𝖒𝖎𝖘𝖙𝖗𝖊𝖘𝖘 𝖍𝖊𝖆𝖑𝖊𝖗
But people themselves alter so much, that there is something new to be observed in them for ever
— Jane Austen, Pride and Prejudice
Who could sleep after such a confrontation? All night I tossed and turned on the bed in my tent, until I gave up, and in the starlight, looked at my two necklaces. The shell necklace left to me by my father, who was a disappointment, and the golden flower necklace given to me by Glorfindel, who I had disappointed.
It was true that I didn't need him. During the battles against the Enemy, I had needed his protection; for war is not kind to women. I needed his strength against Isildur. He had saved me many times. But the dark lord and Elendil's oldest son were long gone I thought, with relief. Perhaps Glorfindel was so used to being needed, I thought. Gondolin, Lindon, Middle Earth, all the Elves relied on him. But he didn't get much in return, I mused.
I didn't really need him - I was an independent woman now. Even if I had returned my land and manor house to the people it truly belonged to, I had money and power and influence. I didn't need a husband for any of that.
But by the Valar, did I want him. And I wanted someone to hold my hand, and to sleep next to, and talk about… well, everything, with. And it was him or no one.
Valar above, I was just as selfish as my blasted father, I told myself, getting out of bed roughly. The sun hadn't risen yet, but I could tell it would soon. I yanked my dress and boots on with anger, and strode out my tent and towards the hills encircling us. The steep climb would be a good punishment for someone who had not yet learnt her lesson: Glorfindel was in pain, and would always be in pain, and all I could think about was how close I wanted to be to him. How much comfort I would derive from his embrace. I wasn't thinking about what he wanted.
Don't you dare cry, I told myself, pulling myself up another rock. Or break your neck, I added for good measure. There was a path, but the light was still dim. I stopped to gather my bearings. I took a big breath in, savouring the refreshing smell of the trees and the morning dew.
Imladris was so peaceful. It was truly an idyll. The running water, the valley, the trees, the sharp mountain air… In an hour or so, the Dunedain would awake and the slow but steady work on the house would begin again. I would resume my duties. Or perhaps I should go and speak to Elwen, I thought, pausing to listen to birdsong.
"You have arisen early this morn," said a voice, softly. I jumped, and turned round, my heart sinking. I was in no mood to deal with Celebrian.
"Good morning," I said, resentfully. She eyed me thoughtfully, and I glared at her. Her long hair and mournful expression in the gloomy light made her look just like a fairytale princess - just before she met the beast. I imagined I was the villain of the story. I certainly had the scowl for it.
"Is it?" she asked, ponderously. It was tempting to push her down the hill, I thought resentfully. I was only about half way up the sides of the valley, and as I looked down at Imladris, I thought here, among the rocks and patches of trees but away from people, was a good time to confront her.
"Why have you come here?" I asked her, dispensing with formalities. "What is your intention?"
"You distrust me, as well you might," she said, placidly.
"I don't trust you not to hurt Glorfindel further with your usual selfish carelessness," I returned. To my surprise, she flinched.
"I owe you an apology," she said, slowly. "I have wronged you… many times."
"Nothing is more deceitful than the appearance of humility," I snapped.
"I am in earnest, Minnow. My behaviour has, quite rightly, shocked my Ada, and I am more and more ashamed of myself," she said. "I am trying to make amends."
As I crossed my arms and glared at her, I told her that this must be the first time she had faced the consequences of her actions. She sighed.
"I do not have my mother's powers - hers have been long practiced and strengthened - but I have some flashes of foresight. I knew you would be in Elrond's dwelling. I have come to make things right," she said, with meaning.
It took a second for this to sink in.
"You brought Glorfindel here? To me?" I asked, in horror. I walked to an old tree that leant against the mountain, and lay my head on bark. "Valar give me strength," I pleaded in a low voice. What was wrong with this elleth, I wondered. A few rays of sunshine began to make their way over the tips of the rocks, but I felt a shiver cross me. What had she done?
"You are not pleased," she noticed.
"Oh, you think? I do not think you have done him a kindness, Celebrian," I said, in a strangled voice.
"Anyone can see you are suffering, Minnow."
The arrogance of it, I thought, white hot anger coursing through my blood.
"My suffering is my own business. When will you learn not to meddle?" I snapped, turning round, and looking at her. "Why must you continually insert yourself into a situation that has nothing to do with you?" I cried.
"I had hoped to rectify it," she said, mournfully. I closed my eyes and told myself that throwing her down the hill would only make the matter worse. "I have played a part in separating you, and I can play a part in reuniting you."
I muttered that it didn't work like that. "What was your plan? Lock us in a closet and hope we'd work it out?" I snapped, incredulous. The expression on her face said as much. "As it is, there is no solution. I cannot stop being mortal-" I continued.
"Can you not? Your father is Valar." She looked at me hopefully.
My father, I thought, with venom. I was more like him than I wanted to admit. Selfish and reckless - convinced I was being brave and bold and independent, but letting others deal with the consequences. Celebrian was speaking again, this time about how she had never met any Valar, and how her mother's return to Valinor was now in question…
"She drew blood," I said, interrupting her train of thought.
"She shocked me. She shocked us all," Celebrian said softly. "I did not realise how much in my mother's shadow I was. Her tastes were my tastes, her ambitions my ambitions. I did not even know myself…"
What could I do but feel pity? I had not grown up with any parents, and although my grandmother had been outspoken and opinionated, she had never sought to control me. But then, I had an independent streak in me. Not everyone was like that, I reminded myself.
"It cannot be easy to have grown up with such a… strong personality, as your mother," I ventured. Celebrian smiled wanly.
"I allowed her to make me weak," she said, with some bitterness in her voice.
"Do you know yourself a bit better now?" I asked.
"I am still learning. But I still like to weave. Archery is a useful skill, but I dislike politics," she admitted.
"The only people who like it are politicians," I muttered.
"True. Ruling is not in my nature. Ada has been helping me find things that I like, and not what my Nana wants me to do. I find I like gardening," she ventured, almost embarrassed. "I like to grow things."
There was a childlike tone to her voice, and despite her many years on me, I caught a flash of what Celebrian might have been like when she was young. Sweet, but looking for validation and guidance. It was a shame that she had not received what she had needed.
"We're trying to start a herb garden," I said, tentatively.
"All Elves love trees, but my mother believes gardening is… beneath someone of my rank," she said, stiffly.
Galadriel was a fool, I thought, bitterly.
"I believe that Elrond would be glad of your assistance. I find gardening a little slow… I don't have the patience," I replied.
"Ai. Elrond. I fear I have lost his good opinion forever," she said, and sat down on a stone, leaning her forearms on her legs. It was such a dejected pose that I was discomposed.
"You didn't want it while you had it."
There was a long pause, and I almost started climbing the mountainside again. Curse her and her moping!
"It bothers me that I have lost it. I do not exactly understand why… Glorfindel was upset with me. But he said he will forgive me in time. But I will never forget the look of horror on his face…"
"Glorfindel or Elrond's?" I asked, confused.
"The latter," she said. She told me she had confessed her behaviour to Elrond and Glorfindel many months ago.
Then she said something that surprised and disconcerted me.
"If I have children with Elrond, they may choose mortality."
I blinked, thinking quickly. Celebrian had thought about the possibility of children with Elrond? That was… interesting. Perhaps there was hope after all. I tried not to smile at this, angry at her as I was.
"That would be hard," I said, feeling a little out of my depth.
Celebrian stood up, her blonde hair fluttering in the sunlight.
"Why did you not confide in Glorfindel? In the cruel things I had said, my mother had said… Why did you not tell him?"
I shrugged. "I told him some of it but not all. I already felt like such a burden. Would it have helped to know that some of the pregnant women I treated asked if I knew about the whore an Elf had trapped in his house?"
"No Elf would trap a woman inside his house," said Celebrian. "Only a fool would think so."
"I feel you have missed the point," I answered, suddenly feeling exhausted. "It is… unpleasant to be thought of in that way."
Celebrian gazed at me. "That is something I have not experienced. I have always had everyone's good opinion until now."
I snorted. "That is not true. Glorfindel may have told you he would forgive you in time, but he doesn't much like you. He told me not to let you in his house in Lindon. And I tried to like you, for Elrond's sake." I looked at her, beautiful in the golden sunlight. But her beauty was only skin deep. "I don't understand what he sees in you. I don't think you are good enough for him," I said, softly. Was it cruel to say such things? I didn't know, but part of me felt it had to be said.
"You do not think me good enough for either Elrond or Glorfindel-" she began, stonily.
"You don't care about Glorfindel! You only care about yourself. You should not have come here if it was only to assuage your guilt and give Elrond false hope!" I snapped. She stood up and strode towards me.
"Glorfindel loves you - why do you retreat from him? Perhaps you are the one who is not good enough-"
"You have no idea how hard it is to grow up the illegitimate daughter of nobody-knows-who and constantly - constantly - have to prove yourself! And even if I do prove my skills and my worth - it changes nothing! And I left Lindon not only for myself - because you and your mother drove me out, but because Glorfindel was miserable! All I could do was leave!" I shouted. I breathed in deeply, furious with myself for losing my temper. I turned away and crossed my arms, trying to rein in my fury.
When I turned around again, I saw Celebrian was crying. How dare she cry, I thought.
"If you had only spoken to Glorfindel of your troubles," she began.
"Oh, so it's my fault, is it?" I snapped. "I did! I am not one to suffer silently-"
"Glorfindel is the best of the Eldar - he alone was chosen to come back to life after he sacrificed himself. There is no battle he cannot win," said Celebrian emphatically. I almost laughed.
"He died, Celebrian. He saved the refugees of Gondolin with his death. Perhaps he shouldn't have to sacrifice himself for others! I did speak to him. Many times! We fought about it, I wasn't strong enough to bear it. And we all behave… unlike ourselves… when we're under pressure."
"Glorfindel is the bravest of us all," she continued.
"Being brave doesn't mean you don't feel fear," I told her. "It means you do what needs to be done despite the fear."
"If you love him, you will fix him," she said.
I paused and took in a big breath to steady myself.
"Oh, I see it now. You are upset that he has cut off his hair - it is a reminder of your poor behaviour, for all the world to see!" I said. "Selfish, unfeeling girl!"
"Why will you not try? Don't you love him?" she snapped.
"It isn't enough! I wish it were. But it's not true - love doesn't conquer all!"
"You are full of fear," she said.
"I'm not scared. I don't want him to be in any more pain. He already regrets me. I wanted to spare him the pain of my death - and you brought him here, Celebrian! Haven't I sacrificed enough?"
"The two of you love each other - against all odds, you found each other and you fell in love. And you would give up now?" she asked. "Perhaps you don't really love him after all."
"How dare you," I said in a low voice. Then I turned on my heel and stomped down the mountain path, my heart pounding in my ears. When I reached the valley, I started to stride quickly but in what direction, I know not. I bumped into Arador, and as he began to say good morning, I burst into tears. He steered me towards his tent, and into his wife's arms.
"Oh Minnow," Elwen soothed, into my hair, as I sobbed in her arms. It took a long time to calm me down. Tears streamed down my face - as had some snot - and I couldn't stop hiccuping.
"I'm sorry," I said, in between hiccups. "I'm so sorry," I said, gesturing to myself. Elwen made me sit on her tent bed and rubbed my back as I clung to her.
"Hush, Minnow, let it all out," she said, softly.
Arador appeared again with a cup of tea and gave it to me. "Make her drink it, and then sleep, I think, darling," he said to Elwen, then left the tent.
"He's very nice, your - hic! - husband," I said, sipping tea and smiling shakily.
"He is more than I deserve," she said. I shook my head in disagreement.
"I don't think - hic! - that's true," I said. He had called her darling in Sindarin - which despite my current state of despair, had warmed my heart. I suspected he did truly love her. And after getting to know her, who wouldn't, I thought.
"Did you speak with Glorfindel?" she asked, solemnly, interrupting my thoughts.
"No - I mean, yes. We spoke after dinner - hic! - but I couldn't sleep and tried - hic! - to climb up the mountain - hic! - but Celebrian - hic! - Celebrian," I finished morosely, wiping away a tear, and gulping the rest of the tea.
Elwen took the empty cup from me, and tried to wrap me in a blanket. "You're shivering, Minnow!" she said, as I struggled out of it. Her long dark hair shimmered as she pulled the blanket over me, and I was struck by how she looked like the twilight, compared to Celebrian's morning glow. They were both beautiful princesses, but so different.
"Elrond would have been mad if I pushed that bitch down the mountain," I muttered.
"Yes, he would have, and she's not worth it," said Elwen, who pushed me down onto the bed. "Now go to sleep."
"I'm not tired!" I protested, sleepily.
I fell into a deep and strange sleep. For a time, I sat by my beloved sea. I was all alone on the beach, the waves lapping at my feet, and the sun setting over the horizon. I took a deep breath in and the sea air cleansed my soul. What is it about water that is so soothing, I wondered, idly.
"Water holds memories," whispered Ulmo in my ear.
"I suppose that's true," I told my father, standing up and stretching and walking down the beach, and into my grandmother's cottage. It was exactly how I remembered it: the big wooden table made from driftwood, the hanging herbs, the sharp knives, and the books full of her handwritten recipes. Someone was cooking at the hearth, but it was a young woman.
For a second, I thought it must be my friend Rosa, who I had given my grandmother's cottage to all those years ago. I almost looked around for Denvy and their children, when the woman stood up, and turned.
She was beautiful. Not like Elwen or Celebrian with their pale skin and willowy figures, nobility in their features, and a coolness I could never emulate, even if I wanted to. She didn't have symmetrical features, or regalness, or poise.
But there was something about her that I couldn't take my eyes off. Her slightly green eyes held a lot of humour, and mischievousness. She smiled at me, slightly crookedly. She had a dimple in her left cheek, and was covered in freckles - a lot more than me, but her hair was lighter.
She looked so alive. She looked younger than me.
"Deena," I said. "Deena."
"You must grasp your happiness," she said, walking towards me. "Do you hear me, it is within your reach!"
I woke up with a start, and rolled onto my side.
"Valar above," I muttered. My head was spinning. Had Ulmo just shown me a memory of my mother? Or a vision? Was she in the human afterlife? No one knew what happened to us after we died, although there were several theories.
But that had undoubtedly been my mother. Or had it? Perhaps my mind had created a version of what I thought she had looked like: a prettier me. And yet, that had been Ulmo's voice.
He wasn't the Valar of dreams though, I thought, crankily, getting up. Elwen had left me alone in her tent, and I drank a glass of water, and put on my boots. It was strange to think Elwen must have taken them off. When I first met her, Berendine had dressed her - I would have assumed she didn't know how to lace up a boot.
I took another swig of water and left the tent, wondering what I should do.
It was around midday - I had slept for hours. The men were working on the second floor of Elrond's homely house, and some children were running around near the river - Erestor was chasing them. I watched for a few minutes as the Dunedain children piled on top of him, as he laughed and laughed. Oh, Erestor. I had missed him so much.
I couldn't see Elrond, but I saw Elwen talking to Celebrian. Instinctively, I strode in the opposite direction towards the woods. Should I apologise for shouting at her? I had been cruel, I thought, and it was truly horrible to act that way. But by the Valar, had she not learnt her lesson.
Pity and anger mixed in my heart; she had infuriated me. I would calm down, I told myself, and then and only then, would I trust myself to speak to her.
I shouldn't have been mean - if only for Elrond's sake, I told myself, leaning against a tree. Why did I have to lose my temper like that?
And what of the dream? My mother, who hadn't lived to be three-and twenty, compelling me to grasp at my happiness? She had loved Ulmo - and he had loved her, in his own way. It wasn't worth it, I thought bitterly. She had died in childbirth and left my grandmother to bring me up.
A conversation I had with her before she had died - one of the last - drifted back to me.
"Promise me you will not make the same mistake as your mother," my grandmother pleaded.
"And what mistake was that?" I replied, angry.
"She lay with someone she was not married to and it led to her demise!" snapped my grandmother.
"But that mistake led to me," I had said.
I sank to the ground, confused and alone. Was it a mistake to love someone - even if the ending would be sad? There would be no happy endings here, I thought. But years ago I had told my grandmother that Deena's so-called mistake had led to me - and even as a midwife on Tolfalas, a little bored and a little lonely, I had thought that I was enough. I knew that my grandmother loved me - and never blamed me for Deena's death.
And since then, hadn't I proved myself, as I told Celebrian? I had stitched up what felt like half of Middle Earth. I had saved the dwarves from plague. I had saved Anarion's life. I had dragged him up Mount Doom and pushed him to try - and he had helped Isildur destroy Sauron's ring. I had given back Cardalon to the people it belonged to - and given them a future. I had pulled shards of metal from Glorfindel's body and pulled the high king of Lindon from the ash of Mordor. And I had lived - and loved. Valar, had I loved.
I wished fervently that Deena could have lived, and I could have grown up with her - but my childhood had been full of love and laughter and I had never felt truly lacking. Perhaps Ulmo was selfish - but I was glad to be alive. I owed my life and my very existence to his selfishness.
Glorfindel was walking through the woods towards me, his long legs striding slowly but purposefully. I watched him silently. He was wearing the same plain clothes as yesterday: had he slept? The shadows under his eyes made me think that he hadn't slept for a long time.
When he stood up at me, I looked up at him. His face was serious, and his grey eyes were solemn.
"I would speak to my wife, if I may?" he asked. I held out my hand, and he took it and pulled me towards him.
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