A/N: Been a bit, hasn't it? Sorry about that.

Just Shepard Things


*Control*


Miranda was not a happy woman.

She was also a woman currently bouncing around the interior hull of a Hammerhead, which really ought to have been her first concern as she repeatedly became acquainted with the floor, ceiling, and everything in between. The asari gumbo she'd consumed earlier was flip-flopping around in her stomach, unsure whether to go up or down with how she was in a constant state of motion.

"YOU CALL THIS DRIVING!?" she screamed, slamming into the wall next to Garrus. The Cerberus power armor took the brunt of the impact, spreading it out to keep her from locking up. A groan of pain left her lips and she slid towards the back as the Hammerhead launched itself up a mountain in a giant middle finger to pesky things like physics or geography.

"We're fine!" Shepard yelled back, cranking forward the boost. The Hammerhead's engines screamed in protest as the commander forced every last ounce of power out, Miranda swearing angrily as she was flung back again. Garrus, far too used to the commander's lack of piloting skills, bore it with a grim smile and held on for dear life. The vehicle didn't have the same durability of the Mako, or its arsenal. Not that it seemed to bother Shepard any, who was determined to drag the lump of metal up this mountain regardless.

"The Hammerhead isn't made to scale mountains!" Miranda shrieked from the back.

"Garrus, tell Miranda to control her insolence while I concentrate." Shepard yawned boredly.

"Miranda." Garrus' grin was nothing short of shit-eating as he remained strapped in while Miranda floundered around. "Control your insolence. Shepard is concentrating."

"I'll show you control!" the biotic threatened. "Control of my biotics as I shove a Singularity right up your a-" The Hammerhead crested the mountain and her eyes threatened to bulge out of her skull. "SHEPARRRRRRRD!"

"Oh shut up." Shepard was remarkably calm as gravity took one look at the Hammerhead, nodded once, and decided back down was as good of a direction as any. The M-44 did its best impersonation of a ballistic missile as it screamed towards death, only for the commander to slow it down via reangling the twin hover jets. "Garrus, remind me to make sure she isn't a passenger again. She'd be no fun in the Mako."

Garrus wanted to point out that almost nobody wanted to be a passenger with Shepard at the wheel. The only one who did was Grunt, because he found it hilarious. Some nonsense about how anyone who runs away from Shepard's driving shouldn't be part of her crew anyway. The youngest member of the team calling out veteran soldiers and scientists was enough to make everyone grin and bear it, though Tali and Garrus did think it was a good idea to give some advice to the other members of the team.

Lesson one, the moment you are in the vehicle, strap in and hold for dear life.

Lesson two: It doesn't matter if Shepard isn't in the cockpit yet, do as you are told.

Simple instructions, though some took their safety and well-being more seriously than others. Mordin had taken to reading from a prayer book prior to any missions involving a vehicle other than a shuttle or the Normandy.

Miranda thought everyone was exaggerating, a poor attempt at another joke at her expense, and decided she was going to stand like a dignified woman.

It wasn't a joke, because jokes are funny. The commander's lack of driving ability was terrifying. Though it did do an excellent job of emptying one's stomach.

A lightly bruised and angry-looking Miranda rolled to the front of the cockpit, glaring up at the commander. "I hate you so much..." She was already jamming a medigel needle into her, biotics flaring, and she smacked away Garrus' offered hand up, staggering to her feet and feeling like she lost a fistfight with a krogan. Joker would laugh himself hoarse if he could see what kind of damage Shepard inflicted.

The Hammerhead began to speed up again, and Miranda, having learned her lesson, strapped into the seat next to the commander's. "Shepard, why are you speeding up...?" She looked to see what they were about to ram into and she recoiled, trying to shrink into her chair. "SHEPARD!"

"Relax. It's just a geth armature. Garrus, think I can ram it off a cliff?"

The turian peered over, looked at Miranda's horrified expression, and grinned. "The armor should hold up."

Miranda screamed.


Jacob was waiting for their return in the Normandy's hangar once Shepard had finished committing various crimes against geth. The Hammerhead's engines cut, the door opened, and the first thing out was a black blur slamming into him with the force of a vorcha. He was used to taking hits from his time in the Alliance, but it was one thing to be in a firefight with adrenaline rushing and another to take a tackle by surprise.

Jacob looked down and saw Miranda's terrified face. "Save me!" she begged, clutching at the front of his armor desperately.

The operative opened his mouth to ask what could have possibly reduced Miranda to such a state, looked past the sobbing woman at Shepard and Garrus, and sighed.

"Do I even want to know?"

Miranda cried harder.

"Someone didn't know how to control their insolence." Garrus cackled and dodged the Warp thrown at him. "We warned you. We all said that when it comes to ground missions, you best strap in and hold on before we even touch the ground. But noooooo you didn't listen. Miss Catsuit knows best."

Jacob sighed again and helped Miranda to her feet, feeling more and more like he was becoming the resident babysitter on the Normandy. "Come on, Miri. Let's have Chakwas take a look at you. Commander, can you go one mission without reducing someone into a sobbing mess? Taking care of mentally scarred patients is not in my job description." Nor was it Chakwas, but the doc made an exception for the crew.

Shepard smiled innocently. "What makes you think this is my fault?"

Jacob stared at her.

"This had nothing to do with me, I assure you."

Jacob stared harder, looking past the commander and eyeing the wonderful large dent in the front of the Hammerhead. Almost as if someone used it as a battering ram.

Shepard turned around, saw what he was looking at, and winced. "Ah, that. Well... Garrus and I made a bet about whether or not I could ram a geth armature off a cliff. I won."

Jacob rolled his eyes and saluted before escorting Miranda to the med-bay, wondering if it was too late to make a suggestion barring their commander from driving ever again.

"A bunch of nutcases I've signed up with..."


A/N: Am I the only one who sees a geth armature and immediately races towards it with the sole intent of ramming it off a cliff or into the ocean? I can imagine the crew of Mass Effect 1 seeing it for the first time and screaming in terror. Apart from Wrex, because let's be honest, he'd ride an angry thresher maw.