Chapter 14 - World's Gonna See it (Post-TPM)
Author's Note: Thoughts, comments, suggestions?
~ Amina Gila
Life is... it is. It's as hard as ever, and it's massive and different and terrifying because I don't know what the rules are or where they lie. No one ever told me, so I have to go based on guesses and experience. I came later, so I have many classes to catch up on. Math is... fun. Honestly, numbers are literally the only thing that make a little sense in my life now and are a very good distraction from the confusing chaos.
I hate reading. I know Togruti, and I know the letters in Aurebesh, but I can't recognize words or read, and it takes me forever. Everyone notices, and that makes it worse. It feels like I'm somehow broken or defective or something, because I can't do the same obvious, basic stuff that everybody else can, and even if it takes them time to learn, too, they're younger.
The Force – as they call it – is... amazing, but I don't understand it. It takes a lot of time to catch on, especially because my teachers won't stop preaching about how I need to remain calm. Calm? How am I supposed to be calm?! I need to hurry up and learn this, so I can catch up to everyone else my age!
"Slow down," everyone tells me, and it drives me crazy like nothing else can, because I can't. I do this the same way I always do! What's wrong with that?
"You are full of much fear, young one," one of my teachers – I can't remember his name – says. "To be a Jedi, you must let it go."
"How?" I ask, scrunching my face in annoyance. I feel so small, and I hate it. I wish Anakin was here; I wish Kit or Shmi were here. I feel so much better when I'm holding someone's hand, and I can't understand why nobody else does it. I want to keep Ahsoka as close to me as I can, to make sure she's safe. We're in the same classes, but Anakin... is not. I haven't seen him since we came, and it's been a few days. I don't know when or if I'll see him again.
"Trust in the Force," he orders, "It will take care of you. Being a Jedi requires commitment, a dedication to the Code."
To the Code, which was suddenly introduced to my life and ripped away everything I love. I bite my tongue to keep back a scream of well then maybe I don't want it. It's not my place, and I don't dare say such a thing. I think it would be nice though. I'm so angry, so full of bottled-up emotions I can't let out. I can't deny lashing out at those around me – the younger ones, the only ones I can, and I feel bad every time, but I can't help it. The feelings are mutual, I think. They don't like me, either. I don't belong here, and they know it.
It's been an entire week before I see Anakin again, by which point I'm almost hysterical and upset enough to have thought – many times – about storming off to find him myself even if the Temple is far, far too big. I'd get lost if I tried.
"Ashla!"
Anakin is here, with his master, and now I know that affection is for some reason shunned among the Jedi, though I don't care because it's stupid. I throw myself into his arms without thinking twice. "Ani!" I cry, breaking down in tears.
"Sorry, it's been so long," he says, squeezing me tightly, "I thought I could come sooner, but this life is different."
"It so lonely," I whisper.
"I know," Anakin replies, "I am too." My arms tighten around him, fingers digging into his robes. They're rough and different from what I'm used to, and I hate it. "It'll be okay, Ash," he promises, "It will be."
I don't believe him. Want to. Can't. "I not know if I see you again," I mumble.
"Once in a while," he assures, "I'll be here. We have a lot to catch up on and our... schedule is busy, but we'll find time like we always have, okay?"
I nod my understanding; I hear him even if I can't believe it. "I miss Shmi," I whisper, "And Kit. And Jar Jar. And..."
"Me too." His voice chokes with emotion. "I've never been without her for so long, but the Jedi will take care of us."
I scrunch my face in annoyance again. "Not. No. Here not home."
"I know," Anakin replies, holding me close. "You said it on Tatooine at first too."
It's like there is no place in the galaxy I can truly call home anymore. I hardly know what it means, but I want it back.
"Do you see Ahsoka?" he asks.
I brighten, only marginally. It hurts seeing her older and knowing I missed so much of her life. "Yeah!"
"Class is confusing," he says, glancing up briefly – presumably to make sure Obi-Wan isn't in hearing range. He's not. I assume he left to give us some privacy, which is good, because I don't want anyone to see us. "I don't know how to... listen to something so long."
"Me too," I agree, grumpily. I'm used to being always moving, but that's not possible anymore. I can't, because I have to sit in a dumb chair and listen to someone blabbering and hope I don't accidently fall asleep in the meantime. There's no sand around to doodle in – probably the only thing I miss about that miserable dust-ball. "I not know how..."
"I don't know the rules," he confesses, "Master Obi-Wan never told me." We both pointedly ignore how he stumbles over the word 'master'. It has a very bad implication, and I don't understand why it's used by the Jedi. "No one else did either."
"I miss you," I mumble. "How much we... see each other?"
"I don't know." He moves back, holding me at arms-length. "I don't think it's often but... I can try to sneak in, maybe? Like you used to?"
I brighten instantly, excitement rushing through me. "Yes!"
Anakin smiles with a hint of excitement, though the depression he carries is still lingering right beneath the surface. "I'll map it out," he tells me, cheerfully. "I just have a few important questions."
I nod excitedly, grateful to finally have something to focus on.
It'll be difficult, but we arrange one seriously lopsided attempt that would only work occasionally, and not many times. I'm hyper enough that I want to tell someone, but Kitster isn't here, and that fact hurts enough that it somewhat diminishes my temporarily lightheartedness. I don't want to tell Ahsoka, because... there's no real reason, actually.
I feel a little better that night when I go to bed in the place where all Initiates sleep. We're in something clan-like, but none of them like me. I feel entirely out of place here. I'm used to either being alone or with Anakin or Shmi. They feel like home. These other children do not.
I'm so lonely when I sleep. I miss the feeling of warmth, of someone lying next to me. I close my eyes sometimes and imagine it with every vivid detail I can, and it helps sometimes, but sometimes I come back to myself and cry, knowing I'm all alone. It goes on like that for a while, until Anakin learns more about the Force, learns how to reach through our bond and wraps his presence around mine – he's still too little to be away on missions with his master. It's not the same, but it's still a reminder that I'm safe and not alone, that I can sleep without being afraid.
Sometimes, I feel those nights where Anakin cries, too – for his mother, for Qui-Gon, for me, for Kit, and for when Obi-Wan is away, leaving him behind at the Temple to go on missions himself – and he reaches for me. All we can do is cling to each other, wishing we had more.
**w**
My initial enthusiasm of becoming a Jedi and being free fades when depression overcomes me. I still drag myself through classes, but I'll often find myself staring blankly ahead of myself, wishing Shmi was here. I'm too tired to cry most of the time, or if I do I try to hide it, because I hate how everyone stares at me like I'm something perpetually wrong and broken.
I feel largely zoned out although it's been a few months. Anakin is as miserable as I am, and even if he acts cheerful around me, I can see and sense how he feels.
Obi-Wan is going on missions occasionally, and it leaves Anakin even more miserable, because he's lonely and is progressing faster than everyone else his age – I am too, in some ways, though it's difficult – and when his master is gone, he's left stuck with the younger children for some unfathomable reason. It's hard for him, because he's so far behind he's learning on a one-on-one basis with Obi-Wan in nearly everything so he can try to catch up to others his age. Adults are so weird. No offense to Obi-Wan... but I miss him too. He's light and calming and... something. Sometimes I think I'd feel safter if I latched onto him and refused to let go. I don't want to stay here with the others.
Maybe they're not outright hostile, but they'll often intentionally point out how different I am to rub it in my face that they're... superior or whatever. I know that already though. I know what it's like to feel like nothing, and I loathe how they make me feel the same. I thought that was gone.
I yell back at them, and I'd hit them if I thought I could and if I didn't always get dragged off and yelled at about Jedi rules or whatever for the next half hour by cranky adults who's names I don't care to remember. It makes me miss Cotan sometimes, and I'll often find myself with one hand pressed over the necklace I wear, carefully hidden beneath my robes lest the other children see and find another thing to harass me about.
I'm slowly moving forwards in the places I was stuck in before, but I still struggle in the Force. I can't understand the most basic parts, apparently, so my teachers finally find another padawan to teach me the basics of the Force. I stupidly hoped it would be Anakin at first, though they assured me it would be someone more experienced. I was almost insulted on his behalf. He's progressing amazingly quickly in the Force, after all. Why does that make everyone observe him with even more suspicion?!
Aayla, her name is. Aayla Secura. She's older than Anakin, but not much. She's calm and gentle in ways that remind me of him though, and I take an instant liking to her. She's safe and comforting in a way that reminds me a little of my biological mother, who I barely remember. I still remember the imprints of it though. I still remember how it felt when she carried me, when I would snuggle against her when I was even younger. I loved doing that; I did it with Shmi and somewhat with Anakin though that was different because he was so small.
Aayla is calm and patient, though. She starts by explaining the basics again, for once in a way that makes sense. "What about being calm do you struggle with?" she asks me, sitting opposite me, cross-legged in the meditative position we've been learning.
"I... I can't sit still," I acknowledge finally. Now that I'm here, my Basic has been improving, which I consider a major plus.
"Do you have too much energy?" she asks, tilting her head slightly, "Or are you... afraid of something?"
"Jedi aren't scared!" I retort firmly, even though I know what the answer is. Maybe. I don't know.
"Fear is an emotion, and a natural part of life."
I frown. "Jedi don't..."
"As Jedi, we must confront and move past our fears," Aayla explains, "That is the struggle of being a Jedi, but if we trust the Force and remain true to the Code, we will come through."
"How?" I ask, glumly. "Everyone say I'm too... emotional. They say Anakin is too emotional."
"You're young. You'll learn," she promises. "You were just brought here, and you're from a very troubled past. It will take time, but you are as capable of being a true Jedi as those around you. It will be a long, hard struggle, but it will pay off in the end."
Will it though? "I miss Ani," I blurt out. ... why did I just say that?!
She nods, though, as if it makes perfect sense. Maybe it does to her, but it hasn't to anyone else, and I don't really understand it. "That is natural," she replies, "You will adjust to it eventually, but remember that he is always there. Even if he is your friend, your life cannot revolve around him... and we're getting off-topic."
I drop my hands back to my knees where I think they're supposed to be, but the meditative pose has always confused me. I don't really understand the point. "Yes?" I ask. The your life cannot revolve around him makes me unreasonably angry – Anakin has done everything for me since we met. He saved my life. How could I not want to do everything for him?
"I'll work you through it again," the padawan replies, "And when you lose focus, I'll need you to tell me why."
"'kay," I mutter, crossly. I wish I could just do it normally.
The first thing that distracts is, well, the very fact that I'm afraid of being distracted. I don't know what's wrong with me that makes me feel like I'm incapable of doing anything useful, that something is wrong with me, but I can't tell her that. I try, but I... can't. It's not that I don't trust her, it's only that I don't know her, and she's not familiar. Even for as much as her kindness and patience appeals to me, I can't do it.
Instead, I tell Anakin the next time I see him.
"You are special," he tells me vehemently. "You're my best friend. You're a sister, and you're amazing. The Force brought you here, and you matter to it."
I smile faintly and hug him tightly. "You're the best friend in the galaxy," I tell him firmly. "Never ever forget that."
**w**
I suppose not everyone is bad. There is one youngling – Grogu, the same species of Yoda – that I adore. He's too little to talk, but he's tiny and adorable anyway, and he's always cheerful. I practically turn into a puddle of goo every time I see him, which is only in some Force-classes. I'm progressing faster now, which means I'll be moving on from him, which is... very sad. I'll miss him. Ahsoka is progressing, too, and I'm so proud of her. She does better than me in every way, and while I am grateful, I can't deny being jealous.
I'm still trying to get used to the weird food rules here. On Tatooine, it was simple. If you do good and do it fast, you get it. If you don't, you won't. It was really quite simple, but it's not like that here. I'm so accustomed to hunting; I don't know how to live without it. I miss the thrill of it sometimes, of being able to chase after something and catch it and break its neck if I'm fast and hungry enough. If I kill, I do it fast, and I hate the feel of death anyway, but sometimes – most of the time – I was too hungry to care, and I'd share it with Anakin, sometimes. I'd do it for him and Shmi and Kitster, too.
I hate hurting things, seeing them die, which is why I don't understand why so many children around me are so eager to become padawans to fight, or... bring justice, whatever, but I know many just want a fight. But doesn't that mean killing? How could someone look forwards to that?
I'm well accustomed to the sensation of death. I was surrounded by it on Tatooine, but it's confusing now that I'm not. I don't know how to live without it, without the constant fear. Aayla helped settle me into using the Force, and I still occasionally see her – we struck up a fast friendship that I don't think will break easily, especially after she confessed that she used to be a slave, too. Her current master freed her though, like Qui-Gon freed Anakin and intended to train him.
I still find myself flinching if someone moves too sharply or quickly, and the other children think it's funny. What they think is amusing about me afraid of being hit or otherwise harmed is beyond me. I want to punch them in the face.
... actually, I have punched them in the face. More than once. Did I feel regretful? Okay, maybe a little. Did I apologize? Yes, because apparently, I'm always the one in the wrong from the moment I came to the Temple, and I've been yelled at to control my temper more times than I can count. I wouldn't hate it quite so much if Anakin wasn't treated the exact same way.
He'll talk about it, sometimes, and cry, because here is so different from Tatooine – from the only life he's used to – but he knew how to deal with it there, he knew what to expect. It isn't like that here, and his master is... distant. Cold. Anakin wants to see him as something of a parent, but he can't. At least not yet. Personally, I think it reminds me of Cotan.
I miss Obi-Wan, because he hasn't gone out of his way to talk to me. He's a friend to me, but... I know what Anakin means.
We miss Shmi. She meant home to us, and she's gone now. Anakin wonders – more than me – what happened to her, if she's okay. Watto wasn't a kind master even if he was better than many, and I have no doubt he would have taken his frustration out on her. And I wish she was here, that she could take care of us, and we could be happy together, as a family.
Anakin is lonely. Very lonely. He's advanced for his age – mature, I think it's called – and none of the others around his age care to be around him. They're as mean to him as they are to me, if not more so.
On Tatooine we had friends – Kitster, Wald, Jira... many of the other slaves. We don't know anyone here. We left our entire life behind, and sometimes I think we didn't think it through. I don't miss the life and I never want to go back, but... sometimes I think I just can't do this.
I try to introduce Anakin and Aayla, and she doesn't have much time, but they seem to hit off well, which I couldn't be happier about. It turns out their masters were childhood friends or something, except Aayla's master was Knighted early, and Aayla was a bit older than Anakin when she was taken as a padawan.
It's been six months since we came to the Temple when Anakin drops by to meet me again. He seems an unusual mix between cheerful and nervous.
"Did you skip class?" I ask suspiciously, because I know he often is like this – skittish – when he thinks he'll be in trouble with his master.
"I went on my first mission," he replies, "It was easy, but I wasn't ready."
I gape at him, mind whirling. "You went on a mission?!" I shriek. "When?! I thought Obi-Wan say you couldn't!"
"He did," Anakin replies, sheepishly. "I – I slipped up. We ran into a band of pirates, and I was watching him fight, and I got carried away. He's – he's amazing, and I didn't notice them sneak up on me."
I wince sympathetically. "But you escape, right? What happened?
"I got captured and I threw a rock at him with the Force, but I – I shouldn't have gotten distracted." He huffs out a sigh, looking much too miserable. "My master didn't want me in the first place. He didn't. I wanted to come because I was lonely, so he finally let me because he's nice, but I messed up and I could've ruined the whole mission."
"You'll learn," I promise, ignoring the sudden surge of jealousy that he gets to do something interesting and useful while all I can do is sulk around inside a giant building. I want to help people, but I can't do that here. I can't do anything here, except hit people and make everyone's lives miserable.
"I need to be better," he mumbles.
"You did good!" I argue.
"I shouldn't go anymore though," he says, miserably. "I – I could be used against my master. They tried to steal his lightsaber in exchange for my life."
"They're mean," I declare, firmly, "Very, very mean. Did you hit him hard?"
Anakin makes a face at me. "I don't know. I think so. Maybe."
"Good. They deserved it."
"Jedi don't seek vengeance," he reminds, blatantly quoting Obi-Wan.
"They deserved it," I repeat stubbornly because nothing can change my mind about that. If they were able to make Anakin feel this bad, they definitely deserved it.
"I – my master was always a Jedi," he adds, quietly. "He doesn't understand this... He didn't want me, but Qui-Gon got us together. I keep thinking that had to mean something." I know what goes without saying – that he needs to believe that, because if he doesn't, his struggles will be meaningless.
"It does," I promise, "It'll work. It will." I have to believe that. It'll be okay. It will.
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