Summary: Zim is not taking the breakup very well. He also finally talks to Skoodge.
Notes: Hai Hai again ! ! ^_^ I hope you're all living for these two angsty lil beans ! ! Second update tonight ! ! :) :) :) For this chapter , you can expect it to be told from Zim's perspective . Zim is in terrible shape and his entire world is falling down around him . He can't figure out what's wrong with him or where he belongs . The title of this chapter comes from the song Homicide Love by James Arthur because it speaks to how Zim is just exhausted and wants everything to be okay but he doesn't know if and how he could make it so . Without further ado , any comments will be so immensely appreciated ^_^ ^_^ ! ! I love love love hearing your thoughts ! ! I hope you enjoy this update as much as I loved writing it :D
Homicide Love
***Coming back to the base feels surreal. It's completely untouched. It looks just as it did when we left for Irk. Plush pigs all over the place, stray papers and crayons strewn about. But no one is here. It's just me. No one's here because of me. I don't even know where to start to fix any of this. My life source is at a measly 9 percent so everything looks like it's at the end of a tunnel, I can barely catch my breath, I can't even hold myself upright anymore. How on earth am I going to fix GIR in this condition?
I can barely feel my legs but they carry me to the couch where I finally collapse, the pain in my back making itself known insistently. It only serves as a reminder that there is no oddly endearing human here to help me. Only it isn't odd. That human loved me. He loved me. It was obviously the biggest mistake he ever made because that love was the death of him. And Zim never deserved it to begin with.
There's nothing I can do to deserve it. No matter what I do for him, no matter what I do for the Tallests, I don't do any of it right. All I've ever done is try. I've tried so hard to be deserving of all the things I've wanted and it's been failure after failure.
I'm doing the right thing. This is the right thing. Zim is undoubtedly the worst thing that has ever happened to Dib so removing myself from the picture has to be the best course of action. I've done my part. I delivered him to people who can actually help him, people that know what they're doing. So why is it so quiet? Why is no one telling me that? Where is everyone?
The silence is actually sickening to me. I'm sure that if anyone were to show up, they'd tell me this is what I deserve. Maybe they're ignoring me because they want me to feel this isolation even more. The voices- it's like they're all just twisting the knife.
"You've all been telling me to stop. You've all been telling me that! You've been telling me to give up since you were alive, well I did! Where are you now?!" I ask into the nothingness of the quiet room, feeling my blood boil when no response comes.
I can feel my horrible life source percentage trying to pull me under, likely a result of the PAK trying to heal itself but my mind is racing. My wrist communicator starts trilling, alerting me to a call from Dib's sister but I'm not entirely sure why. We've spoken, or rather, she's said all she needed to say to me when I contacted her about Dib. I'm not answering that. If she thinks Zim needs any help at all in this moment berating myself, she's sorely mistaken and I won't hear it from anyone else. I know what happened. I know what I did. I know I'm at fault.
My eyes start to fall closed but then I hear the door open and I look towards it, trying to prepare myself. It could be an intruder, I don't know, I haven't been here in weeks and humans are horrible, disgusting opportunists. Not that I feel as though I would be able to do much good defending my belongings in this state. Luckily though, when I am finally able to focus my vision, low and behold, guess who it is.
"You've got to be kidding me." I mumble at the sight of Minimoose as the door shuts behind him. "Where have you been?!" I ask, seething at the very thought that this possibly could have been avoided if only he were around! Zim doesn't know exactly what he could have done but surely something! Anyone could have done more than I did…
His response comes quickly and only serves to further frustrate me.
"Isn't it time you took a break from terrorizing uncharted planets? You're going to slip up and eventually intergalactic law enforcement will be on your tail! It's not something Zim wants to deal with! And you should have been-" I'm reading him the complaints that he clearly doesn't listen to as he interrupts me just to tell me that I look terrible. I narrow my eyes at him and then turn away. He disappears into the house but I'm not alone with my thoughts for very long before the large tv screen in front of me begins to trill. I huff out an annoyed breath and it takes way too much energy but I manage to pull myself up into a seated position. He's obviously not going to give up until he gets a response. "Computer, open the transmission." The call takes a second but soon it's depicting a clear picture of Skoodge in his usual space. He looks shocked that I even answered and we're just looking at each other for a few moments until he starts to speak.
"I… I-I'm really really sorry, Zim. I didn't mean for any of this to happen! I had no idea how incredibly fragile humans could be! I mean, I know you told me but I didn't know it was that bad and he was so insistent, he was absolutely sure he wanted to go help you!" He starts speaking rapidly and I'm just watching him throw all these excuses out there. "And he was right! He was right about what he thought they were doing and I wanted to help you, too and I'm sorry but I… I'm terrified of the Tallests and I should have just gone to help you myself but I really don't know what I was thinking- I thought that-"
"Skoodge, stop it." I finally interrupted his long winded monologue. He immediately cuts himself off and we're just looking at each other again and I take a breath. "This was my fault." I say quietly, averting my eyes.
"It… Huh?"
"I did this. And… I blamed you but… I did this."
"No you didn't, you were right, you did tell me and I didn't listen. I should have figured out another way to help you, I should have left him out of it."
"It doesn't even matter anymore." I say back, staring past him at the same blank white wall.
"What do you mean by that? Where is he?"
"He's in the hospital."
"Hospital?"
"It's an earth facility. Where they repair humans."
"Oh…" He says quietly, looking down at his hands. "Are you sure there's… nothing I can do to help?"
"The humans have it taken care of." I reply monotonously.
"Okay… Well… What about you?" He asks and I meet his gaze.
"What about me?"
"Do you need anything?" He asks but I don't respond. "I know I went about it the wrong way but my intentions are still the same… I just wanted you to be okay. We both did. So if there's anything I can do, if you need me to send you anything. Any more numbing and repair gel for your back? Elkove thandestil solution-"
"You have that?" I ask, an antenna perking. My chest feels extremely heavy making it feel as though I can't catch my breath and the room seems to shrink around me a bit but I try to shake the feeling away.
"Yes, I have plenty of resources, I can go to PAK repair right now and I'll send you anything you need." I just look at him for a few seconds because I'm not exactly sure I want him or anyone to know the extent of my own injuries. But at this point… It's clearly my only option. The self preservation finally kicks in and I sigh. It takes a lot of energy but I extend my PAK monitor which displays my vitals and Skoodge goes visibly pale.
"Zim… You…" He doesn't seem to really know what to say and I don't either. Not only is the four percent life source pitiful, it's terrifying. But I don't even feel it in me to be sufficiently afraid. Zim just feels… tired. It's clear that my PAK is desperately trying to pull me under so it can attempt repairs but what difference would it really make? Even my energy bank is at the lowest it's ever been… I didn't really think about what I was doing on the ship. All I wanted to do was keep Dib-Thing alive long enough to get him back. I even disconnected the transmitter from him almost a full 24 hours before our arrival on earth just to be sure I'd make it here with him. But then I spent all those days in the hospital with him and I haven't done much else. "The Tallests-"
"Don't ask how it happened."
"Okay but I'm definitely sending whatever I can. I'll send it express and with clear instructions for use, and you need to start using it right away. How are you even talking to me right now?! At this point, from what I know, your organs should be-" He cuts himself off quickly and I don't even bother to press for more information. "It's not important… It… It doesn't matter, okay? You're going to be fine." He says but I know that he knows, that isn't necessarily true. Under ten percent is a gray area. There's no absolutes. The PAK could just decide to shutdown or it can work overtime to fix itself. It's a fifty-fifty chance. "I'll… I'm going to send someone there to-"
"Don't send anyone here. I don't want to deal with anybody. I barely even want to talk to you. Just send me the necessary medical supplies."
"But Tenn specializes in PAK repairs, she can help you-"
"No." I interject and he sighs.
"Will you at least check in with me?"
"If I feel like it. Are we done here?"
"Well no… I still… is it at all possible for Dib to check in with me?" He asks and just thinking of him again pains my chest and I look down at the floor.
"No there isn't." I say back without looking up. "If he hasn't answered any calls from you, assuming you've tried, then I cannot help you."
"You aren't going to be seeing him?" He asks, surprise coating his words and I huff out a breath. The floor starts to look far away even though I'm standing still and my headache is growing so intense, I can barely process my thoughts. "Why-"
"If you want to see him so badly, you can come here yourself. I'm not going to see him anymore."
"But… I'm not understanding…"
"That's because you're just as thick headed as he is." I hiss back but when I look up at him again he isn't phased at all. I guess he never really is.
"He said… I… I thought you two were…"
"Thought we were what?" I ask, squinting at him. He shifts uncomfortably, glancing around the room. Even in this horrible state, I feel my face start to burn. We go back to tense eye contact but he still doesn't offer up any more information. "He told you."
"He…"
"He told you and you know." I say back.
"He didn't tell me that much-"
"Don't patronize me."
"I'm not! I'm being honest. I… I don't even really understand it that much but… If what he said is the case -and it seems so since you haven't exactly denied it- why are you avoiding him?"
"Zim doesn't have to answer any of your questions. This isn't any of your business, you weren't even supposed to befriend him!"
"You don't have to get defensive-"
"I'm not BEING defensive!" I shout back and it hurts all over. The outburst just hangs in the silence for a while and I can tell Skoodge is choosing his words carefully.
"You don't have to do that."
"Do what!?"
"You don't have to- to take him away from yourself…"
"You have no idea what you're talking about. You just said so yourself. Don't try to talk to Zim about things you don't even know the first thing about!"
"If you're the dating-"
"We're not dating!" I yell and he rolls his eyes, huffing out an irritated breath.
"You care about him." He says and suddenly I'm not standing as tall. I curl into myself slightly, looking to the floor. Then the silence draws on and he doesn't press me to speak. I don't even want to be on the phone anymore, I just need him to send me whatever supplies he has and then leave me alone. I'm supposed to be alone. He isn't supposed to be trying to help me. Tak wasn't supposed to help me. Dib wasn't supposed to help me. In all honesty, Zim should have pressed the button centuries ago. "There's nothing wrong with that… Why are you punishing yourself?" He continues and I scoff. "It's okay to care about someone."
"…We both know that that isn't true."
"According to who?!" He asks, incredulous. "The Tallests?! Do you still believe anything they say?!"
"I'm… I am loyal to the Tallests and the Irken Empire."
"Still?!"
"I… I made a mistake…" I say back and his eyes widen.
"Which of your actions was a mistake, Zim?" He asks and I shake my head just trying to clear my thoughts but even I don't know what I'm thinking anymore.
"I… I don't know… I just need to think!"
"Zim… Our people… The Irken Empire is extremely messed up. It's corrupt from the ground up. All we've ever done is torture, murder, pillage and suffer. All we've done is make enemies out of everyone we have ever come across and devastate entire populations-"
"That's a good thing!"
"No! No it's not! How could it be when Irkens like us still end up discarded?! If they had their way, you and I wouldn't even be here! This empire is not worth it. The Tallests aren't worth it, but you… You found something that is worth it. Don't let the Tallests take that away from you, too."
My head is spinning now and I can't focus on any single thought going through my mind. I don't want to talk anymore. I don't even want to think.
"Just send my supplies." I say back.
"I already did." He says immediately, holding up his wrist communicator.
"Then I'm ending this call."
"Okay." He sighs. "That doesn't mean I'm not going to call you later."
"Zim doesn't need any reminders about how annoying you are." I reply blandly. He doesn't get to say anything else before I hang up and the house is sitting in silence again. Even though it feels like the pain is subsiding, I know that's not a good sign. I haven't done anything to warrant that so it's entirely possible that whatever Skoodge is having delivered will be pointless.
Every decision I have made leading up to this is in question right now. I'm not even sure how far back it goes that I started doing the wrong things. It was definitely the right thing to do to go back to Irk. It was what the Tallests wanted so it was right… But it also felt right to want the human to go with me… Now, both of those decisions appear to have been incorrect. And if my PAK abruptly shuts down, then using the transmitter would also have been a poor decision on my part.
It's obvious that the empire isn't interested in giving me any more chances. How can one individual be trained and retrained as much as I have and still be unable to get it right?! How could my existence turn out to be so purposeless? There just isn't any reason at all for me to be here yet my PAK is still fighting to keep me around. My defective PAK with all the terrible coding and mistakes hardwired into it… The same one that helped me protect Dib from a rather untimely end. The one that's holding onto me just like it did for him. For a PAK with so many… defects… It's working hard- like self preservation is its top priority.
I don't bother to open my eyes and check my wrist communicator when it starts to ring. I'm not even sure I could lift my head at the moment if I wanted to. As soon as the trilling stops, it starts right back up and I could take a wild guess as to who it probably is.
My Tallest, Zim forgot all about what all my research showed me about these human romancey relationships. Granted, breaking up was never part of my plan. To be quite honest, neither was being together, but breaking up? Well… breaking up sucks. I always assumed humans were just overly dramatic, feely little worms and I had no sympathy for their annoying reactions to breakups. I also thought heartbreak was idiotic. How could a vital human muscle experience injury just because of a failed romance? That's another reason I assumed I'd be fine. I don't have a heart for anyone to break. But I guess that saying is to be taken more figuratively as opposed to the literal sense I always believed it to be.
Then again, who knows? Maybe it's just my terrible state at the moment.
Why is it that Zim has nothing and no one besides the one person I'm a danger to? There's just no way around that. Not even everything they've been treating in the hospital is a result of his interaction with the Tallests. Some of it was a direct result of his interacting with me. The one person who's ever actually chosen to be around me and I can't figure out how to protect him.
I don't know how to be what I should be because I don't know exactly what I'm supposed to be.
Scientist?
Soldier?
Invader?
Enemy?
Friend?
Love interest?
Maybe… It's time for me to shift my attention. I've always been focused on doing what I thought I wanted to do just because I knew I was supposed to want it. I was made to be an invader. I was made to please the Tallests. And I thought I wanted to but why did I want that? And do I still want it…? If the Tallests were happy with Zim right now… would that really make me feel fulfilled?
No…
But if that's not my purpose, then what is? What am I supposed to be doing?
As exhausted as I am, I didn't think I had it in me but even with my eyes closed I can feel the sting under my eyelids before it starts to fall down my face.
I can't go back to Irk. Irk was supposed to be my home and now, just like that, it's not anymore. The Tallests don't want to be my Tallests anymore. There's no way to gain their approval. There's no retraining. There's no new planet reassignment in the cards for me. Zim is just floating in this enormous nothingness with absolutely no direction. I could keep trying to get back into their good graces, just like I always have… But that would be at the risk of being deactivated the first chance they get. The Tallests have a habit of taking Zim's trust for granted…
Dib-Thing would never do that… But that doesn't matter. I have to sever ties because next time, who says I'll be able to even bring him back? We aren't compatible and I'd undoubtedly be the actual death of him if I didn't leave him alone when I did… Although it can't hurt to just think about him…
I really thought I was happy just following orders from the Tallests. It felt like I was happy doing anything they asked me to, but with the human it was a different kind of happiness. A distracting kind, yes, but something else. A calming kind. A more natural kind of feeling that was brand new to me. Just… right. Even though Zim knows it's wrong… I think. I don't really know much of anything for certain anymore.
All Zim can say for sure is that I've done the absolute WRONG thing…