"You can hate me if you want! If I were you, I'd hate me too," he muttered, practicing what he wanted to say to Donnie for the umpteenth time. He'd tried so many iterations of it at this point, but none of them worked. None of them made it okay.
They hadn't needed the wood really, but the conversation inside was getting to him. Then again, so was everything else with confronting his brother weighing on him. Raph held the ax high above his head and tried yet again.
"Just…don't hate me forever. We're brothers," he pleaded to the wood and swung down sharply, splitting the log clean in two. "Which is why I should have never fucking gotten myself involved with her," he continued to himself, bitterly. "FUCK!" he shouted into the void that was the surrounding woods and tossed the ax to the side, its blade stuck into the soft earth.
While the future was always a nagging presence in the back of his mind, thinking about April and how this would all ultimately play out, he'd been mostly content ignoring it. In the past few days though, being forced to confront the reality of actually facing his brother, he realized one of the biggest reasons he was scared.
Donnie would never forgive him. He knew this because, if the roles had been reversed, he'd never be able to.
Raph sighed heavily, placed another log on the stand, and went to retrieve the ax. "Listen Don," he tried again. "April really cares about you. We both do. We never meant-"
…
He opened his eyes, but everything was fuzzy and blurred.
"Oh no! Raph!" came Mikey's voice. "Look at him! It's terrible!"
"What do you mean? He's perfectly normal," Donnie replied, sounding tired, even for him.
His vision cleared as April's face came into view and she was a welcome sight among the confusion. She bent over him, her delicate fingers tying his mask around his face. "How 'bout now, Mikey?"
"Whew, yeah," Mikey said, getting down into Raph's face to look. " Way better." Raph shoved him off immediately.
"What… the heck is going on?" he groaned, trying to sit up on the bale of hay he was on, though how he'd gotten there he didn't know. The last thing he remembered was chopping wood and then…had someone jumped him? If only he hadn't been so distracted…or maybe he was becoming complacent with the length of time they'd been here.
"A crazy swamp monster sucked out your mutagen and turned you into a plant, dude," Casey answered. "It was awesome!"
Raph looked at him like he had two heads, because none of that made the slightest bit of sense. Not to mention that he sounded way too hyped about a friend being attacked. But, to be fair, Raph knew Casey would act equally enthusiastic if something insane were to have happened to him.
"But I used this IV tube to drain all the mutagen out of the Creep and back into your body," Donnie explained. "Cool, right? Killed off the infection like a bad case of shell acne."
"Cool. Thanks, Don." Donnie's explanation meant the insanity that Casey described must be true. Given that, Raph knew he sounded way too nonchalant, but…. He didn't remember any of it. How could you process a traumatic experience you don'trecall? Seeing how concerned April looked, he was prompted to let it go, at least for the time being.
"So, what happened to the monster?" Part of him hoped to hear that it still needed to be dealt with; he hadn't had a proper scrape in months.
"It got turned back into swamp goo," Casey said, nodding toward a jar of sludge. "Pretty wicked, right?"
He peered skeptically at the jar, having a hard time believing that the contents could have caused so much trouble.
April slid into a sitting position behind him, he could sense she wanted to do more, but couldn't amongst mixed company. "Donnie worked all night to save you," she said.
He looked down and away from the group with guilt. Of course Don had saved him; any of them would have done the same. But what he had to do, telling Donnie the truth, was hard enough without the universe making him feel even worse about it.
"Leo never left your side," April stated and Raph turned to where Leo sat against the wall.
"That's what brothers are for," Leo said, rising and limping toward him. Leo took him by the forearm and pulled him to his feet. "We gotta heal up, Raph. We have a city to take back."
Raph smiled genuinely. He wasn't sure what all had gone down, but Leo must have had a heavy hand in it, despite the handicap of his injuries. His voice was again infused with the confidence they were all accustomed to and Raph couldn't help but be grateful that at least something positive came out of tonight.
It had taken all of her restraint not to embrace Raph when he was revived, but she'd already made enough of a scene in front of Leo without adding the others as well. Still, after everyone had immediately headed to bed, exhausted after the ordeal, she instead had the desperate urge to see him. Part of her thought it best to let him rest after what he'd been through, but the other part noted that he didn't seem to have any major repercussions from the possession. And, if something like that had happened to her , she'd be hurt if he didn't come check on her afterwards.
April snuck downstairs quietly, intending to knock on Raph's door, but found him sitting on the sofa in the dark. She didn't know if he was hoping she'd show or if he just couldn't think about turning in yet after finding out what happened to him. Or maybe he was thinking about Donnie, which had been preoccupying both their thoughts lately.
She took a seat beside him and spoke first.
"So, you don't remember any of it?" she asked, relieved to know that was the case, considering the experience must have been traumatic
"No," he replied, clearly torn between perturbed about and grateful for the missing piece of time. "…Did you see me…like that? Mikey tried to describe it, but I made him stop. It was too weird."
"No, it was dark and everything happened really fast," she assured him. "By the time I got there, it was just a matter of taking the thing down."
"…I guess, all's well that-," he stopped, seeing her start to break.
She hadn't wanted to cry in front of him, just wanted to check on him and let him know she cared, but it happened anyway. At least it wasn't the full on blubbering she'd done earlier that night with Leo.
He pulled her toward him and she laid her cheek against his plastron, a clear invitation to cry it out if she needed to, even as he softly insisted that he was alright.
A long silence hung between them as she calmed down and could sense he'd been affected more than he was trying to let on, which wasn't a surprise.
"You can talk to me about it if you want," she offered, her cheek still resting against his plastron and feeling him tense up. "I'm not prying," she promised. "If I was, I wouldn't have to ask."
"It's just…You're acting like I almost died ."
She wanted to tell him how it'd felt when he'd disappeared. How she had somehow known the moment it happened, this sudden quiet and empty feeling. How, for all intent and purposes, it felt as though he had suddenly passed away. But she wasn't sure she had the words to describe it and didn't want to freak him out anymore than she already was.
"Well, that's pretty accurate," she bluntly stated instead.
"Yeah, I guess so and the thing is…I'm not afraid to die. I mean, I've come close before, right? But I've always known it was coming. But this time…I didn't even know anything had happened to me, couldn't put up a fight, and that's…"
"Terrifying," April agreed.
He went silent again, too proud to admit having fears of his own, but smart enough to know she knew him better than that.
"I wonder if Leo knew beforehand, what was about to happen to him," he mused.
"He hasn't talked much about it," she replied, just realizing how little Leo had shared of his experience when their world fell apart, even though the rest of them had been very forthcoming.
"He will, when he's ready."
Raphael opened the door to his room and crept out, hoping tonight wouldn't turn out like every night the past week had. Finding Leo in front of the TV, he sighed deeply.
"You've had trouble sleeping lately," Leo commented, making it clear that he knew Raph was there and he couldn't just turn around and go back to bed.
"That's something coming from you," Raph replied, taking a seat.
It'd been the same every evening, his regular rendezvous with April being cut off by Leonardo's presence. He understood why. His brother slept intermittently throughout the day, as per Don's orders. It didn't help that Leo was a notoriously light sleeper and any noise was bound to wake him.
The first time it happened had taken April and him by surprise and they'd practically flung themselves apart when they heard Leo approach. They said something about not realizing how late it was and he joined them for some terrible late night television. They'd been a touch more aware since, but it didn't change the fact that he showed up night after night. Hell, tonight he'd beaten them both there.
"My sleep schedule is all out of whack. What's your excuse?" Leo answered. "Or April's for that matter?"
"What's that supposed to-," Raph began, but was interrupted.
"April," Leo called behind him, as though he'd expected her, before Raph even realized she was there. "We were just talking about you. Will you be joining us again tonight?"
"N-no," she stammered, having been taken off guard. "I was just a little thirsty."
They silently stared at the glowing screen, listening to her quiet feet padding toward the kitchen, the light clinking of glass, the running faucet turning on and off.
"Goodnight," Leo called after her as she made her way back to the stairs.
Raphael irritably pretended to watch whatever was on the screen, seething on the inside, but without any plausible way to express it and no way to explain where it was coming from.
"You two seem to have gotten close," Leo commented after April had returned upstairs, sounding forcefully nonchalant to his ears…or maybe he was just paranoid.
"…It's April. She's one of the only friends we've got," he threw back flippantly. "We've been close."
"Fine. Closer then," he returned, with that familiar exasperation his voice always carried when there was tension between the two of them.
"And that's a bad thing?" Raph challenged.
"Why does everything have to be an argument with you?" Leo sighed, throwing up his hands. "I never said it was a bad thing! Just an observation. She was really upset with what happened to you last week."
"…Why wouldn't she be?"
His brother chose to ignore the comment and instead asked, "Did you know that she said she could sense you were in trouble?"
Raphael mulled this information over while trying to look unphased. Honestly, it wouldn't have surprised him in the slightest if he , even while being actively possessed, had actually been aware that he was in trouble. Of course she'd sense that. But he hadn't even known about it until after the fact.
Naturally he didn't share any of this with his brother, offering instead, "Oh yeah, I guess you haven't heard that her abilities are growing?"
"That…could come in handy," Leo replied thoughtfully and Raph could already see the various scenarios being played out through his head as he tried to redirect his attention back to the television.
Using his room was risky, but when she showed up at his door, hair down and in her pajamas, he didn't much care.
"Are you just going to stand there looking smug or are you going to let me in?" she whispered haughtily and he nodded her inside.
It had felt like an eternity since they'd had any proper alone time, having been interrupted by Donnie previously. He really didn't want to just assume she'd be okay picking up where they had left off, but he also really didn't want to risk missing out again. The same thing must have occurred to April, because it was only moments after the door shut that she took the initiative. He watched, entranced, as she lifted her shirt over her head, revealing peachy skin bathed in shadow.
Blazing hair escaped the confines of the collar and spilled around her face, the top was tossed to the side, and Raph didn't hesitate to close the distance between them.
She was incredibly soft, more so than even he'd expected. He was all rough skin, hard shell, sculpted muscle and her softness contrasted him in the best possible way. He caught her mouth into a kiss, enjoying the pleased sighs she made when his calloused thumb brushed against delicate flesh. Hungry for her tells, Raphael was determined to catalog each movement that caused her catch of breath.
For several long minutes, they were enveloped in the taste and feel of each other, neither of them daring to move from their standing position and risk the old wood floor creaking. She let out a brief, hushed moan as his mouth traced down her neck to where his hands had been exploring, using his tongue to lavish attention on her breasts. Her small hands petting his head, fingers slowing momentarily each time he flicked his tongue just so.
His right hand was stroking the curve of her hip, holding her close. For a moment, he wondered if she'd let him grab her ass, but then her hips bucked forward from his attentions and his focus was pulled entirely to the waistband of her pajama shorts. Experimentally, he shifted his hand from her hip to her belly and slid two of his fingers down past the sunny yellow fabric.
"Whoa, slow down there big guy," she scolded, pushing away the offending hand. He groaned in frustration against her breasts, but accepted her pulling his face back to her level.
"I knew it," she chuckled quietly, giving him a brief peck on the lips. "I knew once I gave an inch, you'd try to take a mile."
"You're the one that started all of this," he pointed out teasingly, enjoying the view of her bare torso before she located where her thrown top had landed.
"And now I'm ending it," she insisted, matching his playful tone, then saying softly to herself "There it is!" and scooping her pajama top off the floor.
"You really don't have to go," he whispered, moving his hand to cup her cheek. She leaned into the touch and put her own tiny hand on his.
"It's not that I want to," she whispered back. "We had our fun. I just need to get to my bedroom before anyone catches me down here."
Raph took his hand back to himself and April slipped her shirt back over her head. He grunted in disappointment.
"You'll see them again, Raph," she chided, turning to leave.
Simultaneously, they heard footsteps heading toward the living room. April took an overly cautious step back from the door and neither of them moved eyes away from it for a good ten seconds.
"Leo's up again," she whispered, after they finally heard the faint buzz from the television.
"You could sneak upstairs," he teased. "I mean, what's all that training been for?"
"Against Leo ? He's like…hyper-aware all of the time."
"About that," he paused cautiously, worried that he'd sound paranoid. "Is it just me or is he on to us?"
"I think that's a bit of an overstatement, but he's definitely on about something ," April concurred. A large part of him would have preferred that she hadn't agreed so quickly.
"I tried coming up to you last night, but he caught me on the stairs. I had to make up something about seeing if Mikey was awake for a round of video games." Just recounting the event made him uncomfortable. "It's weird, right? Out of everyone it being him, I mean."
"I thought so at first too, but I've been thinking, our patterns of behavior have obviously changed since we got here. But Leo was asleep for all that. What was a gradual change for everyone else has literally happened overnight for him, of course he'd notice. Maybe neither of us showing up tonight will throw him off for a bit."
"He also said something the other night about you sensing I was in trouble," Raph revealed and April bowed her head self-consciously, nervously pulling at her fingers.
"It wasn't that so much as… I didn't sense anything. You were just suddenly gone ."
"Hey," he soothed, grabbing one of her fidgety hands, knowing the tell meant she was upset. "It's okay."
"Is it?" she pleaded. "It means at some point I have just become constantly aware of you on a subconscious level. I told you that I wasn't sure what us getting closer would mean, but-"
"Do you think I'm mad about it? Do I look mad? April, I'd probably be dead if not for you."
"I'm just worried about accidentally invading your privacy…like…well, you remember," her voice trailed off uncomfortably and Raph winced.
"I was an asshole for the way I reacted. I just didn't understand. We'll take this as it comes."
"Thank you," she sighed gratefully.
"It looks like you're stuck with me for the night," he smiled mischievously. "I'm going to set my alarm early and it'll be yourturn to jump out the window tomorrow morning."
"Okay," she sighed. "But none of this is going to get any better until you…y'know…"
"I know," he grimaced. "I'm getting to it."
"Sorry." She gave him a peck on the cheek. "I know it's a lot of pressure."
When they both slipped into the bed, Raph grabbed an extra pillow, tucking it between the two of them as he wrapped his arm around her. Just to get a little…momentary distance. When they shared beds previously, April was very clear that it was snuggling and sleeping only , something Raph was determined to honor.
"Tell you what," she said, turning her head slightly. "Since it clearly isn't working inside the house, why don't you wait until Donnie goes to bed tomorrow night and meet me out in the barn?"
"Hell yeah," he agreed, kissing her goodnight and pulling her close.
The next night, Raph heard Donnie make his way upstairs and, after he was relatively certain that Don had settled down to sleep, carefully tip-toed past Leo's room, making sure to gently shut the front door on his way out.
Once he arrived at the barn, he softly called out April's name and scanned the shadows for movement, not wanting to risk turning on the lights and attracting attention. No answer returned from the darkness and he continued to move further inside.
Confronted by Donnie's makeshift lab, Raph wished he hadn't beaten her here. It occurred to him that it'd probably look creepy to anyone else: a variety of glass beakers, discarded circuit boards, and delicate tools shoved into the back of a barn. But it made Raph's heart heavy . It seemed like all he did these days was think about his brother and fixate on how unforgivable his own choices have been.
The barn door was suddenly opened and he caught her silhouette in the beam of dim moonlight filtering through the crack. As so often was the case, his cares were washed away simply by her presence. She pulled the door shut behind her and sauntered towards Raph.
"Where were we?" she smirked at him, already lifting her sleep shirt off and tossing it over her shoulder.
"You are my favorite person," he enthused, scooping April up playfully. She squealed with delight, no longer having to watch her volume. "And the barn might just be my new favorite place," he added, in stark contrast to his earlier thoughts.
He sat on a pile of hay that rested in back and pulled her into his lap, kissing her deeply as his hand traced down her body. He found the clasp of her bra and his large fingers fumbled with it far longer than he would have liked, before giving up and pulling away from the kiss.
"Is this thing built to piss me off?" he bristled.
"You're going to rip it," she laughed, unclasping and tossing it to the side, quickly reaching for him again.
"Wait. Let me look at you first," he breathed, taking in her form softly illuminated by the moonlight.
"Raph stop," she blushed. "You're staring."
" Damn right , I'm staring. Have I ever told you you're beautiful?"
"Not in so many words," she teased, clearly fighting back the bashfulness from her face.
"I don't know why you put up with me," he admitted, his hands gently sliding along her waist, slotting into her curves.
"Because you're pretty good at this." April replied, wrapping her arms around his neck and leaning in to kiss him once again. She gently maneuvered her center on the rough thickness of his thigh, letting out a small satisfied noise when the angle hit right.
This time around, she didn't stop him from slipping his hands beneath her shorts and cupping her ass. But she did chuckle when his mouth went immediately after her bare chest.
"You've got a one track mind, but I guess I can't complain."
"Murakami's," April sighed wistfully.
"That's a good one," Raph agreed, nuzzling his face into her hair and liking the happy noise she made when he pressed a kiss to her head.
They'd been recounting the things that they missed most from home, something that should be akin to torture in their situation. But, looking down at her cuddled next to him on the haypile, still blessedly topless after their activities and apparently not in a hurry to redress herself, Raph knew he couldn't possibly feel much more content than he did in that moment.
"It doesn't help that I haven't exactly turned out to be the best cook," she confessed.
"Who told you that?" he demanded, ready to defend against anyone that dared to throw her an insult.
" I told me that," she giggled. "I eat it too, y'know."
He laughed and attempted to reassure her. "It hasn't been bad, just…"
"Bland," she finished for him. "It doesn't help that the selection out here is pretty slim pickings. Your turn. What's something you miss?"
He mulled it over for a bit, before answering, "I haven't been in a really good brawl in a long time."
"Only you would miss getting kicked around," she replied with a laugh.
"I'll have you know," he corrected her, playfully attacking the ticklish spot on her side with his hand, " I'm the one that does the kicking around."
Without warning, a sliver of light cut through the barn, and the silhouette of one of his brother's clearly stood in the doorway.
"Donnie," April squeaked, quieter than a whisper, and sunk into the stack of hay, concealing herself within.
Raphael hurried to his feet, thinking of an excuse why he'd be out here in the middle of the night… But realized that if any of his brothers were going to find a quiet place to be alone at strange hours, it'd be him. When the lights were turned on, he took to rounding up on a makeshift punching bag they'd hung from the rafters.
"Leo?" Raph called out, blinking against the sudden light and honestly surprised that it wasn't Donnie returning to his lab.
"What are you doing out here?" Leo asked, in what Raph thought was an accusatory tone.
"What's it look like?" Raph replied, striking the punching bag with a few quick hits.
"In the dark?" his brother continued skeptically.
"We playing twenty questions? What do you care?" Raph returned with annoyance, still attacking the punching bag. "Is this you trying to compensate for Splinter? If it is, I want to shut down that shit real quick."
Leo opted to ignore the comment, getting straight to the point instead. "And where's April?"
Raph paused then, stopping the swing of the bag with one hand. Inhaling sharply, he decided the sweet smell of hay that permeated the barn had to be hiding her scent. "Why are you asking me? I assume she's in bed."
"You have your faults, Raphael," Leo continued, undaunted. "But dishonesty isn't usually among them."
"You calling me a liar?" Raph's voice rose as he took a step toward him. Leonardo unsheathed a sword and Raph took the step back, unsure of how this escalated so quickly. But his brother's posture was non-aggressive and, instead of pointing the weapon at him, he swung his arm out wide and, with the tip of the blade, scooped up April's bra.
"I am," he said sternly, bringing his arm back around to point at Raph, the bra dangling by one strap in front of his face
Though his shame ran deep, he couldn't bear to show that to his brother and only continued to hold his gaze. Just then, an arm shot out from the haystack and April retrieved her bra from the end of the sword. Her arm disappeared back into the haystack just as quickly.
"We need to talk," his brother uttered darkly.
"Yeah," Raphael agreed. "Give us a minute."
Leo's eyes narrowed.
"Give us. A minute."
He watched as his brother limped back outside, before quickly retrieving a clearly shaken April, pulling stray pieces of straw out of hair.
"I've never been so embarrassed," she muttered quietly.
He didn't know what to say, so took to something more pragmatic: looking for where she'd tossed her shirt. April didn't seem to know what to do with herself and stood there, frozen, until he handed her the missing clothing.
"Do you think he'll tell Donnie?" she asked with clear concern, mechanically pulling the shirt over her head.
"I don't know," he answered frankly. "But don't worry, just let me take care of this."
April looked like she'd rather move into the barn permanently than walk past Leo after all this and he could hardly blame her. She took a deep breath and started walking toward the door, Raph stepping out first with her close behind. He had hoped she'd just ignore him and head straight for the house, but should have known better. It wasn't like April to leave things unresolved if she could help it. When she turned to speak to him, he closed his eyes, wishing he could just make her read his mind not to bother, even though he knew it didn't work that way.
April spoke first. "Leo, I-"
"You really should go to bed, April," Leo cut her off, coldly. "And your shirt is on backwards."
Raphael's eyes shot open and he threw his brother a sharp look.
April's eyes were wet with hurt and embarrassment. Raph's hands balled into fists as he watched her solemnly head back to the house, while working her arms back into the shirt and shifting it around. As though it mattered.
When he was sure she was out of earshot, Raph turned on his brother. "You need to know, the only reason you're still standing is because you're already hurt and I don't want to make it worse ."
"Don't even try to take the moral high ground here," Leo scoffed.
"Don't make this about me," Raph continued, undeterred. "Do you know how much you embarrassed her? It's April , Leo. April ."
To his credit, Leonardo did look as though he was now considering that he maybe could have handled this differently. "…I'll apologize to her tomorrow," he conceded. "Now can we get to the topic of just what the hell you think you're doing."
Raph crossed his arms over his plastron defiantly. "It's not anyone's damn business what I'm doing."
"Oh really? I think Donnie would disagree," he said pointedly.
" Donnie would be wrong," Raph insisted.
Leo looked exasperated, closing his eyes and pinching the bridge of his nose. "I need you to start acting like you understand the gravity of this situation because I know you do."
He exhaled sharply, looking away from his brother; because he was right, as usual. "I'm working on it. The Donnie thing."
"Just how long has this been going on anyway?"
Raph stood there silently.
"A couple of weeks?" Leo suggested.
He continued to just stare at him.
"A month?" Leo asked, his voice edging back into frustration.
Raph clicked his tongue.
"Two months?!" Leo exclaimed, mouth agape.
Raph wondered if he understood the meaning of "not his business", but knew his brother thought everything was his business.
"The whole time?!" Leo shouted in disbelief.
"I didn't write the date down in my diary," he finally responded, sarcastically.
"And this has been you 'working on it' ?," his brother demanded. "For months ?!"
"April didn't think it was a good idea to stir things up right away," he replied.
"Who cares what April thinks?!" Leo snapped.
"I DO!" Raph thundered back.
There was a long pause between them, neither giving an inch as was so often the case between them. Leo broke the silence first.
"Let me tell you what I'm not going to let happen, Raphael," Leo began darkly. "We've already lost sensei and I'm not going to allow you to tear this family apart when it's at its most vulnerable. Honestly Raph, I'm down for the count and this is what you and April decide to do? How selfish can you be?"
Raphael punched him square on the jaw. It was unexpected, after he'd just conceded to not wanting to hurt him further, and sent Leo to the ground.
His brother bitterly spit out some blood. "What happened to 'not wanting to hurt me worse'," he asked, with an accusatory tone.
"Your mouth seems to be working fine ," Raph barked. "And while we're explaining things, let me tell you what I won't let happen. I'm not going to listen to someone who's been unconscious for the past three months tell me fuck all about a period of time he doesn't know shit about. You weren't here, Leo. You weren't here to see us lose Splinter. You weren't here to see us lose the city. You weren't here to see us cope with all that loss. And you sure as fuck weren't here to see April holding us all together."
"Cope, huh? You have an interesting coping mechanism."
"Funny. Real funny," Raph threw back. "As much as you want to get on your high horse about it, it's a lot healthier than my previous 'coping mechanisms'."
His brother had a hard time coming up with a clever retort to that. Raph offered him his hand. Leo looked up at him and accepted it, Raph pulling him to his feet once more.
"I need to know what you're going to do to fix this," Leo insisted and Raph nodded.
"I'm going to talk to Donnie. It's just been… difficult to find the right time."
Leo looked skeptical. "I'm going to be honest with you, Raph. I don't know if a talk is going to fix much of anything."
Raph fell silent again. Hearing someone else utter his own fears out loud made them all the more potent.
"You need to think about what's best for this family," Leo finished, limping back toward the house.
Raphael wasn't in any rush to follow him, haunted by his final words and wondering how true they might be.
