Summary: Flashback to when Dib first tried to tell Zim how he feels about him. Hint- it went terribly.
Notes: Howdy everyone ! ! ^_^ ^_^ Tonight, I'm posting another one of my favorite chapters :D! ! This chapter is a flashback that has been referenced so many times throughout the story ! ! Remember after graduation, at the outlook XP? This is the situation Zim and Dib were hinting at . This happened junior year of high school . We already know why Zim was upset but this happened before he told Dib what was going on . This flashback is written from Dib's perspective . Trigger warning for fighting, arguing, blood, and implied self harm discussion. The title of this chapter, just like chapter 31, comes from the song Homicide Love by James Arthur ! ! This time, because this specific line represents how Dib is feeling at this moment . Dude is in love and ready to grow caution to the wind haha XD XD I truly love this chapter because this flashback emphasizes how far these two have come since this . Without further ado ! ! Please enjoy this update ! ! Any comments will be so incredibly appreciated ! !
Kill Me Slow With Your Love
I'm not sure how long I've been laying in bed just staring at the ceiling. It's sometime after 7:00pm when I hear Gaz speaking in my doorway.
"You do know the Mysterious Mysteries Friday night lineup is on now, right?" She asks and I sigh.
"Whatever." I say back and she's quiet for a moment.
"Dad just left for his night shift. He told me to put your food away."
"You didn't have to. I'm not going to eat it." I reply without looking in her direction.
"Look, I didn't tell him that. But I will if that plate isn't gone by the time I go to bed."
"I ate at school."
"I was there and no you didn't."
"Okay fine! Just leave me alone!" I exclaim.
"Would you just tell me what happened today?! Why are you so moody?!" She asks in exasperation. I sit straight up and turn to her but we just stare at each other. "Is it Zim?"
Even though I don't respond, that's enough of an answer in itself. Of course it's Zim. It's literally always Zim.
"Listen, it's Friday. You get a break from the whole situation for two days. Don't spend it sulking." She says and she's right but also, how could I not? As much as I need the space, as much as I clearly need to be away from him for a little while, just to feel like I can reset, I don't want to. I miss him and I just saw him! Friday's are always the worst because we have almost every class together and I enjoy it way too much just to get home and typically have to go completely cold turkey until Monday. And that's only if he decides to come to school on Monday, which he generally doesn't.
"You're right… I'm sorry I'm just-"
"Love sick and hangry?" She offers and I glare at her. "Just suck it up and come watch your boring show."
"Alright, alright. I'm coming." I huff and she pushes away from the doorframe. I hear her heading downstairs but still don't move to get off my bed. Instead, I turn over onto my stomach and bury my face into my pillow. If I could simply lay here for the next 48 hours, I would. But something tells me Gaz would not be okay with that.
My thoughts are drifting towards a history paper I should probably start for school when I hear a weird noise. I pop my head up and look at the doorway but Gaz isn't there so I look around my room and my gaze lands on the window. I sit up and stare at it closely for a moment, wondering why it's so dark that I can't see anything. Not any stars or even shadows of the trees. Suddenly it slides up and I just about jump out of my skin as Zim climbs into my bedroom.
"Zim, what the hell are you doing?!" I ask, trying to steady my breathing.
"I need to talk to you." He says, dusting off his clothes. I'm getting my breathing under control just for it to try and go haywire at just the sight of him. And of all places, he's standing in my bedroom. I've definitely imagined him being here before and those thoughts have the audacity to cross my mind now…
"It- it can wait until Monday. You need to leave." I stutter out, averting my gaze. He scoffs and starts walking over to me and I jump up from my bed, backing up. "Seriously, can you like, not be here right now?"
"What?! This is exactly why Zim is here. I've been trying to figure it out for a while but it eludes me and I figured I could get the best answer straight from the source."
"Zim, I don't know what you're talking about. Can you leave?" I ask, feeling my hands start to shake and my breaths become shallow.
"Dib?" I hear Gaz call from downstairs and I jump.
"I'm on my way down!" I call out before I move to close my bedroom door as quietly as possible as Zim's disguise fades away and he blinks a few times. I really wasn't expecting to have to deal with any butterflies this weekend. I need so much preparation before I see him. This unplanned, unannounced, impromptu visit is completely throwing me off. It's so much easier to behave properly when we're in an educational environment or even when we're outside -in public- but he's standing in my bedroom right now.
"You want me to leave?" He asks and I swallow.
"Yes." I respond and he just stares at me. "I've got plans with my sister. I'll see you on Monday."
"I'll leave, but you have to tell me what your problem is first." He says.
"What?"
"Why have you been acting so weird?"
"Weird how?" I ask as my face grows warm.
"You're sporadic! You're so back and forth! One moment it seems like you're fine and then the next, you're shaking and freaking out and don't want to talk to me at all. Are you still… I don't know. I thought we both came to terms with our respective roles? Have you changed your mind?"
"No! No… I haven't, it's just that…"
"Then what's the issue?" He prods and I sigh.
"Nothing, it's just that I… I have anxiety."
"You've alwayshad anxiety."
"It's not just that…" I find myself saying and I'm not even sure why. I shouldn't have said that and I'm trying to figure out how to backtrack. I need to get far away from a conversation I am nowhere near ready to have.
"Then what else is it?!" He asks angrily, tapping a food and crossing his arms. I don't answer though. "If you want me to leave so badly, just answer the question and I will." He continues and I spare a momentary glance his way before my gaze is fixed on the carpeting.
"It's not that I want you to leave…" I mumble feeling this weird prickly sense of hope. It's like I want to tell him, I want to be honest with him. But there's another part of me that's terrified and has me backpedaling in an instant.
"Dib-Worm, you literally just said-"
"I meant I don't wantyou to leave, it's just that I have plans and this is a bad time…"
"You're lying." He says simply.
"No I'm not."
"Zim has learned how to tell when you are being dishonest."
"Can we please just drop it? Please? I'll stop acting weird, I promise things will be normal on Monday." I say back but he narrows his eyes at me, antennae flattening against the back of his head. And I know that look. It means I need to proceed with serious caution because his already short fuse is about to blow. But… There are so many conflicting emotions because of the way my heart flips at the sight. In the dim lighting his eyes just look so… "Seriously, you're crossing so many lines right now."
"What lines?!" He asks, incredulous. "When have you and I ever drawn any of these metaphorical lines?! What changed?!"
"What didn't, Zim?! Name one thing that hasn't changed!"
"That's… that's not what I'm talking about."
"Yeah but I'm talking about it because we never did! Sometimes I just feel confused by this. Have you really never thought about how our interactions are so different now?"
"I- why are you even bringing this up? You're acting differently because of this?"
"Yes! Well no… It's… I can barely pinpoint when we even became friends."
"We're not friends."
"I know you keep saying that, but what else could we be?"
"We're not we! Zim is me and you're you and sometimes we speak but that's it."
"Is it really?" I ask, raising an eyebrow at all the effort he's putting into pretending we're the same as we've always been.
"Yes! You don't have to make it weird!"
"I don't have to make anything weird! It's already weird! You're standing in the middle of my bedroom floor asking me- I don't even know what!" I exclaim and he rolls his eyes. "It's- I- our new normal! It makes me feel… weird sometimes…"
"Weird how? You should be grateful to even be on considerably good terms with Zim, when I rule this planet, I may spare you the horrible and extensive death I originally had planned for you." I just stare at him for a few seconds. He's already told me that doesn't hear from the Tallests anymore. He doesn't hear from anyone but he still feels it's his responsibility to wait for them here. I remember the one time I've ever tried to broach the subject with him. I slightly implied that they probably weren't going to come and he went bat shit on me. I think that's the last time we even physically fought! He can't stand the idea that his leaders abandoned him, that he's been banished or forgotten about. He made it very very clear that we don't discuss Irk or his leaders. So I decided I can placate him. If it makes him feel better to wait for them, fine by me. As long as he isn't trying to destroy everyone at the moment, my life has been made that much easier. It does hurt my heart knowing that he genuinely believes his leaders are coming and that the work he's doing means something but I won't shatter that belief. I already know that all these years have gone by and the Tallests aren't any more interested in earth than they were the day Zim found out they weren't planning to come here to begin with.
"I guess it's just… we don't really fight anymore and I mean… I used to really hate you and now I don't and I know you want me to think you hate me-"
"I do."
"You have to see how that doesn't make any sense, though, right?" I ask.
"Why not?!"
"Because you insist that you hate me and we're not friends but we do everything together. People in school literally call us best friends because if we can be together, at any time then we are. In class, at lunch, after school-"
"So?!"
"So that's not consistent with saying you hate someone, Zim. We don't act like we hate each other anymore and I've told you multiple times that I don't hate you."
"You should! The fact that you don't means this is all your fault!"
"I didn't change our dynamic all on my own!"
"It's not changed!"
"Yes it is, Zim! We don't even have fights anymore!" I exclaim and he growls at me.
"You want to fight so bad, fine." He hisses, shoving me backwards and I barely manage to catch my footing before his hands are on my shoulders, shoving me again.
"Stop it!" I protest, trying to catch his hands and back away but he follows, still antagonizing me.
"Why, Dib?! This is what you want, isn't it?! Fight me!"
"It's not what I want!" I say back as he shoves me up against the bedroom door, grabbing a fistful of my shirt collar. His nails scrape against my chest and I wince at the sting they leave behind.
"Hit me, Dib! Hit me!" He insists, shoving my forehead back so my head hits the door repeatedly.
"I don't want to hit you!" I exclaim and he rolls his eyes, yanking me from the door and throwing me forward. Unfortunately this time, I can't catch myself and I wind up on the floor, feeling around for my glasses right after. The second I get them back onto my face, I hear the sound of metal slicing through the air and a PAK leg connects with the floor right next to my face. He removes it and it comes right back, only it's coming directly at me this time and I'm able to catch it before he stabs me. "Zim, are you losing your mind?!" I yell and he retracts the dagger so quickly, it slices my hand. Jeez, what is wrong with me? Five billion people on the planet and I pick the only aggressive, violent, alien to develop feelings for. It's got to be self sabotage at this point. I'm watching the blood start to pool in the palm of my right hand when he towers over me, leaning down to yank me up by my shirt and then pinning me to the back wall, knocking some shelves off the wall that loudly clatter to the floor. They knock over the lamp I had on and the bulb bursts, throwing us into total darkness. There's no floor under me as he's just got me dangling there and is holding the both of us up through metal legs, his red eyes glowing threateningly in the darkness surrounding us.
"You haven't hit me back once!" He complains.
"I don't want to!"
"Yes you do! Just be normal! I need things to go back to normal!"
"Okay, okay! Whatever you want, just put me down!"
"Whatever I want?! I want things to stop changing! This is the last thing Zim has, this can't change too!"
"What do you mean? What else is changing for you?" I ask but he looks off to the side.
"I just need you to fight with me." He says, much quieter than this entire conversation has gone. "If you fight with me, it means all of this is still real…" He continues. His PAK legs slowly retreat until we're both standing on the floor. He releases my shirt but keeps his gaze on the floor.
"I… I can't…" I whisper and his expression looks even more pained, if that's even possible.
"Why is everything messed up?" He sighs and now it's my turn to watch the floor. "Do you no longer find Zim to be a formidable enemy?" He asks and I turn back to look at him. He meets my gaze and it actually pains my heart. Every time I see him, every time I hear his voice, every time we're standing this close together it just reminds me of how badly I want something I could never possibly have, let alone ask for. I've never heard him speak romantically about anyone or anything. And I've always agreed with him that all the annoying couples stealing kisses in the hallways and staircases were gross. I can't pinpoint the moment I started wanting to be one of them.
"That's not it, Zim…" I say back and he's just staring at me but I don't know what else to say. He's only a few inches away from me and I can tell because of the way his eyes sparkle against all the blackness. He still doesn't make a move to leave but I don't try and put any distance between us as I watch his gaze turn pensive. Maybe this is just something I need to do. I need to get this out of my system, off of my chest. Even if he laughs in my face, I'll know where we stand and I can just move on. But I can't shake this little feeling, a minuscule thorn that constantly makes its presence known, trying to convince me that he's a possibility. That we're a possibility. I understand what it's like to be so incredibly different from all of your peers. I know how it feels to be lonely every second of every day. I know exactly how it tears you down to live in your head even though there's nothing there but more self deprecation, doubt, and despair. I just need him to see that we can be good for each other. We already have been, even if he can't admit to that. This can't all just be in my mind. There has to be a reason he always wants to be with me just as much as I, him. A reason he's even allowed me this close to him. Why else would I be the only person in his life made of flesh and bone? I'm not just another machine for him to order around and maintain, but he wants me to be around. And… I don't think I can do this for another year. An entire year of spending time with him while trying to push down all these new feelings, has been exhausting. I always have to second guess everything I do and say and make sure it's not hinting at all the things I'm really feeling. When we talk, I have to make sure my eyes don't linger too long. Always pretending to be okay with him missing school when all I want is to know why and where he is and if he's okay. Hanging out at his house, occasionally sleeping over, and pretending I didn't fall asleep thinking about him in ways he probably wouldn't even be able to understand. No. Another year of this would successfully kill whatever sliver of happiness I still have left within me. "I'll tell you." I say quietly. He blinks up at me and I meet his gaze. "I'll tell you the truth."
"I'm listening." He says back and I inhale slowly.
"I can't just fight you anymore, Zim. It hurts…" I start, barely above a whisper. He tilts his head to the side in confusion.
"That's the point, though. It's supposed to hurt. We're literally supposed to hurt each other." He insists and I sigh.
"Why?" I ask and he squints at me.
"Because it's who we are? Zim doesn't know but it's just what we are supposed to do." He shrugs while I'm shaking my head. "Listen, I am okay with these new developments in how we interact but why does it mean that we can't fight anymore? It's like you don't even care what I do anymore-"
"Yes I do. I don't have to hit you and hurt you to show that I care." I reply and he rolls his eyes. "When I was doing that, when I still hated you, yeah I did those things because I cared but that was when I cared in a bad way. That's not how I feel about you anymore."
"There's no difference. Caring is caring and that's clearly how you do it, Earthworm." He says back, clearly starting to lose his patience and I don't blame him. Fox trotting around this is incredibly annoying.
"No. The difference is that…" I start and inwardly scold myself for giving up on the sentence yet again. "It's that I care about you in the way that I want to do the opposite. Like… protect you." I cast my eyes back to the floor even though I can't actually see it.
"I don't need-"
"I never said you did! I'm explaining how my feelings changed and that's one way. When I care about people the way I care about you, I want to protect them. I want to make sure they're happy and I never want to see them in any pain, especially not caused by me. I want to do all the things we've been doing. Spending time together, making each other laugh, telling each other stories, exploring, studying-" He starts to try and interject but I can't stop now or I'll never say it. "I WANT" I cut him off. "I want… to hold your hand…" I say, looking up again, into his eyes. Those large, otherworldly, perfect eyes. "I want to pick you up and take you to school, and walk you to your house after. I want to hold you and… I want to do things that friends and especially enemies don't do." You would think that whole explanation would be enough and as agonizing as it's been to put my heart through a ringer he just looks confused.
"…Why?" He asks cautiously but I don't say anything. "Why?" He asks more forcefully.
"I don't know."
"STOP lying to me!" He yells, shoving me backwards again but we're already as back against the wall as we can be and I still can't find anymore words. He grabs me up but the collar again and shakes me. "Start making sense Dibromide or Zim will tear into you and rip your vocal cords out myself!" He shouts. He's spewing threat after threat at me but I stop hearing them as adrenaline starts rushing through me. My skin prickles with numbness and I'm just shaking my head until he reaches one of his hands towards my throat. It's abrupt but I finally, unceremoniously prove that I must truly have lost my sanity, by bringing both my hands up to his face and moving to kiss him.
Why? I have absolutely no idea. I can't believe I just did that and I immediately live to regret that impulsive decision. We barely even graze each other before he's recoiling so hard, I'm surprised he doesn't break his neck or something.
"Ouch! What the hell are you doing?!" He exclaims, holding me away with one hand and wiping his face off with the other. At that moment I mentally facepalm myself for having completely forgotten that my hand is literally bleeding! I just burned the life out of his face! "Why would you do that?! What's wrong with you?!"
"I'm sorry, I- I forgot-"
"You think I'm talking about your gross, leaky hand?! Why would you ever even think you could do that to me?!"
"I'm sorry about that too, I just-"
"Then why did you do it?! I would never see you like that, I would never see anyone like that! You all think I'm some outsider, some reject! I am an Irken Invader! Stop trying to change that!"
"I'm not trying to change anything!"
"Then stop treating me as you would some inferior human who would even dare to develop feelings as disgusting as those!"
"Alright Zim! I said I'm sorry, okay?! What do you want me to do?! It's not just something I can control! I'm not like you!"
"Obviously! I am nothing like you humans! I am superior! I am taking earth for myself no matter what any of you have to say about me!"
"Wait a minute-"
"I am Irks finest invader! I am Zim and I am not a def-" He cuts himself off then and finally lets go of my shirt, backing away from me. I see him more clearly once the dim moonlight hits him as he stands in front of the window.
"I… I just wanted to be honest with you. I didn't mean to upset you."
"Well you did."
"I'm really sorry."
"You just took the only thing Zim had left and destroyed it." The one thing? What is he talking about?
"I-"
"I hate you…"
"Don't say that-"
"I do. I hate you and the next time you so much as look in my direction, I'll kill you. I really will." He growls. He's about to climb out of the window now and I feel all these tears streaming down my face watching him go.
"Do it now!" I blurt out. He freezes, one leg out the window. "You hate me right?! You hate me so much but I guarantee you, I hate me more! So just do it! Please! It'll be the most merciful thing you have ever done for me." I plead, aware of the fact that I'm now full-on sobbing. He stares at me thoughtfully for a moment before speaking again.
"Stay away from me." He hisses. Then he disappears back out the window. I'm standing in silence for a long time, alone in the dark, frozen. I'm trying to convince myself that that entire thing just happened but I just can't believe it. Nothing feels real right now and I can't even begin to process the situation. The first thought that makes any sense to me within the jumbled mess of words blaring in my mind is that I lost him.
Fresh tears sting my eyes until I can't see the window anymore and I walk over to my bed, deciding to sit on the floor and lean my back against it. What is wrong with me? How could I be so selfish to expect him to just be something he isn't? He needed someone and I just made it impossible for me to be that person, now he has no one again. Because I can never just be happy with what I have. I always have to want more, I always have to want things that I don't deserve, things that would never be meant for me.
A knock on my door startles me from my thoughts and I start trying to wipe at my face. I don't say anything in response so of course the door opens a few seconds later. The hallway light streams into the room and Gaz spots me on the floor. She looks annoyed until she gets a good look at me and then her eyes widen as she walks over to me, kneeling down.
"What did you do!? What did you do, Dib!?" She asks, grabbing for my arms and turning them over.
"I didn't do anything!" I exclaim as she continues to examine both my wrists.
"Then what's with all the blood?!" She asks and I wince as she continues to observe my arms. She notices and slowly picks up my right hand, looking at the palm side. "What happened!?" She asks but I just shake my head. "Okay… Okay, this is bleeding a lot. Stay here." She instructs, rising and leaving the room quickly. I look back down at my hand and she's right. I hadn't even noticed how extensive the cut was until now. When Gaz comes back into the room, she has paper towels with her and begins unraveling some off the roll. "Hold this in your hand, we can't do anything until you stop the bleeding." She instructs, sitting down across from me. I take the napkins and press them into my palm and only then do I realize just how much pain I'm in. I'm focused on my hand but after a few silent moments, I make the mistake of making eye contact with her and she's watching me expectantly.
"You still think I did this on purpose!?" I ask with indignation.
"Yeah and I will, until you tell me what happened." She says back but I just look away. "Okay," she sighs. "I'm calling dad."
"Don't! He'll overreact!"
"It's better than under-reacting! How long were you planning to sit here and bleed? What happened?" She asks again and I groan.
"You're so annoying, why can't you ever just leave me alone?!"
"Because contrary to what you might think, you don't want to be alone!"
"Yes I do! Because if I'm alone at least I know what to expect! There's no one around to confuse me or hurt me or leave me! If I'm alone, there won't be anything else for me to screw up." I sigh, focusing on the small portion of the floor being illuminated by the hallway light. "I messed up. Badly. Like I always do because I can never just be what anyone needs me to be."
"But you aren't supposed to be trying to be what anyone needs but you."
"Yeah but I'm not even good for myself. The one time I get something halfway decent in my life and I immediately fuck it up." I say back and we just sit in silence for a while. For the most part, my hand has stopped bleeding. It still hurts but it's a welcome feeling because it's keeping me grounded. "Zim hates me." My eyes sting on the declaration.
"What?" She scoffs. "No he doesn't."
"He absolutely does. And I don't blame him."
"Wait…" she says thoughtfully, glancing around the room. She looks towards the window and then back at me, eyebrows knitting together.
"Yeah, he was here."
"So he cut you."
"No! Well… kind of but not really… We had this huge argument because I told him."
"Wait… told him, told him? As in like… the big secret?" She asks and I nod. "Oh… well… Um…"
"You don't have to say anything. I guess I'm just explaining what exactly happened. I made him really upset and…" I shake my head, blinking rapidly to prevent any more tears from escaping. I probably already look like a complete pathetic mess and I don't want to add to that. "We were finally friends and I messed it up."
"I don't understand how that could have escalated to this."
"Then you don't know Zim at all." I say back. "He doesn't feel that way about me and it all just blew up in my face." Of course he doesn't have feelings for me. Why would he? Or anyone for that matter?
"That's bullshit."
"Gaz."
"I'm sorry, but it is. I don't believe for one second-"
"He literally just threatened to kill me- he wants nothing to do with me anymore." I interject and she sighs.
"I legit sit at the lunch table with the two of you everyday and I'm just saying from an outside perspective, that doesn't seem to be the case." She says but I don't respond. We're sitting in silence like we often do when she feels like it's necessary. I can tell the difference between her hanging out with me and her staying close by to watch me. To be honest, I know that it's difficult being around me when I get this way and I feel bad because it's undoubtedly putting a lot of pressure on her but at the same time, it's comforting and I need it. She'll sit with me quietly and if I decide to talk, she'll listen and talk with me. If not, her presence is enough. Eventually though, the negative thoughts outweigh the comforting ones and as nice as it is that she's trying to be comforting, I start to feel selfish for completely souring her Friday evening. She should be enjoying herself, not attempting to fix me.
"I guess I should… Go get cleaned up."
"Right…" she says back and then hesitates for a second. "You know… If he really is being honest with you, then at least you know for sure. I know it's not ideal but you can move on from this now that there won't be anymore what-if's floating around. You were brave for finally telling him, his not being able to handle it is not your fault."
"Thank-"
"But! That's the worst case scenario. There's still the very real possibility that maybe he was just overwhelmed. I mean I know this is probably really new to him and… maybe now, with you having helped him understand the shift in your dynamic a little better, he'll consider his own feelings."
"Bold of you to assume he has any at all." I retort and she rolls her eyes.
"Don't do that. You know he does. And if he does like you in that way, then those are new feelings that are probably really hard to process. Give him some space to consider all of this on his own and then you'll know for sure." She says and I nod, really taking her words into consideration. Everything that led me to this point couldn't have all been in my head. Even Gaz saw it. So maybe she's right. Maybe there's still just a microscopic glimmer of hope that he can reciprocate my feelings. And maybe there's still a minuscule chance that he will both acknowledge and accept them. It's a long shot but at this moment, sitting in the dark on my bedroom floor, I need to cling to that thought.
"Thank you. I really appreciate that. And thanks for sitting with me."
"Ugh, don't get sappy or I'll charge you 200 bucks for the session."
"200?! Don't I get a friends and family discount?"
"That is the discount. My time is very valuable." She says back, standing up and stretching her arms. "Go get cleaned up. I'll wait downstairs."
"You still want to watch tv with me?"
"I can stomach a few episodes. Hurry up before I change my mind." She replies, walking out of the room and I hear her steps fading on the staircase. I actually do feel halfway decent enough to continue my Friday night. She's right. Worst case scenario, I don't have to keep that secret anymore. Best? I put the ball in Zim's court.
I finally get up from the floor and head for the bathroom, pulling my bedroom door shut behind me.