Un-Fair Haven Saga
3. Total Eclipse of the Heart
By: AW
Pairing J/C
Rated: M
Summary: The challenge was 'if a holographic bullet can kill you; can holographic sperm make you pregnant?'
Length: 2944 words
Date: January 2000
Turn around
Every now and then I get a little bit lonely and you're never coming 'round
Turn around
Every now and then I get a little bit tired of listening to the sound of my tears
Turn around
Every now and then I get a little bit nervous that the best of all the years have gone by
Turn around
Every now and then I get a little bit terrified and then I see the look in your eyes
Turn around bright eyes
Every now and then I fall apart
Turn around bright eyes
Every now and then I fall apart
Chakotay sat in his quarters; He didn't really know what to think. He could hardly believe that Kathryn, his Kathryn was pregnant. When he thought about it though, it wasn't the fact that she was pregnant that bothered him most, it was the fact that she had chosen someone over him to father that child. No, it wasn't even that, he knew what the real reason was...she had let a hologram invade her life, invade her future, and somehow for some reason she had given up on him and fallen in love with a trick of light.
He wondered how it had happened...well he knew how it had happened, but he wondered whether she had deliberately left the safeties off or if something had gone wrong.
Either way, she was pregnant. He wasn't sure if a baby conceived with a hologram would survive to term, let alone the birth, but he knew this would force her into a decision that perhaps she wasn't ready to make. A decision that she shouldn't have to make, but that she would have to face none-the the less.
Sometimes she made him so angry, but he knew that he would in then end, support her no matter what she decided. And no matter what she decided she would need not only his support, but also the support of the entire crew.
Everyone on board. That was almost laughable, Kathryn Janeway did not accept help from anyone, let alone her subordinates. Kathryn Janeway was invincible. Kathryn Janeway, Kathryn Janeway...his life and the bane of his existence. One day she would need the support of those around her and it would not be there...of that he was sure.
His last thoughts though, were always of Kathryn, not the Captain, but of Kathryn. Even anger could not curtail the love he felt for this woman, and anger was an emotion he felt so forcefully throughout his system every hour of every day. That day all those years ago when he had described to her an 'Angry Warrior', it was an adequate description, and the day she had told of Michael Sullivan, his anger had flared. And on the day she had informed him of her pregnancy, the impending birth of a child, a moment which was supposed to be a joyous occasion for all, he had once again become that warrior, and lost the 'true meaning of peace' he had fought so hard for.
Having realized that, he wondered why. Maybe I am just jealous, he thought. Jealous of a hologram? The thought was almost laughable, and yet, this hologram, had everything that he had dreamed of having. Kathryn in his arms, and her child. A child that should have been his own, created out of love, instead of a need for sexual release.
At least that's what he hoped it was: A need for sexual release. He hoped she didn't actually have feelings for the hologram. Michael. Just thinking of the name his anger flare. How could she! Even Seska had not inflamed him like this. He needed to calm down, sort his emotions out. Reaching for his medicine bundle he started the ritual that he hoped would bring him some answers.
Turn around
Every now and then I get a little bit restless and I dream of something wild
Turn around
Every now and then I get a little bit helpless and I'm lying like a child in out arms
Turn around
Every now and then I get a little bit angry and I know I've got to get out of town
Turn around
Every now and then I get a little bit terrified but then I see the look in your eyes
As the clearing grew in front of him, he looked around. Many a time he had ventured into the spiritual realm and ended up in the forest where he had spent many a day as a child looking for answers to life's problems. As he looked further he realized that this was not his forest...well not in the way he had known it as a small child.
He walked further and saw his father. "Chakotay why does this place harbor such anger in you?"
His father looked further into him. "This is the place you think of as yours...as sacred. Why such hatred?"
His father grinned. "This woman Chakotay, is she that special to you that she causes you such pain and you would sit by and watch not doing anything to help her?"
A bird overhead screeched...flying down to pluck at a lizard crawling along the forest floor. The noises in his mind. "She is hurting to son, go to her. She needs you. She has made a mistake..."
"I can't go to her father she betrayed me." He searched for his father but he had disappeared to be replacedy Michael Sullivan.
"You need to help her, I can't...she deleted me...make sure she doesn't delete you..."
Chakotay tried to interpret the messages. "I can't..." His anguish soon turned to an almost physical pain. He was thrown back into the world of the living afraid and alone, but he couldn't, he wouldn't...not again. He vowed on that day to give up on Kathryn Janeway, he just couldn't do it anymore.
Turn around bright eyes
Every now and then I fall apart
Turn around bright eyes
Every now and then I fall apart
And I need you now tonight
And I need you now more than ever
And if you only hold me tight
We'll be holding on forever
And we'll only be making it right
'Cause we'll never be wrong together we can take it to the end of the line
'Cause love is like a shadow on me all of the time
Kathryn lay on her bed, tears quietly running down her face. She had never been so afraid of Chakotay, and although the fact he had attacked her frightened her, what he had said afterwards was what scared her the most. Had she really betrayed his trust and his friendship? She ran her hands over her belly. Was a child, one created out of a moment of passion worth the sacrifice of Chakotay? She thought she had been in love with Michael, but when she found out she was pregnant, she knew she had made a mistake. Unfortunately it was a mistake that might have cost her her best friend, and the man she loved.
I don't know what to do
I'm always in the dark
We're living in a powder keg
And giving off sparks
I really need you tonight
Forever's gonna start tonight
Forever's gonna start tonight
But the mistake had been made; there was no going back. She had to decide now, what she was going to do to fix it. She could terminate the pregnancy, but as she ran her hands over belly she wasn't sure she could do that. Or she could keep the child, if it survived. She had no idea whether it would or not. Could a child conceived via holographic sperm live? Unable to make the decision to terminate the child just yet, and without knowing its chance of survival, she decided it was time to see the doctor again.
Kathryn ran to sickbay. The crewmembers who saw her passing in such haste looked at her with a strange understanding in their eyes. They knew, or she felt as if they knew. But how could they? She herself had just found out days ago, and despite her ill feelings towards Chakotay at the moment, she couldn't believe that even he in his rage would be so inconsiderate to her state. She slowed to a jog and finally a run as she approached sickbay. Time seemed to stand still. Life seemed to go by at a crawl.
"Computer activate the EMH."
The doctor came into the light. He saw the Captain. He knew he needn't conduct his spiel as he did for all other patients. He knew why she was here. She probably figured she had made a mistake in the conception of this child; she wanted to terminate. Or wait...maybe she was here to have the doctor give her her options...maybe tell her it was okay to get rid of it. Or wait maybe she was here to have the files closed...maybe she had done something herself to remedy her problem.
Although he loved Kathryn Janeway as a friend, and he saw how much she was hurting, he had taken an oath, to do no harm. Even if she asked him to, he wasn't sure if he could terminate this baby. He thought harder for a moment, his subroutines and processors going at warp speed. *Maybe I'm not giving her enough credit. Maybe I should let her speak before jumping the gun on this thing.*
Kathryn saw the look in the holograms eyes. *He knows.*
Once upon a time I was falling in love
Now I'm only falling apart
There's nothing I can do
A total eclipse of the heart
"Doctor, before you say anything..."
"This is about the child you carry Captain? I assume this is the case...I mean I don't think I've ever seen you come to sickbay voluntarily before, unless you were dying...or..."
"Doctor, I need you to know something about this child. I need to know some things myself. Please...scan this child, tell me what you see."
The doctor took out his tricorder and scanned her abdomen not sure what he was going to see...or for that matter what he was looking for. "Male child, 14 weeks gestational growth...paternity..." Without thinking the doctor almost named the commander as the child's father by default. He had seem then interact and didn't think the Captain could let anyone else near her like that, but to his chagrin he could not scan the child's genetic make-up. He could not figure out the paternity...he scanned for an alien genome...and realized. His eyes widened in shock. "My god, this baby..."
"Yes doctor...I know. I made a mistake, I guess your advice wasn't the best you've ever given?" She gave her patented lopsided half grin.
"What do you wish to do Captain? You have several options at your disposal especially considering the circumstances..."
She swallowed bringing the bile, which was surfacing, under control. "I've been thinking a lot about this Doctor since I found out I was expecting. I made a decision a long time ago that I could never kill a child who lay nestled within my womb, and this is no different. I can't kill this baby just because he is a victim of circumstances and my stupidity. I'm sorry if this disappoints you doctor."
If the doctor could sigh a breath of relief, he did at that moment. Kathryn eyed him, she knew in some ways he was almost as human as she was. For god's sake, she was pregnant with a holographic baby...how had she gotten herself into his situation? She looked at the doctor; she needed to ask him a question. "Doctor, my one question is...what are the chances that this baby will survive to term?"
The doctor looked at her, "I have never dealt with a half-holographic baby before, I can't say I'd know what would happen. You might carry this baby to term, or not. I suspect it is the same as any first time mating between two very different species."
She shook her head unsure of what to say to him. She had thought this through and had decided long ago that she could never kill a child she carried no matter what. Now that she had said it out loud, it didn't seem so bad. At 14 weeks she was starting to show the first signs of the pregnancy, she noticed the sensitivity of her breasts, the fact that they were beginning to fill with milk which would nourish this child eventually. This morning she had felt her abdomen, it was much more taunt, 'harder' so to speak. She was fascinated...and she knew that as soon as the effects of the pregnancy were starting to be felt, she had to tell the crew, and as soon as it felt real, as it was beginning to, she could not terminate it...no matter what. She finally took in the doctor's worried glance and decided it was time to go. "Doctor, I have to go. I just wanted to thank you very much. Please keep my...situation to yourself until I have time to deal with this myself, and to tell the crew on my own terms."
Once upon a time there was light in my life
Now there's only love in the dark
There's nothing I can say
A total eclipse of the heart
Kathryn left sickbay sure that she had to tell the crew that day, but that had been almost two weeks ago, and now at 16 weeks pregnant, she was beginning to show signs that would soon become apparent to anyone who dared to look, searching for evidence. She knew they would begin to suspect, three days ago she had rushed off the bridge when overcome by nausea...the thing that hurt the most though was, Chakotay had not followed her, he had not even asked her what was wrong, he had merely watched. He had shaken his head and turned his back. Their friendship had suffered.
So she decided today, she would need to speak to Chakotay, she needed his support in the months to come, if not as the friend she had once known at least as her first officer.
She walked to the bridge, and made her way to her ready room...this was the day of reckoning. Her life went in slow motion as she tapped her combadge and she didn't even hear herself utter the words which would summon her first officer to her ready room.
He entered her ready room, and she knew this was the moment of truth, that the sparks would fly, and that this conversation would change her life forever.
Turn around bright eyes
Turn around bright eyes
Turn around
Every now and then I know you'll never be the boy you always wanted to be
Turn around
And every now and then I know you'll always be the boy who wanted me the way that I am
And then she knew, he always wanted nothing more than her, there was nothing wrong with her...as she was to him she was perfect. And that was the magic in their friendship, and that would have been the magic in their relationship.
Turn around
Every now and then I know there's no one in the universe as magical and wondrous as you
Turn around
Every now and then I know there's nothing that is better, there's nothing that I just wouldn't do.
He walked in and she said words that she didn't think even she had the nerve to say, that she would have ever been able to say to him. "Chakotay I love you..."
He just looked at her. He opened his mouth as if to say the words she hoped would describe reciprocated feelings. Then without a word he turned back around and left her ready room.
Turn around bright eyes
Every now and then I fall apart
Turn around bright eyes
Every now and then I fall apart
And I need you now tonight
And I need you now more than ever
And if you only hold me tight
We'll be holding on forever
And we'll only be making it right
'Cause we'll never be never be wrong together we can take it to the end of the line
'Cause love is like a shadow on me all of the time
I don't know what to do
I'm always in the dark
We're living in a powder keg
And giving off sparks
I really need you tonight
Forever's gonna start tonight
Forever's gonna start tonight
Once upon a time I was falling in love
Now I'm only falling apart
There's nothing I can do
A total eclipse of the heart
Once upon a time there was light in my life
Now there's only love in the dark
There's nothing I can say
A total eclipse of the heart
A total eclipse of the heart
A total eclipse of the heart
Turn around bright eyes
Turn around bright eyes
Turn around...
*~*~*~*~*
The song was 'Total Eclipse of the Heart' by Bonnie Tyler
I also want to say thanks to Becca for getting me started and helping me to write this one...so half the credit goes to her.
Thanks Becca.
END PART III
TBC IN PART IV