36
I haven't practice my ski since years ago, but I still haven't forgot it at all. I'm wearing Rika's pink ski suit, and it's so warm and pretty it does make me feel as a professional as I slide down the intermediates' track. I'm so happy to be here I even think of switching to the professionals' track.
I spend the whole day outside, and I'm having so much fun that I even forget about all my problems. Despite the wind being cold, I love to feel it hitting my face. Intermediates' track ends up being so easy, that the rest of the afternoon I spend it learning how to do snowboard, and it turns out I'm also very good at it. Snowboard is even more fun than ski, since Mei Lin also practices it, and so we both slide down together.
We get back at the hotel when the sunset ends. Mei Lin's chatting with one of her Chinese class buddies, so I head to the restaurant, looking for something to eat. Since we've been outside all day I'm basically starving.
But right as I'm crossing the lobby, I run into Syaoran. He's with Terada and Yamazaki, but when they see me, they say hi and keep on walking, towards their room. Syaoran stops, although the expression in his face tells me he's not that happy to be there.
"Hi." I say nervously, as I try not to show that I had a blast, and that I forgot we're about to break up. He just nods. "Are you mad at me?"
"Mad at you? Why would I be mad at you?" He says, and I can only look at the floor.
"Are you mad because I didn't sit with you during the bus trip?" I do feel guilty now, although he can't see it in my face because I'm still looking at the floor.
"I was the one who invited you to this mid-term winter trip." He says. "So yeah, you had to sit with me. Also, because you're still my girlfriend."
"A fake girlfriend." I correct him in a whisper, which makes him growl.
"Even if you're just a fake girlfriend, I'm also mad because you've been avoiding me all day. Where were you?"
But I don't answer.
"No, wait. You've been avoiding me since way before." He hurries to correct himself. He does look and sound mad, and my guilt increases exponentially. "Why are you doing this?" He asks. "I thought we were cool and one day you decide you just don't want to hang with me any longer, and then this morning you send me a text telling me you want to break up…"
Once again, I can't say a word. So we stand there, in silence. Syaoran's waiting for me to say something, to fight back, but I can't. I can't even look at him; how does he expect me to say something?
"Want to know something funny?" He says slowly. "I was starting to like you."
My heart skips a beat. I cannot breathe. For a second, the whole world stops. I finally look up to look at him, and I can see it's now him the one that's looking at the floor. And then, slowly, everything gets back in motion.
"Stop pretending."
"I'm not faking it." He quickly jumps, looking back at me. "I thought I liked you when we both were in seventh grade. That's why I kissed you when we were both alone at D. Flourite basement. But then nothing happened. We both went back home that night and then we just grew apart. And then… Your letter came. It made me remember that night. How you were." He hurries to correct himself. "How you are." And he sighs. "You're still the same. Just as I remembered you. Just as I fell for you. That's the real reason why I came up with this plan. To pretend we're in a relationship. I wanted to know how would it be, how would it feel like, how things could've been for us, but without the risk of being hurt. And this is how you pay me."
"Syaoran…"
But he doesn't listen.
"But it was obvious I was still taking a risk. Because, as I said, you're still the girl I fell for in seventh grade. Because this fake relationship is just as I imagined this would between us."
"What about Daidouji?"
Syaoran growls, visibly annoyed.
"My God, Sakura! Why you always have to bring her up? I'm talking about me, and you, and you have to… Agh! Just, listen: I was thirteen, and no idea of how to get close to you. Tomoyo told me she liked me and so I decided to give her a chance. Yes, things lasted for some years, but in the end, it just didn't work and so we broke up. We're still friends since we've been friends for basically all of our lives. Just like you've been my friend since like forever. Despite whatever I may say, or you say, or whatever happens between us, I would still like for us to be friends. Just like Tomoyo and I still are. We're not that close as before, that's true, but we're still friends."
"But Yukito saw you at her house!" I finally say, unable to hold it any longer. I just can't keep quiet when I know he's been lying.
"Yes, I was there." He says, no regretful at all, but visibly tired. "And yes, just as I'm sure somebody told you, she also broke up with her college boyfriend. She called me because she needed a shoulder to cry, and that's exactly what I did. Nothing else did happen. We didn't kiss, we didn't make up, and I didn't do a single thing I would be ashamed of doing right in front of you, since nothing happened!"
I get startled when I see him kick the floor.
"Tomoyo just needed someone to listen to her, and since I've been her friend during so many years, I thought it was the right thing to do so, because that's what friends do. Didn't Hiragizawa do the same thing for you? Despite he also got a letter from you, despite him being your older sister's ex-boyfriend? Doesn't he also have your back when you need it?"
I can't help but bite my lip, thinking in all those messages we wrote in paper sheets, and shared them every night, through our bedroom windows.
"I stayed at Tomoyo's place until quite late, because she really needed my help. If you asked me the same thing, I would also do it for you. Night came, Ms. Daidouji asked me to stay to have dinner, and I accepted. I then stayed to help her wash the dishes and we even had some tea because, breaking news, Ms. Daidouji knows me and despite not being Tomoyo's boyfriend anymore, she still likes me. I then said goodbye, and drove home."
I look at the floor once again, as I wring my hands. Should I believe him? I really want to believe him, Syaoran has no reason to lie to me, but we're still talking about Daidouji… Even when she was my friend, should I really not trust her anymore? Should I actually not trust them both, because of the story they share?
My head hurts. Syaoran, unaware of this, takes a deep breath, in order to calm himself.
"I'm now seventeen." He says much calmer, but still mad. "And I'm still young so maybe I'm also screwing things up, but at least I'm being honest with me, with you, and I'm saying it all straight to your face. Tomoyo and I had history, but now, who I like, who I always liked, is you. So, this time, I'm not only going to wait, but I'm going to ask you for an answer. What do you feel for me?"
