Haiii everybody ! ! I hope you had a great weekend ! ! I am excited to be posting chapter six today ! ! In this chapter , you can expect Zim's perspective . You'll also get a pretty good feel for what he thinks about the situationship with Dib . This title chapter comes from the song Breaking the Habit by Linkin Park . I love that song and highly recommend it . So without further ado , I hope you enjoy this update ! ! Btw , Trigger Warning for vomiting . It's at the very end of this ch . Reviews are super appreciated ! ! Tell me what you liked about this chapter , or what you think will happen next ! !
I Don't Know Why I Instigate and Say What I Don't Mean
I place the syringe back on the table, returning to poke his forehead.
"Dib?" I ask. He's unresponsive of course. Aside from how much fun I had doing that, I engage the straps on the chair he's sitting in so that his leaning forward doesn't pose a problem. Then I gently adjust his head so he's leaning back in the chair, shifting a few of the wires until he looks… well… as comfortable as he's going to be able to get. The computer reads that it's just before 2:00PM. This whole process should only take about an hour.
"Computer?"
"What now?" He replies.
"I haven't bothered you all day!" I seeth. "Activate the PAK customization for the Dib-Human."
"Data transfer initiated. Estimated time of completion, 70 minutes." The computer replies. The screen lights up, depicting an empty loading bar of the process. I walk back over to the front of the lab and retrieve the notes I started working on shortly before the sun came up. "There has to be a way for me to disguise the fur on his head."
"Cut it all off!" GIR yells in response. I entertain the idea for a second but decide against it. "No, GIR." I call out in response. I'm scanning the pages trying to figure out what to do and finally I decide which design to work with and start in.
The base of this invention will be an ordinary pair of earth wires. Made for ears and listening to all that awful noise humans - and GIR - seem to love so much. Honestly, I wish GIR could use these. His taste in earth music makes me sick. These particular ear wires are just one of many things I've acquired from the Dib over the years. Whatever he leaves behind here, he doesn't get back. He knows that and he's much more careful now. I carry them over to the back of the lab and place them on the table near where he's still asleep and GIR has left his previous post and is parked right by his chair, still coloring while humming a song I recognize from this new Ploopsy show he watches.
After depositing the wires on the work table, I walk over to the cabinets along the wall next to all my earth studies, pressing a button and having my eyes scanned before it clicks open and all my chemicals are presented in a neat alphabetical order.
"Drivest, sislaf, pircanor, miresa…" I mumble as I collect all the viles I'll need. I place them all on the table near the ear wires and then go back for some beakers, tongs and test tubes.
"GIR." I say as I lock the cabinet back up. "I need to borrow those." I say, pointing down at the scissors near where he'd cut out a picture a few minutes ago. Of course he throws them at me even though I am standing right in front of him but I manage to catch them and glare some daggers his way. He just shrugs and carries on with his humming and drawing. As I'm working on the… I suppose I will call them ear concealers - I keep glancing up at Dib and checking the progress on the monitor which I only had to turn back from cartoons once after scolding GIR.
I've been working for about an hour and the goggles I put on are getting annoying but I see the status bar on the monitor saying it's about 90% complete and I want these concealers to be done before that so I can focus on the PAK. I have the exact mixture I need to place into the ear wires but before I do, I need something else. I turn towards Dib, analyzing his features as he sleeps. I've watched him sleep before. Plenty of times. Whether it was when he was here or when he was in his own home, completely unknowing. And there were a few times when he was at this camp thing for the summer.
His black hair rests over his shut eyelids and his mouth is closed but his jaw is relaxed. You would think that for someone to constantly spend all their time with an "extraterrestrial" he wouldn't be so anxious all the time. There really is no unknown to him. What could he be so afraid of all the time? He's explained it to me a few times, the anxiety he has, but I still don't get it. Humans really just feel anxious for no reason? Completely unprovoked? It would seem as if humans are the real danger to themselves. Naturally. Bodies that constantly turn against them.
I drag a finger over one eyebrow, then another. Then lightly ghost over his eyelashes. I don't usually get to see them this well since he has to wear glasses but I actually really like them. They're black like his hair and, from what he's told me and what I've been able to observe on my own, his eyelashes are longer than the average human male. Most likely because his eyes are also larger and need more protection from debris. Whatever the reason, I do like them. Don't ask me why, though. I trail down from his eyes, down his actually pretty small nose, down to his thin lips and sigh. Then I hear it. The voice.
"It doesn't matter what you do, if you take him to Irk, he won't be coming back." I shake my head.
"That isn't true. Shut up!" I reply, picking up the scissors again. Thankfully, the voice doesn't actually keep talking for once and all I hear is GIR's incessant humming.
I don't want to cut the hair hanging over his eyes. For my own reasons. But I've been with him previously at the barbershop when they apparently failed to meet his expectations and I don't want to see anything like that again, either. I gently place a hand on the back of his neck, pulling his head forward to rest on my chest, and searching his head. He'd throw a fit if he woke up to a bald spot in the middle of his scalp so I'll go with a small amount just at the base of his head. I set the jet black tuft on the table and readjust him so he's upright again, then get back to work on the wires.
The monitor sounds, alerting me that the data transfer is complete just as I finish working on the concealers and set them aside, cleaning up some of the mess and then walking over to my computer chair, clicking around a few times before the wires hiss and fall down around Dib, slowly rising back up into the ceiling, then I pick up the second syringe and walk back over to where he's still asleep, sliding some of his hair away from his right shoulder, pressing the needle down near his collarbone and then setting it on the table. Glancing up at the monitor, I can see it's 3:20PM. I huff out a breath, retrieving his glasses and setting them back on his face when he starts moving around. His eyebrows furrow a bit and he kind of shakes his head.
"How was your nap?" I ask. He shakes his head again, eyes still closed.
"Awful." He mumbles with a hoarse voice.
"That's expected." I reply with a shrug. "You're probably still pretty disoriented. The data transfer is complete and everything you need for the trip is ready." He doesn't respond beyond sort of scrunching up his face. "I figured out how to conceal your fur, too." Because that voice is completely wrong. Zim knows what I am doing.
"What… was in that… sedative?" He grumbles, cracking his eyes open and shutting them again quickly. I just shake my head, picking up the small spray bottle from the table, spraying a mist over his face and putting it back. About a minute later, he's finally blinking his eyes open and adjusting himself. I detach all the straps holding him in place. "That was weird." He says, standing and stretching various ridiculous ways.
"You were taking too long to get over your side effects so I sped up the process. You're welcome. Now, try these on." I shove the concealers at him.
"Ugh, can't I have a minute? My butt and legs are completely asleep!" He whines. "Wait… Are these my headphones?"
"No. They're mine. And I'm generously letting you borrow them. Now try them on."
"Fine." He says, taking them from me and observing them first.
"Take all the adornment out of your ears first." I instruct.
"You mean my earrings?" He asks, unamused.
"Shut up. You're lucky I reminded you. I could have let them phase into your skull."
"And I'm surprised you didn't." He says, removing the jewelry and reaching to put the headphones on, but pausing before actually placing them in his ears. "Is this going to-"
"Just put them on!" I reply, tapping a foot impatiently. He plugs them into his ears and the wire in the middle raises over his head as the pieces in his ears shift to fit the mold of his ears, stretching them upwards and combining with the fur on his head. A few more seconds and it's all come together so that he's got a set of antennas on top of his head.
"Okay, that actually kind of hurt." He says, taking his glasses off when they start to fall.
"Can you hear me?" I ask.
"Yeah… Oh my God…" he exclaims, reaching up to feel for his ears which aren't there anymore.
"You look hilarious." I state. And he does. He looks like a weird cross between human and Irken, pale skinned and brown eyed except with a bald head sporting a set of black antennas. "Don't freak out. The ends of your antennas are the earpieces. You'll just have to click them off and take the wires off to go back to your regular inferior human form. For now, here." I hold out the rest of his disguise. "Put these on because you look really weird." He finally stops feeling all over the sides of his face and retrieves the contacts and the necklace, putting them on again. "Your antennae are long."
"Is that bad?" He asks, reaching up for one.
"It's not anything. It just is."
"This… is actually weird." He says.
"You haven't even seen yourself yet."
"I'm afraid to." He says, pocketing his glasses.
"Well. Currently, you have almost everything you need to pass as a decent Irken. But, you need your PAK to change the pasty skin."
"Well we can't all be fake sun-kissed." He replies.
"Even without my disguise, I'm not pasty."
"Because you're green."
"Anyway. Obviously there are no holes in your back." I start.
"You didn't put any there while I was asleep? Wow thanks." He replies blandly.
"The thought crossed my mind. But no."
"You stabbed me." He says, walking over to the table and picking up one of the syringes.
"Just come over here." I direct, walking over to where the PAK has been hooked up to the computer this entire time. He sets down the needles and follows close behind.
"You need this." I say holding out a round patch.
"Where does it go?"
"On your b-"
"Master! I drew this for you!" GIR screams, clanking over to us. He hands me a paper cutout of him and I. At least, I think it's him and I. He's my height in the picture which is completely absurd but perhaps he just lacks spacial awareness. He did a terrible job of coloring inside the lines that he drew and my eyes are so big, they come away from my face. And I have no mouth. I take it anyway.
"Thank you, GIR." I say.
"I wanna see." Dib says, so I shove the drawing at him. "This is the cutest thing ever. You have to hang it up."
"Right, this is another one of those refrigerator drawings?" I ask, watching him analyze it. Not that I'd willingly admit it to him but… the Dib-Human actually makes a pretty good Irken. Or I guess I am making a good Irken since it's all been my doing. Still, it's enjoyable to see him like this.
"Well I would say so. It's your decision, it's not a requirement, I was kidding that time I said it was." He replies.
"I made you one too!" GIR says, handing Dib a second picture. I check the time on the computer and it reads 3:45pm. While Dib is analyzing the drawings and indulging an overly excited GIR, I eject the PAK and look it over.
"So let me guess, this me and… Is that… is this Gaz?" Dib asks.
"Uhuh! Do you like it?" GIR asks, nodding emphatically. I walk over and peer down at it.
"It's awesome. Thanks GIR." Dib replies. He's just staring at the picture with a weird face.
"GIR. Take my picture upstairs and put it on the refrigerator." I tell him and he's rushing off immediately. I look over at Dib. "You're sad."
"What?" He asks, seemingly confused but he's a terrible actor.
"What's the problem?"
"I don't know. I guess everything's just kind of hitting me right now. I mean, I'm going to be in space. For months…"
"Do you no longer wish to go?"
"It's not that at all! I really want to go. I always figured being in space would be lonely for me but now I get to go with you. But I still… I guess I'll miss my sister. It's stupid." He shrugs, folding up the drawing and putting it in his pocket.
"Oh. Well. It's… that makes sense. She's your sibling." I say. I'm still not very good at this whole comfort business but at least I asked.
"I'm also nervous because… I don't know. What if I do something wrong?"
"Like what?" I ask, picking up the patch adhesive for his PAK.
"I don't know how to blend in on my own planet. What if you get in trouble for bringing me? If someone finds out?" He asks. I hum in response but gesture a finger telling him to turn around.
"This patch goes on your back. It won't feel like anything but it's the connector for your PAK, it'll transfer everything you need without having to surgically install it. It might be cold at first but you'll adjust. Are you ready?"
"Yeah."
I lift up the back of his shirt and stick the patch on between his shoulder blades and surprisingly, he doesn't flinch away.
"Not so scared now?" I ask.
"No."
"You don't have to worry about that." I start and then huff out a breath. "I'm not… Well. You'll be fine. We'll both be fine." I say, letting his shirt fall.
"I just don't want to cause you any more trouble." He sighs.
"You won't!" I hiss. "The only way you will is if you don't drop the shmoop act and if you don't go with me!"
"Okay, okay. Calm down. Let's see the PAK." He laughs. I can still tell he isn't exactly happy but he's less shmoopy and I guess that's better. I pick up his PAK and blow out a breath before attaching it to him. "So my PAK won't do all the cool stuff yours does, right?"
"Cool… stuff?"
"You know what I mean." He replies, turning to look behind him as if he would be able to see anything that way.
"Well. As I said, it's not meant to be fully functioning. And it works with your biology. Humans aren't very 'cool' to begin with." I say and he glares at me. "What's cool about my PAK?"
"Oh. Um. I don't know. I just think it's cool. I mean, you know weapons and stuff. Metal legs. Storage." He shrugs.
"Hm." I reply, not necessarily sure how to take that compliment even though I wanted it. "Well…" I start, already feeling nauseous as I form the sentence in my head. "You look… nice. As an Irken I-I like how you, uh, look."
"Thanks, Zim." He smiles. Humans have such weird teeth and it's a wonder how they can eat half the things they do with those weird flat squares. Some of them, like the Dib-Human, have a couple of semi-sharp teeth. One on each side of his top row. And while I suppose I could have made it so his disguise fixed that (Irkens certainly don't have flat square teeth, historically our teeth were one of our main weapons. Super long ago and completely unnecessary now but they're still a good backup plan) I didn't because I guess I like his smile.
I clear my throat and straighten my posture. "It's almost time for the transmission." His smile falters a little.
"Right. So. Should I go upstairs?"
"Do whatever makes you comfortable." I reply, starting to straighten up the lab. Picking up crayons (a few of which appear to have bites taken out of them), papers, throwing away syringes, etc. He follows my lead and starts collecting beakers off the table and placing them in the sanitization chamber.
"Honestly, the Tallests scare me."
"Of course they do. It's better that you go upstairs and keep GIR occupied so there won't be any interruptions. If anyone comes to the door, don't answer it in your disguise and don't let GIR answer it either. With or without his disguise."
"Keep him occupied, how?"
"Must I come up with all the ideas?!" I ask.
"No, sorry, you're right. I'll figure it out." He says. The lab is pretty much cleaned up so I just walk over to the monitor and stand there. We fall into silence for a long while and I'm just thinking about this whole situation. Actually going to Irk again. "You know. It'll be nice to go to space with you instead of fighting against you." He continues.
"Hmm?" I ask.
"The whole Mars, Mercury thing?" He asks.
"Heh?"
"The planet ships? When you were trying to squish everyone on earth? Using Mars as a ship?"
"I have no idea what you're talking about." I state.
Yes I do.
"O…Kayyy. Well thanks for offering to take me with you. I cannot wait to see what life is like on Irk. I'm going to keep a journal the whole time I'm there, and I can finally use my new camera for something that's actually interesting." He says. He's still talking but I'm kind of zoning out staring at the monitor. "… The Sasquatch in the park. But that was better than the time with the lake serpent since-" He's still going but I'll let him be Dib-ranting. I turn and look at him, nodding even though I'm not really paying attention. Just observing. The way I can still tell his eyes are lighting up behind the contacts, I can pick up on the smile behind all of his words and the slight increase in his heart rate. He's got the same nervous excited energy he always has when he talks of these things. Lots of hand movements while he talks. "Zim?"
"Huh?" I ask, shaking my head.
"While we're there, are we going to have time to do anything else?" He asks, cautiously.
"How should I know? I haven't gotten the transmission yet!" I reply, annoyed that I've kind of been caught just staring.
"Is there anything fun we can do there?"
"Fun?"
"What did you do there for fun?"
"Nothing? What are you even talking about? Irk is for training. For breeding soldiers. There's nothing fun about it. Fun is distracting." I reply firmly.
"That sounds boring." He replies, looking almost crestfallen.
"We won't be there long and maybe we can stop off somewhere… fun." I shrug. He wipes that other look off his face (thankfully). "And now, I am actually talking to you in Irken."
"Wow…" he says, and I can't really discern the facial expression he's giving me. It's odd to see an Irken blush red though.
"Now go upstairs." I instruct.
"You've still got fifteen minutes before your call."
"Yeah I know and I would rather sit in silence for it."
"I can sit in silence with you."
"Lies." I say, narrowing my eyes.
"Unless the real reason you want me to leave is because I'm distracting you." He says, reaching over to poke me in the side and failing since I place a hand on his face and shove him away.
"You are. And it's annoying." I reply. He just chuckles a little bit. He's hesitant but reaches out and grabs my hand. My first thought is to take it away but my second thought is to let him because, surprisingly enough, it's actually making me feel less nervous. I watch him closely, he looks happy. Happy to be wearing this new brilliant disguise? Happy to possibly be going to visit Irk? Or maybe… Just happy to be here with me?
The problem with my PAK, well one of them, is that it doesn't just fail to filter out all these useless emotions. It doesn't help me sort through them either. The weird romantic feelings are hard enough to deal with but these underlying feelings are worse. It's like every time we make some kind of progress towards the relationship that he wants, the one I decided I actually want to give him, I always stop myself. Just looking at him right now, completely disguised as an Irken, ready to fly off into space with me, taking my word for everything. I love it. I love it and I hate it. He should trust me. I'm amazing, I'm brilliant, and I'm the best thing to ever walk on this filthy planet. But he shouldn't trust me. I've don't nothing but the absolute worst things to him in the past. It doesn't matter how long ago it was. It doesn't matter that I haven't done anything like that in five years. Sure, we've had our regular fights but I haven't tried to end him in years. I've had a thought or two… or more… but I never actually tried.
Everything I know about human romantic relationships comes from three places. None are actually trustworthy. The first being observation all throughout high school. High school age humans are more likely to want their partner around all the time. And they can actually get pretty emotional if their partner ends the relationship or starts a new relationship without telling them about it. They also like for the entire world to know they're together. It's obvious through all the kissing in hallways, staircases, and in the cafeteria. Aside from that, the constant hand holding, and having a conversation with anyone is like having a conversation with the person that they're dating. All they do is talk about each other. Suffice to say, high school taught me that relationships are annoying.
My second source, my own research, is probably the most reliable of the three. The things I found are pretty fascinating. Humans never evolved from this partnering up as a way to reproduce which is not surprising since they aren't very intelligent. But it doesn't seem like it's something they want to evolve from, which is interesting. They actually enjoy forming these relationships and cohabiting with another human of their choice. It's like they aren't even looking for ways to exist without it. Not that my relationship with my human would be for the purpose of reproduction since technically I would be considered a male. Earth is so far behind, they only assign one of two sexes at birth and if I have to be in a box, it's male since (just like Dib) there's no way I could carry any offspring. I've done some research about these sorts of relationships, too and even though they're slightly less common than the other type, they're still pretty popular. There's so little evidence of when Irk used to support relationships, I have no idea if same sex relationships were even a thing there.
My third source, and possibly my least reliable source of all, is GIR. He goes through these phases where all he's into are all these romancey, dramatic, saccharine films and at first I was never interested and immediately concluded that these films were worse than the awful cartoons he watched. But after Dib-Thing told me how he was feeling about me, it piqued my curiosity to see what exactly he was thinking. I couldn't just ask him since he stirred up new emotions and I wanted nothing more than to stay away from him so I could focus on my mission. But another part of me had to know. I binge watched plenty of these movies with GIR during the month Dib and I weren't speaking. It was nothing short of agonizing. I've only been without him a couple of times since we met and this third time was the worst. I didn't want it. I didn't want to completely shut him out of my life. And the more I watched these films, the more I started to think that maybe it wasn't so bad. Maybe I could operate that way with him. It didn't seem that far off from how close we already were. And the thought of doing all these coupley things with Dib didn't actually make me sick like it has in the past when other flesh pails mistakenly assumed I would want anything to do with their affections. And, I guess I did feel particularly murderous towards the few and far between humans who expressed romantic interest in Dib.
Anyway, after everything that happened with Tallests Red and Purple, I had to talk to someone. And I guess GIR wasn't willing to put up with my shmoop that day since he's the one who encouraged me to go talk with Dib-Thing. And it was like we were back to our old selves after that. But something was off. It felt like something was missing but it was something that was never even there. And it was because I couldn't stop thinking about all this romancey stuff around him. He didn't bring up his feelings anymore, clearly because I successfully convinced him that I didn't reciprocate them, but spending all my free time with him made it hard to ignore and I don't know how he was able to do it even when I was struggling. Clearly I'm better at concealing my emotions than I thought because when I kissed him at the outlook three months ago, he was pretty shocked.
I'm actually still shocked to be honest. There's the part of me that is borderline obsessed with the fact that he looks past everything awful I've ever done and still sees something he likes. There's a part of me that is angry that he doesn't hold any of it against me because he should. There's that part of me that just wants to attempt this relationship thing with him for the sole reason that I just do. I hate to admit it but there's a part of me that's scared. He doesn't know everything about me, and if he did, would he still be able to look past it? I don't need anyone. I never did. But this is the first time I've actually wanted someone and it's overwhelming. Sometimes, I just don't know what to do with it.
"I told you." He says quietly. I snap out of my thoughts and turn towards him again.
"Wow, you're right, you've been quiet for a whole ten minutes. It must be a record." I reply.
"Anyway I guess I'll head upstairs now."
"Wait! Don't you want to see how your Irken design came together?" I ask. He looks like he just now remembers that he's wearing it which is good, that means it's comfortable.
"Right, I almost forgot."
"You should be careful about that. Don't forget to change before you leave. Now there's a cabinet over here, the inside of the door is a mirror." I say, walking over to the storage room and opening the door. "Into your hiding spot." I usher.
"Ugh. Stop." He groans. I cross over to the other side of the room and stop in front of the tall navy blue cabinet, yanking the rickety door open. He looks at me for a moment and then walks to stand right in front of the mirror. For a second, I don't think he's going to say anything and I'm just standing next to him, watching him through our reflections as his wide eyes take in his new form. "This is…"
"I know it's not perfect. Don't worry though, some Irkens have noses sort of similar to yours. It's not so common and people might think you're weird but it's nothing that will raise suspicion. And no one should really be close enough to see that your hands have an extra digit. Other than that, I'd say you're good to go." I nod resolutely. He's still staring at himself, running a finger down one of his antennas.
"You did all of this just to take me into space with you…" He says quietly. Almost like he isn't talking to me but I mean he has to be. His eyes meet mine in the mirror.
"Well someone needs to keep an eye on GIR while I'm there." I shrug. He squints his eyes at me, a slow smile creeping across his face.
"Right. Thanks anyway. You obviously worked really hard and I… it's perfect. I love it." He says. Then he turns and wraps his arms around me and it kind of catches me off guard. I take a second to respond but I hug him back and he hugs me tighter. I'm not sure why exactly he's hugging me. It's nice though but the longer he holds on, the more sick I feel. It's obviously not the result of cologne or anything because, thankfully, he doesn't wear any. But there's a warm feeling spreading through me again that feels nice while simultaneously there's a turning in my stomach that wants to push him away. I try to ignore it. I'm trying not to push him away anymore but it doesn't end well. I take a deep breath and fling my arms out, shoving him away. I don't get to see his reaction because a split second later, I'm completely falling apart and covering the storage room floor in the bluish black bile that just wouldn't stay in my stomach. I didn't even realize I was still holding him away from me with my right hand on his chest while my left hand was clutching my own.
"Zim, oh my God, what's-" He starts to ask and I just shake my head. He probably can't tell since I'm violently shaking anyway and still dry heaving.
"Dammit, Dib!" I scold for no reason at all. I'm just frustrated. Even a simple hug can make me feel awful. I'm not deserving of affection, especially not from him. He shouldn't be hugging me. He shouldn't be trying to fly to Irk with me. He shouldn't be trying to make anything work with me. Our relationship should be way too far gone to try anything like this. You don't do the things I did and still get this kind of relationship in return.
"I-Im sorry, I can-"
"Just go!" I snap. I'm still turned away from him and I remove my hand from his chest to wipe my mouth. How can we work on this if at every turn, there's this horrible bottomless guilt eating me alive?
"I'll clean up, just-" This time he's interrupted by the familiar trilling of my computer.
"Incoming transmission from the Tallests." My computer announces. I steady my breathing.
"Go upstairs!" I shout. He doesn't seem to know what to do and I'm still looking away from him but on the side of my eye I see him reach for me once more before deciding to just go. I sigh when I hear the elevator come and go, then leave the storage room. "Computer, open transmission" I demand, then clear my throat, because my voice is still slightly hoarse, and adjust my posture ready for the call to be connected.