The Hands of Time

Part V

Rated: MA
Pairing: J/C
Summary: The hands of time stop for no one.
Disclaimer: The characters always belong the Paramount, and some of the script, but the story is mine...thank god for small favours.
Date: November 2000
827 words

The days grew longer and her patience grew shorter. She began to finally get used to this child she carried, but she knew she could not become attached to it. She knew she could not form a bond with it. She knew...she could not love it.

It, she knew the gender of the child, but she could not let herself acknowledge this. She couldn't, not for love or money. She had stopped talking about this child to Chakotay. At first the feeling of this thing growing inside her had mesmerized her. The child moving. Then she realized, she was forming a bond with it. She was becoming attached to it. She was beginning to love it.

She couldn't do it. If she kept a fair distance from it, she could ignore it. She could decide it wasn't real, or wasn't happening. But if she bonded with it, there would be no turning back. There would be no going ahead. There would just be a life in an endless limbo she called existence.

The problem was...existence on its own wasn't nearly enough.

She turned to Chakotay. She placed a hand on her distended abdomen. "Chakotay, what are we going to do?"

Chakotay looked to Kathryn. These were the first words she had muttered in nearly five months of silence, since the pregnancy was discovered. This was her awakening, or perhaps it was his. He wasn't sure. He went to her and enveloped her in a hug full of promise for the new days. "We'll deal with this and get through Kathryn. They, and I can't ask for anything more. No one can."

She began to cry; this was the first fit of emotion she had shown in almost as long as they had been here. "Oh god, how did we end up here? How did I end up pregnant and on an alien world? How did we end up agreeing to give up our one chance at happiness in the name of what? A way to go home a little quicker?" She sniffled, "Chakotay, the price is too high. It's not worth it. And what about Tom and B'Elanna?" Kathryn realized she had not spoken to those two since the beginning of their captivity on this god-forsaken planet. "Chakotay, we've been here for almost seven months...what happened to them?"

Chakotay held in his breath. "Kathryn, they're fine."

Kathryn held her breath as she looked to him, looking for the truth in his kind words. "How do you know that? How can I know that?" She hugged him tighter, and then she pulled away and looked up into his eyes. "Have you had contact with them?" Her eyes widened with comprehension. "You have haven't you? Why the hell haven't you told me anything?"

"Kathryn, you were out of it. You were having enough trouble dealing with your problems..."

She raised her voice another notch. "I'm the Captain, I have the right to know..."

"Kathryn, listen to yourself. Here, on this planet, you're not the Captain. Look around, there's nothing here. You promised to do something kind for an alien race..."

"I promised because I didn't have a choice Chakotay. I didn't want this. When I finally imagined us getting together it wasn't under these circumstances. I wanted us to have a family on Voyager, with all the people we know and love around us. I wanted Tom and B'Elanna to be their godparents. I wanted Naomi to love them like brothers and sisters." She waved her hands around. "This is not what I wanted. Now where are Tom and B'Elanna?" She punched him, "Where are they?"

Chakotay had had enough; He grabbed her arms. "Kathryn stop. They're fine. They live just up the creek."

Kathryn pulled away from Chakotay. "Don't ever touch me in anger again Chakotay. Do you hear me? I'm doing this because I have to. That's it." She had tears in her eyes as she said this and Chakotay knew that she didn't mean it.

He looked at her back as she proceeded down the creek. "Fine Kathryn, whatever you have to tell yourself to get through the day."

Kathryn heard his voice, and she heard his words. She refused to look around. She had no say over what happened to most of her crew, but these few she could, she would help. She would get them through this...her life depended on it. On knowing they were okay.

Existence was not enough, but action and hopeful measures were. And love was a side effect, and some day she might force herself to reap the benefits.

END PART V
TBC in PART VI

The song was 'Losing My Religion' by REM