Summary: After the family dinner , Zim and Dib hang out for a bit and Dib opens up a lot , giving Zim much to think about .
Notes: HAIIIIIII ! ! 3 3 Thank you for coming back for another update ! ! ^_^ I am so excited to post this new chapter ! ! First things first , this chapter is told from Zim's perspective . Secondly , HUGE trigger warning for this chapter . Dib discusses some pretty dark experiences that he's never talked about before O_o . This includes his struggles with anxiety , issues with eating , discussions of suicide , etc . It gets pretty heavy . It's a significant chapter because it shows how their relationship is progressing and Zim is starting to realize just how much closer they're getting . This chapter is named after the song Learning to Fall by Boys Like Girls because it just speaks to Zim learning how to handle not only his own emotions but those of someone who cares about as
well 3 . Okai ! ! Without further ado , I hope you enjoy this update ! ! Comments are extremely appreciated ! ! ^_^ ^_^
After that train wreck of a dinner, I'm sitting at the computer desk in Dib-Human's room while he looks through his dresser.
"Here." He says, holding out a black T-shirt with that weird Swollen Eyeball symbol on the front of it. I take it anyway and deactivate my annoying disguise, blinking away the usual eye irritation.
"As far as these earth dinners go, how was it?" I inquire and he moves to sit on his bed.
"Honestly, it was better than I expected." He shrugs and I scoff.
"That can't be true." I reply before he's even finished answering. Obviously he's lying. I threw up on the kitchen floor.
"It is. All I wanted was for you and my dad to like each other, beyond waving to each other when you visit and he's leaving."
"But why?" I ask, even though I know I shouldn't. Between Dib working so hard to have me here for dinner and his father expressing all those mushy sentiments, it felt like a cord around my throat downstairs.
"Because" he sighs. "I… Eventually, I want to tell him."
"When?"
"I guess when we're both ready." He replies. I don't say anything though. I can't. I'm still trying to decide if this whole thing is more trouble than it's worth. No matter how hard I try, these awful feelings just won't go away. And when they do, the Tallests bring them right back. How could Dib want his father to like me? And how could his father actually care about anyone who constantly tried to destroy his offspring? "Change your shirt." He says.
"I am!" I hiss, starting to tug the hem of my sweater. After yanking it over my head, I notice he's just staring at me. "What?" I ask, squinting an eye at him. He quickly shifts his gaze to the floor.
"Sorry." He mumbles, his face starting to turn a weird pink color. "I just realized, I've never seen you without a shirt on." He continues, still looking at the floor.
"Oh." I reply, tugging the oversized shirt on. "You don't have to be weird. There isn't much going on there."
"Yeah for you and me both. Even my sister has abs from being in gymnastics. Wait, can you get abs?" He inquires.
"No." I say back and he nods, clearly spacing out. "I should probably go back to the base. Make sure it's still there."
"Is everything ready for the trip?" He asks.
"Of course."
"Then can't you stay a little longer?" He asks, still staring down at the carpet, trying to appear nonchalant by picking at his fingers.
"GIR is home alone. I'm not sure where Minimoose is, he usually keeps GIR from making too much of a mess." I explain, walking over to the window farthest to the right and drawing the blinds so I can open it.
"So tell him to come over here. I mean, his food is here anyway." He points out. I want to just say no and leave. This whole experience has been incredibly taxing and overwhelming with emotions. I just want to be back home where things make a little more sense. Where things are simpler and I don't have to think about family dynamics, relationships, romancey feelings and… the future.
"Honestly, you could have him for the night. But I still want to leave." I reply, half joking. As if I'd leave GIR with him for a whole night. At least, I don't think I would…
"O-oh… Why?" He asks, brows furrowed. The window I opened is the one directly across from his bed and the moonlight is caught on his glasses so I can't see his eyes.
Because I need a break.
"Because you're going to see me tomorrow?" I reply and he sighs.
"I get that. But I'm just…"
"What? Spit it out!" I scold.
"I'm anxious. I feel anxious." He says and I lean against the window frame, squinting at him with my arms folded.
"Okay? That's between you and your brain. What am I supposed to do about it?"
"Come sit down." He replies irritatedly. I sigh and retrieve my HSS, checking over the house, everything looks fine aside from the mess of crayons and colorings on the living room floor. I put it away and extend my communicator to contact GIR.
"GIR! Come to Zim." I demand and he briefly salutes before hanging up.
"You just tore like two different holes into my favorite shirt." Dib says.
"Yeah yeah. Now tell me more of these feelings of anxiety." I reply, finally moving to sit beside him on the bed. He's quiet for a moment, looking down at the floor and then taking off his glasses to rub his eyes and then putting them back on. My stomach is finally going back to normal until he leans his head on my shoulder.
"You smell like vomit." He yawns.
"Then get off of me." I hiss back.
"No, I don't think I will." He replies quickly. His house is eerily silent as it always is. His sister doesn't make very much noise and his father typically isn't home. I'm surprised he still has no tv in his bedroom. "Can I ask you something?"
"If you want to make me mad." I reply and he shrugs.
"You're always mad." He says yawning again. We're both silent for a long time and I start picking at the threads in the hem of the shirt I'm wearing. "Zim… Are you sick?"
"What?!" I ask, tuning to look down at the top of his head.
"Are you sick?" He asks again, sitting up to look at me.
"Sick?! Zim?! Don't be stupid." I reply, waving a hand.
"That's the second time you've thrown up this week alone." He says seriously. "I know you don't want to talk about it and you want to pretend it isn't happening but I need to know. And you need to tell me."
"Irkens do not get sick. And we're not talking about this." I say back and he shakes his head, looking down again.
"Then what is going on?" He asks and I feel my antennae flatten against my head in aggravation. He's always poking and prodding. Always trying to understand things, always trying to help. I don't get it, just why is he so sickeningly good. And who on earth (or any planet really) would behave that way towards Zim?
"It's none of your business!" I snap, pointing a finger in his chest.
"It kind of is." He says calmly, taking my hand away from his chest but keeping hold of it. Is it really his business now that we're… something? He turns my hand over and starts running a finger up and down my palm. It feels weird but is oddly satisfying, even with the gloves on.
"And just what about you!?" I ask snatching my hand away to stare at it.
"What about me?" He blinks.
"Why are you feeling the anxious emotions?"
"Oh. I don't know, I shouldn't be. I mean everything went better than I thought but I still feel… funny."
"And Zim sitting here is supposed to help with that?" I ask.
"Well yes because if you weren't, I'd be alone and I'd be thinking."
"Thinking about what?" I inquire.
"Just thinking, Zim. And I don't want to think right now." He groans and turns to look out the open window. I'm quiet then, shifting my gaze down to the floor and wondering what could be in his mind that he's so afraid of. What could he possibly think about that's scarier than what's sitting right next to him?
Around 10:00 PM, we both jump at the loud sound of something slamming against the middle window. When he gets up, he draws the blinds and pulls the window up so GIR can fall into the room. And fall he does, right onto his face.
"Hi floor! Make me a sammich!" He chirps happily.
"What took you so long? And where is your doggie suit?!" I ask as he rights himself.
"I got hungry!" He says, completely ignoring my second question (unless he ate it) and opening his head to pull out a live chicken. He's about to eat the entire thing in one bite when Dib-Thing interrupts.
"Hey actually! We have something way better for you to eat. Maybe uh, don't eat that in front of me."
GIR looks at me, shiny eyes similar to the two open windows, and I shrug so he stuffs the chicken in his mouth and then fires it out the window through the top of his head. Dib just sighs but gets him set up in the computer chair with all of his food and drink. He even goes to some streaming service on his desktop for GIR to watch and it never gets any stranger than watching someone else take care of him.
"I'm just going to shut this, he's watching that kind of loud and Gaz has school in the morning." He says, closing the door. "Now. Will you finally talk to me?"
"I've been talking to you this entire time, idiot." I reply, standing up and walking over to the middle window, just staring out of it.
"You know exactly what I mean." He says, following my lead and staring out of the window across from the bed.
The stars aren't as bright here as they are at the outlook but they're still plentiful. I can't help but think about the way Dib-Human acts around GIR. It's different from all the other humans who like him so much. Most of them just like him as a toddler. Very few like him much as a dog. But Dib likes him the way he is and it gives me this unusual feeling, similar to the nausea but much less unbearable. He plays games with him all the time, and brings him surprises and talks to him in this sickeningly syrupy tone of voice all the time but it seems like something GIR really enjoys. They, for the most part, really appear to enjoy each other's presence. And even Minimoose is warming up to Dib. The thoughts I'm trying to process make my PAK feel like it'll short circuit from working double time just to understand and I feel irritation settling in. Why let me have access to these feelings if it can't help me make sense of them?! Help me figure out where to go from here?!
I dig my fingernails into the window sill as my thoughts shift back to the dinner. The way the father seemed to express genuine care for me and the way Dib-Human's heart raced the entire time. I've never really considered the fact that I didn't have a family unit because Invaders don't need one. We aren't even supposed to want one. It just isn't something popular on Irk. But in the short time I worked on Foodcourtia, I observed all different types of customers who came and went, plenty of which were these giant families. Sitting together, looking out for each other, talking and laughing with one another. They came and went as one unit. It was fascinating but I never thought it was anything I would want because it just didn't seem like anything I could have. No one on Irk cares about that stuff. The closest things I've ever had to family (besides GIR and Minimoose) have been the Tallests. Especially Red and Purple. I craved their approval and pride in the same way I've seen Dib seek from his father. Irkens aren't allowed to love anything or anyone but the Tallests and love them I did, with everything I had.
But with what happened with them, I could never just coalesce with an earth family like that. Sure, it was amusing to spend more time with Gaz. And sitting at the table with the three of them, weird as it was, didn't feel wrong. But I can't let that happen often. It would only be a matter of time before I do something that kills them all too, wouldn't it? Would it be worthless to try? Would I still have to try if the new Tallests allow me to officially become an Invader again?
Just then, GIR laughs loudly at something he's watching and I glance at him, then turn to Dib.
"Why exactly is it important to you that I gain approval from your Father? Explain it." I finally ask and Dib continues staring out the window.
"I already told you, when I tell him, I don't want it to be just one more thing we don't agree about." He says back.
"Is that the thought you don't want to be alone with?" I ask and he looks at me.
"No. But it doesn't help." He says, walking back over to the bed and falling onto it just staring at the ceiling. "Me and my dad have a weird relationship."
"I wouldn't know the difference." I sigh, walking over to lay down next to him. I've seen other families but I haven't known much about how they are with one another beyond surface level and family relationships have such diverse demonstrations in all the films I've seen.
"There's a lot of things I just don't want to think about anymore… And I…" He sighs and turns over on his side so that he's facing me so I do the same, giving a curious look.
"You're being weirder than usual, human." I state.
"Because I'm trying to tell you something that I've never said out loud before." He says back. I see him look over at GIR who really is paying us no mind as he drains the cup of earth juice with his eyes still fixed on the colorful computer screen. "When I was 12. Right before I met you, actually, it was right after my first stay at the Crazy House for Boys. I was really… scared while I was there. No one visited me. And I just had so much anxiety, my stomach hurt all the time and I wouldn't eat. So, on my third day there, this new nurse visits me and…"
I watch him struggling through his thoughts. I'm not even sure what he's trying to say and why. He's been to the Crazy House plenty of times and he's always seemed fine to me. Well. As fine as Dib can be, anyway.
"She has me sit in this chair and, like, straps me in so I start freaking out and screaming about it and she puts this weird thing in my mouth, around my face and I couldn't scream anymore. I couldn't move. And she put this tube in my nose to force me to eat this weird meal replacement. She didn't talk to me at all, she never said a word the entire time and I couldn't even… I thought I was going to suffocate. I thought I was going to vomit and choke on it. And I thought my dad would never even notice and if he did, he would just say I was troubled and move on with his golden child."
"The nurse forced you to eat?"
"Yes."
"Why?"
"I found out later that my dad gave them permission when they called and told him that I wasn't touching any of the food they brought me."
"What was wrong with your stomach?"
"It was all the anxiety and emotions twisted up in me. I just didn't have an appetite and I couldn't keep anything down. I just didn't want anything. And they were so… cold. Parents probably don't even know how they really treat their kids there. And most kids don't get to leave. By the time I left, I had bruises on my arms and legs..."
I still don't understand why he's telling me all this but it is interesting to hear. "So they were torturing you." I ask but he doesn't say anything. We're both quiet and I start thinking about all the times I was punished during academy. I'd have to say the worst one was 'The Hole'. It was a disciplinary hole further underground where there was no room to do anything but stand in the same spot in total darkness until one of the higher ups finally remembered to come and get you. It was soundproof and the steel walls were combined with a field of energy that disrupted our PAKs so we couldn't use them. It was nothing short of awful but getting thrown in there got me noticed. It made people see me. It made everyone know who I am. I endured more than anyone else in training there so I know for an absolute fact that I'm the most skilled soldier Irk has ever produced.
"When I got out of there that time" he sighs, "I never felt more alone in my entire life. Dad had one of his employees pick me up and drop me off at home and no one was there. And I tried for days to go back to normal but I didn't know how. Not with the things I was thinking about. The things I was dreaming about when I could finally get some sleep. I was so miserable all the time. Even TSE forced me to take a break when they got word of where I had been so I had nothing and no one. I was completely invisible and every second of every day was excruciating and I couldn't take it anymore. I was just so tired. So one day, I missed the school bus on purpose. I got my dad's migraine medicine out of the medicine cabinet and took it to my room. And… I already felt bad for what I was going to do but I was… tired. I was so tired." He says, seemingly on the brink of tears. So he almost wasn't even here when I got here? I've heard of this sort of thing before, similarly, Irkens have a self-destruct button on our uniform. But I've never heard of any Irken using it because of emotions.
"What happened?" I ask.
"Well. Apparently my sister missed the bus too and she just walked into my room unannounced. I don't know why. I guess to walk to school with me but she saw what I was doing and she straight up attacked me and took the pills away and I told her what happened and how I just didn't have the energy to do anything anymore. It was the first time in my entire life that she hugged me. And we agreed that if I ever had to go there again, I would eat, or at least do my best… and she would visit me." He replies, looking up at the ceiling thoughtfully. "Don't get me wrong. It was still a lot. But being able to say that somewhere deep down inside my sister does care about me, however twisted it may be, helped. I was still pretty lonely but I wasn't alone, if that makes sense. And then, like three days later, you show up." He says, poking my shoulder and smiling but it looks weak.
"And that's a good thing?" I ask.
"Actually, yes." He shrugs and then sighs heavily. "That was kind of a lot to get off my chest. Basically, Gaz and my Dad are important. Especially Gaz. And now I guess you're important, too… And it would be nice to have the three of you around more often."
"Okay. And how did it feel to tell Zim all of this?" I ask, feeling nausea creeping up on me again. I have no idea why. Just the way he was speaking and the things he was saying made me feel all different kinds of things. But how did he feel? What is it like to feel like you can talk to someone about the heaviest things you carry around?
"Honestly? Normal. I feel like no one knows me better than you do anyway so you might as well know it all."
"But you don't know everything about me." I reply.
"I know that."
"That doesn't bother you?"
"No." He says back simply.
"Why not?"
"Because I like talking to you. Even if you don't understand, you still try to. And no, you don't have to explicitly say that. I can tell." He says.
"That could be nothing more than your own silly, wishful thinking, human." I reply glaring at him and annoyingly enough, he smiles in return.
"You're right, it could be." He says, scooting down the bed further. "Now be quiet." He readjusts himself so that he's laying on my stomach with his right arm drifting over my side.
"You're going to sleep?"
"Possibly, if you shut up." He replies.
I'm still processing so much, I don't even bother saying anything else. Just before midnight, his breathing evens out and I can tell he's asleep. Even GIR's laughter and giggles are coming less often and he's letting out a yawn every few minutes from across the room.
Dib-Thing looked so relieved to have someone to divulge all of his thoughts to. What would it feel like for me to have that?
Actually, I'm losing sight of what's important. Irkens aren't supposed to need to 'talk about it' as the humans say. Things happen, you deal with them, and that's it - it's done. It shouldn't have long lasting damage or effects on us the way it does earth inhabitants. The day I've been waiting for is finally near and I cannot allow myself to get distracted… Anymore. It's time to prove myself to the new Tallests and I know I can. Even if I'm perhaps not the average Invader (there's currently an earthanoid treating me like a pillow…) I'm still the best one.
My gaze is fixed on the open window across from me while I'm still thinking about the upcoming trip, waiting for someone to say something. Expecting one of the voices to pop up but it doesn't come. Fine by me, I've had my fill of them for the evening, ever since I arrived for dinner.
Aside from thoughts about going to Irk, I feel oddly content right now. So much so that I don't even bother reprimanding GIR when he climbs onto the pillow I'm laying on and rests himself on my head.