Sasuke laid back in the bed. A few stairs and his head was reeling.
Hinata pulled the blanket up on him and wiped the last of the tears from her face. "Honestly, I might take a nap too, then start the whole day over. We missed breakfast with Naruto-sama coming."
Her side of the bed was empty and made. It gave him a thought that he said out loud. "Where are you sleeping?"
Hinata gestured out the door. "The couch."
"You're pregnant, and you're sleeping on the couch?" Sasuke tried to sit up, but with the rush of dizziness that hit him, he decidedly couldn't do that.
Hinata pushed him back down. "I can get a futon out. I just haven't been sleeping that much."
"That's worse." Sasuke reached forward, but all he caught was the end of her shirt. "It's our bed, use it. Or I am getting up."
Hinata took his hand. She chewed on her lip to think about it. Her face softened as she made a decision. "Alright, let me just…" She backed out of his grip to her side of the bed, pulled out a hair tie, and tied her hair back before she crawled into her side of the bed.
Sasuke watched her turn away from him, and he closed his eyes. His head was killing him.
Hinata laid turned away from him, still asleep. His head was just barely throbbing at this point, but he didn't want to wake her. How many nights had she been up worrying about him? Was he in her nightmares?
Sasuke hesitated before laying his arm over her hip over the blanket. This was how all his memories of her sleeping were. Most with much fewer clothes. He shifted closer and took in the scent of her hair, wondering if it would bring more throbbing to his head, but instead, his chest was filled with panic.
He could have pushed her away with his accusations, this woman who seemed to love him so sincerely. He would have been alone to figure it all out, he would never know his own child, and he would have no one to blame but himself once again.
Sasuke pushed his face into her shoulder and tightened his arm as the stifling weight of panic overwhelmed him. He squeezed his eyes shut, hoping he wouldn't wake her, but that hope was crushed as her arm came up to cover his. Hot tears ran out as clenched his fist in the blanket.
He wanted this awful feeling to stop happening. Did they ever stop happening?
Hinata gripped his arm and stayed quiet as he crumbled.
Sasuke stared at the breakfast Hinata set in front of him. He was embarrassed, but he needed to work through all these emotions if they were going to get anywhere.
"How often… did these panic attacks happen?" Sasuke asked before touching his food.
"They have come and went." Hinata sat down. "They weren't affecting your work because you were always sort of 'on' while on missions, but the longer your missions got, and the longer you kept them at bay, the worse they were at home. That's what started the fight about your extreme missions. The more severe the situation, the easier it was for you to push it all away until you got home, but it was just building it up for later. It wasn't healthy, and I was worried."
So he was bringing all the pain he was trying to avoid home instead of just dealing with it himself. Why did she want this shit husband?
"The first time I saw it, we had just finished a mission and came back through Suna and had to stop because you couldn't keep going. I am not sure what set it off or if anything did, but I tried to help. It got better over the years. You were getting better at realizing it was happening early so you would be able to sit with it and calm down before it caught you off guard." Hinata closed her hand into a fist on the table. She didn't want to tell him what because it probably all had to do with her, didn't it?
Why didn't she use that to her advantage? If she wanted him to stay, wouldn't telling him that she was the comfort he clung to help her case?
In all these memories, he was thinking about her. How to get back to her, how to get closer to her, what she had to think about what he was doing. She was his crutch, wasn't she? Knowing him, he probably didn't even tell her.
But that didn't mean she didn't know.
Sasuke reached across the table and slid his fingers over her white knuckles. Hinata released the tension and opened her hand to him. He closed his hand around hers.
Hinata stared at their hands for a long moment before clearing her throat and pulling her hand away. "You need that to eat." She picked up her chopsticks, shoving a particularly large bite into her mouth. Still so uncomfortable with him.
Sasuke picked up his own and followed suit, eating. "What changed after I confessed."
Hinata covered her mouth as she chewed. "I started coming to your apartment more and more. Sometimes just to stay and talk, but we did a lot of eating and a lot of cooking." She meant she did all the cooking, didn't she?
Two abandoned bowls were left cold, forgotten in the conversation as it got later and later, and neither one of them wanted to point out the obvious. She should go home. She should get back to the compound. They would notice if she stayed out all night. They would have something to say about it.
Sasuke looked up at the kettle across the room. Hinata answered the unasked question by getting up, collecting their bowls, and turning on the stove.
She wasn't leaving just yet.
"Eventually, I fell asleep there once, and then I just never went home," Hinata explained. "I started leaving clothes and equipment behind, and there was just no need." She picked at her plate as her face turned red. "We… weren't…"
Sasuke snorted. "I get it."
"I guess that's probably what everyone thought, though." Hinata tucked her hair behind her ear nervously.
Sasuke paused with his bite away from his mouth as he got a shot of pain.
Hinata tucked her hair behind her ear nervously, avoiding his eyes. She was holding back so hard, but she was about to burst. Why did she always bottle everything up? She wasn't good at it. She wore too much plainly on her face. "I didn't have a choice."
"You did," Sasuke snapped at her. "But you gave up!"
"Yes!" Hinata turned back to him, showing years of pain, and the fresh seal burned into her forehead. "I gave up!" She choked. "I don't why you care so much." She wiped her face. "I don't know why I came here to tell you. I knew you wouldn't…" Her voice broke. "…wouldn't want me anymore." She sniffed and tried to put on a braver face, but it only crumbled miserably. "I just came to get my stuff."
Sasuke hated it when she did that. She could put everything in perspective and completely drag him out of his anger by telling him how she saw the world. This could have been his fault, and he was blaming her for giving in. He balled his hand in a fist to keep it from shivering.
With no reply from him, Hinata started gathering her stuff.
No. No. No. No. Sasuke dove to stop her, grabbing her bag. "I want you here." Hinata stared back at him in disbelief. He needed to make it clear. "Don't leave. Don't go home."
Hinata's face twisted miserably. She pressed it into his shoulder to hide as she sobbed. Sasuke buried his hand in her hair and sighed. He was an idiot. Why did he yell at her?
"I'm sorry." Sasuke pressed his lips to her temple. He should say it more often.
Hinata wrapped her arms around him desperately. "I was so scared you wouldn't want me to come back." He was sure she could hear his fear racing through his chest, but it would go away if he kept her right here for a while.
Sasuke shook his head against her head. "I want you here." He would say it every day if she needed to hear it.
Sasuke sucked in a couple of breaths too quickly and felt the warmth of a tear run down his face. He looked up from his food and the chopsticks that clattered onto the table to find Hinata's chair empty. He frantically turned his head only to find her crouched down beside him, letting him crush her fingers in his hand. Her head was down, waiting for his memory to release him. How long was he out? How long had she been waiting?
He loosened his hand. Hinata's head popped up. She thumbed over the back of his hand and sighed as she stood up. "These are starting to worry me."
Sasuke released her only to hook his arm around her hips and bury his face in her rib cage. This new fear wasn't going away. Maybe because it wasn't just in the past, he was afraid that she was going to leave him alone. Now that he had these new memories, he knew that it was his worst fear.
Being alone.
After all those years chasing power, why did it only hit him when he came home? That he was alone.
Warm arms wrapped around his head, and gentle fingers twisted into the ends of his hair. He could feel the stiffness in her midsection where the baby was growing.
He had a wife and child.
It took entirely too long for it to sink in completely.
Hinata hummed out a distressed sigh. "I worry one of these memories is going to show you our worst moments. When I was having a bad day or maybe a time when you weren't sure about us." She flattened her fingers, fidgeting in his hair. The subtext of her fear lingered. She was worried he was see something that would make him want her to leave.
Sasuke shook his head. "I want you here." He repeated.
Hinata's hands flinched back to hover shy of his head. "What?"
Did he say that often? Did he make her feel wanted? Sasuke pulled his head back to look at the shock on her face. "I want you here."
Hinata hugged his head back to her, tightening as she tried to hide her crying. "I'm not going anywhere."
Sasuke closed his eyes and pressed his face closer to his child. He needed to not screw this up even if he didn't remember having it.