Sorry, this took a while. There was no way I could find to write this chapter well. But I think Sai really needed to think about things. Sorry if it's boring. There's some really cool stuff up ahead. I swear!


After a long night's rest, he tidied up the hotel room nicer than he found it and packed up his things ready to continue his travels.

This time he had some direction, but it wasn't the case when he woke up with the napkin still over his face. When he read it this time, with the clarity of a clear mind and the sun shining through the window, he thought back to all the words exchanged about love, sacrifice, and fate and it made him even more confused. He thought he knew what those words meant, but he didn't know where it did and didn't apply to his own life and now it was starting to eat into his psyche.

He wanted to settle this "love" thing for once and for all.

And he could only do so, the only way he knew how.

After formally checking out with the woman at the front desk, Sai asked her if she knew of any good libraries in any villages nearby. Surprisingly, she lit up as she referred him to a village a few days east, with a world-renowned library known for its expansive size and its rare collections. How lucky that I wound up traveling in that direction! He thought to himself now walking on the eastbound trail.

Of course, if he did figure out his love thing, it wouldn't change his current situation.

He would still be a traveling stranger.

But at least a clear-headed traveling stranger at that.

He had to admit, the walking by himself thing had gotten old by now. He had gotten used to traveling in teams. Teams that had Naruto and Sakura always bickering about. They made dry times like this, fun. But all he had was himself and he admittingly wasn't all too entertaining.

To make things more interesting he let his mind wander to Ino, like it always did. But this time he didn't try and shut it out. He had gone too far for him to turn around and by now, he had taken the time to accept his fate. It's not like thinking about her always guaranteed negative outcomes. In fact, it was often the opposite. He wondered what she was up to. Would she be with Sakura helping her with the clinic? At the hospital diligently stitching someone up? Training with Santa to learn a special mind Jutsu? Helping her mother with the flower shop? Solving family matters as the new heiress to the Yamanaka family? On a special S-rank mission with Shikamaru and Choji?

What a truly remarkable woman. He thought to himself. He didn't realize how many responsibilities she was juggling until he thought about it just now. Just how did she even make the time to see me when she did? Sai thought.

It was all the more reason to make him feel underserving of her time.

He remembered what Hisao said. That she had a penchant for helping broken men. Perhaps she had pitied him so much that it became a priority to fix him rather than focus on her much more important responsibilities.

Though it made him feel bad, he reminded himself that he had done the right thing and fixed the problem.

He tucked his arms beneath his head and stretched. He wondered how happy she was now that the weight that Sai put on her life was lifted.

He hoped she was happy.

Though he couldn't quite say that he was happy himself, thinking about her made him momentarily happy and that was enough for him, for now.


Sai stood dumbfounded in his tracks. Before him was the world-famous library that stood like its own palace.

He slowly stepped through the entrance. Taking in every beautiful detail, his eyes were drawn to the vast expanse of the ceiling and its glass arches. Perhaps he could have spent the day drawing the very architecture before his eyes. He could count 4 different floors, all of which with tall shelves housing more books to last a lifetime. Just how long could he find himself in these bookshelves?

He walked towards the nearest set of books. He let his hand graze the shelves, as he skimmed through random titles. He found himself in the biology section. Not finding what he needed he continued to the second floor, then the third then the fourth.

By the time he had cleared the whole library, he had a full stack of books so high, it almost covered his eyes. He wanted to make sure he had a variety of genres and points of view on the concept of love. He pulled a few books from the philosophy section, the sociology section, the psychology section, the lifestyle section, and even from the fiction section, including romance books similar to the books Kakashi lent him. You could never be too sure. He thought to himself as he stared at the cover of one of the more questionable books. The cover had a man, ripped and doused in oil holding a shapely woman up against a wall.

If I want to be an expert, I must read everything I can.

He set the book on top of his stack, picked a quiet corner all to himself, and began to read.


He spent his whole week reading in that library. He'd finish one or two books every day and reflect on them on his walk from the library to the hotel.

But now when it was time to write the summary of his findings, or the part where he formed his own opinion, he stared at a blank page.

Perhaps he should try a free thought writing prompt and find the answer there. He thought to himself before writing down each and every thought.

I spent a lot of time in the library to help clear up what love is and whether or not it applied to me.

I am not sure.

The sage thinks I'm in love with Ino.

But I am still unsure.

The philosophy books had too many scenarios trying to disprove other philosophers about their conception of love. It was all very—roundabout. The sociology books also didn't really help except to show how love materializes in society, such as the way humans court each other, become boyfriend and girlfriend, marry, and have a family. But the psychology books were much broader, stating that Love is a facet of three things: intimacy, passion, and commitment. The lifestyle books seemed more like self-help books to change your attitude about love, something more for someone like Sasuke. I may not understand love, but I'm not that far gone.

As for the Romance novels, they were interesting reads... but had diminishing returns on the conception of love.

This is stupid.

It's clear you've learned nothing.

He set his pen down and ripped off the page to crumple it into a ball. He tossed it in the trash.

Having failed his own self mission, he flopped down onto the bed and stared up at the ceiling.

He wished Ino were with him so he could just ask her. She was better at explaining these kinds of things to him. Sure, he had feelings towards her, but he didn't know if it was love. If only he told her about these feelings back in Suna, maybe this whole mess in his head would have been resolved. He was planning on doing it, but we all know how that went.

And so, after they resolved their conflict when they reunited in the land of silence, Sai still felt these strong, indescribable feelings. Even on the regular days when she came to visit him during his mandatory rest period.

He always found himself excited to know she would come soon to check on him, and conversely, glum when she left. But wouldn't that apply as a friendly love? Perhaps he did love her as a friend. But he got the feeling that the Sage and the bartender were insinuating that he loved her more than a friend. Loved her like a lover, or Boyfriend, as the sociology books put it. That would explain the genjutsu that the sage put him in when he seemingly watched through his entire love story with his assumed husband.

The sage described love as sacrifice and Sai was certain that he did sacrifice his happiness for hers. But who's to say that that's the correct definition of love?

Some of the books didn't seem to agree. Some conceived Love as an act of lust. Some described love as an arrangement, and others described it as a meaning for living.

Could it have been all of these things?

He didn't think something like love would be so broad. He thought that there had to be a simple and specific definition like the many other concepts he took the time to learn.

But perhaps, in this case, the best definition was the broad, overarching one. He remembered the description from the psychology books again. Love is intimacy, passion, and commitment.

Perhaps this might actually be worthwhile.

Intimacy. Do I feel connected to her? Is there a closeness? A bond?

He felt comfortable enough to tell her about his days in the foundation. About his brother and his passing. In fact, they had even shared his memories that he had worked hard to repress. Even seeing the atrocities, he had committed as a Root Shinobi in the shadows, she never even batted an eyelid. She always seemed to understand him, and he knew that must have been difficult considering the type of person he was. It was scary. Perhaps she may have even known him better than himself. And for that reason, the understanding and the acceptance, he truly felt like he could be himself around her. He didn't have to hide behind a smile around her. He could tell her anything. No mask. This, he could only uniquely pinpoint to her.

Passion. Is there desire, or physical attraction?

His mind fell into a trance as flashes of her occupied his consciousness. Her voice, her smell, her golden hair. He remembered her eyes and the feeling that he got every time they made contact with his. Even if it seemed like she wanted to get a simple glance at him, her aquamarine eyes when they looked upon his were too stark a sight to ignore. He would often lose his train of thought. Whatever thing they were discussing no longer mattered. It was just—her.

And in those moments, when he'd try to play it off and attempt to continue his thoughts, she'd often smile. A smile that could melt his heart over and over again, no matter the circumstances. And her lips, supple yet delicate. He had wondered a few times what she would have tasted like.

Ridiculous thoughts that he used to pass over when he read books like Icha Icha, happened all the time around her. Even unconsciously his body had reacted. As much as he felt ashamed to admit it, there was no doubt about desire.

Then there's commitment. Do I wish to be with her and her only? Am I willing to commit myself and my time to her?

This was a no-brainer. She was his favorite person when he really thought about it. Anytime he thought about a funny joke or a sad story, the first person he wanted to tell was her. She had to be his closest friend, his best friend. He didn't have any other desire to become this close with anyone else. In fact, the idea of anyone else hadn't even crossed his mind. Considering how much time she had given him and how much she helped him in his times of recovery even when she saved him from Gengo. He felt not like he owed it back, but that he wanted to give twice as much. If someone were to put her in danger, he'd kill them. If she fell ill, he would take care of her. If she wished to never work again, he would set her up for life. He would easily go to great lengths for her if she needed him to-

Hence why he left.

Sai sat up.

He didn't know if he felt solace in his heart or contention.

He had his answer. But it didn't matter.

What is love if it cannot be shared? If it cannot be given. If it ceases to exist due to the circumstances.

Perhaps love didn't matter if fate didn't deem it worthy.

Sai knew his fate. He was a ninja. An Ex Anbu Black Ops Foundation ninja. Someone who had been trained to level his emotions. Someone who was taught that Love does not exist. And if it did, it made you weak.

How he had been so silly.

He and the concept of romantic love were never compatible.

That is what fate had destined for him.

But as easy as it was to fall into his old way of life, he couldn't deny that he was now a leaf ninja, who was taught not to suppress emotions but harness them. He loved his brother Shin. He loved his comrades Naruto and Sakura, and their comrades too. He loved his sensei and his captain. He loved his village, this, he couldn't deny. Going on this trip and allowing himself to slack off while on it was doing a disservice to the village.

He would never know with full certainty what he had with Ino.

But he did know that he loved his village. And his purpose had always been to be its servant.

He gathered his things. It was time to travel somewhere new and find somewhere that needed his attention for the sake of the leaf village. It's what he told his Sensei and Hokage. And he planned on staying true to his word.