Chapter two, in the mess haul

"Man, I can't believe you four made the top ten! I mean it makes sense all things considered but I expected you to place higher, Emil!" Marco said with a smile, I ate a piece of my food and looked at him, "Hey don't gas me up too much, alright? If I could give the spot to you I would, its wasted on me since I could care less to join the MP's." Jean snarled, "So give it up, it should have been Marco's spot to begin with ya bastard." I looked at Jean with indifference which as usual led way for Eren to speak for me, I didn't mind. I hated arguing with people anyway. "Tch shut up horse boy! We all know they both deserved a top ten spot; the cadets have never had a class like us!" Jean and Eren were very quickly reaching across the tables grabbing each other's collars. "The kid can talk for himself, can't he?! For someone who whines about being babied by Mikasa you sure do that to him!" Eren snarled "Leave her outta this and for once just shut up, Jean boy!" Everything in the room went silent, and for the first time in long time, I was genuinely in a laughing fit in fact for some reason it was overly funny to me. I was laughing, true heartfelt genuine laughter, loud laughter to be exact. The room was uneasy and Eren was just smiling. "Oh what? Me laughing at my two idiot comrades is that shocking?" I wiped tears that were forming from me laughing too hard. "Seriously though, I don't laugh a lot so when I do it sadly has to be with you guys." I say jokingly with a small grin on my face, maybe I was just feeling sentimental it could be our last couple days together. as I adjust my chair and start eating again. "Screw you man." Jean said which of course is ignored by me, but the next thing I knew they were at the side of the table about to fight again.

Truthfully, I couldn't even focus on them fighting. I started to feel slightly sick to my stomach, not even because I was worried about me. What if I had to watch them die too? What if I had to relive that day, of watching my parents get crushed by a massive rock kicked, by a massive titan? I knew, I couldn't die, not until I killed the colossal titan, no matter who my dream impacted, I had to live to kill him. When I snapped back to reality, I heard Eren lecturing Jean, "-some fleeting sense of security then so be it, cower in the interior while you remember where we stand used to be a part of it once! There is no freedom in being cattle!" Eren shouted passionately, I could see tears forming in his eyes and he ran off. He was right, those who aren't free are nothing but cattle. Eren surely knew that outside the walls, freedom had to be waiting. Without a second thought me Mikasa and Armin ran after him, I had to be there for all of them, like they are for me.

Flashback to three years ago

I stared down at my food, we had just finished our first day with the ODM gear balance analysis, it was rather easy though Eren struggled, and I think that's what they were talking about. All I could think about though, was that today had marked the official two year anniversary since that day. Would I ever be able to scrub that memory from my head? My mother's torn-off hand locked onto my wrist. Their bodies were crushed and my last sight of them was their legs. How strong do I need to be, how free of these feelings must I get before my only focus is killing that damn titan? My hand began shaking, and a single tear fell from my eyes onto my bread. "Huh, hey." She paused, "Emil what's wrong?" Mikasa whispered trying not to signal everyone to look over, for some reason, it all felt like too much. I wasn't scared to die, or to fight titans but I was scared of what I needed to become to avenge my family. I kept having these recurring dreams about using these big claws to rip the titans apart. I knew I didn't want to cry about them anymore, sure maybe I knew it would hurt to think about them, but I knew in that moment I was willing to do anything to make sure I got my revenge. "Yeah, sorry Mikasa." I whispered, looking at her with a weak smile.

Present

"That was quite the speech there, Eren." Armin said, speaking first as us three arrived at his location after he ran out. "You might have even moved some hearts." I said dryly, half joking since I didn't even get to notice other people's reactions in the room. "We're all really going to be scouts huh? We all are going to have to look out for one another." I nodded, "I'll do everything I can to make sure you guys stay alive. I swear." I said with a serious expression causing a look of surprise on Armin's face which turned into a nervous smile. "Yeah, even if I don't embody what a soldier is, I am going to do everything I can to be not be a burden out there." I frowned a bit, "You should be more confident in yourself Armin, I really do not want you to get yourself killed." Mikasa responded with a quick and subtle elbow to my stomach causing a wince. 'I deserved that, but I didn't mean for it to sound mean…' I thought to myself but put my arms around all three Mikasa, Eren and Armin. "You guys and the cadet core are the only family I have left. I know its selfish, but no matter what happens, I have to do my best to make sure none of you, die." I closed my eyes as we all allowed the embrace of each other before pulling away. "The others in the cadet core, does that include ol mean girl Annie?" Armin asked with a devious grin causing a caught and an eyebrow twitch out of me. "Theres seriously no way you all still remember that are you kidding me?! I just wanted to get even better at fighting its not like I w-wanted to be her sparring partner!" I blushed and scowled.

Flashback, 1 year ago

I stared directly across from me, she had intense blue eyes, a pale complexion, and the stare of a devil. Yet, unlike everyone else, I was just interested in her. She only seemed to have fun while fighting, but she always knocked and mocked the training. Like she couldn't be bothered, but I just knew there had to be something that wasn't so shallow. "That trick, you used on Eren that had his legs over his head, did, someone teach that to you?" I asked calmly, looking down slightly to catch her gaze in which she matched back. "My father taught me, not that it really matters thought. Only fools really try this hard in training that doesn't matter." Annie said coldly causing a small grin out of me. "So those who find it fun, are they fools too?" I asked teasing, I never met someone so bleak who looked so fired up when it came to a fight. Even if they made it look easy, someone so small moving with such ferociousness and precision in their attack, she definitely enjoyed it, no way I misread that. Annie paused for a moment, and looked to be thinking, and the wind moved strands of hair away from her sea blue eyes. "Do you find it fun?" I raised my brow, "Find- hey!" before I could finish speaking, she had closed the gap on me, and I tried raising the wooden knife above my head, but she hooked her left around my right one which was leading my two legs. The next thing I knew I was falling but Annie never got to unhook her leg from mine, so we were falling together. I can't explain why it felt like it was taking forever, I even watched her manage to unarm me in the process of us falling. With a pretty loud thud, Annie sat on top of me with the wooden knife placed against my throat and a tiny, almost invisible grin on her face. "Fools are fools. If you were ordered to die, would you?" Annie asked, her grin fading and her stare becoming serious. I knew I couldn't answer honestly too loud with commandant Shadis likely listening nearby. "I can't die, not for anyone. Not until I see him again and handle it." I said as my eyebrows furrowed, for a moment Annie seemed shocked, not that Emil knew, but maybe it was because out of context it sounded like her goal to get back home. However, with that distraction, I rolled Annie over allowing us to swap positions and had the wooden blade back in my hand placed against her collarbone. "Clearly fools win though," I said with a grin, and her cheeks got ever so rosy as she kicked me off. For the first time, someone won a round over Annie. "Don't die for something that doesn't matter. You have to live." Annie said coldly causing an eyebrow raise from him that turned into a sigh. "Hey Emil, you might be the first guy to ever throw around Annie like that, that just your thing or something?" Reiner asked with a mischievous, standing directly behind me. "W-what?! Hey, you big loaf just because she knocks you on your ass doesn't mean you get to start rumors!" I said getting all red, deep down I missed the innocence of conversations like this though. I knew too well this world would never be the same again, and I never will get to have a normal childhood.

Flashback end

"Reiner and his loudmouth, jeez those accusations lasted the whole year too. When did I ever say I liked girls with blonde hair and blue eyes anyway?!" I said pulling down my eyelid and sticking out my tongue at Armin, getting a laugh from the three. "Jokes aside I think she liked fighting you, you might even enjoy fighting more than Eren." Armin said as us four walked together, "Were, were you always that way, Emil? Eren was." Mikasa said softly, "No, I was rather timid as a child. I liked to read and paint especially at home in my free time. I don't think I know when everything changed, by the time I joined the cadet core I already felt as I do now, that the only way to win is to fight, but before the idea of fighting anyone terrified me. Guess that's just the cause of broken walls and dead family members." I said softly as my head pulsated twice with pain and my heart began to ache. Eren put his arm and my shoulder and with a powerful grin stated, "We're gonna slaughter all the titans, Emil! Every, last, one!" I couldn't help but smile a little, it wasn't my goal sure, but nothing was gonna stop me and Eren from slaughtering anything that got in our way.

The next day started pretty normal; it was a day before we finally got to decide our regiment though we wouldn't get to fully join it for another couple weeks. I wasn't too sure about the specifics of it, but they were having us head to Trost pretty early in the morning, we were to run some exercises with the garrison regiment. I was cleaning my ODM gear with Marko and we talked about the nervous excitement that came with the potential of joining the scouts. "Honestly Marko… is it wrong that all I think about is killing that big piece of shit? The colossal titan, I want to kill him so bad it makes my skin pulse and burn, it makes my head thump and my heart ache. When I think about the revenge I want for my family, I feel… Unwell." I said hanging my head, "I can't blame you for feeling that way Emil, and neither can anyone else." I looked up at Marko as he spoke, "Yeah sure, you and some others come from Shiganshina, but no one saw what you saw, lived the life you did up until that moment. I can't imagine the type of rage you must feel when you think about that thing. But, if these three years taught me anything is that no one's will is as strong as yours. I mean c'mon you were a low-scorer in ODM gear our first year almost," I got flustered slightly at the memory and looked away, "but that will of yours man! Your unique use of the ODM gear is unreal! Not only are you up there with Jean, but how you manage to use the flat ground to your advantage is unreal, and its gonna save so many of us!" Marko said with a big smile, my heart ached, but it was different this time, I couldn't let what happened to my parents, happen to my friends. "104th cadet core!" A man with garrison regiment gear rammed through the door, "There are orders to head to the gate in Trost now! We are about to have a repeat of five years ago! Get your gear, squad information, and go, now!" My eyes widened but I did not shake, or feel any fear, I felt relieved, "That big bastard, he'll be there… won't he?" I asked myself with rage.