Chapter 17: I've Got the Joy of Christmas

Rose

Sunday, December 17, 2023

Forks, Washington

We take this drive from Seattle to Forks so frequently that the hours in the car don't bother me anymore.

Emmett and I take turns surprising each other with songs to listen to, finding songs to sing along to as we make our way to town for the holidays. We usually don't head to Emmett's family until Christmas Day, making sure we wake up in the morning to follow the traditions we have here with the three of us first, but with the wedding on Saturday, we figured it would be easier, and more helpful, if we were all more centrally located. We'll be in town until New Year's Day, and our excitement is barely contained as one song blurs into another. Noelle is somehow sleeping through the concert Em and I are putting on, but it'll be better in the long run. The more she sleeps now, the better her mood will be for the rest of the day once we arrive at Carlisle and Esme's.

We had hit the road early in the morning, hoping to miss traffic and eager to see the family and get the holidays officially started. The wedding will be here before we know it, and while combining that with the festivities and hubbub of Christmas is a lot, it has also put a different kind of joy in the air. Besides the typical Christmas magic that follows everywhere we go, the wedding has coated us all in a hope, a faith, that doesn't come around too many times a year.

Combine it with Christmas at the Cullens?

Emmett is almost jumping out of his skin in anticipation.

"I still think we should call Kate and ask if she can come down for a night," Emmett says, turning down the volume so I can hear him. It did cross our minds to ask our sitter to come down to Forks the night of the wedding, but that would mean she would have to drive back home to Seattle on Christmas Eve the next morning, and that didn't seem fair of us to ask her to do that.

It just means Noelle will be joining us at the inn in Forks, the same one we stayed in two years ago when I finally found my way out of the hole I had dug myself in.

I shake my head with a chuckle. "And where would she stay? In our hotel room with us?"

"Absolutely not," Emmett replies quickly. "I want you all to myself."

"Besides, your parents offered to take Noelle for the night anyway."

"Yeah, you're right," he concedes. "I feel bad for making them watch her overnight but they're also insanely excited about it."

"Your mother would never let you take this opportunity from her," I laugh, turning the volume back up so we could finish our performances.

The happiness coursing through my blood as we finish the song at the top of our lungs is just a glimpse of what's in store for the next two weeks.

"How was the drive?" Carlisle asks once he can pry himself away from his granddaughter after we arrive. Noelle had woken up in the car just before we had arrived in Forks, and luckily she was in good spirits and ready to officially begin her holiday vacation. Noelle was only a couple of months old for her first Christmas, so this is the first year where she is more aware of everything around her.

Her thoughts of the world live on her face in everything she does.

The wonder at all the Christmas lights. The height of some of the Christmas trees she sees takes her breath away, and she spends most of December oohing and ahhing and pointing to everything and anything that crosses her path.

It's already the best Christmas I've ever had simply because I get to watch her experience her first true Christmas.

"Great," Emmett answers, scooping Noelle into his arms before placing her on his shoulders. She giggles loudly as he brings them to the tree so she can see the ornaments placed high.

"We wanted to get here as soon as we could so we left early," I add in, sitting down at the table with Esme. She hands me a warm cup of coffee and it tastes like heaven as I make myself comfortable in the seat across from her.

"When are you heading over to Bella's?"

"I think Alice is picking me up around two. Let me double check."

"How is everything coming along?"

"Honestly, I think Bella has a great handle of everything. Besides the floral arrangements we're making today, the only thing Bella is stressing about is the venue. She's waiting for the other shoe to drop, so to speak." I sigh, taking another sip of my coffee. "It's nothing Alice and I can't help her with."

"Everything always works out in the end," Esme says softly, a tentative look on her face at the mention of Alice. "You girls really are something. I lucked out when it came to all of my daughter-in-laws. Bella included since Edward is one of ours now, too."

"It's been a while since we've had a chance to get together, especially with Evie still being so little. Speaking of Evie, I cannot wait to squish her!"

"They should be here soon," Esme laughs.

I'm practically running down the driveway when Alice and Jasper pull in, and I jokingly push them both to the side and out of the way to get to my niece. She's dressed in a red and green Christmas tutu, soft to the touch and absolutely adorable, and it brings me back to those early days of Noelle and me, learning each other and how to navigate our new roles together. I remember how beautiful, and also how isolated, those days could be.

I think of Alice's sudden silence over the last few weeks.

Maybe longer than that, if I'm being honest with myself.

"I'd love to go with you to that Mommy and Me class," I say to her an hour later when we're driving to Bella's. She doesn't answer, instead focusing on her phone as she flies off another text. "Alice?"

"Hmm?" She answers eventually, her eyes never leaving her screen. She sighs and looks up. "Sorry, I was making sure Jasper put the bottles I had pumped for Evie earlier in the fridge. What did you say?"

"I said I wanted to go with you to that Mommy and Me class you were telling me about."

"Oh," Alice says, and adds nothing else at first. A minute later, she continues, "I'll look at the schedule and let you know."

We're pulling into Bella's driveway and I think I can actually feel my heart break. Alice and I met when Emmett and I were in college. Jasper and Alice had been high school sweethearts, and I could tell immediately why Jasper had fallen in love with this girl as quickly and as hard as he had.

But today, as we sit at Bella's table and help her fashion all of our bouquets and boutineers for the wedding, I know this is not the same girl we all can't help but love.

She is a shadow, lost without her home, and it goes against my better nature to stay silent.

But for now, I do. At least until I talk to Jasper, because the more I think about it, the more I realize that Alice has mentioned Mommy and Me classes, but nothing just for Mommies.

Those were the groups I had relied on to get me through my longest nights and darkest days. The groups where leaving our babies in the hands of someone else was encouraged so we would never forget our worth outside of being a mother.

On my phone, I google those exact types of groups or places here in Forks, only to come up empty handed. Carlisle would be able to help me since most hospitals have those resources available to new mothers, and I plan on asking him the moment I can.

Because today is fun; it's beautiful to see Bella this happy, to listen to her gush about Edward and the life they have planned for their future.

But today is also so, so devastating as I watch my sister-in-law, one of my favorite people in the world, struggle to keep her head above her own dark and silent waters.

And when Carlisle tells me that nothing local to Forks is available for new mothers, suddenly I know where I want to move to.

Where I want to live and what I want to do in my new town.

"Forks," I tell Emmett later that evening when I drag him to several Open Houses I saw posted throughout the town. "I want to move to Forks."

"Here?" He asks from a walk-in closet, poking his head around the corner. He laughs, grabbing my hand to finish walking through the house. "You must have an agenda I know nothing about."

He will soon enough.