Later that evening, we transition to what appears to be Archer laying on top of Lana in a sexual position, with lights adorning the background of the scene.

"It's time to put balls in holes," Archer said. Lana appears discomforted by this statement. "You said whatever I want."

"I get it," Lana said.

We change angles to discover the duo are currently in an arcade facing down a skee ball game, with hip-hop music playing in the background. Lana is holding her arms loosely around Archer's neck.

"You love skee ball," Lana said, as she removes her arms from Archer's neck in annoyance. "Apparently more than you love vagina."

"That's a tough call," Archer said, as he scoffs and stutters when trying to find the right wording. "I just wanna get to know the real you, you know. Not the short-shorted, two-dimensional sex object peddled by Hollywood."

Lana grabs one of the skee balls used for the game. "Balls in holes." She throws the ball to Archer, who catches it without even looking.

"Balls in holes. Phrasing, boom." He stares down the skee ball machine with determination. "Prepare to lose tragically."

"Bring it, big man," Lana said, confident.

"Okay." Archer hurls the skee ball into the highest scoring hole.

"Ruh-roh, Lana said, mocking Scooby-Doo in feign terror.

"Ruh-roh," Archer said, doing the same thing.

Archer and Lana, after playing a round of games, approach the prize counter. Archer has a plethora of tickets situated in his arms while Lana has a mere handful of tickets in her right hand.

"The limited edition, 'Voltron: Defender of the Universe' ring, por favor." Archer hands his huge pile of tickets to the employee, who sets them off to the side. He then crouches down and eyes the aforementioned ring, which costs a whopping total of '3500 Tickets'. "Had my eye on this sucker for a while."

"And I will take the pencil eraser," Lana says, as she hands the employee her tickets.

"Okay," the employee said. "You are now the proud protector of the planet Arus." He proceeds to hand Archer the 'Voltron: Defender of the Universe' ring. "And you can erase stuff..." He hands Lana her prize. "Written in pencil."

"M'lady?" Archer holds out his arm, offering to walk Lana out, which she happily takes.

"Well, I hate to break it to you, but your 145 minutes are up."

Archer, not wanting the night to end at a moment's notice, comes up with a plan. "Hey, how many more minutes can I get for this?" He holds up his ring for Lana to get a better look. "FYI, five min lion-bots come together to form one super-bot, so..."

Lana stops dead in her tracks, enthralled by Archer's statement. "Five min lion-bots? Three minutes."

"Deal." Archer checks his watch to set the timer. "What do we do with the remaining two minutes, 37 seconds?" Duncan asked.

Lana thinks for a few moments before coming up with an answer. "Cuddle?"


Later on, we see Lana and Archer having sex up against a wall in Archer's apartment while Neil Sadaka's 'Calendar Girl' plays in the background.

"How long can you keep this up?" Lana asked in astonishment.

"All year?" Archer said, unsure as to the proper answer for that question. Lana likes the sound of that, prompting a chuckle out of Archer. He spins her around towards the bed.


Time then fast forwards and we see them tumble onto a bed strewn with rose petals, kissing each other passionately. She sits naked on top of him, thrusting as he reaches up and touches her breasts.

"Happy Valentine's Day," Lana said, seductively, as they kiss.


Time fast forwards and we see red lanterns hanging from the ceiling. Lana wears a wig while on her hands and knees with Archer behind her.

"Happy Chinese New Year," Archer whispered in her ear.

"Year of the Horse," Lana said, prompting a smile out of Archer.


Time fast forwards and we see Archer puffing out his cheeks in discomfort. From behind, Lana leans into his ear.

"Relax," Lana said. "And Happy International Women's Day." She whispers that last part as she bites his ear. She tightens a strap on, and as soon as it hits Archer's asshole, he realizes he cannot go through with it.

"No. No. No."


Time fast forwards and we see Archer and Lana sitting in chairs, reading. Lana's hair is now tied in a back-flip hairstyle with bangs swept to the left.

"Happy Lent," Archer said, as Lana kisses the air.


Time fast forwards where we see Lana is now in bed, Lana writhing in pleasure before cringing in pain.

"Ow, ow." Lana looks down at the covers. "Archer?"

"Sorry." Archer emerges from between her legs, revealing that he was wearing fake vampire teeth, which he was using too bite Lana's vagina. "Happy Halloween." He says, albeit improperly. He takes out the teeth so he can speak more clearly. "Happy Halloween." Lana laughs as Archer approaches her with a smile on his face.


Time fast forwards where we see them having sex on a table strewn with bushes. Lana smears food on his face as they continue making out.

"Happy Thanksgiving," she said. Archer pulls away for a moment to give Lana a confession.

"I love you," Archer said. Lana is, at first, taken aback by this, but continues kissing him nonetheless.


Time fast forwards to Christmas and we see Archer clad in an ugly red sweater walking over towards Lana, her body covered by a sheet.

"If your left leg is Thanksgiving, and your right leg is Christmas, can I visit you between the holidays?" Archer asked. He pulls off the sheet, revealing that Lana is wearing another red sweater even uglier than the one Archer has on. "Oh. That sweater is terrible." Archer said, getting a laugh out of Lana. "But red looks good on you."

"Red's your color," Lana said, placing her foot on Archer's chest. "Brings out the bloodshot in your eyes."

He smiles. "Listen, I've been thinking…"

"Really?" Lana said, intrigued.

"...about why we're so good together."

"Why's that?" Lana said, curious.

"Well, your crazy matches my crazy. Big time." Lana chuckles at this. "And, uh, we're like two jigsaw pieces, you know, the weird curvy edges."

"You put them together and you can see the picture on top," Lana said, believing she understands where Archer's going with this.

"Right," Archer nods.

"Archer," Lana said, sitting upright, "there's something I've been meaning to ask you. But only because you haven't gotten around to asking me." Archer nods, waiting for Lana's answer. "Will you, uh… stick it in my…"

"Marry me?" Archer said in unison with Lana's last few words, holding up a candy ring.

Lana looks at the candy ring, sheepish at having set herself up for that without seeing it coming in any regard. She attempts to hide it as best she can. "Uh… Jinx?" Archer raises his eyebrow, indicating he doesn't buy Lana's lie, but willing to let it slide. She eyes the ring, curious as to its origin. "Where were you hiding that?"

"Nowhere." We zoom out to see that Archer isn't wearing any pants, and his butt cheeks are clinched together, indicating he hid the candy ring where the sun don't shine. We return to Archer's face, which is staring right at an ecstatic Lana. "They say one month's salary. So, uh…"

"You mean?" Lana asked.

"I do."

"That's my line." Lana kisses Archer, passionately, before pulling away and gazing at him. "I love you, Sterling Archer."

"You're supposed to… So that's a…"

"Yes!"

"Whoo! Yes!" Archer laughs in triumph. "I feel just like a little girl." He snuggles up behind her as she puts on the candy ring and holds it up admiringly. "What if I just held on and never let go?"

"Just ride a bitch's back, like Yoda on Luke Skywalker."

"Oh, Star Wars jokes."

"Empire." Lana seemed a bit offended Archer didn't know that off the top of his head.

"Jesus Christ. It's like I made you in a computer." She reaches behind him to rub his head while they kiss before Archer takes note of an instant camera situated on a nearby dresser. "Hey." He grabs it and holds over their faces as they smile. "Perfect." He snaps a smiling photo of them, and it pops out the top. "All right, pee break." Archer gets up to use the toilet as Lana grabs the photo and begins to shake it. "Shake it, yeah." Archer walks up to the toilet and urinates in their exposed bathroom nearby. As he does so, Deadpool begins speaking through voiceover.

"Here's the thing. Life is an endless series of train-wrecks with only brief, commercial-like breaks of happiness." Archer smiles brightly as he finishes doing his business and turns towards Lana. "This had been the ultimate commercial break." He peels off his sweater and claps his hands together, readying himself to go another round with his fiancée. "Which meant it was time to return to our regularly scheduled program."

Suddenly, begins to feel lightheaded. "What the..." Archer falls to the ground with a thud, much to Lana's surprise and fear.

"Oh, my god. Archer?" She rushes over towards him, fearing the worse.


We transition to a doctor's office where we're shown two x-rays which showcase red areas within Archer's internal system. Archer and Lana sit across from a doctor, both displeased by the results of his x-rays.

"You're clowning," Archer said, alarmed. "You're not clowning? I sense clowns."

"People react to news of late-stage cancer differently," the doctor said. "There are certainly options we can look into. New drugs are being developed every day."

Archer turns towards Lana as she grips his hand and turns towards the doctor. "So what do we do?" Lana asked the doctor. "Surely there is something we can do." Archer stares at her. "My uncle Anthony was diagnosed with thyroid cancer and there were all these new experimental drugs from Mexico."

Lana's voice fades into the background as Deadpool begins speaking through voiceover. "Lana's already working on Plan A, B, all the way through Z. Me? I'm memorizing the details of her face. Like it's the first time I'm seeing it. Or the last." Lana sees the fear present in Archer's eyes in regards to this horrid situation

"Mr. Archer?" the doctor called out to him, although he's currently far and away. "Mr. Archer?" The doctor regains Archer's attention and he turns to face her. "Take your time to process this."