was rumored to have heard voices of the dead calling him and we come to our first tale called "Rogue Cop Revelation", where we are introduced to a young black police officer named Clarence Smith, played by Anthony Griffith, who's having his first night on the job with his new white partner Newton Hauser, played by the late Michael Massee.

Officer Newton Hauser (Played by Michael Massee): Now, Clarence, now, this here is a real quiet neighborhood. But that doesn't mean that you can take a break. 'Cause the second you slack off- Boom! That's just when the shit hits the fan.

Officer Clarence Smith (Played by Anthony Griffith): Got it. Stay alert at all times.

"And let's not forget, Clarence, that we run into some of the world's dumbest criminals. One time, I tazed a naked guy who was high on PCP and he was saying the words "I love it! I love it! I love it!". Some strange shit that goes down with these people." Sean said, imitating Newton.

Sean: (Narrating) They come across two other officers on the scene, Officer Strom Richmond played by Wings Hauser and Officer Billy Crumfield played by Duane Whitaker, as they pull over a well-dressed black man named Martin Moorehouse, played by Tom Wright.

Martin Moorehouse (Played by Tom Wright): You're gonna lose your badges over this. You had no reason to pull me over.

(Officer Crumfield moves to the back of Moorehouse's car and breaks one of the taillights)

Officer Billy Crumfield (Played by Duane Whitaker): You had a fuckin' taillight out.

(Officer Richmond chuckles)

"And it has to be the one guy who gets pulled over by some dirty cops." Sean said.

Sean: (Narrating) Clarence tries to intervene, but Officer Richmond tells him that everything is alright and to run a check on his license. And when he does this, he learns that Moorehouse is a city councilman and a black rights activist. Also, Moorehouse has been going on a crusade to eliminate police corruption, which Officer Richmond and Officer Crumfield aren't too happy about. We get the most brutal scene in a movie depicting police brutality as Crumfield and Richmond beat Moorehouse with their nightsticks while Billie Holiday's Strange Fruit plays during the scene.

Officer Clarence Smith: Hey! Hey! What the hell are you guys doing?

Officer Newton Hauser: (Stops Strom from choking Moorhouse) Strom. That's enough, Strom! Strom, not in front of the rookie!

Officer Clarence Smith: This man is Martin Moorehouse! I can't believe I didn't recognize him. Fuck. (Lunges at Strom) What the hell's wrong with you? What the hell is wrong with you?

(Hauser breaks up the fight between Clarence and Richmond)

Officer Strom Richmond: Fuck off!

Officer Newton Hauser: This is no time to be fighting! We've got to get this guy to a hospital!

Officer Strom Richmond: That's right. We got to get him to a hospital. Now, let's do it, huh? Come on.

Officer Newton Hauser: God!

Officer Strom Richmond: You hear? What? You want some of me?

"So this is what happens when you make Ramrod from Vice Squad into a cop." Sean said.

Sean: (Narrating) Hauser tells Richmond to take care of the problem and Clarence has a big problem about what he just witnessed and that they have to report it, which Officer Hauser does not like.

Officer Newton Hauser: Those "assholes" are cops. Who the fuck are you to judge 'em? Shit, man, you got a green dick. Those guys have been risking their asses on the streets for years. You see, the fucker went for Strom's gun.

Officer Clarence Smith: Bullshit.

Officer Newton Hauser: Oh, now, maybe those two guys went too far tonight. Maybe... it was all a mistake. But next time, it could be you. So, you know, you don't ever roll over, and you never... rat out a fellow officer, and you never, never... break the code.

"Just remember that. We're like the mafia, but with badges." Sean said, imitating Officer Hauser.

Sean: (Narrating) Richmond and Crumfield take Moorehouse to the docks and put him in his car. Then they proceed to do some dirty cop shit by shooting Moorehouse up with some heroin that him, Crumfield and Hauser were dealing on the streets, plant the drugs in his car and they push his car into the water with Moorehouse still inside. We cut to a year later, where we see that Clarence has lft the police force and he became a drunk. He comes across a mural of Moorehouse and he hears his voice.

Moorehouse's Voice: Bring them to me.

(Clarence drops his bottle and sees the mural of Moorehouse and a vision of Moorehouse on the crucifix)

Martin Moorehouse: Clarence, bring them to me. Bring them to me.

"Always look on the bright side of life." Sean said, imitating Moorehouse and whistles.

Sean: (Narrating) Clarence agrees to bring them to Moorehouse and he convinces the trio to meet him at the cemetery to celebrate while he's drunk out of his mind.

Officer Clarence Smith: One year ago today, I fell for your bullshit. You know, I actually believed that Strom and Billy were gonna take Moorehouse to the hospital.

Officer Strom Richmond: Shut the fuck up! You don't get it, do you? We tried to take him, and he didn't want to go. You understand? He didn't want to go.

Officer Clarence Smith: Just cut the shit, Strom!

Officer Strom Richmond: Shut the fuck up, boy.

Officer Clarence Smith: Cut the shit!

Officer Strom Richmond: Shut the fuck up!

Officer Clarence Smith: Cut the shit! That story never did make any sense. Just save it.

Officer Newton Hauser: Save it for who? Hey, Clarence, if we go down, you go down.

Officer Strom Richmond: Yeah, that's right, Clarence. You go down.

"Boy, the police sure do take "the code" very seriously." Sean said.

Sean: (Narrating) Clarence take the corrupt bastards over to Moorehouse's grave, but Newton has a plan to take Clarence out. They arrive Moorehouse's grave and they proceed to pay their respects with Strom pissing on Moorehouse's grave and now, it's Billy's turn to piss on his grave.

Officer Billy Crumfield: This would be as good a place as any to bleed the old lizard, I guess.

(Crumfield unzips his pants and gets ready to pee on Moorehouse's grave)

Officer Billy Crumfield: (Chuckles) Come on.

(Hauser and Richmond point their guns at Clarence)

Officer Newton Hauser: Say goodnight.

(A zombified Moorehouse bursts from the grave and grabs Crumfield by his genitals and hits hit head on his tombstone)

Sean: (V/O as Billy) Oh, God! That's the worst handjob that I've gotten!

(Moorehouse pulls Crumfield beneath the ground. Richmond pushes Clarence out of the way and starts shooting at Moorehouse's grave)

Officer Newton Hauser: Stop shooting, goddamn it! There's nothin' there! He's gone! Damn it, man. This is no time to panic!

Officer Strom Richmond: Well, when the fuck do we start to panic?

(Moorehouse's coffin bursts from the ground)

"While all that is going on, the Phantasm just dropped a statue on Buzz Bronski." Sean said while a clip from Batman: Mask of the Phantasm is shown.

Sean: (Narrating) Moorehouse comes back from the dead for his revenge. He kills Billy by ripping out his heart like a character from Mortal Kombat, while Hauser and Richmond run for their lives with their tails between their legs while Moorehouse pursues them in a very creepy scene.

(Strom grabs the radio to call for backup, but Newton snatches the radio from out of his hand)

Officer Newton Hauser: What are you doing? Huh? What are you gonna-

Officer Strom Richmond: Unit 187!

Officer Newton Hauser: What are you gonna tell 'em? That the body of a citizen we murdered has come back to kill us? Use your fuckin' head for once!

"What?! They'll probably believe us anyway!" Sean exclaimed, imitating Strom.

Sean: (Narrating) Zombie Moorehouse pops up again and kills Strom by ripping his head off, leaving Newton alone to fend for himself.

(Newton shoots at the police cruiser a couple of time, making it explode and killing the zombified Moorehouse)

"What is this, Grand Theft Auto? That's not how it works. In fact, that's pretty stupid." Sean said.

Sean: (Narrating) Newton comes across the mural of Moorehouse and goes insane, but then Zombie Moorehouse shows up again and he gets his shirt ripped off, revealing that he has a walking Nuke factory inside him. Newton makes a run for it and Moorehouse uses his zombie Force powers on the dirty cop .

(Moorehouse uses telekenesis to throw hypodermic needles at Hauser. One hits him in the back and he stumbles to the mural and turns around. Another needle hits his hand and he is hit with a few more needles a couple of times and another one flies into his mouth. Officer Hauser's body melts into the mural, becoming a painting of himself crucified)

"Okay, how is that even possible? Did they give Moorehouse some super heroin before he died?" Sean asked.

Officer Clarence Smith: Are you satisfied now, brother?

(Moorehouse grabs Clarence by his throat)

Martin Moorehouse: Where were you when I needed you, brother?

Sean: (Narrating) And the tale ends with Clarence sent to a mental hospital. A nice, little revenge tale with some creative kills. After the first story ends, Mr. Simms shows the trio another coffin, of something that we are not seeing.

Bulldog: Man, what type of shit?

Ball: What the fuck happened to him?

Stack: Hey, c-can we just get our shit and go?

Mr. Simms: Oh, no. You're going to want to hear about this one.

"Yo man, how long? I'm missin' a new episode of Family Matters." Sean said, imitating Stack.

Sean: (Narrating) Mr. Simms, tells them a story of a boy named Walter. And this is where we come to our second story of the evening called "Boys Do Get Bruised", it's about a boy named Walter Johnson, played by Brandon Hammond, who is dealing with a monster in his house. The next day, his teacher Richard Garvey, played by Rusty Cundieff, introduces Walter to his class since he's the new student. And since he's the new student, he gets into a fight with a kid named Tyrone. After he breaks up the fight, Walter is sent to the nurse's office and when Mr. Garvey checks on him, he noticed that Walter has a black eye.

Richard Garvey (Played by Rusty Cundieff): Did Tyrone hit you in the eye?

Nurse: That didn't just happen. It's a couple of days old. Look at the coloring.

Richard Garvey: Tyrone didn't hit you.

(Walter shakes his head)

Richard Garvey: Well, who did? Was it one of the other boys?/Was it someone at home? Maybe your mother?

(Walter shakes his head no once more)

Richard Garvey: Your father? Did he do this?

Walter Johnson (Played by Brandon Hammond): Uh-uh. He's dead.

Richard Garvey: I'm sorry. Walter, if you tell me and Nurse Parchman...

"Hey, it's T'keyah Crystal Keymah from In Living Color and That's So Raven. I didn't know that she was in this movie." Sean said after noticing her character Nurse Parchman.

Sean: (Narrating) Walter tells Mr. Garvey that the monster did this to him and he tells him that no one would believe him about it. Later that night, Walter gets terrorized by the monster and the next day at school, Mr. Garvey notices bruises on Walter's arm. Anyway, Mr. Garvey takes interest in Walter when he noticed the drawing of the monster. Here's the thing about Walter, he has the power to draw a picture and he can cripple people through his drawings, and he unleashes this power on the school bully.

Richard Garvey: (Sees Tyrone laying on the gurney) What happened to him?

Teacher: He was running after recess and fell down the stairs.

Richard Garvey: Well, did somebody shove him or-

Teacher: No, he just fell. Sort of collapsed. But you know, it makes no sense. How do you break both arms and legs falling down? Boy must've had weak bones.

"Wow, this movie pulled a death note way before Death Note ever existed." Sean said.

Sean: (Narrating) Mr. Garvey visits Walter at his home and he is greeted by his mother Sissy, played by Paula Jai Parker, as she invites him in to talk about Walter and his drawing.

Richard Garvey: Miss Johnson, I came to talk about your boy Walter, because he seems to be having some problems.

Sissy Johnson (Played by Paula Jai Parker): Problems?

Richard Garvey: Uh, yeah, perhaps because he just recently changed schools.

Sissy Johnson: What kind of problems? I mean, all kids have problems, don't they? That's what life is- problems.

"Oh, yeah. I'm sure that your son's got some problems involving monsters beating him up. It's probably his imagination running wild." Sean said.

Richard Garvey: Um, well, he seems to come to school with a lot of bruises, you know. (Sighs) Kind of banged up.

Sissy Johnson: The boy's clumsy. He's always fallin' over something'. I don't know where he gets it. Not me. Certainly not me.

"Are you trying to seduce me, Trudy Proud?" Sean asked, imitating Mr. Garvey.

Sean: (Narrating) Mr. Garvey tells Sissy about what Walter said about a monster living in the house, but before she chews him out for telling stories, her husband and Walter's stepfather Carl, played by David Alan Grier, arrives home after a long day from work and Mr. Garvey talks to Carl about Walter's problems.

Richard Garvey: There's, uh, this monster that he says is in the house. He seems very disturbed by it. In fact, he's even drawn a picture of the monster.

(Mr. Garvey shows Carl the drawing of the monster)

Richard Garvey: He, uh... thinks he needs to kill the monster. I mean, he... he really believes it.

Carl (Played by David Alan Grier): I'll talk to him.

Richard Garvey: That's it? You'll just talk to him?

Carl: (Takes his glasses off) I will talk... to him.

"I'll talk to him with only my fists and my belt. I'll give him an ass whoopin' he'll never forget." Sean said, imitating Carl.

Sean: (Narrating) Yeah, as you could clearly tell that Carl is the monster that's terrorizing Walter. You can tell by his mannerisms with him being domineering to Sissy and kicking Mr. Garvey out. Let's not forget that he was looking at the drawing. There's also this one moment in the segement that I like and it is one of my favorite shots of all time where we see through Walter's imagination and you see the shadow of the monster hovering over him, but in reality, the monster happens to be Carl. You take something serious like child abuse and make it scary.

Monster's Voice: Make- You little motherfucker. You like to draw fucked-up pictures of people, huh?

(The monster growls and charges at Walter, picking him up. The "monster" is revealed to be Carl)

Carl: Huh?

Sissy Johnson: (Enters Walter's room) Carl, no!

Sean: (Narrating) Carl is revealed to be Walter's "monster" and he proceeds to beat Sissy right in front of Walter like he's Ike Turner. All joking aside, this part is really scary just witnessing a mother and her son getting abused by this guy and even though David Alan Grier is known for comedy, he did a really good job portraying this character and I was legit scared of him after watching this.

Carl: (Grabs Walter by his ear) Your little ass is mine! Oh, you gonna draw a picture of somebody, make them look like a monster? What, you think that shit is funny?

"Yeah, try watching In Living Color, you'll never look at David Alan Grier the same way ever again after watching this segment." Sean said.

Sean: (Narrating) Carl lays the smackdown on Walter until Mr. Garvey jumps in and it becomes a 3-on-1 handicapped match and Carl is still whooping their asses.

Richard Garvey: Look, stop, man. Just take it easy.

Carl: Take it easy? This ain't yout motherfuckin' house!

(Mr. Garvey takes a swing at Carl, but misses right when Carl moves out of the way. We then see Carl beating up Mr. Garvey right in front of Walter and Sissy. Carl kicks Mr. Garvey in the face, knocking him out)

Jim Ross: (V/O) Will somebody stop the damn match? Enough's enough!

Carl: (Gets ready to hit Sissy with a frying pan) Bitch!

(Walter folds the drawing, his body starts to crumple)

Sean: (Narrating) Walter realizes that he has the power to destroy the monster and he does this by folding and crumpling the drawing, turning him into melted Stretch Armstrong.

Carl: This shit ain't over, bitch.

Sean starts laughing a bit from seeing Carl's crumpled-up body.

"Okay, is this a horror movie or a comedy? I just can't take this part seriously. Can we just have a sign that reminds us that this is supposed to be a scary movie, please?" Sean asked.

(The words "THIS IS SUPPOSED TO BE A SCARY MOVIE" appear on screen)

"Thank you. It was starting to look like an In Living Color sketch." Sean said.

Sean: (Narrating) Sissy steps on the drawing, killing Carl, and Walter finishes him off by burning the drawing of his monster, thus ending the story as we see Carl's burnt body in the coffin and Mr. Simms moves to the next story as he shows them a doll that he found in a home in the south.

Ball: So dead motherfuckers be playin' with dolls now, right?

Mr. Simms: Yes. But this doll, it's a way station for lost souls.

Stack: What?

Mr. Simms: Sometimes, when a person's body has been through a lot, the soul is displaced. This doll is a place for the soul to survive... until it can move on.

Ball: Man, are you for real?

Mr. Simms: (Shouts) Yes!

(The trio recoil back in surprise from Simms shouting at them)

"How jumpy are these morons? Yeah, the most dangerous drug dealers in the hood, my ass." Sean laughed.

Sean: (Narrating) We then come to the third story of the evening called "KKK Comeuppance", where we're introduced to a racist Southern senator named Duke Metger, played by Corbin Bernsen. Fun fact: the name Duke Metger is a combination of two real life white supremacists David Duke and Tom Metzger. We see him and his assistant Rhodie Willis, played by frequent Spike Lee collaborator Roger Guenveur Smith, are going over his commercials since Metger is running for governor and it would probably give him a few votes from black people. But here's the problem, the black and Jewish communites have teamed up to protest against Metger.

"Let's just say that Senator Metger was a one-time member of a certain white supremacy group." Sean said.

Sean: (Narrating) Let's not forget that Metger has set up his office at an old slave plantation. Then, a man named Eli, played by Art Evans, does what every black person would do on live television, act a fool.

Eli (Played by Art Evans): There ain't nothing we need to do! They're gonna take care of it. They're going to make him pay for being here!

Female Reporter: Who will make him pay, sir?

Eli: The souls! The souls are gonna make him pay! They're gonna make him pay for bein' in there. Miss Cobbs was the keeper of the souls! And now there's no peace in the dollhouse now!

Female Reporter: The dollhouse?

Eli: The dollhouse! They're going to make him pay- the dollhouse.

"Dude, you're embarrassing our people. I suggest that you tone it down a notch." Sean said.

Sean: (Narrating) Metger sees this going on and he tells Rhodie that the plantation was owned by Nathan Wilkes, his ancestor, and the history about it and the deaths of slaves.

Duke Metger (Played by Corbin Bernsen): The fools believe that their souls never rested till Miss Cobbs, an old voodoo woman, bought the place. (Points at the mural of Miss Cobbs and the dolls on the wall) That's- That's her there in the mural.

Rhodie Willis (Played by Roger Guenveur Smith): What are those?

Duke Metger: Dolls. Legend is, she transferred the souls of the slaves into little dolls. Negro dolls. Word is, they remain in the house right to this day.

Rhodie Willis: You ever seen any of 'em?

Duke Metger: I searched every inch of this house when I first bought the place. I figured the little black bastards might be worth something, but, no, I never found any. (Sighs) And now they feel that the place should remain empty as a- as a remembrance to the atrocity, to let the souls rest like a- like an old Nazi camp. Personally, I think the whole thing adds to a certain Southern charm.

Rhodie Willis: You're a sick fuck, Duke.

"I'm telling you this right now since I'm a black guy working for a racist prick like you. You are a sick bastard." Sean said.

Sean: (Narrating) Metger and Rhodie are busy working on Metger's media skills on camera while Rhodie shows his boss how to do it.

Rhodie Willis: We all have a past. It's the better man who can learn from his failures. I know that I've learned from mine, and I'm better for it.

Duke Metger: Uh-huh. Well, what- what about the house?

Rhodie Willis: Well, I thik that it's quite unfair to judge me or anyone else by the misdeeds of his ancestors. After all, I have quite a few of my own to account for. (Chuckles)

Duke Metger: Aren't you afraid of the dolls? What about the ghosts?

Rhodie Willis: Well, the only spooks that I'm afraid of are the ones with guns.

"Hey, hey, hey! Watch it, Smiley!" Sean exclaimed as he points his gun at the camera. "Just remember, you're black like me too."

Rhodie Willis: I'm concerned with traditional American values, original-

(Rhodie starts stumbling and falls down the stairs to his death)

"Ok, how clumsy are you to fall down the stairs?" Sean asked.

(Rhodie falls down the stairs while cartoony sound effects play in the background)

Sean: (Narrating) Rhodie dies for being a clumsy idiot and at his funeral, Metger is questioned by reporters about his death and regarding the plantation being haunted. But then crazy Eli shows up to tell Metger to be afraid of the dolls.

Eli: Them souls don't want you there. They didn't want him there. Now you best to leave, or you'll end up just like him... or worse.

Duke Metger: Well, sir, I have no intention of leaving, so let's just hope that the house and I can get along. Can't we all just get along?

"Really, dude? You're quoting Rodney King. Never quote Rodney King in front of a crazy black man. Are you insane?" Sean asked.

Sean: (Narrating) Metger drives away in his limo and he sees the doll laying on the floor.

Duke Metger: Driver, who'd you let in this vehicle? Stop the car. Stop the damn car! Damn it.

Limo Driver: I let no one in the car, sir.

(Metger throws the doll out of the limo)

Sean: (V/O as Doll) You'll be sorry.

Sean: (Narrating) Later that night, Metger is watching the footage of Rhodie's death until he noticed the doll in the video.

Duke Metger: (Sees the doll in the video) What the fuck?

"Did Charlie Sheen leave that doll here?" Sean asked, imitating Duke.

Sean: (Narrating) Duke notices that something is missing on the mural, which is the image of the doll that Miss Cobbs was holding and he comes in contact with the doll that wants him out of the house.

Duke Metger: (To the doll) Where the fuck did your little black ass come from? Huh? You think you and some old voodoo bitch could scare me out of my house? I don't care how many slave died here. I-I didn't kill 'em. You're getiin' no reparations. You hear me? No reparations!

(Metger throws a vase at the stairs and he sees that the doll has vanished)

"Eh, that vase was fake anyway." Sean said.

(Metger hears footsteps running around the house as he looks around to see if the doll is anywhere. He turns his attention to the mural on the wall)

Duke Metger: You goddamn voodoo bitch!

(Metger yells and he grabs the flag and starts beating the mural with it, damaging it, which starts to bleed)

"What a way to disrespect America." Sean said.

"If he was running for Governor in my birth state of Tennessee, the man wouldn't get my vote." Brian said.

Sean: (Narrating) The doll from Trilogy of Terror shows up and starts attacking Metger, but he manages to beat the doll up with the American flag and pin it to a dartboard and blows it away with his shotgun. But then, he sees that some of the dolls in the mural are gone.

Duke Metger: I'm not afraid of you! I killed one of you! I'll kill you all, you- you little nigglins!

Sean starts laughing a bit. "Oh, God. Is he going for cartoony villain over-the-top here? I can't even take this segment seriously. This is hilarious! Why are people scared of this one? This is just a guy trying to fight dolls."

Sean: (Narrating) Metger does his cartoony racist rant like Michael Richards, until the doll that he shot comes back with some silly stop-motion animation. But then, Metger's time is up when he sees that all of the paintings in the mural are gone and the dolls appear to get their revenge.

(Duke sees the dolls in his office. He is surrounded by him and he covers himself with the American flag)

"Don't kill me. I love America." Sean said, imitating Duke.

(The dolls charge at Metger and the dolls begin to devour him)

"Well, at least it didn't end with him falling in love with a Golliwog and having sex with it and ends with him getting pregnant by the Golliwog and having a bunch of golliwog dolls burst out of his stomach like Paisley Houndstooth from A.N.T. Farm." Sean said as that clip from Tales From the Hood 2 is shown featuring the segment "Good Golly", where we see Alexandria DeBerry's character Audrey dying from having a bumch of mini golliwog dolls pop out of her stomach after having sex with the Golliwog. "Yeah, that was pretty weird."

Sean: (Narrating) And the story ends as Miss Cobbs appears and watches while she holds the doll in her hand. After that story, the trio are getting sick and tired of hearing stories, all they want is the shit. But then Ball notices a corpse in another room who looks very familiar to them.

Mr. Simms: You knew him?

Ball: Sho' did.

Stack: Hell, no.

Bulldog: We didn't know him.

Mr. Simms: Yeah. He got himself involved... in that crazy gang madness. Yeah. Shit. He got himself involved... with the shit.

Sean: (Narrating) And now, we come to our final tale and probably the best tale of the evening titled "Hard-Core Convert", and the tale begins as we see a hardened gangster and psychopath named Jerome "Crazy K" Johns, played by the late Lamont Bentley, who you might recognize him as Hakeem in the show Moesha. He's so crazy, that he has style his sideburns like The Rock's. He sees a rival gang member named Lil' Deke, played by the late Ricky Harris, as he follows him into his territory and...

Crazy K (Played by Lamont Bentley): Yo, what's up, Lil' Deke? What's up with all that shit you been talkin', motherfucker? Huh? Huh?

(Crazy K guns down Lil' Deke, killing him)

"Just another regular day in the hood. You have rival gangs beefin' with each other." Sean said.

Sean: (Narrating) Crazy K kills Lil' Deke like he's on Grand Theft Auto V and he makes a run for it. But, some of Lil' Deke's associates retaliate by shooting at Crazy K. Also, gotta love the fact that a choir is singing in Latin in this scene. Nice touch.

(The three associates of Lil' Deke surrounds a wounded Crazy K. Their identities are covered in darkness)

Associate #1: Where you want me to shoot your ass, motherfucker? In the head or in the chest? Blast your little-ass dick off first.

Associate #2: What's up now, Crazy K? Oh, you crazy, huh? You lookin' kind of fucked up.

"Okay, first of all, those three guys don't look oddly familiar. And second, can't you just finish him off instead of talking shit to him? Haven't you fucking idiots ever learn from The Good, the Bad and the Ugly?!" Sean asked.

(A clip from The Good, the Bad and the Ugly is shown)

Tuco (Played by Eli Wallach): When you have to shoot, shoot. Don't talk.

Sean: (Narrating) But before they could finish him off, the cops show up and they kill the three men and Crazy K lives to see another day.

Crazy K: Shit. Saved by the motherfuckin' cops. Damn.

"Also, it's a surprise that the cops showed up quite fast." Sean said.

Sean: (Narrating) But Crazy K doesn't get off that easy and he is sent to prison as we flash forward to 4 years later as we see a woman named Dr. Cushing, played by Rosalind Cash in her final film role, as she gives him an offer that he can't refuse.

Dr. Cushing (Played by Rosalind Cash): How would you like to be released from prison?

Crazy K: Man, is you fuckin' with my mind or what? Man, how that shit gonna happen?

Dr. Cushing: Consent to behavioral modification, and you'll be out on the street in no time.

"I just love the fact that she is named after horror legend Peter Cushing. I think it's a nice touch." Sean said.

Sean: (Narrating) Crazy K agrees and he is transferred to a facility for an experimental trial and he is put in a cell next to...

Racist Inmate (Played by Rick Dean): (To Jerome) So you're a real bad-ass spade, huh?

"Some racist prick who wants to get killed." Sean said.

Sean: (Narrating) Rick Dean plays the racist inmate who's a really crazy and homicidal white supremacist. And the things he say in this scene aren't family-friendly and I might get demonitized for this. Just trust me on this one. To make this short and simple: he's a psyhotic white man in the white supremacist and he talks about killing black people.

Racist Inmate: Do you... wanna be spared? Come join my army.

(Crazy K punches the inmate in the face)

"Oh, really now. I have that punch sound effect." Sean said as he punches off screen to prove his point.

Sean: (Narrating) The inmate asks Crazy K what color were the victims that he killed and he takes a liking to him. Afterwards, Dr. Cushing takes Crazy K and his black speedos and they strap him on a table that makes Will Smith's throne spin around in the intro to The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air. And they proceed to torture him by showing him graphic images of black-on-black crime and images of the KKK lyinching black people as well.

"Look, we are not going to show that part because of the graphic images. Yeah, it's all shocking to watch. Let me just tell you this, this is the graphic violent version of what Alex has to go through in A Clockwork Orange." Sean said.

Dr. Cushing: What's wrong, Jerome? You don't like seeing black people get killed? But isn't that what you've been doing all your life, Jerome? You know, Jerome? Cain was the world's first murderer. He slayed his brother! And how many brothers have you slain?

Sean: (Narrating) After that fucked-up scene of imagery, Dr. Cushing puts Crazy K in a sensory deprivation chamber, where he is confronted some of the people that he killed. And honestly, this is a pretty good scene. You see all of the victims that he killed. Hell, he even killed a little girl as well. A little girl. She was killed by a stray bullet that came from him and he says this line.

Crazy K: Uh, a-a-a bullet ain't got no name on it. You-You-You was just at the wrong place at the wrong time.

Sean: (Narrating) And then all of the others that he killed appear and Dr. Cushing appears as well. Plus, the performances of Lamont Bently and Rosalind Cash is pretty good.

Crazy K: So you gonna blame all this shit on me? Huh? You trying to make me crazy or something, motherfucker? Huh? I don't owe no responsibilites for these motherfuckers.

Dr. Cushing: But you are responsible for the lives you've taken, for the dreams you've turned into nightmares.

Crazy K: Nightmares? Motherfucker, what about my nightmare?

"I had a dream that Moesha's father was coming after me with a shotgun. He tried to blow my head off!" Sean exclaimed, imitating Crazy K.

Sean: (Narrating) Dr. Cushing tries to give Crazy K a chance at redemption, but Crazy K blows it, but it turns out to be a dream and the three guys kill Crazy K, thus ending the tale.

"Also, I want to talk about this ending, because, oh, my God! This is one of the best twists ever." Sean said.

Sean: (Narrating) So, you remember those three guys who killed Crazy K in the last tale? Well, it's revealed that Stack, Ball and Bulldog were the ones that killed Crazy K. And since they're sick of hearing tales from Mr. Simms, he takes them to "the shit" which is in three coffins, and we get a pretty good reveal.

(Stack opens the coffin and sees himself laying in it)

Stack: Holy shit!

(Ball opens the coffin up and sees himself laying in it as well)

Ball: What the fuck is this, man?

(Bulldog sees himself in the coffin)

Bulldog: What the- What's going on?

Sean: (Narrating) Turns out that after they killed Crazy K, some of his boys killed them, and they're dead. And Mr. Simms reveals what this is all this time.

Mr. Simms: This.. ain't no funeral home! It ain't the Terrordome neither! Welcome to Hell... motherfuckers.

Sean: (Narrating) Mr. Simms reveals himself to be Satan and the three of them are left to burn for eternity with the rest of the souls in Hell, giving us a scary as hell ending. Plus, that's the best looking Satan that I have ever seen in my life, even though it's Clarence Williams III underneath all that makeup, but he still makes a scary Satan.

"And that was Tales From the Hood and after that ending, man, I still love it." Sean said.

(Clips from the movie are shown once more)

Sean: (Narrating) Okay, I can't say that it's perfect at times, but the movie does have some great writing and some very good practical effects and some great visuals, even though some of the visual effects for the movie look dated. The stories and the performances make the movie memorable and they did pick some good performers and brought a unique charm to them. And being an anthology movie works to it's advantage because you can jump from one story to another and dealing with different issues and giving it a supernatural twist to it. It's also cool that I discovered this movie when I was a kid and I watched it, absolutely loved it. It is a memorable movie that we all enjoy and if you haven't seen it, then go check it out. Tales From the Hood comes in at 4 killer dolls out of 5.

"And that wraps up this year's Halloween Havoc. So, next time, it probably makes sense to review something different. Maybe a wacky comedy involving a lawyer, crooks, a beautiful woman and a fish... and a guy who died from laughter." Sean said.

Mayhem Critic Tagline- How do you break both arms and legs falling down? Boy must've had weak bones.

And Halloween Havoc VI is finally finished. So, which movie is your favorite in Halloween Havoc VI? And don't worry, when Halloween Havoc VII comes next year, there will be more movies to review. Next time on The Mayhem Critic, this movie is regarded as one of the hilarious movies of all-time and Sean and Brian are going to review it, even if they end up dying from laughter. And that movie is A Fish Called Wanda. After the review of A Fish Called Wanda, it's the movie Spy Kids. And after the Spy Kids review... COMMERCIALS. That's right, Commercials XI: The Bad Batch. I hope that you're excited for the reviews coming up. Make sure you review the new chapter, add this story to your favorites and follow it for future updates. If you would like to do a co-review or if you have any requests for a movie or a TV show, feel free to PM me if you're interested. I'll see you guys next time. Till next time, my fellow readers.