Disclaimer: I do not own Tokyo Ghoul. It belongs to its rightful owners.

CHAPTER TEN: SADNESS

NANA

"Only a moment you stayed, but what an imprint your footprints have left on our hearts."
- Dorothy Ferguson

THE DAY OF Yumiko's birthday came faster than I'd expected it to.

I dressed up for the occasion. She didn't want it any other way, requesting that everyone cleaned up so that she could snap photos to put around her room. She wanted to have memories of her twentieth birthday. A girl only hit her twenties once, after all. A day filled with friends and family gathered to celebrate her was a day worth remembering.

I'd done my makeup a bit. I curled my hair to fall around my waist in purple-black waves. I even slid into a black dress fit for a nice birthday dinner. It was different than how casually I usually dressed. It even made me a bit nervous. Yet, it was Yumiko's wish, and I had no right to decline.

I hadn't wanted to walk to the restaurant in a dress. I called upon a taxi ahead of time to pick me up from my apartment building. He was there waiting when I left. With my keys, phone, and purse in tow, I made my way to meet up with everyone else. Just like how the taxi was waiting for me when I came out, Yumiko was waiting outside the restaurant for me. Her smile was the widest I had ever seen it. It was true happiness.

I was grateful that she cared about me enough to want to include me in her special day. Everyone was there. Her mother, her sister, and even Kouta sat at a table. We joined the rest of them. The pictures that we all took were far too many for my liking. But, as long as she was happy.

After my classes a few days later, I decided to go shopping. It was starting to cool down. Not too much, but enough to feel the breeze erect prickles on my arms. Autumn was the season of change. It reflected in the browning leaves on the trees. It blew through the wind conditions that summer lacked. Change, balance, and maturity was what the season brought with it. I was more than happy to see it happen.

People had yet to ditch their summer clothing. Students still wore their short-sleeved uniforms. Civilians hadn't exchanged their t-shirts for hoodies and jackets yet. At the same time, stores and buildings showed changes. Many stores displayed signs of pumpkin-flavored food and things that were usually found around this time.

I broke off into a small shop tucked between two larger ones. It's sign was simple and to the point. It didn't stand out too much from the crowd. Upon entry, I was greeted with the sight of wooden floors, bright walls, and dozens of book shelves. They displayed books in sorted categories. Posters and signs on the wall showed promotional titles and promises of sales. It was a quaint bookstore that I had discovered not too long ago. It was slowly becoming my favorite stop.

There was a boy at the register. He didn't stand out too much. He was all dark hair, dark eyes, and bored expressions as he typed away at his phone. I could only assume that he was a high school student taking up a part-time job. He looked young. Perhaps sixteen or seventeen at most. He glanced up to give me a curt nod in acknowledgement before looking back down at his phone.

I made my way further into the store. I was in search of more specific types of books. I needed something a little easier to read and follow along with. I didn't want one too graphic or beyond the teen rating. Yet, it still needed to be entertaining enough to divulge into. I did my best to pick out something that Hanami would like.

It was the least that I could do. I had got a text from Anzai that morning. He'd explained to me that Fueguchi Ryouko, Hinami's mother, had passed away a day or two a ago. My heart had instantly dropped. In all the times that I had been around Hinami, she hadn't mentioned anything about her father. All that I met was her mother. Her mother that loved her so dearly.

She was gone. I couldn't have imagined what Hinami felt like. I had never gone through the pain of losing a parent. Hell, not having both parents around. There wasn't much that I could do or say to comfort her. It was a wound that anyone might not ever recover from. Though, the least that I could do was try to make her feel better.

So, I'd made it my mission to find engaging stories. Some of them I had read before. Some of them I had not, only hearing positive reviews about them. In the end, I'd settled on four of them. That could be enough to occupy her time. I'd purchased them from the younger boy, and made my way to Anteiku.

I didn't bother asking Anzai or Yumiko to come with me. Yumiko didn't know Hinami. Anzai was busy more often than not. I wanted to be there for her when I could. Even if that meant going alone. To me, Hinami was a friend. No friend should have to go through that. There was no harm in just dropping it off.

Anteiku was nearly empty save for one group at a table by the window. Two baristas stood talking behind the counter. One of which I recognized as the owner. His thin eyes turned my way; he nodded a greeting. I did the same. Every time I came to Anteiku, he was there. He was always more than welcoming to me. Any friend of Anzai's was a friend here.

I went over to him at the counter. I put my notebook down on the counter, flipping to an empty page to write him a message. He watched me quietly. He knew that I was hard of hearing. It wouldn't have been the first time that I had to talk to him through the white pages. Thankfully, he didn't seem annoyed by it.

'Is Hinami here?' I wrote down. 'Can I see her? I bought her something to cheer her up.'

He didn't say anything. His bushy, white brows furrowed as if contemplating letting me upstairs. He usually didn't mind. However, this was the first time that I had came alone. Alone and without Anzai. He was the mutual friend that connected all of us together. I suddenly felt silly for asking.

He turned to the second barista. I had seen her a countless number of times before. She was around the same height as me with pale skin and beautiful dark blue eyes. Matching colored hair sat cut around her neck and parted to cover her right eye. I had caught her name before from Hideyoshi or Yumiko. I couldn't think of it now. Just that she had been working here longer than I had started coming.

She and the owner, Yoshimura, exchanged a few words. Her blue eyes slid over to look at me. Her thin brows pulled low into a frown as they narrowed. She said something to me. Her lips moved too fast for me to attempt to read. So, I pointed to my ear, and shook my head. Whatever she was trying to tell me, I couldn't hear it.

Yoshimura picked up the pen to write, 'I don't think now is a good time, Nana.'

I frowned. 'I'll be quick! I bought a few books to keep her company. I thought she'd like them,' I replied.

He shared a few words with the girl for a moment. With each passing sentence, her scowl seemed to get deeper and deeper. He gave me a nod of his head and pointed at the girl. She rolled her eyes. I would have assumed that she was glaring at me if I paid close enough attention. Tilting her head as if telling me to follow, she made her way to the stairs that led upstairs. I shot Yoshimura a grateful smile. They were going to let me through.

I followed behind the girl. She didn't bother to make a move to talk to me. She didn't even bother looking at me. She made her way through the dark hall towards the door that led to the room Hinami usually occupied. Her knuckles knocked on the door twice before she opened the door. I moved to go with her.

Hinami was the first thing that I noticed in the room. She laid across the dark couch pushed against the wall. Her entire form was wrapped around a brown blanket. She shook softly like she was crying. Our presence made her poke her head out from underneath the blanket. Her red-rimmed eyes looked up into mine, and I nearly wanted to cry for her.

Her hair was a mess. It was obvious that she hadn't bothered with it. Her cheeks were red and stained with fresh and dried tears. Her eyes were puffy. They lacked any innocent shine they'd once held in them. Her lip was trembling. The loss of her mother had thrown her into a mess.

I kneeled down by her where she laid. I balanced my notebook on my knee so that I could write to her. 'Are you okay?' I asked.

She shook her head. No. She wasn't okay.

It was justified. I knew nothing of what she was going through. She was up here all by herself crying her eyes out. I couldn't offer much. But, as she sat up to make space for me, and I wrapped my arms around her in a hug, I tried to do what I could. I could at least be there for her.

The girl hadn't moved from where she stood at the door. She crossed her arms over her chest, and leaned her hip against it. She must not have felt comfortable enough to leave me alone with Hinami. That was fine by me. I didn't have any ill will or intentions.

I passed Hinami the bag of books that I brought once she let me go. 'These are all some of my favorites, and a few I thought you would like,' I explained.

She gave me a weak smile. It didn't reach her eyes the slightest bit. She accepted the bag from me, nonetheless. Even if it could make her lips turn upwards for a moment, my job was done.

I watched as she dug the books out of the bag. She smiled at a few of them. She flipped some of them around to read the descriptions on the jackets of the books. They must have been decent enough to her liking. She gave me a mouthed thank you. I nodded in return. The books may not have changed her mood, but at least it made a tiny dent in it.

She moved to write on the page after a while. 'Where are your parents, Nana?'

I bit the inside of my cheek. I supposed she wanted some words of comfort. I wasn't really good at that, thus proven with my interactions with Kaneki lately.

'My mother is back home in Karuizawa. My father is in China. I think Hong Kong.'

'China?' Hinami raised a brow once she read my response. 'What is he doing in Hong Kong?'

I shrugged my shoulders lightly. 'He works out there. He left when I was really little and hasn't came back since. I don't talk to him to know much.'

She stared at the page as if wondering what to say next. Her lips turned in a small frown. 'My father died a long while ago,' she wrote. 'Now my mother is gone. I'm alone.'

My brows furrowed in concern. I didn't need to hear her voice to know how gloomy her words were. But, it was far from the truth. While she may have lost her mother, she wasn't alone. She would never truly be alone. There were many people who cared about her.

I snuck a glance over to the girl still leaning against the door frame. She had yet to leave us alone in the room. She must've cared. Even Yoshimura was worried about letting me see Hinami at her lowest. He must've cared. Anzai's message sounded sad when he texted me the news. He must've cared. I was here with her. I cared. There were so many people around her that she shouldn't have to feel alone.

'Hinami, you're not alone,' I wrote down. 'There are so many people who care about you. Like the manager, Anzai, Kaneki, your friend over there . . . And I'll be here for you, too.'

Her brown eyes watered on the verge of fresh tears. 'Really?'

'We're friends now. Friends don't leave friends when the going gets tough.'

The girl at the door came over to us. She leaned forward to skim over the page. She must have been curious to know what we were talking about. Hinami's eyes watering must have triggered it. I didn't mind, though. We weren't talking about anything she couldn't have known about. In fact, I was glad that she finally entered the room instead of watching.

I saw her shoulder shake with a chuckle as she wiped her eyes. 'Yeah. You're right.'

The blue-haired girl leaned forward to take the pen away from Hinami, her eyes narrowing with a glare. She wrote down heavily onto the paper, 'Don't promise her anything you don't know for sure?'

I looked up at her in confusion. What did she mean by that? I hadn't said anything that wasn't the truth. Yet, the coldness radiating off of her told me otherwise. She felt like I had stepped out of turn.

'What do you mean?' I asked.

'One day, you'll decide that you don't want to be around anymore. It's not fair to get Hinami's hopes up. Especially not right now,' the girl wrote back.

Get her hopes up? I wouldn't just up and stop talking to her, if that was what she was insinuating. I was pretty stubborn in that regard. I didn't believe on giving up on people. If I said that she was a friend now, that was just the way it was.

I shook my head. 'A friend is a friend. I stand behind every one of them.'

'Can you really say that?'

She stood up to her full height and sent me a glare. It wasn't one of hate or anger. It was one of accusation. She didn't know me well enough to make such claims. I didn't know her, either. She seemed like the protective type. There was no reason for her to feel guarded around me.

She was still holding the notebook in her hand. I couldn't even respond to her question. So, I stood up, too. We stood in front of each other . . . staring. She was a good inch shorter than me, not much, but I wouldn't back down. I could show her that I was serious without words or speaking.

Yes. I really can say that.

My attention broke away from her when someone else entered the room. Messy brown hair, a lazy stride, and hands buried in his pockets: Anzai. His half-lidded gaze shifted between the girl and I. His mouth moved to say something to her. She stared at him for a moment, then rolled her eyes. Anzai just smirked in response to her gesture.

She looked away as she held the notebook out to me. I took it from her. Bending down to write on the table, I held up my new message to her. Though, this time, I also reached out a hand for her to shake.

'My name is Akamine Nana. I'd like to get to know you, too, if you want another friend,' it read.

We didn't need to start off on such crazy terms. We didn't know each other. There was no need for questioning or backing down. I didn't mind getting to know her. I actually liked how fierce she was. More so since Hinami was concerned.

But, she didn't shake it. She stared at my hand for a moment before leaving the room. She didn't bother saying anything else. I looked down at my hand and sighed. Of course things wouldn't be that simple. I let it fall back down to my side.

Anzai shook his head, signing, "Don't mind her. She's a grump. I'm sure she'll come around one day. If fact, I think you guys might get along. One day."

I shrugged. "Maybe."

It didn't seem like our personalities matched up too well. It was okay. There was nothing wrong with that. If she wasn't open to the idea, I wouldn't push it.

I moved to sit back down by Hinami. She had seemingly ignored the entire exchange. She was skimming sadly over her new books again. I instantly felt bad for leaving her side. And as she leaned her head over to rest on my shoulder while she read her book, I remembered that there was more important things going on than the other girl. Hinami was hurting. That was all that mattered.

We sat there for hours. I had told Yoshimura that it would be a quick visit. Every time I moved to leave, Hinami protested. He hadn't came upstairs to tell me that it was time to go, either. So, we sat together in silence. A conversation would ensue on the pages every now and then. She was too wrapped up in her own thoughts to talk much.

Anzai had left the room thirty minutes ago. He had been leaning against the wall typing away at his phone the whole time. Even he didn't say much. I supposed the atmosphere in the room was too heavy for anything other than silence. With his headphones in, he glanced over at Hinami and I every now and then, and went back to his phone.

Eventually, Hinami had fell asleep after her last fit of tears. She had fell asleep on the other end of the couch curled up in a ball. Her book laid open and forgotten on the cushion beside her. I stood up to stretch my limbs and threw her blanket over her. I picked up the book and placed it on the table upside down so she wouldn't lose her page.

I felt so bad. I didn't know what to say or how to act. All I knew was that she had wanted me to stay. She didn't want to be left in the room alone. That was what I did. Now that she was asleep for the night-maybe-I was free to go until she summoned for me again. It was the least that I could do for her.

I left the room after that. However, in the hallway, I was met with the sight of the blue-haired girl walking towards the room. We stared at each other in silence for a few moments. What she did next shocked me. She let out what I assumed to be a huff and stuck her hand out towards me. A handshake. Her mouth moved slowly to mouth words to me.

Kirishima Touka.

That was what her name was. I had heard it once before, but I had forgotten it after everything that happened.

I smiled and shook her hand. There was no bad blood. We were just two stubborn girls who didn't know each other and wanted to be there for Hinami. We could get along as we did so. Maybe we could even get to know one another one day. Maybe one day.

I walked down the hall. Touka went off into the room where Hinami slept. It was her turn to keep her company. On the way down the stairs, I caught sight of someone walking up. It was Kaneki. He was clad in his uniform with his eyes focused ahead. His eyes turned to meet mine in a side glance. We said nothing as we passed each other.

I went home. I was tired both physically and emotionally. It took a lot to be there for Hinami. But, I was glad that I did. I was glad that I could be there in her time of need. Even if it was to do nothing.

IT SEEMED LIKE the death toll was growing higher with each passing week. It had only been four days total since Fueguchi Ryouko's death that a CCG Investigator was murdered. He was a high one at that. He was a man of high status and respect within the Nerima division. His death had shook the force, and turned headlines on the news. Nothing like Hinami's mother had. I felt like Ryouko's death was swept under the rug, long since forgotten by anyone who didn't know her personally.

Someone had been killed the day she'd gone to see Hinami after her mother's death. He was also affiliated with the CCG. Though a smaller agent of little to no rank, his name had also flashed across the news screens a few times.

The ghouls were getting out of control, the media pushed. They weren't just going after civilians to cause havoc. It wasn't just about them being hungry anymore. They were now attacking divisions and investigators. They were getting bold. The news had warned everyone to be more careful around the Nerima ward. There was no telling what was going on next.

I watched the reports on the television at Yumiko's house. I was cozied up on one side of her couch. My feet were tucked, my chin rested on my knees, and my arms wrapped around myself. She sat on the other side of it. Her younger sister, Megumi, had sprawled across the floor. We had all been comfortable until the sudden news brought forth an air of uneasiness.

Yumiko frowned and reached for the notebook on the couch cushion between us. 'No way. I thought the ghoul attacks calmed down,' the paper read when she held it up for us to see.

My mind wandered to Ryouko. I hadn't asked how she passed away out of respect for the situation. It was really none of my business. Hopefully, it hadn't been in a gruesome attack. She didn't end up on the news like the investigators did. If it had been a tragedy, she would have ended up right on the screen along with them like Kaneki had after his accident.

I'd only gone to see Hinami once since her mother's death. I didn't have the spare time to. My personality psychology professor decided that it would be a good idea to give us a random small test with only days to prepare for counting towards our final grade. It was the class that I worried the least about. It had totally caught me off guard, and I found myself holed up in the school library until closing to study for it. It was too late to go to Anteiku by the time I was done. I hoped that the younger girl could understand.

Megumi reached a hand out for the notebook. Yumiko tossed it to her along with the pen. 'Are they trying to wipe out the CCG entirely?' she wrote on the pages.

I shook my head. It can't be.

I didn't know for sure to say that. I knew about as much as they did. The ghouls causing an uproar would only being chaos, whether that be for us or for them. Everyone would do whatever they could to make sure nothing happened. I could only wish that was the case. They were dangerous, but so was the CCG.

The news reporter went on to explain a few more deaths around the city. They weren't as drastic as they had been months ago. The ghoul that had caused all those deaths had either calmed down or disappeared. Still, it didn't stop the usual occurrence from happening. The reporter gave warnings to stay home at night if you could help it. It was the most that one could do to stay safe.

Yumiko reached forward to grab the remote off of the coffee table. The channel flickered to a game show with smiling contestants and crazy obstacle courses. It was a lighter mood than the deaths on the news. I was grateful for the subject change. There was no need to cause paranoia. Especially for Megumi who often walked home from school alone.

No one wrote anything else on the paper. The three of us watched the screen in silence. It was a comfortable silence, though. They're mother had long since came home from work and went upstairs to go to sleep. She had an early shift in the morning. We'd stayed downstairs not to wake her.

That was, until Megumi wrote something else into the notebook. 'I lost my virginity yesterday.'

Yumiko and I both jumped forward. It had been so sudden . . . so random. She hadn't even hinted towards anything about it. I knew she and her boyfriend had been dating for a long while. I knew that she was head over heels in love with him. However, nothing could have warned me that they would have been doing that. Yumiko's lips were turned in a frown. I knew she had been the most surprised out of both of us. She was an older sister. She had practically raised Yumiko. Her stare held so many unanswered questions. Perhaps shock. A twinge of disappointment.

Yumiko snatched the notebook away. 'What?! You're only sixteen! Why are you doing that?!'

Megumi shrugged. 'It just . . . happened. I wasn't planning it or anything. We were studying at his house in his room. Then, we just . . .'

It was the most probable way it could have happened. Megumi was allowed to go to his house since her mother was barely at home, and his parents were always at his. They were allowed to have space together. It was a result that was bound to happen.

'What was it like?' I asked, smiling softly in attempt to lighten the mood. 'Are you okay?'

Megumi returned the smile with a nod. 'Yes, I'm fine. It wasn't like the way it is on TV. It was kind of awkward. It hurt, and didn't really feel good. I don't see what all the hype was about.'

That was news to me. Books, television, and the media in general made it seem like it was supposed to be some big explosion. Like two worlds collided to make a big bang. It was supposed to be one of the most life changing moments of your life, and you would never be the same after. Yet, here Megumi sat, unchanged and no different. We wouldn't have known if she hadn't told us. And for it to not be that amazing big bang they said it would be, I wondered if they had even did it right, or if the media had lied about it all.

Yumiko shoulders moved with a sigh, and wrote down, 'I have to tell Mom.'

Megumi jumped up to sit upright. Her eyes widened to the size of saucers. 'Please, don't!' she replied back.

'Yumiko, come on. This is a sister secret. She just wanted to confide in you,' I tried.

'Yeah. Nana is practically my sister, too, by this point.'

I smiled at her. I was glad that she thought of me as family. I had spent more time with Yumiko and her family than anyone these past few weeks. Even Hideyoshi, whom always seemed too busy to hang out these days. She trusted us enough to tell us her biggest secret. I couldn't be anymore happier.

'We should keep this between us. To the grave,' Megumi wrote.

She held out her pinkie finger towards us. I held out mine, too. With a roll of her eyes, Yumiko raised her finger, and we locked them together in a promise. It was going to be a secret that only the three of us knew about. We couldn't mention it to anyone else now that we swore on it. For Megumi's sake, at least.

Yumiko released her finger, and wrote down, 'Did you do it protected, at least?'

'It wasn't planned. It was a spur of the moment kind of thing, you know?'

Yumiko threw her head back to let out what I assumed was a groan. She immediately went into paragraphs upon paragraphs about Megumi's age and the importance of safety. Anything could happen if one slipped up.

Yumiko herself went on to tell the story of how she had lost hers when she was almost nineteen. It was with a guy that she really liked. She no longer talked to him anymore. She understood what it was like to be too caught in the moment that things happen. She just wanted to make sure her sister made the right choices, more so because she was still school-aged. She just wanted her to listen to her advice.

I had leaned back into the couch cushions to let the girls talk. I didn't really have any experience or advice to put it other than moral support. It wasn't really the time for that seeing as how Yumiko was lecturing her. It was better to let them go off in to it.

My phone flashed where it sat on the middle couch seat. I picked it up and swiped my thumb across the screen. I had been expecting for it to be Anzai checking in on me. It could have also been Hideyoshi sending me funny videos he found on the internet. Maybe even my mother asking how school and life were treating me. It was none of them. I felt a sigh escape my lips as I read Kaneki's name on the screen.

The two of us hadn't really spent time together since he'd rejected me. Since he'd made it aware that he didn't want anything more from me. Other than the occasional short talks, check ins, and classwork exchanges, our previous friendship had cracked under the pressure. He was always busy or working.

It brought a tiny smile to my face every time he texted me asking if I was okay. Every time he texted me asking if I wanted his notes for class. Every time he gave me that small, handsome smile when we sat in class together. He sat next to me every time. Neither of us said anything to each other. Perhaps we were too far gone for that. But, I enjoyed his company in ways that he hadn't wanted me to.

And oh how I missed him. I missed talking to him-really talking to him at our homes, Anteiku, or at school. I missed him waltzing into my apartment to tell me stories about his day and how his best friend annoyed him like no other. I missed having dinner with him. I missed the smell of him in his apartment as we watched movies and read books together. I missed him laughing at my jokes. I missed him rolling his eyes whenever he was starting to get annoyed. I missed who we were before all of this happened.

If I could take back kissing him, I would've. Going back to how things used to be was better than where we were now. It had caused a wedge between us. I supposed it was just going to take some getting used to. It was going to take time to heal the gaps that our feelings-be it romantic or plain frustration at everything-had caused.

'Nana, what are you doing?'

I stared at his text message. Biting my lip, my thumbs moved to type a response. 'I'm at Yumiko's house.'

'It's late.'

I looked up at the time displayed at the top corner of my screen. It was seven o'clock. The sun had went down not too long ago. Now that it was autumn, the sun went down a lot faster than it did over the summer. He was right about that.

'I'm going home soon,' I replied.

His text was instant. 'You should just spend the night over there. It's dark outside.'

I cracked a smile. He was ever the worried one. Ever since his accident, I felt like he had gotten a lot more paranoid about being out at night. It was completely understandable given his situation. He was right about that, too.

Yumiko and Megumi had just wrapped up their conversation about safe practices. I asked the two girls if it was okay for me to stay overnight due to the time. I would head home in the morning. Yumiko told me that she was going to ask me to stay anyway because of the news reports. She'd even offered to fetch me some of her clothes to sleep in. I'd nodded with a smile.

'Consider it done,' I text him back. After a few minutes of him not replying, I added, 'What are you up to these days?'

His response came after a couple minutes. 'I've been working out and working. Nothing new.'

Working out? For the entire time I've known him, Kaneki was so skinny, pale, and scrawny. He was taller than me, for sure, but he wasn't the tallest, either. He couldn't hurt a fly. To hear that he was suddenly interested in working out came as a surprise. Maybe he wanted to change his appearance after the accident.

I found myself frowning. There were so many new things about him that I didn't know. That he hadn't bothered to tell me.

'You don't hang out with me anymore,' I texted.

He didn't reply. Yumiko had went upstairs to retrieve a set of clothes for me. She came down with a pair of fuzzy shorts and a washed out t-shirt. I left my phone on the couch to go change in the bathroom. If he wasn't worried about texting me, I wouldn't be either.

The clothes were big enough for them to be comfortable. I didn't like sleeping in tight clothing. Yumiko and Megumi had already gone off to change out of their clothes as well. Once we were all back in the living room, Megumi declared tonight as a movie night, and moved to set up the television. Yumiko went off to pop a bag of popcorn for us to share. A sudden burst of excitement went through me. A girl's night was exactly what I needed.

No one had school the next day. It was the perfect night to stay up watching films. Yumiko returned with blankets and popcorn. The two of us cuddled under them on either ends of the couch. Megumi wrapped herself in a blanket on the floor beside us, propping her head up on a pillow. Two bowls of popcorn went around in rotation. The lights were turned off, the movie started us, and the night was set to begin. It would be long before one of us fell asleep.

My phone flashed another text from Kaneki. 'It's been a lot going on. I'm sorry.'

I sighed. In all honesty, I was growing tired of that excuse. If he wanted to be close like we used to be, he would've put the effort in to at least come around. I couldn't be too mad; I wasn't exactly going out of my way to be around him, either. The kiss hadn't helped anything, of course. But, we were adults. We weren't going to get passed it by being awkward, avoiding each other, and not speaking. Being busy and not wanting to were two different things.

'Well, I hope you're being safe out there,' was what I settled on instead.

'I hope you are, too,' he replied. Twenty minutes went by before he texted again. 'Are you mad at me? I feel like you're mad at me.'

I bit back a chuckle. 'No, I'm not mad at you. Things are just different now between us. We can pretend like nothing ever happened, but it did, Kaneki.'

'It's not that I'm pretending. I know. I just don't want you to end up hurt.'

'Do you plan on hurting me?'

'No. Never.'

'Then, maybe, just once, did you ever consider that I was ready to take the risk? That I was ready for what I was getting into? What's the point in getting caught up in something that may or may not happen?' I asked. He didn't respond again. I sighed. 'Forget I even brought it up. Sorry.'

I brought my attention back to the movie. I wanted to fix things. I just didn't know how to. It had to be a two way street for things to work. We both were trying to rebuild, but something kept getting in the way. At this point, I didn't know what it was. Was it me or was it him? Was it both of us?

I had been embarrassed by him not accepting my feelings. He had gone through trauma and changed. I knew how he felt about me. He knew how I felt about him. We had both leaned into that kiss that night. Pretending like it wasn't there was doing more harm than good. I respected his decision to not more forward. Still, it stung in ways that words couldn't. Feelings were involved, and though I willed them away at his expense, they still remained burning every time I laid eyes on him.

He texted back finally. 'I can't just forget about us. I know you can't, either.'

'Wasn't that what you wanted?' I asked.

His response took a moment, almost as if he was hesitant to send it. 'I don't know what I want anymore. I think that's what our problem is.'

I sighed again and put my phone away. Whatever conclusion we were going to come to, Kaneki had to figure out his end of it for himself. If I wanted Kaneki, whatever way he'll allow himself to be with me, I needed to learn to give him up. Only then could we really begin to pick up where we left off.

My phone flashed with another message an hour into the movie. I couldn't help but glance over at it. This time, it was me who didn't reply.

'But, I do know that I miss you, Nana. Goodnight.'

Thank you to Boogs0, Cherubim19, and redwolfen for adding this story to your favorites and/or following it. Also, a big thank you to Cinna Bae and Wikked for leaving a review!

Sorry for being gone for so long! I got a new computer and had to transfer all my files. Plus, writer's block. It happens. Also, shoutouts have been moved to the end of the chapter so the beginning isn't too long! I've been trying to shorten the chapters as well so the story isn't a million words long. Updates should continue like usual now! Happy holidays!

Fun Fact of the Chapter: Anzai's birthday is July 20th.