2 years ago…
We transition into an apartment where we a handsome young man with dark hair arguing with a delivery boy currently standing at his door. "Look, would it help if I slow it down for you? I didn't order the pizza."
"Is this 934 TXS Avenue?" the delivery boy asked. "Are you Ellis Crane?
"Yeah, the Ellis Crane who didn't order the fucking pie!" he said, rather agitated
"Then, who placed the call?" the delivery boy asked, confused. Ellis looks at him in aggravation before a voice calls out from the other room.
"I did." A toilet is heard flushing as we see Deadpool emerge in his street clothes, his face unscarred, wiping his hands on a towel. "Pineapple and olive?" The delivery boy nods as he approaches Deadpool. "Sweet and salty."
"Who the fuck are you?" Ellis asked, before realizing Deadpool is invading his personal space. "What the fuck are you doing in my crib..." Deadpool aims a gun at Ellis's face, immediately shutting him up.
"Is it burnt crust?" Deadpool asked the delivery boy.
"I... God, I hope not," the delivery boy said, worried due to the presence of a gun in the situation, which leads him to check the pizza to make sure it's alright.
Ellis, scared for his life, begins stammering, regaining Deadpool's attention. "Whoa... Man, look, if this is about that poker game. I told Hurley, I told him that..." Fearing for his life, Ellis digs into his pocket and pulls out his wallet. "Okay, uh, look, just take whatever you want." He proceeds to hand Deadpool his wallet.
"Thanks," Deadpool said, before pocketing the wallet.
"Sir, before you do anything to him, do you mind if I get a big tip?" the delivery boy asked.
The man chuckles slightly, checking the delivery boy's name tag just to make sure he gets his name right. "Uh, Alan, is it?" Alan nods. "Archer. Sterling Archer," Deadpool said, introducing himself too Alan as they bump fists. "That is a no go on the tiperoo, Alan." Alan doesn't like where this is going. "I'm not here for him." He proceeds to pull a gold card with a bonsai tree on the front out of his pocket. Underneath the treat reads, 'Alan Shapiro'. "I'm here for you." He points the gun at Alan, prompting a gulp out of the frightened delivery man.
Ellis chuckles in relief, knowing that his life is no longer in jeopardy. "Okay, wow, I dodged a big-time bullet on that one." Archer hits Ellis in the face with the gun's barrel, causing him to groan in pain as he holds his forehead.
"Not out of the woods yet," Archer said, clearly agitated. "You need to seriously ease up on the bedazzling. They're jeans, not a chandelier. P.S. I'm keeping your wallet. You did kinda give it to me."
Ellis looks back up to face Archer, a mark now present on his forehead. "Okay, at least can I have my Sam's card..." Archer lifts the gun towards Ellis's forehead, perturbed.
"I will shoot your fucking cat!" Ellis, fearful, sits down atop a footrest before immediately becoming confused by Archer's statement.
"What? I don't have a cat."
"Then whose kitty litter did I just shit in?" he asked. Ellis looks further confused as Archer glances around. He then holsters his gun and takes out a knife. "Anyhoo, tell me something: 'What situation isn't improved by pizza?'" He opens the pizza box, the knife position right at Alan's neck, and proceeds to take a slice. "Do you happen to know a Veronica De-Anne? Am I saying it right? De-Ane?" Duncan fumbles a bit in regards to Veronica's last name. "I don't know, there's an 'E' at the end. But you know I'm talking about, right?" Alan hesitantly nods. "Good." He closes the pizza box and takes a bite out of his pizza slice. "Because she knows you."
"Alan, I belong to a group of guys who take a dime to beat a fella down." He holds the pizza slice out to Ellis, who reaches for it, only for Archer to drop it on the ground, much to Ellis's disappointment. "And little Veronica, she's not made of money, but lucky for her... I got a soft spot."
"But I'm a..." Alan began to speak before Archer cut him off.
"A stalker," Archer said. Alan looks beyond terrified. "Threats hurt, Alan. Though not nearly as badly as serrated steel." Archer holds the knife in front of Alan's face. "So keep away from Veronica. Cool?"
"Yes, yes, sir," Alan said, practically on the verge of breaking down.
"Then we're done," Archer said as he holsters his knife.
"Wait," Alan said, chuckling slowly at how quickly the situation deescalated so fast. "We are?"
"Yeah. We're totally done." Archer bursts out into laughter at everyone's reactions to the situation. "You should've seen your face," Archer said, pointing at Ellis.
"I didn't know what to do. I was so scared," Ellis replied, smirking at this strange scenario.
"I have a soft spot, remember?" Archer said to Alan before suddenly throwing the pizza box out of his hands and pinning him against the wall by the throat. "You even look in her general direction again and you will learn in the worst of ways that I have some hard spots too," he says, threateningly before contemplating what he said. "That came out wrong." He then silently whispers to a whimpering Alan. "Or did it?"
Now, Archer walks through a crowded skate park at night, as indistinct chatter fills the air. He holds the pizza box and wears a jacket with Chanel trim. He approaches three 20-something girls, eyeing each of them before landing on the one in the middle.
"Mmm... Veronica?" Veronica looks up at him, along with the rest of the group. He drops the box and a photo of Alan with a gun to his head, holding up a sign which reads, 'I'm Sorry!' "You've heard the last of Alan. He's sorry."
"No friggin' way," Veronica said in disbelief. While she bends down to look at the pictures, Archer whips off his sunglasses
"Should've brought my roller blades. Show these kids how it's done." Veronica gives Archer a hug as a 'Thank you' for getting Alan off her back. "Oh. And that's why we do it. But mostly the money."
"Hey, think you could fuck up my stepdad?" one of Veronica's friends asked Archer.
"I give a guy a pavement facial, it's because he's earned it," Archer said, as he proceeded to walk away.
"Hey, wait!" Veronica called out to him. Archer glances back as he continues walking. "You're my hero!"
"No-no-no-no. That I ain't!" He retorts. Archer exits the skate park and goes off to an unknown location.
