Chapter 4 Getting Ready

Bowser grinned as he stared at himself in the mirror. His teeth shone like stars, his red mane looked more glorious than it usually did. Man, it was too bad a Renaissance painter or sculptor wasn't around to capture him in the artistic form. That would really be the only way to immortalize his beauty. Selfies? Actual photographs? Pfft, talk about pathetic.

Doing finger guns at himself in the mirror, he turned back to his bed. This was when his face fell. He looked at the two outfits that he had narrowed down as suitable for this occasion (no pun intended). He picked them up, studying them and holding each one up against his skin. All the while, a very steep and unmanageable frown stayed strapped to his face. "What to wear, what to wear…"

"BOWSER!"

Bowser didn't even move as Kamek barged into his room, slamming the door open and potentially breaking it down. The old magikoopa huffed and stomped over to his king. Bowser was fully intent on ignoring him until it occurred to him that he could help.

"Oh, Kamek. Good that you're here; I need some fashion advice." He almost laughed out loud; since when was Kamek good at giving fashion advice? Well, whatever; he was the only one present to give it. "Which suit do you think would look better on me; blue and pink leopard print, or bedazzled purple blazer?"

For a second, there was silence as Kamek gawked at his king. Bowser could feel the tension in the air, and it made him worry. Right as he was just about to ask Kamek again, the magikoopa groaned and put his head in his hands.

"You ignoramus," he muttered just loud enough for Bowser to hear.

"Ignoramus?" Bowser asked while blinking. "Is that some kind of animal?" He gasped. "Ooh, is it like a cousin to the hippopotamus, 'cause those things kick ass!"

Kamek groaned again before looking at Bowser with heat in his bespectacled eyes. "Bowser, you were supposed to meet with King Bob-omb an hour ago! He's been waiting in the meeting room for you! I've tried to keep him entertained, but there's only so much one can do to keep a ticked-off bomb from going off!"

The sequence of events that led to this very moment restored themselves in Bowser's memory. "Oh." He looked at Kamek, then back down at his suits. It didn't take long before a smile returned to his face. "Well, that's still okay!" He showed Kamek the suits once again. "You can still pick the best suit for me. The opposite of the one you choose will be what I wear to the meeting with ole' Gasket Blower!"

Kamek's right eye twitched as he let out a long, drawn-out sigh and looked up at the ceiling. "I know I'm gonna regret asking this, but…" he rolled his eyes as far back in his head as they could go before looking back at Bowser. "What event, pray tell, are you choosing an outfit for?"

Bowser laughed. "Ha!" He grinned at Kamek, all while trying to keep his rowdy giggles intact. "Are you going senile, old man?"

This time, Kamek's left eye twitched. "Bowser, I know you're eight feet tall and weigh one ton, but so help me, I will bend you over the knee and spank you if you give me even ONE more snarky comment, understand?"

Bowser stared into Kamek's angry eyes, Kamek stared into Bowser's bewildered ones. The two didn't blink for what felt like five minutes, with Bowser debating what he should do about this crotchety old magikoopa. Should he roast him with his fire breath? He really wanted to roast him with his fire breath.

However, even he realized that would cause more trouble than it was worth, so he just sighed. "I thought I told you already…" he cleared his throat. "I'm preparing for my date with Rosalina."

Kamek did a double take. "Are you serious?" When Bowser nodded, Kamek's expression rose and he jumped into the air with his fist held high. "YES! You finally broke out of your Princess Peach delusion!" He giggled, sounding awfully spritely for someone of his age. "It's about time too, Your Highness; you never had ANY sort of shot with Peach!" He laughed while Bowser flashed him a thunderous glare. The longer he glared, the weaker Kamek's laughter became. Soon, it fizzled out entirely and sweat beads formed on his head. "Uh… that is why you're going after Rosalina, right?"

"No," Bowser said, his voice deep and growly. "It isn't." He glared at the increasingly fidgety advisor. "And on that note, don't be surprised if I decide to dunk you in lava later this evening, capiche?"

Kamek cringed. "Ca…piche." He wiped more sweat off his brow as Bowser turned back to his outfits. "So… why are you going on a date with Rosalina? That seems a little odd considering how she foiled your plans earlier."

"True." Bowser grinned again, completely forgetting about his anger as giddiness replaced it. "But a little luma happened to reveal something very interesting to me."

With that, he explained to Kamek what had happened when he went to see Lumaliar two days ago. The magikoopa listened with keen interest, even gasping when Bowser revealed what the space goddess's weakness was. By the time Bowser finished, he looked absolutely dumbfounded.

"By jove! That's amazing!"

"It is, isn't it!" Bowser giggled, the inside of his ribcage feeling fluttery. "I could hardly believe it when that little starry punk told me! It was like a dream come true!" This time, when he giggled, his entire body felt light an fluttery. "Just think Kamek; I go on a date with her, get her to fall madly in love with me, we lean into kiss each other, and… BAM!" Bowser clapped his hands together, causing Kamek to jump. "She's brought down to the plane of mortality! Every single last power of hers will be gone straight into the ether!" He squeed. "How could I not take advantage of an opportunity like that?"

Kamek nodded, putting his hand to his chin as he thought about this. "It would be the perfect way to get revenge…"

"Exactly! So, I will ask you again…" Bowser held the suits. "Blue and pink leopard print, or bedazzled purple blazer?"

Kamek snorted. "Uh, no. No on both fronts. The bedazzled blazer could blind someone, and the leopard print looks like underwear." Bowser glared at him again while lowering the suits. "What you need is something that'll make you look respectable." He turned toward the closet and waved his wand, causing an ordinary black tux to float out. "Wear this instead."

"That?" Bowser wrinkled his nose. "Ugh, it's just so boring! Women don't like boring guys; they fall for the fun guys!"

"Uh, no; they fall for guys that have common sense." Kamek dropped the tuxedo into Bowser's arms. "I know that's a foreign concept to you, but it really is the truth. So, wear that tux. Trust me, it's for the best; you'll thank me later."

Bowser stared at the suit, trying to wrap his head around why he ever thought asking for Kamek's advice was a good idea. Regardless, he still sighed. "Alright, alright." He threw the other two tuxes to the side and gently placed the black tux down on his bed. "I guess I can stomach looking like Boring McEveryman just this once." The smile returned to his face as he reached into his hammerspace for some cologne. "However, even though I'll essentially be wearing a floaty black trash bag doesn't mean I have to smell like one." He immediately started spritzing the cologne. He thought things were all good until Kamek started hacking away.

"Oh… oh Lord," Kamek said between coughs. "What scent is that?"

Bowser looked down at the cologne bottle. "Uh… sandalwood and… sulfur?"

Kamek shook his head. "Yeah, no. No no, a million times no." He stepped closer to the King, pinching his nose closed as he did. "You need to hop in the shower right now."

Bowser's shoulders slumped. "Aww man, I hate showers!"

"Oh believe me, I'm well aware. But also believe me when I say that it is absolutely necessary." Kamek waved his wand, procuring a large white towel. "Hop in the shower while I choose a cologne that actually smells good."

Bowser groaned. "Fiiiiiine."

When Bowser emerged from the bathroom (lamenting the fact that his glorious red mane was now ruined). Kamek showed him a different cologne. This one was called "Orion's Belt," and it… kind of smelled good? Kind of? It certainly didn't smell anything like how Orion's Belt would actually smell. But… at the very least it was thematically appropriate?

"Good, that's much better." Kamek sighed in relief once Bowser stopped applying the cologne. He then gave Bowser another look, this one containing the worst kinds of confusion. "Um… just out of curiosity, how do you plan on getting in contact with Rosalina?"

Bowser chuckled again. "Oh, that's easy; I'll just call her up!" He reached into his hammerspace and pulled out his phone. "Okay," he muttered as he started scrolling through his contact list. "Mario, Luigi, Peach, Yoshi, da da dat dat da…"

"Wait, wait," Kamek said, his eyebrow raised miles high. "You're keeping your enemies in your contact list?"

"Sure, why not? Keep your friends close and your enemies closer, am I right?"

Kamek's jaw dropped. "Unbelievable." He shook his head. "I'm surprised none of them have blocked your number."

Bowser stopped. "Honestly, I'm not even one hundred percent sure that they haven't…" he shook his head as the grin returned to his face. "Regardless, I'm still thankful that I do this. I mean, can you imagine how hard getting in contact with Rosalina would be otherwise?" He continued scrolling through his phone. When he reached the bottom of his contact list, he blinked. "Uh…" he scrolled through the list again. "Uh… um…" he scrolled at an even faster rate, feeling his heart rate pick up. "Uh… okay, we might have a problem." He looked back at his advisor. "Rosalina isn't on my contact list."

"Oh, really?" Kamek snickered. "She's a goddess who's been roaming the cosmos for the last who-knows-how long; I'd be surprised if she even knew what a phone is!"

Bowser put his phone away. His heart rate picked up even more, and he entered into a type of panic mode that he never really experienced before. "But… oh, this is so unfair! Now my entire plan is ruined!" He growled, pulling on his hair. "I swear, the whole universe seems to be against me sometimes!"

Kamek smirked. "Well, you haven't exactly been treating the universe with kindness," he muttered. He adjusted his glasses and stepped in closer. "Look, this isn't a big deal. I can teleport you to the Comet Observatory."

Bowser's racing heart skipped a beat. "Wait, you can? Why didn't you say anything before!" His joyous mood returned to him, and he managed to do a fist pump. "Oh, this is perfectly! Looks like things are finally starting to fall into place!" He put his hands on his hips and puffed out his already monstrous chest. "Nothing can bring me down now! Absolutely nothin…"

"KING BOWSER!"

Bowser's heart skipped another beat, this time for a completely different reason. He exchanged a look with Kamek before making his way out of the bedroom and into the hallway. He encountered King Bob-omb there, which caused his disappointment levels to rise.

Oh. Right; this putz. He cleared his throat, stood up to his full height, and went over to the royal explosive. "Hey, Bobby! How are things going? Give any cute girls any 'blow-up' jobs or something like that?" He laughed as King Bob-omb gave him the most disgusted look in the world. Bowser's face fell. "Uh… that joke isn't considered tasteless, is it?"

"Extremely sire," Kamek said. Bowser just now noticed that his palm was plastered to his face as he shook his head. "Extremely tasteless…"

"Yeah!" King Bob-omb bellowed. "You think you can form an alliance with me after saying that AND being an hour and a half late to our meeting!" King Bob-omb growled. "Oh, you make me so mad… I could just…!"

A sizzling sound occurred. It didn't take long for either Bowser or Kamek to realize that the sound was coming from King Bob-omb's fuse, and it made Bowser's heart feel like it was going to explode along with the King.

"BOWSER, RUN!"

Bowser scrambled to run away. Unfortunately, King Bob-omb's fuse must have been shorter than he thought, because he hadn't even taken three steps when…

BOOM!

Bowser woke up in a pile of rubble. He coughed and stood up, smelling a smoky scent surrounding him while covered by soot and debris. He felt his hair, which thankfully alerted him to the presence of a flaming strand and allowed him to put it out. He then looked around, worrying encasing him.

"Kamek? Kamek, where are you?"

Some rubble a few feet away moved, with Kamek's hand doing a 'thumbs-up' sign poking out of it. Sighing, Bowser ran over and dug his advisor out of the debris.

"Well," he said as he pulled Kamek up. The magikoopa was caked with dirt and soot, and his coughs sounded like the coughs of a smoker. "You okay, Buddy?"

"Fine, fine." Kamek hacked away before turning back to Bowser with a frown. "Why don't… why don't I send you to the Comet Observatory now? I need time to rebuild the Castle AND recover from your stupidity."

Despite the insult, Bower still smiled.