For Lucy Heartfilia, stepping through the great wooden doors felt like entering a whole new world. This was it: the place she'd read about; the place she'd dreamed of visiting; the place where the #1 wizarding guild centered its affairs. To the common eye, it looked like a glorified tavern: tables and chairs were spread about the wooden floor, packed to the brim with people, chatter, food and drink. A bar at the back played host several patrons and several more drinks. To Lucy, however, every single one of those people were living the dream, proud members of the greatest magic guild of all time.

Fairy Tail.

A bright, dopey smile spread across Lucy's face. She couldn't contain her excitement; her fists trembled and her arms shook at her sides, as did her blue-trimmed white top. The blonde bombshell couldn't take it in fast enough. Natsu, her pink-haired, black-coated guide to the guild, was already waltzing inside like the big shot he was. The chatter grew louder as he strode forward, his winged blue cat Happy (how did that sound so normal in just one day?) floating in his wake. Taking her pink wheely suitcase in hand, Lucy prepared to follow-

"RRAAAAH!" Natsu flew through the air and planted a sandaled foot in a buck-toothed member's face, smashing his table and burying him under its remains.

"Hey, what's the idea?!" the man barked, shifting the debris off himself.

"You stiffed me with that so-called 'tip' about a salamander in Hargeon!" Natsu shouted, putting up his dukes. "Your butt's about to get kicked!"

"Calm down, man, don't shoot the messenger! I was just passing along a rumor I heard!"

"IT WAS JUST A RUMOR?!"

"YOU WANNA GO, NATSU?!"

"LIKE I SAID, GET READY FOR A KICKING!"

...What?

Lucy blanked out for a second, from how quickly things had escalated. Not even the Rune Knights in Hargeon had been so scrap-happy. She didn't know who threw who through the tables, but where sanity had once been, there now stood a full-blown riot. People who'd been chatting and laughing not moments ago were beating the absolute tar out of each other with fists, feet, stools, table legs, anything within reach. It was one shiv shy of a gang fight.

A plate came flying at Lucy. "Wah!"

She hit the deck, but unfortunately the plate still had food on it. Then the plate was empty, and the food was now on her suitcase. Crawling to her knees, Lucy pivoted around and groaned. That red sauce smelled like it would stain…

Picking up the (surprisingly intact) plate, Lucy wielded it like a shield as food and fists flew. She counted her blessings that bodies weren't airborne; no way was this plate going to block that!

"So," huffed a shirtless black-haired pretty boy, swiveling off his bar stool, "Natsu finally decided to show himself?"

Lucy gawked. That was Gray Fullbuster, the Ice-Make wizard. She'd read about him in Sorcerer Weekly. Tons of girls wanted to get with him; he had the defiant eyes and bad boy aura of 'I'm damaged; please help me,' without any of the scumbaggy drawbacks. So why was he half-naked?!

Gray's fist smacked into his palm. "I got a score to settle with you, Natsu!"

"Gray, your clothes?" remarked a sexy tanned brunette. She remained seated at the bar, a tall glass of wine in her hand, a small keg of liquor next to her elbow. Lucy knew that daring combo of blue bikini and capris jeans anywhere: Cana Alberona, Fairy Tail's most eligible bachelorette (given that she never looked at the men in the guild), not to mention their heaviest drinker.

Which Cana proved by setting her wine aside and picking up the keg. Pulling the cork out, she leaned back and started guzzling.

Gray ignored her. "I'M TALKING TO YOU, NATSU!"

"GET IN LINE, GRAY, I'M BUSY!"

Gray dove through the air and double-clotheslined both Natsu and the guy he'd started this whole thing with, Krov. Both dropped their quarrel long enough to double-uppercut Gray, before Natsu tackled Krov into another brawling couple.

This is crazy, Lucy thought, warily navigating the DMZ between the bookends of chaos. They're crazy!

Finally she made it to the bar, ready to crawl under Cana's bar stool and hide, if not for her self-image. Frantically, Lucy's head darted back and forth, her golden side-ponytail batting her face as she searched for something, anything, that resembled sanity!

"You boys act like goons," said a brutish man with spiky white hair. That tall oak tree was Elfman Strauss, a Take Over wizard who beat down and stole powers from monsters. He scoffed at a nearby trio of guild members, currently engaged in a bludgeoning contest using table legs for swords. "A real man…"

Reaching over, he picked up a nearby table and brought it around like a normal person would wield a folding chair.

"Uses the WHOLE TABLE!" he bellowed. A cloud of dust and wood chips exploded from where Elf smashed the table over the brawling three. From the cloud came a fist to swing at him, whereupon Elfman's counter-punch sent the owner flying into the wall.

Lucy hiccuped with fright. Wait, if Elfman was here, then maybe his sister-

"Hello! Are you new here?"

Lucy knew that voice. Dragging her eyes away from the train wreck of a guild brawl, Lucy's peripheral vision picked up a curtain of white hair, front-mounted with a short, forward-facing ponytail.

Lucy gasped. "It's Mirajane!"

She couldn't be anyone else. Between that pretty face, flowing white hair, slender hourglass figure, beaming smile, stacked rack, sparkling blue eyes, and fashionably humble but form-fitting crimson dress, Mirajane Strauss lived up to her hype, 100%. A credit to herself that Lucy didn't feel inferior next to the pin-up model.

Lucy caught herself. Manners first, fangirl later, Lucy!

"I- um, I'm Lucy! And yeah! And, uh..." She skittishly gestured to the rest of the guild hall, yanking her suitcase away from a flying chair. "Is it always like this?"

Mirajane chuckled, her smile never wavering. "I'm afraid so." Careful not to drop the tray she was balancing, nor spill the glass onto the slice of chocolate cake, she regarded the brawl. "It's best to let them be. They'll calm down eventually."

What does she mean, 'eventually'?! Lucy was about ready to cry. I wish 'eventually' would hurry up and get here!

As if to prove her point, a brawler came stumbling out of the melee. Mirajane deftly stepped aside, not spilling a drop nor a crumb from her tray, but Lucy wasn't so quick. The guy collided with her and knocked her down, revealing himself to be Gray.

He glared at Natsu, who was twirling a pair of cobalt blue trousers around his finger. Growling, Gray stood up, some boxer briefs the only remaining clothes on him. "Gimme back my pants, Natsu!"

"Make me!"

What came next, well… Being solicited by Gray didn't go the way Lucy had fantasized it would, especially when she was halfway to picking herself up.

"'Scuse me, could I borrow your leggings?"

"As if!"

BWAK!

One good shot with her suitcase sent him back into the fight, before Lucy found herself scooped up (literally) by the green-sleeved arms of Loke, the orange-haired ladies' man of the guild.

"You guys are insensitive," he said, eying her seductively. "A woman deserves more respect than that."

A fist like matured ham walloped his jaw.

"A REAL MAN EARNS RESPECT, LOKE!"

Lucy was sent sprawling, saving her from dying of cringe. That made two bachelors struck off the list.

Crawling over to Cana, Lucy reconsidered her "cower and hide" plan. The brown-haired lush took a sip from her wine glass and glanced down at Lucy. "Yeah, stay over here. The boys know better than to bother me."

"Oh stop, Cana!" Mirajane chirped, rolling her eyes as she returned from… Well, her tray was now empty and clasped against her stomach. She must've delivered an order. "Give them time. I'm sure they'll work their way over here. If you didn't want them to bother you, you'd be sitting near Azariah."

Lucy blinked. Who?

Tracing Mirajane's gaze, Lucy thought she spotted this supposed sanctuary. The dust from Elfman's earlier table-shot had settled, revealing a rather odd sight beyond it. Against the wall, tucked away in the far corner of the barroom, was a lonely round table with a single occupant. He was a long-limbed, bare-foot guy, eating a slice of chocolate cake like he was wasting an afternoon at the park. Still, if he jumped into the riot that was happening, he'd be easy to pick out.

Unlike Cana's tan pigment, his was a lighter, dusky tan, not enough to match the russet brown of his ponytail, nor the brown frosting of his cake. Over the back of his chair spilled a cascade-blue cloak. Bracers like brown-and-gold pie lattice, capped with silver bands, covered his lean but well-defined and muscular forearms. This definition was reflected under the cloth of his form-fitting, sleeveless top and the short cut of his shorts, both of them dark grey. His belt loops held a jade green belt with a circular silver buckle. This, in turn, carried a leather rack of cylindrical pouches, probably for vials of something.

His face was angular and handsome. Though not really Lucy's type, it complemented his dusky skin tone. A black headband rested below his widow's peak, in the center of which was a round purple… Stone? Jewel? The light didn't catch it like it was angled, at least from where Lucy stood.

The blonde felt an elbow bump against her arm. Mirajane circled past her, carrying a dustpan and a small brush.

"He's always by himself," she informed Lucy. "Even when it gets rowdy, the others don't bother him."

"They don't…" Lucy paled a little. What kind of unstoppable monster was he, that the lunatics in this asylum wouldn't mess with him?

Mirajane must have noticed the look. "Oh no no, there's nothing to be scared of. He's a low-rank wizard and pretty harmless."

"Then why's he off-limits?" Lucy asked, skeptical.

"Well, last time they got him involved… Hee hee, hmhmhmhm-!" The white-haired model came down with a case of the giggles. "Let's just say, he really knows how to bring down the mood!"

Even Cana chortled a little, reaching for her wine glass. "I'll drink to that."

Lucy shakily looked out into the brawl, which was starting to put cracks in the floorboards from all the body slams and judo throws. Mirajane had navigated that, somehow, and survived. It was possible. No problem. Lucy took it slow: one foot in front of the other, step by step, watching her feet instead of the… The riot...

Lucy pivoted back at Mirajane, whose distance from Lucy had only increased by 5 feet. "Are you sure about this?" Lucy asked, pointing at the free-for-all between her and the lone cake connoisseur. "I mean…"

"Trust me, Lucy," Mirajane said, pointing to his table, "that's the one place on the floor no one will go. Besides, getting over there-"

Elfman came flying out of nowhere and buried his sister under his bulk. The giant man had been knocked loopy, his long limbs pinning Mirajane to the floor; his hazy skyward gaze didn't seem to see who he'd landed on.

"Egh… It's kind of fun!" Mirajane grunt-chuckled, still smiling beneath him, before going "Bleh…" and limp.

Watching Mirajane's pretty face go limp put the fear of God in Lucy. Powered by agility she didn't know she had, Lucy scampered through the melee, twisting, ducking, and weaving around anyone who showed signs of sudden directional change. Crawling under a table, she managed to spring out the other side right as Natsu's body hit the top and collapsed it.

Fortunately, nothing remained between Lucy and her destination.

"Sanctuary!" she cried, flinging herself at the table. Unfortunately, she miscalculated the distance of her flop and ended up under the table, rather than on it.

She heard an extremely high-pitched, nasally voice above herself murmur, "Great One, blonde big-booby girl is under table."

Lucy's lips angrily pursed at that name. If he calls me that again, I swear...

"Nothing gets past you, Caspenar," said a different, dispassionate, tenor voice, "except manners, apparently."

"Manners? Oh, yes! I obeys!"

As Lucy picked herself up, the flutter of wings met her halfway. When she looked up and saw it, she drew back so hard she fell over again.

The ugly little thing was like a two-foot-tall, olive-green bug, at least in how Lucy felt around it. Its bat-like wings waving a stench like rotten eggs into her face. Its shrunken humanoid torso showed every bone in its ribs, including those beneath its chest. On the ends of its spindly arms, its boney four-fingered hands ended in sharp black nails. Its head was like some horrid hybrid: the mouth, nose and beady little eyes like a gorilla, but the cheeks and crown like a malnourished goat, complete with horns. Hair grew from its chin like another set of horns, but upside-down. Big, knife-shaped ears framed its sunken features. Lucy was so fixated on the thing's face that she almost missed its tail, swishing back and forth behind itself like a horned serpent, for a curved stinger topped off the end.

Lucy had managed to prop herself up on her knees when the thing offered its hand. "Greetings, Blonde Big-Booby Girl!"

And just like that, Lucy's aversion was gone.

POW!

"IF YOU DON'T KNOW MY NAME, JUST ASK!" Lucy shrieked, lowering her fist.

The little green monster groaned, splayed against the wall with its narrow tongue lolling out of its fanged mouth. "But I uses... Manners… Oooh, pain..."

Lucy put a hand on the table and raised herself up, muttering, "So my feminine wiles only do it for creeps and monsters…"

A soft huff of a laugh came from the table's occupant. "I guess so. Hasn't worked on me, yet."

Lucy regarded him, now able to get a better look. He had angular features, well-defined cheekbones and eyes that were nearly indigo, though a shade or two lighter. Numerous, long-faded scars criss-crossed along his wiry arms, disappearing under his bracers. A deeper, harsher scar marked the back of his right hand, and his legs were a similar patchwork of scars, though only a few reached his shorts. As he stuck his fork into his half-eaten slice of cake, Lucy caught a hint of fair skin beneath one of his bracers.

Tan lines, Lucy thought, then glanced at his shimmering cloak. With that on his back? I couldn't get a tan that good in a bikini.

"Caspenar will… Ulllgh," the critter groaned, rolling off the wall and flopping to the ground. "I needs a nap…"

Lucy pulled up a stool and sat down opposite the man, Azariah. Resting an arm on the table, she pointed to the green thing that had vexed her so. "If it's not rude to ask, what exactly is he?"

"An imp," Azariah told her, his food nestled in his cheek. "Nasty little shits. Usually gotta watch your back with them, not to mention your moral compass, but Caspenar's a better partner than most."

"Partner?" Lucy felt a stone plunk to her stomach. "I am sooo sorry! I don't usually lose it so fast, but… Aagh, 'Blonde Big-Booby Girl'? Really?!"

Azariah's fork waved her off. "Don't sweat it. 'Bout time someone hit him."

"Thhhank you," Lucy sighed, relieved. "Wait, what you mean, 'about time'?"

"I mean he always saw it coming," Azariah explained, a small smile on his face, "whenever I tried to."

"You wounds me, Great One…"

Azariah looked down at the fallen imp. "Not me, Caspenar, not this time. I told you it was gonna happen, if you kept talking like that."

Her faux paus resolved, Lucy could finally relax and enjoy a seat, safe in the ten-foot bubble that seemed to surround Azariah's table.

"So, you don't fight in these things?" Lucy asked, looking out at the chaotic brawl. "Like, at all?"

He took another sliver of cake. "Nope." He leaned forward as a gob of mashed potato sailed behind his head to splatter on the wall.

"Of course not!" Caspenar shouted, suddenly bright-eyed and bushy-tailed and flittering beside Azariah. "If Great One fights, then fight ends too soon, and guild likes fightings!"

Azariah's fist met the table. "And you know who likes a cock-sucker, Caspenar? No one." Then to Lucy, he said, "I fight to get better and to make bank. Brawls like this aren't my style."

"This is truth," Caspenar said. "Great One's style would DESTROYS THEM ALL, HA-HA!"

Azariah grimaced and took a swing at him. "I said shut it, Caspenar," he growled.

Lucy flinched a little. That scowl… No wonder they don't mess with him!

Then he mellowed out, and said to Lucy, "So, you're new around here. You a wizard?"

"Yeah!" Lucy said. "I mean, I haven't joined officially, but as soon as all this is over, I'm getting that guild mark!"

Reaching to her belt, Lucy flipped open her pouch (she hoped he wouldn't judge her for only having one) and pulled out her key ring. "I'm a Celestial Wizard! I'm not as good as someone like Karen-"

"Ooo, shinies!" Caspenar drifted over and reached for the ring.

Lucy withdrew her hand. "Hey! Don't touch!"

"Why? Is only keys."

"They're not just keys, they're a link to my spirits," Lucy explained, shooing Caspenar back. "Each of these keys opens a gate into the Celestial Realm, where the Celestial Spirits live. Each key lets me summon a different spirit, as long as I abide by the contract I make with them."

"Ooo, can Blonde Big-"

Lucy's glare packed as much venom as Caspenar's stinger.

"...Can Lucy summons a sexy lady spirit?"

Lucy cringed. How did Azariah put up with this pest? If it wasn't one thing, it was clearly another.

"I'm reeeal sorry," Lucy said, relishing it way too much, "but both of my lady spirits are already seeing someone."

"Same someone or different someones?" Caspenar asked, reaching for the keys again.

Lucy smacked his hand with her key ring, a sweet smile on her face. "It could be," she said. The smile remained but her eyes blazed with malice. "And it's not you."

Returning to the subject of her rescuer, she put her keys away and leaned on the table. "If it's all right, could I, maybe, sit with you from now on? Just whenever a fight breaks out; brawling's not my thing, either."

Azariah cocked an eyebrow. "Believe me, if I didn't want you here, you'd know."

Lucy thought back… to about one minute ago. She chuckled. "I guess I would, wouldn't I? Anyway, what's your magic, Azariah? Does it have anything to do with…" She eyed the imp. "What was his name, again?"

"I'se Caspenar!" it said proudly.

"My magic?" Azariah said. "Not really. It's…"

He hesitated for a moment, his eyes sweeping the room. It took Lucy a moment to realize: the fighting had stopped. Oh, sure, people were still lying on the tables or straddling their previous ground-and-pound targets, but the fists and food had stopped flying.

Azariah stuck his fork in his cake, taking nearly half the remaining egg-sized chuck to his mouth. "It's a lot less impressive than Caspenar's. Tell her, Caspenar."

"Is truth!" said the imp, flittering in front of Lucy. "Caspenar can shapeshifts! Looks!"

The puff of smoke was like the starting gun for a race, for Natsu reignited the brawl with a few disappointed remarks from the guild. Lucy almost screamed when a foot-long rat appeared on the table, before it started talking again. While it told her about its magic, which dovetailed into its life's story before meeting Azariah, the secluded brunet finished off his cake and glanced towards the bar.

Mirajane was up again, the large lump on her head doing nothing to mar her good looks, looking back at him. She looked more downtrodden than her usual sunshine-and-daisies self, and Azariah knew the reason.

Which is why, when he motioned for another slice of cake, he gave her not only his empty plate, but a slightly smirking remark of, "Nice try."


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