Anyone Know a Joke?

Ariadne gave her millionth and first sigh. Trying her best to pretend she was deaf. She could not bear to ride anywhere closer to the pair of blatherers than the minimum of a hundred strides. And still their voices grated on her.

Uncharacteristic to her, she spat. But, unrehearsed as she was, the result was a bunch of the spit just spilling on her chin and then down the front of her clothes. Hissing, she wiped it off.

She puffed out her cheeks and sulked down the road. Yeah, she was in a bad mood. She was willing to admit that she hadn't had the best start with this Erik guy. And now she felt completely sidelined. Why did that even bother her?

She gave a petulant glace over her shoulder, but of course they didn't even notice. She narrowed her eyes at them. There was definitely something going on there. The way they kept looking at each other: Ariela with that fawning, overwhelmed adoration. And Erik with . . . well, with that way a man looked at a woman he wanted to boink. Yeah, she knew that one well. That's how men always looked at her.

She felt a jab of something she could not immediately recognize. There was a bit of that "what does she even see in him, he's so old!" but that wasn't it. Despite herself, looking at the man, Ariadne could easily see what there was to see about him. He was undeniably strong. Confident. Intelligent, in his own way, although probably no match for the scholar. But most of all, he had that . . . something. Something that said, "yeah, get down with me and I won't let you down. I know my way around girls, their places, and just the right way to touch them. And, as you can see, I'm not exactly lacking down—"

Alright, alright! She was getting carried away.

Suddenly uncomfortable astride the muscular horse, she shifted around and tried not to think about whatever her mind was making her think about.

Girl, you need to get fucked—like seriously!

There it was, plain and simple. There was, of course, never a shortage of cocks that would have just loved to slither between her legs, but one actually worth having there—that was the trouble. Calisto . . . she had actually thought he was just perfect. She had thought of it, many many times. Rubbed her fingers to the bone imagining his—

Gods, you've gotta stop this!

Oh, she felt really uncomfortable now.

She glared over her shoulder again. There they were, happily ignoring her.

Even she will be getting some action before me!

It was so unfair!

Erik was not sure just what he thought that he was doing. Yes, it was nice talking to the young scholar again. He had to admit that he had missed her, even if their time together some two years ago had been only brief. But there was something very instantly likeable about her.

Uh huh. Something, you say.

Yes, yes. He could not deny it. Enjoying the young woman's company did go beyond simple intellectual stimulation. In fact, if he was perfectly honest, whenever anything remotely intellectually tinted came up in the conversation, she more or less lost him immediately. He was a man of action, after all, and not of learning. And when she realized this, the cutest little blush came upon her cheeks. Adorably, she seemed to take a lot of care not to make him feel uncomfortable about being less sophisticated than her. She really did not want to make anyone feel bad.

Gods, if only most people were as kind and caring!

Ariela most certainly fit that description. And she was smart. And—no use pretending otherwise—she was quite beautiful in her unassuming way. No, not in the in-your-face and immediate way of the other girl, the mage, but in the way that could take a while to notice, but once you did the impression was unshakable. There was a great deal of underlining, timeless, deeper-than-surface beauty to the woman. Gave Erik a special feeling, one unlike he'd felt even when bedding girls whose attractiveness had been far more obvious to anyone.

Truth was, she made him feel uncertain like no other woman had before.

Gods, listen to yourself! She's almost half your age!

Yes, there was that. The thing was, however, he also could not deny that that detail provided a certain amount of thrill as well.

Oh, you dirty, dirty old man!

Ariela stopped whatever she was about to say and frowned. "What is it?"

Uh oh. "Huh?" Now it was Erik whose cheeks felt hot. Had he been leering?

"You just got this . . . I don't know, strange look all of a sudden."

"Oh." He cleared his throat, trying his best to bring his cheeks back to their regular color with the power of his will. "It's nothing. Just a wayward thought. Please, continue what you were saying." Yeah, whatever that was.

She gave a shy, uncertain smile. Oh, that's so adorable!

"Well," Ariela said. "I found that, after the winter, finally getting to add fresh vegetables to my diet has helped the . . . uh, issue."

Erik blinked. "Ah."

Ariela felt her cheeks burning angry red, trying the employ her willpower in cooling them off . . . to little avail. At least she turned her face away to make her embarrassment less glaringly obvious. To little avail, I'm sure.

She felt like smacking herself over the head. Had she really been talking to him about her digestion issues for the last few minutes? She couldn't help it, when nervous she had the tendency to blather, and once her mouth got started. . . well, it was nearly impossible to stop until something incredibly stupid or out of place had come out of it. Like now.

All because she'd tried her best to steer the conversation clear from scholarly stuff, which Erik clearly was not interested in.

My bowel movements, on the other hand—I'm sure he's just dying to know about that!

Stupid, stupid, stupid . . .

Thing was, it was impossible not to feel awkward around Erik. Not that she did not enjoy his company. In fact, the problem was she enjoyed it a little too much! Yes, she could not deny it: the man made her knees feel weak and turned her into a chattering nervous wreck—even more than usual!

The worst part of it was, there was little hope that he would have seen anything in someone like her. Probably he'd known hundreds of girls far more attractive than such a scrawny little whelp. Sure, he indulged her and perhaps even truly did enjoy spending time with her—she had reason to believe he wasn't only pretending—but if she'd gone and blurted out how he really made her feel—she would not miscount that happening!—he would probably pity her at best, at worst be put off by her completely. He probably viewed her as no better than a booky little girl way out of her depth. And how could she argue against the truth of that.

That still did nothing to change the way she felt about him. No, he wasn't a great thinker, obviously, but it was clear that he was smart; just in a more practical, action-oriented sense. She could not deny envying that a little, in fact. Envying and . . . well, she was ashamed to admit it, but as far as men went the scholarly types tended to bore her. And they most certainly did not give her these . . . feelings that the burly man riding beside her did. The strength exuded by his firm build, the muscles bulging underneath his clothes, those handsome, masculine features . . . they all made her tingle in a special way.

Oh boy, better stop focusing on that right now!

"What is it?"

Now it wasn't only Ariela's cheeks that burned. She cleared her throat. "Hmm?" she croaked.

"You just looked so intently concentrated for a while. Something come to mind?"

Something . . . ? She cleared her throat again. "No, no. Just went blank for a second there, really." She tried a smile, despite feeling mortified. Oh, if only he could somehow read minds!

When he replied with a smile of his own, she just about felt like melting.

"I hear ya," he said. "I've done quite a bit of riding in my time and the mind tends to wander!"

Quite a bit of . . . —Stop it! "Yeah." Her laugh was a pathetic squawk. "Sure." That's the best you can come up with?

What followed was a silence at best described as awkward. Ariela decided to try to break it before it grew too long.

In retrospect, she really shouldn't have.

"So I guess you must have a girl at every town waiting for you."

What? She had no idea where that had come from. But she just barely managed to keep her own eyebrows from jumping up in surprise.

Erik's, on the other hand, did just that.

Oh gods, now look what you did!

Erik could not rein in his surprise. He had just been admonishing himself for his seeming utter inability to say anything worthwhile. And now this from her. What was she trying to say? It was almost as if she was . . . flirting with him? From virtually anyone else he would have taken such a question to signify just that, but with her he could not be sure. How should he respond? If he started flirting back when she hadn't actually meant it like that, well, that might get really awkward. On the other hand, if she in fact had meant it like that and he didn't respond in kind, the end result would most likely be just the same. So—

Stop trying to think, for gods' sake!

Erik found himself grinning. "Funny, at the moment the only girl I remember is riding beside me."

Ariela blinked.

Oh no, now you've done it!

Barely had Ariela finished admonishing herself over her stupid comment—no, in fact she wasn't finished yet—when Erik had taken her completely off guard. He was flirting with her!

Or is he?

Honestly, there was no other conceivable way she could have interpreted what he just said, but then maybe she was just so desperate to hear what she wanted that she had completely misunderstood.

There's no way! He was flirting with me.

On the other hand—

For goodness sake, stop mulling it over!

She gave a coquettish laugh—or did she, she had never given one, so she had no idea how it was done—and tried to sweep her hair aside in a hopefully playful motion. The hair only fell back to cover her eyes, so she had to follow up with a hard blow, which did nothing to help, really, until she just gave up and left it. "Yes, I know, my radiance is known to stun men's brains even over great distances."

That went a bit far, don't you think?

Erik stared at her, expressionless.

And Ariela wished she knew some spell to make the earth swallow her.

Oh, wow.

That was pretty much all he could think. Not only had Ariela not freaked out about him blatantly flirting with her—if indeed you could grace such an oafish blurt with that honorary—but she had raised it with some of her own.

Granted, she clearly wasn't very rehearsed in the art, but then at least that gave her the excuse he sadly lacked. But the way she looked at him just then, with that playful smile, that lit a shameful glow about his loins.

Shameful, why?

The response, however, eluded him. Not a single thing to say came to him. So he did what you were supposed to do. He laughed.

Brayed was more like it. You big old horny donkey!

And then he laughed.

Two things happened at that, one after another and very rapidly.

First, Ariela felt tremendous relief. Her idiotic blurt had not inexorably deemed her an insufferable dork in his eyes after all!

But right after that followed the unfortunate conclusion that his laughing meant simply that her suggestion—that she held such attraction in men's eyes that their brains stopped working—was utterly laughable to him.

You've got to admit that it was a rather unrealistically pompous suggestion. No matter that her mother had always told her how men's brains barely worked to begin with.

But she had been flirting! Her words weren't meant to be taken seriously.

Wait. So, that means his laughing is . . . a good thing?

She could almost feel how the rational, critical part of herself chose that moment to give up and storm out of the premises with its arms thrown desperately in the air.

Ah, well. Perhaps that's for the better.

She laughed back.

And then they were both laughing.

Ariadne grit her teeth. Oh, that's it!

She couldn't stand listening to the two tittering away behind her, flirting in abandon while she was getting more miserable by the passing minute.

She drew rein, hopefully with enough subtlety so as to seem casual, and Arcana slowed down to allow for the others to catch her. Then, once they were almost to her level, she concentrated all her mental faculties to melt her scowl into a soft and carefree smile. Then, judging it close enough, she turned to her travel companions.

"What are you two laughing about?" she asked.

That came out bitchy, didn't it?

"Oh," Ariela said, red-faced. They were both trying to wipe those stupid smirks off their faces. "It was nothing, really."

"Oh, come on! You're having such a good time, I'd like to be a part of it."

Yeah, definitely bitchy. You just can't help yourself, can you?

"Don't worry," Erik said. "We weren't laughing at you."

At the sudden jab of indignant fury, Ariadne found her eyebrows shooting up. That most certainly sounded like yes, in fact we were.

"I didn't think you were," she managed.

"And we weren't," Ariela hastened to add.

Sounding more guilty with every word.

"Just some silly stuff," Erik added with a shrug.

Strange, the things you notice. But the man had a really good shrug. So carefree and self-assured. Quite attractive, in fact.

Ariadne cleared her throat. "Yes, well, at times like this I supposed we have to take our joy where we can." Bet I know where you'd like to take it.

She wasn't even sure who that thought was directed at. Or who had thought it!

Damn girl, you're losing the plot.

"So," she said, with no idea of what was to follow. "I like to laugh. Anyone know a good joke?"

It got real quiet then.

Gods, this is awkward!

Erik scratched his beard, as if hoping he could scrape up some idea there of what to say to alleviate the suddenly tight mood.

Joke, she wants a joke. Tell one!

He tried, but suddenly could not bring a single one to memory.

You want a joke? Try the one about the desperate, aging guy trying to swim into the breeches of a lass half his age and thrice the intellectual competence. That'll set 'em clutching their bellies!

No, not very helpful at all.

In desperation, he tried a different route. He gave Ariadne his best charming grin. "As lovely as I'm sure your laughter is to listen to, it's really your thoughts I'd be interested in hearing."

Gods! Not only was it blatantly untrue, but it also came out all wrong. Of course, given that he hadn't even had any idea of what he was going to say, there was no way of knowing what right was.

In any case, it seemed to take the mage by surprise. Not a bad outcome.

He stole a glance at Ariela, to see if what he'd said had upset her.

Kind of seemed to have, actually.

What's this, now?

Ariela had felt her heart sinking at Erik's words. What, he was now flirting with Ariadne too!

Of course he is, he's a man. And look at her! What, you thought you were special? Get over yourself, silly bookworm! He'd not hesitate to use you for a footstool if that got him anywhere close to the affections of one such as her!

She suddenly felt so small and insignificant. Even more so than usual.

Sinking so deeply into abrupt depression, Ariela could barely hear what they were saying.

What's that, flirting? The nerve of this brute!

And yet . . .

Yeah, the man was old, but it was no use denying there was something to him. Clearly Ariela was smitten. Made Ariadne want to flirt back.

She returned his grin with a sly smirk. "Careful what you wish for. My thoughts have been known to turn a sensitive boy's ears aflame before."

"Truly? Do tell!"

Dang, I'd been hoping he wouldn't go there.

Think, think. The worst thing would have been to be left speechless now. That would mean she lost!

"I would. Just." She flicked her hair aside in just the right way. "I'm not sure that you would understand."

That did wipe off that smile of his!

Just not in the good way.

I see how it is!

He felt his expression grow grim within a heartbeat. Now, Erik could stand the idea that Ariela was smarter than him. He could stand it because it was so obviously true. But now this arrogant whelp was acting as his intellectual superior as well . . . That, he simply would not have!

"Oh, I understand perfectly well. I know girls like to act all mysterious. But I've been around long enough to have learned why they do it."

"Why is that?" Ariadne asked, visibly wary.

"Simply to conceal the fact that more often than that they have precious little to say. See, in spite of what they'd want you to believe, deep down they're not really any better than men."

Now, that is just absurd!

Ariadne gave a mocking laugh. "You're saying we're not any better than a bunch of unwashed brutes governed by what's between their legs?"

Erik waved his finger, triumphantly. "Based on most women I've known that description just about pins you lot down perfectly!"

Take that!

Managing to compose herself, Ariadne gave Erik her best pitying smile.

"Honey, I can't pretend it surprises me any to hear that those are the only kind of women you've managed to attract."

Ha, how do you like that one!

No, in fact she could hear the two perfectly well.

The good thing was, she was no longer depressed. Seeing how the budding flirtations between had turned sour from its very inception, while admittedly not the most wholesome reaction, did make Ariela happy.

Yeah, she'd been jealous. She wasn't above admitting that. Dead-goddamn-jealous! But it would seem that it had been for naught!

The not-so-good thing, on the other hand, was that now she felt the pressure to find a way to alleviate the tensions that had appeared between her travel companions. She simply could not take tension between people, she was too sensitive to it, so she had to do something.

But what?

"Stop bickering, you two!"

Straightforward approach it was.

The sudden firmness of the little scholar's voice took Ariadne by surprise. She didn't think she'd ever heard the woman raise her voice—

Yeah, never. If you don't include the time she completely lost it and started screaming to an undead god . . .

Alright, perhaps it should have been clear by now that Ariela had spirit which did not normally meet the eye.

Still, that was some domineering commanding coming from her.

"I'm not bickering," Ariadne replied, not unlike a small child.

"Who's bickering?" said Erik with a nonchalant smile, which only barely concealed his true irritation.

Ariadne couldn't suppress a triumphant smirk. She had got to him!

He shot her a poisonous glare.

Gods, what an insufferable . . . bitch! No, there was no way to pussyfoot around it. Words existed for reason, and this here wench was a prime example of the need for such a word.

It's like she got off on making people feel bad!

Still, Erik did feel a jab of guilt. He had all but completely forgotten about Ariela for a few minutes there. And now she was having to go through the work of settling their differences.

He made a pledge, there and then, to be the bigger person. To act his age.

"You're right," he said. "You're right. I admit I got carried away."

"You sure did," said Ariadne.

"Ariadne!" Ariela said.

"What?"

Ariela rolled her eyes to the heavens and gave an exasperated sigh.

It took a moment longer.

Finally Ariela was happy.

Yeah, it had taken some minutes to get things settled down again—some excruciating minutes, thanks to a certain stubborn individual whose name started with A—but all was well now.

Well, meaning that Ariadne was back to petulantly riding some ways ahead of them, so as to not feel tempted to get into another contest of wits with Erik, and Erik and Ariela were back to chatting—although somewhat more reservedly than before. The day was beautiful, and Ariela even found it in her to enjoy it instead of worrying about what lay ahead.

But most of all she was happy that Erik and Ariadne had not exactly hit it off. Yes, she admitted it. She'd have no chance of retaining Erik's attention should he and Ariadne somehow find a common tune. But seeing that the Badlands were likely to see first snow before that happened, at least she did not need to worry about that. Didn't even matter if he liked her or not, as long as he didn't like Ariadne.

Look at you, you're like a dog! You'd melt with happiness should he just call you to his side and pet your head like a good girl.

Her cheeks went angry red.

Some things there was simply no use trying to deny.