Chapter 46 - You're not my dad

"You'll call as soon as you get home?"

"Yeah, Jon gave me the number for your first stop."

"And you'll come over as soon as we get back?"

"Shawn, you weren't even this sad to say good bye to Cory."

"I'm just really gonna miss you."

Ashley pulled Shawn into a tight hug. "You enjoy the time with Jon."

Shawn nodded, and Ashley turned to Jon. She pulled him into a hug as well, her arms gentler than they were for Shawn but her fingers digging into his back. Jon was almost thankful Shawn had said what he'd said—it saved Jon having to make a fool of himself.

"See you soon," she said, and she pulled back enough to stand on tiptoe and press a quick kiss to his lips.

Jon watched Ashley go, dragging her suitcase behind her toward the opposite end of the airport. He was snapped out of his trance by a dull blow to his arm.

"Ow!"

"You didn't even tell me?" Shawn cried. "I've been trying to get you guys together for months!"

"We kissed on the sailboat. It's not that big a deal."

"Jo-on!"

Jon chuckled. "Come on. We're gonna miss our flight."

Shawn breathed in like he was going to say something, then he raised his hands, shaking his head, and followed Jon to their terminal.

"Where are we going for the last week?" he asked as they walked.

"Wales," Jon told him. "We're going backpacking."

"Backpacking?"

Jon nodded. "There's a foot trail that runs along the coast, mostly over the cliff tops. Passes by, ah, around 50 beaches and a hundred foot bridges."

"Sounds romantic. Sure you don't wanna get your girlfriend back here and send me back home instead?"

"I'm sure."

Shawn made a face. "Backpacking is kind of a lot of walking, isn't it?"

"I think you'll enjoy it." He smirked. "If I were you, I'd at least try. Summer's almost over, and you're not slacking off when you go back to school just 'cause it's your senior year."

Shawn scoffed, rolling his eyes. "You're not my dad."

Jon smiled to himself. The fact that Shawn could say the words with humor was comforting, somehow. It meant maybe Shawn was starting to heal.

If Jon was honest with himself, he hadn't chosen this particular excursion because he thought backpacking would be Shawn's favorite. Up to this point, the trip was for Shawn: days of hiking with a heavy load and staying in little hostels and inns along the way was definitely more Jon's speed. He'd chosen it because it would be a time to decompress after everything else. They could take as many breaks as they wanted. Shawn could journal, if he chose to. And he'd have ever opportunity to have a conversation with Jon, just the two of them.

Shawn slept through most of the long flight from Spain to Wales. Jon suspected he was getting tired of traveling; it was probably a good thing this trip was coming near an end. When they arrived, they took a bus ride to a little hostel near the start of the trail. This was the one leg of the journey that Jon had planned himself, without the help of his wealthier friends. The arrangements weren't expensive, and since both Ashley and Cory were home now, they didn't need extra rooms or a lot of space.

With Cory and Ashley both gone, it was a quiet evening. Jon settled down in bed with a book, and Shawn curled up with his journal, writing.

Jon didn't make it through more than a few pages of his book. He kept thinking about whether to try to start a conversation with Shawn. Was it better to let Shawn come to him? Jon was sure that, after all this time, Shawn knew that Jon was open to hearing from him about anything, but that didn't mean he would open up unprompted. Or would he be more likely to clam up if Jon pushed the issue? Jon wasn't even sure what was reasonable. He doubted Shawn would share any of his feelings about Virna, but the question of whether Shawn would consider being adopted was even harder to imagine bringing up—and yet, somehow, they had to talk about it.

"Hey, Jon?" Shawn asked, around the time Jon was thinking about turning off the lights.

Jon's heart jumped. This could be it. "Yeah?"

"Do you think my dad misses me?"

Jon slowly placed the bookmark into his book, closed it, and lowered it onto his lap. "I know I would," Jon said.

"You're not my dad."

Jon let his breath out. He didn't know what to say. For the millionth time in the last week, he wondered if he'd done the right thing, not telling Shawn about the court hearing to terminate Chet's parental rights. But he knew Shawn didn't really expect a response to his question, either. "You should get some sleep," Jon said.

Shawn nodded, and he set aside his journal. "Night, Jon."

"Night, Shawn," Jon said, and he flicked off the light.

It became clear after the first day that they weren't going to complete the trail in the week they had in Wales. They would have had to walk about a marathon a day. Jon might have been up to it, if he weren't still a little weak from the near drowning, but Shawn wasn't exactly an endurance athlete, accident or no accident. Jon figured they'd just make it as far as they could, and catch a ride to the airport on their last day. It meant his plans for sleeping arrangements would have to change a little, but to him, that was part of the adventure.

Shawn couldn't seem to tell the difference. He warmed up to the activity quickly, especially when Jon didn't push him to walk fast or limit his breaks. Shawn was the kind of person who could find fun and laughter and joy in anything. Even when he did it to mask the pain, it was one of Jon's favorite things about him.

On the first couple of days, Shawn chattered nonstop. He exclaimed about every cool footbridge and strange bird and pretty view they passed; he demanded Jon tell him the story of how he and Ashley had finally come together; he went on about things he'd done with Cory, mostly stories Jon had heard before. Jon was thankful to hear from him, even if it was overwhelming at times, but it was all superficial. Jon wondered if he was doing it on purpose—maybe he suspected Jon had taken him out here for a hard conversation.

By the third day, though, his chatter slowed, and by the fourth day, he'd stopped making conversation altogether. Jon had given up predicting his mood swings, but Shawn didn't seem to be upset. If anything, he seemed to be thinking. He had his journal out every time they sat down for a break, and he sometimes wrote for a long time. When he was ready to walk again, he'd put away the journal and look up at Jon expectantly, and they'd continue their trek.

Jon's anxiety rose as time ran out. He told himself that, if Shawn didn't bring anything up by the second to last day, Jon would start a conversation.

Then the second to last day came and went.

Then they were packing up and eating breakfast on the last day.

Heading off on their hike, quietly.

Shawn journaling on breaks.

Sitting down to lunch.

No matter how much Jon kicked himself in his mind, he couldn't get himself to say anything. Part of it was fear, but part of it was deeper than that, something in his gut that told him Shawn would speak when he wanted to. Even if it meant waiting until they got back home.

The two of them were sitting side by side on a bench overlooking the ocean mid-afternoon on their last day. Shawn jotted a last note in his journal and closed it up, and Jon started to stand, but Shawn said, "Hey, Jon?"

"Yeah, Shawn."

"What happens when we get back home?"

"Well, I've gotta prep for school, and you should—"

"That's not what I mean."

It was time. In this moment, Jon somehow felt both on edge and completely calm. "The courts need to make a plan for a permanent home for you, now that your father's rights have been terminated."

Jon waited for the reaction to that one, but Shawn didn't give one. Maybe Ashley had been right.

"Uh . . . I'm not licensed to adopt. I'm not sure if they'll license me, being a single man and all. But I'll talk to the licensing worker and see what she can do."

"Do you want that?" Shawn asked.

"To adopt you?"

"Yeah."

Nothing but total honesty would do. "Very much, Shawn. Do you want that?"

It was a long, heavy pause, but Shawn finally, said, softly, "How would it work?"

Jon blinked, and the words tangled at the tip of his tongue.

"Like, I wouldn't have to call you . . ."

"You could call me Jon. But legally, I'd be your father."

"Like on forms and stuff?"

"Yes."

"Would I get a new birth certificate?"

"I think that's how it works."

"Don't even have the old one." He pulled his knees into his chest, then suddenly let them go. "Wait. Do I have to change my last name?"

"Not if you don't want to."

"I don't."

"You don't have to." Jon might have suggested hyphenating as an option, but Hunter-Turner really didn't sound good.

Shawn frowned. "Do you think Ashley's gonna change her last name?"

"What do you mean?"

"When she marries you."

Jon's voice caught. "Shawn!"

"Come on, man, you know it's gonna happen."

A soft warmth filled Jon's insides. If they did break up, he wasn't going to be the one to do it. "She might." Ashley Turner. The thought sent chills down his spine.

"Do you think you'll marry her before the adoption goes through?" Shawn asked.

"Shawn, I don't even have a ring yet."

"Can I help you look?"

"No," Jon said, because he wasn't sure, and he could change his mind if he said no. Shawn would see a yes as a promise.

"Aw. Well, can I at least be your best man?"

"You'll have to fight Eli for that one." He knew he'd choose Shawn, assuming the adoption went through, but again, he didn't want to make any promises yet.

"So, like . . ." Shawn frowned. "If you adopt me, then you marry Ashley, does she become my mom?"

"Not sure that's automatic. She'd have to formally adopt you, too."

"Do you think she'd wanna . . ." He looked away.

"Yes, Shawn."

Shawn looked Jon in the eyes. He stared for a long moment. Then his eyes began to water.

Jon didn't pull his eyes away, and he didn't make a move to try to comfort him. When Shawn wanted comfort, he'd let Jon know.

Shawn just sniffed and rubbed at his eyes. "Dunno why I'm crying."

"It's okay."

"It's just . . . nice couples like you don't adopt kids like me. You could have your own kids."

"Maybe we will."

"Like, babies?"

"Yeah, maybe. Why? You want siblings?"

"I have half-siblings."

"You want whole-siblings?"

"I'd be a terrible older brother."

"You'd be a bad influence. But that's not the same thing."

Shawn smiled, just slightly, and leaned in a little. "So, what happens if you change your mind after you adopt me?"

"Shawn, I'm not going to leave you."

"But what if—"

"No. There's no what if. There's no nothin'. You hear me?"

Shawn stared at him a long moment before he finally said, "I know." He sighed. "You're not my dad."

Jon didn't know if his heart broke a little more, or started to heal. He slid in closer and wrapped an arm around Shawn. "Love you so much."

Shawn remained still for a moment, but then he let his head rest on Jon's shoulder.