(Author's Note: I am not the owner of Sonic the Hedgehog. Sonic the Hedgehog is owned by Sega Enterprises, please support the official release)
One bright and sunny day, Sonic the Hedgehog (Author's Note: This fic takes place in the year 3000 and Sonic the Hedgehog had his brain implanted in a dildo so he could live forever) was walking down the road until he spied his friend Knuckles (author's note: in this continuity, Knuckles is a rock with googly eyes glued to him and instead of guarding the Master Emerald, he guards a stash of panties he stole from Rouge the Bat). Knuckles said "yo whaddup Sonic?" (author's note: Knuckles was also bit by a radioactive black man and now only talks like he lives in the ghetto)
Sonic looked over and said "hello-a Knuckles, what-a is-a up?" (author's note: Sonic also switched nationalities with Mario thanks to Shigeru Miyamoto being tossed into the fires of Tartarus) Knuckles responded with "aww nothing much nigga, I'm just headin over to the KFC (author's note: in this universe, KFC is a fastfood restaurant that doubles as a stronghold for the worst criminals in the world, it stand for Krime Fortress Castle) to get some grub. Wanna come brotha?"
Sonic thought about this for a moment (author's note: in this universe, dildos have some of the highest IQs in the galaxy) before saying "sure, let's-a do it."
And so the two heroes left on their spaceship (author's note: in this universe, spaceships are made out of dead babies and Lucky Charms) to go to the KFC on Mars (author's note: KFC is located on Mars because Colonel Sanders was recently outed as a Martian wearing human skin, although the mustache is real) and get some grub.
After an hour (author's note: an hour actually takes one trillion years and the characters died and got resurrected several times in the span of that sentence) the two heroes finally arrived on Mars to enjoy some food.
The two heroes sat down on chairs (author's note: chairs are made of entire galaxies and everytime someone sits on one, they are destroying whole civilizations) and pulled out menus to read.
Soon, their waiter Burt Reynolds (author's note: Burt Reynolds is their waiter because he lost a bet against Marlon Brando where he claimed he could shove 1000 planets up his ass in the span of ten seconds, but only managed to make it to 999 because he lost count) showed up and said "what would you like to order?"
Sonic said "I would-a like some fried-a shrimp" (author's note: shrimp is actually a code word for Kim Jong Un's testicles, and they are a popular menu item due to the fact that Kim Jong Un has 573929374824983985979537884878998 testicles in his ballsack and the number is still growing to this day).
Burt Reynolds wrote down Sonic's order and said "and what about you good sir? What would you like today?"
Knuckles said "ay yo mama jama, I'd like some steamed broccoli, put some cheese on it too or Ima pop a cap in yo ass" (author's note: all broccoli is actually just Charles's Bronson's pubic hairs dyed green. Taking just one bite of this food can give a person the power to split suns in half with a single chop).
Burt Reynolds then wrote down Knuckles order and said "ok, I'll be back in a flash" (author's note: Burt Reynolds means that he will cut open the DC superhero, The Flash, and arrive back in a skinsuit of the scarlet speedster because this is how waiters work in the modern day).
As Burt Reynolds left to go get our heroes order, Steve Jobs broke through the door and yelled "THIS IS A ROBBERY" (author's note: Steve Jobs was in a terrible car accident and was sent to Hell as a result. He then managed to take over Hell with the help of his trusty boomerang and now reigns as the king of the Underworld) before going around the restaurant and began snatching everyone's wallets.
As Steve Jobs got to Sonic and Knuckles table, he said "hand over your wallets" (author's note: a wallet is a parasitic creature that sucks away its host's lifeforce in exchange for giving them all of the knowledge of the universe) but Sonic and Knuckles began shaking their heads in objection to this.
Sonic said "you-a really think-a that-a you can steal-a from-a us and get away-a with it?"
Knuckles added on "that ain't happenin honky."
Steve Jobs, angered by this, said "so be it" (author's note: it, is a book by Stephen King).
Steve Jobs jumped into the air and tried to do a spin-kick into Sonic's head, but Sonic used his psychic powers (author's note: Sonic managed to gain psychic powers after eating too many chicken pot pies and the chicken pot pie god granted him power beyond his belief) to grab Steve Jobs and toss him into a wall.
Steve Jobs shook his head, before getting back up and shooting a fireball at Knuckles. Knuckles managed to deflect it with his green lightsaber (author's note: Knuckles gained mastery of lightsaber combat after spending years training with Yoda and Knuckles gave Yoda ten pounds of cocaine in return) before running up to Steve Jobs and chopping his fingers off.
"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGH" yelled Steve Jobs in pain as blood sprayed like a fire hose from where his fingers used to be.
"Ya'll don't mess with a brotha's grub" said Knuckles.
Steve Jobs then lunged at Sonic in an attempt to punch the dildo with his other hand, but Sonic moved out of the way before pulling out his magic wand (author's note: Sonic is also a vampire and he gained the ability to use magic by drinking JK Rowling's blood).
"EXPELIARMUS" yelled Sonic before sending out a red ball of magic and causing Steve Jobs to go flying through the air once again, crashing into yet another wall and forcing a sickening crunch to come from his spine, (author's note: Steve Jobs does not have a skeleton like normal people, instead his bones are made out of Honey Nut Cheerios because the forces of hell are actually delicious breakfast food items disguised as the forces of evil)
Steve Jobs was now paralyzed (author's note: paralyzed is a song by Finger Eleven) and he begged "please, don't kill me. I promise that I'll turn over a new leaf after this."
Sonic then said in his iconic Italian accent "no, you-a lost-a you're-a living privileges" before using his psychic powers to lift Steve Jobs up into the air. Steve Jobs then screamed in pain as the dildo used his powers to pull Steve's limbs off as easy as Rice Krispy treats one by one.
First Steve's arm came off, then his other arm, soon his leg was gone too, and his other leg followed suit.
Sonic then asked "any last words?"
Steve Jobs said "peanut butter" (author's note: peanut butter is actually the main ingredient in the atomic bomb.)
Sonic said "goodbye" before popping Steve Jobs head off like a jar of pickles.
Sonic and Knuckles then high fived as Burt Reynolds, in his new flesh sack, brought the duo's food over to them. "Bone app tit" said Burt Reynolds as he placed their food on the table.
The two heroes then had a grand lunch to celebrate their victory on this fine day.
(Author's Note: I am inside your body and could burst out of you at any time. I'm not going to do it right now though, but when you least expect it *BOOM*, I'll burst out of you like a water balloon, so you'd better watch your back dear reader, because I'm apart of you now and I'm never leaving."