Chapter 1: I'm Gonna be a Hero!
"Today's the day!"
The exalted cry drew many eyes and more than a bit of puzzlement from onlookers. Even those who regularly toured London's streets were not immune to the oddity before them.
The man who shouted wore exceptionally strange garb, by most modern conventions. A hardened black leather chest plate with intricate silver filigree, leather pants fitted tightly to his thighs, and steel-capped boots that had certainly gone out of style a century ago.
"Today's the day!"
One man, worried he was missing out, turned to his wife.
"Is it a holiday that I'm forgetting about, Luv?" The woman glared at her husband before her hand reared back as she unleashed a brutal slap. The English citizens were shocked at such a show. Moreover, they were horrified that one of their own would engage in such vulgarity in public, a heinous crime against proper British sensibility.
"You forgot our anniversary again!"
In the woman's rage, her Irish accent was thick, and the people around her understood. Everyone knew the Irish were an uncivilized lot. Almost as bad as the Americans, and everyone knew you never wanted to go full American.
As the woman continued to lay into her spouse, people had two things to stare at and were having trouble deciding which to choose.
However, entertainment soon turned to horror as the man in the strange garb came up to a crosswalk, paused briefly to look down the street, and ensured no cars were coming. The more observant people in the crowd noticed the problem right away, but before they could call out a warning, the man continued on his way, jogging into the street. The man had looked the wrong way.
"Today's the da–"
A terrible thud sounded, followed by the screech of rubber on asphalt as the bright red double-decker bus hit the man and slammed on the brakes. There was a moment of silence. Even the scorned Irish woman ceased shouting as the people processed what had happened.
"Bloody twit."
There was an impressive group nod of agreement before people began to pull out their mobiles and call for an ambulance. However, there was nothing to be done by the time they got there. The man had died on impact. His death would be nothing but a footnote on the English news the next day, and the name Shirou Emiya would fade into obscurity on Earth.
Shirou woke up to the twinkling of stars but the absence of a moon. He was briefly disappointed. Shirou liked the moon. It reminded him of his Dad and, more recently, of Saber, the best tiger mom a boy could ask for. Shirou blinked, and suddenly he was no longer amidst the stars. Instead, he found himself sitting in a chair across from a woman. She was small, with sky-blue hair and pale skin. To say she was beautiful would be an insult. It wasn't until she crossed her legs that Shirou noticed her scandalously short dress that he tore his attention to the space they were inhabiting. They were both sitting in a pool of light, with nothing but darkness beyond. Finally, the woman cleared her throat and stood.
"Shirou Emiya, your life was short, but it has ended, for I am Aqua goddess of water, tasked to guide those who died young unto the next life."
Shirou's eyes went wide.
"I died!"
Aqua snorted and covered her mouth with a hand, trying to muffle her laughter and failing miserably.
"You were just so excited! You kept shouting 'Today's the day' like an idiot and looked the wrong way, crossing the street. You got hit by a bus!" Aqua bent double as her amusement got the best of her.
Shirou slumped. He had always known that he would die, Shirou fully accepted that fact, but he had always pictured his death as some kind of heroic last stand defending the helpless. Or Rin smothering him in his sleep if his eyes lingered on Luvia for too long, not that they ever would. But Rin never let things like logic and reasoning get in her way when she thought she was right.
Instead, Shirou died from looking the wrong way before crossing the street because he wasn't used to England's stupid roadways! Rin was probably laughing her gloriously toned ass off.
Aqua's laughter finally died, and she wiped the tears from her cheeks.
"I haven't laughed like that in forever. Thanks for that, Shirou."
"It's not funny, to begin with!"
"Well, maybe you're just too close to it."
Aqua turned and skipped back to her seat, making the hem of her dress jump up, showing Shirou everything. He was starting to think her claims of godhood were a lie. Succubus seemed like a far more accurate describer.
'She could compete with Rin.'
Flopping back into her chair, Aqua seemed to refocus.
"Now you've lived a pretty decent life. At least, I think you did. Your file was very thick, so I just skimmed it. So, I'll level with you, Shirou. You've got three options; heaven, reincarnation, or other. Now," Aqua held up a hand to stop Shirou from speaking. "I know what you're thinking. Heaven's the best. It's paradise. There'll be all the best foods and people around me, right? Wrong!"
Shirou jumped at the sudden shout.
"Heaven's boring. You just float around like a ghost all day basking in the sun, and because you don't have a body, you can't eat or drink anything, and you can definitely forget about getting any nookie."
Well, that was disappointing. Even serving under Alaya sounded like a better alternative than an eternity of nothing.
"And reincarnation? Well, that's no great shake, either. Being reborn without a single memory, it's like you cease to exist completely, and you can't even guarantee yourself a happy life." Aqua shook her head, eyes tightly closed.
"So, you said there was a third option?" Shirou asked as the silence stretched on.
Aqua's look of grief fell away, and she bobbed up with a smile.
"I'm so glad you asked. I don't generally offer this option to every human who crosses my path, but you, I sense you've got moxie."
Shirou scratched his head, not really sure what she meant by that.
"You see, Earth is only one of the hundreds of worlds in the universe. Another world I oversee is in grave danger. It's gotten so bad that no one wants to reincarnate there, so the population is declining."
Shirou began to hear a symphony of trumpets in his head, and his eyes lit up like stars.
"The world of Belzerg needs a hero to save it from destruction."
Shirou exploded to his feet, first held high.
"Yes!"
Shirou fixed Aqua with a manic look and rushed forward, causing her to squeak and push herself as far back in her chair as possible.
"I'll do it. I'll go to Belzerg and save everyone!"
"W-well, that's wonderful."
Aqua was finding it difficult to find words with Shirou's face being no more than six inches from her own
"There are a few things I need to tell you, then I'll send you along."
"There's no time! People could be in danger now, and I must save them."
"B-But I haven't given you your-"
"It doesn't matter." Shirou's hands shot out, grabbed Aqua under her arms, and picked her up like a rag doll.
"There's no time to lose! Send me!" Shirou began to shake Aqua like a baby that wouldn't stop crying.
"Ok, Ok! Just put me down!"
Shirou complied, and Aqua stumbled dizzily.
"Freaking crazy people," Aqua said, glaring at Shirou, putting a hand to her head.
She had only been trying to give him a gift to make his mission easier. A weapon of legend or a particular skill so that there would have at least been the smallest of chances Shirou would be successful.
But he didn't want it, so fine. Aqua would send him there, and he could die for all she cared.
Aqua snapped her fingers, and instantly a glyph formed under Shirou's feet, and light shot down from above.
"Shirou Emiya, I send you forth to Belzerg of your own volition. Find the adventurers guild to learn more about your goddess-given quest and defeat the Devil King."
Aqua gave her speech on autopilot as Shirou began to ascend to the light above and laugh joyfully.
"And don't you dare come back!"
Aqua's shout never reached Shirou's ears as he vanished in a flash.
Aqua flopped back into her seat with a groan. Honestly, she had never encountered anyone as crazy as that guy. Maybe she should be more careful when reviewing the deceased individual's files. Aqua snorted as if she would ever bother doing that.
With a sigh, she waved her hand, and another file appeared from her queue.
'Honestly, why did these humans insist on dying so rapidly?'
"Satou Kazuma." Aqua read out loud before throwing the file on the table beside her.
"I'll get to him later. I definitely deserve a drink first."
Standing, Aqua teleported to her private wine cellar, proceeded to down an entire bottle, and happily passed out. It's not like she was working on a strict timetable, every one of her clients was already dead, and she got back to it tomorrow.
When the light faded and Shirou could see again, he wasn't in the dark realm with Aqua any longer. Wide amber eyes stared around him in amazement. Instead, Shirou was in what he could only describe as a medieval European city. He was standing on a patch of green grass beside a cobblestone road. Wooden houses and shops with tiled roofs lined the road, and people in rough but colorful linen clothes wandered to and fro.
Shirou could hardly believe it; he was in another world and had a purpose. His heart pounded against his ribs, and a smile stretched across his lips. It was finally time. After training and waiting so long, it was finally his time to shine.
"Today's the day I become a hero!"
People jumped, startled by his exclamation, before rolling their eyes as they saw what he was wearing. It was common knowledge that adventurers were a strange lot.
Shirou paid them no mind as he began striding for the town center, a large smile firmly in place.
"You there, man, with the large sword," Shirou said, having read the blade's history and seeing that he had killed a few monsters with it.
"Where can I find the adventurers guild? I was told I need to go there to fight the Devil King."
The man with a sword blinked and glanced around, hoping Shirou was addressing someone else. When it was clear that Shirou had posed his question to him, he awkwardly pointed down the street they were both on.
"Keep on this road and take the third right. You'll eventually make your way to the main square, can't miss the guild once you're there."
Shirou beamed.
"Thank you, good Sir. I shall remember you fondly."
With his parting words given, Shirou took off again.
"I need a hero. I'm holding on for a hero till the morning light." Shirou sang, off-key but with great enthusiasm as he juked past the people walking at a far more leisurely pace.
"He's gotta be sure, and it's gotta be soon, and he's gotta be larger than life."
Stopping on a dime, Shirou didn't bother taking in the shops with brightly colored signs, nor did he pay any mind to the street vendors hawking their wares in the town square. Instead, Shirou's attention was wholly dominated by guild building.
The building was the biggest in the square, three stories tall. The stairs leading up the entrance were made of stone, and a constant stream of people walked up and down those stairs going about their business. Above the door was a sign that proudly declared:
Adventurer's Guild.
Shirou placed one foot on the stairs and stood proudly for a moment, taking in the majesty of the moment.
"Oi, you're in the way." Someone said, pushing Shirou to the side so he could enter the building.
Shirou flushed slightly, realizing he had been holding up foot traffic, and followed the man inside.
It was, as Shirou expected, a bustling hive of activity. The front of the building appeared to be a restaurant with a full bar against the back wall and was packed with an eclectic collection of tables and benches where a diverse crowd of people happily ate, drank, and chatted.
"Hi there, if you are here to eat, sit down anywhere. Go to the window if you are here to register or pick a job."
A woman dressed in a simple server dress told Shirou while pointing to the side.
"Thank you, Miss," Shirou said with a slight bow. After all, it never hurt to be polite.
The woman colored slightly and giggled behind her hand, turning to watch Shirou as he made his way to the service counter.
Luckily there was no line, and Shirou could walk straight up to the woman seated behind it. She had delicate, pretty features and hair the color of wheat and smiled kindly at Shirou.
"Good afternoon. Are you here to check in or pick up a quest?"
Shirou opened his mouth but realized he didn't actually know why he was there. Aqua had just told him to find the guild, and they would help him become a hero.
"I was told to come here to become a hero and fight the Devil King," Shirou said, scratching his cheek.
The girl blinked and began to giggle, thinking that Shirou had to be joking. The Devil King, how absurd. He was wholly unreachable and unbeatable beside.
"Well, adventurers have certainly been known to do heroic deeds, but are you not already registered? By your armor, I had just assumed you to be experienced."
Shirou glanced down at himself reflexively. He was rather fond of his outfit because Rin had made it for him.
Shirou had been reluctant to wear it at first. It looked far too similar to Archer's for his comfort, but Rin had been insistent and would start muttering incoherently whenever she saw him wearing it. She also drooled. Shirou decided it was best not to probe as to why for nothing but madness could be found by doing so.
"No, I'm pretty new," Shirou said, and the girl's smile grew.
"Well, then, you're in the right place. Axle is known as the town of beginners for a reason. After all, it is the perfect place to start your adventuring career."
The woman stood abruptly, and Shirou's eyes almost popped from their sockets as two of the most formidable assets bounced with impressive vigor. Shirou could say with absolute certainty he had never seen a more magnificent pair of sweater meat mountains in his life.
Shirou was lost in his stupor; until the hand attached to the wonderful wobbling waboes was waved in his face.
"Hello? Are you ok?"
"Oh. Uh, yes, I'm sorry. What were you asking me?"
The woman kept smiling.
"I need your name. Mine is Luna, in case you were curious."
Shirou shook off the last of his hormone-induced laxity and fervently hoped Luna hadn't noticed.
"My name is Shirou Emiya."
Luna leaned forward and rested her hands on the counter that separated them. Shirou almost fell back into lusty insanity before tearing his eyes away from the magnificent cleavage and staring intently at her forehead.
"Well, Shirou, I'll need one-thousand eris as a registration fee, and I'll get your adventurers card."
Eris? Given the context, Shirou assumed it was a form of currency. Shirou didn't have any money on him, he blamed his lack of pockets, and therefore Rin was quickly labeled the guilty party. Shirou had even asked Rin about adding the perfect multifunction pouches that all men enjoyed. Her response had been something about interrupting the lines of his ass before she promptly mounted him.
'Curse Rin and her rampant horniness!'
Shirou looked into Luna's wide, shimmering blue eyes and leaned in, placing his hands on the counter as he did.
"I don't have any money, but if registering as an adventurer is the first step in becoming a hero, I'll do anything!"
Luna stepped back at Shirou's impassioned shout, her ears turning pink.
'Such dedication!'
Luna aired out her shirt, suddenly feeling flushed. The world around her began to blur as she lost herself in Shirou's powerful gaze. Glancing down didn't help as she took in Shirou's hands, tension clearly showing every ligament.
'Such powerful hands.'
Luna wiggled in place, and her heart pounded erratically as she thought of what those hands could do to her.
"I–That is to say I could maybe give you a job." Luna's voice was squeaky, and her eyes darted back and forth.
Shirou's eyes lit up, and he reached forward and cupped Luna's clasped hands in his own.
"Thank you so much."
Luna almost began to hyperventilate when she felt the roughness of his palms and fingers. Luna fought to not pass out, forcing herself to step back and, with shaking hands, picked up a flier and held it up between her and Shirou like a shield.
"Toads!"
Shirou blinked and pulled back to make out the sheet Luna was thrusting at him. There was a hand-drawn illustration of a toad on the rough yellow parchment, along with a set of instructions.
"There's a group of giant toads harassing several farms surrounding Axel. They do it every year during their mating season. They've been eating all the farmers' goats, chickens, and sometimes even the farmers themselves!" Luna took a deep breath and talking about something familiar calmed her. "I'm not technically allowed to do this, but this quest almost always goes unfulfilled since it doesn't pay very well, so I'm willing to bend the rules for you, that is…." Luna looked Shirou up and down quickly and pulled her hands back slightly. "If you have a weapon?"
Shirou beamed, not only at the opportunity that Luna was giving him but at her question. If there was anything that Shirou had, it was weapons.
"I can promise that weapons aren't an issue for me."
Something about Shirou's tone convinced Luna that it wasn't some boast, and she let him take the flier from her hand.
"Ok, what will happen is you need to kill a frog and have its body hauled back here. We'll pay you 2,000 eris per confirmed kill–"
"Which can pay for my registration." Shirou interrupted happily.
"Exactly! Once you've got your registration, you can finish the quest and receive the full payout plus experience points and prestige increase."
Experience points and Prestige? Shirou had no idea what those were, which must have shown on his face because Luna lept into an explanation.
"Experience points are used to advance your class skills, and those are earned by hunting and killing monsters and absorbing part of their life essence. Prestige is a guild term. New adventurers have no prestige and, as such, can only take F-rank jobs, the lowest level. When you complete quests, you'll earn acclaim and build your Prestige which will let you take higher-level quests."
"Well, that makes sense," Shirou said. And it did. After all, no responsible organization could afford to send groups out to die just because they took jobs they weren't capable of. That would be foolish.
"We like to think so. Now, do you have any more questions before you head out?"
"No, I'll get to work and have a toad before the sun sets."
Shirou's smile was blinding as he said those words, and he immediately ran out, waving to Luna over his shoulder as he did so.
"I'll be back before you know it!"
But Luna wasn't focused on his waving hand or parting words; her eyes were glued to Shirou's leather-clad rear until it vanished through the front door.
She didn't stop staring until a hostess, Marie, skipped to Luna's window.
"Somebody's thirsty." Marie sang as she approached, knocking Luna from her stupor.
"Marie!"
Luna waved her hands and shook her head frantically.
"I-I have no idea what you're talking about!"
Marie giggled and demurely brought her hand to her lips.
"Oh, Luna, that would be much more convincing if you weren't drooling."
Luna hurriedly wiped her mouth and squeaked in mortification as she found that drool had indeed made its way down her chin.
Sinking back into her chair Luna hid her face in her hands as Marie continued her giggling and skipped back to her place at the front of the guild. But Luna was sure that Marie would never let her live this embarrassment down.
Shirou stood on a hill that provided him an excellent vantage point to gaze at the town behind him. It looked like a wagon wheel from a distance, the road-like spokes carving their way to the center of the city and a great stone wall completely surrounding it. Shirou's eyes were sharp enough to make out people walking along the roads, going about their business.
It was interesting but not the reason he was there. Turning away from the town, Shirou overlooked the farmland. Carefully cultivated fields of wheat, corn, and even grapes stretched around rolling hills. In the distance, the Shirou could make out the start of woodland, but he doubted he would have to go that far. The quest flier said the toads stayed close to the farmlands and burrowed underground when they weren't actively eating or looking for food.
With no better strategy in mind, Shirou decided to simply wander. The sun was high overhead and provided a comfortable warmth only occasionally blocked by fluffing white clouds.
Things stayed calm for around an hour until Shirou heard a cry.
"Help!"
Shirou reinforced his body as much as possible and launched himself forward, the ground cratering with each step he took. Reinforcement was a straightforward form of magic, but Shirou had a particular talent for it, capable of strengthening his body many times over; he could move faster, hit harder, and take more damage than most other magus.
"Help!"
Shirou crested a green hill and saw an old man trying his best to hobble away from a giant toad, twice the size of a grown cow, hopping after him.
"Trace on."
Shirou intoned his trigger phrase, a form of self-hypnosis that allowed him to tap into his magic circuits. It was unfortunate that Shirou was not a very talented magus. He could only perform three mysteries; reinforcement, structural analysis, and tracing.
Behind Shirou, a single unadorned long sword appeared in a flash of blue light. The blade hung behind Shirou until he sent a mental command and launched toward the frog with a hiss of displaced air.
The sword flew true and slammed into the toad's forehead hard enough to kill the amphibian's momentum and knock it onto its back with a wheezing croak.
Shirou covered the last hundred meters to the old man the toad was chasing before skidding to a stop. The old man was wheezing heavily with his hands on his knees, desperately gulping for air.
"Are you alright?"
The man looked up at Shirou and took in his attire before falling to his knees and groveling.
"Thank you, young man, you saved my life. Thank you so much!"
Shirou took a step back as the man-made to begin kissing his boot, slightly disturbed by the fervency of the old man's gratitude.
"It's no problem, just doing what anyone would have done."
The old man pushed himself to his knees and gazed at Shirou like an angel descending from heaven.
"Praise be to you, kind Sir. I beseech you, please, tell me your name."
"It's Shirou Emiya."
The old man nodded and stood, using a walking stick to support himself.
"I, Eret Linfold, shall never forget your name nor stop singing your praises Shirou Emiya."
With that said, Eret Linfold abruptly turned and walked away, never looking back, for he did not consider himself worthy of continuing to gaze upon the face of kindness.
Shirou scratched his head. He never claimed to be a master of social interaction, but he understood that there was nothing ordinary about the exchange that had just taken place. For some reason, Shirou had a terrible feeling that whatever happened would return to haunt him in the months to come.
"Oh well, no use dwelling on it." Shirou walked over to the toad, "Got to get this bad boy back to the guild and register as an adventurer!"
Shirou grasped the toad and managed to pick it up, but the slimy skin and deadweight of the body proved too much for him, and with a cry, he toppled over.
Groaning, Shirou clawed his way out from under the toad and gasped for breath once his head was free.
"This is gonna be harder than I thought."
A little preview of whats to come since I missed my deadline for A Hero's Dream, I'll post that next week.
As you may be able to tell the theme of this story is trope and shouldn't be taken seriously, just like Konosuba. Shout out to YouTube's Project Mouthwash, since I'm basing this Shirou off of their abridged creation, you should all check it out.
