Anybody else thinking that they should've had a SERIOUS talk about what happened with Kate and Eric Vaughn?! The way they dealt with it was just so .. ARGH. I just wished they had an open and honest conversation for once. It's NOT easy to have conversations like this with people you love but it's so VITAL for any relationship. I just wished they had it so I wrote it for them.

Situated right after 5x22 THE SQUAB & THE QUAIL and it miiiiight end a bit differently


The pile of paperwork seems to grow by the minute instead of shrink. No matter how long she looks at it, it just get's bigger and bigger and bigger, taking up so much space that she has trouble breathing. Maybe she should actually work instead of staring holes in that pile wishing it to disappear. But she can't stop thinking about what happened over the last couple of days. Can't get it out of her head. Doing paperwork is torture today. She just wants to go home, take a bath and talk to her partner. Something's off between them, even if Castle pretends that everything's fine. She can feel it and she can't resent him for it.

The massage he gave her yesterday was heavenly, he treated her like a queen, him making love to her afterwards almost like a praise to her. It was all she thought her bruised heart needed and yet she lied awake the whole night, wondering about where they're headed.

Was Castle just interested again in her because of Eric Vaughn? To prove something? He felt really sorry that he took her for granted … But ... what does that even mean? How will their relationship continue?

Damn, Eric Vaughn tried to kiss her, and she handled the whole situation with Castle pretty poorly, acted as if it was his fault to be jealous when instead she was too ashamed to give him what he deserved. She props her elbows on her desk and lets her head sink groaning into her hands, massaging her temples to relieve the rising headache.

Her stomach is churning again, has been troubling her the whole day. Maybe she should've eaten something earlier when the boys went out to get food.

Damn, what has she done? Why didn't she stop him? Why did she just stand there, closed her fucking eyes and waited until it was almost too late? Their lips already touching when she finally pushed him away.

She has to think about Kristina Cotterra, the reporter who asked Castle for a date on live television when Beckett and Castle started dating and she wanted to keep it a secret. His date with her had gone out of hand but he did everything to keep her off him – she even listened to his attempts to fight her off when he accidentally called him and she heard the struggle inside the loft.

Why didn't she fight Vaughn harder? Yes, she was hurt that Castle apparently lost interest in her, and damn it, Vaughn said all the right things to manipulate her into an affair with him although he knew that she was in a relationship, a serious relationship. This guy definitely lost every reason to be admired in her eyes. Even if he cleans water in Africa and tries to cure cancer – it doesn't change that he tried to get her to sleep with him despite Castle.

But it also doesn't change the fact that she didn't fight his advances harder, making it clear that she loves Castle. Because even if she doesn't know where they are heading right now, she knows one thing for sure: They love each other. Deeper than she ever experienced. What they have is real. She needs to fix this. She has to.

She sighs heavily, unlocking her phone again to see if she's got new messages or calls she missed but nothing. Why doesn't he answer her calls and messages? She opens her contact sheet and calls the loft.

"Hello?" A young, female voice answers the phone after several rings, sounding a bit breathless and distracted.

"Hey, Alexis, it's Kate. Is your dad home?" Biting her lip she curses herself because of how strained her voice sounds.

"No, not yet. Why? Did something happen?" Alexis is instantly alerted, instantly on edge, instantly fearful of losing her father like Kate lost her mother at her age. Kate takes a long breath to calm herself down, to ease her voice.

"No! No, everything is fine ... I was just heading out and wanted to bring dinner but can't get a hold of him." She pinches the bridge of her nose, she knew it. She knew he was distant when he went home earlier so she could do paperwork. She saw the downcast look when he thought she wasn't looking. Something is off between them. Something broke during this case. Or was it broken before? She sighs heavily, almost forgetting about Alexis on the phone.

Alexis says after a while of silence. "It's about Eric Vaughn, isn't it?"

Kate's breath catches, her voice is a little bit too high when she answers. "You know about it?"

Now it's Alexis' turn to sigh. "Yeah, he was really worried. He talked to me about it." He talked to Alexis about it? Oh, god, please, no, she's going to hate her again, and with good reason.

"Nothing happened, Alexis!" She presses her fingers against her temple, her head pounding.

"I know, Kate. I know that you love my dad. It's just ... It's Eric Vaughn. Dad has been looking up at him for ages and him being interested in you? Phew. And gram said something about you not being committed. I think ..."

"She said what? I love him Alexis, he knows that. I would never betray him. Never." Kate huffs angrily, rubs her forehead with the back of her hand. "Why doesn't he trust me?"

"Kate, I know. I know. Gram was just ... being Gram. You know that she's not always tactful. She thinks it's her job to keep Dad grounded but does more damage than good ... But I don't think that this is why he was so worried."

"What do you mean?" Kate sights up straigther, listening more intently.

"I don't know. Dad doesn't really talk openly about his feelings." Kate huffs. Yeah, tell me about it. "But when he told me about Eric Vaughn and you staying with him to protect him, he wasn't talking about what could happen, he wasn't talking about you. He was talking about Eric Vaughn. But honestly, Kate, I don't know, it's just a feeling. I don't know much about his past relationships, I was too young to really understand what happened and he never really talked about it. Not about Gina, not even about Mom. He always wants me to have my own opinion. So I honestly don't know if something happened that triggered him. He normally doesn't talk to me about stuff like that." Yeah, with me neither, just like Meredith said. He knows all about me and I don't know anything about him.


The evening traffic is thickening with every ray of sun that leaves the sky, with every shadow that grows longer. So she decides against her car or calling a cab to find him. But the thought of using the subway filled to the brim with people and their stories, their tragedies and sitting still feels too stifling in her current antsy condition. She has to find him, needs to talk to him and with every ring that remains unanswered her anxiety grows and she becomes more restless.

So she walks, briskly. She walks the twenty minutes to the Old Haunt, dodging passerbys on her way, searching the crowds for his chestnut hair, for his blue eyes or his lopsided grin when their eyes'd meet. Although she highly doubts that he'd smile at her right now.

She knows that she screwed up. She knew it all along that it would happen. That she would be their end. Thats why she waited so long to take the risk of losing him. Her anxiety creeps through her veins, closes her throat making it harder and harder for her to breathe. This can't be the end. It can't end now. Or ever. She doesn't want to lose him.

She really, really needs to find him, talk to him, explain. And tell him. She really needs to tell him. But she has to fix things first, has to make sure that he knows that she never was interested in Vaughn, that it's him she loves and wants in her life. That he is her one and done and that nobody will every have the possibility to come anywhere near what he is for her. He is everything. Her partner in life and crime. No charming smile and British accent will every change that. No blinding career and impressive charity and save the world projects can ever change how she sees him, how he saves her everyday just by being him and how he sees her like nobody saw her ever before.

Eric Vaughn was just a sick temptation, projected by her hurt feelings and insecurities but nothing more.

Her stomach is churning, troubled by her still growing anxiety and the missing food. Damn, she really should've allowed the boys to get something for her when they went out to get food. She was just feeling too worried to eat, too nauseaus because of everything that went wrong these past couple of days. Now she feels dizzy on top, yay.

Gosh, she needs to find him and fix it. Needs to be brave for once and simply tell him what she expects from them, how she imagines how their life will look like. And if he's really lost interest in her and that's all she ever gets from him she has to deal with it and spend the next four years showing him what they could be like, waiting for him like he did all this time for her. She knows how amazing they can be together and if she is brave enough to look past her insecurities she knows that it's what he wants from her.

What he would have asked for if she wouldn't be so broken. Hell, it took her nine months to give him the drawer. She's pretty sure that Castle probably would've asked her to move in, if he knew she wouldn't run. She has too much to lose now to run.

So she runs to him, fastens her pace and the thrumming of her feet on the pavement, breathes at every forced stop through the nausea and dizziness threatening to overcome her. When was the last time she ate at all? She left out breakfast this morning, too, damn.

The entry of the Old Haunt finally comes into view and she dials his number again, rushes through the door scanning the room as she strides to the bar startling the young man behind it.

"Hey Toby, have you seen Castle? Is he in the office downstairs?" He recovers fast and shakes his head continuing to clean used glasses.

"Miss B., no, haven't seen the boss today." She tightens the grip she has on the counter top, still trying to catch her breath.

"Damnit, Castle, where are you?", she mutters into her phone when his voicemail takes her call. Again.

"You can check, though." She nods at him, skips down the stairs and tries to open the door to his office. Locked. The failure drains her energy and she sways slightly as she turns back to the bar, clinging to the edge with whitening knuckles. The smell of stale beer and spilled alcohol hits her and her unsettled stomach.

"Whoa, hey there, Miss B., slowly please." Toby's hand steadies her on her elbow and guides her to one of the bar stools. "Please, sit down." She starts to protest but he shakes his head vehemently and insists. "Sit down for a moment, I'll bring you a glass of water and maybe something to eat? The boss will fire me if I'll let you leave now."

Her stomach churns again heavily at the thought of food. She's too upset now to eat something. She has to find Castle, she can't sit around here doing nothing while he might already have decided to quit on them.

"Water's enough, thank you. Or maybe some juice?" Toby nods and fixes her a glass of some thick looking juice that smells deliciously fruity and sets down a plate with some crackers, cheese and grapes. Grateful she sips at the juice, and nibbles at one cracker carefully.

"You okay? Do you want me to call him to pick you up?"

"Do I look so bad?", she jokes but the sincere look on Toby's face makes her swallow. She quickly pops some grapes and cheese into her mouth until Toby gifts her with a small smile.

"You look worried and frankly quite pale." She sighs, drowns the last bit of her juice and fishes a ten dollar bill out of her pocket.

"I'm fine, thank you." She taps on the table to say goodbye and flees the bar. It definitely helped settle her stomach and the dizziness, but she definitely needs to eat something real soon.

She runs her fingers through her hair desperately thinking where he might be. He's not at the loft, not at the Old Haunt ... She could go home and wait for him, he'll show up sooner or later but ... What if he made up his mind by then? No, no, she can't leave it like that, she needs to find him, let her actions speak that she's with him despite Vaughns blatant invites and advances right in front of him. Asshole. How could she ever let him nearly kiss her if the feelings of others mean so little to him?

Damnit, she told him she's in a serious relationship with Castle and still he tried to kiss her - and she let him! Ugh - and flirts with her right in front of him and asks her out. She can't forget the look on Castle's face, the horror, the shock, the hurt and the defeat when the doors of the elevator closed before him. The defeat haunts her the most.

"Damnit, Castle. Where are you?" She tries to call him again passing a park near the Old Haunt and hears the squeak of a swing set. The swings! On a hunch, she hails a cab, not stupid enough to try to walk again.