Buffy sits down on her bed and lets out a long sigh. She doesn't even know where to begin. If this were a normal day in the life of Buffy, Slayer comma the, she'd just go to sleep so she could wake up tomorrow in the happy world of denial, never to think of that vision quest again. This isn't a normal day though, she isn't sure if whatever was forcing her to face the truth during the vision quest is still affecting her, if this was just too important for keeping Dawn and the world safe, or if maybe, just maybe she was growing up but she wasn't going to go back into denial, she's going to sit to think things through, then she's going to make a decision, and stick to it. She isn't going to let anyone else weigh in on it, she isn't going to worry about what others will probably think, and she's going to do what's best for her, her sister, and the world.

It's just, she has no clue where to start. Angel, Her mind helpfully suggests. Of course, that's always where her head goes when it has the option or excuse to. This time though, she really doesn't want to because she has a feeling it'll change the way she looks at him and their relationship forever. In her head, they were always meant to be and if it weren't for the stupid universe, they'd be happy together.

Yeah, she decides to start with something a little easier, which clearly means Spike isn't the right choice either, so all that's really left is the council. Yeah, she can deal with that, the council it is. Is it true? Did the council create the first slayer? She didn't give details but she made it sound like they forced it on her, locked her up and forced the magic, demon, power, whatever into her, and then sent her off to do their dirty work. It'd make sense, it could be why it feels like they think she's their possession to do with as they want. They expect to be able to point her at an enemy and for her to just attack because they say so. And that's not even bringing up the fact that they know a slayer claiming their mate will empower them to make them the strongest they can be. It makes sense that they don't want the slayers to know that, the slayers that meet their mate will live for possibly centuries and they count on the slayers to be scared young girls so that they follow the Council's rules and do what they say. There's no reason for a grown woman to follow the rules of a bunch of old men who never fight and never help her. Is that the real purpose of the crusiamentum? Just a way for them to get rid of women who are growing too old to follow them without question? Buffy can't help but think people who would set up such a thing are just as evil as the demons they expect her to kill.

That brings her to another thing to think about, there are demons that will work with slayers so everyone can live peacefully. It's just, that Buffy never met any demons like that. Unless… unless she killed them before they had a chance. She could have been doing that from the beginning and never even knew it. Hopefully, they knew to avoid the slayers because the demons knew that slayers kill first and ask questions never. She decides that is something she's going to have to ask Spike about, if anyone knew of demons who weren't purely evil, it'd be Spike, at least since he's been chipped. Anya might be a good person to ask too.

Buffy guesses that brings her to Spike. No. Not yet, she promises herself she'll get to him, but she knows if she has any chance of actually thinking through everything she's learned today and anything she might feel for him, she has to deal with Angel first. Buffy sighs and wishes she has some alcohol, she's seen other people use it as a way to deal with tough conversations and she can use some of that right about now, something yummy though, not any of that beer or gross brown stuff she sees Giles and Spike drink. That one that looks like a sunrise might be yummy, or that one that tastes like iced tea could work too. Focus Buffy, stop distracting yourself with things that don't matter. She nods her head, her inner voice is right. She's the slayer, she's stronger than that.

So, Angel. She realized today that she's always compared Spike and Angel together but she was looking at it the wrong way and sometimes she was just flat out lying to herself. She always said that Angel can and does love her and that Spike can't because he doesn't have a soul. Buffy knows now that's a lie, Spike can and does love her, and he loves more intensely and better than she's ever seen anyone else love before. And now, she doesn't even know if Angel can love, or at least, she doesn't know if he can love well and she's almost positive he doesn't love her as much as he says he does, maybe he doesn't love her at all. And if he does, he doesn't know how to love well. He spent 100 years living in sewers, and because of that, she doubts he had much sex. Slayers aren't meant to live long lives, if he can last 100 years being celery, or whatever the word is, she doesn't doubt he could have lasted the few years she had left in the world not sleeping with her and helping her keep the hell mouth safe. But no, he chose the selfish answer, the one that was easier for him. He cares more about his redemption and being a champion than being with her.

Accepting that makes her realize she's been idolizing their relationship, putting it up on this untouchable pedestal, making it out to be more than and better than it actually was. Thinking back with open eyes, she can admit there weren't that many times when she was happy. It started with her thinking he was a little weird, but then she gave it a chance and realized he was a vampire when they kissed. Which, to be honest, should have been an eye-opener for her he has such little control that he couldn't help but go into his game face. Then he became the aggressor for the relationship and it was like as soon as she decided to be with him, he pushed her away, he didn't think he was good for her. She shakes her head, she doesn't have to go into details about it but she knows now, she wasn't as happy as she made herself out to be. In fact, when she takes the time to think about it, it reminds her of that one time she was sitting with her mom and her aunt and they were talking about their first loves. They were talking about how it seemed all-consuming and perfect at the time, and how even after it ended nothing ever felt the same. They idolized theirs too, but one thing both her mom and aunt said that stuck with her was that it wasn't until they matured and grew up that they realized how wrong that person was for them, and how that first relationship wasn't as great as they thought it was at the time, in fact, in both her mom and aunts case, it was borderline abusive. Their boyfriends weren't hitting them or anything but they were controlling, and demanding. Buffy knows the abusive thing isn't the case with Angel but everything else they were talking about that night makes a lot of sense to her now.

Except, what if Dawnie came to her today and told her she was in love with a man who even looked Angel's age? She'd beat the stuffing out of him then bring him right to the police station and press charges on him because that would be so of the illegal. And he always pushed her to agree with him and she did because he was older and knew better. The power dynamic in their relationship was definitely off. Buffy shakes her head again, she was blind to a lot back then but her eyes are open now. And because they are, it seems like all that love she thought she still holds for him is actually just the fondness you have when you think back on a friend you used to have with a touch of anger because she's seeing a lot of things more clearly now, and he did not do his best by her at all. She never loved him like she made herself think she did, she didn't know him or herself enough to love him that way.

She takes a deep breath, she hasn't felt this light since before she was called. It's like realizing that about Angel and their relationship took this huge burden off of her back and a huge weight off of her heart. She knows she can love, she just shut herself off of romantic love because the first time went so spectacularly wrong but most first loves go wrong, she was just a little extra because she was extra and her life is crazy. She's not normal so she can't expect her love life to be either. She feels something wet on her cheeks so she wipes it away, she looks in her mirror and realizes she's crying but what's even more out of the normal is she has a big smile on her face. She's not broken like she feared she was before she went on the vision quest.

"Okay," She says as she sits back down on her bed, she thinks she's finally ready to think about the Spike part of her vision quest. She can admit now that she's always felt attracted to him but it was more than that, there was a draw to him too. Is it because they were meant for each other? She knew as it was happening that the zing that she felt when they first made eye contact was real. She tried to ignore it, and she did a dang good job, but she never forgot it. And to think, all this time she was making her life harder by ignoring it. She knows she's not ready to do a bonding claim, or whatever Spike called it. But she also knows she's ready to open herself up to the chance that this is real. That she doesn't have to push away all those feelings she has when it comes to Spike.

Okay, so, the Scoobies are going to be a problem, but she's not going to let that stop her. She's a brand new Buffy and they're just going to have to accept that. She knows that once Spike dedicates himself to someone he doesn't give up easily. No, he's a long-haul type of guy and that's what Buffy always wanted. She can admit to herself now that she has a fear of abandonment, she's earned it, if she's being honest with herself. Every man that she's ever opened herself up to has left, well, other than Giles and she still thinks he's going to at some point, that might just be her fear talking though. Either way, she doesn't think she'd have to worry about that with Spike. Heck, she has a feeling there will be times that she wishes he'd leave and he won't. She surprises herself with a giggle. When was the last time she laughed like that?

She has been too lost in her thoughts and her body must have moved without her knowledge because the next thing she realizes is she's standing downstairs in the living room with Spike looking at her like she's crazy. She must still have a big smile on her face. His voice is soft and searching, almost like he's trying to calm a scared animal when he speaks, "Slayer? You alright? Thought you were going to catch some kip. Figured I'd stay up and keep watch."

She looks at him in the eye and feels that zing again, she wonders if it's always been there and she'd just been pushing it away or if it's back because she's accepted it. Before she can think better of it, she blurts "Did you feel that?"

"Feel what, luv?"

"That, that zing. I don't know how better to describe it, that shot of awareness when we made eye contact."

Buffy gets the distinct impression that he'd be blushing if he could. "Feel that every time I make contact with your pretty eyes, jus' thought it was one-sided."

"It's not." She breathes and decides that her body has the right idea, it's time to come clean and tell him everything. "Can we sit?"

He quirks an eyebrow at her because he's already sitting and she giggles again when she realizes, she wants to roll her eyes at herself for giggling like a schoolgirl but gives herself a pass because of everything she's learned today. She sits down, Spike is surprised by how close she is to him and he uses all the willpower he has not to cross that last little stretch between them and pull her into his arms. "So wazzit you wanna talk about, slayer? Do I have to worry I have a stake coming my way for some transgression I forgot about?" He tries to joke away his discomfort at how unusual this situation is.

"No. It's just, I didn't go to sleep when I went upstairs."

"I sussed that much out myself." He says with a playful smirk.

"I needed to think through what I learned before I talked about it."

"Seems fair enough. Straighten out everything you needed to?"

"Yeah, I did. I already told you earlier that I know you can love, that you do love me."

"Yeah. Still not sure I'm not dreaming." He says and finally loses the fight against himself by reaching over and grabbing her hand. He breathes a sigh of relief when she squeezes his hand once to let him know it's okay.

"I don't love Angel!" She blurts out. She's still kinda in shock about that one and wants to tell someone. She sees that Spike looks almost as shocked as she feels.

"You don't?"

"Well not as much as I thought I did, anyway. I realized a lot of our relationship wasn't what I made it out to be. He wasn't reliable as I wanted to think he was and I didn't know him nearly as well as I was trying to convince myself I did. It was a first love, the one that all teenagers go through and get over when they grow up. I guess today is the day I officially grew up."

"That's good, kitten. We all have one of those, even me, but you did better than I did, I was much older when I had my 'first love'" Spike doesn't know why he tells Buffy this, but for some reason, it feels safe for him to do so.

"I'm going to need to hear more about that, Spikey."

"Boring story, that one. How about you tell me what you wanted too then we can circle back." He says, he might be comfortable saying that much but he wasn't ready to spill the whole kit and kaboodal.

She stares at him for a while before eventually nodding. "Okay but only because it's important and it's only fair that you know. That vision quest I went on earlier? My guide was the first Slayer and she had a lot to say, well more like show, she's not really one for words. Anyway, she showed me past slayers and some of them lived hundreds of years."

"Who'd be daft enough to turn a slayer? Their sire probably didn't last long after they rose. I doubt the slayer instincts would just disappear." Spike interrupts and shivers.

"No, they weren't turned, now shush, it's story time. Okay so apparently every slayer has a destined vampire they're supposed to claim, I think it's the bonding claim that you were talking about, and when that happens their slayer and vampire mojo mix so they both get stronger, it's like they both get the best parts of each other, or at least that's what I got from it. Hence the slayers making with the immortalness."

Spike just stares at her for a few seconds, shocked. Yes the information she's giving him is shocking but what's got him the most round the bend is that she's not only trusting him with this information but she's telling him before she tells her little Scoobie friends. "And their watchers were okay with this? I heard of a few of those watchers taking out their Slayers when they were caught shagging their prey."

Buffy scrunches her nose at the way Spike describes it but nods her head, "Yeah, not only did they not try to stop it, they encouraged it. Things changed a few hundred years ago when one Slayer was like 200 and didn't like the new head watcher. She broke away from them and that's when the changes started happening."

"So how are you birds supposed to know you met the one vamp you're supposed to claim?"

Spike can't help but think she's the most beautiful being he's ever seen when a small smile along with a blush comes onto her face, he forcefully shuts William up when words like effulgent start popping in his mind. In order to make himself stop feeling William so close to the surface, he puts on his most lascivious smirk, leans in real close to her, and speaks in his huskiest voice, "Oh, what's this? Does the good little slayer have something she's embarrassed to tell the big bad?"

He deflates a little when she just rolls her eyes at him, "No, I'm going to tell you, it's just a lot." She pauses and takes a deep breath, "It's that zing we both felt, that's all the other slayers and vampires needed to know that they were meant for each other before everything with the council changed and they started working to hide the truth."

She feels like she's staring at him forever waiting for a response. Okay, not forever, that's being dramatic but definitely days, she's positive Dawn has missed school and she's going to get a call from the principal any minute to yell at Buffy for not taking good enough care of Dawn. Yup, he must be frozen, or maybe she's having a stroke? She doesn't know what a stroke feels like but she has a feeling this must be what it is because she thinks she's having one. She's surprised when she feels Spike's lips on hers. It feels right and she lets herself enjoy it as he pulls her close. There's no tongue in this kiss but somehow it feels like it's the most sensual one she's ever experienced.

She's even more surprised when the kiss ends as abruptly as it starts and Spike is at the opposite end of the couch panting and looking at her with both remorse and apology, "Sorry, luv. Might have got a little ahead of myself. Been wanting to do that for a bloody long time and was moving toward you before I even noticed. Didn't mean to make you upset or uncomfortable…"

She cuts him off because she can see he's winding himself up for a lot more and it's completely unnecessary. "It's alright, Spike, I'm fine. Yeah, it was a surprise but now that I'm being honest with myself, I can admit I wanted that for a while too. But you're right, we have some more stuff to get through." She sits up and speaks in her slayer tone, "And just because we're like destined for each other or whatever doesn't mean that it's going to happen. I know I like you and c-care about you but I'm not ready to like fall into bed with you and get vampire married or whatever."

Spike groans and has to stop himself from going back in for another kiss. He's glad he moved all the way across the couch, he needs some distance from his slayer if he's going to be able to think with his head and not his… lower head. Then something she said clicks for him and he's back across the couch with her hands in his and his eyes locked with hers. "You care about me?"

For a second, Buffy wants to cry again, he sounds so hopeful but also so disbelieving. She knows a lot of that is her fault, she did everything she could to make sure he didn't think he had a chance with her but she has a feeling it's more than that. She can tell that Drusilla never really gave him what he needed in terms of emotions, and Buffy is pretty sure it isn't even her fault, it's Angel's—Angelus'. Wow, she surprises herself by not making the distinction right away. She mentally shakes her head, he's not important right now. "Yeah, Spike, I do. I didn't admit it to myself, let alone anyone else but I have for a while."

He leans in again but stops himself, "Christ, slayer, I really wanna snog you right now."

"Is that something dirty? I just said we have to take this slow. Oh, wait, do you mean smoochies? I'm fine with more smoochies, just learn to speak English already."

"I'm bloody positive almost half the words that come out of the hot little mouth of yours aren't English." Buffy opens her mouth to respond but Spike takes that moment to lean in quickly and snog her senseless.

When Buffy starts feeling the urge to throw everything out the window and take Spike upstairs she forces herself to pull back and slow down. "Okay, okay, that was not slow. Wait, I haven't even finished saying what I have to."

"Sorry luv, you said I could kiss you. Not my fault I'm too bloody good at it and we're brilliant at it together. Got a might bit caught up is all. Now, what is it you were saying?" Now that Spike is almost positive he won't get a broken nose for it, he starts touching her more. Right now he's running his fingers through her shampoo commercial hair that kept him up at night because he couldn't stop imagining doing just this. Well, not just this, knowing how soft it was he also imagined some things involving it and his prick that before now he thought he'd get staked for if he brought it up. He relaxes when he notices she's enjoying his attention.

"Well, it's just that I know it took me way longer than it was supposed to but I finally opened my eyes up to my relationship with Angel and because of that, I'm ready to try again, like really try. I don't think I ever really let Riley in because I thought that I already found the love of my life so there was no point. I see how silly that is now. So what I'm taking way too long to say is that even though I'm not ready to like claim you tonight or whatever, if you want to, I want to give us a shot and see if we really do connect enough to tie our lives together forever."

"Buffy, I love you, course I want that. Christ, if you wanted to claim each other tonight I would. I already know you're it for me. We'll take this at your speed, just let me know what you want."

"You sure about that? Another thing I decided after my vision quest is that I'm not going to let my friends make the decisions for me anymore. I have a feeling there's about to be some problems in the near future, maybe a full-blown intervention or two and I'm almost positive that they're going to blame you somehow."

"Buffy, the day I'm scared of your bloody minions is the day it's all over for me. I've got your back no matter what luv, even if we're facing an enemy I'm terrified of. A few mad humans aren't going to stop me from being with you if you want me."

She smiles at him widely and then it turns into a frown, "Don't call them my minions, Spike."

"Why not? It's what they are, innit?"

"What? No, they're my friends, my family." She says with a huff, trying not to get annoyed.

Spike hears the annoyance in her tone and decides he doesn't want to push his point because he just got his girl to agree to give them a chance, he doesn't wanna mess it up with a fight five seconds in. So instead of responding verbally he leans in and kisses her again. He hopes to snog that annoyance right out of her and does a right fine job of it, if he does say so himself. He's not really looking forward to tomorrow and the imminent fight with the scoobies that's to come but if dealing with it lets him stay like this with Buffy, he decides it's worth it.