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Howdy. Another story I have been chipping away at for a couple of years. The first section of the chapter might look familiar. I had published it as a stand alone back in June because I never thought this story would see the light of day but oopsie, some daylight for you little story.

There is a lot of angst going on for our dear Jay in this story. Mostly angsty whump in this chapter, whumpy whump next chapter.

I Hope you like it.

X

Jay is 34 and the story takes place in 2021. Voight is out of character as always in my stories. He's not a murdering asshole, just an occasional plain ol' asshole.

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June 27th It started with Andrew - his birthday.

Jay was 16 when he decided he wanted to be an Army Ranger. No, that wasn't true. Jay was 16 when he decided he would go to war. He was 17 when he decided, after some research, he would go to war as an Army Ranger.

When Jay was ten his best friend moved away to Boston. They had been friends since preschool. Andrew was an only child and Jay had Will and Will had everyone, which boiled down to Andrew and Jay having each other. But that was fine. Will was a good big brother, but Andrew was his best friend. They did everything together, they even got beat up on the way home from school together.

Jay was devastated when Andrew moved away. His whole world seemed to end and he was alone. His mom and dad worked and Will was Will, doing Will stuff that didn't include Jay, but he was still a good big brother. He just wasn't Andrew.

They talked a lot on the phone at first, Andrew thought the people in Boston talked weird, Jay agreed. There were 26 letters in the alphabet, but the citizens of Boston were missing the 'R.' They did talk weird.

Andrew wasn't getting beat up at school. He was actually popular because he had an 'R' in his alphabet. They thought he talked cool. They treated him like he was from another country, like France or Germany. Andrew moved away and became cool. Jay was happy about that. Andrew was his best friend, he always thought Andrew was cool.

On September 11th 2003, his school had an assembly and they read all of the names of the people that had died in the attacks. Jay made it a point to listen to every name. A lot of kids talked or read or were just plain bored, but Jay listened to every name. It was the least he could do.

With the help of his mom, he had practiced his group of names the night before so he would know how to say difficult names correctly. He looked at their pictures so at least for himself there would be a face to the name. He didn't want the people to be just words.

So he said their names, perfectly and slowly, giving each it's due, then returned to his seat. He listened as everyone read their names until Cami Cole read hers. Her fifth name was Marcia Jostad. Her sixth name was Andrew Jostad. Jay didn't hear any other names after that.

He didn't think it was possible…but the timing was right, he guessed. He and Andrew had spoke less and less as time went on, every other month or so.

Their last phone call, was on Andrew's 14th birthday, June 27th, 2001. One of the last things he said to Andrew was yes, he was still getting his ass kicked but it was so much more fun when he had been with him. They laughed hard at that, they laughed a lot on their calls. He wished Andrew happy birthday again and that is the last thing he ever said to his best friend.

They lost contact after that. The next time Jay called, Andrew's phone was disconnected and he didn't really know how to get in touch with him. The few emails he sent were never answered. It made him sad, but a part of him thought at some point they would reconnect. Or at least he thinks he thought that. After awhile life just kind of went on.

All the way home from school he held onto the hope that it was a different Marcia and Andrew Jostad, after all they lived in Boston. When he got home he went to his room, locked the door and did some digging and found out that it was his Andrew and Andrew's mom.

No one had told him but maybe no one knew. It was the kind of thing his mom might keep from him to protect him, but he knew that wasn't the case because his mom had asked about Andrew just a few weeks ago. A whole family was wiped off the face of the earth, his best friend, and he didn't know.

When he went back to school the following Monday he was once again bullied on the way home from school. It was the last time he was ever bullied because even though he got beat up, the other three were in much worse condition.

He stayed in his room that night and nursed his wounds and cried for his friend and the unfairness of it all.

Later that night he made a decision to go to war. Jay fought back for himself that day, come his 18th birthday, he would join the army and fight for Andrew.

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June 30 - Then it was Kerry.

He was different then, when he enlisted. Hopeful, he had a purpose…and he was away from his Dad. The downside of being away from his dad also meant being away from his mom, but she had encouraged him to go. She had reminded him that his noble reason for wanting to join the army, Andrew, had become more, it had become his dream. The chemo was doing its job so he needed to go for it.

When it came to her cancer, he didn't know the half of it. Hell even a quarter of it. She was diagnosed terminal before he even left and didn't tell him. All Jay knew was that the chemo was working. Even the doctor said so when he went with his mom to her treatments. Now he wondered if that was even true or if his mom asked the doctor to say that knowing Jay wouldn't have left if he had known the prognosis. His mom would do something like that. That was who she was to the core.

X

Jay, Mouse and Kerry had been thick as thieves in boot camp and somehow became known as the Three Stooges in Ranger training. Jay, always so serious, was Moe and happy to be the straight man to their antics, it fit him well. When Ranger training was over the Three Stooges were broken up. Kerry ended up Africa. Mouse and Jay ended up in hell.

X

Two of the Stooges were serving together again, had been since Mouse returned to the sandbox. Kerry and Mouse were living and breathing their continued dream. Somewhere along the line all those years ago, Jay's dream changed, one could say it became a nightmare, so he had taken the medical discharge and never had a thought of going back.

X

He talked to Mouse yesterday. Kerry was dead. Another convoy, another IED. Mouse was injured but not seriously and had missed the funeral because he was in the hospital. Jay missed the funeral because he was three miles away and didn't know.

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The 4th of July

Somewhere along the way the 4th had become the 1st, 2nd, 3rd and 4th of July. One night wasn't enough to celebrate freedom, not when there were so many illegal fireworks to be had.

Jay had been doing better with the holiday in recent years. He no longer ended up in a corner bawling, screaming for Mouse and begging him to be alive, but Kerry dying and how he died, unlocked the box he kept those memories in. Now the pain of them had free rein on his psyche again. So those first days of July had taken him to another level of the hell he was already in.

If he got even a couple of hours of uninterrupted sleep a night, he was lucky. At least he didn't end up cowering in a corner. But laying in sweat soaked sheets, reliving that night over and over again wasn't as much progress as he would like to believe.

Jay was quieter at work. People noticed. Hailey hovered - wanted to do their thing but he couldn't do it. After being in the bullpen or all day out on the streets, he just needed quiet…empty space…nothing that would make him startle or flinch…he needed to be alone with his nightmarish memories.

Voight hovered too, but in a more brutal way. He lost his patience with Jay on July 5th, thought his detective was hung over and was having none of it. Adding to that, was the case. It was terrible and all of them were on edge, especially Voight, and since Voight was already pissed at him, Jay was his verbal punching bag.

When someone would say something to him in support, Hailey, Ruz, any of them, after one of Voight's tirades, he just shrugged it off, pretended it was okay. He told himself he had plenty of practice, living under the roof of one Patrick Halstead for 18 years, no big deal.

Next came IA.

In the middle of the shit case, they raided a house. Kevin and Adam chased one of the runners while Jay and Hailey chased the other.

Their asshole went for a young girl and when he pushed her, Jay was able to stop her from falling over a wall and onto the lower deck of the park. After she was safe with Hailey, he went after the perp again and caught him in a flying tackle. Unfortunately the flying tackle sent them both down a flight of concrete steps that led to the lower half of a park.

Jay ended up with a black eye, split lip, a body full of bruises and maybe, maybe a slight concussion. The asshole broke his finger. To top off that little fiasco, the guy wasn't part of the ring they were trying to bust, but a college kid trying to make a score…a rich college kid with litigious parents wearing blinders where their 'perfect' son was concerned.

Eight hours later, Jay found himself being sued along with the city of a Chicago and the CPD. The Mayor and the city Council, being the morally bankrupt hacks that they were, tried to throw him under the bus, hence IA. They pretty much raked Jay's tired, banged up body over the coals.

IA was brutal. It was obvious he did nothing wrong but someone needed to pay, so why not Detective Jay Halstead. That was until the newspapers got wind of it and footage was found of the chase and flying tackle.

Appalled he was being sued, the mother of the girl he saved got litigious right back at the rich little fuck and his parents. Doesn't hurt to accidentally save the grandniece of the Governor.

That ended the investigation. Needless to say, even with all the support from the Unit, and being cleared a few days after the fiasco started, it was a pretty stressful week.

Then…

Hank was on Jay's ass again. He had helped his detective through the IA stuff, was supportive, and had his back 100%. But afterwards unbeknownst to Jay, the Ivory Tower saw an opportunity and just like that, Intelligence was on their radar again.

Hank never blamed him, at least out loud, but the stress of the brass riding his ass, had him riding Jay's ass again. It was a little harder to let it roll off his shoulders this time. Voight kept hitting a nerve, threatening to kick Jay out of the Unit with his 'my way or the highway' tactics.

It cut a little too close to the barely scabbed over wounds from Jay's dad -the ones where he threatened to kick his kid out of the house if he didn't toe his line.

His dad did kick him out once, for four days. His mom came back from his aunt's and found out he had been living 'god knows where!' for four days. After that it was threats with no follow through.

So Hank was cutting a little too close there and Jay snapped back a couple of times. Nothing major. Not even close to insubordination but, like his dad, Voight had his own line for his subordinates to toe and and in his opinion, Jay wasn't on it. The second time Jay mouthed back, Voight sent him home. He was fine with it. Maybe he could get some sleep in in the daytime since the nighttime was filled with bombs and blood.

Didn't happen though. What did happen, was a case, and they couldn't get a hold of Jay. He had knocked out pretty much the second his ass hit the couch. Hadn't even taken off his jacket, didn't hear his phone. He woke with Hailey standing by the couch calling my name. She caught him, thank god, before 'dead to the world' turned into nightmares and lashing out.

He got in his sleepy, 'what's up?' before she got in her, 'are you okay?' and that was the end of any conversation she wanted to have before it could even start.

The case was another wild one. Three long days running into long nights of nightmares and night terrors. They solved the case. Voight watching him like a hawk, ready to pounce at any moment. Jay wasn't quite sure what the deal was with this dynamic between the two of them. Was it always like this? Or was he just too sensitive because he was so damn tired?

X

This time of year had always been hard. In the past July had been, for the most part, a month of quiet sorrow and secret nightmares. But Kerry dying put everything on blast.

So it had been a shit couple of weeks. Jay knew he looked like shit, not counting the black eye he was still sporting and the remnants of the split lip, he had dark circles under his eyes and had lost weight, barely able to eat from the stress. No one said anything, even though he was sure they'd noticed. They probably chalked it up to Voight being an asshole.

After another shit day, Jay had reached his limit, he just didn't think he could go home and isolate again. He was going to suggest going to Molly's but Adam beat him to it. He was grateful he'd get a temporary reprieve from the dark cloud that he just couldn't shake and listening to his teammates antics would do the trick.

As they all grabbed their stuff Adam made a joke not joke, "You're grounded for being an ass, you don't get to come."

Even Kevin, the most chill and forgiving person he knew had had enough,

"Debbie downer man…" If that wasn't proof he'd been an ass, he didn't know what was.

Adam and Kev said it like they were joking, but they weren't. Kim was in the bullpen and didn't joined in on the 'joke,' but also didn't put them in their place. Evidence she felt the same. So much for the drink.

Jay knew he'd been an ass today, just confirmed, even more so than the other days, extra snippy when he wasn't withdrawn. He saw their point, he really did. He didn't want to hang out with himself either. That's why he wanted to hang out with them.

Jay had tried not to be a dick, tried to keep everything locked away but even in those moments when he wasn't aware, or was able to block out what today was, it was there. The box cracked with memories of Andrew and blew itself open with Kerry and he'd felt trapped in that humvee for two weeks.

Today was the anniversary of the convoy…the day Mouse and Jay almost died and the rest of their unit did. He got no sleep last night. He relived the day over and over, whether his eyes were open or shut. He just couldn't shut it off.

X

The eggs had actually tasted good and they couldn't figure out why and then no one would eat them because mess shouldn't have good eggs, had never had good eggs, so something hinky happened. They laughed about their stupidity as they headed out. They finally had something good to eat and they didn't eat it 'cause it was good and that should've been impossible.

He went over tac plans with his second in command, then the unit. They executed the plan with precision and it went off without a hitch. The kept their success to themselves since they weren't back at base yet. Then the IED happened, everyone was dead and Mouse and Jay were hurt.

Hoofing the last five miles back to base camp with Mouse over his shoulder, Jay didn't realize until they were safe and he'd passed Mouse off to the medics that he was hurt. He didn't know the sweat dripping down his back was actually blood from a head wound, didn't know his shoulder was separated, didn't know he was a walking bruise covered with shrapnel wounds…

…he didn't know any of it, and then Mouse left his shoulder and the last of the adrenaline left his body. He stood for one second, maybe two before he realized he didn't know if Mouse was dead or a live.

An invisible Mack truck of pain hit him then, not all physical, and sent him to the ground. For four days he sat in physical pain dulled by the emotional of not knowing if Mouse was alive. In his condition he couldn't ask and no one knew to tell him…

…but then on day three Moused limped into his room and on day four Jay finally believed his best friend was real and not a figment of his hopeful imagination.

X

He thought about everything, felt the anguish of not knowing if Mouse was alive and knowing everyone else was dead. All night his heart and mind twisted. No sleep, all day no relief.

If Hailey had been there all day, she would have noticed and she would have either set him straight or set them straight, but she wasn't there. She was in court so she only got to witness his assholery for an hour before she sighed and went to the courthouse early because, 'he was driving her nuts and wouldn't tell her what was going on.'

Jay probably should have said it was just a hard day for him but he thought he could power through, he always did before, but with everything else going on, that wasn't going to happen this time.

He didn't say anything. Just let them go, was glad he didn't say anything about Molly's first since they obviously didn't want to hang with him. Jay didn't blame them. So he watched them leave and hung at his desk lost in his thoughts, lost in that day.

It had been gruesome in so many ways. Even now he could feel it, the cold of the blood seeping through the camo on his legs. He put his hand on his thigh and watched it sink through the memory to the puzzle that to this day, still bothered him - he never found out who's severed arm was in his lap when he came to.

He knew it wasn't his or Mouse's but he didn't know which of his unit it belonged to. In the here and now he squeezed his thigh in a brutal grip. The vision of the arm was gone but the weight of it lingered. Maybe always lingered.

Jay stood up and just like that day, the arm fell to the ground. He almost felt the phantom of it landing at his feet under his desk. Standing did the trick, the weight was gone.

He moved to the break room, he needed coffee…or maybe he just needed to get away from his desk. He knew it wasn't there, the arm, that it was just a memory but he lingered in the break room just the same. He brewed a fresh pot of coffee and watched it drip into the carafe until the black coffee turned crimson. Wincing, he moved to the window, the toes of his boots touching the baseboards. Nothing out there to remind him of the desert, paved roads, stop lights and horns…no smoke rising from a destroyed humvee, no blood stained sand.

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The next day

Trudy had had enough of missing forms from her detectives and uni's alike. The Ivory Tower was riding her hard, so she took it out on the first person she saw, Halstead. She couldn't have picked a worse candidate for her quiet wrath.

"Hey Sarge."

He set a scone from her favorite bakery on her desk, hoping doing something nice for someone, for Trudy, would make him feel better, would take the sting out of the upcoming days.

The pleasantly grumpy face she usually wore didn't appear, "Do I have to do your job for you Halstead? You forget how to do paperwork? You're a big boy. You did graduate from the academy right? You should know this so quit making me look bad and do your damn job!"

His hand stuttered as he pushed the scone forward. Her set down was all delivered quietly but the blatant disappointment in her tone and the putrid color of it painting her face cut like a knife.

Trying to school his face, he hadn't realized until right then how much her opinion of him mattered, her scolding hurt more than he thought it should.

He was already an emotional mess this month, with the worst yet to come, so after standing there like a fool for God knows how long, he finally turned and walked up the stairs. He took a quick glance back thinking maybe, in his already fucked up emotional state, he had misread her expression but it was still there.

He looked away quickly not wanting to give away how bad he felt, but he did give it away and buzzed himself through the gate feeling like an idiot.

Trudy looked after Jay as he walked up the steps. For whatever reason, what she said to her detective had stung him more than she meant it to but yet she didn't stop and he just took it, not arguing back like he normally would have. His face fell and his shoulders slouch with every word out of her mouth. She had wrapped up her tongue lashing with a sigh and ended the 'conversation' by going back to her paperwork.

She could see as she looked at him through her lashes that he was still there, that he hadn't skulked away with his tail between his legs. She thought, 'good, he's going to argue back' and the thought of it eased a bit of her guilt…

…but then he didn't fight back.

She only had a visual on his chest since she didn't want to give away that she was looking at him, but that was enough. She saw his breath hitch and then slowly take a step back out of her line of stealthy sight.

Only when he move to the steps did she look up, mad that he didn't fight back and ease her conscience. When he looked back before going through the gate, if anything the sadness on his face increased before he looked away and walked up the steps.

That also increasing her guilt, because Halstead never walked up the steps when he ascended them alone. He jogged up them, took them two at a time, but not now, she knocked the life right out of him.

X

He thought of his mom as he trudged up the steps. She had yelled at him sure, got mad, grounded him but there was nothing worse, no punishment she could have ever dreamed up that would be worse than seeing the disappointment on her face. Two times in his life he had seen it and both times he didn't think he would recover from it, he didn't know how to fix it. The last thing he ever, ever wanted to do was disappoint his mom.

And now suddenly without his permission an entity had entered his life and he was once again wounded, cut to the core by seeing the disappointment on someone's face. That someone being Sergeant Trudy Platt and as surprised as he was to see disappointment on her face, he was more surprised by his extreme reaction to it. He physically hurt.

When he entered to the bullpen he went straight to his desk and got to work on nothing except looking busy. Letting the teasing from Kevin and Adam about being the teacher's pet and getting sent to the corner, roll off his back and straight to his heart.

Using all the skills he tapped into for an undercover, he ignored them for the most part while they poked the wound that was already festering with his own spinning on the matter, until he couldn't take it anymore. He looked at them with a grin and stated he was going for coffee and asked if they wanted anything.

It was an hour later when he realized his little escape from the bullpen did nothing. He was in the same emotional turmoil, if not more, and now he had caffeine to keep him alert for it.

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Two days later. It was the anniversary of his mom's death. Later he would be hanging out with Will but until then Jay hid in his work, tried to keep himself busy, but thoughts of his mom still crept in. Anytime he looked at his watch, it would take him back to that day 15 years ago and what was happening at the time:

7:18 am - 15 years ago, he was using the bathroom in her room, so afraid she would die while he was taking a piss.

10:32 am - they upped her morphine and the nurse, the nicest one, put her hand on his shoulder and told him to talk to her. His mom couldn't communicate but she could hear him, it could be anytime…So he spent the day reminding her of what great of a mom she was and reliving memories with her, assuring her that her boys would be okay and that he hoped he made her proud and he would always try to make her proud.

His one sided conversation with his mom ended at 2:00pm. She was still in her morphine induced dream world and Jay was talked out, now he needed quiet. He needed to just be with her. So he lifted her hand and kissed the back of it, then held it against his face while he stroked her hair with the other. For 17 minutes he stroked her hair until the same kind nurse came in and told him she was gone.

Eyes swiveling to the heart monitor, he saw flat line but heard no blaring alarm. He forgot they had turned it off days ago. 2:17pm. 15 years ago, his mom died.

X

So at 2:00 pm he had started staring at his phone, paperwork littering his desk, pen in hand, a ruse for whoever might be watching. Jay did nothing but watch those 17 minutes tick silently by.

He could feel the sensation of peach fuzz on the palm of his hand as he stroked his mom's new hair. He could feel her cold bony hand like he was holding it today and not 15 years ago.

Then it was 2:18 and he didn't know what to do with himself. So he went into the restroom, locked the door and sat on the floor with his phone and continued to watch the time.

2:27 pm - 15 years ago Jay was standing in the corner of his mom's room, calling Will to let him know their mom died. When Will didn't pick up, he left him a message to call.

2:29 pm - he sent him a text with the same request.

2:35 pm - 15 years before, when the kind nurse came in, he asked if she could please call his dad and let him know. She looked confused by the request.

"He won't pick up if he sees my number."

X

Jay sat in the bathroom until someone knocked at 3:05 pm, the same time 15 years ago he was leaving his third message for his brother. He was sure if Will listened to them he knew what had happened even though Jay didn't say it in the messages. The first one he was pretty together, the last two he was a sobbing mess.

Will had returned his calls the next afternoon. The call lasted one minute, eight seconds.

X

No one was outside the door when Jay left the bathroom. He went straight to the break room for coffee instead of sitting at his desk. Someone, bless them, had made a fresh pot. He poured a cup with shaky hands, he wasn't over caffeinated or under caffeinated, he was just a mess, hence shaking hands.

Jay knew he wouldn't feel like such a basket case right now if he wasn't exhausted. He was so overtired, every little paper cut of emotion felt like an amputation and if shit didn't settle down soon, he was going to put his head through a wall and knock his own ass out so he could get some sleep and get out of his goddamn head.

X

Keeping busy with paperwork wasn't working for shit. What he really wanted to do was leave early and hang out at med with Will until he was done with work, then they could go straight to Molly's from there and watch the game as planned, but since Voight hated him right now, he was sure his boss wouldn't let him cut out early.

Jay was 99% sure Will had no clue it was the anniversary of their mom's death, and even though he was pissed about it, he let it be. Normally he would have called him on it, but he was too tired, too hurt, too… he just wanted…needed to be with his brother and telling him the importance of the day would have ended in a fight and then Will would, without a doubt, ditch him.

So he let it ride. He would keep his thoughts, his heartache to himself and wouldn't mention their mom. He would be with his brother, that was the only thing that mattered. Clueless Will was better than no Will.

X

Jay got a text from his brother just as he sat at his desk, 'taking a raincheck' on the night. He'd had a long day, was tired and just wanted to go home to Natalie.

Maybe he should have texted him back, reminded him what day it was, how much he needed him but he didn't. He jumped into a pool of self pity instead. He couldn't help himself, it hurt, it fucking hurt.

Gripping his phone, he willed away the tears that threatened. As much as he tried not to feel abandoned by his brother, it was impossible. He was an idiot for getting his hopes up…again.

He really fucking hated July.

X

"Halstead. My office."

Jay looked up at his boss wondering what he did now.

"HALSTEAD!"

Apparently he wasn't getting up fast enough.

He sighed, shrugged his shoulders at Hailey and walked into the lions den.

Jay didn't even realize he did it. One minute Voight was yelling at him for something, the next minute Jay cut him off by putting his fist through the glass in the door. If Voight was mad before he was raging now, grabbing him by the collar and shoving him into the wall.

He couldn't even hear what Voight was saying, their faces were five inches apart and he had no comprehension of the words, had no clue what he did wrong in the first place. For all he knew Voight could have been raging about how bad the Bears sucked. All Jay heard was noise.

Intermingled with the yelling was the soft voice of Hailey. Jay couldn't understand what she was saying either, the ringing in his ears was at 11 and his heart was a bass drum booming off rhythm.

Neither Voight or Hailey or even the team who were now standing outside the office were talking to Jay. Hell, everyone was absolutely ignoring him. They were all talking at each other. He was the proverbial fly on the wall, except he didn't understand the language. It didn't matter. He was leaving. He was pretty sure his parting shot was 'fuck you!'

He didn't realize the trail of blood he was leaving until he was almost home and saw the blood leaking from his knuckles, down his arm and onto his jeans. By the time he had made it to his apartment though, he had forgotten about his messed up hand.

X

Hailey found him sitting on his couch drinking a beer bleeding all over himself. With a sigh, she took his beer away and dragged him into the bathroom to fix up his hand. They didn't talk, he didn't even look at her, embarrassed of his actions, devastated that his mom was dead, afraid that he was going to lose his job, ashamed he couldn't keep his shit together. That was the cycle of crap running in his head as he sat on the edge of the tub getting his hand fixed up by his best friend.

He was glad she didn't try to force him to talk. They both knew it would happen sooner or later, so there was no need to force the issue. She left the bathroom with a declaration that she didn't think he needed stitches, even though they both knew he needed stitches but wouldn't go to the ER.

She came back a few minutes later with a bottle of water, sweat pants and a t-shirt for him. He took some ibuprofen, drank the water and climbed into bed even though it wasn't even 5 o'clock.

He woke up a little after 8:00 pm. They had a silent dinner of Chinese food and he went back to bed.

The night was hell, filled with tossing, turning and tears. At one point Hailey woke him up from a brutal nightmare, helped him change out of a sweat soaked t-shirt and then crawled into bed with him. He fell asleep holding her hand, her presence bringing him the peace he needed to finally rest.

Jay woke the next morning not feeling the least bit rested and not sure if he should get ready for work, he didn't even know if he still had a job. Hailey was gone and as much as he didn't like it, he would probably need her to pave the way and see if he should bother going in, but then again, maybe he should skip that part, he would have to go in either way.

There was really no choice in the matter. Go in, apologize to Voight and get to work or go in, apologize to Voight and be told to hand over his badge. If there is one thing he was not, it was a fucking coward. He wasn't going to hide from the consequences of his actions.

He did stall getting ready though - for his sure to be shit day. All he really wanted to do was stay in bed, hide under the covers and go to sleep. But that wasn't an option. So, acting like an adult, he got dressed, tied his boots and left the bedroom feeling like a slug.

Jay decided to skip breakfast thinking he would pick something up for Hailey and himself on the way in but was surprised to hear Hailey puttering around the kitchen. He was sure she had left, then thought maybe she had and come back.

He owed her an apology for the last couple of weeks but started with the 'thank you' for the previous night, "Hey, thanks for…"

His words died on his tongue, his partner stood in his kitchen with a black eye and a split lip, "…Hailey! What the…what the hell happened?"

Taking in the time on the microwave, his mind going a mile a minute, he thought maybe he had overslept and she'd gone to work and got hurt. But when he stepped forward to look at her face and she flinched away, a sledgehammer hit him in the chest.

He did that to her.

Crushed, he staggered back, horrified by what he had done. He could barely even speak, "Hailey…I…what…" He didn't remember. He didn't remember anything from last night after she crawled into bed.

Hailey tried to keep the tremble from her voice but it was still there, "Jay its…" That was all she could choke out.

She was afraid of him.

Frozen in that heartbreaking realization, he stared at her for another second clocking the damage he'd done to her face. He'd hurt his best friend and she was afraid of him.

Hailey was afraid of him.

Desolation seeping into his soul, he looked away as tears flooded his eyes and before any of them could fall, like a fucking coward he ran.

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Okey dokey. Part one is released into the universe! Right now I am thinking there will only be one more long chapter, but who knows.

Not sure when I will post the next chapter. I have parts written of three different directions the story could go. If I can, I might incorporate all three, since July already sucks for Jay, we might as well pile it on, right?

This was all angsty whump, whumpy whump is coming in the next chapter…more angst also!

Thanks for reading and as always, thanks for your comments, kudos and reviews! They make might day!

Stay safe peeps!