Disclaimer: I do not own Miraculous: Tales of Ladybug and Cat Noir.
A/N: Ummm… So this is a oneshot that was just kinda bouncing around in my head. I've started and deleted a myriad of MLB fanfics and this is the only completed one, as well as the only one I'm actually satisfied with. It's fairly canon-compliant, but has turned out rather angsty, I think? Anyway, enjoy!
What Would It Be Like, To Feel Again?
Sometimes, Marinette wondered what it would be like, to let go. To feel the pain, the sadness, the negative. To feel anything but the constant emptiness she'd hidden behind the kind of masks one can only perfect over significant periods of time.
Right now was one of those times. She had watched from the back as Lila lied and bawled crocodile tears so fake it was unbelievable no one had seen through them already, and now the entire class' gaze was on her.
Lila's was cruel, vindicative, triumphant, gloating. She'd succeeded in fulfilling her threat.
Adrien's was disappointed – what had she even done now?! – let down, upset. He was always treating her possessively, had done since he revealed himself on his balcony in a fit of rage at Ladybug – because she'd become his rant-listener, through no choice of her own, and could she never escape?!
Mme. Bustier's was much the same. Why she'd ever been her favourite teacher was beyond Marinette now – the woman was an enabler, completely unsuited for teaching.
Everyone else's was angry, furious, pissed. She'd reluctantly acknowledged the toxicity of their previous friendship, if you could even call it that, but it still stung, that she'd been used; nothing more than a tool for whenever they wanted something.
She interpreted their looks in a split second before Alya, her former best friend, now Lila's most loyal servant – and didn't the liar love to rub that in her face! – because you couldn't call any of them friends, screamed, "How could you do that to poor Lila! She doesn't deserve to be beaten up and threatened at knifepoint!"
Ah. She now looked at Lila properly, gaze disinterested all the same, taking in the overdone bruises, cuts, and scrapes that she could tell was makeup, even from this distance.
So Lila's newest lie was that she'd beaten her up and threatened her, huh? Not the first time. She knew now what to expect once classes let out for the day.
Sadness overcame her – because why were her friends believing a random new girl over someone they'd known for a year? – but a press against her thigh from her purse – from Tikki – reminded her not to get upset, not to feel.
And as she stared out the window – because she was ahead of the curriculum despite commissions, Miraculous duties, and regular schoolwork due to the fact she studied ahead and could've already graduated by now and was doing online university courses in fashion and business, so she rarely paid attention to Mme. Bustier's incredibly behind the curriculum classes – she saw the small purple butterfly, and once more internally questioned what it would be like to let go.
But the akuma was fluttering away, no doubt to find another target, and as her gaze followed it, her eyes caught on her rooftop balcony.
The plants were thriving now, thanks to Tikki and Pollen, and at the reminder of the kwami and therefore her roles as Ladybug and the Grand Guardian of the Mother Miracle Box and Apprentice of the Supreme Celestial Guardian, Marinette wrenched her thoughts from that path and pulled out her tablet to complete some online lessons.
She couldn't afford to be Akumatised.
She couldn't afford to feel.
That burden weighed on her heavily, despite her best attempts to ignore it as the day ticked by ever so slowly, only broken by the Akuma attack not long after she'd stopped tracking the butterfly.
~WWIBL,TFA?~
Marinette was glad to see no little purple butterfly in the alley as her classmates' footsteps and voices faded away, leaving her in an ever-growing puddle of blood, skin already bruising and everything aching.
It meant she was succeeding.
If she failed at this…
She didn't want to think of the consequences – she'd seen them, fought against the embodiment of them, in an alternate timeline.
Silver linings. At least Alix comes around, eventually. At least they were kind enough to do this in the back alleyway so no one can see me when I go upstairs.
She picked herself up, ignoring her protesting body, carefully stopping the bleeding, and silently made her way through the back door of the bakery and up to her room.
She didn't want to face her parents' wrath after her classmates' for tracking blood into their precious home and business.
She worried she'd not be able to heal herself before the next Akuma attack came around if that happened.
It was bad enough facing Akumas alone or split into multiple versions of herself.
Facing them injured as well as that would almost be handing the Miraculous to Hawk Moth herself.
She had to heal herself, had to push through.
Had to fight, and win, and save the world in one – or more, depending on the opponent – mask while everything collapsed around the other.
There was no other option.
But still…
What would it be like, to feel again?
