Clem tossed and turned as she tried to get comfortable. Her head felt light and the dim little hotel room was now almost pitch black. She should have enjoyed having a real bed again, but it did nothing to comfort her troubled mind. The sliver of moonlight coming in from the widow slightly deluded the darkness, making this strange and unfamiliar room twist in front of Clem's eyes as she searched for any familiar sights for comfort.
Eventually, Clem gave up on sleep and just sat up, taking care not to wake Sarah or Omid. Her head felt heavy and some distant sound was nagging at her ears. Clem couldn't identify it, and it didn't sound close, but whatever it was annoyed her. She took a deep breath and looked over, expecting to see Sarah resting with Omid in her arms; the bed was empty.
"Sarah?" said Clem as she looked around the room. "Sarah?" she repeated a little louder as she stood up. Clem didn't get an answer. Looking around, her eyes adjusting to the low light, she noticed the bathroom door was open. As she crept forward, the sound got louder. It was like wet pasta being hastily stirred around in her ears. Clem felt her heart beating faster as she moved into the bathroom. "Sarah?"
The first thing Clem saw was Omid lying on the bathroom floor, his stomach ripped out into a bloody mess of entrails and an expression of unbridled terror permanently etched onto his now lifeless face.
"Omid!" Sarah suddenly spun around, blood running down her mouth and a crazed look in her milky eyes."No! God no..."
Sarah let out a savage groan and Clem felt her instincts kick in. She ran as fast as she could, charging through the darkness and colliding with the bed. Clem fell onto the floor and felt a horrible pain shoot through her already sore shoulder when she hit the ground. She scurried across the carpet towards her backpack sitting in the corner. She ripped it open, pulled out her gun, and spun around, her finger on the trigger.
"Clem?" Clem watched as Sarah sat up on the bed, Omid crying loudly as he climbed onto her.
"Sarah… you're alive." Looking around, Clem just noticed it was morning and light was pouring in past the thin curtains. "Oh, thank…"
"Wait… is that?" Sarah's eyes went wide with shock as she realized what was in Clem's hands. "What… what are you doing with that?" asked Sarah, her every word gripped with terror. Clem just now realized she was aiming a loaded gun at Sarah.
"I'm sorry," spoke a repentant Clem as she hurriedly put the gun down. "I… I'm so sorry. Sarah, I'd never… I…" Clem looked to Sarah for comfort, but her eyes were still wide-open in terror. "I… I… I…"
Clem could just hear Omid crying, his fear rattling her already frayed nerves. Each sob felt like a noose being tightened around her neck until she couldn't breathe. Clem raced out the door in a hurry, the cold air biting at her skin as she fled from her own family. Clem found herself on the edge of the motel before she stopped running. She looked back at the open door beside the room marked with the number seven and wondered how she could go back in there after what she just did.
"If you had just listened we'd already be out of here!" Clem could hear Sabriya's voice bellowing in the distance.
"If I'd listened to you we'd be dead from sucking in toxic fumes!" Dilawar came stomping around the corner, his face twisted with anger. He marched right up to his room but stopped suddenly when he noticed Clem.
"Whoa," he said as he looked over to her, his anger evaporating once he laid eyes on her. "What's wrong?"
"I… I just pointed my gun at Sarah and Omid," Clem realized out loud.
"What? Why?" asked a horrified Dilawar.
"I… I was having this nightmare, and I woke up without knowing it and I just grabbed it…" Clem felt her blood freeze as she finished speaking. Only now did she realize the gun was still in her trembling hands. She raised the pistol.
"Whoa, what are you doing?" Clem answered Dilawar by removing the magazine. "Oh, I see." Clem pulled the slide back, ejecting the bullet still in the chamber which bounced onto the pavement. "I… I know what you're going through," said Dilawar as Clem picked up the stray bullet and put it in her pocket. "I did the same thing when…" Dilawar watched Clem as she carefully reinserted the magazine. "Okay, maybe not. What are you doing?"
"Leaving it where there's not a bullet in the chamber," said Clem as she tried to put the gun away, her hand shaking as she threaded it into her holster. "That way… it'll be harder to shoot it by accident."
"Isn't there a safety for that?"
"I… I always switch it off when I take it out. I don't even think about it anymore when I pick it up." Clem looked up at Dilawar. "You… you don't think I should have a gun."
Dilawar sighed. "You just told me you aimed it at Sarah and Omid." Clem hung her head in shame. "And… you're taking extra steps to make sure you don't shoot it by accident. I'm not gonna lecture you, but it sounds like you don't want to use a gun anymore."
Clem sighed deeply. "I… I don't have a choice."
"Yes, yes you do," refuted Dilawar.
"No, not really," said Clem. "If there's someone out there who's gonna hurt me… I'm always the smallest and weakest," she lamented. "It's the only thing I have that gives me a chance."
"It also creates a lot of chances for things to go horribly wrong." Dilawar sighed to himself. "Look, after yesterday, you probably think I don't carry a gun because I might use it on myself. That is a reason, but it's not the only one." Clem looked up at Dilawar in surprise. "If I had a gun, what happened yesterday between me and Eskiya might have gone a lot worse."
"You're saying you would have… shot him?"
Dilawar didn't answer right away. "Probably not."
"Probably?"
"Yeah, well, that uncertainty is another reason I don't carry a gun," Clem found herself thinking back to her tenth birthday and wishing all over again she never shot that woman. "The way I see it, with me anyway, I can risk having a gun or risk not having a gun. I choose the latter." Clem found herself looking back at the door to her room. "Maybe this is something you should be talking to Sarah about?"
"I… I don't want to go back in there right now," admitted Clem. "Omid… he was terrified and… I don't want to scare him anymore… or Sarah."
"I… I understand," Dilawar took a breath. "Do you want me to talk to her for you?"
"You?" asked Clem. "What… what would you say?"
"I… guess explain you were having a nightmare, ask her if she's all right, tell her you feel really bad about what happened," suggested Dilawar. "Sometimes it helps to have someone else say these things. Someone more distant from the drama."
"God dammit!" Sabriya's voice carried across the wind, causing Dilawar to visibly wince.
"Speaking of which," groaned Dilawar. "You… you wouldn't mind checking on Sabriya for me?"
"What's wrong with her?"
"Beyond the fact she ain't happy about what I did yesterday… she seems more on edge than usual, but she'll tell me 'don't start' if I ask her what's wrong," explained Dilawar. "I'll talk to Sarah if you talk to Sab."
Clem thought to herself for a moment, then nodded at Dilawar. He headed for Clem's room and Clem headed towards the bus. It hadn't moved since yesterday, and from what Clem overheard last night, there wasn't much hope that wasn't going to change. Standing out in the road just ahead of the bus was Sabriya, staring up at the sky.
"What's going on?" asked Clem as she approached the bus. Sabriya didn't acknowledge her, instead she kept staring up at the sky. It was very cloudy overheard and Clem wasn't sure where the sun was hiding today.
"It's snowing." Clem looked over to see Eskiya sitting on the bottom of the bus's steps. He looked very tired as he rubbed his hands together before crossing his arms. "Supposedly."
"Don't second guess me. I've had enough of that from all of you by now," snapped Sabriya. "Dil!"
"He's… helping Sarah," said Clem as she stepped forward.
"Fix the bus?"
"What?"
"Is Dil getting Sarah to help him fix the bus?" repeated an irate Sabriya, glaring at Clem as she spoke.
"Huh? No, she—"
"You heard Dil… before you chased him off," said Horatio as he stepped out of the bus. "He has no idea how to fix it." Those words landed like a lead brick in Clem's stomach. Looking around, she wasn't the only one. Eskiya sighed deeply in defeat upon hearing those words.
"I don't accept that," asserted Sabriya. "He's… he's just angry with me. He'll calm down and figure something out… and in the meantime we should go out, get supplies, things we and the bus need."
"I think it was pretty clear what he thought when he brought those back." Horatio gestured to the front of the bus, which brought Clem's attention to a couple of bikes she didn't recognize leaning against the hood. "These are the only things of use,' he told you before putting them in front of the bus's engine. How else—"
"That's just pragmatism," insisted Sabriya in an unconvincing tone. "Spare parts for our bikes if we need them. And he didn't search far, which we're going to do while he works on fixing the bus, which means we need our bikes that we know are working order and not… these things."
Eskiya groaned loudly as he sat up. He slowly shuffled to the back of the bus and gripped one of the bikes, his arms noticeably trembling as he tried lifting it off the rack.
"You—"
"I'm fine!" snapped Eskiya, the weakness in his voice betraying his words.
"You're sick and it's obvious," retorted Horatio as he approached them. "You need to stay here and rest."
"I'll be…" The bike tumbled onto the ground and Eskiya gasped for air.
"At best, you have a cold," stated Horatio. "At worst…"
Eskiya looked at Horatio suddenly. He was trying to hide it, but Clem could see it; the fear simmering behind his glasses.
"At worst what?" asked Eskiya,
"At worst, it might be related to whatever the hell we drove through," confessed Horatio.
"What did we drive through?" asked Clem, her own fears about what they were breathing yesterday raising to the top of her already anxious mind.
"I have no idea," admitted Horatio.
"Then how do you know it could have anything to do with Eskiya being sick?" challenged a visibly irate Sabriya.
"He's having trouble breathing, and you don't need a doctor to know whatever was in the air back there wasn't healthy," retorted Horatio. "It's certainly possible."
"You're just scaring him," asserted Sabriya.
"I was thinking about this before Horatio even mentioned it," admitted Eskiya. "What… what if it was nuclear?"
"Nuclear?" repeated a confused Clem.
"I was thinking about it the entire time we were there," stated Eskiya. "That we were driving through an area that… had been hit by a nuclear bomb."
"It wasn't a nuke," assured Sabriya. "I was in the military."
"As a sniper." Eskiya suddenly turned to Horatio. "What are the symptoms of radiation sickness?"
"I don't know," he said with a shrug.
"You're a doctor." "That doesn't mean I have every aliment's symptoms memorized," retorted Horatio.
"You must have some idea," challenged Eskiya.
"There!" yelled out Sabriya suddenly.
"What?" asked an exhausted Clem as she turned to see Sabriya pointing into the air. Clem looked up to see clouds blanketing the sky in every direction she looked. As she was staring, she saw a few small white flakes drift down, one of which landed on her face; it felt like a wet bee sting on her cheek.
"I told you… it's snowing!" "The clouds are light," reasoned Eskiya. "I—"
"This is just the beginning," stated Sabriya. "It'll snow tomorrow, and the next day and—"
"You don't know that," argued Horatio.
"It means ice on the roads," said Sabriya.
"It could just be a few flurries not—"
"It means another blizzard,"
"You don't know that."
"It means our deaths," stated Sabriya in a harsh tone. "Come on Eskiya, we need to start scouting for supplies immediately."
"I'll go out." An awkward silence followed Clem's decree. "Horatio, you can stay with Eskiya, to make sure he's okay." Clem picked up the bike off the pavement, her arms straining as she did. "Dil and Sarah can look at the bus again, maybe figure something out, and—"
"You and I will hopefully find something in town," finished Sabriya as she removed a second bike from the rack. "Go… go tell Dil what the plan is. Hurry."
"Okay." Clem stood there quietly for a second, hoping someone else would volunteer, then started moving back towards the motel. She felt her stomach churning as she approached the door with a seven on it, then felt her heart leap into her throat as it swung open suddenly. Clem tensed up, fearful Sarah would come out and confront her. Instead, Dilawar emerged in front of her.
"Hey," said Dil, suddenly noticing Clem.
"Hey," she repeated. The pair awkwardly looked at each other in silence. "Are… are Sarah and Omid all right?"
"Um… yeah, about as good as they can be. Omid's crying a little, but I think he's starting to settle down." Clem frowned upon hearing that. "Do you want to see them?"
Clem tried to think of what she'd say to Sarah, and nothing came to mind.
"You saw Sab?" asked Dilawar suddenly. "How… how is she?"
"Angry, mostly?" shrugged Clem. "And… it's snowing."
"It's snowing?" asked Dilawar.
"A tiny bit," said Clem as Dil looked upwards.
"God… why now?"
"She wanted you and Sarah to look at the bus again, see if you could fix it." Dilawar sighed deeply upon hearing that. It was clear to Clem she was asking the impossible. "I'm gonna go out with Sab and look for supplies. You want to talk to her before she leaves?"
Dilawar rubbed the back of his neck. "Just… tell her I'll do my best while she's gone." Dilawar looked over at room seven. "You want me to tell Sarah anything?"
"Yeah… tell her I'll be back as soon as I can."
"Will do." Again, the pair shared an awkward silence, then parted ways.
Clem returned to the bus, where she found Sabriya clumsily struggling with a jar of vitamins. Inching closer, Clem watched as she finally pulled the lid open. The plastic jar trembled in her hands as she desperately tried to shake a morsel free from it. When nothing came loose she started banging on the side of the container.
"Maybe just open the other jar?" suggested Clem. "We've got two, right?"
"We haven't emptied this one out yet," grumbled Sabriya as she smacked the container against the side of the bus a couple of times. "We can't afford to waste any—shit!"
Sabriya's banging finally paid off as a single vitamin came tumbling out and onto the pavement. Sabriya hastily set the jar down and chased after the morsel. She picked it off the ground and sighed. "Hurry up and get breakfast," said Sabriya in a weak voice before popping the gummy into her mouth.
Clem picked up the jar and looked inside. She could see a few vitamins all stuck on the bottom. Her fingers were just small enough to reach one of them and pry it loose from the sticky mass. Looking at the gummy in her hand, her stomach began growling fiercely.
Clem found herself struggling to chew. The cold had seemingly hardened the already stale gummy. It was like trying to eat a rock, and Clem felt one of her teeth shifting in place with a sickening crack followed by a horrible soreness in her gum. She shifted the gummy to the other side of her mouth just in time to taste a hint of blood. She didn't know if she had a loose tooth or something worse, and didn't want to dwell on it right now.
Clem swallowed hard, barely tasting the vitamin as she forced it down her throat. Right afterward, Sabriya passed her a half-full can of tomato soup and a spoon.
"It's cold," noted Clem as gripped the can.
"We don't have anything to make a fire with right now," explained Sabriya as she stirred her own can. "Hopefully… we'll find something for that while we're out there."
Clem grimaced as she forced a spoonful of soup into her mouth. I felt more like an icy sludge than soup, bitterly clinging to the sides of her mouth as she tried to keep it down. The pair finished their meal with no fanfare and headed over to their bikes. As Clem mounted her bike, she remembered something.
"Oh, Dil wanted me to tell you something," said Clem.
"Really?" said Sabriya, sounding surprised. "What?"
"He said he'll do his best while we're gone." Sabriya just stared at Clem in disbelief in response. "Are… are you okay?"
Sabriya kept staring. "Let's go," she said suddenly before getting on the bike. Before Clem could say another word Sabriya took off down the road, forcing Clem to chase after her. It was a struggle at first to keep up with Sabriya, but before long her pace slowed greatly. Clem was initially relieved she didn't have to pedal as hard. Then not long after that, she noticed she was starting to pull ahead of Sabriya.
Clem looked around, trying to get a sense of where they were. Most of the signs of a town had faded into the horizon behind them as they were now pedaling on a nearly empty stretch of road. Dead trees carefully arranged on both sides of the highway occasionally flanking stretches of fences with nothing inside of them. Occasionally Clem would see a house as well, making it clear there had been some people living here once, just far from anything else.
Clem did her best to drown out the pain and freezing cold and just keep moving, but it was even more difficult than usual. When she spotted an overpass ahead of them, she took the nearest on-ramp towards it, eager for a break. Going up a hill, even a small one was an ordeal now. Sore ankles, throbbing legs, and icy air cutting at her throat with every breath all on top of a nearly empty stomach. Clem started to feel light-headed as she strained against gravity before finally getting to the top of the hill.
Rolling onto the middle of the overpass, Clem was shocked at just how far off the ground she wasn't right now. She was pretty sure she had fallen from greater heights than this. Turning her head, she saw Sabriya struggle against what Clem could now see was a gentle incline, and it made her feel all the more pathetic. It was only now Clem lifted her head enough to survey her surroundings from this underwhelming vantage point.
Looking ahead, Clem saw a single sign that mentioned 'Whiskeytown Lake'. Beyond it were only trees, empty road, and a few houses all the way into the horizon. Turning around, she saw the exact same thing back the way they came. Clem shivered as the wind picked up, blowing snowflakes against her face. She shuddered as she wondered if this was all that was left of the world, a cold and expansive nothingness. No matter how far she traveled or what road she picked, this was always what was waiting for her.
"Let's check… over there," said Sabriya in between deep breaths, gesturing weakly to a house off in the distance.
"Why there?"
"Why not?" Sabriya looked at the house, then back over at Clem and shrugged. "It's… close."
Clem didn't argue. They pedaled downhill and over to the first house in sight, propping their bikes up against the broken chainlink fence outside. Despite how tired she was, Clem's eyes moved on their own and she was dismayed at how she immediately saw clear signs this place had already been looted. Gate, doors and even a window all left wide open. No signs of a car in or out of the garage. Even the trash cans by the gate were empty.
Sabriya moved quickly ahead, at least relative to Clem's sluggish pace. She should have warned Sabriya to be more careful, but Clem couldn't muster the energy. She barely could bother to pull her gun as she entered the house. Stepping inside this drafty and abandoned home, Clem turned her head to watch Sabriya frantically pull open empty cabinets and tear through a fridge left wide open. Clem just stood there while Sabriya stuck her entire head into a cabinet under the sink, desperate to find anything.
Scanning the living room revealed the telltale signs this house and by extension likely the whole area was picked clean. Broken windows where the floor had become stained from rain getting it. Curtains ripped down, likely for their material. No wooden furniture left as it had all probably been taken and chopped for firewood. Checking a trash can, Clem found only a single torn open envelope at the bottom, a single piece of scrap overlooked by whoever looted this place. Picking it up, there was nothing inside, but Clem noted the address.
"Redding, California."
"What?" said Sabriya suddenly, startling Clem as she looked over at the woman. "What did you say?"
"Nothing," insisted Clem. "Just… that we're in California," she said as she held up the envelope.
"And… what good does that do us?"
"Um… it doesn't."
Clem let the envelope slip from her grip and fall back into the trash where it belonged. She stood there for a moment, looking at Sabriya, who seemingly had frozen in place. Sabriya suddenly kicked the trash can with such force it was launched clear across the living room and smashed into a window. The noise shocked and frightened Clem as Sabriya fell backwards into a wall, groaning in pain. She slid down the wall and grabbed her foot, her face practically oozing misery as she did.
"Are—"
"I think broke my fucking toe!" griped Sabriya through her teeth.
"Why did you—"
"Because we're completely fucked!" Clem watched in disbelief as Sabriya's pained moans turned into a bizarre sort of laughter. Like she was giggling at her own misfortune. Instincts took over for a second as Clem looked behind her, fearful the noise attracted someone or something, but there was nothing. Turning back to Sabriya, and her pained laughter had become something closer to sobbing now.
"It'll—"
"Don't tell me it'll be okay," rebuked Sabriya in a quiet voice without looking it up. "We both know that's a damn lie."
Clem tried to think of something else to say, something that wasn't a lie but also wasn't terribly depressing; nothing to came mind. Instead, she just sat down on the floor next to Sabriya, who was busy wiping her eyes. Clem set her gun on the ground and put her hand on Sabriya's shoulder.
"I can't believe this is how it ends," she mumbled. "Freezing to death in some nowhere town in California." Clem just sat there; she had nothing to add. "What was the fucking point of anything? Why did we even bother coming all this way? What'd we do all that shit to stay alive if this was the best we ever could have hoped for?"
"I don't know," shrugged a despondent Clem. "I don't know anything. I'm so tired I can't even feel angry anymore."
"I can," snarled Sabriya.
"About what?" asked Clem.
"The world," she hissed. "How did it get this bad? Why did people just… let this happen? Why didn't anyone in charge do something? Why'd they just… leave us all to die? What the fuck!" Clem flinched as she heard Sabriya's voice echo throughout the empty house.
"Over and over again I kept telling myself somebody, somewhere will have figured this out, we just have to live long enough to find them. But… it's bullshit. I… I was lying to myself, lying to everyone else that we ever stood a chance, cause… we didn't. Ezina didn't… none of her children did… oh God… I couldn't save any of them."
Clem was shocked as tears started streaking down Sabriya's face. It was unnerving, watching her weep. She had looked on the verge of crying all morning, but actually seeing it now frightened Clem.
"Sabriya," said Clem in a quiet voice. "I—"
"I'm sorry," said Sabriya suddenly.
"For what?" asked a confused Clem.
"I couldn't save you either," Clem felt sick upon hearing that. "Hell… I didn't even want to. I sent out Eskiya that day because I didn't want him bringing anyone back, even after I heard your voices, scared children with nowhere to go… and I was going to leave you to die. I'm no better than him, he at least doesn't pretend to be a decent person," sniffled Sabriya. "You'd have been better off if I had never came along in the first place… everyone would have."
"That's not—" Clem suddenly noticed her pistol in Sabriya's hand and watched in shock as she raised it to her head. "No!" Clem turned and try to grab the gun just as Sabriya pulled the trigger. There was a click, but no shot. Clem hadn't chambered the gun, which Sabriya quickly realized as she hastily grabbed the slide.
"Stop!"
"Let go!"
Clem wrapped both hands around Sabriya as she forced the slide back against Clem's attempts to stop it. There was a loud click as the slide moved into position and signaled a bullet was ready now. Clem struggled with all her might in an attempt to wrest the gun from Sabriya's hands. All her might wasn't enough as she was forced to watch in horror as Sabriya twisted the barrel inward, trying to line up a shot with her own head.
Clem managed to plant her foot in Sabriya's stomach and pushed as hard as she could, twisting the gun back as much as she could and producing a pained grunt from Sabriya herself. Clem suddenly felt the release near her finger and pushed it, sending the magazine tumbling onto the floor. Unfortunately, there was still one bullet left in the chamber, and even with using her leg for extra leverage, Sabriya was still managing to slowly aim the gun towards herself.
Clem could hardly believe it but somehow Sabriya still had enough strength in her to try to end her own life. Clem was barely able to maintain her increasingly shaky grip as Sabriya was gradually pulling the gun towards herself. Tracing the gun's sights with her eyes, Clem realized it would be aimed at Sabriya's face any second now. Feeling the gun about to escape her grip, Clem made a decision; she put her own finger on the trigger and pulled it.
A deafening gunshot echoed in Clem's ears, practically an eruption that she could feel traveling through the air surrounding them. Sabriya's grip went limp and Clem fell over backwards. She moved without thinking, scooping up the magazine and rushing it and her gun to the nearest window. She tossed both of them outside, then collapsed. Clem sat there for a moment, gasping for air, too tired to even move.
Only after several seconds of sitting in the cold did Clem notice the pain in her hands. It hurt to bend her fingers, almost like the joints were broken now. Struggling to stand up, Clem turned to see Sabriya lying against the wall, motionless.
"Oh God…" Clem slowly moved closer on her hands and knees, her eyes frantically looking for any signs of blood. She could have sworn she pulled the trigger when the gun was aimed at the wall but now she was she wasn't so sure. She suddenly noticed a red mark on the edge of Sabriya's cheek. Hurrying in for a closer look, Clem could see blood leaking down the side of Sabriya's face, mixing with her tears, and beyond that was a bullet hole in the wall.
"It's… it's just a graze," realized Clem as she noticed Sabriya was still breathing. "Oh thank—" Clem watched as Sabriya clumsily tried removing her rifle from her back. "No!"
Sabriya couldn't quite move her rifle easily while seated near the wall, which Clem took advantage of. She grabbed the rifle with one hand and the magazine with the other, forcing it out and tossing it across the room. Sabriya started struggling against Clem's grip now as she grabbed the handle for the bolt. Clem never used this gun but she saw Sabriya cock it enough times to figure out how to open it. A bullet came tumbling out and Sabriya hastily scrambled after it as Clementine kicked it away and out of sight before falling backwards onto the ground.
The pair just lay there on the floor, both lost, confused and gasping for air. Clem figured they'd make for a pitiful sight if anyone was left to see them. The worst part was the quiet that came afterward. The suffocating nothingness that was the world encircling them while at their weakest. Clem felt herself shaking the longer they lay there, and forced herself to speak, if just to chase away the silence.
"Is… is this why Dilawar doesn't like guns?" Sabriya only turned away in shame upon hearing that. Clem moved in close and placed her arms around the woman. "Please… please don't give up, not yet."
"Why not?"
"You just can't… it… it'll get better," asserted Clem.
"You really think that?" scoffed Sabriya.
"I… it… it could?" said Clem with a shrug, failing to convince even herself. She thought hard, trying to latch onto anything to give both of them even a shred of hope.
"Before we met you, Sarah and I were stuck in this treehouse. It was raining so the blood washed off our clothes and walkers were pushing the tree over and Sarah had a gun, with just two bullets." Clem looked over to see Sabriya staring at her with a weary look. "We thought about ending it."
"I think most of us have at some point these days." Sabriya's eyes widened suddenly. "Wait, where was Omid in all of this?"
"In Sarah's arms," answered Clem.
"Does that mean—"
"I had the gun pointed right at his head," wept Clem. "I couldn't go through with it, so I aimed it my head instead… couldn't do that either."
Sabriya merely stared at Clementine in shock, utter horror replacing her despair.
"What… what did you do?" she asked with great curiosity.
"I got angry, figured if I'm gonna die anyways, I might as well take as many of those fucking walkers with me as I could… went better than I expected I guess," said Clem with a weak chuckle. "I survived… but got bitten. Was…. just a stupid little thing. Sitting on a porch, thinking Sarah and Omid were dead and… I missed one."
"Is that why you're missing fingers?"
"I… had to shoot them off." Sabriya winced upon hearing that. "I… I was just about to shoot myself actually… when Sarah called me. And we found each other, and then we found you, and—"
"And now we're here," announced Sabriya as she gestured to the empty, lifeless house. "In what might as well be a walk-in coffin."
"Sabriya…"
"I'm sorry Clem, but what do you want me to say? I'm… empty." Clem thought to herself again. She didn't want to admit it, but she felt the same. She was so tired her mind had turned into a dark void, mostly operating on instincts. Her body was a series of sores and pains she had to make worse just to get it to move. And her stomach was literally empty, having digested what little she had eaten this morning already. Sitting there, she tried to think of any reason she should get up.
"Just one more try…" whispered Clem.
"What?" asked a drowsy Sabriya.
"Let's give it one more try," stated Clem a little louder. "This place is picked clean, there's not even any walkers or bodies… but there was still fuel where we came from. So… whoever took this stuff didn't go the way we came because it was… bombed or whatever happened back there. I saw a sign that said there's a lake that's not too far from here. Maybe we could get some fish out of it. And… maybe we'll last long enough to find the people who cleaned out this town?"
"People? Like the Vaquero?" dismissed Sabriya.
"Hopefully… hopefully good people," spoke Clem in a quiet voice. "Hopefully there's still good people left. Hopefully… someone, somewhere has figured things out… at least a little."
"Assuming they're even out there, how would we even find them?"
"I don't know!" sobbed Clem. "I… I spent months in a shitty motel just like the one we're in now, just waiting to leave or… die." Clem wiped her face as she found herself getting choked up. "If we are going to die, can it at least be somewhere other than that?"
"Where we would even go?"
"Maybe… maybe all the way the ocean?" mused a weary Clem. "We're in California, so if we keep going west then that's what'll we find, right?"
"What good would that do?"
"I don't know but… it'd be nice if Omid could play in the sand one more time before… before he dies." Clem felt her heart breaking after she spoke those words. "God… "
"Jesus Clem you… a kid trying to raise a baby."
"I haven't been a kid for a long time now," dismissed Clem. "Everything that happened before… none of it feels real anymore. It was… a dream. I used to hope this was the dream and one day I'd wake up, go back to the way things were… but it's never gonna happen, is it?"
"No…" Sabriya took a deep breath. "Let's do it."
"Do what?" asked a confused Clem.
"Head for the ocean."
"Why?"
"Why not," shrugged Sabriya. "The bus is fucked, we can't go back the way we came, I doubt there's anything left here and sticking around to find out would mean just waiting for the Vaquero to catch us, getting snowed in by another blizzard, or both."
Clem watched as Sabriya very slowly rose to her feet. Clem tensed up as Sabriya picked up her rifle and found herself inching closer. She didn't know if Sabriya had more bullets for it. Only after the rifle was over her shoulder did Clem breathe a little easier.
"It's… it's probably best you hold onto the bullets until we get back," reasoned Sabriya, guilt hanging off her words. Clem nodded weakly, then went to collect the stray rifle round she had kicked aside. She found it lying in a corner, and the magazine on the other side of the living room. Clem tossed them both in her backpack and then headed back to Sabriya, who was cutting a small bit of cloth off her sleeve.
Clem was afraid she might have been cutting her wrists, but instead she used a bit of her shirt as a crude bandage for the wound on her face. It was so small that it appeared to be little more than a scratch, yet Clem couldn't stop thinking if the gun was ever so slightly differently positioned, Sabriya would have a new hole in her face right now. Sabriya seemed to realize it too, her hand trembling as she held the bandage in place.
"We should get back…" Clem tensed up when Sabriya looked at her. "Please… please don't tell Dil about this."
"Why not?" asked Clem.
"Just… please." Clem was shocked to see Sabriya beg so pitifully. "I'll… I… we might not live much longer anyway. I'd rather not worry him to death before…" Sabriya trailed off as her voice cracked. Standing there, she could do nothing but plead with her eyes.
"Okay," conceded Clem. The pair shuffled back outside. As Clem headed for her bike, she spotted her pistol lying in the yard. She hurried over and scooped it and the magazine up before looking over her shoulder. Sabriya was clumsily trying to mount her bike. Clem thought about just leaving the gun behind. She'd nearly shot Sarah with it this morning and now Sabriya had nearly killed herself with it. She put the gun back in her holster, but left it unloaded and put the bullets in her bag.
Clem hurried over to her bike as Sabriya pedaled ahead. Reaching the part of the road in front of the overpass, Clem stopped briefly. She removed the spray paint from her bag and started writing out 'CERES' on the pavement. She paused for a second, wondering even if Jet, Patty or Devlin found their way here, was it a good idea to tell them to follow her. Then she painted a circle over the first E to signal they were going west. If they were alive, then they might be better equipped than Clem, and if not, maybe they could at least see each other one last time before the end.
Clem tossed the paint back into her bag and hurried to catch up with Sabriya. Even though they hadn't gone all that far, it was difficult to keep up what little momentum they could muster. It felt like it was colder now despite it being noon at the latest, and every now and then Clem felt a chilly, wet spot on her skin. She'd look up, expecting to see a blizzard above her but never found one. It was just occasional flurries, but Clem was terrified it'd get worse any second.
After a slow yet somehow grueling ride back, Clem noticed the bus not far in the distance. It clearly hadn't moved since she left, which didn't surprise her, but it was still a depressing sight. Looking at it, she thought about the Brave briefly and wondered how much longer it would have lasted had the Vaquero never attacked it. As they slowed to a step, Clem could see Dilawar, Eskiya and Horatio all crowded near the front of the bus. The latter two hadn't moved much either from what Clem could tell.
"You're back already?" said Horatio.
"What happened?" Dilawar's voice was practically an accusation. Sabriya simply stood there beside her bike, frozen in fear. "What's that?" he asked as he gestured to the mark on her cheek.
"Nothing… just a scratch," she insisted in a weak voice.
"We heard what sounded like a gunshot about half an hour ago," reported Eskiya. Clem couldn't tell if his voice was trembling from the cold or fear. "Do… do you have any idea what that noise was?"
Sabriya remained silent. Looking at her, Clem was afraid she was going to break down crying again any second.
"It was me," blurted out Clem suddenly. "I… I thought I saw a deer and… shot at it… I'm just so hungry."
"You saw a deer?" asked Horatio.
"No… it just looked like one," lied Clem.
"What did?" asked Dilawar. "What did you shoot?"
"It was a decoy," everyone turned to Sabriya. "You know, one of those fake plastic deers hunters use. Someone must have set it up in their yard… before they abandoned this place."
"Well… what else did you find?" Dilawar asked Sabriya. She just stared at him in response.
"Clem and I… have come to a decision," she announced awkwardly.
"A decision?" repeated Eskiya as he stood up. "What does that mean?"
"We should head west towards the ocean, and hope we find something," said Clem. "Because there's nothing here for us."
"Why do you want to head to the ocean?" asked Horatio.
"And how can you be sure there's nothing?" asked Dilawar. "You guys weren't gone that long."
"Before we start arguing for ten minutes, just answer me this: Do any of you have a better idea?" Sabriya's question was met with total silence. "I'm honestly asking if any of you have some idea of what to do next. We can't fix the bus. That's why you brought those bikes back this morning, right?"
Dilawar sighed. "Me and Sarah did go over it again while you were gone but… we got nothing. Even if we knew exactly what was wrong I don't think we could find what we'd need to fix it."
"And even if you could fix it, we probably couldn't get more fuel for it anyway," added a weary Sabriya. "The longer we wait the weaker we'll be for when we have to leave, so let's just go now. Eat whatever food we have left so we don't have to carry it, leave before the roads get snowed in and just… hope the for the best."
Sabriya's proclamation sent a chilling hush over the area. Clem looked around, hoping someone would speak out. Hoped that someone did have a better idea, something that could save them; no one said a word.
"Where's Sarah?" said Clem, suddenly noticing her absence.
"In her room. After we didn't get anywhere with the bus, I'll told her to just get some rest," reported Dilawar in a weak tone. "You… you should go get her… we'll need to get moving soon."
Clem shuffled forward towards the motel. They'd spent only a single night here and she already hated this place. Looking at those doors with the numbers beside them just made her think back to when she lived at the Motor Inn. She traveled across the country only to end up in effectively the same place somehow. It'd probably make her sick if she wasn't so hungry. Entering the room, Clem saw Sarah sitting on the bed next to a familiar looking lump under the bed covers.
"How's Omid?" asked a weary Clem, barely able to keep her eyes open as she sat down beside them. Sarah sighed in response. "Did something happen?" asked Clem, fear chasing away some of her tiredness.
"His hand is bothering him," Clem winced upon hearing that. "And… I think he's still scared from this morning." Clem held her head low in shame. "And… he's hungry… we both are." Sarah looked over at Clem suddenly. "Did you find any food?" Clem shook her head in response. "No? What did you find then?" No words came to mind. "Nothing?"
Clem nodded her head weakly. "I'm… I'm sorry, Sarah," said Clem, tears forming in the corners of her eyes.
"Oh…" Clem watched as an already weary Sarah suddenly became gripped in despair. Sarah looked over at Clem, and without saying anything, she leaned in and embraced Clem. Clem held her tightly and did her best to hold back her tears and try to put on something resembling a brave face. Each of Sarah's whimpers felt like a pinprick through Clementine's heart. She tried to think of something to make her feel better, but she had nothing.
"We… we're gonna head for the ocean," said Clem suddenly. "You… need to pack and make sure you dress Omid as warm as you can."
"Okay." Sarah's acceptance unnerved Clem. She was hoping she'd say something, that she had a better idea none of the others had thought of. If she did, she didn't say it. Instead, she stood up and started packing what little they had into her backpack. As she did, Clem leaned over and carefully peeled back the covers. Beneath them she found Omid shivering slightly as he tried to grip Elma with both hands. The bruises on his left hand had only gotten worse since yesterday.
Clem moved in close to put an arm around him, but then Omid turned in place and stared at her. His big eyes met with Clem's and immediately she could tell what he was thinking; he was afraid of her. As Clem reached out her hand to comfort him, he turned away, whimpering as he did. Clem sighed deeply to herself. She pulled her hand back and looked over to see Sarah struggling to get her backpack on.
"Are you okay?" asked Clem as she came up behind her.
"My back really hurts and… I can feel the baby kicking." Clem grimaced upon hearing that. "We might have left something on the bus. I'll go—"
"I'll go check," volunteered Clem. "Just… take card of Omid."
"I will."
Clem opened her mouth to tell Sarah she loves her, but no words came out. She lingered briefly, hoping Sarah would say it, but only received silence. As Sarah moved towards Omid, Clem headed for the door and back out into the cold. More wet flakes hit her face as she moved, forcing her to remember that on top of everything, it was also snowing. Looking up at the sky, Clem still couldn't see much snow but she could feel it, as if the world had decided to smother her as slowly as possible.
Heading back to the bus, Clem realized this was the last time she'd set foot on it. Stopping to examine it, she didn't feel much personal attachment to it, but it was still upsetting that after everything they had done to keep it moving, they were just going to abandon it now. Clem was startled by a slight bang and looked over to see Dilawar tossing aside an empty fuel can. Their eyes met as he turned around and Clem could tell this was emotional for him.
She walked over to Dilawar and put her arms around him. This surprised him and Clem was a little surprised herself when he hugged her back. She couldn't think of anything to say but at least Dil knew she cared. Letting go of him, Clem saw Sabriya come out of the bus carrying a box filled with cans. They were all tomato soup, and there were only six of them. Clem grimaced as she realized this and some stale vitamin gummies might be their last meal.
Heading into the bus herself, she spotted Horatio and Eskiya sitting across from each other near the front. Horatio was asking him questions and it was clear to Clem he was giving Eskiya a kind of check-up. Although she didn't exactly consider Eskiya her friend, she was still worried. For better or worse, he carried himself with such certainty that Clem had this image of him outlasting all of them. Yet here was, slumped over on his bed and struggling to stay awake as he drearily nodded and shook his head in response to Horatio's questions.
Reaching her 'room,' Clem knelt down and looked for anything worth carrying on her back. Dread crept in her empty stomach as she dug through the measly cot that had been briefly their home. Despite spending very little time here it was hard leaving it behind, forced to abandon the meager sliver of stability they had carved out to return to wandering the wilds in the vain hope they find something better, and with less supplies than ever before.
Clem had hoped to stumble upon something useful. Maybe a lighter that had wound up in their bed somehow or a can of anything but tomato soup they inexplicably never know they had. Instead, Clem found a ring of plastic beads with a small heart pendant hanging from it. It was her bracelet, the one Sarah had made for her tenth birthday. Clem didn't remember ever taking it off, but she hastily put it back on. The only other thing she found was their tiny music box that played 'Over the Rainbow'.
Opening her bag to store the music box, Clem was shocked at how little she was actually carrying. Her tomahawk, gas mask, gun and a half-empty can of spray paint. She kept thinking she'd need to throw away that last one but she never had enough to put in her backpack anymore to need the room and it weighed very little. Also, part of her still clung to the faint hope Patty, Jet or Devlin would find the signs she left. If she threw away the paint, she was throwing that away as well.
Beyond that there were two different magazines filled with bullets and at the very bottom was the grenade. Clem had actually forgotten about it until just now. Picking it up, she found a horrible image creeping into her mind. Clem saw everyone exhausted and huddled together for warmth, too tired to move, and then saw herself pulling the pin. Her hand started shaking and she dropped the grenade, causing it to land on the floor with a loud thud.
For a moment, Clem was afraid it was going to explode. When it didn't, she thought of just leaving it behind. After watching Sabriya nearly shoot herself, Clem wasn't sure if she wanted to keep something that could kill all of them. But then her thoughts turned to the Vaquero and what would happen if they found them now. The bus was dead and they were so tired they could barely move. With great reluctance, Clem picked up the grenade and put it back in her bag.
Standing up, looking at their bed, Clem found herself pulling the curtain closed just out of habit. As she did, she noticed the smear of bright colors in the middle of it. There was a crudely drawn and badly smudged rainbow between two white splotches representing clouds. It was the mural Horatio painted after they first got her. Clem hadn't looked at it since he made it. Staring at it now, Clem thought it'd be a shame to just leave it behind.
She grabbed the curtain with both hands and gave it a firm tug, and it didn't come off the crudely ducted tape curtain rod the others had rigged up between seats. Giving it another pull, it still didn't budge and Clem realized if she didn't have the strength to rip a curtain down, she probably didn't want to be carrying it with her for how many miles they'd need to pedal. Letting go of the curtain Clem sighed to herself. The weight of what lay ahead of them was setting in now.
She was the only one left in the bus now and Clem kept looking for an excuse to not leave. She hated biking through the biting winter until her feet were sore and cracked. She hated fearing that Omid would freeze to death while strapped to the seat on the front of her bike. She hated the idea she would eventually reach a point where she wouldn't be able to force herself to move any further, then fall down and die on the side of the road before becoming another walker.
Looking back at her bed one last time, Clem's eyes fell on the blanket. She remembered Horatio had given them his because it was nicer than the one already on the bed. Picking it up, it was heavier than Clem expected. It was too big to fold up and put in her backpack, so she just draped it over her shoulders and dragged it out of the bus. She could always throw it away later, and even though it was heavy it did make her feel a little warmer.
Walking out of the bus, Clem was granted by the sad sight of everyone huddled around what was likely intended to be fire. There were shredded pages surrounding the rest of the road atlas next to Dilawar's spark lighter. Sarah approached, Omid cradled in her arms and Elma cradled in his. Sarah noticed the blanket Clem was dragging behind her and sat down on the bus's bottom step. The pair worked together to wrap themselves and Omid in the blanket, clinging to whatever warmth they could.
Sabriya handed cans with spoons in them to Clem along with a handful of vitamins to Sarah. Two not-quite-full servings of cold tomato soup and eight stale gummies to split between the three of them. Sarah offered one to Omid while Clem looked around. The bikes were packed and ready, even the new ones Dilawar had brought back, and no one seemed in a hurry to finish their meal. Clem herself just stirred the soup and sighed softly. She pulled the spoon out and offered it to Omid, but he had no interest in it.
Omid then started crying. Not loudly, just a sad little whimper that was barely audible, but it was the only noise Clem could hear. She kept waiting for someone, anyone to say something. She looked around at the others; they heard him too and didn't know what to do either. Looking at Sarah, she could only offer Clem a pitiful look of defeat. And so they all sat in quiet desperation as they listened to Omid's cries be absorbed by the cold silence.
