Precipice by shadowsong26
Milestones: Chapter 15
Everything was still just a little bit fuzzy when Anakin woke up, and cold-which was nothing new, he was almost always cold, as if the heat of the desert had been seared into his bones-but that was part of the dizziness, too; his mind was cold and dim and foggy around the edges, which made sense, after a few seconds, when the rest of his brain caught up.
He remembered the forest, and the fight, and Infernalis's knife going into his side.
Which lined up with what he was feeling-bloodloss cold, maybe with an additional edge of deep-space cold; and everything was taking a few extra seconds to come into focus. Pain hadn't caught up yet, so there were probably drugs involved, too, but mostly bloodloss. Not a concussion, at least; Obi-Wan probably wouldn't have let him sleep if that had happened.
Obi-Wan.
Instinctively, he stretched out just a little with the Force, and-yes, there was his old Master; only a little more worried than usual underneath his usual calm.
Good. That's good. Encouraging.
He opened his eyes; found himself staring at the familiar-if slightly out-of-focus-ceiling above his bunk on the Waterfall. Which meant he and Obi-Wan were still in transit, which meant he'd probably only been out a couple of hours.
Wait, unless-
He shifted and-ah, yes. There was the pain; but at least the knife was gone.
He swore under his breath and stopped, waiting for the room to stop spinning. He was pretty sure that-the spinning-was just him, really. He couldn't hear the sublights over his heartbeat, pounding in his ears, and he knew these engines; just the softer, smoother hum of the hyperdrive. Which wouldn't make the bunk unsteady like this unless something was very, very obviously wrong.
And-yeah, okay, now he vaguely remembered landing in the dark; Obi-Wan half-carrying him in to see Dr. Naar, who was the same as always, with that long-suffering, Professional smile that was just a Medic Thing- or maybe a Medic Dealing With Me Thing -and confident hands.
He must have passed all the way out again after that, or been sedated. Which made sense; Anakin knew from experience that the knife would hurt just as much coming out as it had going in. If not more.
After a few seconds, when the universe was as steady as it was likely to get for a while, he moved again, one hand against his side to keep from ripping the stitches or causing more damage, and sat up.
/What the hell are you doing?/
"Good morning to you too, buddy," Anakin said, ignoring the way Artoo beeping at him was drilling into his skull. "We just went into hyperspace, I'm guessing? S'probably what woke me up."
/Yes,/ Artoo said, lowering his volume without Anakin having to ask.
"Thanks," Anakin said, reaching out and running his free hand over the droid's dome. "Leia's okay?"
/She and the Captain are fine,/ he said. /Heading back to Crait. They'll meet us there./
"Good," he said, almost falling back onto his bunk in relief. "Anything else I should know about?"
/Senator Organa is still at the base,/ Artoo said. /But probably not for much longer. Want to bet on whether or not you'll see him?/
Anakin hoped he would-more current information about Luke and Padme was always welcome, and Bail was really the best source-but maybe it was the lingering sedatives, or the bloodloss, or the pain which had subsided to a dull throb, but he couldn't get all worked up about it right now. Not enough to back-and-forth the way Artoo was suggesting, anyway.
"Nah, you'd probably win all my credits again," he said. "What do you even do with credits? Hey, you're not letting anyone else upgrade you, are you?"
/Don't be ridiculous,/ Artoo said. /You should lie back down. You're still damaged./
"Yeah, yeah," he said, but now that he was awake, and likely to stay that way for at least an hour, he knew he'd probably go a little bit stir-crazy if he just lay there, staring up at the blurry ceiling.
I'll go wait in the cockpit instead, he decided. Either Obi-Wan will be there, and he can give me an update, or I can get a better idea where we are. And just moving around for a bit will help.
/You're not going to do the sensible thing, are you./
"You sound so surprised."
Artoo beeped something very rude, and positioned himself where Anakin could lean on him.
"Thanks, buddy," he said, then braced himself and headed towards the cockpit.
Obi-Wan was in the cockpit when they arrived, staring out at the endless swirl of hyperspace; he looked up and stood when the door slid open.
"I thought I felt you getting up," he said, with maybe a little bit of disapproval.
"You know me," Anakin said. "I don't like sitting still."
Out of habit, he headed for the pilot's seat, but Obi-Wan caught his arm.
"...right," he said, taking the few extra steps to sink into the copilot's seat instead. "Bloodloss, painkillers, someone else has to drive."
"I know how difficult it is for you to give that up," Obi-Wan said, fond amusement rippling out through the Force as he settled back into the pilot's seat himself. "Not that there's much driving going on right now, of course, but."
"How far out are we?"
"With redirects, about eight hours," he said.
So Anakin had slept through at least one of those, if he was calculating things from Dr. Naar's right. Sedation had definitely happened.
"What'd Naar say?" he asked. "I was kinda…"
"Unconscious, for most of it," Obi-Wan finished for him. "No poison, like you thought, and the knife missed hitting any vital organs. You were lucky. Everything was fairly straightforward, apart from a nicked artery. He didn't have a proper transfusion on hand, but he gave you some synthetics, and asked me to advise you to stay down for a week or so. And started you on a course of antibiotics, just in case."
Synthetics would explain the weird taste in his mouth, but hey, at least he was up and around. And given how long he'd been laying on that forest floor-yeah, the rest made sense, too.
"Yeah, well, we'll see about that," he said, shifting in the copilot seat to find a more comfortable position.
Obi-Wan rolled his eyes, but let that pass. For now. "How are you feeling?"
"Eh," Anakin said. "I've had worse. Artoo said Rex and Leia were okay, already on their way to Crait?"
"Yes," he said. "It's been a few hours since we spoke, but they should beat us there by a good four hours, even after dropping Hondo off."
Anakin's heartbeat kicked up several notches, and he straightened up and stared at Obi-Wan. "Hondo." He couldn't possibly have heard that right, because if Hondo was somehow involved-
Obi-Wan held up a hand to cut him off before he could say anything else. "It's not ideal, and it's not what I would have chosen. Believe me. But things happened very quickly. Hondo had access to bacta culture vials and contacted us to assist with retrieving them, and Rex and I agreed. We had just finished our exfil when we got Leia's call. Hondo had been shot, there wasn't time to separate before going to meet her."
And, okay, yeah, he could see that, and Hondo was-not their enemy exactly, but at the same time...
He didn't like it. He really didn't like it. And Hondo knew about Leia now. There was no way they'd be able to keep her secret from someone as clever and dangerous as the pirate, not when the two of them were on the same karking ship.
Infernalis' voice echoed back at him. You know that won't protect her, don't you.
But-on the other hand, Hondo wasn't their enemy. And he was sure as hell no friend to the Empire.
Every time they'd crossed paths, the last thirteen years, Hondo had been either with them or just a little to the left. Never against them.
Was that enough, though? Could he trust that? With Leia?
What choice did he have?
Obi-Wan let him fight through that for a moment, then softly asked, "Would you have done anything different?"
"I don't know," Anakin said. "But I still don't like it."
"Nor do I," Obi-Wan said. "Nor does Rex, but he spoke with Hondo in transit, and seems to think it'll be all right. At least for now."
That...helped. A little. Not that he didn't trust Obi-Wan's judgement, but Rex didn't like Hondo the way Obi-Wan did, so if both of them at least thought it was under control, making the best of a bad situation, Anakin could-he didn't trust Hondo. Not with Leia. But he did trust the two of them.
"All right," he said, finally. "All right. But next time we see Hondo, I'm going to talk to him and be sure."
"Of course," Obi-Wan said. "I would expect nothing less."
"Good," Anakin said. Maybe more sharply than he meant, or should have, but...he still didn't like this. Couldn't talk himself into liking it.
Leia had come so close to exposure, twice now, and that just-that just brought up all the old instincts that Infernalis had thrown in his face.
We're both weapons. Attack dogs. And we're both very good at it.
Infernalis hadn't been wrong. And that meant...that meant a lot of things, most of them not good.
Because part of Anakin still really wanted to get let off the leash. Despite Rex and Obi-Wan and their assurances. Despite his own knowledge that that would be a bad idea. Despite all the control he'd fought so hard to build over the last thirteen years.
And because...
He took a breath, winced when that pulled on the stitches, and closed his eyes. Both to help him focus on regaining control over himself, and because-hyperspace didn't normally bother him, but between that brief jolt of adrenaline, the bloodloss, and the meds Dr. Naar had given him, it was just a little too much swirling around and disorientation.
"...everything all right?" Obi-Wan asked.
"Yes. No. I don't…No."
"All right," Obi-Wan said, and fell silent, waiting for him to find the words.
"Have you ever thought about after?" Anakin asked, after a long moment.
Obi-Wan didn't answer right away. "Sometimes," he said. "I'm not sure what it will look like, or...well, even after the war is won, it will take a great deal of work to rebuild the government."
"I know," he said. "I know we're getting closer-we have the base now and everything, but…"
"It does feel very far away sometimes, doesn't it."
"Yeah."
He could feel Obi-Wan's eyes on him. "...does this have something to do with what Infernalis said, back there?"
And even if, maybe, a part of Anakin had been hoping he'd ask, hoping he wouldn't have to bring it up directly-everything was still so close, and so raw, and most of him really, really regretted taking the conversation anywhere close to there.
"It's probably just the pain, and the bloodloss, and the...whatever talking," Anakin tried. "It won't matter tomorrow."
"Anakin." It wasn't exasperated, or reproachful, just...cutting through the noise. Getting him back on track.
Like Obi-Wan was so good at doing.
I can trust the people holding my leash.
It was his turn to hesitate before answering.
"I know you said you wanted to wait a little, before we talked about it," Obi-Wan said, after the silence had stretched on for almost a full minute. "Perhaps I shouldn't have brought it up."
No. No, that was-it was out there now, and besides, he had promised that they'd talk about it later, after all, and after thirteen years, and knowing how close he'd come to burning everything down, Anakin knew how important it was to actually follow through.
But he also knew himself, and Obi-Wan, and their lives, and the longer he waited, the likelier it was one or both of them would get distracted, and they'd never get around to it.
Here we go.
He took another breath, let it out slowly, and felt himself settle. Just a little. Just enough to get through this.
"No, it's...I don't know," Anakin said. "Just...makes me think about after. This is...I'm good at this. The fighting part. The war part. He wasn't-wrong."
"About you being a cunning warrior?" Obi-Wan said. "He never was a fool, he wouldn't be wrong about that."
"No, not exactly. I mean, yeah, but..." He shifted in his seat, which pulled a little on his stitches, which he refused to let distract him. "He said I'm an attack dog, like him. Just fighting for the other side. And he wasn't wrong."
"He was," Obi-Wan said. "That's not what you are, Anakin-"
"Isn't it?" he interrupted. "It's what I'm good at, like I said. And...and sometimes I wonder what I'll do after. What I'll be, after. I don't know that I've ever been or done anything else."
Once again, Obi-Wan took a moment before answering, and Anakin held his own response to that lack of response in check. He'd gotten better at that, at not assuming the worst when he didn't get a quick answer.
In this moment, that reminder of the progress he'd made was comforting, and he held onto it, tight as he could.
"I...won't deny that your entire adult life has been spent at war," Obi-Wan finally said. "And while I know it isn't my fault-any of our fault-I regret that you never saw anything else. Even I had some measure of peace before being thrown into the thick of things." He paused. "Well, as much peace as wrangling you in your teens could allow."
"Yeah, I haven't thanked you enough for putting up with me," Anakin said. "...for still putting up with me."
I can trust the people holding my leash.
"You're welcome," Obi-Wan said, wryly. "But-to my point. It's not the only thing you're good at. Look at the way you've raised Leia."
"I couldn't have done it without you," Anakin said. "And Beru and Owen and Rex and Ahsoka and...everyone."
"And you think Padme doesn't, at the very least, rely on her handmaidens to help her with Luke?" Obi-Wan pointed out. "In fact, I challenge you to find any parent who truly raises a child completely on their own, without any help. Without relatives or neighbors or friends or even hired babysitters…"
Anakin almost wanted to mention his mom, but-well, Obi-Wan was right. They had...there had been a community, looking out for each other as much as they could.
"That's...yeah, okay, that's true."
"And it's more than that," Obi-Wan said. "You knew what to say to Rex, how to forgive him, and convince him to stay, when you ran into him unexpectedly. You chose to bring him back into your life. I'm not sure I would have. Not so easily as that. I like to think I would, but..."
"...you always know the right thing to say," Anakin said, surprised. And you didn't hesitate before giving me a second chance, and even if I didn't actually do anything, I had a lot more control over what I almost did than Rex did, so...
Obi-Wan laughed. "No, I'm just better at faking it than you are." His face turned serious again. "But I mean it. You are an extremely capable soldier, and leader of soldiers. But you are more than that. A good father, a good man, and a very good friend."
Anakin let that hang in the air between them for a moment, trying to decide if he believed it or not.
At length, Obi-Wan sighed. "Anakin, I can't promise transitioning will be easy for you. Or Rex, or Ahsoka, or any of us. But we'll get through it together. Like we always do."
"I don't...I don't think I can do it on my own," he finally admitted. I can trust the people holding my leash. "I told him...I told him what makes us different, me and him, is that...the people around me keep me from going too far."
He regretted it as soon as he'd said it. He'd never- never -admitted it before, just how close the Chancellor had come to…
Just how close he had come to...to letting someone else hold his leash.
Obi-Wan, again, took a moment to think before responding, and it was all Anakin could do not to backtrack, to tell him to forget it, to try to ignore it, but…
It was out there now. And they'd promised each other thirteen years ago-no more secrets.
"No one can do everything on their own, Anakin," Obi-Wan said, slowly, at long last. "Especially not something like...we all rely on each other, when things get difficult. I know you've had...difficulties, in the past. But over the past thirteen years, you've grown and changed so much. We all have. But you-you're not a volatile, desperate teenager anymore. You're still more reckless than I would like, and sometimes a little brash and arrogant, but-more importantly, you've grown into a confident and capable young man, a father, with a much more secure sense of yourself and your purpose than before."
Which reminded him of that brief half-conversation they'd had on the Tantive -not so different from this conversation, in some ways, except all that pain and exhaustion and cold had been exponentially worse.
But the meaning had been the same.
We all rely on each other.
We need you, Anakin. I need you.
You're my brother. I love you.
And that meant a lot. More than Anakin had ever been able to put into words. That, even if he needed Obi-Wan, Obi-Wan needed him, too. That Obi-Wan needed him. To be there, to be all right.
It was one of the anchors he'd had, through all these years. For Obi-Wan and Leia, and Padme and Luke, and Rex and Ahsoka and everyone else, he had to get through this and be okay. Be better.
"...thank you," he finally said. Normally, he would look at his old Master at this point in the conversation, meet his eyes, and at least try to smile; but right now, he didn't trust his own internal stability or the swirl of hyperspace, and he gave Obi-Wan enough to worry about without crying. Or fainting. Or something. "I'll...think about that. It's a place for me to start."
He knew, from experience, that one conversation wouldn't settle all of this. He'd need to meditate later, sort through the rest of it, but...
He could sense Obi-Wan nodding-maybe not literally, it didn't quite work like that, but they knew each other so well. "I'm here if you need help. Although," he added, lightening his tone in a way they both needed, after skirting so close to so much darkness, "I think right now you just need to rest. There will be time enough to sort all this through while you're recovering."
Anakin huffed a little laugh, ignoring the faint flare of pain when it pulled at the stitches again. "Yeah, maybe. Of course, knowing us, soon as we get back to base, there'll be a new crisis, just waiting for us to arrive…"
"And if there is, Ahsoka and Bail can handle it," Obi-Wan said, firmly. "And Rex will help, of course. And Moonshot, and all the other very capable rebels who have moved in. Right now, your only responsibility is to heal."
"If you say so," he said, but he couldn't help but smile-at how familiar this was, and yet how different, with Crait at their backs.
How far they'd come, in so many ways.
Obi-Wan had a point. Maybe I'm still an attack dog, but...it is different now. I'm different. Better. Or I try to be, anyway.
It would...hold him. For now.
And then the last of the tension from the conversation faded, and the full weight of the bloodloss and deep-space cold and all the ups and downs of the past few days hit him like a kriffing tank.
"...wake me up when we get close, okay?"
"Of course," Obi-Wan said, and Anakin could hear him smiling, too, as he faded away into sleep.
Original Author's Notes: My plan was to update this by the end of September. ...by my timezone, I'm about a half-hour late, but hey, it's still September somewhere!
I'm still not 100% satisfied with everything here, but I think I was at a point where I had to just bite the bullet and post it or I never would. There are a lot of callbacks in this chapter to Part One, and hopefully I worked them in smoothly! I certainly tried. ^_^
Anyway, as I've mentioned/hinted at before, there are three or four scenes left in this fic, which will be either one more chapter or possibly split into two, depending on how long they get. After that, we move on to the sequel fic. The next chapter will not take six months, but I make no promises other than that :P
Thank you guys so much for your patience, and I'm so sorry for the long delay. ~3 shadowsong