I appreciate you so much, emillu :) thank you *heart*

Emily could barely focus. Everything just seemed so stupid and pointless right now. Who cared about which bodice looked better on a model when her brother was dying?

"Hey," Andy said, knocking on her office door softly. "You sure you want to be here? It's fine if you need some time off. Nigel and I can handle things."

"I want to stay busy," Emily answered with a sigh. She pushed a hand up her face and into her hair. "Just sitting alone in the apartment is making me lose my mind."

"I get it," Andy replied gently. "Do you want to talk at all?"

"Not right now, but thanks," Emily answered. She gave a brief smile to Andy before reaching to pick up her photos from the desk. Nothing looked good. No one looked decent. She was wondering why she thought getting into her own business was a good idea when her phone dinged with a text. She lifted it to see it was from AJ.

Lee is really cool.

Emily gave a snort. Real subtle. Her brother was like a bull in a china shop sometimes with his obviousness. She tapped back a reply quickly.

Not interested.

His answer swooshed in quickly: He likes you. I can tell.

Not interested!

She set her phone down and ignored his next three texts. He'd give up after a while, she knew that. She appreciated that he meant well and wanted her to be happy, but she was done with men. She was done being strung along and taken advantage of. She was done being lied to and cheated on. She was done with hoping there was someone decent left out there for her. Her heart was officially black now, and she was just fine with that.

She saw Naomi text her next, and she felt a bit worried. Was something wrong with AJ? She read the message:

AJ wants me to tell you that you're crazy for shutting the door on love.

"Oh my God," Emily growled. Seriously! Her brother was looping in his girlfriend with these shenanigans? She punched her message back rapidly.

Shut, locked, and the key is GONE. Tell him to knock it off.

Will do lol.

Emily tried to focus again on her work, but it was proving difficult. She decided to get up and get a coffee. She needed the stretch and the juice to her brain. She saw a GIF message come from her brother next, one of a cartoon person being knocked off a ledge, followed by the words I'm knocking off :)

She couldn't stop the scoff of laughter at the sight of it, and then she felt a slam of sadness right after that choked her. One day, she wouldn't be able to get her brother's goofiness to cheer up her day. She managed to catch her breath and not start bawling, but barely just.

"I'm, uh, going out," she managed to say to Andy as she hovered by her office door. "See you in a bit."

"Take all the time you need."

Emily didn't reply as she swallowed her tears. She wasn't going to cry. No. Not here, not now, not ever. She was done with crying.

Ten minutes later she was sobbing on a park bench.

The thoughts of AJ being gone were so hard, and she couldn't imagine life without him. She hated that she was so much older than him, that she had missed out on a lot of memories with him because she'd gone and lived her life before he was even in his double digits. She regretted ignoring him as much as she had, only spending the last few years getting closer with him. Why had she regarded him as a nuisance? Why hadn't she treasured the time with him instead?

Her phone rang, startling her.

"I told you absolutely not," Emily answered without saying hello. She assumed it was her brother.

She assumed wrong.

"What's this about?" her father, Alan Charlton, asked.

"Nothing. Just AJ riding my case about something," she answered.

"I see."

"What's going on?" she asked now. Her father didn't call her very much, so it had to be important.

"I just was going to visit AJ, but he's asked that I don't," Alan replied. "Do you know why he'd ask that?"

"He doesn't want us to suffer," Emily answered. "He thinks by keeping us away that we won't feel any pain for his dying. He's a git, and I told him it was not happening. Just show up; he can't stop you."

"The thing is," her father said, hesitating, "I...I might take him up on it."

"What?!" Emily was shocked. How could her father say such a thing?! "Dad, are you serious? You can't do that! He's your son!"

"I know," Alan said, his voice growing emotional, "but he's right. It's too hard on me. After your mother...I just don't have it in me to watch another one of my family slowly die."

"Dad, stop," Emily tried.

"He's got you and Naomi, so he's not alone. I'll be there closer to the end, I promise. I just...I can't watch him decline."

"So you're just going to give up the remaining time left with him while he's still able to function?"

"You don't understand..."

"No," Emily cut him off. "I understand fully. You're a coward. You don't deserve AJ at all, so stay away then. Be an arse." She was crying again, and she heard her father try to say something, but she hung up on him. Shaking, she pocketed her phone. How could her father obey AJ's wish just like that? She couldn't believe it.

She chucked her coffee into the trash, not even having the stomach for it anymore. She shoved her hands into her jean jacket pockets, glad it was summer still and she didn't need heavier clothes, and walked to the hospital.

She was officially giving up on trying to do any semblance of work.

...

Lee was being assisted into his chair by nurse Hailey today when Emily came into the room full force. He hated that he felt embarrassed to be seen hanging off a nurse and being guided into a wheelchair, but she didn't appear to even see him.

"How could you tell Dad to stay away?!" she shouted at AJ, who didn't even flinch. He looked at her calmly.

"Because I don't want to emotionally kill him," he answered simply.

"AJ, he's our father! You can't just give him an out! He's supposed to be there for us come hell or high water!"

"Em, it's okay," AJ promised. "Really." Lee watched as Emily gripped her hair tightly with her fist and pace a bit.

"It's not okay," she insisted. "It's not."

He felt slightly aggravated as Hailey kept swiping her long bangs out of her eyes. Didn't they invent hair clips for such a thing? The rest of her brown hair was pulled back into a bun, but her bangs kept coming untucked from behind her ears. Constantly. If he had a pair of scissors on him, he'd probably whack them off.

"Excuse us," Hailey said, starting to push Lee. He grabbed the wheels to jerk her to a stop, and she almost walked right through him from her momentum. Lee did not want to admit that he'd just burned his palms on the wheels like an idiot or that his right hand was now screaming at him. He should have reached for the brake, but he was pretty sure Hailey would have gone right up and over him if he had.

"Carry on your way," he told her. "I know how to get where I'm going." He gave her a look, and Hailey sucked her teeth and nodded.

"Sure," she said. "My apologies."

"It's alright, just don't do it again."

Hailey gave a curt nod, swept her damn hair out of her face again, and swept out of the room with her head held high. Lee sighed roughly. Did these nurses not realize how degrading it was to wheel someone around who could move themselves? Did they not realize that he wanted to keep any small shred of dignity? Even if he got looks for trying to push himself with his left hand on both sides when his right hand stopped working?

"Don't smuck anyone on your way," Emily said, looking at him now.

"Hopefully nobody walks into me without looking," he retorted.

"Am I missing something?" AJ asked, looking between the two of them.

"Nope," Lee answered.

"Absolutely not," Emily said at the same time. Lee didn't like the little glint that appeared in AJ's eyes. The kid didn't comment, but Lee could see his brain was turning gears fast.

"See you later," Lee said, pushing himself out. He was heading to start his physio, and he was looking forward to it. He wanted to walk again. He wanted to be back to normal. He had a new appreciation for those who were permanently stuck like this, and he now knew what not to do or say to avoid hurting feelings, not that he ever did to start with. It was just eye opening for him.

"Hey," Barney said, catching him in the hallway. Lee was surprised to see him so soon.

"What're you doing here?" he asked.

"I felt bad leaving you here all by yourself, so I told Tool not to call me while I hang out here for a bit."

"You didn't have to do that. I could be months..."

"Lee, you're my friend, and you need the support. I'll go if I'm really needed for a job, but otherwise, I'm here."

"Well...I appreciate it," Lee said truthfully, and Barney grinned.

"Where you wheelin' off to?"

"Physio."

"Need a push?"

"No," Lee growled, shooting him a look. Barney smirked back. He knew how irritated Lee got when people tried to push his chair.

"Lead the way then," Barney said, gesturing. Lee did so until his hand gave out and he couldn't do it anymore. It suddenly just felt so daunting and painful to push himself with one hand the rest of the way. He sat there breathing heavily and feeling pissed off at his body for failing him when Barney put his hands on his shoulders from behind.

"True strength is being weak sometimes and letting someone help you," he advised, and Lee closed his eyes briefly and felt surprised at how much emotion this brought up for him. He took a few more breaths and gave a curt nod. As embarrassed as he felt being pushed in the chair because his own body was useless, he would rather have Barney do it than anyone else.

"Vroom, vroom," Barney said, popping a slight wheelie with the chair before dropping it back onto the floor.

"Sod off you wanker," Lee shot back at him. He was grateful no one was watching.

"You gotta laugh, brother," Barney countered, pushing him nicely now. "Otherwise, what's the point?"

"Hardy har har," Lee replied. A large part of him was mortified but a small part of him wanted to burst out laughing at his friend's idiotic behavior. He wasn't about to admit that, though.

"It's a nice set of wheels," Barney went on. "Maybe I'll get me some."

"You do that."

They found his worker, Nicky, waiting for him. She was rather tall with long black hair in a braid. Her brown eyes were lit up, and she friendly and bubbly, which Lee dreaded a little. Bubbly people annoyed him. No one can be that chipper for that long. Not in his mind, anyway.

"Okay, Lee, let's get you started," Nicky said, giving him a smile. He reluctantly smiled back. He was appreciative that she didn't call him Mr. Christmas. He got ready for whatever she was going to start him with while Barney sat in a chair and observed.

It felt damn good to be doing something productive again.

...

Emily most certainly did not want to know why Lee was in a wheelchair. Not at all. Not one bit. It wasn't important. She didn't care. It was none of her business. Definitely did not want to know.

Nope, nope, no—

"What happened to him?" she asked, unable to stop herself. AJ looked at her with a puzzled look.

"Who?" he inquired.

"Lee," she said, clearing her throat a little. "Why is he, uh, in a wheelchair?"

"Oh. Work injury," AJ answered. "He has an incomplete spinal injury, so it's possible he can walk again."

Emily nodded slowly, taking it all in.

"Must have been some accident," she commented.

"It was," AJ said cheerily, because he knew the answer and wasn't telling her. Emily pressed her lips together and pretended not to care. She really didn't care. Not for a second.

If only her stupid brain would join the club.

"I'm still mad at Dad," she advised, changing the subject.

"Don't be," AJ insisted. "I don't blame him for it. I told him to do it. I told all of you to step back..."

"But how is that fair?" Emily cut him off, upset. "How is that fair to make you do this alone?"

"It's fair because it was my idea. Maybe I don't want any of you to see me rot before I die," AJ pointed out. There was a slight wobble to his voice, and it was one of the rare times where his emotions got stirred up over what was happening to him.

"AJ," Emily said, tears in her voice. He swallowed hard and took a big breath before exhaling.

"I want you all to remember me as I was before this," AJ went on. "I don't want you to remember me sick and struggling and fading. Is that such a bad thing to ask for?"

"AJ..."

"I try so hard to remember Mum the way she was before she died, and I can't," AJ went on. "I can't get rid of that final image, and I don't want that for you, Naomi, or Dad. So yea, I've given you all an out, and you can take it at any time."

"I won't remember you like this," Emily promised, moving to take his hands in hers now. "I swear. I will only remember you as the annoying kid who broke my favorite hair clip."

"It made a really cool shark," AJ stated, starting to smile again. Emily gave a light scoff of laughter, patting the top of his hand with hers. She'd never forget it. He'd chased her around the house trying to bite her with the clip, which broke in his hands, making her turn around and chase him. It was not long before their mother got sick and all sense of horseplay just seemed childish and dumb from that point on.

"I wish I could take it from you," she blurted out now. "I really do. I'd trade places with you in a second...I'd take this pain from you."

"I appreciate that, sis," AJ said with a small smile. "And if it makes you feel any better, I'm still talking to Dad, so it's not like we're not connected."

"I still think he's insane for not coming here."

"You're allowed to have that opinion," he said almost cheerily. She made a face. Upon hearing steps, they both turned to look to see a gruff looking man came into the room. Emily felt a bit alarmed, but the man gave a smile and a nod at them before going over to Lee's bed. Lee himself wheeled in after him a moment later.

"Geez, I figured you'd be faster with wheels," the man said. Lee gave him a look before stopping at the foot of his bed. He appeared as though he was contemplating something.

"I'm AJ," her brother offered with a small wave. "That's my sister, Emily."

"Nice to meet you both," the man said. "I'm Barney." He looked at Lee then, who was working his way out of his chair and onto the bed. "Um, aren't you supposed to wait for help?"

"Precisely!" Martha said loudly as she came into the room. "Mr. Christmas, must we do this every day?"

"We must," Lee answered, half on the bed by this point. Martha got him situated and cuffed the side of his head lightly before moving his chair to the corner. Emily could tell that Lee was struggling with being unable to walk. She gathered he probably felt like a weak person. She wished he would relax and know that no one in this room was judging him.

"Next time, I will take away your Jello privileges," Martha warned.

"Oh no, not the Jello," Lee said a titch sarcastically. "How will I survive without it?"

"You should be worried. It's the only decent food in here," Martha stated. Emily covered her mouth with her hand to hide her smirk of amusement. When Martha left, Lee made a face at her receding back.

"If I had a pretty lady lifting me up and down every day, I'd be in seventh heaven," Barney advised, patting Lee's shoulder. Emily heard Lee muttering under his breath but couldn't understand what he was saying.

"I have to get going," Emily said to AJ now, feeling bad for leaving him already, but she felt obligated to return to work for a little bit before the day ended. "You'll be alright?"

"Of course."

She leaned in to hug him, which he accepted. She picked up her bag and walked out without looking back.

...

Lee was trying to sleep, but it was proving difficult tonight. He lay there staring at the light coming from the hallway and longed for his own bed. He longed to be able to just kick the covers off or turn over or something, anything, to prove that he wasn't useless.

He kept thinking about Emily and what he'd overheard about her and AJ's father not coming to visit right now. He wasn't sure how to feel about that. He could see both sides of it, but he knew if it was his kid, he'd be sleeping on the floor next to the hospital bed.

AJ gave a shout now, startling Lee. He twisted his head to see the dark shape of AJ thrashing on his bed. He didn't want to call a nurse for a nightmare; that seemed embarrassing. He couldn't get up and shake him awake either. He tried the next best thing.

"Hey," he said loudly. "AJ, wake up."

AJ kept whimpering and thrashing, and Lee pressed his lips tighter together before trying again.

"AJ! Wake up!"

Still nothing. Lee was worried AJ was going to pull out his IV, so he felt around for his call button. He hated to do it, but he had no choice.

The night nurse, Joleen, appeared a moment later. She was a tiny thing but very strong. She was like Martha with the short hair, but hers was dirty blonde and spiky almost, like her finger had gotten caught in a socket.

"What's going on in here?" she asked, her light shining.

"AJ's restless. I think if he stays worked up, he's gonna pull out his IV," Lee advised.

"Oh dear," Joleen said, going over to AJ now, who was still tossing and turning. "AJ, it's okay. You can wake up now." She gently shook AJ until he burst awake, breathing hard and wheezing a bit.

"I'm sorry," he said instantly as she checked his vitals.

"It's okay," Joleen soothed. "Your friend was just looking out for you. You want me to give you something for a deeper sleep?"

"No," AJ answered. "I'll be okay."

"Alright, but if you do, just call for me."

"I will."

When Joleen was gone, Lee saw AJ turn to look at him in the semi-darkness.

"Sorry if I woke you," he apologized.

"I was awake anyway."

"I'll get a better grip on my subconscious," AJ advised with a hint of joking in his tone.

"You wanna talk about it?" Lee asked, sensing the kid did but didn't know how to admit it.

"Ah, it was nothing."

"You were calling out for your mother," Lee stated. It was quiet for a moment, and then AJ cleared his throat.

"I, uh, was watching her die again," he said quietly. "Then it suddenly became me on the bed, but I wasn't actually dead. I...I was being buried alive."

"That's terrifying," Lee validated. It made his own lungs constrict a little just thinking about it.

"I have that fear a lot," AJ confessed. "That I'm going to be declared dead but I'm really just frozen and can't move or speak and get buried alive."

"I'm sorry," Lee said, not knowing what else to say. What could he say to make that fear go away? He had no idea.

"No, I'm sorry for bugging you with it. It's stupid. I'll be fine," AJ reasoned. Before Lee could speak, he added: "Goodnight."

Lee sat there in the darkness, feeling even more useless than he already had.

...

Emily jolted awake, crying. She was gasping for air and trying to understand where she even was. The image of AJ dying in front of her was stuck in her mind every time she closed her eyes.

She reached for her phone, pulling up her mother's number, and just before she dialed, she remembered that her mother was dead.

Fresh tears erupted, and Emily pressed the phone against her forehead in her clasped hands as she shook and sobbed. She felt so alone. She didn't want to call her father; he wouldn't help her and probably wouldn't care anyway. Plus, she was still mad at him. She wasn't about to bother Andy or Nigel with this stuff. Calling AJ was out of the question. There was no sense in freaking him out. She'd deal with it on her own.

She eventually calmed down, wiping her face and nose with a tissue and feeling the pulse of a headache coming on. She took some shuddering breaths and put her phone back on her nightstand. Her brother was alive for now, that's the only comfort she could take in this moment. That and Gus. He was now awake and licking her tears off her cheeks and pressing against her closely. She hugged him, treasuring the link to her brother, even if it was a smelly little dog.

She did her best not to think about the time ahead when he would be gone and she would be permanently numb.

Did anything make you laugh? Feel sad? Frustrated? Anxious? Was there a character you could relate to? I find myself relating to Emily mostly right now. I love writing the bickering/banter between Barney and Lee and always hope that it makes someone else laugh out loud the way I do when I read it back.