The Hands of Time
Part I
Rated: MA
Pairing: J/C
Summary: The hands of time stop for no one.
Disclaimer: The characters always belong the Paramount, and some of the script, but the story is mine...thank god for small favours.
Date: November 2000
Length: 4674 words
THE CLOCK OF LIFE IS WOUND BUT ONCE
AND NO MAN HAS THE POWER
TO TELL JUST WHEN THE HAND WILL STOP
AT LATE OR EARLY HOUR
NOW IS THE ONLY TIME YOU OWN
LIVE, LOVE AND TOIL WITH A WILL
PLACE NO FAITH IN TOMORROW
FOR THE CLOCK MY THEN BE STILL
The hourglass of life for Kathryn ran at a fast pace. There were days when she could have sworn her clock, her life force, had stalled or even stopped. It was these days when she had a moment to look into the mirror of life and stare at the reflection. Today was one such day and as her reflection stared back at her, she viewed the lines of age that had etched themselves into her features and knew for sure the clock paused in any one moment for no one.
The problem with reality was, Kathryn swore every time she saw Chakotay, got near Chakotay, let herself love Chakotay, the years faded away. The clock rewound and she was once again in her youth. When she saw him smile, his dimples exposed, her knees went to jelly, and when she saw the smile appear, one always followed suit and graced her features. She always told herself it was the smile that did this to her, that had these intoxicating effects, but deep down, in the very depths of her soul she knew it was him. His presence, his constant support and most importantly his endless and everlasting love.
*Oh Chakotay, how I wish I could take that extra step, and pursue the love that I know could work between us.* Kathryn felt a silent tear slide down her cheek.
Some day she would make it past this hurdle of uncertainty and fear and get to the point where she could indeed take this beautiful, kind and wonderful man fully into her life. *I'll get there Chakotay, some day. I promise you that; don't give up on me.*
Her thoughts quickly shifted back to business when she realized that they were getting close to Aratha: the planet of sun, as their inhabitants referred to it. Kathryn in trying to bring a comparison to the forefront of her mind could think of nothing other than Risa.
Risa, she had had many a good day there. Her memory wandered back to her last vacation with Mark, not a week before her posting on board the Voyager. They had spoken of many things on those days. Life after Voyager, the marriage ceremony they had been waiting so long for. The children they knew they would some day have.
All that seemed so far away now: out here, stranded in the far reaches of the Delta Quadrant.
Life had been so much simpler, so much more sure then. It was that day that Kathryn had told Mark she had stopped taking her fertility suppression boosters, she was finally ready to start trying for the children they both wanted so badly. That weekend they had made love with an abandon Kathryn had never before experienced. They had made their first...and their last attempt to get pregnant.
When Kathryn thought about it now, in hindsight, she was glad she and Mark had not succeeded that night. If they had not failed, she might have ended up in close to the same situation as Samantha Wildman had been in. As much as she loved Naomi, her Captain's Assistant...
In the end it all came down to their situations, and her position. Her rank as Captain would have, without a doubt prevented her from carrying a pregnancy to term six years ago.
But what about now?
The thought of the child she had wanted so badly with Mark, the child she wanted with Chakotay...it brought tears to her eyes. A baby, marriage, a long-term relationship, these were all things she had in the Alpha Quadrant and found important. They were also things she had told herself she could live without here, in the middle of nowhere.
She thought long and hard about the statement she had just made. This wasn't 'nowhere' anymore. Now this was home. After nearly seven years they had managed to make this bucket of bolts home.
'Home is where your heart is', Kathryn knew who...not where her heart was: Chakotay. 'Home is wherever you happen to be': Chakotay. 'Home is where your love resides, unhindered and unharmed': Chakotay.
All of her responses, all of her answers, they were leading to one single answer, one conclusion.
Chakotay. I love you.
She realized as a weight was lifted from her shoulders with this admission she had taken the first step. Could she take the others and join him in a blessed union of body and soul?
Kathryn was pulled out of her reverie by a hail from the bridge telling her they had arrived at Aratha, land of the sun. She walked onto the bridge and viewed Chakotay, at his station, at her side as always. He glimpsed her out of the corner of his eyes and she saw a full dimpled smile erupt. Yes this was love. Those feelings Harry had spoken to her of those two years ago, when he had fallen for Tal. Those feelings were present. This was love, the end of the road.
F Forever.
She let out a sigh and knew Chakotay had heard. He gave her a puzzled look and she just let her smile grow and shook her head. Yes love was grand, whether or not it was reciprocated; when it was true love...it didn't matter.
She looked at the screen ahead of her. *Time for business.*
"On screen Mr. Kim."
Harry did as asked as he always did. Maybe some day, she would manage to give this ensign the promotion he so deserved. *And if things keep going the way they are right now...possibly not.*
Harry let a sigh escape his lips. "Yes Ma'am."
Kathryn looked at the view screen. She had heard Harry's sigh of frustration. The poor man deserved a promotion, and a life outside Voyager; she just couldn't do it right now. Everyone on this ship deserved these things...save her. She was happy to live out the rest of her life as captain of these intrepid travelers. She loved them all and wished them all the best. For her though, life was as good as it got.
Or was it?
She looked back to Chakotay and let out a chuckle. My, he was handsome wasn't he? Before now she had never allowed herself to look at him in this light. Now she had, and now she did, and now she wanted him, all of him.
*But ship's business first Kathryn.*
"Hail them Harry. Let's see if they really are the sunshine people they claim to be."
Kathryn looked at the large blue orb in front of her. It looked so much like Earth, and yet it didn't. The continents weren't arranged the same and she was sure the temperatures couldn't be identical. She turned and nodded towards Ensign Kim. He smiled back and tapped a few panels indicating she could speak her mind to those people. "This is Captain Kathryn Janeway of the Federation starship Voyager, may I speak to the magistrate please?"
The man on the screen's face lit up and changed from a green to an almost purple hue. His hands went together in what would almost be considered a prayer position on earth. He bowed his head and spoke: "Of course Captain. I will get him for you immediately."
The pudgy little green man disappeared from the screen. Kathryn turned and looked Chakotay's way. Her gaze asked what was with this guy. Chakotay knew nothing. His returned glance said he didn't know, but he would support her no matter what.
With her renewed confidence in herself, her first officer and her ship she stared at the screen and did the only thing she could: she waited.
Finally a much slimmer man, more attractive by most humanoid standards, appeared.
He looked her up and down, scrutinizing her. It made her feel like a piece of meat being inspected for sale. There was a hungry glare in his eyes. Chakotay picking up the same message she was approached her, a protective and very territorial stance taking him over.
The man changed color to a deep red, from the former green color; she assumed from both reactions, green was the normal color for this species. The color changes: a result of emotions.
"Magistrate, how nice to meet you."
The man on the screen leered at Kathryn, Chakotay got closer and the man turned an even deeper red.
"And you Captain." His face got closer to the screen and Kathryn did everything in her power not to back down.
Finally, Kathryn nodded his way, urging him to continue. He nodded back her way. "Captain, if I may ask you to come down to the planet, bring your first officer, possibly some other member of your crew: one male and female preferably.
Kathryn's eyes narrowed into dangerous slits. Chakotay knew what that meant. She was very suspicious, very worried. "May I ask magistrate, why it is so important that there are pairs of us?"
The magistrate's color calmed when he realized he had struck a nerve. "Well Captain, our society thrives on couples. We are bonded when we are barely old enough to speak...and from there, well. So I suggest if you would like to be held in high regard in our culture that you come prepared...to be welcomed as mates."
Kathryn looked at Chakotay and though she knew his eyes was full of surprise she also saw for him this was a dream fulfilled. She just shrugged it off. She knew they both wanted that, and she knew they...she knew..., "Very well magistrate, we'll beam down shortly."
Kathryn slowly walked to the transporter room. She made her way in silence with Chakotay trailing her. He was giving her the distance she needed, for he knew that she was thinking. Thinking of what could be going on, thinking of how this could be happening, thinking...
Then he realized he didn't know who the other pair was going to be. "Kathryn, who else..."
She cut him off with a curtness he was not accustomed to. "Tom and B'Elanna."
Chakotay was puzzled. "Kathryn, what good is it going to be to have half of your senior staff stuck on a planet if something were to go wrong?"
Kathryn stopped in her tracks. She whirled around on him. "Chakotay, I trust these people with my life, I would hope you do too. But the real reason for them being chosen is simple."
Chakotay waited patiently for her to continue. "They are already an established couple, if something goes wrong, it is no doubt something they have already done, it's not like me and you...I mean we never, I mean we haven't..."
She was getting all flustered. He felt bad for her. He took her head in his hands, steadying her and forcing her to look his way. "Kathryn. It'll be okay."
She slowly nodded her head, finally getting her bearings back.
He looked into her. He saw the uncertainty and the worry there. "Kathryn, hey." He made sure she was looking at him. "I won't make you do anything you don't want to do."
Kathryn nodded. "That's not the problem though Chakotay, what if I want to do these things, and the only thing that has been stopping me all these years is the fact that I had these protocols, these rules. I mean down there, on this planet, there will be no boundaries."
He shook his head, was he hearing what he thought he was hearing? "Kathryn..."
She had tears running down her cheeks now. "Never mind Chakotay, forget I said anything."
He turned to the ensign at the transporter controls. "Ensign you're relieved."
Whirling back to Kathryn, he touched her cheek. "Kathryn, I love you, you know this."
She nodded in his direction, but refused to make eye contact. "Kathryn, listen to me. Whatever happens down there, we'll deal with it, you'll deal with it the same way you deal with everything else." He was so enraptured with this woman in front of him, "with dignity and grace."
She turned to him finally meeting his eyes and raised her lips to his. The kiss was unlike anything she had ever experienced, it was unlike anything she had ever done, he was unlike anyone she had ever loved. She broke the kiss. "I love you Chakotay."
Behind them, for the past few minutes there had been two silent watchers, bystanders to this tender moment. A smile graced B'Elanna's features. "Well Tom, looks like it'll be alright after all."Tom nodded and brought B'Elanna closer.
Tom cleared his throat. Kathryn pulled her lips from Chakotay's. "Lieutenants." Chakotay almost laughed at her attempt at professionalism.
She let her guard fall again. "Tom, B'Elanna, I don't know what we're going to find down there. I have an idea, which is why you two were chosen."
"Captain, are you saying what I think you're saying?"
Janeway got a look on her face that spoke volumes. "Knowing you Tom, probably." She looked more serious now. "You guys are down there too because I know I can count on you, especially as trusted members of my senior staff." B'Elanna smiled at the pride shining in Tom's eyes at that comment
Tom had been the one to rescue the threesome from the Borg a few months ago. B'Elanna had heard Kathryn Janeway's thoughts. She had felt Kathryn's loneliness and isolation. She had known her love for Chakotay, B'Elanna's oldest and dearest friend. She knew the embers of love that smoldered after New Earth still burned fiercely in this incredibly passionate and loving woman.
When they had been returned, B'Elanna had looked at Janeway in a new light. She still saw her in the motherly faculty, and as a friend, but now she saw more. In becoming one with the Borg, it seemed Kathryn had become more human. She only wished that Kathryn would express those feelings to Chakotay and let the love blossom.
It seemed now, that was exactly what they were doing. B'Elanna was awakened from her thoughts by the sound of the Captain's voice.
"Like I said before, I don't know what we're all going to find down there, but I do know that we'll get through it. We can't afford another detour and we desperately need these supplies."
B'Elanna saw the uncertainty in the Captain's eyes but her voice was hard as steel. She knew where her loyalties and her duty had to be. B'Elanna looked at Kathryn. She missed the voices, but at the same time she loved the privacy of individuality. Some days she could swear though, she still heard the calling and still knew Kathryn's thoughts. The four of them hopped on the transporter pad and waited as the tingling took over and their molecules were scattered. Dust in the wind, emotions on the fly.
When they reached Aratha it did indeed seem to live up to its name, 'land of the sun' upon first glance. The sun was shining, the birds were chirping, and Kathryn closed her eyes caught in memories of home, heart and life before and hopefully after Voyager. *Chakotay, I love you. For always and forever.*
The air on this planet seemed to have an intoxicating effect. She felt slightly inebriated, as she had after Tom's Christmas punch.
She turned to look at Chakotay; he was apparently feeling much the same way she was. He approached her and his lips touched hers with a gentleness she thought even he did not posses. He pulled away and dipped in for a second time, this time filled with more urgency. His arm snaked behind her neck while his other approached her breast, then he stopped.
*Not here, not like this.*
He pulled away. "Kathryn, we have to stop...meeting." He gained his breath.
She looked at him with a gaze more intent than he had ever seen from her. "I'm sorry Chakotay, that was out of line."
He stilled her inquiries and questions with a tender kiss to her lips. "Kathryn, there'll be time for us later, now we have business to attend to."
Kathryn felt her love for this man increase ten-fold. This was something she didn't think possible. She'd thought the height of her love had been upon her, but here it was. It had happened, she loved him more.
She placed her hand in his and they walked, together along the river of love.
Kathryn thought about how fortunate she had been in her life. Had they never been unexpectedly transported to the far reaches of the Delta Quadrant as they had been, she would never have met Chakotay, she would never have had the opportunity to meet Tom, B'Elanna, any of them, and she would never have known the true definition of peace and love.
She looked to Chakotay and stood on her tiptoes. She kissed him on the cheek. "Thank you."
He just looked back into those deep blue eyes. Stood back from her taking one of her tiny hands into his larger one. He just stood admiring the scenery before him.
She looked to Chakotay and stood on her tiptoes. She kissed him on the cheek, "Thank you."
He just looked back into those deep blue eyes. Stood back from her taking both her tiny hands into his large ones. "You are so beautiful Kathryn."
Kathryn blushed under his scrutiny and praise. She was doubtful that she had ever loved anyone as she loved this man now, at this moment. She looked her would-be lover and gave his hands a gentle squeeze. He turned and smiled a full-dimpled smile at her. She thought she was going to faint. A very uncaptainlike thing to do.
"Chakotay, looks like we've reached our destination," she pointed towards the tall buildings of the capital of Aratha.
"Yes, seems we have doesn't it?" The couple turned around to motion to Tom and B'Elanna that they had reached their destination. "Kathryn, where did..."
He looked to the ground and saw B'Elanna half naked and Tom groping her. Kathryn whirled at Chakotay's touch. Her eyes widened, not in horror but surprise at her shipmates' boldness. "Lieutenants...really."
B'Elanna looked up horrified. "Captain...I'm..."
"I can see that B'Elanna, come on we've got other matters to attend to...we'll deal with this," she waved her hand dismissively, "later."
Kathryn smiled at B'Elanna and she knew that although the Captain deemed this inappropriate, Kathryn understood.
They walked towards the doorway to the city and Kathryn almost expected a booming voice to ask 'Who goes there?' Lucky for her no such thing happened. She looked at the door unsure of what exactly to do next. She waited a few minutes then raised a tentative hand to knock. *Knocking on a door, in this day and age.*
Kathryn waited. Her senior staff behind her. B'Elanna came up to her and tapped her on the shoulder. Leaning in she whispered something in her ear. Kathryn let a smile touch her lips. "B'Elanna," she stated in an admonishing, yet playful tone. Kathryn bent down and whispered something in B'Elanna's ear. They both burst out laughing.
Kathryn started as the door slid opened in front of her. For a moment Kathryn froze as the alien approached her. He was taller than she had expected or anticipated and it threw her off. She quickly regained her composure and began her mandatory introduction. She tried to ignore his leering gaze, but it was difficult under his appraising and scrutinizing gaze.
Kathryn drew in a deep steadying breath. "Captain Kathryn Janeway of the..." The man took her wrist, pulled her arm up and sniffed the tender inner skin of her arm. "We know who you are."
Kathryn realized the sunshine had given way to darkness and the sunshine people had become the men of the shadows.
"Captain, are you of childbearing age for your species?"
Kathryn was taken aback by the question. How does one answer that question to an alien leader who you barely knew? Kathryn stuttered, and Chakotay took his turn, "We are all of childbearing age for your cultures and species. Why is this relevant to negotiations?"
The man's face softened. "It is more relevant than you think Commander."
Chakotay was getting intrigued, and he looked to Kathryn how had finally begun to regain her pallor.
Kathryn looked to Chakotay, then to the lieutenants behind her. "Why is it relevant Magistrate?"
The alien's color changed from the normal green to a pale robin-egg blue. As his color changed, his expression softened further. "Captain, there was a disaster on our planet two decades ago, it left an antibody in out atmosphere which our females were susceptible to. It broke down their neural tissues and caused death within mere months of infection. We have been searching for years for a species immune to its effects. Our scans show you carry that antibody."
Kathryn was moved visibly by his story, "I'm still not sure magistrate what this has to do with us. Would you need a DNA sample? A strand of hair? What...?"
Chakotay watched Kathryn grasping for straws, he knew though. He knew deep down what they would ask. He took her hand trying to reassure her it would be okay. The magistrate looked at the woman, their Captain with compassion, or as close to it as was possible for a stranger.
He pulled the Captain away from the group; she was transfixed on this man and his plight. She wanted to help this man, but she couldn't. She was the Captain, what of the prime directive, what of Chakotay, what of...
"Captain, I'm not asking you to breed with us, in fact, I am asking you to breed with him." The alien pointed at Chakotay.
Captain Janeway's mouth was agape with surprise. "You want me to what? I can't...we can't stay here for that long. I have to get my crew home. We can't stay here for nine months, I can't give up a baby to a stranger even if I would do it..."
The magistrate looked at this woman. "Quiet, would you do it if I could promise your crew a way home after full gestation of the foetus?"
Kathryn felt so many conflicting emotions. Getting her crew home, a baby with Chakotay, giving the child up...Tom and B'Elanna...she couldn't. Or could she?
"Magistrate, I will have to consider your offer, I need to get back to the ship."
She looked at the man in front of her, if you could call him a man and he saw that she wanted to run. She wanted to get away. He waved his hands and the world around her disappeared except for the magistrate and herself.
The Magistrate lost his calming effect on her. He looked at her. "Captain, I tried being diplomatic, I tried being nice, but this is the future of my people. And it depends on a scrawny bipedal human female and her commander."
Kathryn swallowed hard. She knew this wasn't going to be nice. "Magistrate, I do not take kindly to..." She fell back as his hand hit her face. She placed her hand to her face and felt the blood seeping. She tried to get up, but he pushed her back down.
"Captain, I do not take kindly to having the fate of my people dismissed with the shake of head and the flick of a hand." He reached his hand to her and pulled her up. "Captain, I can be very accommodating, under the right circumstances."
Janeway knew where this was going. The magistrate waved his hand over her face and the blood disappeared. "Captain, you will be sore for a couple of days, but that will heal it. We have much technology and knowledge, but our women we could not heal. You are our last hope." He stared at her pleading with her to understand. "You will stay here with your commander, as will your pilot and engineer. I would prefer you stayed voluntarily, but if you must."
Janeway looked at him perplexed and incensed. "Magistrate this will slow our progress to our home, this will stop the realization of our hopes and dreams for the future."
He looked at her with hope and an understanding in her eyes. "No Captain, it won't. For as much as I need you, you need me. I can give you what you want more than anything."
Kathryn watched as he waved his hands an image of the sphere they knew as Earth and home appeared. "You can have it all Captain, and all I ask is 9 months of your time."
Kathryn reached out to touch the image before her. "Now you see it Captain, now you don't. I can let you see it permanently, and all I need is you, and three of your command officers for nine months of your time."
Kathryn looked away unsure. Then she found herself in her ready room staring into the eyes of her first officer and love. "Chakotay, what happened?"
Chakotay looked into her, he had seen the whole scene unfold before him, on the bridge. He knew what she was going through, he knew what she was going to say. Before she could open her mouth to respond, he cut in. "How do we know we can trust him?"
Kathryn got this glossed over look in her eyes. She shook it off and stared at Chakotay. "We don't."
He took her hand in his. "Kathryn..."
She pulled it away swiftly. "Chakotay, how do I not let this happen? How do I give up the one chance of us getting home faster? How do I put my personal feelings ahead of those of the crew? I can't Chakotay. No matter how much this would tear me apart, I can't give up this one in a million chance, that maybe, maybe after seven years we could get home."
Chakotay watched as she went on her tirade. Kathryn was very confused, but the Captain knew exactly what she had to do. He reached a large hand up and brushed the tears that were silently flowing down her cheeks. "Oh Kathryn, we'll get through this. I promise you."
She wouldn't look up at him. Looking up would make the tears flow faster, and her life move slower. "Chakotay, what about us?"
Chakotay felt his world crumbling. The just barely begun relationship, the strains this situation would put on it. The death of a dream, and the wakening of a miracle.
He brought her close and embraced her in a hug filled with promise that he would always be there for her, no matter what. He just hoped that promise would be true; that the love would always stay and that her life would go the way he wanted it to. He just hoped this ruler would keep his promise, and send them home. Take the precious gift Kathryn was willing to give for her crew and let them be.
Chakotay loved her and didn't want to see her hurt, but he knew, he just knew no matter how this went, Kathryn Janeway was going to get hurt. The Captain always seemed to win, but in the end, Kathryn was the one who lost.
They stayed like that for what felt like hours. Just holding each other and keeping the demons at bay. They both knew when the new day rose, they would have only one decision that was plausible. Only one choice that was right.
Kathryn was going to be a mother.
END PART I
TBC in PART II
