Author's note: I meant to upload this two weeks ago but things have been rough lately. But I promise I'm still writing!
Ghost on the Couch
April 24 (part two)
After checking himself in with the receptionist, Danny took a seat in the waiting area and tried to calm his shaking nerves. He placed his hands on his knees in an attempt to keep them still.
But Dash wasn't here. Dash hadn't seen him come up here. Because if he had, he definitely would've followed Danny up and appeared already to give him a hard time.
He didn't need to worry right now. He was safe for at least another hour. And hopefully Dash would be gone by the time he went outside again.
But he couldn't stop glancing at the door, panicking, expecting Dash to barge in and look right at him with that familiar sneer.
For once, he couldn't wait for Brandan to come and get him.
"Danny!" Brandan greeted him, strolling into the waiting area. "It's been a while. I missed seeing you last week."
Danny raised a brow. "You did?"
"Of course! I like talking to you."
Danny didn't believe it. Surely Brandan just said that to all his clients, just a technique to build rapport or something.
Disqualifying the positive. He knew he was doing it but that didn't make it any easier to believe Brandan's words.
"Is your mom not here today?" asked Brandan, looking around the room.
"No," said Danny. "She's running errands. She'll pick me up later when we're done." He glanced back at the door again to check for Dash, not even realizing he was doing it.
"Are you waiting for someone else?" asked Brandan, also looking at the door.
Danny snapped his attention back to Brandan and shook his head. "No. No one."
He started heading toward the hall. Brandan seemed to take the hint and moved in front of him, leading the way to his office. Once there, he held the door open for Danny. Danny walked past him with a mumbled "thank you" and took a seat on the familiar couch. Brandan sat across from him in his office chair, like usual.
"So your mother told me last week that you weren't coming in to see me because you were filling in for your school's mascot at a game," said Brandan. "That sounds fun. Was it?"
Danny thought back to the previous Monday when he was practicing the cheer routine with all the pretty cheerleaders who he wanted to believe were flirting with him. But there was no way that could be true, they all thought he was a dweeb.
Jumping to conclusions. Fine, all right, none of them actually said that, and they were truthfully pretty nice to him. But he couldn't conclude they were flirting either, they were just…nice. That was all.
"It was okay," said Danny.
"Is that something you normally do?" asked Brandan. "Fill in for the mascot?"
"No. I was asked to do it. The normal guy who wears the costume broke his ankle." Danny folded his arms and looked down at his lap. "I actually hate wearing that costume. It reeks, and I get so sweaty."
"Then why did you do it?"
Danny looked up at Brandan, furrowing his brow.
"If you hate wearing the costume so much, why did you agree to wear it?" asked Brandan.
"Because…I was asked to."
"That's the only reason?"
"What are you trying to get me to say?"
Brandan paused before speaking. "Would you have agreed to do it if it hadn't been on a Monday?"
Danny huffed. "Are you asking if I agreed to do it to get out of going to therapy?"
"Thanks for not jumping to that conclusion and asking for clarification instead," said Brandan with a nod. "Yes, that is my implied question there."
"And why do you think I would do that?"
"Well, as I recall from our last session two weeks ago, you tried to get detention so you could skip therapy but were unsuccessful. So did you try some new way to skip and your mother accepted it?"
Danny rolled his eyes. "Look, the prettiest girl in the whole school asked me to do her a favor, and I said yes. That's it. But fine, if you really want to know, I was happy to have a valid excuse to skip therapy. And my mom's been wanting me to socialize more and do more extracurricular activities, so she couldn't really say no."
"So you still don't like speaking with me?" asked Brandan. "You still think therapy isn't helping you? That it's a waste of time?"
"Well, do you think it's helping me?" Danny gestured to himself. "I mean, I don't feel any better."
Brandan smiled. "Do you remember the thinking errors we discussed in our last session?"
Danny chewed the inside of his cheek. "Filtering. And emotional reasoning."
"Great memory," said Brandan. "And do you also remember what emotional reasoning is?"
Danny hesitated, already knowing exactly where this was headed. "Believing something to be real just because you feel a certain way."
"Or if you don't feel a certain way," said Brandan. "So when you say you don't 'feel' any better, do you think that means you definitely aren't doing better?"
Danny tried to come up with evidence beyond his feelings, desperately searching his memories. He finally groaned, leaning forward and covering his face with one hand. "I don't know."
"Well, from what I'm seeing," said Brandan, "you are certainly doing better."
Danny looked up.
"You're more aware of your cognitive distortions than before," continued Brandan. "And you're more receptive to what I have to say. You're opening up to me a lot more now, willing to share more of what you're really feeling." Brandan smiled. "Even if that sometimes means you yell at me."
Danny narrowed his eyes and pouted.
"See? That's what I'm talking about," said Brandan, gesturing in Danny's direction with an open hand. "You were so closed off to me in the beginning, but now you're more willing to show me exactly how you're really feeling when you're here."
"I don't see how that proves I'm doing any better."
"Perhaps you're not feeling happier or more confident just yet, but you've already taken so many important steps that will eventually get you there."
Danny shrugged. "If you say so."
"Therapy's never a quick fix for anyone, but I promise you're doing great," said Brandan. "And I've been telling your mom the same in my weekly reports."
Danny sat up a little straighter. "Wait, you've been telling my mom that I've been doing good?"
"Yes. Of course. Because it's the truth."
"Have you told her that…that you think therapy's been helping me?"
"Yes." Brandan tilted his head. "Is that a problem?"
Danny thought about the deal he made with his mom, that if after eight sessions he felt that it really wasn't helping him, he could quit.
But if Brandan was telling her that he thought therapy was helping Danny, would she still honor their deal and let him quit? Or would she insist that he had to continue anyway?
"Danny? Everything okay?"
Danny blinked and looked up. "Yes. Fine."
Brandan frowned. "Are you telling me the truth?"
Danny flinched, shaking his head a little. "Sorry. I just don't want to answer that," he said quietly.
Brandan nodded. "All right. Thanks for letting me know."
Danny couldn't stop himself from quickly rolling his eyes. God, why did this guy always have to be so polite?
"So is there anything you do want to talk about right now, Danny?" asked Brandan.
Danny shrugged.
"Nothing, huh?" Brandan smiled. "Then maybe you can tell me about this girl who asked you to wear the mascot costume."
Danny quirked a brow. "What about her?"
"You admitted that you agreed to wear the costume to get out of therapy," said Brandan. "But you also said that this girl who asked you was 'the prettiest girl in school.' So were you also hoping to impress her?"
Danny scowled, then sighed. "Maybe," he mumbled.
"Just maybe?" asked Brandan playfully.
Danny groaned and let his head flop back on the couch. "It doesn't matter anyway. She's way out of my league."
"What makes you say that?"
Danny huffed, raising his arms and then letting them fall back down on the couch. "Because it's Paulina, she just—is. She's beautiful, she's popular, she's a cheerleader—I mean, a guy like me doesn't have a chance with her."
"And what exactly is 'a guy like you'?"
"You're not seriously asking that, are you?" Danny sat up straighter and looked at Brandan. "I mean, you were in high school once, weren't you?"
"Sure," said Brandan. "I went to my ten-year reunion just last year."
"Then you should know that cheerleaders are only interested in jocks or really tall guys with muscle," said Danny. "I'm just some scrawny geek who doesn't play any sports way at the bottom of the social ladder."
"You're making a pretty big generalization about cheerleaders there," said Brandan. "Paulina is her own person, an individual. She has her own taste in what she finds attractive. How can you be so positive that you're not someone she'd be interested in?"
"Because we've gone out a couple times before."
Brandan raised a brow, smirking. "You've gone out a couple times? Like on dates? More than once? And you're still trying to tell me she could never be interested in you?"
"It's not what you're thinking," said Danny. "The first time, she was just using me to get back at Sam for calling her shallow."
"Paulina told you that?"
"Well, no, of course not."
"Then how do you know that?"
Danny thought back to that night when he picked up Paulina for the school dance, the whole fiasco with the ghostly amulet that turned the wearer into a dragon. "It's really complicated, but Sam later told me that Paulina told her the truth about it. And Sam wouldn't lie to me about something like that."
"But then Paulina went out with you again," said Brandan. "So did she change her mind about you?"
"No." Danny groaned. "The second time, she… She wasn't herself."
"What does that mean?"
Danny recalled the very first kiss he almost had with Paulina, right before he found out she was being overshadowed by a ghost girl using him once again to get revenge. Because apparently girls only ever wanted to use him.
"It's a long story, really hard to explain." Danny lowered his eyes. "But she was never actually interested in me either time. And she never will be, so I don't really know why I agreed to fill in for the mascot. It's not like I could ever change her mind about me."
His head fell back as he looked up at the ceiling.
"I don't even bother asking girls out anymore," he muttered. "I'm just tired of being rejected."
"Have you been rejected a lot?"
"Well. There was another girl I was really into. Valerie. We also went out on a couple dates." Danny sighed. "But then she called it off, said she just wanted us to be friends. And that was it."
Danny looked out the window. Why were all of these memories still so painful? Would he ever get over this heartache?
"I'm sorry to hear that," said Brandan gently. "I know how hard that can be."
Danny continued looking out the window, at all the cars passing by on the busy street.
"You say that you don't ask girls out anymore because you're tired of being rejected," said Brandan. "So do you think that because a couple girls in the past rejected you, every girl in the future will also reject you?"
Danny shrugged. "It seems that way."
"That's perfect."
Danny turned away from the window and frowned at Brandan.
"That leads right in to your next most common thinking error." Brandan grabbed Danny's tally sheet from off his desk. "You can probably guess what it is, right?"
Danny didn't have to think long. "Overgeneralization?"
"That's right." Brandan held up the tally sheet and pointed to a row of marks. "Do you want to summarize it for us right now?"
"I actually don't," said Danny, his tone dull.
"Well. Then I guess I'll do the honors. As I usually do." Brandan set the tally sheet in his lap. "Overgeneralization refers to when you take one negative thing that happens and make predictions about the future based on it. As an example, if you try out for a sports team but don't get picked, you then believe that you will never be good enough to be picked and never try out again. Or if you fail a test you studied for, you might assume that studying is a waste of time because you'll just fail again. Essentially, you view something as a pattern that's going to keep happening forever even if it's only ever happened to you once or twice."
Danny nodded.
"So what's our first step here to combat this particular thinking error?" asked Brandan.
Danny slouched, stretching his legs out in front of him. "Identify it," he muttered.
"That's right," said Brandan, sounding pleased. "And we already have a personal example of yours to work with. Or do you have another example you'd like us to discuss instead?"
"I don't really want to talk about any of my personal examples."
"Well, we certainly don't have to talk about your own examples." Brandan tapped his chin with one finger. "I'm sure I could come up with something about Danny Phantom."
Danny rolled his eyes. "Again with Danny Phantom. You're as obsessed with him as my mom is."
"Does her obsession with him bother you, Danny?"
Danny scowled. "The example where I overgeneralize my experience with girls is fine."
"Thanks," said Brandan. "It really is perfect."
Danny shrugged.
"So we've done the first step," said Brandan. "We've identified the thinking error as overgeneralization. Because you've experienced a couple rejections, you perceive that as a pattern that will continue for every girl you meet rather than just two isolated incidents. So now, what's step two?"
"Examine the evidence," said Danny automatically.
"Right," said Brandan. "We need to take a look at the evidence that this rejection will be a pattern that continues into the future. So what's the first piece of evidence?"
Danny pursed his lips. "I mean, don't you already know? We literally just talked about it."
"Yes, but I'm trying to get you to do more of the work this time," said Brandan. "Will you do this for me, please?"
"Do I have a choice?"
"You always have a choice, Danny. But I hope that you would choose to try to get better at reframing your thinking errors."
Brandan smiled at him, so politely. Almost infuriating.
"Fine," said Danny. "First piece of evidence is Paulina rejecting me not just once but twice."
"Hmm." Brandan nodded. "Next piece of evidence?"
Danny furrowed his brow. "You don't want to talk through this one first?"
"We'll save that for step three; let's just gather all the evidence first."
"Okay." Danny looked up for a moment, thinking. "Valerie seemed really into me for a while. Like I was all set to ask her to go steady with me. And then she just…calls it off, says she just wants us to be friends." He paused. "But even that never really happened. We don't talk or hang out anymore. I don't even get texts from her anymore."
"Have you tried texting her?"
"I used to. But she started giving really clipped responses, and then she just kind of…stopped replying at all."
Danny clutched at the front of his shirt, trying to somehow ease the ache in his chest. This was so dumb, he and Valerie never even kissed. He shouldn't be feeling this way about her.
Should statement.
HEY knock it off, wrong thinking error right now.
"And that's it, right?" asked Brandan. "That's all the evidence you have for this thinking error?"
He sounded almost dismissive, like the examples Danny gave really were just so insufficient.
And he couldn't let Brandan win that easily.
"Actually, no," said Danny, straightening up. "There's more evidence."
Brandan raised a brow. "Really?"
"Yeah," said Danny. "I was asked to judge this beauty pageant at our school once, and that entire week, all the girls were fighting for my attention, giving me gifts, going on dates with me. At least half of them made out with me, some even let me get to first base."
"Sounds like a fun week," said Brandan, smiling.
"Yeah. It was." Danny paused. "And then after the pageant was over, they just…went back to pretending I didn't exist." He looked down at his lap, turning his hands over. "They were all just trying to win me over, hoping I'd choose them as the winner. And once it was done and I no longer had anything to offer them, they just…rejected me."
He suddenly had no idea why he thought he should admit all of this. Why did he think this would somehow make him the winner here? Why did he want to prove to Brandan that he wasn't actually overgeneralizing anything and this, for once, was real?
God, he wished it wasn't real.
"That's tough," said Brandan. "I'd have a really hard time not overgeneralizing that experience either."
"So you still think I'm overgeneralizing?" asked Danny. "Even with the multiple examples I just gave you?"
Brandan folded his arms and exhaled through his nose. He stayed quiet for a few beats before speaking again. "It's harder to accept that a conclusion is an overgeneralization when it's happened more than once. More than a couple times, even. But that doesn't mean it's definitely going to happen every time you form a connection with a girl. It doesn't prove there's a pattern that's going to keep happening no matter what you do."
"How many times does it have to happen before you'd consider it a pattern?" asked Danny, not intending to be rude.
Brandan stared at Danny a moment before smiling softly. "I don't think there's any magic number of times something can happen before you can definitely say it's a pattern."
Danny threw up his hands and let them fall on the sofa with a thud. "If it's not a pattern, then why does it keep happening to me?" he asked, his voice raspy.
"Well, that's the next step," said Brandan. "Talk through each example, examine the context for each, see if there's something that can explain why they happened the way they did that doesn't have to do with something you did." He smiled. "I have a hunch that all of your examples had some very unusual circumstances that were out of your control."
Danny raised a brow. "What makes you say that?"
"Because after talking to you a few times now, I otherwise can't imagine why you'd be unable to keep a girl's interest."
Danny lowered his gaze. "You still don't know me that well."
"Maybe. But I also know you better than you think I do."
Danny looked up again, no idea how to respond.
"So walk me through each example," said Brandan. "The first time Paulina rejected you, what were the circumstances?"
"Sam called her shallow," said Danny. "Paulina didn't like that, so she thought Sam maybe had feelings for me and decided to go to the school dance with me as revenge, thinking she was stealing me from Sam. And then when she found out later that Sam actually didn't have any feelings like that for me, she decided to dump me." He paused. "Or at least, that's what Sam told me that Paulina told her."
"I see," said Brandan. "So if that is true, it sounds like it was never really about you. Paulina wasn't rejecting you, she was never actually serious about being with you in the first place."
Danny pouted. "That doesn't exactly make me feel better."
"Sorry." Brandan chuckled. "I just mean that it's nothing you did, you were just caught in the middle of petty teenage girl drama. You didn't deserve what happened, what she did to you."
Danny thought back to that moment when he asked Paulina to the school dance, the ghostly amulet that fell out of his backpack and the way Paulina's eyes lit up when she saw it, so of course he had to give it to her. But when he later realized the amulet turned her into a dragon every time she got angry, he had to take it back.
"Maybe I did deserve it," he murmured.
"Why would you say that?" asked Brandan.
"Well, I gave her this…necklace she really liked," said Danny. "I guess I was trying to bribe her to get her to go to the school dance with me. But then I found out that it—uh—actually belonged to someone else, so I had to ask for it back." He rubbed his neck. "She didn't really like that, especially when I told her it belonged to another girl." He paused. "I told her it belonged to Sam, actually. And it made her pretty mad."
"Hmm. So it's possible she already felt rejected by you first," said Brandan.
"That also doesn't make me feel any better."
"Heartbreak is hard to deal with." Brandan smiled, but he looked somewhat sad. "Believe me, I know."
Danny tilted his head, wondering what heartbreak of his own Brandan might've been recalling.
"But bottom line, it sounds like your first relationship with Paulina wasn't built on anything real to begin with," said Brandan. "You had no control over what she did because her reason for going out with you wasn't about you at all. Even if she was hurt when you asked for the necklace back, it was perhaps more a blow to her ego and not because she actually wanted you to like her."
"Yeah," said Danny in a low voice. "She was just using me."
"Which wasn't your fault, Danny."
Danny looked down at his lap and dragged his nails over his jeans.
"So what about the second time Paulina rejected you?" Brandan shifted in his chair. "Talk me through what happened there."
Danny looked off to the side, wondering how he could possibly explain how Kitty overshadowed Paulina in order to trick him into dating her.
"She was forced to go out with me," said Danny. "I mean, she didn't actually want to go out with me at all, but another girl made her do it so she could make her own boyfriend jealous. And then as soon as that other girl left her alone, Paulina was able to call it off." Danny looked over at Brandan again. "So we were both being used."
Brandan's brows pinched. "How was forcing Paulina to date you supposed to make the other girl's boyfriend jealous?"
"Uh, well, I guess somehow it made sense to her," said Danny, his mouth feeling dry.
"It's a rather interesting story," said Brandan. "Definitely not what I was expecting. Do you often get involved in strange drama like this?"
Danny smiled, sheepishly, awkwardly. "Yeah, I kind of do. Just, uh…for reasons I can't really tell you."
"But it sounds like this was once again something out of your control," said Brandan. "Once again, Paulina's reason for being with you wasn't about you. You were just caught in the middle of someone else's feud."
"Yeah," said Danny. "I guess so."
"So there's no ongoing pattern here so far," said Brandan. "Just highly unusual circumstances each time. At most, you could say there's a pattern when you try to date Paulina, but it's not a pattern you can apply to all girls."
"But she's not the only one who's rejected me."
"Right. Yes. So tell me what happened with Valerie."
Danny sighed and flipped through the memories in his head, trying to find the right words. "Valerie had gone through a lot before we started dating," he said quietly. "Her dad lost his job, and… Well, it was kind of my fault." He paused. "But she doesn't know that."
"Was it actually your fault, or are you personalizing something again, Danny?" asked Brandan.
Danny recalled that day at Axion Labs when he was chasing Cujo the ghost dog through the facility, breaking through the high-tech security system Valerie's father had developed and destroying thousands of dollars' worth of equipment.
"I, uh, broke some things where her dad worked," said Danny. "Some very expensive things, and his boss fired him because of it." He rubbed his upper arm. "But no one knows it was me who did it."
"Is this more of that drama that seems to follow you around?" asked Brandan with a smile.
"You could definitely say that," said Danny, also smiling. "But anyway, Valerie and her dad had to move out of their house into a small apartment, and Valerie took on some part-time jobs to help her dad out."
He still remembered that first time he saw her in her new ghost-hunting suit, the way she so viciously pursued and attacked him as Phantom, screaming at him.
"Her dad eventually got his job back, but Valerie was never the same person as before," said Danny. "We went out a couple times, but then she suddenly called it off right when I was thinking things were getting serious between us."
She hated Phantom, but when he was just Danny, he could never forget the way she smiled at him, how she listened to anything and everything he had to say and even laughed at his corniest jokes, like she really found him interesting and just enjoyed being with him.
"She said her life was too complicated for us to be anything other than friends," said Danny, lowering his gaze. "But then she never really talked to me again after that."
"You really have had a rough time with girls, haven't you?" said Brandan, sounding sympathetic.
Danny shrugged and kept his eyes down.
"But once again, this sounds like something out of your control," Brandan continued. "Let me ask: Is she dating anyone right now? To your knowledge, has she ever dated anyone else after you?"
Danny sucked the inside of his cheek as he tried to remember if he had ever seen Valerie showing affection to another person in the Casper High halls or anywhere else around town. But no, she was almost always alone when he saw her.
"I don't think so," said Danny. "I think she's stayed single this whole time."
"Then it sounds like her decision to call off the relationship had nothing to do with you," said Brandan. "She might've done the same with any other guy. It was about her and making a choice for herself. It probably wasn't because she just didn't like being with you."
Danny groaned and pressed his palm to his forehead. "I just really liked her."
"I can tell," said Brandan. "But I hope you can see how you can't overgeneralize based on this example either."
Danny sighed and lowered his hand. "I just wish I could take back what I did. If we could've gotten to know each other before her dad lost his job, before her life became so 'complicated,' maybe things could've worked out."
"Things are what they are, Danny," said Brandan. "You can't know for sure how things might've worked out if the circumstances were different. Imagining an alternate past isn't going to help you."
Danny lay his head back against the sofa. "I know, I know," he muttered.
"So what about your last example? The girls in the beauty pageant you judged," said Brandan. "Walk me through that."
Danny's eyelids fluttered briefly with the memory, how Dora the dragon ghost princess disguised herself as the host for a beauty pageant at Casper High, how she picked Danny to be the judge, how it was all a ruse to find a bride for her brother in his isolated Ghost Zone kingdom. Danny had been so caught up in all the attention the contestants were giving him that he couldn't even see what was really going on.
"It's another case where they were all using me, I guess," murmured Danny. "But the thing is, I knew they were using me. And I actually liked it. I encouraged it, even. I took advantage of how badly they wanted to win." He paused. "It's just, I had never been popular with girls before. But I guess I was just using them, too. They baked me cookies, they did my homework, they wanted to be with me." He blushed. "And as I said before, many of them actually made out with me. Like it was nice to have girls hanging on me instead of ignoring me."
"I can certainly understand that," said Brandan.
"Yeah." Danny looked down at his lap for a moment, twisting one of his fingers. "So I just kept letting them use me like that, but when the time came for me to pick a winner, I… Well, I didn't choose any of them." He smirked to himself, rolling his eyes as he recalled that whole fiasco. "I actually ended up choosing Sam as the winner."
"Sam? Really?" Brandan smiled. "How did the other girls take that, choosing your own friend to be the winner?"
"They weren't happy." Danny laughed, but it felt hollow. "And honestly, what did I expect, right? Of course none of them would want anything to do with me after that."
He held his elbows and looked off to the side.
"Maybe if I had picked one of them to be the winner, maybe that girl would've still liked me," he said.
"That whole situation was just setting you up for heartbreak, Danny," said Brandan. "There was no coming out on top in the end because you could only choose one girl to be the winner, meaning the other girls were going to be upset no matter what. And the one girl you might've chosen other than Sam, there's no way to know how she might've treated you after winning."
Danny sighed. "You're right."
Brandan smiled, straightening in his seat. "Really? You actually think I'm right for once?"
Danny shot him a quick glare before sighing again. "I can just see now that…that all those situations, those rejections, they were…unusual. And I know I can't just avoid girls because I'm too afraid of getting rejected again." He paused. "Because then I'll never find anyone."
"Exactly," said Brandan. "And honestly, I wish I could tell you that there was some magic way to avoid heartbreak, but there really isn't. Because you can't control what other people do." He rubbed his upper arm, his hand moving under the short sleeve of his polo shirt. "But not giving love a chance because you're afraid of getting hurt again—I mean, it's just no way to live."
"Have you ever had your heart broken?" asked Danny, trying to discern Brandan's body language and the clouded look in his eyes.
Brandan stopped rubbing his arm and clasped his hands in his lap. "Oh, yes. I daresay that's a universal human experience, and I have many clients who make that exact same overgeneralization and swear off love and relationships altogether. But overgeneralizing something like that just means you end up alone. And I don't think that's what you want, is it?"
"No," said Danny, shaking his head. "But what happened to you?"
Brandan didn't respond right away. "Maybe someday I'll tell you." He swiveled in his chair and leaned forward. "But for now, this is your hour, not mine."
Danny nodded his understanding and looked out the window, thinking for a moment. "I know I have a problem with overgeneralizing," he said quietly. "I do it with a lot of experiences I have."
He often had trouble motivating himself to study because he always seemed to fail any test he did try to study for. Why bother doing all that work just to get the same low score?
And ghosts, he always assumed every new ghost he encountered was set on hurting or using people in his town, selfish and obsessed entities that just wanted to destroy or take over the human dimension. But that wasn't always true, many ghosts were harmless, even altruistic, simply wanting to exist in peace. And yet he was still on his guard and sometimes punched first before asking questions.
And driving…
"Like whenever I drive, I'm always thinking back to the first time my mom took me driving and it was a complete disaster," said Danny. "I did everything wrong and she yelled at me."
She hit him too, but Danny opted to leave out that detail.
"So now every time she makes me drive, I panic and try to get out of it," continued Danny. "Because I don't want to do everything wrong and make her mad again. Even though actually, I usually drive just fine. It was just that first time that I really screwed up."
"Are you overgeneralizing the mistakes you make when driving?" asked Brandan. "Or how your mom might react?"
"Both, I guess," said Danny. "Because it happened when I took my driving test too, like I panicked because I was worried about doing everything wrong like I always do."
"You took your driving test?" Brandan grinned. "How did it go?"
Danny groaned. "I failed. Of course I did."
"Now why would you say that?"
"Because I always—" Danny stopped himself and rolled his eyes. "Okay, yeah, I can see I'm overgeneralizing again. But the very first thing I did was pull out of the parking spot and hit the car that was next to me, so from there I just felt like…what was the point, you know? I already failed with just that mistake alone; there was no way the examiner was going to give me a pass even if I did everything else right."
"Hmm. You think so, huh?" asked Brandan, smiling and folding his arms.
"And it's not like I tried to do everything else wrong, but I did," said Danny. "I ran a red light, I didn't stop at a crosswalk, I couldn't even parallel park."
Danny slumped on the couch, his arms falling limply next to his thighs as he gazed up at the ceiling. He hadn't expected to tell Brandan any of this, but venting felt so good that he couldn't stop once he started.
"I don't see the point in trying to get my license ever again," he muttered. "I just feel like there's no possible way for me to ever pass." He paused. "But I know that's overgeneralizing. I know I can't just never try again just because I failed so horrifically the first time."
"You're right," said Brandan. "You can't let that one bad experience hold you back like that."
"But if my mom didn't force me to take it again, I'm honestly not sure if I would." Danny sat up straight again and sighed. "That's usually what happens: Someone makes me do something that I'm afraid of screwing up again, and…sometimes, it eventually works out."
"I'm glad you have people who can push you to do things even when you're feeling held back by an overgeneralization," said Brandan. "And I hope eventually that you can start pushing yourself to do those things by reframing your bad experiences and not seeing them as a pattern you're doomed to repeat over and over."
Danny nodded, not looking at Brandan. He really hoped so, too. It wasn't like he enjoyed having so little confidence in himself.
"I think we've said enough about this thinking error for now," said Brandan, checking the time. "Would it be all right if we moved on to a new one?"
"Okay," said Danny, also looking at the clock.
"Wanna guess what it is?"
"I don't even remember which ones we haven't discussed yet."
Brandan laughed. "Yeah, we've gone over quite a few now." He picked up the tally sheet. "Next is catastrophizing. Remember that one?"
"Yeah," said Danny. "That's when you think the world's gonna end just because one little thing goes wrong."
"Right, making a mountain out of a molehill kind of deal," said Brandan. "Getting into more detail, it's when you look at a negative event or happening and imagine it to be a much bigger deal than it is. A hypochondriac may get a headache and believe that it's a symptom of a brain tumor, even if it is highly improbable. Or someone who makes a small mistake at work becomes convinced they're going to be fired over it. Or a religious person may interpret a particular natural disaster as the beginning of the end of the world, like you said. Basically, it's when you get unnecessarily worked up about the worst case scenario instead of recognizing that it's probably not going to get as bad as what you're imagining."
Danny nodded in understanding.
"And it doesn't have to be a negative event," continued Brandan. "It can be a character flaw, too. Not just something that happens but something about you. For example, someone who feels awkward and nervous around people might catastrophize that to mean that they're incapable of making friends. Or someone who has trouble focusing on schoolwork might catastrophize that to mean they're going to fail the whole class." Brandan paused. "Or someone who struggles to get straight A's like his sister might catastrophize that to mean he'll never amount to anything, that his parents will forever view him as an embarrassment and disappointment."
Danny looked at Brandan, his heart racing. Brandan smiled pleasantly.
"Do you ever feel that way, Danny?" he asked.
Memories flashed through Danny's head, all the times his parents raved about yet another A that Jazz got on her latest test while Danny stood right next to her, afraid to announce that he got a D on his own test.
"I can't remember a time when I didn't feel that way," murmured Danny.
His teachers, too. Lancer never even looked surprised when he handed Danny his latest graded essay with a large C or D drawn at the top in red.
"Every new semester, I think 'this is it, I can do it this time,'" said Danny. "I think that I can study and do all my homework on time and at least get all B's this time, maybe a few A's if I really try. But then I always get that first C or that first D, and…it's like it's all over. I feel like I can never come back from that, like I've totally ruined my grade average for the whole semester and there's no point even trying to raise it with better grades. I just give up."
Danny could feel his throat closing with emotion, his chest tightening.
"And my parents just get more and more frustrated and try grounding me or tutoring me, but it just never seems to work. And then they give up on me, too. And I end up just barely passing the class like always." He paused. "And they reward Jazz for her good grades at the end of the semester, usually with a raise in her allowance or taking us to her favorite restaurant. And I always get nothing. Because I don't deserve anything for just passing; that's not an achievement."
"Are you often so concerned with what your parents think of you?" asked Brandan.
"Yes," said Danny, his voice dropping to just above a whisper. "It seems like…so much of what I do is for them. Or sometimes what I don't do."
"What do you mean by that?"
The day he got his ghost powers, he wanted to tell his parents. He meant to tell them. But he was so afraid of what they'd say, how they'd react, what they'd do to him. He needed them more than ever in that moment and yet couldn't bring himself to make them angry. And now it was far too late to tell them what happened.
"I just mean…that I lie to them," said Danny. "All the time. They don't even know it, but I'm just so scared to tell them the truth."
"The truth about what?"
Danny hesitated. "I can't tell you that."
Brandan folded his arms but did not respond.
"But there have been so many times that I've put pressure on myself to be what they want." Danny paused. "Or to keep them together."
"Keep them together?" echoed Brandan, raising a brow.
"Yeah," said Danny. "I worry about them getting a divorce sometimes."
"Why is that something you'd be worried about?"
"Because it's almost happened before," blurted Danny. "Or, at least, I mean… I thought it almost happened. Because my dad forgets my mom's anniversary every year, and one time my mom seemed so mad about it she went out of town. And then my dad followed after her, and I remember just cleaning the whole house like crazy because I didn't want my mom to be any angrier at my dad if she came home and it was a mess."
"Danny, you really put that on yourself?" asked Brandan.
"I didn't know what else to do." Danny clutched at his shirt. "I don't know, I was freaking out. My mom actually used the word 'divorce,' and I—I was scared."
"But you know it wouldn't be your fault if they did get divorced, don't you?" asked Brandan.
"No, but it was," said Danny. "I mean, it almost was. I—I thought it was. Because my dad actually got my mom a gift and then I—I was so stupid—I lost it." Danny paused. "And I thought…that was it. That I had destroyed everything, that my dad wasn't going to be able to give my mom that gift and they'd end up getting divorced because of it."
Danny shuddered, breathing deep and trying to calm his fluttering chest.
"And I really thought it would be all my fault," he whispered.
"That definitely sounds like catastrophizing, Danny," said Brandan. "In addition to some pretty serious personalizing."
Danny bent over and covered his face with his hands, unable to respond.
"Danny?" prodded Brandan.
Danny shook his head and sat up straight again, uncovering his face but not looking at Brandan. "Sorry. This isn't the example I want to talk about right now. It's just…a little too personal. I guess."
"That's all right," said Brandan. "We don't have to talk about it. But I must admit that it does concern me, Danny. And I hope you can see how that is definitely several thinking errors at work."
Danny shrugged, still not looking at Brandan.
"If you don't want to talk about it right now, I encourage you to walk through it on your own sometime," said Brandan. "And if you change your mind and would like me to help you reframe that experience, I'll be here for you."
Danny's shoulders tensed but he did not reply.
"But we do still need to go over a personal example of catastrophizing," said Brandan. "Is that all right with you?"
Danny paused before nodding.
"Do you have a personal example in mind?"
Danny shook his head.
"Well. When you were telling me about how you failed your driving test, you mentioned that when you first started the test and hit the car next to you while pulling out of the parking spot, you were sure you already failed with that mistake alone." Brandan raised a brow. "Remember telling me that?"
"Yes," said Danny.
"You said even if you did everything else right, you didn't think there was any way the examiner would pass you."
"You remember all of that?"
"I have to have a good memory to be in this profession."
Brandan smiled pleasantly. Danny suppressed an eye roll.
"You see how that's an example of catastrophizing, right?" said Brandan. "Is it all right if we walk through it?"
"Okay," said Danny in monotone.
"That takes care of the first step, then," said Brandan. "We've identified your belief that you already completely failed the exam simply because of one mistake in the very beginning as an example of catastrophizing. You made that one mistake a much bigger deal than it probably was."
"But that wasn't the only mistake I made," said Danny. "It was the first of many."
"But don't you think it's possible that you were already so defeated and convinced that you ruined the whole test that you weren't able to focus enough to do better on the rest of the test?" asked Brandan.
"I—" Danny scoffed. "Maybe. I don't know."
"I think you do know, Danny."
Danny glared at him, not appreciating the accusation despite Brandan's kind and polite tone.
"Did you continue to try your very best after making the first mistake?" asked Brandan.
Danny sighed and leaned over slightly, pressing the knuckles of one hand against his forehead. He could still remember that very moment he pulled out of the parking spot and clipped the back of the car next to him, the dread in his stomach, the zing in his chest. And he wanted nothing more than to phase out through the roof and fly away because there was no way he could come back from that.
"No," he muttered. "I just wanted to quit right then and there. And maybe I would've if I didn't think my mom would be pissed."
"You really care how your mom feels about things, don't you?"
Danny lifted his head and stared at Brandan, blinking a couple times.
"So let's examine the evidence now," said Brandan, swiveling in his chair and switching the crossed position of his legs. "What evidence might support this catastrophizing?"
"Well," said Danny dully. "I did fail the test."
"Mmm hmm. What else?"
"And the examiner kind of sucked her teeth when it happened, like 'oh, that's not good.' And she had to get out to look at the damage before we could get back to the test."
"Okay. Anything else?"
Danny thought for a moment. "I guess that's it."
"Good, good." Brandan nodded. "So talk me through each piece of evidence, starting with how you did in fact fail the test."
"I—" Danny huffed. "What else is there to say about that? I failed."
"But did you fail based solely on that one mistake?"
Danny's chest deflated as he sank into the couch. "I don't know. Maybe?"
"No, Danny. Come on, you have to talk through this," said Brandan. "Let me make this easier for you. Do you think you're not allowed to make any mistakes when taking the driving test? Do you think they only give licenses to people who drive one hundred percent perfectly?"
Danny pressed his lips. "No. Obviously they must allow some mistakes or else no one would ever get their license."
"Exactly," said Brandan.
"But it probably depends on the mistake, right?" said Danny. "I mean, I think running a red light might be enough on its own to fail you."
"But all you did was tag the back of a car while pulling out of a parking space," said Brandan. "Would you really put that in the same category as running a red light?"
"I…" Danny shrugged. "Maybe?"
"Danny, did tagging the back of that car endanger anyone's life?"
Danny kicked at the floor with the toe of his shoe. "No," he mumbled.
"Then don't you think it's possible that you might've still passed the test if that had been the only mistake you made?"
Danny didn't answer for a beat. "I guess."
"You basically doomed yourself," said Brandan. "You truly believed you had already failed after that first mistake, and then you fulfilled that prophecy because you were so worked up about it. You even said that you didn't see the point in continuing the test after you made that mistake."
"No," said Danny. "And I don't really see the point in taking it ever again."
"So you're overgeneralizing it, too," said Brandan.
Danny sighed.
"So we've debunked that first piece of evidence," said Brandan. "Even though you did fail, it probably wasn't based solely on that first mistake."
"Yeah, I definitely made tons of other mistakes," muttered Danny.
"You'll do better next time."
Brandan smiled at him. Danny stared back but did not return the smile.
"Let's go over the next piece of evidence," said Brandan. "You said the examiner acted like your mistake was a really bad one and had to get out of the car to assess the damage. Did she actually say that the mistake was enough to fail you?"
"No," said Danny. "She didn't actually say anything at all, she just sucked her teeth and then got out of the car to look."
"And then she got back in the car?"
Danny hesitated. "Yes…"
"And why did she get back in the car?"
"Um." Danny scratched his neck. "To continue the test."
"And why was she letting you continue the test?"
Danny stared at Brandan, who simply smiled back at him.
"Because…" Danny shrugged. "I mean, it just started."
"But if you had already failed, why would she waste her own time by letting you continue?"
No answer came to Danny's head immediately, his mouth hanging open with no words to say.
"Do you think it's possible that she allowed you to continue because hitting the back of that car wasn't enough to fail you?" asked Brandan. "That she was allowing you to continue because she believed you could still pass and get your driver's license?"
"I… I don't know," mumbled Danny. "Maybe she was just letting me continue out of pity."
"Okay, maybe," said Brandan. "That could be true, I suppose. But do you agree that there is also a positive explanation for it?"
Danny thought for a moment. "I guess it's possible."
Brandan lightly clapped his hands. "Okay. Making progress here."
Danny sighed and lowered his gaze to the floor.
"What's on your mind?" asked Brandan.
"I don't want to take the test again," muttered Danny. "My mom's going to make me take it again, but I just…really don't want to."
"Are you overgeneralizing or catastrophizing right now?" asked Brandan, checking the clock. "We have some time to talk through this real quick."
Danny groaned. "I hear what you're saying, about not overgeneralizing or catastrophizing. I really do. I get it. But…" He paused. "I just really don't want to fail and disappoint my mom again. I just can't do that to her a second time."
"You say you don't want to disappoint your mom," said Brandan, "but what about you? Would you feel disappointed if you failed again?"
Danny considered the question sincerely, quietly thinking it over before responding. "I really don't need to drive. I, uh… I have another way I like to get around instead."
"What other way?" asked Brandan.
Danny's mouth twitched upward for a brief second. Flying. He really loved flying. Didn't matter if it was at night beneath the stars or during the day with the sun on his back. Soaring through the air always felt magical, spectacular.
Why would he ever want to drive when he could fly?
"Just… It's a different way." Danny cleared his throat. "So, I mean, I guess I'd maybe feel like a loser if I failed again, but I don't think I'd be disappointed about still not being able to drive on my own."
"I see," said Brandan. "So your main concern is how your mom might react and not the failure itself."
Danny drew up his tensed shoulders.
"Have you always been this concerned with what your mom thinks of you?" asked Brandan.
Danny hesitated. "I just feel like I kind of owe it to her to…try to be what she wants."
"Why do you feel you owe that to her?"
"Because…she's always looking out for me." Danny gripped his elbows. "She's done so much for me, and she's never made me do anything that she didn't truly feel was best for me. Making me get my license, I know that she's just doing it for my benefit, not hers. She thinks I need it."
"Have you told her that you don't think you need it?" asked Brandan.
Danny shook his head. "She wouldn't understand. She wouldn't believe it. It's… It's just really hard to explain."
Brandan hummed but did not try to ask for elaboration.
"And I hate wasting her time," said Danny, his voice breaking. "Or her money. Which is why I hate coming here."
"Because you think you're just wasting her money here with me," said Brandan, a statement and not a question.
Danny nodded.
"So you don't believe me when I say that I think you've been doing better since you started talking to me?" asked Brandan.
Danny sighed. "I don't know what to believe."
"Wouldn't you rather believe me than not believe me?" asked Brandan. "Don't you want it to be true? You do want to improve and feel better, don't you?"
"I do," said Danny quietly.
"I wouldn't lie to you, Danny," said Brandan. "I really wouldn't."
The silence that followed was still, somber. Danny could not find any words to respond, nothing formed in his head. Only a strange contemplative feeling he couldn't describe.
Brandan glanced at the clock. "Our time is up. I look forward to talking to you again next Monday."
Danny mustered a nod but still couldn't speak.
Maddie was not waiting out in the lobby. Outside, Danny didn't even check to see if his mother's car was waiting for him in the parking lot and started heading down the stairs, one at a time, slowly, his mind still turning over everything from his conversation with Brandan.
wouldn't you rather believe that maybe you are getting better?
He still hated therapy. He still wanted to quit once he satisfied his end of the deal with his mother.
But did that mean he actually hoped to get nothing at all out of therapy? Did he really want to be right about therapy not being able to help him?
He didn't actually want to remain so broken and miserable.
So why was he so resistant to possibly being proven wrong about the usefulness of therapy?
Danny neared the bottom of the stairs, his shoes thudding on each step. The door to the pizza restaurant just a few feet ahead of him pushed open from the inside. Danny raised his head and froze when he saw who walked out.
Dash tugged at the front of his letterman jacket, straightening the seams on his shoulders as the restaurant door swung shut behind him. He looked forward before turning his head and finally noticing Danny.
"Fenturd." Dash's eyes traveled up the stairs behind Danny, dawning with realization as he smirked. "Oh, I see. You're not working at the pizza restaurant here. You're seeing a shrink, aren't you?"
Danny couldn't move, couldn't breathe. He stared at Dash, his chest pounding, nerves tingling all over.
Out of the corner of his eye, he could see Dash's Mustang still parked in the same spot. How could he have forgotten he saw it earlier? Why didn't he check to see if it was still there before he started heading down the stairs?
"Aw, is life just so hard for little Fenton?" asked Dash with a mock pout. "Does therapy help him cope with all the bullying and rejection from girls every single day?"
Danny sucked in a breath and forced himself to move, hopping off the stairs and heading toward the parking lot at a brisk pace.
"Hey, Fenton, where are you going?" Dash started following him. "Don't you want to tell me all about how therapy is helping you?"
"Leave me alone, Dash," said Danny without looking back.
"Aw, come on, don't be like that." Dash was still walking behind him. "I really want to know."
The front driver side door of Maddie's car opened as Danny approached, and Maddie stepped out. "What's going on here?"
Danny halted, and he could hear Dash just a couple steps behind him doing the same.
"Dash?" Maddie frowned. "What are you doing here?"
"Mrs. Fenton!" Dash smiled. "You look lovely today."
"Cut the flattery and answer my question," ordered Maddie.
Dash pointed a thumb back toward the restaurant. "I was just grabbing a slice when I saw Fen—Danny here and just wanted to say hi."
"That's all, huh?" Maddie put her hands on her hips.
"Yeah, we're practically buds now," said Dash. "Right, Danny?"
Danny kept his head down and said nothing. But he could feel his mother studying him very hard.
"Get in the car, Danny," said Maddie. "And Dash, don't think for a second I won't call your parents and the school if I ever see you here bothering my son again."
"I wouldn't dream of it, Mrs. Fenton," said Dash.
Danny opened the front passenger side door and caught Dash grinning at him, giving him a small wave. Danny ignored it and climbed into the car. Maddie lowered herself into the driver's seat next to him.
"Danny." Maddie's tone was concerned but firm. "Is Dash still bullying you?"
Danny shook his head. "No, Mom," he muttered.
"Danny, I need you to tell me the truth."
"Can we please just go?"
Dash was still watching them through the front windshield. Maddie put the car in reverse and pulled out of the parking lot.
"What was Dash doing here?" asked Maddie. "Did he know you were going to be here?"
"Kids at school like the pizza here," said Danny. "It was just a coincidence that he saw me."
"What did he say to you?"
"Nothing."
"Danny."
"Nothing," Danny said more forcefully. "Things have been a little tense between us ever since you reported him, but he really doesn't hurt me anymore."
Maddie's lips thinned as she put on her turn signal and watched the traffic for a few silent moments. Danny shifted in his seat, his stomach fluttering. The last thing he wanted was for his mom to call the school again and get Dash in more trouble. If Dash ended up being kicked off the football team for this, Danny knew he would be blamed. Dash would maybe even get the whole football team to come after him.
And it wasn't like he was actually afraid of Dash or the other jocks. He knew that he could use his ghost powers to get away or fight them off easily. But he wanted to avoid that situation at all costs. He could not risk anyone discovering his powers.
He'd probably sooner allow Dash to beat him up. Because that was better than the Guys in White taking him away for experimentation.
Or his own mother might—
Danny shuddered, not wanting to think about what Maddie might do to him if she were to discover he was a ghost hybrid. Most of his nightmares were of him waking up in the basement lab strapped to an examination table with his mother's orange goggles leering down at him.
"It really is fine, Mom," said Danny. "Things between me and Dash are fine."
"Would you tell me the truth?" asked Maddie. "If he was still hurting you?"
Maddie kept her eyes on the road ahead. Danny glanced at her before also looking out the front window.
"Yeah," he lied. "Of course."
Maddie sighed deeply. "I hope you're more honest with your therapist than you are with me."
Danny's gaze snapped back to her, but she still wouldn't look at him. Danny held his elbows and turned his whole body away from her to look out the side window.
Have you always been this concerned with what your mom thinks of you?
Yes! Danny wanted to scream back. Because don't you know she might kill me if she discovers something about me that she doesn't like or understand?
He didn't want to keep lying. But it was the only way he could protect himself. From Dash. From ghost hunters. From her.
Especially her.