𝖒𝖎𝖘𝖙𝖗𝖊𝖘𝖘 𝖍𝖊𝖆𝖑𝖊𝖗
You pierce my soul. I am half agony, half hope...I have loved none but you
— Jane Austen, Persuasion
Glorfindel and I walked side by side for some time without speaking, and I knew not in which direction we were going. My heart was thudding heavy in my chest, and my hands behind my back, as we awkwardly strolled together. I was aware of the beauty of my surroundings more vividly by his side - because I was studiously ignoring how tall he was next to me, how he had matched his stride to mine, and how his hair no longer hung down his back. He seemed like such a stranger to me.
He still smelled the same though. I breathed it in.
After a while, we found ourselves by the river, and the sound of the water, the birds in the sky, and wind rushing through the trees was all I could hear. I didn't know what to say, or how to begin a conversation. There was so much between us. So much history. But also so much space.
"How was the meeting with your father?" he asked, suddenly. I blinked.
"It was… revelatory," I replied, at length. Glorfindel sighed, stopped, and turned to me.
"I have known him a long time. I am sorry I was not there with you," he said, looking down at me with compassion.
"He told me you had asked him to reveal himself to me," I said, looking down at my shoes.
"I tried. But the Valar make their own choices and cannot be swayed," he said.
I started walking again. "So it seems."
"I sometimes forget how alone you are in the world," he said. "Despite your many friends and your habit of making more wherever you go… You should not have had to meet him by yourself."
"And yet that was the way it had to be. I'm not sure what I was expecting, but Ulmo… wasn't it."
"Minnow, what he has surely told you -" he began. I turned to look at him.
"I know now. That his children cannot have their own children. Yes, he told me," I said, with a heavy sigh.
Glorfindel sighed. "I wish I had been there. You should not have had to hear that by yourself."
I looked up at him. "I wish you'd been there too."
We walked along in silence again. Glorfindel sighed.
"He walks the line between the Valar and those of us who walk on Arda. Corporeal, and ethereal. He is like the sea itself, but he is old, Minnow, so old that he is a little strange."
I grumbled that everyone had said that, and he smiled sadly at me. He asked how I had felt after meeting my father. I silently glowered at the river for some time.
"It's just - I'm his thirteenth daughter!" I exploded. "And he left me and all my sisters to be brought up without any parents - all alone in the entire world! And it's a mistake he committed again and again! And - and - he's listening out for me and saves me when I'm about to drown when the dam opened, or probably when we were in Mordor - but he doesn't deign to talk to me? How am I supposed to understand that?"
"Perhaps you're not," Glorfindel said, softly. "But your feelings have merit. You are in a hard situation."
"And the worst part is - I'm so selfish, just like him!" I cried.
"Minnow, you're not selfish at all," he began, alarmed.
"Aren't I?" I said, with no little bitterness. I forced myself to look him in the eye. During the war, I had seen battered and bruised Elves, and even some dead ones, but it was always, always a shock to see an unwell Elf. And this one was the Elf I loved the most. "Haven't I done this to you? Haven't I reduced you to this unhappy state? Due to my sheer selfishness?"
He grabbed my hands, and pulled me to him. "This is not your doing-" he began.
"It is! I am the one who started this - I kissed you, I insisted, I laughed at all the dangers you told me about-"
"I cut off my hair to signal to my people to show them I was grieving my loss. I did this to myself Minnow. For what I said to you. For how I treatedyou."
"It's not… you don't wish that you'd never… never…" I began.
"You were right to leave," he said.
I pulled myself out of his arm and turned away. Even after all this time, it still hurt like the wound was fresh. But then, didn't old wounds sometimes hurt the most?
"I know," I said, softly, willing myself not to cry.
"And you have done well for yourself in my absence. The Athelas paste alone has saved many lives. And to have created Arda's first freetown - I am in awe of you, Minnow. And I think you are happy here. In Imladris, with Elrond," he said.
"I like working with him, there is still so much to learn - and… Imladris is welcoming to all. It's not near the sea," I said, with a smile. "But otherwise, it very much is perfect."
"I am glad you didn't marry Anarion," he admitted. "I was… I was sure you would. My jealousy has been another obstacle in our way. Anarion would have been a poor husband to you. Although I am not sure I have been any better."
I hesitated, and we sat down on the bank of the river, and I hugged my knees. I wasn't sure if he knew about Anarion's treachery.
"I considered it," I said, in a low voice. "He hasn't paid his soldiers. He still hasn't paid them! He takes so much in tax and doesn't give anything to the people in return… I thought perhaps I could turn him to the right path. But I saw that I couldn't. I paid off Cardolan - Minntown's - taxes by working in his treasury with his Steward. I saw what was being neglected. Who was being neglected. And I tried to fix it - but he wouldn't listen."
"As ever, he had you doing his work for you," said Glorfindel, grimly.
"It gets worse," I admitted. "When I refused to marry him - again and again - he locked me up. For a week."
I chanced a glimpse at Glorfindel, and his face was sterner and grimmer than ever. I told him that Elwen had rescued me on her return from the north with Lord Aradon, and that I had escaped in one piece.
"If I ever have the misfortune to meet him again, I want your permission to beat the shit out of him," he said, coldly.
Startled, I laughed.
"He's married to Lind, that is punishment enough," I said. "Although I may be tempted to join you."
We smiled at each other, a little shyly.
"His line will fail. I am sorry for it. But there is such strength within Elwen - and she has chosen a good man. With encouragement from you, I hear. You saw something in Elwen that none of us did."
"All she needed was someone to believe in her," I said, softly. "I spoke to Celebrian earlier today."
"She told me," he said, with a sigh. "I am sorry she upset you. Alas, I cannot beat the shit out of her."
I snorted. "I was tempted to push her down the hill."
"She feels very guilty for her actions, and it is a new feeling for her. I have not forgiven her for what she has done or said. Nor her mother," he said.
"But you accompanied her here?" I said, surprised. "If you haven't forgiven her…"
"I wanted to see Elrond. And I did not want him to see her without my presence," Glorfindel said. "I tried to discourage Celeborn, but he thinks she is doing well - on her path to enlightenment."
"She knew I was here. She saw it in a vision," I told him.
Glorfindel sighed, and put his hands between his knees. He swept his large hands over his short hair and then turned to look at me.
"I would prefer less interference, but I am glad to see you again. And even gladder still to see you are unmarried," he said.
"How am I supposed to marry someone else?" I asked sadly. "You must know I consider myself already married. But we made no vows, we had no ceremony. We cannot marry the Elvish way. So you are not beholden to me."
"Ai, Minnow. I thought you were better off without me. I should never have let fear take hold of me, never insisted you make yourself smaller and smaller to live with me, in my home. No one would have been able to tolerate that - and you endured more than I realised. But I have done this poorly from the beginning."
"That's not true-" I began.
"Nay, darling, while you have been travelling around the whole of Arda, being a hero and saving lives, I have been quietly thinking about the error of my ways. Failure is my one constant, it seems. I have always been an Elf of action, and I thought my sword was true and my aims noble, but I see now I have been arrogant and thoughtless. I assumed because of my age and heritage I knew best, but I was a poor husband."
"Was I an exemplary wife?" I cried, hurt by his words.
"Yes! You were!" he said.
"I should have spoken more… about what was being said about me, only I was scared," I continued.
"I was not listening, Minnow," he insisted. "I did everything wrong."
"You did not," I told him.
"But now I will right my wrongs and do better. It's customary to ask, and last time I didn't. I would like to marry you and be with you until we are forcibly parted. If you wish to part from me forever, then I accept your wishes and only say that you are entitled to half my estate and all my possessions, it's all yours to do with what you wish," he said.
My heart was skipping beats, and clenching uncomfortably. I breathed in deeply, and brushed the tears from my face.
"I don't want your wealth, Glor. Oh Glor, I'm not sure love is enough," I told him, my lip wobbling. "And I couldn't take another parting from you - the first one almost killed me. And being together made you so unhappy. Isn't it better for you to forget me? Or just to remember what we had, and then… move on?"
"I don't want to forget you, or take the easy road. It's hard but it's worth it. I am prepared for what will come - I have always known how this ends and I have been cowardly about it."
"I'm not dead yet!" I wailed. Glorfindel flinched.
"I know. And what life we can share is enough for me. More than enough. What I want more than anything in Middle Earth is you - and I want you to be happy, Minnow," he said, brushing a tear away. I resisted the urge to throw myself into his arms.
"Things might change," I said, dubiously.
"Everything changes. But my love for you remains constant."
"Where would we live?" I asked. The prospect of returning to Lindon was not appealing - two years was not long enough for them to have forgotten me and for me to live peaceably. And I did not think I could ever return there. Not even for Glorfindel.
"In Imladris, of course. This is your home now and I'd be honoured to join you."
"In Imladris. Would Gil-galad consent to that?" I asked. "What of your duty?"
"I don't need his consent to serve Elrond. Will you marry me, dearest?" he asked.
Deena had told me to grasp my happiness, and it was within my reach. Could I trust him again with myself? Could he be strong enough to outlive me? Could I watch him watch me age?
In the end it didn't matter. I wanted it more than anything. I nodded, and I crawled into his arms. He sighed into my ear, and we clung to each other. I could hear his heart beating fast despite his outward composure.
"You once told me that in Tolfalas, the wedding ceremony was conducted by someone who loved both the couple," said Glorfindel into my hair.
"Elrond could marry us," I replied, smiling.
"I would like that."
"So would I."
"But will you be able to handle… I will grow old," I said. It was still there, hanging over the two of us. My inevitable death.
"Everything changes. But my love for you remains constant," he repeated.
Growing old together was an aspect of marriage that most didn't question - or even looked forward to it. But Glorfindel would go on, and I wouldn't, and nothing and no one could change that. I knew that in reality that it would still be hard for him to bear, and for me to watch it. That it would be something we both had to endure. But now I knew that things were never easy, the important things were always hard. But I knew that it would be worth it.
"I'm so tired," he said. "I'm just so tired."
"Let's rest then," I replied, and hand in hand, we walked back to the heart of Imladris. Again, we were both silent, but it felt more like a peaceful quiet. I have wasted so much time, but perhaps it wasn't wasted, I thought. I had accomplished much in two years, and I had also changed as a person. It seemed that Glorfindel had too. He seemed more mellow to me. I took him back to my tent, and we climbed into bed together.
Glorfindel fell into a deep sleep, his breathing slow and rhythmic, as I stroked his head. It would be better this time. Not perfect, because fairy tales aren't true, and even in the stories about Elvish bravery, it always ends badly. The Elvish twins are lost. Or the lovers were separated. Or one of them died. Even Elrond's parents' fate confused me - was his father really a star? There were no happy endings, I thought to myself, but there were happy middles and I must content myself with that. I would grasp my happiness and hold onto it for as long as I could.
I fell into a dreamless sleep too, his head resting on me as a pillow, and for the first time in a long time, I felt as though I belonged.
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