Warnings, this describes suicide in a big way. Please don't read if this is going to trigger you.
Help is always there,
Chapter 1
It was the night of the Gala; Arizona had dressed up, done her make up and arranged a babysitter to have Sofia overnight. She looked amazing, well most of her did, she shifted slightly, hoping her prosthetic wasn't too obvious under her floor length dress, deliberately styled to hide any evidence of her disability. Even now the hideous metal stood out against her pale skin. She hated it, she hated herself.
It was going to be hard; Callie would be there, and this would be their first social event not together, and Callie was going to look hot and sexy. Even now Arizona had no idea why she had cheated, why she had ruined everything and destroyed Callie. But tonight, was a chance she looked okay, she had done her best with what she had left, Callie was going to look hot, it was a social environment they'd hopefully be able to hold a civil conversation. That's all she wanted to see her wife and have a conversation. It was also her big event as an amputee, everything she had previously done at events was now in question. She wouldn't be able to dance as well, she'd have to limit her alcohol so not to fall drunk off her leg and normally she'd never wear such a long dress.
Mingling with the crowd Arizona worked well at fundraisers this wasn't her first event, Peds was one of the easiest departments to beg funding for, even rich old people loved small sick children. Then there was the Africa programme, sick kids from Africa were always a winner, once it was clear that the donors weren't racist.
She was talking it to a donor when she heard Callie behind her, she could always hear Callie in a crowd her voice was unique, lyrical even. It stood out in a crowd made her heart race.
"Yes, my wife died in the plane crash" her ears picked up as her heart broke into a million pieces as she edged closer, to hear better, Callie hadn't just said that had she? She couldn't have just said that "The funeral was beautiful" It was as if someone had just shot her, all the air escaped her lungs, her body went numb as her brain repeated what she had heard. Callie wanted her dead, Callie wished she was dead, Callie was telling everyone who would listen she had died.
Excusing herself Arizona left the gala knowing that nobody would cut the funding from Peds and hoping Karev could carry the department. Instead of feeling devastated as expected she felt lighter.
Did the budget really matter if she was dead?
Back at Grey Sloan she found an empty supply cupboard sobbing alone, it was over, really over. Callie seemed happier tonight telling everyone she was dead than she did when they were together, working the room gathering crowds describing the funeral in detail. She had thought and planned her funeral, who did that for their wife who was still alive?
The sobs turned into laughter.
Maybe Callie was right, maybe she had died in the crash, maybe that was what God intended. Maybe these last few months hadn't been real, something was unwinding inside her becoming free. The laughter became louder, manically almost as something inside her broke. She wasn't supposed to be alive, after all who survives plane crashes anyway, let alone shootings and car crashes. It wasn't a miracle it was a mistake; she was a mistake. Everything in the last few months was a mistake! The laughter continued; it was like a pressure valve had been relieved. She was dead, everything since hadn't been real because she died already. Now there was just a shell of a woman, like a cancer, sucking the joy out of her friends and families' lives, because in reality she was gone, and like any cancer the best thing to do was to cut it out, to let the healthy tissue live, if not the cancer would only bring further darkness to everyone.
Arizona knew she couldn't live without Callie, Callie was everything but clearly Arizona was nothing, Mark had been right she was nothing. She was a lonely lesbian cripple, with no friends, no family, no hope, she couldn't even sleep through the night without Callie. She was never going to find anyone who loved her like Callie did. She had blown it she had ruined everything and now her one true love didn't want anything to do with her, wanted her dead. A bitter voice from inside her head spoke up, I bet she wouldn't want Mark dead, I bet she wishes you had died not him, she always chose him, he was her best friend, you are nothing. It wasn't the first time she had heard that voice, from her own head and the nurse's gossip. Mark wouldn't have fallen into a depression after losing his leg, Mark wouldn't have let Callie down, Mark wouldn't have broken her heart. She had managed to silence the voice, telling it Callie loved her, Callie had removed her leg to ensure she lived, until tonight, tonight Callie had told everyone she was dead, Callie had wanted her dead, Callie regretted saving her, because if she had chosen to not remove her leg, Arizona would have died, and maybe Callie would be happy, maybe Sofia would be happy, not left with a cripple whore of a mother who'd never wanted kids anyway. Callie was a fantastic mom, Sofia would be fine, no, Sofia would be better off without her.
Every time Callie looked at her it was with sadness, tears brimming in her eyes. It broke Arizona's heart to see how much pain she had caused her, how much she had destroyed the best thing that had ever happened to her. While Sofia still stared at her adoringly, Arizona knew it was only a matter of time before she did something to destroy her too. She had to protect her family from the pain she caused, it was the only thing that made sense.
Suddenly Arizona felt a sense of calm, the sadness and stresses of the last few months faded away. She knew what she had to do. She had to set Callie and Sofia free. She had to fix the mistake.
She was a good man in a storm, the storm had won, the ship had too many holes and was sinking. She'd been trying to bail it out and failed, and there was only one thing left. Captains always went down with their ships. It was time to end it or maybe it had already ended, this was just the final curtain, the plot had finished.
Getting out of the store closest Arizona had no time to cry there was lots to do. Firstly, was her resignation, will and reassigning her board shares. Karev would have control of her seat and department while he was in charge, when he left the seat went to whoever he nominated to be head of Peds so that peds always had a voice at the high-level meetings. Someone had to stand up for the children. Her shares went in trust to Sofia, Callie could manage them like she was doing for Mark's shares.
Next was goodbye letters, not that there were many to write. Since the affair only Karev and Owen had spoken to her willingly and Owen only about board matters. The list of friends they had shared had become all Callie's friends. She was alone, which wasn't a problem she was dead, dead people didn't have friends, they didn't need friends. Sofia got plenty of letters, rambling long letters for each special day in her life. Next, she went to her own office careful to avoid Leah Murphy, updating all her case files to make it easier when Karev took over full time. She left him a letter detailing the cases and her plans with each one. Next was Owen's office, she'd typed her resignation, not that it was a problem when she was dead, but it was still polite.
Feeling lighter than she had in months she went to Callie's office leaving one more letter before leaving the hospital. She was free.
Driving back to their apartment Arizona began cleaning and packing her apartment labelling them to make it easier for whoever had the job of clearing out her stuff. Being a military brat moving nearly yearly Arizona was an old hand at packing. Once everything she owned was packed into 10 boxes 7 labelled charity and 2 for Sofia, one labelled free for all, books on children's development, children's surgeries and other Peds stuff. Once everything was done Arizona sat on the sofa. Would Callie move back in, or would she sell it and move elsewhere, hopefully she'd move get somewhere with a garden for Sofia. Either was find she'd left everything in trust for Sofia, with Callie having full control, Callie would never cheat Sofia out of any money.
Arizona considered her options; she could die here but really didn't want Callie to find her. She had placed too much of a burden already on her ex-wife. Instead, she took all of her excess tablets placing them into a carrier bag. Her phone and purse went onto the table, dead people didn't need money or phones, only taking her passport, that way whoever found her could easily ID the body and let her next of kin Callie and her parents know. She really didn't want to become a missing person, she wanted Callie to have closure. Not that it really mattered when Callie knew the truth, and had already had the funeral, but it would make the legal part easier.
Getting in the car she drove trying to find somewhere nice to die, somewhere perfect to end her life. Struggling to find the place, if she did it too close to Seattle and failed, she'd be taken to Grey Sloan, and would have to face her colleagues. The more she drove the freer she felt, and the less she felt like needing to die until the car suddenly died and the petrol light that had been on switched off.
This was it; this is where she was going to die on the side of the road in the middle of nowhere. It was as good a place as any. The tablets felt heavy in her hand as she rolled them over. All her pain meds from her amputation and subsequent physio had ended up stockpiling, as she had stubbornly refused to take them, now she had hundreds of them ready to help her end her life. No more waking up every day in pain screaming, no more sleeping on the bathroom floor a mirror wedged between her legs trying to stop a leg that wasn't even attached from hurting. No more seeing the devastation in her wife's eyes every time they made eye contact, no more feeling betrayed at the broken promise her wife had made her. She'd be free.
The tablet's hit her mouth, hesitation, Sofia, would her beautiful daughter understand? Would she always wonder why? Sofia had already lost her dad; would she even remember she had 2 moms'. Or was she worse off having a traumatised mother, one who was so messed up she slept on the bathroom floor, who woke up screaming. Arizona had seen it time and time again in Peds children messed up by their parents' poor mental health. Was it not better that Sofia mourned her now, Callie was moving on she'd find Sofia a new parent? Everyone would move on. The calmness hit again silencing the doubt. Callie already thought of her a dead, she was moving on, it was time Arizona did the same. One pill was taken for failing her baby, another for her affair and hurting Callie, another for hurting Sofia, one was taken for Alex, how mean she had been after the crash, and another for Callie and how she had shut her down. One was taken for Africa, for leaving Callie at the airport, for crashing the car for hurting Callie and Sofia. For each failure in her life, she took a pill watching the sun set through the forest, it was beautiful here.
Today was a good day to die.
Too dark? let me know what you think?
