It's My Life
Severus made it up the stairs and to Harry's bedroom door, lightly knocking before turning the handle to push the object open and find his son laying on his bed, back to him. Severus walked inside and closed the door behind him before going over to the bed and sitting down on the edge while putting his hand on Harry's shoulder and the teenager only twitched in response to understanding someone was there.
"Harry," Severus started. "I'm sorry." The man said gently. Harry shifted to turn around to be facing him, but was still laying down and the tears were falling silently. "I shouldn't have yelled at you the way I did, or threatened to punish you. I didn't realize how much pain you were in with me continuing to spy until you went to these lengths to show me. But you have to understand why I've done it, son." Severus paused.
"I was seventeen when I took that mark, working as a spy for the dark lord. And despite changing sides to ensure your family was safe, Albus told me to keep spying. I thought I had no choice to keep you safe, to always know what he was up to." Severus explained.
"I only gave up spying one other time, and it was all the years the dark lord was assumed to be destroyed after the night he killed your parents. But when the dark lord returned to his physical body in your fourth year, Albus was the one who told me I had to go back to spying, to protect you." The man added.
"And Albus told me I had to stay with my muggle relatives to protect me too. We've seen how much of a lie that was to control me." Harry sniffled.
"Yes, and I understand that, Harry. Remus revealed the very same to me moments ago that Albus is gone and he can't control me anymore either." Severus stated. "I thought I was doing the right thing by you, son." He added. "You were right…When I started working for the dark lord, I didn't care what happened to me."
The man continued, "The same was for when I went back to spying. I knew the risks to my life if I was ever caught siphoning information about the dark lord's plans to the Order and I never cared as long as it kept you safe so I could uphold the promise I made to your parents when they died that you would always be protected."
Harry closed his eyes again, afraid to be told that Severus was going to stay as a spy. "But that was before the situation changed from me protecting the boy who lived prophesied to defeat the dark lord over to me protecting the boy who has become my son. Still prophesied to defeat the dark lord, but the boy who is my son. You were right that it's not just me anymore." Severus revealed.
Harry looked up at his father quickly. "You were right and I was wrong. You are my son, Harry, and there isn't anyone more important to me than you. I made a promise to your parents, yes…But I made one to you too, and there isn't anything I wouldn't do for your safety and happiness."
"Y-You'll stop being a spy?" Harry asked as he sat upright.
"You love me enough to put that mark on your arm to protect me. I love you enough to stop being a spy so that you never have to worry about losing me." Severus smiled at his son. Harry threw his arms around his father's neck to hug him as Severus embraced his boy back. After a moment, they separated and Harry wiped his eyes. "I'm sorry for yelling at you, Harry. I shouldn't have, I just didn't understand why you were acting the way you were. I see now that it was fear, and still grieving the loss of Sirius."
"It was never Sirius. Yes, I lost him and it hurts a great deal…But when I realized you'd returned after hours of being gone and saw you in that state, I was scared. I was afraid…I'd been worried the whole time you were gone. I was listening when Narcissa said you could be dead. So when you came back, I did the only thing I knew I could do to stop you…Take your mark so you wouldn't feel the summons or pain anymore." Harry said. "A-Am I still grounded?"
"I technically never grounded you. I said I would, but never set the punishment." Severus informed. "Now, even with all that out of the way…We still need to talk, but I'll make it brief." Harry nodded to him. "I am sorry for the fight we had, but you were still wrong to argue with me that way. If you wanted to reveal your true feelings about me being a spy and that you were scared to lose me; it should have been done privately. All you had to do was ask to speak to me and we could have gone anywhere else with a silencing spell up and talked calmly." He explained.
"There was no reason to have all that out in front of everyone, Harry. You're almost sixteen, and that level of emotion and how you went about it with the defiance and telling me to punish you…Saying I don't love you enough, is as I said, bordering on a tantrum." Harry looked down. "However, I'm overlooking it this time because I know the outburst was you being unable to contain all the pain you're feeling from losing your godfather. I know you're grieving, and I know the stages of grief. Be there a next time, my son, I expect you to approach it better."
"Yes, father," Harry replied. "I didn't mean to have it all out like that…But I didn't think anything calm would work. I've told you before that it scared me and I didn't want to lose you. I told you after trial when I first put the mark on me…I told you I didn't want to lose another father…" He looked down. "And the more you kept telling me to put it back…I just couldn't contain the pain or fear."
"I understand. But still, I would have preferred you leave the room and I chase you in here before you yelled at me. Our business is no business of anyone else." Severus mentioned. "Now, it's alright. All it settled and behind us." Severus hugged his son again, putting a kiss to his temple. "Come on, it's almost dinner time." Harry stood up, and then Severus decided not to end the talk yet.
"Wait," Severus saw his son stop and look back at him. "Harry…Are you alright? I know you're taking Sirius's death hard, and I won't lie about the fact I don't like how much time you spend in your room. You barely hang out with your friends, or Draco anymore. I know you're upset about losing your godfather, but this sadness is worrying."
"I'm…I don't really know. It hurts and my mood for much of anything is gone. It hits at random, Dad. I try to sit with everyone, but then the pain hits of losing Sirius and I remove myself because I don't want anyone to see. I'm supposed to be the world's savior, but-," Harry sighed. "Merlin, I'm pathetic."
"No, Harry. You're not pathetic, please don't say such negative things about yourself." Severus said. "Sit down. We clearly have something else to talk about."
Not arguing with his father, Harry sat back down. "All the things I've survived in my fifteen years of life and I can't handle a death." He sighed.
"It was the death of someone you held dear and saw as family. I know you saw Cedric die and he was your friend, doubled by the fact you could not save him. I know that torments you, and the reason it does is because it's the first death you ever witnessed. Before that, you had not witnessed nor lost anyone to make an impression. You and Cedric weren't close, right?" Harry nodded to him.
"He's just someone you attended school with, competed against in the tournament?" Severus asked. Harry nodded again. "But it had an impression on you as traumatic. You witnessed death, and it gave you the ability to see the Thestrals. The flying, skeleton horses that pulled the carriages from Hogsmead. You can only see those once you've seen death firsthand. Others just think the carriages are enchanted. They're not."
"Okay, I didn't know that…I-Is seeing death also what let me hear the voices beyond the veil?" Harry inquired.
"What voices?" Severus questioned.
"When me and the others escaped the Hall of Prophecy, we fell down to the level where that veil was that Sirius went through. This was right before the death eaters came, and the Order. No one knew what the veil was, but I heard voices whispering. Luna heard them too…The others couldn't hear anything." Harry stated.
"I suppose that's possible. Not much is known about the veil other than it being a physical barrier between land of the living and dead. And if you go through, whether you've been killed or not, you die and you can't cross back." Severus informed. "It's rumored that the veil was there before the ministry was, so they built the ministry around it."
He went on. "Either way…Harry, it's okay to be upset about missing Sirius. Everyone knows how much he meant to you, and he was taken too quickly. You never got to say goodbye, double the pain that you know he died protecting you." Harry looked down.
"It's hard." Harry told him.
"What is?" Severus inquired.
"To be upset around everyone. I feel like I can't because when things go wrong, everyone is looking to me for answers. For help. It feels like I'm not allowed to be upset because everyone would lose faith in their precious savior. You don't know what it's like to have the fate of the world on your shoulders…To feel like you can't even be yourself because you're expected to be more." Harry admitted.
"If I break down, people lose their faith because they think it's hopeless. If I've given up, they should too. I feel like I have to be everyone's support rock. Everyone's problem-solver…And I hate it. It makes me more upset, and I don't want to blow up at everyone like I did with you…So I just remove myself."
"That's fair reasoning to remove yourself from the situation, Harry, but it also doubles to you shutting out the people who care and want to help, be there for you. Yes, you are destined to destroy Voldemort, Harry. But that does not mean you are the world's fix-it-all guy. It's your job to get rid of the dark lord, but it's not your job to be everyone's problem solver. Their rock, as you put it." Severus told him.
"Listen to dad now, okay?" Harry nodded to him. "Harry, no one will ever hold it against you for being upset. All they want to do is be there for you, son…Let them. Don't push anyone out, don't close yourself off. They're all worried, and don't want to push your desires to be alone, but they care and trying to be here for you." Severus stated.
"Out in public, I understand not wanting to lose it. But here at the house, with friends…You can fall apart and know that we're all right here to put you back together and pick you up. Being the world's savior does not make you invincible, or immune to everyday things. Above all else, you are still a child. And beyond that, my boy, you are human." He reminded.
Severus put his hand on Harry's shoulder. "As rough as I am, my position as a spy, I broke down when I lost your mother. I sat on the floor, held her body and rocked her back and forth. You were right next to us, in your crib. I did hold you for a little while." He informed, which surprised Harry.
"I understand how it feels to lose someone you love. And I also know that it's okay to cry. To let it out. Harry, it's not healthy to hold this inside. It affects your mood, your eating and sleeping habits. It's why you got so upset earlier, it was more than me spying. It was losing Sirius and Cedric, your parents. It's everything you've been through. You've had no outlet for years." Severus paused now.
You just kept it in, pushed it down…Harry, you're not alone anymore, son. Remember, surrounded by people who love you. You're allowed to get upset when something reminds you of Sirius. You are allowed to get upset over anything that upsets you. But don't hold it in. I don't want you holding in how you feel." The man stated gently. "Alright? If you want to be alone to have a moment, that's fine, but I don't want you existing in here by yourself."
"Yes, Dad," Harry replied.
"It's time to continue living, son. You can mourn and grieve Sirius, but remember that he died for you to live. So keep living and honor his sacrifice. Just as your parents died for you to live too." Severus hugged him. "You can cry with me, with your friends…The wolf even. But don't keep it inside, Harry. It'll destroy you."
"I understand," Harry nodded to him, relaxing in the hug. "I'm…Sorry for yelling at you too."
Severus smiled. "It's alright. All is forgiven. Now, let's go enjoy dinner."
Harry nodded as he followed his father out of the room and they began their trek down the stairs.
. . .
Getting to the base of the stairs, Harry felt a bit nervous about entering the room again; he had stood there less than twenty minutes ago scolding his father for the decision to be a spy still when there was no need. However, Harry wasn't a coward and everyone knew he was grieving and scared. Just like Severus said, Harry had nothing to be ashamed of in his friends and family knowing that. Severus walked in first and just gave everyone that look to not bring it up about before. Harry sat down since dinner wasn't ready yet and Severus was beside him.
"So all is well now?" Remus inquired. "My nephew has relinquished the mark back to you?"
"No, not yet." Severus stated. "Come on, Harry…Hand it over. You admitted to feeling the summons and the pain the dark lord sends through it. It borders a cruciatus curse. I know you've experienced it before, but there's no reason to do it purposely." Severus said. "Give it back and I'll let you sever its connections to the dark lord. I know you said the snake likes me…You can connect it to my magic, like you did Lucius's."
"Okay…" Harry agreed. "Can I please get back at him through it? Just once?"
"What are you gonna do?" Draco asked.
"Give him a taste of his own medicine…" Harry remarked. "Please, Dad? I'm only targeting him. I won't get the others. I can control who gets it."
"Fine, just once." Severus sighed.
Harry beamed as he rolled up his sleeve and held his hand over it before uttering something in Parseltongue as the mark reacted. It only lasted a few seconds before Harry pulled his hand back and the mark stilled. The snake on Harry's arm came back out of the skull and turned to look at Harry; it hissed. "Oh, good. I'm glad." Harry replied to the snake normally.
"Serves him right." The snake hissed again. "Yes, you have to go back to my father's arm…But I'm going to disconnect you from the dark lord's magic, so he can't hurt you anymore. I promise." The snake said something else and Harry tilted his head a bit. "You know, I've never even thought about it."
"What, Harry?" Hermione asked.
"The snake wants me to remove it from the dark lord's magic, but connect it to mine and my dad's…So it can always keep us connected if there's ever trouble. Make it so it could go back and forth between us as a hidden line of communication." Harry said, looking at his father. "To work just like these do," He motioned to his necklace and his father's bracelet. "With your allowance, of course?"
"Can you do it, Harry? Without making yourself tired?" Severus asked. "You severing connections for Lucius nearly made you pass out and I would prefer you do not do such before dinner."
"When I did it with Lucius was the first time I'd ever done it. It took time to work the strands and figure out who was who. These are just connected between the dark lord and the bearer, they link to the other death eaters too. It took a great deal more to have to learn everything as I was doing it. I know what I'm doing now, I know what signature belongs to who. As for what your snake requests, it won't be hard." Harry informed.
"My snake requests allowing it to be connected to you and me, a line of communication similar to the warning alert I have set up on the bracelets? Well, my bracelet, your necklace?" Severus questioned.
"The charms on our connected bracelets only allow for you to know when I need you if I touch it. This link would allow the snake to act as a messenger between us, and allow either of us to know if the other were in trouble. It would be a lot like it is now, just not involving any pain." Harry explained.
"But how would the snake speak to me, I am not a parselmouth. I do not read, write, speak, or even understand it." Severus reminded.
"That was just something the dark lord did. One of the many secrets so that the others could not discover a way to get their marks off. It's too complex to explain, Dad…Just know I know how it's set up and I can rewrite his spell to work for me and manipulate the magic." Harry informed.
"Re…Write his spell?" Ron asked. "Good Merlin, mate…What kind of dark magic have you been playing around in?"
"None. I promised my father I wouldn't mess with dark magic unless it was life or death." Harry informed.
"Harry, you're literally able to remove a dark mark. It's no doubt dark magic and dark is in the name." Hermione pointed out.
"The mark isn't dark magic because it doesn't exist in any books. This mark was created by Voldemort to only work for him. His followers would remain loyal to him or die. The dark lord only removes it from someone once their loyalties have been corrupted and he kills them. He won't let a traitor bear his mark." Harry informed. "It's not dark magic, I don't sense that. It's just something he built that he felt no one would ever be able to contend with because being a parselmouth is required and those are rare." He stated.
"I have a weird ability to see magic, feel it. When I use this, I can see the mark's entire web. I literally see the dark lord's creation for myself and I just rework it to my own. It's not hard, just tedious and requires a lot of focus."
"Very well, son…I'll allow you to grant the snake's request. You can do it after dinner, or whenever you feel ready to." Severus agreed. "For now, my boy, hand it over." He pulled back his sleeve on his left arm.
Harry set his hand on top of his father's, both their hands gripping the other's wrists. "Promise me. Do you promise me you won't go back to Voldemort when you feel the summon?" Harry asked.
Severus turned their wrists to the side and looked right in Harry's eyes with a straight, serious face. "I swear on my life, as your father, that I will not return to Voldemort. I swear to you my days as a spy are done." Severus promised as small strands of light appeared and the snake slithered around their wrists as if to connect them. "You have my solemn vow, Harry."
Harry smiled as the snake looked at him, then Harry nodded and hissed. The entire mark slid from Harry's arm over to Severus's.
"Severus…D-Did you just make an unbreakable vow?" Narcissa asked.
"I did." Severus replied.
"You know how binding those are, right?!" Lucius scolded. "A promise would have sufficed.
"I wanted Harry to know how serious I was." Severus informed.
"Unbreakable vow?" Ginny asked.
"It means that if Uncle Severus ever goes back on what he promised Harry, he dies. The Unbreakable Vow is exactly that. Unbreakable. As in if you don't keep your word, you pay for it with your life." Draco stated. "It's the most sacred, binding, oath a wizard or witch can make."
"You'd put your life on this?" Harry asked.
"I put my life on this as soon as I adopted you, Harry. I'm just making it formally known. You are my son, and nothing will ever get between that bond again." Severus smiled. "You matter far more to me than you'll ever know and I'll spend the rest of my life making sure you never doubt how much I love and care for you."
The lights around their arms faded as Harry let go of Severus's hand and rushed the man in a tight hug. "I love you, Dad."
Severus laughed and hugged Harry back. "I love you too, son. Always."
