Un-Fair Haven Saga
4. Sick of Fighting

By: AW

Pairing J/C
Rated: M
Summary: The challenge was 'if a holographic bullet can kill you; can holographic sperm make you pregnant?'
Length: 1208 words
Date: January 2000

That night after Chakotay had left, Kathryn fell into a deep sleep of existential horror. Her dreams were plagued by images of all that was dark and wrong in the world today. She dreamed of so many things. She kept seeing the dead and the dying. The lives of all the people who she had inadvertently ruined over the years. She saw the world of the dead, and at the same time, in that she saw the world of the living.

That day she realized, the past, and the present they all lead to the future and they lead there for a reason. Kathryn had lost herself in what she could only refer to as a void of nothingness, the life she had once known stopped by the love of a man, but he wasn't a man, he was a thing, an image of nothingness. Kathryn had sold herself to the devil, and she wasn't sure what she could do to regain her soul. Kathryn needed to get her life back, and the way she saw it the only way to do so was to come back to the world of the living. Back to the world of days gone by. To regain Chakotay, the love of her life.

When she awoke early the next morning she got ready for work, she walked to the bridge. At four months now, she was beginning to show and she finally decided it was time to tell the crew. She had to have this baby, it was all she was going to have, a baby. Perhaps the child would grow up and correct all the problems in the world that she had not herself been able to avoid. Perhaps this child would represent a new peace, a new life form.

Or perhaps, this baby would just be an end to her loneliness...

*~*~*~*~*

Chakotay saw the Captain stride onto the bridge, the picture of authority. He had to talk to her, one way or another eventually she would have to inform the crew of her predicament, and if he was correct she was going on four months pregnant now. From what he had told her, she wanted to have this baby. No where in their conversations had she mentioned terminating the baby...no where had she mentioned embarrassment at the mistake she had made. Therefore, he assumed that she intended on keeping this child. A child which would change the nature of their relationship forever. A child who would...could he ever really hate an innocent? No matter how much it's creation had hurt him?

He watched as she proceeded to her ready room. He heard the eerie sound of her voice gliding across the bridge with an authority he respected and a sadness he refused to know...he refused to acknowledge, as did she. It was her way. Despite the fact that she had wounded his pride, he still cared for her deeply, possibly loved her, and he could not stand to see this woman...the woman who had saved them all...their savior...suffer.

He rang the chime and got no answer. He wanted to speak to her needed to speak to her...three chimes later, still no answer. He overrode the security lockout and walked in. He didn't see her anywhere...then he heard muffled cries, he heard a sobbing. From where he couldn't tell.

"Kathryn?"

She didn't answer him, and he looked around, bound he was going to find her. He needed to find her. He walked around and found her scrunched up under her desk, crying, bawling for her life. "Kathryn?" She refused to look at him, refused to answer him. He pulled her out from under the desk. He noted her tear-stained face, her rumpled uniform and the just barely discernable bulge of pregnancy beneath the thin material of her clothing.

"Kathryn, what's wrong?" He still got no answer. He picked up her slight form and carried her to the couch. He sat down with the larger-than-life Captain on his lap. "Kathryn..."

She finally raised her clear blue eyes, bluer than the sky in summer above the desert floor in Arizona, and uttered a phrase, which would haunt him for the rest of his life. "I'm so sick of fighting Chakotay...so tired."

He pressed his lips against her head, kissing her hair. No, he knew it now, he loved her. There was no question in his mind any longer. "Shhhhh, it will be okay Kathryn. You'll get through this."

Kathryn heard the words. No where did she hear the we, she heard him say you. She had lost him. He would never be her one and only, he would only be her friend, and she wasn't even so sure about that anymore. "No Chakotay, I don't think anything will ever be okay again."

Her hands fell to her abdomen, seeking out the proof of her unrighteous act. Seeking out the answers to her questions. She got only more questions. "Oh god, what am I going to do?"

Chakotay reached down and followed the path her hands had taken. He felt the bulge, this was real: she was going to be a mother. He felt her getting off his lap and falling to her knees, he felt as if she were giving up on life. He would not let her do this to herself. He grabbed her arms and forced her to her knees in front of him. "Kathryn, listen to me. You will face this with dignity and grace as you face everything."

She opened her mouth to protest. "Listen to me Kathryn, you already made the decision. You decided this baby was going to be, and it will be. I will help you, I will do all I can..."

"No you won't Chakotay. Don't you get it? I love you, I have always loved you and I gave what belonged to you, what I should have given to you, to an empty man. And now..."

She couldn't finish the sentence. She broke down again. He picked her up again and placed her on the couch. "Kathryn, you have to deal with this. I will help you all I can, but now...I can't trust that this is how you feel. You're dealing with a lot right now..."

The sobs got louder. She had finally trusted him with her feelings and he thought she was, she didn't even know what he thought. "Chakotay, please leave..."

He heard the words in between the sobs and cries. "Kathryn, when you need me I will be here for you, I always will be. I want you to remember that."

He left the ready room, and heard the sobs permeating the air. As the door opened, her muffled sighs filled the bridge, and everyone knew, it would never be the same...the Captain had finally lost. And everyone knew, they would feel it for a long time to come.

*~*~*~*~*
END PART IV
TBC IN PART V