Let's try this again...seems that things are a little less awful with the website but who knows!
Considering all the recent issues with notifications and such, if you think you will like this one I'd suggest you just keep an eye on it every couple of days or so in case the notifications fail you (and me).
Now, this story changed shape a few times: first it was supposed to be just a random series of disconnected chapters that I would update randomly, but then became something else and then something else entirely again.
I guess you'll see as we go on
He was looking for her, hoping not to find her.
It had been a hell of a day for everybody, especially for Gillian, and if she was still around it meant that she was not in a good place. Understandably so, but still Cal was hoping that by then she would be home already, stretched out on her couch under a cosy blanket with a glass of wine.
She wasn't in her office, the lights were off and he didn't see her coat, but on a second take Cal spotted her bag still on the chair and sighed. Realising by that little detail that she must be somewhere still in the building, Cal chewed his lip for a few minutes pondering his options. She clearly wanted to take some time and space after the difficult case, and he could respect the unspoken desire and just go home to hug his own daughter instead. But it was hard for him to do so when he thought about how she had been throughout the case, seeing ghosts of her lost child everywhere and still focusing on the parents who did have a shot at getting their baby back, especially when thinking about how she had been ready to nearly throw herself at the gun before that deranged woman could get hold of it.
More than anything, it was the way she had reacted at the end. The second the cuffs had come on for the therapist, with officers chaotically swarming the small pier, Gillian had devoted herself to the young girl. She had stayed with her, kneeled down on the wet wood planks, holding her and gently trying to wake her up, then keeping her company until the EMTs had arrived. Even then, they hadn't been able to push her aside and she had made her presence known, watching closely as the girl finally woke up, looking for a face that wasn't staring down at her with the cold yet necessary attention of a trained medical professional. Gillian had had nothing but smiles and reassurance for Heather, who had immediately latched onto her as they finished checking her out and making sure she was ok.
Cal had watched it all from a distance, pretending to be interested in other things but very much focused on her until Heather had finally been safe again in the arms of her parents. Gillian had let go with a smile, watching the reunion, then had walked away to leave them the privacy they deserved…and then she had looked back, just after her face had gone from soft and smiling to somewhat hard and empty. He knew that look, he had seen it before and that was why he had hoped that Gillian would be gone by then.
Sometimes, he mulled over while scouting the office for her, he thought that they should stop taking that kind of cases. It was always hard with kids, no matter what: it was hard for Gillian and Cal was ready to admit that it was no walk in the park for him either. Those two girls were not that much younger than Emily, who in his eyes was still pretty much a baby, and they had been harmed by someone who was supposed to be there to help. But that was the point after all, the reason why he couldn't see himself or Gillian turn down a case involving children: if they didn't take those cases, nobody might have been able to help.
Eventually Cal searched the whole office and came to the conclusion that there was only one spot left to check, so he went and took the fire escape stairs. She was there, a place where nobody went and probably nobody besides them knew how to get to, staring at the night sky with the dome of the White House standing out like a sore thumb. Cal walked up to her without saying a word, letting her sense his presence and dictate the pace.
She only said hey at first, turning around quickly and then immediately trying to shy away from his enquiring gaze, and Cal thought that was probably all he was going to get out of her. To his surprise however, before he could even utter a single word Gillian admitted that she had needed some time before heading home.
"Sure," he replied.
Keeping a low profile seemed to be getting him somewhere, he had honestly thought she'd fight his reading or even his very presence teeth and nails. Cal was astonished when she jumped right into it, talking about how old Sophie must have been by then, wondering if she'd started walking, admitting how sometimes she would see the newborn baby that had once been hers in random little girls she came across on the street.
She was open about her pain, she wasn't trying to hide and, Cal thought, she probably knew if there was one day when talking about it might help it certainly was that one. No matter how painful what she was saying was, there was the hint of a smile on lips at times, brief glimpses probably brought on by memories she was going to hold on to for the rest of her life. Cal couldn't believe that she actually did it, apologising to him for opening up and sharing, for trying to exorcise her sorrow, but he easily understood why she did that even if she didn't think it was appropriate when she shared some more insights.
"It's just, uh...Alec doesn't want to talk about it. Um, he says he can't, you know?" She kept looking everywhere, at him and then away but unable to land her eyes on something. "So, we don't."
Cal easily noticed the big difference. While talking about Sophie, no matter how painful it was, she still managed to think of something good enough to put the shadow of a smile on her lips; but as she spoke about how things were at home there was no sign of inner-comfort whatsoever. Only a couple of loose tears streaming down her cheeks, sniffs and a trembling lip.
And yet she turned around to look at him with a smile, forced but still good enough.
"I'm okay," she reassured him while elegantly wiping off her tears, smiling again when she added. "You can go."
She meant it, the you can go part at least, but Cal needed a moment to establish if it was more a request rather than an option. Maybe he should have gone, she had voiced it out loud and that always helped, so she could go home and pretend it had been just another day at the office with her husband, but in the end he decided to cash in the option token.
"No, I'm all right," he quipped softly in the end.
Gillian didn't exactly react to that, not in a way he could fully comprehend. She kept looking ahead, still wiping off some tears, lost in her own thoughts. Cal raised his hand and gently patted her shoulder before sliding his hand to the back of her neck, trying a soothing gesture without being too invasive before breaking contact.
Then he stood there without saying a word, ready to get lost if he caught any sign that she felt as if he was intruding. But there was none, Gillian just kept looking at the night skyline while her eyes and face slowly dried up, finding her own way to the inner balance necessary to carry on.
After a while she announced it was time to go and that Emily was probably going to tell him off for being late for dinner, to which Cal chuckled softly and agreed wholeheartedly. They made their way back downstairs to the now deserted office, not saying much while Gillian stopped to pick up her purse and they headed out. They were waiting for the elevator and when it opened neither of them expected to find someone already inside, certainly not Alec.
"Hei honey, what are you doing here?" Gillian immediately stepped in to kiss his cheek. "I thought we'd meet at home."
"I was passing through," Alec explained, then acknowledged Cal's presence. "I didn't think you'd still be here. Interesting case?"
Cal glanced at Gillian, the fact that she had clearly not told her husband what kind of case they had been working on making a lot of sense after their brief conversation.
"Nah, just a lot of paperwork tonight," Cal shared with a bored huff as the elevator brought them to the ground floor. "You guys have plans?"
"I'd say dinner, given the hour," Alec proposed. "Wanna join us?"
"Thanks, but I'm supposed to pick up dinner on the way home."
"Another time then."
Cal nodded, both to Alec and to Gillian, then they went separate ways to their cars leaving behind tears, unspoken truths and painful thoughts.
I wanted do something different for this one: I'll tell you which episode the next chapter/flashback will be from and in your review you'll tell me if you think it's going to be a 'stay' or 'go' scenario, meaning if you think Cal will stay or go.
Next chapter is from "Undercover": stay or go?
