Chapter Twenty Six

Guilt & Doubts

MELODY

Perched on the small ledge outside the mountain cave, Melody pulled the hood over her head as the cold winds blew against the side of her face. It was going to be yet another stormy blizzard day. This would be the seventh or eighth day in a row since…

With squinted eyes, she stared out at the horizon. It was morning but she hadn't seen the sun in days. The snow storm was so ferocious that she couldn't see past fifty yards. All she could see was snow tipped mountains and the plains covered in pure, unblemished white.

There was no sign of civilisation in sight, and rightly so. After their defeat, she, Deirdre and Eleanor had retreated as far away from the capital as they could to put distance between them and their enemies, and had only stopped to seek shelter in the mountain cave when the blizzards grew too harsh for them to go on.

Damn this weather. She silently cursed and turned her gaze back towards the direction of Exon's capital. Where it'd all happened. Where she and her allies had suffered their most debilitating defeat thus far, and that was considering that the Warriors had all gone through some rather tough times together before.

They'd had been stranded on an island after having been banished by Kane's totem magic. They'd suffered defeat at the hands of the Pilgrim and the Elemental Sorcerers. They'd thought Elsa had turned against them and become the enforcer of the Pilgrim. They'd been divided and sent to a whole different dimension. And they'd even recently fought against the Crimson Order and lost bitterly.

But none of those low points would ever come close to the one they'd just suffered a week ago. The Warriors had been divided. The Coalition, with Anna and Kristoff leading them, were fighting a losing battle against Kane and the Imperial Horde. Jade had been turned into a Mage Slayer by the Crimson Order. Tracy and Elsa had been captured by Hans. And Maui had…sacrificed himself in battle.

Melody shut her eyes tight, refusing to let the tears flow again. No, damn it. She'd been over this already, with an entire week for her to grief. She wasn't going to allow herself to break down again.

Maui, the last friend she thought would fall in battle, had died in the fight against the Last Emperor. Melody felt the lack of the fallen demigod's presence deeply, and she could still hear his cheerful, optimistic and deep rumbling voice telling her that they would all make it back soon and be raising a toast to their latest victory.

But this time was different. Even though other friends like Will and Jordan had fallen before, this time felt different. This time, the infallible demigod had been the one to fall in combat. He was the one who'd recruited her to form the Warriors in the very beginning. Maui had been the friend who'd swooped down onto her kingdom's shores and offered her redemption for her past mistakes, opening up the door to a whole new chapter of her life. If it wasn't for him, she would probably still be living under a cloud of guilt without any hope of redemption. He'd changed all that but now, he was gone.

And I'm still here. Melody opened her eyes and glared angrily out into the blinding white landscape. Why am I still here? Why did I survive but he didn't? How many more of my friends have to die in front of me? She clenched her fists till the whites of her knuckles showed, not caring that her bare hands were growing numb with the cold.

Tears stung her eyes and she blinked them away furiously. I've been over this. Why am I still crying? Melody clenched her jaw and wiped her eyes with the back of her hand. Maui is gone and there's nothing I can do about it. There's nothing anyone can do anymore. Except try to survive.

Giving the vast landscape obscured by the snow storm one last scathing glare, she offered up a silent "I'm sorry" to the still figure of Maui whom she'd buried somewhere out there in the hundred of acres of snow. Then, she turned away from the edge and went back into the mountain cave that they'd been stuck in over the past week.

"Oh, good. You're back." Deirdre said. Her hair was bedraggled and she looked ready to murder someone. "Any luck today?"

Melody shook her head.

"Figured as much." She scowled as per usual. "Even if we could finally get out of this cave and get a move on, we'd still have to wait for this pig to get up." She jerked a finger over at the other end of the mountain cave.

Melody looked over at the sleeping form of Eleanor, curled up in the corner with a thin sheet covering her and snoring loudly. The former Empress had fought at their side against Hans and the Crimson Order, but only for her own goals and purposes. And now that her demon had been extricated from her by the Last Emperor during their battle in the Throne Room, Eleanor was little more than a cumbersome deadweight.

"Still think it was a good idea to free her from the dungeon?" Deirdre said.

Melody gave her a rather dry look. "What do you think?" She glared over at Eleanor who continued to snooze at the side of the cave. All she wanted to do was throw her to Hans and the Crimson Order after all she'd put the entire continent through. Here, lying before her, was the villain responsible for starting the war that'd ravaged many kingdoms and cities, started a continental economic crisis, and caused the death of tens of thousands.

And on a more personal note, this was the woman who'd invaded her home, occupied her kingdom, oppressed her people, and locked up her parents. What's more, the villain had used her demon powers to send Melody, Anna and Maui to a whole different dimension to get them out of her way. God knows all I want to do is see her get what she deserves.

But no. Deep down, Melody knew she couldn't do it. As much as she hated the villain, she couldn't in good conscience throw her to certain death. No one deserves such a cruel fate. Instead, she lightly scoffed and turned back to Deirdre.

"But as much as I hate to admit it, we need her." Melody said, grinding her teeth.

"You sure?" Deirdre sounded uncertain. "I'm pretty sure between the two of us, we can come up with something."

"Deirdre, we've been over this before." Melody sighed. "Countless times. Maui's gone. Tracy and Elsa have been captured. Jade's brainwashed. That goddamned mercenary bailed on us and vanished. Anna and the Coalition must have retreated by now. Or if they haven't, they're already dead. We're on our own." She paused to swallow the lump in her throat. "We're all that's left."

Deirdre shifted on the rock she'd been seating on. "But still-"

"There is no 'still'." Melody said in a more snappy tone than she'd intended. With much spite, she pointed a stiff finger in Eleanor's direction. "She's our only plan right now."

"Glad to know you girls think I'm important." Eleanor slurred, having stirred from her slumber. "You know I could hear you both squabbling in my sleep, right?"

Deirdre lunged and walked over to Eleanor briskly. She grabbed her younger sister by the collar and jerked her to her feet, ignoring the former Empress' flailing.

"Let go!" Eleanor squawked.

"You self-entitled little bitch." Deirdre growled. "The only reason you're still alive is because we need you. Otherwise I would've incinerated your ass a week ago."

"Aww, and here I thought it was because you still loved your baby sister." Eleanor mocked her, batting away Deirdre's hands hostilely. She staggered away from Deirdre, putting some distance between them. "Remember," she pointed a finger at Deirdre. "You need me."

Melody eyed her suspiciously as Eleanor crossed the cave to get herself some water from the pot boiling at the other end of the small cave. After a week stuck with Eleanor, she was no less wary of the former Empress.

Taking a sip of hot water from the makeshift cup fashioned out of a stone with a deep impression, Eleanor glanced at Melody. "Any luck today?"

"No." Melody said shortly.

"Damn it." Eleanor snarled, hurling the stone across the cave. "I need my powers back. The longer we sit here, the longer I'm stuck as a useless human."

"You were useless with or without your powers." Deirdre retorted acidly, picking up the stone. "And watch it. We don't have very many of these cups."

"To hell with your cups. I want out of here." Eleanor snapped at her sister. "I want my powers back."

"You want to head out there by yourself?" Melody waved a hand at the howling blizzard outside. "Be my guest."

"Bah." Eleanor spat acidly, glaring at Melody. "You're lucky I don't have my powers anymore, or I'd have dismembered you the first chance we got."

"And here I thought we had a truce." Melody remarked dryly.

"Remember, you're just worms compared to me." Eleanor pointed rudely at her and Eleanor. "You're both nothing, and I-"

Deirdre grabbed her sister again and pushed her up against the cave wall, causing bits of debris to crumble and fall into the former Empress' red, dishevelled hair. "Go on." Deirdre said, one hand beginning to glow red. "Finish that sentence, sis."

"Unhand me!" Eleanor struggled furiously.

"Go on then!" Deirdre said a little louder, drawing back one glowing hand. "What are you?"

"Deirdre!" Melody shouted, feeling very tired all of a sudden. This scene had grown familiar over the past week. Being stranded with the two squabbling siblings in this cave was pure torture. In a way, it was like watching what Anna and Elsa could have been if they'd been at odds. And she didn't like it one bit.

Growling, the fiery sorceress whirled round. "What?"

"Please, just…" Melody gestured lethargically. "Put her down. We need her alive."

"Damn right you do." Eleanor hissed, twisting out of her older sister's grip and getting up in her face. "You both need me to get to the Hoffensol temple on the other side of these mountains. You need me to regain my demon so that I can teleport you back to your precious Coalition. You need me to survive, and don't you forget it." With that, she stalked away to return to her corner of the cave to sulk.

Deirdre stared after Eleanor, indignation in her eyes.

Melody came over to put a hand on her shoulder. "Thank you."

"We should've just left her in that dungeon to rot. She damn well deserved it." Deirdre hissed. "After everything she did to us. To our parents. To me."

"Deirdre, I-"

"Don't." Deirdre shook her head and slipped out of Melody's grip. She walked towards the entrance of the cave. "I need some air."

Melody let her go, knowing there wasn't anywhere else the fiery sorceress could go anyway. Deirdre needed space, and Melody understood that. To be honest, she needed space too. Retreating to her own corner of the small cave where her belongings were, she sat down and leaned against the wall.

From the peripheral of her eye, she saw her compound bow, quiver and her pack of weapons and essentials leaning against the wall. Reaching over, she picked up her signature weapon. Holding the riser, she looked down at it. Her hand began to tremble slightly, though it wasn't from the cold. She shut her eyes and put the bow back in its place against the wall. I'm not ready. Not yet.

Melody turned her gaze to the entrance where she could see the silhouetted figure of Deirdre outlined against the blinding white of the storm that continued to rage on outside. The fiery sorceress was getting as tired of this place as she was. And if the three of them didn't get out of here soon, they would be at one another's throats before long.

ANNA

"Two hundred and three. I'll make sure to have the official report delivered to your assistant." Frederick said solemnly.

Anna lowered her eyes. By all standards, that wasn't a terrible loss, but it was a loss nonetheless. Men and women who'd given their lives on that slope this morning to hold back the Imperial Horde. Men and women who would never again see their families because of this cursed war. She lifted her eyes. "And roughly how many do you think they lost?"

"Thousands, likely." Frederick said after a pause. "Things could've gone a lot worse for us, but we're still here." He gave her a small, comforting smile. "We'll get through this, Ma'am. Don't lose hope."

"Thanks, Fred." Anna forced herself to smile. Though in her mind, she was still troubled. Even after Frederick had excused himself to return to hold a meeting with his general staff, Anna continued gazing out blankly into the horizon. The Coalition had made camp, and all things considered, they'd made good progress today. No doubt the counterattack this morning had slowed Kane's forces down, giving them a generous head start. With that much distance between the Coalition and the Imperial Horde, they stood a good chance of actually making it to the city of Korynes to rendezvous with the Vjorman division and barricade themselves in behind the city's walls. The sun had disappeared several hours ago, setting it up to be a terribly cold night once again.

Anna looked up into the sky as snow continued falling and a chilly breeze drew goosebumps on her skin. Pulling the fur overcoat tighter over her shoulders, she exhaled deeply. Yet another day that her sister and friends hadn't returned. Before she could continue down that train of thought, she shook her head. No. She wasn't going to go down that path again.

Another thought had been plaguing her mind all day. And it was that she'd almost caused them all the battle today. What if Kristoff and Frederick hadn't acted quickly on her behalf? Would they all have ended up dead on that hill today? She couldn't bear the thought. But she could trace the inception of the problem back to the night before when the Duke had planted that seed of doubt in her mind. Had she really changed that much to the point where her single decision could mean either victory or death of the entire Coalition? When did she suddenly abolish the rules of the Confederation and seize power for herself?

Kristoff's heavy footfalls in the thick snow garnered her attention, and she turned to see her husband approaching with a small tin of hot soup in his gloved hands. "Here," he held it out for her. "Drink it while its still hot."

She accepted it and sipped gratefully. The hot chicken soup, though thin and dilute, restored some warmth to her freezing body. Sighing contentedly, she passed it back to Kristoff and sat down on a log that lay conveniently a few feet away from their shared tent in the centre of the Arendellians' side of camp. A wave of fatigue overwhelmed her and she suddenly felt like throwing up. Closing her eyes, she tilted back her head to draw in a deep breath to steady herself.

"Are you alright?" Kristoff sat down beside her, worry evident in his features.

She nodded, trying to ride out the nausea.

"You've been out of it since last night." He turned to look her in the eye. "Would you tell me what's going on so I can help you?"

Anna slowly blew out a long, cold breath of cold mist, trying to avoid Kristoff's eyes. "It's what Duke Helmsley said to me last night."

"What did he say?"

"I confronted him. Asked him why he tried to have us killed. But he turned the tables on me and told me that he wasn't the only one who'd changed." Anna paused, drawing in another long breath, afraid that her voice would go shaky. "He told me that war changes a person, and that I was no exception. I'd changed too, and for the worse. He accused me of seizing control of the Coalition to satisfy my own ends, turning my back on all the laws of the Confederation. He said I'd become just as much a tyrant as the one we've been trying to fight this whole time and that I would lead us to our doom."

"Nonsense," Kristoff sounded appalled. "You actually believe any of that?"

"It's…set me thinking." Anna admitted. "His words affected me more than I thought. And I came to the conclusion that…he was right."

"You're not serious."

"I did seize control of the Coalition, breaking the rules of the Confederation. I single-mindedly decided a week ago that it was in our best interest to retreat and look where we are now?"

"We would've been massacred if we didn't retreat." Kristoff insisted. "You made the right call."

"And what about today? I froze on that hill because I didn't have the courage to make that choice. To either lead us to victory or to doom. And it nearly cost us all." Anna blinked away the tears gloomily. "Helmsley was right. I'd changed, and it wasn't for the better. I almost got us all killed today. That makes me no better than the enemies we've been trying to fight."

"Are you even listening to yourself?" Kristoff took her gloved hand. "The Anna I married and fought alongside with wouldn't even bother with the Duke's words. She would be too busy fighting to save the day. Look at me." He gently turned her chin to look at him.

Anna blinked back more tears, forcing herself to look at her husband. There was only compassion and tenderness in his eyes.

"You haven't changed for the worse. You did what you had to do when the Coalition was on the brink of collapse. If you hadn't seized control, we would've all been destroyed on the plains of Luftzeit. You saved us all, Anna. And we're all better off because of it. We now have a fighting chance to survive and get back to Korynes because of you."

"How can you be so sure?" She mumbled.

"Because I know you." Kristoff's tone was firm but kind. "The Anna I know has a heart bigger than anyone else I know, and she will get us through this. Because she has our best interests at heart. So Confederation laws be damned if breaking them will save tens of thousands of lives." He kissed her on the forehead and wrapped her in his arms. "You're doing the right thing. Don't doubt yourself."

Anna allowed herself to be embraced, resting her head against the scarf around his neck. "What would I do without you?" She kissed his cheek and closed her eyes. She knew she wasn't anywhere near a hundred percent yet, but her husband had set her on the road to recovery. His words had begun to dispel the doubt in her mind like an antidode for a virus.

"I'm always here for you." Kristoff whispered. "I'm not going anywhere."

"My queen!" Hayley's voice echoed through the air and grew louder. "Your Majesty!"

Hayley's coming. And it sounds urgent. Anna pulled herself away from Kristoff and stood up, searching for the source of the voice.

"Yes, I'm here!" She called out. Thankfully her voice did not waver. "What is it?"

Hayley rounded the bend, coming into sight. She looked more flustered than normal, her hair in a mess and her glasses out of place. Adjusting her spectacles nervously, she waved a letter in her hand. "Your Majesty. Your Royal Highness. You're never going to believe this."

"What is it?" Kristoff said, standing beside Anna.

"Critical intelligence from the Field Marshal's reconnaissance unit," Hayley explained, still out of breath. "The signallers intercepted coded messages from the capital to the Imperial Horde. They just managed to crack the code based on the light transmissions from the lamps the enemy use. When the Field Marshal received the decoded message just now, he told me to take this straight to you."

"What's the message?" Anna held her breath, her heart beating fast.

With shaky hands, Hayley nervously held out the letter to Anna who took it quickly.

"Empress dead," Anna read out loud, her entire mind suddenly lit on fire and every trace of exhaustion gone as the words before her changed the face of the game entirely. "Chancellor Westergaard revealed marriage to Empress before death and by law is new Emperor of Exon."

Author's Commentary:

I'd wager that you might have some idea of what Melody might be going through: Symptoms of trauma. Now this might be one of the most (if not the most) tricky character arcs I've ever conceived and tackled. And frankly, it's both challenging and enriching to put myself out of my comfort zone and explore Melody's trauma. But of course, I wanted to be very careful about getting this character arc right.

Fun fact, I actually had "Intro to Psychology" as one of my modules last semester (at the time of this writing which is March 2021), so I did learn about PTSD and ASD (Acute Stress Disorder). And while I didn't exactly want to label one of my key protagonists as suffering from any specific disorder, the symptoms are more or less present, so you can draw your own conclusions. I think that although it does make the story darker, it paints the character in a more realistic light. Heroes can suffer from trauma and depression too; not all of them march off into the sunset after a victorious battle. Sometimes they lose, and live with the scars of war.

So far in this book, I've been trying my best to portray the heroes as broken and trying to find their way back, as opposed to the earlier stories when they usually emerge victorious. This time, they face a villain who doesn't just pose a physical challenge to them. Hans gets inside their heads (like the master manipulator he is), and this time our heroes have to fight a different sort of battle. A psychological one, just as much as a physical one. I think it'll eventually make the payoff a lot more satisfying when we get there, won't it?