Drive
Rain fall from concrete coloured skies. No boy don't speak now, you just drive. Drive. Drive, take me through make me feel alive. Alive. When I ride with you.
Chapter 1: Introduction
The first thing I could hear was humming. It sounded soft at first, like you know when you're trying to get to sleep and you can hear a lone car speeding off in distance? The kind that echo's just for a moment in the safeness of your room? It was that sort of sound.
I guess my brain had already pierced it together before I was even awake. The sensation of warmth returning in each digit of my hands and feet, the slightly heavy breathing, the humming now becoming more of a low gravely murmur as every so often the black space in front of me gradually got brighter for just a single moment.
And then the other feelings came rushing back. My stomach felt like it had been gnawed from the inside, my body ached all over, and the back of my eyes felt like small stones hanging heavily in the back of my skull. Even if I wanted to, with what little awareness I had right then, I don't think it was a good idea to move.
Christ, somehow, I was alive. Sadly.
Summoning what little energy I had, I let my eyes open ever so slightly.
I didn't want him to realize I was awake.
The small slits of my aching eyes we're greeted with the soft glow of a familiar dashboard. Numbers flickered with miles per hour, the temperature and how much gas was left. It was almost close to empty; he'd have to get it filled soon. My eyes glanced over at the time, 3:14am glowed back at me, my usual time for drifting off to get a single hour of sleep before I inevitably resigned myself to staying awake.
Glancing up, through the window I could see snow falling in a light flurry, spattering in little golden-brown specs in the street lights we passed. It made me aware of how toasty and warm the car was, and how much the seat was soft. I could feel my legs pressed against my chest, and myself sink into the familiar spongy padding of the seat.
He hadn't noticed I was awake, thank Christ.
Of course, I didn't want him to know. So, with what little brain power and energy I had left I let myself shift my head slightly, pursing my lips together and making a slight moan like I was restless. I hoped it was enough, that my talent for acting was still there even despite feeling like I was still dreaming.
My eyes finally see him.
Craig.
The dull yellow light from the street lights catches his face in waves and every few second I can make out the annoyed look plastered on his face. His brow is pushed down, his lips are pursed up and tense. For Craig that isn't anything out the usual but this time it's different. I know it's different. Why?
Because I know it's to do with me.
As I stare, making sure my eyes are only just slightly open enough to catch his face I see his head tilt and glance down at me. A rush of heat hits me, it wasn't the kind of heat I had when I took his lips against mine or the kind of warm soft heat I felt when we found ourselves tangled together in a panting moaning mess, drenched in sweat wearing nothing but our bare skin. It was the kind of heat I had experienced before I first met Craig, the type that was accompanied by horrible thoughts, thoughts of people out to get me, thoughts of people out to get me, thoughts about the world being filled with nothing but evil people who only wanted to muder, rape or torture me.
'Please don't notice I'm awake.' I plead silently to myself, and thankful when he averts his eyes back to the road. The heat simmers down and relief washes over me like the hit of caffeine after a nice cup of black coffee.
But I know that won't last forever. Sooner or later, all car journey's come to an end. And when it does, I'll be forced to speak to Craig, to confront what I've done. And that alone makes the heat rise up again and simmer on the fridges of my skin.
But at least for now I can take comfort in knowing that just for a little while I don't have to deal with any of it. I don't have to deal with any of my fucked-up problems or issues. I feel safe, like I was in some sort of special place where I could weather all of the mess of thoughts and feelings without them weighing down on me. I didn't have to pretend I was fine, or normal, I didn't have to deal with all of the damn fucking pressure of everything. All I had to do was sit here. I felt safe.
So, as I laid there, I let my mind wander back to the last few months. So much happened it hard to deal with it all, but amongst all of it one thought keeps swirling around in the god damn mess that was my mind, amidst all the other bullshit clawing at me for attention.
'How did things end up like this?'
I guess it all started with the beginning of our Senior Year. Christ, how did it end up here so quickly? It seemed like only yesterday I was playing with Tolkien, Clyde and Craig. Hanging around, having sleepovers at Tolkein's house until the wee hours of the morning, playing outside in the snow and having Craig watch me helplessly try and play a new piano piece I was learning because Christ I really like impressing Craig, and every time he gave me a smile or touched me and said 'That was really good Tweek' my heart felt like it was gonna launched itself out of my chest!
But now, I dunno dude. It all just seemed so different…Like ever since middle school, life just hasn't been the same. We've all been growing up, but honestly? Sometimes I felt like I was still that young Tweek Tweak, the kind that was too scared to leave his bed to brush his teeth in case some sort of psycho heard me and tried to kill me. Everyone else seemed to have dreams for the future, ambitions about what career they wanted and here was me just trying my hardest not to lose my shit like I have been ever since elementary.
That brings me to how I felt about this being our last year of school. I didn't like it, not one bit. The routine of school was the only thing that allow me to act normal. I say act because I didn't know how to even be normal. I knew how to act that way because I knew what to expect dude. Now, all of a sudden, we we're going to be thrust into the big wide world? With all of the problems and issues that came alongside it? Christ.
It was way too much pressure, and I thought feeling like that was something I had gotten over and left behind at ten years' old, after getting my shit together with therapy and meds and having a boyfriend who was way too patient with me.
But no, here I was, feeling like nothing had changed. Like maybe nothing has changed, maybe I still was the still the same old Tweek Tweak, the same fucked up kid I have always been. That maybe all of that effort to go through therapy and finding the right balance of medication from the ripe age of ten had meant absolutely jack shit. That maybe deep down I was cursed to be a mentally fucked up head case for the rest of my life.
I say that because over the last few years something has been…..off. I couldn't exactly describe it, but if I to well try and explain it. Every so often it was like the world was covered with a thin layer of clingfilm or smeared with Vaseline. Everything seemed out of focus, like I was somehow viewing the world on some cheap shitty monitor that was on the fritz. At first, I could lie to myself, convince myself it was just a bad day, or maybe I hadn't taken the right amount of medication. They still happened; the sort that happened more frequently for little ten year old Tweek Tweak.
But this wasn't the same at all. Even at ten year's old despite how manic and scared I was about everything, I could still in my own little dysfunctional way cope with the world despite how everything scared me. Now I was struggling. Maybe I could handle a year? What about three? Or five? Make it six. There we're times where I swear my mouth felt like it was caked with chalk, or where people were speaking and I just couldn't fucking register what they we're saying. Like somehow my brain had broken and stop processing basic goddamn words.
Some nights I couldn't even sleep, not because of some horrible irrational thoughts that someone might break into my room and kill me but because of the honest to god feeling that my heart was racing for no reason at all, like it might explode. My glands throbbing and body drenched in cold sweat.
I hid it surprisingly well given how I felt, guess I was a good at pretending. Nobody had noticed anyway and I had no intention of telling anyone, not my parents and most certainly not Craig.
Me and Craig, well I loved him, but more than that I relied on him. More than anything. He was the reason I even manged to survive my childhood, he's the reason I was able to change from being a nervous wreck to a somewhat functional member of society.
We've argued though, gotten into fights, even long after our fight way back in Elementary. Some weren't bad, but some, well….some we're bad. One was really bad, I knew why it happened. I wasn't stupid or anything, I knew dealing with me was hard, it was hard enough being me so having somebody else to deal with me must be even harder. Pestering Craig at 3am, trying to get him to quell my paranoid delusions, needing his attention all the time, all of it is gonna be too much for anyone.
So, when we had a fight so bad I thought we we're gonna break up for good, well the idea alone was enough to make me want to change. Because if I did lose Craig, I'm not sure what I'd do. I didn't even want to think about it.
That's why I couldn't let him know, no matter what. I had spent so long just trying to be normal not even for myself but for Craig, so I didn't have to burden him so much that the idea I somehow might've regressed back to be that same pathetic ten-year-old would mean that all the work I put in, the endless days of trying my best to find my center, using fidget spinners, and just trying to breathe my way panic attacks would've been for nothing.
I'm not the same Tweek Tweak. I don't twitch anymore; I don't stutter or shake or break out into paranoid rants. I have changed. I have. I told myself this over and over like a mantra, desperately trying to believe it.
So, when I got up on the first day of Senior Year and like usual my head felt like it was filled with lead marbles, my body that couldn't physically lift itself from the warm cocoon of my bed covers, that all of this felt fucking pointless, I let that mantra play in my mind until I could wretch myself from my bed.
'As long as I had Craig, I'd be fine.'
That's what I told myself, but really? I felt like I was just saying that more to convince myself than anything else.
God, I loved Coffee. Out of everything it's the one thing that seemed to make life bearable, and as I sat squarely in the passenger seat of Craig's small little blue car, I nursed a small cup of the delicious black nectar. All it took was one small sip and god, it's like for a little while I could almost feel like the haze in my mind fade away. Whoever discovered caffeine in coffee was a genius.
And made me glad Craig had his license so I could enjoy this little moment before our first day back, because the idea of being surrounded by tons of people, lots of which I didn't like made me want to die.
With my eyes settling on Craig, he has his usual flat expression, tapping his finger on the steering wheel and really, he'd only gotten more attractive with age. I mean, not like he wasn't saw that way even back when we we're in Elementary school. Sweet Jesus, I remember a time the girls made a list of all the cutest boys in school, it turns out the list was a fake but apparently one time during one of our sleepovers Token said he'd figured it out that Craig was the cutest. It was probably because back then he was seen as an asshole with a mean streak which of course young girls loved.
The point is that if Craig was cute back then he was now well, hot.
He was tall even as a kid, now he had legs like tree trunks that easily made him tower over me at six foot and made it really awkward to kiss him. His jaw was defined and smooth and made him look really mature for his age. His hair was a thick jet black with long bangs brushed over to the side, and despite not doing much he had muscle, enough that along with his already good genetics added all together to make him something you'd see in one of those cheesy model magazines girls fawn over. And yet, despite all that, he still had his blue chullo hat hanging on his head, lopsided like he had shoved it on his head not giving a single shit about his appearance.
It was the kind of thing that still told me, that yes, this still was indeed the same Craig Tucker I had grown up with all these years, holding hands and listening to him spout facts about space like the huge nerd that he was.
And yet it still made me wonder what someone Craig could possibly see in someone like me. I had terrible eyes bags from lack of sleep, hair that couldn't possibly be tamed even if I brushed for hours, felt way too skinny and had weird sores that popped up on my skin, coupled with how pale my skin was made me look like some sort of anaemic drug addict. The kind that wouldn't live longer that a few years before dying of some sort of overdose.
Despite that Craig liked me, enough to deal with all of that. He was so honest, and kind and different when he was around me, which made it all the harder to hide how I was really feeling. Part of me wanted to say something, anything, just quell the aching feeling simmering away in the pit of stomach but just as the words felt like they we're on edge of my throat, Craig spoke up.
"So….Senior's huh?"
"Oh uh yeah…." I stammered, pretending like I hadn't spent the last ten minutes with an internal tirade about my boyfriend not one foot away. "Feels weird huh?"
Craig just nodded. "Bet it's gonna be a crazy year. Token's having a party for homecoming to celebrate this week you know."
"Oh really? That's uh….cool I guess."
Craig just smirked and chuckled to himself. "You really don't like parties huh?"
"Uh news flash dude, you don't like parties either." Seriously? I couldn't believe he was saying that to me. Craig didn't like most people, sweet Jesus, if Craig was locked in a room full of the majority of the 'assholes' he liked to call them that inhabited our school he'd either find the nearest blunt instrument to bash all their brains in or turn it on himself to save himself the time of being stuck with them for any longer.
"Hey, I don't hate parties. I hate people, there's a difference."
"And what are parties usually full of genius?" I jabbed at we finished pulling into the parking lot at our high school.
"Geez, look at the mouth on you. Wonder who you could've gotten that from?"
"Gee, I wonder."
Craig let out an uproarious laughter. The kind that he wouldn't be caught dead doing in front of anyone else, but as usual only I'm really privy to this sort of thing. Though for him it was more like listening to a dying record player trying to hit a high note.
The car came to a halt and in the next moment sliding neatly into a parking space. Without warning though Craig jolted forward, capturing my cheek with his large hand so fast, Jesus Christ, I struggled to catch my breathe.
"I like it when you talk like that you know. If you did it more often it would make me so happy."
"Oh….." Is all I could say as his thumb ghosted my lips, the heat rising in my cheeks. And before I knew it our lips we're locked together, my hands making their home as they had done many times underneath his signature blue hat.
I savoured these little moments between us. The little back and forth between us, the feeling of his tongue on mine, god it felt good. I could never get enough of the texture of Craig's mouth. I drank in these sensations, they were what got me through the day, reminded of why I was doing all of this. Trying to keep myself from falling apart, it was like a little reward for keeping my shit together and in that moment whatever small motivation I had to tell him slipped away. My mind was far too present fisting locks of Craig's hair to push his mouth more tightly to my own.
I honestly would've been happy to stay there like that, just me and Craig in a world of our own. Maybe then not only could I pretend that the world around me felt real for a change, that even the tongue pressed against Craig's didn't feel like dead flesh sitting flatly inside my numb and vacant mouth. With his pressed against mine it felt like it was real.
Though something cut that kiss short, feeling Craig pull away hurt since it meant that lovely feeling stopped dead in its tracks.
"Tweek…."
"What?"
"Your lip, you're biting it. It's bleeding."
"Huh?" I grazed my lips with two fingers and low and behold, what greeted me was a smudge of red blood. Oh god.
I used to bite my lips a lot, just like I used to twitch and shake. But that was before I met Craig, if I was hiding it well before I sure as shit wasn't doing a good job now.
"Are you feeling okay? Did you take your tablets, are you scared or anxious?"
"Y-Yeah. It's just um….you know nervous about Senior Year." My stuttering seemingly appearing again as if to taunt me about how I felt.
His warms hands slid under mine, and he smiled at me.
"It's okay. I'm here with you, alright honey?"
I had to greet my teeth just not to burst into tears. I wanted so badly you tell him, but I when I tried it was like a lump was in my throat or it was being crushed by something. So, I just smiled back. After all, I had dealt with it this long, this was nothing compared to all that time.
"Okay."
But any time I had to lie to Craig made the gnawing of my stomach hurt even worse
We had arrived at school reasonably early, the Autumn sunrise and rustling of leaves really hammering home this was our final year. Personally, I just wanted to get it through today, this year, whatever and just get home. It was hard enough just being in a place with so many people, but it was worse now that the school was abuzz with talks Homecoming, banners hanging everywhere, people chatting or the loud commotion like 'Oh my god, can you believe we're seniors?' or 'Dude, you seen Red? Damn, she's hot, wonder if she's got a date for homecoming' or even worse people pestering me with 'Hey, make sure to check out our bake sale to raise funds for Prom-' Argh, Christ just leave me alone!
Honestly, I just didn't like most people. If Craig found others annoying or irritating, I found them to be a threat. People just scared me dude, you didn't know what they we're gonna do. It wasn't helped that some of the students here looked like they we're less like teenagers and more like fully grown adults or roidheads man!
I won't bore you with the details of school because even if I wanted to, I couldn't really remember. My eyes felt like lead weights at the back of my skull, and the corners of the room felt like they we're bleeding into each. I was fortunate most of my classes we're rather uneventful shit that didn't really matter, that or I didn't really care. My GPA was good enough that I'd graduate, that was enough for me.
The only thing that mattered really was music class since I actually did care about that one.
Our music class was located at the far end of school. It was a big room, white walls with tacky royal blue fur padding for the flooring that made Tweek Bro's look like it was designed by Michelangelo. Issues with the décor aside, the main reason I like being here is the piano in the adjacent practice room. Our school was fortunate enough to have a baby grand (a Yamaha to be exact) courtesy of some creative grant the school was given. I loved playing it almost as much as I love coffee, the sound was crisp and clean and echoed in the most delightful way possible, Jesus Christ it was heavenly. If I didn't have other classes I could easily have just spent the entirety of the school days letting my fingers dance across it's pearly white keys.
That day back though, my fingers we're hitting keys but they might as well have been hitting dead space because they felt like they we're hitting nothing at all. No matter how many scales, chords or arpeggios I played my fingers felt dull, like someone had taken all the nerves and singed them off one by one.
I was thankful that the room for practice was separate from the band room so nobody had to see me 'arghh'-ing in frustration. I swear to Christ, I was one bad note away from slamming the keys in frustration. 'Breathe Tweek, you're not ten year's old for Christ's sake, get a grip.'
Just as I was ready to start pulling at my hair….
"Yo Tweek." I heard a familiar voice ring in my ears before getting caught in a bear hug. "We're Senior's my man, can you believe it?" He grinned, only now instead of supporting his usual orange parker he had an unkempt beard. Didn't really matter, he could still easily lay every cheerleader, if he managed whilst smelling like a garbage disposal then well, nothing could stop him.
Yes, I'm talking about the guy who knew in detail the full female reproductive system before I even knew I liked guys, Kenny McCormick.
You see, most people take classes just to bump their grade up. Music wasn't exactly all that hard depending on the instrument you chose (theory was a different story) so Kenny chose the triangle. Well can't fault him for being smart in that sense. I took Piano and had my work cut out for me.
The main problem with Kenny, his issues with personal space aside, was that he was very perceptive. If you were hiding something, anything, it didn't matter what he'd find out. Christ man, it was scary, and he pissed a lot of people off that way, so the last thing I wanted was to deal with him when I was already struggling to deal with my own issues let alone hide them.
Still, I guess we we're friends? Though it could just be Kenny's sort of attitude towards everybody. Kenny was a nice guy, even past his Cheshire grins, and suave sort of attitude, I don't think I ever saw him not working in City Wok pretty much anytime outside of school. Quite frankly I'm not sure how he manages to do it given how little he seems to eat (I feel bad most of the time and try and give him leftovers I have at the coffee shop) and I'm pretty sure the only reason he does that is for his little sister Karen so she can afford extra classes.
But right now that didn't matter, because I could still feel my life was stuck in some unruly dream.
"Kenny! For god's sake dude!" I snapped.
"Yeesh, someone's grouchy. What's the matter dude? We're Senior's man, you should be jumping for joy."
"I've gotta practice dude."
"Oh come on Tweek, cut the bull dude. You're the only person who plays on that Piano, I barely think anyone else uses it. And I've heard you play, you're an ace on the thing. Come on, live a little."
God Kenny really knew how to sweet talk. I love compliments, Craig gave them to me as well and I siphoned them up, like an addict who need their next fix. Still, I hadn't played anything good today so I wasn't up for believing anyone.
"I'm not an ace dude! I can barley string together one arpeggio sometimes!"
"Arepegg-what?"
"Christ dude, have you learned nothing from our lessons?"
"Nah, not really. Other than that, I'm a boss at playing the triangle." And as if to demonstrate he pulled out the triangle from his bag, cleared his throat and did a very theatrical ding. Okay, maybe that got a smirk out of me, which was bad since Kenny took this as an excuse to wrap his arms around me tighter.
"Kenny seriously knock it off, or no more freebies."
"Woah, woah okay okay." He released me from his death grip and waved his hands, pleading "You're upset about something, I won't push."
That's Kenny alright. Get angry and swear at him and he'd just sit and smile, threaten to beat him up he'd probably do much worse to you, I mean have you seen how's he's grown up? Threaten him with food though? Dude, would gladly do whatever you say.
Still, he made me feel a little better. My fingers felt the smooth sensation of the glossy keys instead of just dead space and the fog around my brain felt a little clearer.
"Thanks Kenny."
"Woah, was my triangle that good?"
"Yeah." I let out a small smile. "I guess it was."
Kenny sat there for a while listening to me play. I figured I was gonna make the most of feeling a little better. My fingers felt the smooth sensation of the glossy keys as I hit some random notes and before long I found myself playing at a comfortable pace. Nothing special, just some Bach, hopefully to keep he nerves in fingers actually with it this time.
"So, I hear Token's having a huge Homecoming party?"
I nodded. Though my face probably gave it away how much I really didn't like parties, this time I wasn't doing anything to hide it unlike with Craig. My brows scrunched in probably disgust, because the notion of being trapped in Token's mansion surrounded by awful deafening pop music and horny teenagers sounded like my equivalent of hell. If trusting people is hard, adding alcohol and teenager hormones made it sound like a recipe to have me wake up the next day in an ice bath with a kidney missing.
"Woah, seems to me like someone really doesn't want to go?"
"Are you….um going?"
He raised an eyebrow and smirked. "Are you really asking me that?" Yeah, guess that was a dumb question, any place that had free booze and potentially free food guaranteed Kenny would be there.
"I mean….Craig is going so I don't have much choice."
"Oh, aren't you two just the cutest. I'm sure you'll both have a good time."
"What's that supposed mean?"
"Come on Tweek, you've been dating since elementary dude. You can't tell me you haven't fucked yet."
I didn't answer, my cheeks just flushed bright red. And that was all Kenny needed to figure it out.
"Wait, you guys haven't? Holy shit, seriously? You guys have been together longer than anyone else I've known."
"It's just….I'm not ready right now." I let out in a pathetic whisper.
It's true. Me and Craig had done…stuff. I wasn't exactly ignorant of sex, I knew I liked guys since I was eight year's old. We'd given each other hand jobs, blown each other but regarding sex well the last thing I wanted to was to have sex given how I felt. I mean, It was hard enough just coping day to day, if I had sex I knew I wouldn't be able to hide it in front of Craig, how I was really feeling.
Thankfully Craig understood, or at least he hadn't asked me about it. That was good enough for me.
"Oh, okay."
"What? Not gonna badger me about that?"
"Look dude, everyone's different, I mean just because I sleep around doesn't mean everyone else does. I'm just surprised that's all."
The bell rang thankfully before Kenny could change his mind.
"So Tweek." Kenny rubbed his hands. "About those uh freebies."
I thought maybe after that morning things might stay the way I had felt after Kenny had inadvertently cheered me up. But that couldn't be further from the truth. It was stupid of me to think that it might. Nothing had changed for six years, so why would anything be any different now?
It seemed to come in waves, some times it would let up and other times the fatigue would hit me with enough force I had to bite the inside of my cheeks just to try and focus.
It's tiring. Like my life was repeating the same thing over and over. The same cycle repeating indefinitely, like Groundhog Day.
Sometimes I wonder why I bothered? Maybe staying in bed that morning and pretending to be sick would've been better. Still, I was here now so that's all that mattered.
As I got to our usual table Clyde was yammering on about Seniors. God, what was so good about being a Senior? You come to the same place, same as last year, only now people never seem to shut up about it because what? You're going to leave school? Because of parties? Why was that a good thing!? Craig was sitting there too, so I took the seat next to him and slid my hand into his. Kenny made his home in the seat next to mine.
"Hey." I said, as I nestled into his arm.
"Hey, you alright honey?"
"Yeah….just tired." I groaned.
It wasn't far from the truth; I did feel tired just for unexplainable reasons. Reasons I had long since given up trying to understand. Even if I did get a full night's sleep (which granted was rare for me) it didn't seem to matter. It was the type of tired that sleep couldn't seem to fix. I guess I should've been grateful it wasn't my heart beating out of my chest, or my body trembling, or me pathetically stuttering and twitching.
Plus, it made for a good excuse. Nobody would question me being tired, that's something that I'd always had problems with.
I picked up my bag and robotically it over to Kenny, murmuring to 'save me a little' before getting cosy on Craig's arm.
"God, do you two have to gay up the room so much?" With the voice presumably being Clyde's earning him a middle finger from me. Craig seemed to like that, because I felt his hand rustle my hair and a small kiss place on my forhead.
"Good thing Tweek did that for me, otherwise I'd sock you in the arm."
"Geez, gays really are bitchy."
"Better than being fat. Guess you're still sore about Bebe breaking up with your fatass, huh?"
"I am not fat Craig! I'm on the football team!"
"Yeah, and so is Cartman and he's still fat.
"Yeah, well guess who's going Token's party with Bebe?"
I'd say they we're both mean to each other, but honestly this just seemed to be how Clyde and Craig communicated. Most of us we're like that, barring Tolkein who preferred not to get involved and was usually the one to deescalate any sort of situation if say Craig ended up at Clyde's throat.
"Oh, I know, it's me right?" Kenny chimed in; his voice was smooth as silk.
"Uh no dude, it's me."
"That's what you think."
"Kenny, bro come on. Don't be hitting on Bebe, you've got plenty of chicks you could be with."
"I'll consider it if you save me some of your taco."
Amidst all the rambling Craig nudged me, probably to make sure I hadn't fallen asleep. "Hey, you should eat something."
"I'm not really hungry." I could easily fall asleep on, his jacket, it was comfy and smelled exactly like him. It felt great as a makeshift pillow.
"I know but you need to keep your energy up babe." I opened eyes enough to see Craig give Kenny that look, the look of 'If you eat all of Tweek's food, I will kick your ass.'
Kenny didn't even miss a beat. "Don't worry Godzilla, I wasn't planning on leaving your bf famished." Before glancing back at me "Give Miss Tweek my regards Tweek she's amazing, seriously those sandwiches are amazing. Now Clyde about that Taco…"
"What!? I'm not even finished!"
"You're fat enough, you'd be better off giving all of your taco's to Kenny. Maybe you'd actually lose some weight and Bebe wouldn't end up pregnant at eighteen with an overweight crybaby."
"I fucking hate you Craig." Clyde whined but it was just business as usual as far as I was concerned. Craig would probably lose interest in teasing Clyde after a while and Clyde was laughing as always
Trying my best to zone out from the bickering, I attempted to eat what my Mom had made. Chicken salad sandwiches on ryebread with a light vinaigrette packed neatly in a nice thin brown sheet of disposable wrapping paper. She always liked making fancy sandwiches for the shop, my appetite didn't agree with me on that though. I knibbled a little at it, but the chicken just tasted like flat and flavourless against my tongue, the vinaigrette far too sickly and the bread like flaky sponge in mouth. I only finished a few bites before the thought of eating anymore made me sick and even then, I had to force myself to eat a little more. I knew if Craig would probably be concerned and I'd rather not deal with that right now.
God what was wrong with me? I am going crazy? Was everything just supposed to taste and feel like shit?
And then as if the world itself heard me, in that moment, a feeling of dread hit me. It was stronger than anything else. Every nerve in my body felt like it was on fire, my skin, my hands, everything. And suddenly I could hear my heart, one thump and then another. Pounding over and over, getting sharper and faster in my ears until it was practically screaming at me. Like an ambulance siren. An ambulance? Maybe it's coming for me. Tweek Tweak, dead at seventeen. 'I'm dying' that's the only thought that came rushing through my head. The world around me felt dead and empty and I couldn't breathe, every time I tried it felt like my lungs were filled with cement.
We're people talking? Was that Kenny next to me? Clyde? Token? People might've been talking but all I could hear was a ringing noise. Blurred mouths opening and closing but nothing was coming into my ears.
And then in a single instant I snapped back to reality. Like I had just had my consciousness flung several different dimensions.
And I could hear name being called out.
"-week."
"What!?"
Suddenly I could see everyone staring. Clyde, Craig, Kenny and Tolkein.
"Tweek we've been calling you for like minute. The bell just rang." Tolkein said.
"Oh….."
"Dude, you look pale. Are you..sure you're okay?"
"Y-Yeah." God Tweek, don't start stuttering. "I just….need some coffee and I'm going to my class!" I spluttered out quickly before swinging my bag around my back and bolting off to fourth period which was Geography.
I ended up at a row of lockers, wrenched my thermos from my bag and in one fluid motion took a huge gulp and downed half the thing. As felt the black nectar hit my lips, I felt some of the feeling fade and silently thanked my parents, if I didn't have coffee right now, I don't know what I'd do.
I had no idea what the fuck that was bit my tongue trying to steady myself but, on the inside, I was freaking out, no, not just that. I was terrified. 'In through your nose, out through your mouth' is what Dr Norris always said but that seemed far too simple for this. My breath and heart we're still ringing in my ears and despite doing my best to control my nerves.
'I'll be fine'. I had tried to tell myself.
But deep down, I could still feel the trembling of my heart as I bit in the inside of cheeks.
The rest of that day I didn't feel there at all. Over my next few classes, I answered questions like a normal human being when my teacher called on me, or when I but it was almost like I was mechanically responded to them. Like my brain was broken and I was replying on instinct or some sort of auto pilot. Tweek wasn't really there at all. My mind was away in a faraway place, and everyone's voice felt like background static. A dull hum, like the hum of a fluorescent bulb that faded into the background.
My hands felt weird, I tried poking the left with my right hand, it felt like it was dead flesh tingling, like a thousand tiny ants we're crawling and writhing under my skin. Suddenly the room felt like I was viewing it on a tv screen, like I wasn't there at all.
My classes felt pointless, everything felt like it had been sapped of life, the classroom in front of me felt like it was enveloped in fog, like I was trying to think through mud. As I sat there in my last period which was Art class, I swear I could feel the walls melting like candle wax. Drip drip dripping, before I had realized it the bell rang for the end of school and I could scarcely remember the last few hours that comprised the day.
As I wandered still on auto pilot out of the school gates, the sky looked how I felt. It was cold, and winter nights we're closing in. It looked like an ocean of ice, and each little indent in the sky a wave. Cold, empty, numb. Little flakes of snow fluttered down at my side as everyone else marched out
"Tweek."
I turned. It was Craig, he didn't look happy.
"Dude, what the hell, I've been texting you all day?
"I've been worried dude! Why did you bolt at lunch?"
"I…"
I wanted to say, I wanted to tell him everything. The pain, the swirling thoughts, the pervading numbness that filled my very core, the horrible sensations, the feeling of my life being stuck in some sort of perpetual nightmare, all of it. But I couldn't….my body refused to do anything, the words stuck in my throat, hung there as pressure stung the back of my eyes.
In the end all I could do was pathetically mutter out an apology, like it somehow made up for it.
Craig didn't say anything, he just looked at me as the chill of the frigid night air hit us. His yellow eyes squinting as if scanning my face for….something? Maybe he somehow felt it, how I really felt, or maybe after all these years of dating he could see something others couldn't.
Or maybe I was just losing it, my ability to hold my nerves and pretend like I was okay.
Whatever it was, Craig just sighed a sharp breath and before I could realize it I felt Craig's large arms wrap around me and pull me into a firm bear hug. I didn't fight it, I just let myself sink into the warmth of his chest, taking in his scent. He smelled like floral fabric softener because Craig was obsessed with doing laundry routinely every weekend. There was something else though, something I couldn't describe in words even if I had an entire year to try and think them up, but encompassed Craig perfectly. I guess manly was the only word that came to mind.
I almost felt like I was gonna cry right there.
"Come on, I'll take you home."
He didn't say anything else to me, just released me from his death grip before we both wordlessly got into his car, engine springing to life. I nestled comfortably in Craig's seat, still spaced out and just sat there as we made our way home.
Neither of us said anything, a few minutes passed like that. The one feeling though that registered in my mind was well…it was awkward. Craig was tapping his fingers on the steering wheel, lips pressed firmly together.
It was his thinking face.
Craig wasn't good with words, he tried but anytime he tried it came across as sarcastic at best and condescending at worst. Most of the time he was better as showing it with actions, usually either kissing, hugging, or well other things I was far too embarrassed to speak about as of right now. But the point was, for Craig if I was expecting him to say something sweet or sappy to even try and make me feel better let alone considering how I currently felt, well we could be here a long while.
So, I should've guessed he had something planned when instead of taking our usual road home we took a sharp turn left around the edge of South Park.
"Hey Craig, we missed the turn."
"I know."
"Dude where are we going?"
"You'll see." He smiled.
It didn't take me long to find out though. Craig pulled up and to my left the familiar sight of a grassy field, flowers and most importantly a large lake sat right in front of me.
"Stark's Pond? Really?"
"Come on, I want to show you something."
"Craig I….just want to go home."
"Come on, it's this way."
I huffed, god this was annoying. I got out of the car and stomped my way over to where Craig was already waiting at the grassy edge of the lake. I know we used to come here as kids sometimes and play, sometimes me and Craig would roll up our trousers and dangle our legs against the cool water in summer time. But he was crazy if he thought I was gonna do that it's freezing ass temperatures. I could get hypothermia and die or something.
Craig just sat down near the edge of the brook where the moonlight touched the edge and patted the snowy ground next to him.
"Come on, sit."
"Craig, you're gonna get your jeans wet dude."
"So?" He smiled.
God he was being weird, and and completely un-Craig like. Any other time I would've found it endearing but right now I really was just worn out. Still, I humoured him, just sighed and sat down. It would be easier to just get this over with so I could go back home. Of course, when I sat down nothing changed, the only thing that greeted me was the normal looking pond, except you know it was dark so I was more concerned with falling into the lake.
"What am I supposed to be looking at dude?"
"What?" He laughed "You don't see it?"
"God Craig, what is it!?" I shrieked, probably louder than I should but this was pissing me off. He brought me out in here in the cold night and for what? I didn't want to spend what limited brain power I had left trying to play mind games.
But then Craig's smile dropped, and he just defaulted to his usual flat expression and Christ that was the last thing I wanted. Craig might be good at not giving a fuck be he was human just like anyone else, maybe nobody else would see it, they'd think Craig was some emotionless robot but I could. I could see the slight way his eyes flickered down and the corners of his lips tensed. So as if to muster some sort of apology I grabbed his hand, it was cold. God, why we're we out here? This is stupid, Craig is supposed to be the more rational one of us two and here I was like we'd somehow switched bodies.
But as I grabbed his hand my eyes caught it, the sky was filled with tons of stars. There wasn't much light here and South Park was a small town. The sky was this vibrant night blue, the kind you get just as it's turning night and in it was a ton of small little glowing dots. It was beautiful, like an ocean filled with bright gemstones.
"You do remember, don't you? When we first met?" He said, soft and fragile, like a small whisper.
"Of course I do." The faint memories sweet and pleasant we're permanently fixed inside my brain. I would never, no couldn't ever forget them.
That's when me and Craig we're completely different. Everything scared me back then but somehow I had the courage to get into a fight with Craig. Craig, known for being scary, a kid with a bad reputation that lots of parents didn't like. It was the day I really came to see who Craig really was.
Most importantly though I remember the courage I had to speak to him for the first time when we spent the night in Hell's Pass hospital. God, it seemed like so long ago and yet the memories of it still came rushing back. It was the first time I saw the stars.
Suddenly it all made sense, this was his way of trying to cheer me up. Heat rose in my cheeks but as it did the hollow cavity in my stomach soon took care of that. Guilt, guilt because I couldn't tell Craig how I really felt. I was just too scared.
Before I could find myself wrapped up in another episode again, I felt his other hand rest on mine.
It was warm.
"Tweek... what's wrong?"
"Nothing wrong."
He sighed. "Look Tweek, I know somethings up dude."
"There's nothing wrong." I gritted my teeth to try and stop the burning at the back of my eyes.
"Then what about at lunch?"
"I…I felt sick, okay?"
He sighed "Look I didn't want to say anything since you've been you know fine for a long while and all but….you've been acting weird all of last month. I mean, it's been hard to speak to you. Sometimes I say something and it's like….it's like you're not even listening."
"That's…that's not true." My voice was pathetic, I couldn't even meet Craig's eyes. No, I thought I had been hiding it well. I'm normal, not going crazy I….I'm not.
"I tried speaking to you last week about Token's party and you just zoned out on me. When I mentioned it this morning it was like you just heard me talk about it for the first time."
"I just forgot….ghh"
And then as if to mock me my body let out an ugly twitch. My right eye jerked closed and my arm jolted. Even if I had been pretending well I just blew it.
"Tweek …you're twitching dude, I can't remember the last time you did that." His hands cupped mine as he kissed the top. "You wouldn't be doing that if you were okay."
"I told you I'm….fine."
"Please Tweek, talk to me." He cooed in my ears softly.
I didn't say anything, and Craig didn't either. We both just sat there as the wind echoed and tree's rustled like giant dark waves in the distance. A few bits of snow made a home on the edge of my fingers. If I acknowledged it, then I couldn't pretend anymore and just saying it would make it more real but it was hard for me to even cope. For as long as I had dealt with this it had been easier with Craig here and to pretend like I was fine but now I felt like I was going to break down completely. And I was terrified because I didn't know what would happen if I did. Would Craig hate me? Once he knew I was completely batshit insane or potentially going schizo would he ditch me?
The thought alone made me want to fall into the icy pond water. Just sink into the cold water and disappear from everyone and everything.
"I..." "I…can't tell you."
"Why not?"
"I just..I can't."
A few more moments of painful silence later, Craig hit me question I really wasn't expecting.
"You're not…cheating on me are you?"
"What!? No!"
"Okay, I was just asking"
"Who would I even do that with!?"
"I dunno but, you're certainly cute enough." His hand reached up and pressed his thumb against my cheek.
I could only really laugh bitterly at his attempts to try and make me feel better. I couldn't meet his eyes, I wasn't used to compliments, even when Craig paid them to me so I could only shirk my head to avoid meeting them.
"Only you'd say that."
"Is that's what's wrong? That's you're not attractive enough for me? We've been dating for seven years Tweek. If I didn't like you I wouldn't be with you."
When I didn't say anything back he just continued.
"Do you…really need me to say it?" He was looking away, scratching at the back of his head as the words came out unsteady. "I mean…I will you know I just thought I didn't have to."
I shook my head, of course he didn't. I knew on some level deep down that Craig loved me, that's what made it so hard. As I gripped the edges of my jeans tightly with my free left hand, I took a deep breathe. Another part of me couldn't understand how anyone could find me attractive or tolerable so if only to make myself feel better and give him some leeway I whimpered out a single question.
"Why, do you like me?"
"I mean….there's lots of reasons."
"Really? I said more so in disbelief that there we're more than one.
"Yeah, you're blonde."
"What?"
"I mean, Blonde's are uh…cute I guess?"
An then it was like all the tension that built up just disappear and I was laughing. I wasn't sure if I was laughing because I was expecting something more romantic or because it so very much like Craig to be so clumsy and blunt in what he said. At first, he looked upset, probably because he was trying to be serious but then he started to laugh as well. God we probably both looked stupid but it made me feel a little better and that was all Craig seem to need to drop the subject.
"Let's get out of here, it's freezing."
Finally, we pulled up to home. I could feel my room calling me and most importantly my bed. Despite feeling a little better, my head still sagged against my skull, and I could feel my eyes sharping burning a hole behind them.
"Tweek?"
"Hmm?"
"Look, I mean, I know you have been doing better these days and I don't wanna you know force you to tell me things if it's hard. But you can talk to me you know that don't you?"
I forced a smile on my lips.
"Of course, it's just….Senior Year you know. I've been worried a lot about College and stuff so I'm sorry I've been acting weird."
I did feel a little better, maybe that's why Craig didn't say anything, he just pressed a kiss to my lips and smiled before waving.
When I got back inside I didn't bother speaking to my parents instead I went to my room, shut the door and let myself collapse onto my bed. All the tears I held back come flowing out. By the time I was done crying, I somehow fell asleep right then and there.
I couldn't remember the last time I had managed to fall asleep so easily.
Before I met Craig everything seemed scary. The world, people, places, all of it seemed like it might hurt me in some unimaginable fashion. This extended to everyone, even people at school I'd known since preschool, they all felt like they we're out to get me. My mind was filled with vivid thoughts about how they might try and hurt me, pretending to be friend one moment and then backstab me the next. How'd they'd play nice, only to bitch about me behind their backs for being weird, or a spaz or twitching all the time. 'They're liars!' My mind told me. 'They just want to hurt you!' Another shouted at me. 'If you open up to them they will USE IT AGAINST YOU!'. And every time I tried to ignore them, whenever they said something like 'god Tweek, what did your parents do to you?' My mind screamed 'Told you so!'
They got one thing right at least; it was my parents' fault.
Always telling me to not to trust people, constantly giving coffee to me every since I was younger, it's no wonder I turned out to be such a fucking spaz and a head case. I barely slept which made things harder, my mind was a daze at the best of times and filled with horrible thoughts the rest. Christ dude, I'm surprised I managed to survive as a ten-year-old without killing myself.
It's probably why Craig always seemed such an enigma for someone like me. And why I found him so alluring. For me who found everything scary, especially people (because they might try to rape or murder me or Christ both! And throw my body in a dumpster when they were finished to be eaten by rats!) Craig didn't seem to be phased by anything. People, situations, school, it was written all over his face how he felt. Either his face was flat or rarely he looked pissed off. His voice perfectly represented him, nasally and disinterested, like everything was a bore. Even when teachers we're mad he'd just flip his middle finger up and all I could think was 'Jesus Christ, doesn't he realize how much trouble he's in!?'
I still remember the first time I really met Craig. By that I didn't mean the first time we'd spoke, or the first time I'd laid eyes on him or the first time I heard his voice that sounded like he had a constant case of a bad cold. It was the first time I had a real conversation with anyone, and that boy was Craig.
It was when me and him we're nursing a broken nose, sprained arm and bruised ribs in Hell's pass. We really had beaten each other within in an inch of our life, so much so we need stitches.
I hated hospitals but having to stay in for a night was easily the worst experience my ten-year-old mind could fathom, not helped by the fact that Hell's Pass was a pretty shitty hospital. Wallpaper was faded and scratched away, the floor was tiled in black and white squares, and the window was grated like something out of an insane asylum. To make matters worse the only company I had was a boy snoring a few feet away and the giant moon in the sky.
My mind was filled with nothing but a rush of horrible thoughts and my eyes glanced in the direction of the darkness. I couldn't sleep, it never seemed to come as easy to me as it did for other boys and girls like the one lying next to me. Instead, my brain was making my life a living hell, images of men with knives, malformed nurses with syringes filled with god knows what and the feeling of a hand crawling up my leg whilst a man smiled at me, trying to grope me, flashed in my mind when I tried to sleep so all I could do was rock myself back and forth and desperately try to breathe.
But then the horrible realisation hit me.
I need to use the bathroom.
That means I needed to cross the threshold from my safety of my bed and actually venture out into the darkness that was currently causing me to freak the fuck out. What if I went to the door and some crazy pyscho nurse tried injecting with a syringe full of sedatives and then tried raping my corpse? Jesus Christ, I'm gonna die. I honestly felt like I was gonna die and suddenly my hands we're in my hair, pulling.
Breathe, Christ, I needed to breathe. Dr Norris my therapist always told me about finding my center, so I took a few deep breaths and closed my eyes trying to ground myself.
It took a few seconds; my mind was still screaming but it helped me pluck up the courage to try.
Tentatively I put one foot out and touch the floor with my big toe before jerking it back and slamming my eyes closed, awaiting my inevitable death, I'm sure whatever was out there had heard me move and was now drawing closer.
However as I opened my eyes, I was greeted with….nothing.
So, I did it a few more times, just to be sure you know, until my foot hit the floor entirely and nothing changed. The only thing I heard was the boy snoring next to me.
Suddenly I felt a rush of confidence? Happiness? It was an alien feeling, everything in my life was driven by being scared so why did I feel so happy?
With that feeling I moved out of bed, still shaking but standing. I moved quickly, only in my confidence I had done something really stupid. The cable connected to the weird humming machine next to me, my foot had caught it and I went tumbling to the floor smacking my head and letting out a pained cry as a searing pain hit me.
It hurt, it really hurt and already I could feel the tears stinging my eyes as something warm dripped down from my head.
Oh god! I was bleeding! I screamed.
"What are you doing?"
Removing my head from the floor, I made out Craig looking down at me. He didn't look happy to see me, which only made the feeling of hitting the floor even worse and I started bawling.
I had heard about Craig before we had fought. People said he was a bad kid, that he was mean and a bad influence on others and that other kids wouldn't play with him for this reason. That he had a mean streak and that something I could tell from experience when we fought each other.
"Can you keep it down twitch? I'm trying to sleep."
So now, not only was a I hurt, possibly going to die from hitting my head on the floor and would likely bleed out from inside my brain, now I had Craig, this horrible kid who would gladly be mean to anyone, giving me shit all whilst I was still wiping tears from my eyes.
All of this together made me shout out.
"F-Fuck you asshole."
Oh god, I just said that to Craig. He was probably gonna kill me, I heard the bed creak and now I was sitting there helpless, I knew I shouldn't have gotten out of bed. This was it I was finally gonna be murdered by him which would be easier because I was bleeding to death. As I closed my eyes I whimpered as I choked out a few more sobs.
But instead, I felt something soft pressed against my head.
I looked up and saw Craig, his tongue was out of his mouth like he was focused.
"W-What are you doing!?"
"Stopping the bleeding, duh. How else am I supposed to get to sleep with you screaming all over the place?"
I noticed he didn't have a shirt on, it was pressed firmly against my head. I could make out his slim frame and felt a small blush burn on my cheeks.
"T-Thanks."
"Sure. Whatever Twitch."
We both sat there, on the floor for a while. The moonlight allowed me to get a better look at Craig, his right eye was black and puffy and his left cheek was cut with red cuts welting and a bandage across from his mouth. Despite that though his face was flat like it didn't even matter. Looking at him closer like this though I could see how long his legs we're. Mine we're small and thing, where as his were thicker and longer like tree trunks. His eyes we're a yellow and glinted like glowing gemstones.
He was looking at me, staring, and it started to make me feel uneasy.
"W-What?" I blurted out.
His lips pressed together, like he was thinking of what to say.
"…. You're shaking."
"I'm just….scared."
"Scared?"
"Yes dude! I mean um….Christ. There could be serial murders out there in this hospital! And rapists, and psychopaths and serial kidnappers who want to take my organs and sell them on the black market!"
And then something happened which shocked me. I had known about Craig since I first began elementary but in that moment his mouth curved into a smile and he laughed, it wasn't just a small laugh either it was a boisterous laugh, the kind that came deep from your stomach.
"You're funny, kid."
I didn't really know how to take this, it was so surprising so all I could do was scowl.
"It's not funny dick."
"…I mean, it's just funny dude. Like, it's so illogical. You must have a cool imagination." He smiled.
"It's not cool at all! It's scary and terrifying! I can't even go to the bathroom on my own because of how scared I am! You think that's cool? Agh Jesus, I wish I was more like you! You're not scared of anything!" I rambled on and on.
"…Oh." He said and face went back to it's usual flat face.
And then he wretched my hand forward and pulled me up.
"What are you doing!?"
"…You need to use the bathroom?"
"Um yeah but…." I stared at the door and was looked away.
"Then I'll protect you."
"Huh?"
"If we come across anything I'll protect you."
"Promise?"
"...Promise."
And true to his word Craig pulled me up and opened the door. I held onto him shaking as we braced the darkness. I was so afraid I was worried I might wet myself, so I scrunched my eyes closed, shaking with every step. I focused on Craig's hand like it was some sort of magic that protected me from all the scary things in the world. Like If I just focused on it I'd be fine.
"We're here."
I opened my eyes. In what felt like no time at all we we're down the hall and at the bathroom, which was bathed in warm light, like we'd just teleported through all the scary parts of the hospital and magically we we're hear.
I felt a weird gooey feeling bubble from in my stomach. All the fear and bad thoughts seemed to disappear, like it washed them all away.
"Craig, y-you're amazing!" I beamed.
Craig simply looked at me eyebrow raised. "…Um thanks?"
I did my business, peeing and then washing the market where my head was. It was just a small cut, normally I'd be freaking out, I'd be worried it was gonna get infected or maybe it was a sign I'd bleed out. But all of that seemed like white noise compared to the new feeling in my stomach. It was Craig, Craig had made all the scary things disappear.
We made our way back to the room, Craig's hand carrying me as before making our way back to bed.
As I snuggled back into my bed I felt I had to let some of that happiness bubble out.
"Craig?"
A 'mmmmm' came back.
"Thank you."
"For what?"
"Oh erm…nothing."
He sighed and turned to face me, a small flicker tugged at the corner of his lips.
"No problem Twitch."
"It's um….Tweek."
"Oh."
And then he simply turned to the other side of his covers and a few moments later was snoring.
People said Craig was a bad kid, and despite pummeling each other I still found him scary. But despite that, he stopped me bleeding and helped me go to the bathroom. Not only that but he smiled and laughed, emotions I didn't even know Craig was capable of showing. Just being around him seemed to make all the scary thoughts in my head disappear and soon after I nestled myself under the covers I was out like a light.
I didn't have many friends, but in that moment, I knew I wanted to be friends with Craig.
It also made me realize that in that moment all it took was a small bit of courage for me to get over whatever was scaring me. Because of that I got to meet Craig, Craig who had been a constant in my life ever since. If I hadn't had the courage to do that we might've never spoke to each other and I'd have never got to be with him. I'd never have stopped twitching or released there was more to life than being scared and afraid each and every day.
I realized then, that I need to tell Craig.
If I could do it as young and scared Tweek, then I should be able to do it as older Tweek.
