Chapter Forty Four

Chapter 44: Vulnerable

Author's Commentary:

Trigger alert: There is a brief scene involving drugs in the early part of the chapter. Please skip over that segment if you feel uncomfortable.

JANUS

A hand shook his shoulder gently. Janus rolled over on the stone bed covered with a thin mattress, refusing to open his eyes.

"Not yet, Ma," He slurred.

"It's time to get up for roll call, Janus." His mother's voice was like honey, patient and smooth. "You know what the guard will do if we're not up on time."

"Punishment."

"Or worse, solitary," His mother shook him again. "You don't want to get thrown into the scary dark by yourself, do you?"

Groaning, Janus forced his droopy eyelids open. "No, Ma."

"Good. Then get ready. It's almost time for roll call."

He lethargically sat up and looked at his mother. She gave him a tired smile and ruffled his hair. "Good morning, sleepyhead."

"Morning, Ma." Janus rubbed his eyes and yawned. He knew better than to take these things for granted. Within months he would be thirteen and the guards would throw him in his very own cell on the men's level in the southeast wing. When that happened, he didn't know when he would get to see his mother again, if ever. And so every waking moment spent with her was precious.

"Get up. The guard is coming," His mother whispered urgently as she peered through the bars of their cell.

Scrambling to his feet, Janus positioned himself beside his mother and waited. He could hear the heavy footfalls of the guard getting nearer, checking to make sure each inmate was accounted for. When the guard got to their cell, Janus drew himself up and stiffened. He'd been thrown in solitary before for playing defiant when he was much younger, and he wasn't about to make that same mistake again.

"Jåne De Vesques." The guard mumbled lazily.

"Present." His mother replied.

"Janus De Vesques."

"Present."

The guard moved off to the next cell, calling out the name of the next inmate.

Silently, Janus watched as his mother went to the shared bed and lifted her mattress. A small sachet of tablets was fished out, and she broke one, placing her nose close to the spilled contents of the tablet.

Janus didn't like whatever it was his mother was doing. She'd explained to him that it was one of her many flaws. A bad habit, as it were. He couldn't understand why she always felt a rush from sniffing fine powder from a broken capsule. Maybe it was something that adults did. Maybe he would live long enough to find out for himself.

"Don't worry," his mother must have caught him staring, for she'd begun stashing the sachet of tablets underneath the bed again. "The guards aren't going to find it."

"It's not the guards I'm worried about, Ma." Janus admitted, folding his arms across his little chest. "It's those other inmates."

His mother knelt, a smile stretched across her face. She looked upon him, stroking his tousled hair. "Now don't you worry. Ma's always going to be here to watch over you."

Janus wanted to argue that it wasn't because he was afraid and needed his mother to watch over him, but decided against it. It was far too early for this. He needed breakfast.

In the large mess hall, rows upon rows of tables and benches were laid out from wall to wall. The hall itself was jam packed with inmates in grey, sitting together at the tables and eating whatever slop had been dished out for breakfast. There were long lines of inmates queuing with their trays, waiting to collect what passed for food in this prison. Guards lined the walls, batons and shields in hand, while heavily armed guards were positioned on the upper levels overlooking the mess hall.

Glancing around, Janus found it amusing that he never lost that sense of dread and disgust at being stuck in an enclosed area with so many sweaty, sticky bodies. Men and women who smelled nasty, and looked nasty too. He didn't know anything about his father, as his mother had refused to talk about him, but all he knew was that he and his mother were stuck here in prison for life because of him. Janus cursed his father again, knowing he would likely never get to see the outside world beyond the island of Moordeloch, never get to experience how a regular person would live their life.

Mother and son sat at one end of a table, eating their breakfast quietly. They had always kept a low profile as far as possible. His mother had taught him to keep his head down and to never resort to violence. She'd always stressed how important it was for him to remain pure and innocent, even in a place like this. As they ate their cold, slimy baked beans and stale bread, Janus heard the heavy footfalls of a group approaching from behind, in spite of the din.

"Ma. Someone's coming," He whispered urgently.

His mother turned hurriedly but it was too late. The group of inmates surrounded them both, and the others who'd been sitting at the same table began to move away.

Desperately, Janus glanced at the sides of the walls, hoping that the guards had noticed. They hadn't, for the guards were too busy chatting with one another, while others turned a blind eye. In dismay, Janus stared up at the individuals surrounding them. He recognised them as the men and women his mother always went to when she needed a new supply of her tablets.

"Henri," His mother said with a nervous chuckle. "What can I do for you?"

"You can start by giving me what you promised." A tall man growled, towering over Janus' mother. "You're a week late again."

"What? Really?" His mother feigned astonishment. "I'm so sorry Henri, I don't have it with me at the moment. But give me a couple more days and I can get-"

"No more waiting. I want what you owe me!" Henri's voice rose to a snarl and a knife slipped into his hand. "Now."

"Get away from-" Someone clapped a hand over Janus' mouth and dragged him away from his mother and the rest of Henri's goons. He struggled indignantly, kicking and flailing, but was unable to break the iron grip of the man behind him. Wide eyed and heart racing, he watched as his mother begged for mercy.

"I just need more time. I've always come through for you, haven't I?" She pleaded, trying to stay Henri's hand.

"No more excuses. I grow tired of this," Henri jerked his hand away from her grip and plunged the knife straight into her heart.

"MA!" Janus screamed as he wrenched himself free from the inmate's grasp. His world seemed to disintegrate before him and he scrambled over to his mother's side as Henri and his goons were tackled to the ground by the guards who'd finally mobilised.

"No, no, no," Janus repeated over and over like a mantra as he shook his mother, only to come away with crimson on his hands. He knelt in a growing pool of his own mother's blood, staring down at the empty eyes of the only person he'd ever loved. "Please wake up. Please. Don't leave me!" He sobbed.

A guard grabbed him from behind and began dragging him away as more guards surrounded his mother's corpse to drag her away. Janus struggled with all his might but felt himself growing weaker, his head spinning and his heartbeat pounding in his ears. Tears rolled down his cheeks and his vision went blurry.

"MA!" He screamed at the top of his lungs.

Janus jerked awake, sitting up abruptly. Cold sweat trickled down his face and his heart continued to race. Breathing hard and fast, it took a split second for his eyes to readjust to his dim surroundings. Glancing round, he saw a spacious bedroom - the same one that he'd been graciously given by Duke Voda. His training subconsciously kicked in and his breathing began to slow, returning to normal.

Shutting his eyes, he massaged the bridge of his sweaty nose. He hadn't had that nightmare of his mother's death in so many years, ever since…he couldn't even remember when. Why the hell is it resurfacing now after all this time?

He felt Elsa stir beside him and watched as she sat up groggily, the weak moonlight filtering in through the window and illuminating her unblemished, bare skin as the sheets began to fall away from her body. Her luscious hair fell around her face and shoulders as she turned to him with sleepy eyes.

"What's wrong?" She mumbled.

Janus looked at her. The light played off her neck and shoulders, painting her slender frame in a way that stilled his troubled heart, and her sweet, silky voice immediately calmed the storm in his mind.

"Nothing. Go back to sleep." He put a hand on her shoulder and attempted to gently push her back down into a comfortable position.

She resisted, taking his wrist. "Are we in danger?"

"No. We're still safe." For now.

"Then what is it?" She probed. By now, she was more alert, and stared at him worriedly with those beautiful blue eyes of hers. It melted his heart.

"I don't know," Janus admitted, pressing a palm to his face. "I…I had a nightmare."

Elsa shifted, letting the rest of the thick sheets fall away from her bare chest as she propped herself up on her elbows, turning her body towards his. "Want to tell me about it?"

"You should be sleeping."

She cocked her head slightly, looking at him curiously in a way that told him that she wasn't going to go back to sleep until he told her what was on his mind. She was stubborn, but he loved her for it.

Janus sighed and sat up against the bed's backrest. "I dreamt about the day my mother died in prison. The day I stopped being a child and my innocence die."

Elsa was silent, as though prompting him to go on.

"It was so vivid. So real. I genuinely felt like a boy again, without a care in the world, knowing that my mother would be there to protect me." Janus dropped his eyes. "And I watched the bastards kill her in front of me."

"Janus," Elsa put a gentle hand on his cheek. "I'm sorry."

"I hadn't dreamt of that day for years. I can't even remember when was the last time I had this nightmare." Janus grimaced. "I don't know why it's coming back to me now."

She shifted closer to him, wrapping her hands around his side and rested her head against his shoulder. "Could it be because you're afraid?"

"Afraid? Of what?"

"Being vulnerable," Elsa said. "You told me yourself. You said you felt powerless for the first time in a long while, being just a mere man trying to survive against sorcery and demon assassins behind enemy lines. You're afraid that you don't have what it takes to fight alongside me and Tracy against the Mage Slayers and the Blitzguard."

Did I say that? Janus' eyes darted to the empty bottle standing on the bedside table. Those words seemed vaguely familiar, mingled together with a hazy memory of indulging themselves in shared passion. Yes, he remembered now.

"I don't know," He groaned. "I just don't know."

"When was the last time you really felt vulnerable?" Elsa leaned in close. Her breath still carried a hint of the alcohol from last night.

"That damn morning she died," Janus said quietly. "The day I felt powerless to save my mother from those bastards. I promised myself that same afternoon that I would never again let myself feel powerless and vulnerable. You know the rest of the story."

Elsa nodded. "I understand. If it's any consolation, I'm scared too. We face enemies far stronger than us and I don't know if we have what it takes to win this time," She fondly tilted his chin so that he looked into her eyes. "But we will face them together. Afraid, but together."

Feeling a spark jump through him, Janus grabbed her waist and pulled her into a passionate kiss. She leaned into the steamy kiss, pulling him back to bed as he caressed her shoulders and pressed his body against hers. If there was anyone who could make his fears and doubts go away for a second, it was her.

Elsa pulled away to catch her breath for a second. She giggled. "At least we don't have to share the room with Tracy this time."

Chuckling, he pressed his lips against hers, his hands gripping her tightly as she wrapped her arms behind his neck, the two of them snuggling under the comfortable sheets again.

###

Janus didn't know how long he slept again - if at all. The images from his nightmare kept him awake even after Elsa had drifted back to sleep. He had drifted in and out of semi consciousness, pondering Elsa's words. She was right. He was afraid. Afraid that he couldn't protect the ones he cared about. As a boy, he'd failed to protect his mother and he'd sworn never to be in a position where he would feel powerless again, and that vow moulded him into Bruvesqk's most feared mercenary. And now, he found himself feeling vulnerable again, unable to find the confidence that he could protect the woman he loved and his friend.

Turning over on his side, Janus opened his eyes. It was apparent that he wasn't going to get any more sleep right now. This time, he was careful to sit up without rousing his lover. He glanced outside. It was still early in the morning, the sky slowly beginning to grow light. Sliding off the bed, he dressed in the clothes that House Voda had given him and the others. The garments they'd purchased in the night market would make them stand out here like a sore thumb. They couldn't pass off as poor citizens, not in this part of the city. And so, the trio had been given clothes that would mark them as citizens of House Voda.

By Exonian law, servants, laundresses, nannies, cooks and private security contractors were considered as members of an upper class citizen's household. And so, the three of them had taken on new covers in order to blend in with House Voda. Tracy was now a laundress, Elsa a cook, and Janus a member of Duke Voda's private security detail.

So now, he wore dark grey tactical trousers, boots, and a long sleeved black shirt, not entirely unlike his own mercenary gear, but it would make it a lot harder for the Exonians to find him. He'd been trained to blend in as a ghost, a cipher, a civilian. Arming himself with a flintlock pistol and a powder horn filled with blackpowder, Janus sheathed a couple of daggers on his belt and covered them with the excess of his shirt's fabric. Feeling a little more prepared, he quietly closed the bedroom door behind him.

The corridor was dark, and there were no servants scurrying about just yet. The household was still asleep. Janus decided that this gave him time to explore the compound on his own, to find out who Ludwig Jal Voda really was and if he was telling them the truth about his aversion to the new emperor. He'd found himself wary and suspicious of Ludwig when the duke had revealed to them that he and some others were devising a way to take down the new emperor and to do away with the whole colonial conquest that the Empress had set in motion. The duke hadn't given them very much else to go on, instead requesting that they remain in the compound while he attended to business. So far, Ludwig hadn't sold them out. Yet.

Quietly, he padded down the corridor, passing the room Tracy was in - he could hear her distinct snoring even behind the closed door. The corridor itself stretched out for at least twenty yards, and that wasn't even considering that there were a few wings in the compound. The house felt like a small castle all by itself. Janus could count the number of times on one hand that he'd been in a house this big and well furnished.

His eyes darted from side to side, surveying every inch of the compound in an attempt to find an escape route. It was only a matter of time before the Mage Slayers and the Imperial Blitzguard caught up to them again, and Janus wanted to be prepared for the two girls and himself to beat a hasty retreat.

Descending the stairs noiselessly, he slipped into the main hall. It was empty of life, with Ludwig's collection of trophies and ancient artifacts lining the walls in glass cabinets. Various masks stared at Janus as he passed them by. A tiny chill ran down his spine though he quickly shook it off. Much like the ones on display, Janus had his own mask, one which existed to intimidate his enemies, though he couldn't exactly wear it here in the capital.

Standing in front of one of the cabinets, he studied the display. Ancient armour belonging to an Ibersian tribal warrior towered over him. The mask - or helmet - that came with the armour was fully made of steel, painted over with the aggressive colours of one of the many tribes. It was said that these warriors always led the charge during the battles of the Ibersian Revolution when all the tribes stood together as one, and eventually the Ibersians achieved independence, growing into a powerful nation in their own right. Janus wondered if the Ibersian tribal warriors had ever felt powerless against their more stronger enemies who'd kept them oppressed for generations. How did they feel going up against impossible odds, trapped in a land where they'd essentially been slaves their whole lives? Janus wished that he could find that sort of strength and confidence in a time like this.

The door at the opposite end of the hall opened, and Janus whirled, a hand reaching for his belt where a dagger was sheathed. He relaxed slightly at the sight of Duke Voda entering the house with a lantern in hand.

"Admiring the Ibersian armour I see." Ludwig gestured at the display as he closed the door behind him and crossed the floor. "That was hard to acquire, I can tell you that."

"Often go out early?" Janus asked warily. He still couldn't rule out the possibility that the duke had snitched on them in hopes of currying favour with the emperor.

"Not always," Ludwig removed his maroon gloves as he came to a stop before Janus. "I am someone who prefers the comfort of his own bed."

"Then why the exception today?"

"Ah," Ludwig paused. "The emperor called an emergency conference early this morning."

"What for?" In the dim light from the duke's lantern, Janus could see Ludwig's features tighten. Not a good sign.

"I think it's best you fetch your wife and friend."

"We're not married." Not yet anyway.

"My apologies," Ludwig said. "But you better fetch them both. I have a feeling they would want to hear what I have to say."