Twenty

The world seemed different on the other side of the glass, especially when it was a world she had never been allowed to witness. The first thing that caught Katniss's attention about District 11, unfortunately, was not the immense fields with endless crops that fed all of Panem and particularly the Capitol, but the state of the District. From the train, she had already been able to spot people here and there, crouching among the crops, collecting their products, and at the end, before getting to the station, a series of houses that were almost mere shacks, even less resistant-looking than in the Seam. The scene was so familiar she could not help but feel a knot in her stomach when looking outside. It had also reminded her, helplessly, of Rue's innocence, of her sweetness, of Thresh's need to avenge her, showing his own way of honoring someone from home. That life had hardened them, yes, but it had not taken away their humanity, not even when they were forcibly led to their deaths. Just like that man who had been taken away in the square that afternoon. The stillness of the train's coach only served to further increase the memory of the commotion that had occurred not more than a few hours ago.

Katniss leaned forward, clutching the remote control of the television, taking in every detail of the show starting, with all the details of the beginning of her victory tour. What was repeated the most, while some people on a set discussed the event, were the images of her from the previous day before leaving 12. They had decided to interview Prim, along with her styling team, while her family and the entire District was there to support her and say their goodbyes. Her father appeared behind her all the time with a half-furrowed brow, looking even more solemn than herself. Thank goodness Haymitch was smiling, in an unusual gesture for him, and even Michael appeared in a good shape. It was a very strange image for Katniss, but it would undoubtedly seem idyllic to the inhabitants of the Capitol, perhaps even touching. Maybe that was what Haymitch intended, who knew. Anyway, she was already ruining everything. Why had she offered to give part of her prize to 11? She had recognized Rue's family and her entire façade had fallen apart, no doubt.

No matter how much she watched and waited for the scene she longed to witness again, despite having experienced it in person, it never came. No sign of the man who had suddenly whistled and saluted in her honor, provoking an avalanche of reactions later. The peacekeepers had quickly gone after him, just as they had jumped to drag her away from the stage. They had only included her speech, her arrival and a brief image of them greeting the mayor. Katniss leaned back against the couch and looked out the carriage window. There was nothing but pure blackness on the other side now, with hardly any lights or any other trace of human life. What should she do now? Go to each district to tell its inhabitants, who had lost their children and friends, how exciting it was to be the winner? What would happen to the people of 11? And with her family? There were only 10 more districts left, the final night at the Capitol and the banquet back home. And on all those occasions she had to continue as if nothing had happened at all.

Although the television was still on, it was the faint noise of the automatic door opening and closing that made Katniss interrupt her musing. At the door, her mentor suddenly stopped, not expecting her presence.

"What are you doing, still awake?" Katniss jerked her chin in response toward the screen. "I see. Did you think they would let anyone outside of 11 find out?"

She wasn't expecting it, no, but she wanted to make sure anyway.

"We know," she replied.

"Yes, and we better keep it that way," Haymitch replied, then sat down next to her, with a bottle and glass in hand. "Us and no one else."

It seemed impossible to her. Even if no one from 11 would get out of there, wouldn't there be some peacekeeper who would speak, or people in some other position, the mayor, perhaps? There were dozens of people accompanying her on the tour who had witnessed it too. And if someone spoke, what future would await them? Snow would cut losses without hesitation. Although she was too restless to bear the presence of anyone else, she was relieved it was Haymitch. With just a look or a quick comment he could understand what she was thinking, he always anticipated what she was worried about before she could explain herself. While her mentor poured the glass, Katniss glanced at him out of the corner of her eye. She didn't know much about alcohol, other than that they sometimes used it in 12 to warm up. It did not satisfy hunger, nor thirst. The feeling that everything was slipping out of her control had not faded since the games, only temporarily, at home. That was why Haymitch drank, among other reasons, she assumed. It had been many years since his games, many dead children in the meantime and for one who had returned home, she couldn't stop making her future more complicated.

"Don't think about it anymore," Haymitch said. "There are many days ahead and they'll want you to break down because of this. It's Snow's way of punishing the rest of us."

Katniss didn't even flinch, she was no longer looking at the screen, but at her own body. She hadn't changed yet, but her shoes were the only thing that didn't really bother her, because she had got them at home. She thought about the hands that had made them, Alder's family. She wondered if he himself had made pairs like that with his parents or his brothers before he passed, if perhaps he would've liked to follow in their footsteps, if he had lived. And there she was, knowing no better than to let emotions dominate her. She wasn't sure if she should consider it a flaw or a strength. At least she had something to feel: grief, anger, guilt.

"Do you think they killed someone for it?"

Haymitch seemed to consider it for a long moment.

"It's likely."

Katniss's fingers mindlessly slid to the mockingjay she still carried on her chest, because Cinna had allowed her to wear it.

"I provoked it." His mentor shook her head. "That's what I can't understand."

Why greet her like that? Why pay her respect in that way, knowing that it would be taken as an inappropriate gesture, a challenge?

"It's very simple, Katniss. You have shown them compassion, respect. In the games there is no place for it, let alone for friendship. Do you think Snow is compassionate? Does he want us to feel united?"

She shook her head.

"You have shown them the possibility. How they react to it is not your fault, it has been too much today. They didn't make any fuss until they dragged us all inside. This is what they do. They only know how to operate with violence and threats."

Haymitch's voice had gotten deeper, darker, more tired, too. Katniss slowly sat up and looked at him, just as exhausted. She had to be more careful, she had to really listen to his advice, that was clear.

"I'm sorry," she murmured. "I'll read Effie's cards. Just read."

Katniss quickly left for her compartment then, before she could hear if Haymitch had anything to say back. The only thing she had tried to do in the Arena was give a decent send-off to a girl as innocent as Rue, behave like a human being and not a machine without feelings. She was just a child, she was still one too, but everyone seemed to forget about it. How did they want her to react to something like that? What threat could she pose after all, a girl from 12 like her, who was of no importance? At no point had she considered anything she could do would make such a difference.

The first thing she did before changing her clothes was undo her mockingjay pin. She thought of everything it had witnessed, the people who had held it before her: Madge and her aunt and everything that had happened to her, Estee asking her if she would sing to the mockingjays, Rue and her learning to whistle, her father singing to her in the forest so many songs she shouldn't have known and that the mockingjays had spread without anyone stopping them. Tomorrow would be another day, yes, but she wouldn't remove it. She wasn't going to let that be taken from her too.

Although it was an unpleasant situation to be, touring the districts, at least there was not the madness of the Capitol, nor the fanaticism around her, nor hundreds of people waiting for her, as if she had done something worthy of acclaim. She almost preferred those detesting faces forced to be there, who day after day listened to her deliver the same artificial speech, district after district. The knot of discomfort in her stomach only transformed into a certain excitement on the way to District 4. The return home was getting closer each day, but one of the few places she was curious to discover was near too now. When the landscape transformed from vast meadows and other more arid areas to a steep terrain cut by water, it was not enough for Katniss to stick as close to the glass as she could to appreciate it.

"Incredible, isn't it?" She heard Haymitch ask her, though she didn't even turn to look at him.

She was too concentrated trying to understand the presence of that mass of dark blue water, which rocked against the cliffs without mercy, without rest. When she looked at her mentor, she found he was smiling slightly, and, unintentionally, she imitated him. Thankfully, there was something that provoked some kind of feeling in him too, something other than alcohol or anger.

"Where does it end?," she asked out loud, although she wasn't expecting any answer, she was just impressed by it.

After all, she had learned what was necessary in geography classes, she had never been such a bad student that she didn't know how oceans worked, even if her problems were more important than a failed exam.

"I doubt anyone knows what lies beyond," Haymitch answered.

The truth was that its size seemed overwhelming. This was what Finnick called home, she thought, keeping her eyes on the outside. How different would it be to swim in the sea compared to the lake in 12? It already seemed immense to her, although now she had something to compare it to, it wasn't so huge. The District 4 courthouse wasn't close enough to see the waves, but the air smelled different there. It was something Katniss had not expected, no matter how obvious it was. 12 smelled of smoke, coal and fresh grass as you walked away from the mines, while District 4 had a salty scent wafting through the air and almost sticking to your skin in a very unusual way. She didn't have much time to think about it, nor to sneak off to the beach as she would have liked: she had another afternoon of speeches and dinner with a mayor until she got back on the train again.

When it was her time to take the stage, the monotonous expression she had adopted in other districts suddenly faltered. They had prepared some platforms for the families, just like in the others, but upon recognizing Estee's parents, a woman with the same golden hair as their daughter, the rest of her family, and other boys with their parents, surely Robin's family, she had to blink several times to walk to the microphone. She wished she could say she was sorry for their loss, not that they had been a source of pride for their district and now had eternal glory. She thought of 11 and she hoped her gaze fixed on both families and a small nod would make them understand the words she couldn't pronounce. She knew Finnick would be somewhere, listening not far away, or so she hoped, but no matter how much she scanned the audience she couldn't find him. It was Haymitch, later on, when they were about to return to the train, who reminded her of him.

"You'll see your friend at the Capitol," he commented nonchalantly. "Although I still haven't decided which is better, being seen with him or not."

Katniss stopped at the step that would take her onto the carriage. Was that why he hadn't made an appearance? If she thought about it, it didn't seem very professional on his part and she wasn't in the best mood either. It wasn't a vacation, but an extended torture that was keeping her away from home.

"Will he put you in danger if he gets involved with you? Or can it make you seem closer if you appear there with him? What vision would we give?"

Was it a question? Katniss's mouth went a little dry. If she thought of herself as a character, as they all were, then she could also take advantage of it. She could if she was the girl on fire, not Katniss from District 12. Maybe she would seem more immersed in the world of the Capitol that way.

"What did he tell you at the Coronation? When you went around there with him, what did you talk about?"

Katniss stepped inside but stared at him. For someone immersed in his thoughts and bad habits, Haymitch was a more observant person than he appeared. For a second, she felt a pang of guilt in her stomach. She had judged him long before she had met him, maybe she still did sometimes, because of how he behaved.

"He told me about what happened to him."

Haymitch barely frowned, as if he expected it.

"You know what's at stake, then. After everything you've seen so far."

Katniss looked down a little and noticed him putting a hand on her shoulder. It was obvious he didn't know how to comfort her that well, but he tried. She was comforted by the gesture, knowing he was there, that there was someone looking out for her who wasn't her family and that he knew what her life was like now.

"Everyone is going to want to talk to you, just like that day," he explained. "We're so close, you just have to keep it up, Katniss. We're almost done."

She nodded and tried to smile. She had the impression that actually everything had just begun.