When Joker and Harley arrived at the antique store, they were surprised to see lights on inside. "It's a little early for it to be open already," said Joker, checking his watch again. "I wonder if someone else is knocking it off?"

"They wouldn't do that with the lights on, would they?" asked Harley.

"Why not?" said Joker, shrugging. "There are so many robberies in Gotham, who's gonna care about an antique store? But it's a little amateurish, I gotta admit – you might as well put out a giant, glowing, neon sign for the Bat saying Please beat the crap outta me."

"Maybe they're masochists, puddin'," suggested Harley, as they entered the store.

"J? Harley? What are you doing here?" demanded Two-Face, looking up from perusing a glass cabinet as they entered.

"Oh, he definitely is," agreed Joker, nodding. "Anyone romantically involved with the Weed Lady would have to be the world's greatest masochist."

"Don't confuse yourself with me!" snapped Poison Ivy, glaring at Joker as she stepped out of the shadows behind Two-Face.

"We're shopping for hats - what are you two doing here?" asked Harley. "And why do you have the lights on?"

"Yeah, if you're having sex with her, Harv, I'd do it with the lights off – that way you can't see how freakish she looks," commented Joker.

"We're not having sex in a public place – that's your sick thing," retorted Ivy. "And the lights are on because Harvey can't see the coins without them."

"That's what we're doing here," explained Two-Face. "I lost my coin during my last battle with Batman, and the only places that sell silver dollars anymore are antique stores. I guess I could switch to a quarter or something, but the silver dollar is really the size I'm used to flipping – other coins just don't work as well."

"And I'm here for emotional support," said Ivy. "He's completely psycho without a coin – the only way he was able to get here at all is because I had my plants literally drag him. Otherwise he just sits rocking in a corner, paralyzed with indecision."

"Yes, just like I was saying earlier, Harl," sighed Joker, removing his monocle to clean it. "It must be such an unfortunate way to go through life, being clinically insane."

"What's with the monocle?" asked Ivy.

"Harley and I are impersonating some upper-class British people," said Joker. "We're going to get into Wayne Enterprises by saying we're foreign investors in his company, and then steal money from the vault."

"Uh huh. And you really think people are going to fall for that, huh?" asked Ivy.

"They will when we finish our costumes," said Harley, studying the shelves. "And get some real authentic hats."

"Just be sure and check them for microchips – you never can tell if it's one of the hat freak's," retorted Joker. "That could be a scheme of his, selling his microchipped hats to an unsuspecting public, and then controlling their minds."

"Why would he want to do that?" asked Harley.

"I don't know – he's crazy," retorted Joker.

"While you two are the model of sanity, of course," sighed Ivy, rolling her eyes. "Haven't you found a coin yet, Harvey?" she demanded.

"I can't find a coin if I can't flip a coin to tell me which coin to pick," replied Two-Face.

"Fine, then just take this one," snapped Ivy, shoving a random half-dollar at him.

"There's no damaged side," said Two-Face. "And I can't flip a coin to see which side I should damage, since there's no damaged side."

"You really make it hard to care about you sometimes, don't you?" snapped Ivy, grabbing the coin back out of his hand and pulling out a stiletto knife. "Here, we're gonna do what Oswald did to Kennedy's head…"

"Wait, Cobblepot shot JFK?" interrupted Joker. "Now there's a conspiracy theory for you! I think we just busted that case wide open!"

"There, back to being able to make decisions again," said Ivy, ignoring Joker and sliding the defaced coin back into Two-Face's pocket. "So let's blow this dump before the clowns bring the Bat down on us."

"Nah, I think the rhino got him," said Joker.

"What rhino?" asked Two-Face.

"It's a long story, Harv," retorted Joker.

"Here we are, puddin'!" exclaimed Harley, tossing a top hat at him as she put on a gigantic hat decorated with fake flowers. "These just scream Lord and Lady Bottomsley to me!"

"They're real people – old school friends of Tetchy's," said Joker, noticing the look Ivy and Two-Face were giving him.

"You show up like that at Bruce's company, and you're gonna get shot on sight," retorted Two-Face. "Nobody is going to fall for your stupid act."

"Well, it is plan B – I was initially gonna impersonate Lucius Fox, but Harley said I'd get canceled, whatever the hell that means," retorted Joker.

"You would get canceled," agreed Ivy, nodding. "I wish you'd done it."

"But Bruce is a moron, and so is everyone who works at his company," continued Joker. "I'll have no problem fooling them. Anyway, he doesn't use live rounds on his intruders – I found that out earlier. And who's afraid of being shot when the bullets aren't lethal? Not me, that's for sure."

"You're not even gonna put on makeup, huh?" asked Two-Face.

"No, but it shouldn't be a problem," said Joker, glancing in a mirror. "Everyone in England is unnaturally pale, because it rains all the time, even more than in Gotham. No exposure to sunlight, and you're bound to end up looking like me. Anyway, Harley said I'd get canceled for wearing makeup."

"No, that wasn't what was gonna get you canceled, puddin'…" began Harley.

"Well, you look ridiculous," interrupted Ivy. "I didn't see anyone wearing a monocle in England when we visited."

"And how many lords did you see besides Tetchy?" demanded Joker. "Believe me, I know what those people look like. But it couldn't hurt to take a look around to see if I can add to the authenticity of the costume," he added, glancing at the shelves. "Maybe I can find one of those sword canes – I've always wanted one of those."

"It's mostly junk, from what I've seen," said Ivy, eyeing the merchandise distastefully. "Lots of wood furniture, which I don't like, for obvious reasons."

"Yeah, it must be tragic to see your babies murdered like that," said Joker, nodding at a wooden table and a set of chairs. "Such a waste."

"Well, not exactly a waste," said Ivy. "Although morbid, they're still functioning objects…"

Joker suddenly seized an antique fireplace poker and began destroying the furniture. "Not anymore!" he said, beaming proudly at the smashed bits of wood surrounding him.

"I really hate you, you know that," commented Ivy, glaring at him.

"Yes, you've made your feelings for me abundantly clear over the years, Weed Lady," agreed Joker. "But Harley's forced me to endure enough romcoms to understand that your hatred of me is just repressed sexual tension which will eventually turn to adoration."

"In your dreams," retorted Ivy.

"Actually, my dreams mostly involve Batman," replied Joker. "Not suddenly realizing he's attracted to me, although of course he probably is, because who wouldn't be? But him suddenly realizing that I'm right about everything, sharing in the joke, and having a good laugh together."

"Yes, that's as likely as me being secretly attracted to you," retorted Ivy. "Harvey, can we go get breakfast?"

Two-Face flipped his new coin in the air, and it landed good side up. "Yes, we can," he said. "Preferably someplace far away from Wayne Enterprises when this stupid deception goes down."

"I'm telling you, it's gonna work," said Joker.

"Uh huh," said Ivy, rolling her eyes. "I can't wait to read about Batman beating the crap outta you and dragging you back to Arkham later. That's the only time I think about you in a sexual context, J – sometimes imagining you in agony while Batman smashes your stupid smile in really pushes me over the edge."

"Yeah, me too," agreed Joker. "So I bet it won't now if you think about that."

Two-Face just looked at Ivy. "Really, you think about Batman beating up J when we're together?"

"I can think about whatever I want whenever I want!" snapped Ivy. "You don't own my thoughts!"

"I just think it's kinda disrespectful," muttered Two-Face. "Especially when people are working really hard to try and please you…"

"Yeah, and I don't like you thinking about Mr. J," snapped Harley, glaring at her. "Especially if you're thinking about hurting him. That's our thing."

"Told you she secretly wanted me, pooh," agreed Joker.

"Only if I killed after mating," retorted Ivy. "But I'm not a black widow."

"Nah, that's that other universe," agreed Joker. "But you are both redheads with tragic backstories, so I guess it's close enough."

"I've had enough of your idiotic babbling for one day, J, and it's not even breakfast," sighed Ivy. "I hope I can avoid it for the rest of the day. Come on, Harvey."

"But if you guys leave now, you'll miss the bonfire!" exclaimed Joker.

"What bonfire?" asked Two-Face.

"Well, if we're gonna accurately impersonate Brits, we gotta start by practicing their holidays," said Joker. "And they have this thing called Bonfire Night, which celebrates that time a guy whose name was literally Guy tried to blow up the government, and so they hanged, drawn, and quartered him. Or at least they tried to, but the guy was too smart for 'em and jumped off the scaffolding when he was hanged, which broke his neck and killed him quickly instead. So as revenge, the government announced a holiday where people burn effigies of him every year on Bonfire Night. It's a story where I really sympathize with everyone involved, the guy who tried to blow up the politicians, the people who brutally tortured and executed him, and then, after he foiled their revenge, pettily burned representations of him four hundred years later because they really hold a grudge. So as you can see, these people are inherently ridiculous – we'll fit right in, won't we, Lady Bottomsley?"

"Yes, quite so," repeated Harley, adjusting her hat as Joker piled the remains of the wooden furniture together. "Tallyho and all that, m'lord."

"We're getting out of here before you light that giant Batsignal," said Ivy, as she and Two-Face headed out the door.

"Your loss!" called Joker after them, as he struck a match. "And the Lord Joker said, 'Let there be light!'" he chuckled, setting the pile of wood on fire.

"Lord Bottomsley, puddin'," corrected Harley, straightening his top hat.

"For now," agreed Joker, as he watched the flames spread from the bonfire and start consuming the rest of the antique store. "But after this scam is over, we might have to see about getting me a knighthood."