A/N; This was a requested one-shot by my Twitter friend @amaaniharris This is set in Season 11, Stella is missing Kelly, and her nightmares are back. And she reaches out to Boden because we all love the father-and-daughter vibe that Boden and Stella have. basically, a heart-to-heart between the two. This was really hard for me to write, because I love happy Stellaride, especially right now with the heartbreaking absence of Kelly. But I did enjoy the Boden and Stella talk. Let me know what you think.
The day seemed to drag on, at least to Stella; it was one in the morning and everyone at the firehouse was asleep. She can't sleep again; this is day five of hardly any sleep. She hasn't had a peaceful sleep in over two weeks. She walks around the firehouse and looks at her 51 family members sleeping. She was happy they were safe and sound. She walks by Herrmann's office; he is sleeping but looks exhausted. She knows that Cindy's current condition is the reason for his exhaustion; she has been working at Molly's around the clock to help ease some of the pressure off him. She silently sends a prayer up for him and his family as they continue their battle.
She walks to the next office, and her heart hurts as she sees Cruz laying in her husband's bed in her husband's office. She loves Cruz like a brother, but she wants to pull him out of Kelly's office and tell him he doesn't belong there. She wants to block off his office from everyone; she wants to keep it the way he left it. But she's not selfish; she misses him, and it's slowly killing her. But Cruz is doing a great job as a stand-in Lieutenant; she is so damn proud of him, and she knows Kelly is too.
She sighed softly as she continued her walk through the quiet firehouse. She walks through the locker room, where she can see Kelly shirtless and smiling, laughing with the guys about something crazy. She closes her eyes as she has a little flashback to them having sex in the shower countless times over the years they showered together. If he were here right now, she would text him and say, "Meet me in the shower." The best time to have alone time in the firehouse was when everyone was sleeping. She opens her eyes and slowly walks to his locker. She knows his combination. She opens his locker; his shampoo, deodorant, comb, and cologne were sitting there. She opens the deodorant and smells it; she misses the way he smelled. She then sprays his cologne and inhales it. Her eyes get misty-eyed, so she closes the locker; she doesn't want to break now. Not at the firehouse; she saves her breakdowns for home when she's completely alone.
She slips her hands into her pockets and walks out of the locker room. She walked through every room, seeing him everywhere. He's all over this firehouse. She smiles as she tries to think of a place they haven't made out. She walks back to her office and sits down. She secretly prays that the bells go off. It's now two in the morning, and she is still wide awake. She can't go to sleep; she knows once she closes her eyes she is back in that house, just as the explosion happens. She can't have any nightmares here; her 51 family doesn't need to know about her nightmares. Yes, Carver does know about her nightmares, but she told him they subsided. Which isn't a lie; they just recently started coming back. And she's not even sure what brought them on again. Which has her puzzled.
She cleaned her office to pass the time, got her paperwork done, and made an agenda for her next girls on fire class. She did an equipment check and a truck check. It's now five a.m., and she walks around outside the firehouse, enjoying the cool night breeze. She makes a plan for some drills for the next shift.
"Lieutenant, why are you up so early?" Cruz asked as he noticed her standing outside the window.
"I've been getting up early a lot here lately. Why are you up?" She asked, hoping to change the subject.
"Chloe just called; she had a nightmare; she needed to make sure I was okay." He tells her as he rubs the back of his head.
Stella gave him a small smile. "That's sweet."
"Yeah, she occasionally has one, especially if she hears sirens in the neighborhood; she thinks something happened to me. I guess that's the life of a firefighter, huh?"
Stella nods, "I guess so."
Cruz can sense something is on her mind. "Are you sure you're, okay?"
"Yeah, I'm good." She lied; she feels that she vented to Cruz too much. "I think I'm going to go get my stuff in order for next shift."
" Okay" He watches her walk away; he knows something is wrong, but he's not going to push. He just wishes Severide would come home already; he wants things to go back to normal. And he misses Stella's smile. Her real smile-they all know she's been wearing a fake smile here lately.
The end of the shift finally rolls around, and everyone is ready for the next forty-eight hours off. Stella smiles as she listens to Violet, Ritter, Gallo, and Carver making plans for the next two days. Mouch and Herrmann talk about their wives and date night; Cruz runs for the door because he couldn't wait to get home so Chloe could see for herself that he's okay. Capp and Tony are making breakfast plans. She closed her locker and waved at them as they walked away.
"What are you up to the next two days?" Brett asks her as she approaches. She worried about her friend; she could see the fake smile and the loneliness in her eyes.
Stella looked at her and shrugged. "Nothing, home, Molly's, home again, then back here," she paused. "Same old, same old."
Brett feels bad for her. "I've got plans with Dylan tomorrow, but I'm free now if you want to grab breakfast."
"I would love that; I'm starving." She smiled as she picked up her bag and put it on her shoulder. It beats going home to an empty loft," she thinks to herself.
As the girls were walking out of the firehouse, they heard Boden holler, "Lieutenant, you got a moment?"
Stella arched her eyebrow. "Of course, for you always," she said as she turned around.
Brett can sense it's a private conversation from the way Boden looks at her. "I'll meet you in the car," she told Stella, who nodded.
Boden waits for Brett to walk away. "How are you holding up?"
Stella gives him a confused look. "About what, Chief?"
Boden gives her a knowing look. He doesn't tell her he knows she was up all night; she was up last shift too, so he knows something is going on. "With Severide being gone, it seems to keep dragging on. If we can feel his absence here at the firehouse, it's got to be ten times worse for you."
She sighed. He has no clue how truly hard it's been. "Thank God for FaceTime." She jokes. "It's hard, but we communicate a lot; it's hard on both of us. But we will get through it; we will make it work; we always do."
Boden nods. "Just remember you have your 51 family here for you. And my phone is always on, and my door is always open; don't hesitate to reach out to me. Your family, Stella; I did give you away, so that means you are my daughter. I've got your back anytime, anywhere." His tone is so sincere that it makes her want to cry.
She smiles and is grateful for his words. "Thanks, Chief, that means a lot."
Boden watches as she walks to Brett's car, he's hoping she is leading on someone but has a feeling she is fighting the battle alone, loneliness is a silent killer. He just hopes Stella reaches out before she drowns herself in loneliness.
A couple of hours later, Stella walks into her loft. She tossed her bag to the floor. She stands there for a moment, looking around. She hates being home anymore. Her phone rang, and she smiled at her husband's face as it appeared on her screen.
"Morning beautiful." He said as he grins at her.
" Morning."
"You look tired." His voice is laced with concern.
"Shift was crazy; I didn't get much sleep last night." She tells him. She hates lying to him, but she can't tell him why she looks tired.
He nods and says, "I miss you." He tells her his tone is laced with sadness.
She hears his tone and can see the true reflection of his words through his eyes. "I miss you too." She tells him as she holds back her tears. Their eye connection speaks louder than any words could speak for them.
He could see how bloodshot her eyes looked and the dark circles under them. "Babe, you should try to get some sleep. Go lay down. I wish I was there to hold you."
"I wish that too."
"I've got to go; I love you." He said this as he blew her a kiss.
"I love you too," she said as his face disappeared.
She put her phone down and cried; she was missing him something terrible. She wants to talk to someone; she wants to open up to someone; she wants to tell someone how she is feeling about her recurring nightmares and missing her husband. But she doesn't want anyone to see how fragile and vulnerable she is. She doesn't like people to see her as weak. She knows it's crazy to think so, but she is a strong, independent woman who is just going through a rough patch right now. She knows she will bounce back to her normal self soon-probably not till Kelly is home. Whenever that is.
She is aware that her 51 family is worried about her; she can see the looks they give her and the whispers behind her back. She tells everyone at 51 that she is doing okay. But the truth is, she is close to breaking. She dried her eyes and took a deep breath. She decided to deep clean the loft. She needed to do something to keep her mind off her husband and her lack of sleep. If she keeps herself busy, she won't have time to miss him.
After spending the day cleaning and grocery shopping, she went to Molly's for her shift. Faking that she is okay is truly exhausting some days, but that's what her life has become; she fakes on shift and at Molly's. It's not that she's not happy; she loves her life. She just misses a huge part of her life-her husband-and it's soul-crushing. She came home a little after midnight. She was exhausted and couldn't keep her eyes open. She was hoping tonight would be the night she got some sleep. She was so over feeling run down and depressed; maybe tonight will be nightmare-free.
She threw on her night shorts and tank top and climbed into her bed. She lay on her side and reached out to the empty side of her, her husband's side. Her eyes glaze over as she looks at her wedding band. He's the last thing on her mind at night and the first thing she thinks about in the morning. She grabbed his pillow and held it tight. She talked to the pillow like it was a real person like it was her husband. "I miss the excitement you gave me every time you touched me; I miss having your arms around me as our laughs twirl through the air; I miss the way your touch can speak when words aren't enough. How your hands become artists, painting my body, from head to toe, caressing my face, tracing my spine; I miss how you made me feel alive;" she sighed, as her tears soaked his pillow. She closed her eyes as she imagined him lying beside her, holding her close to him. Kissing the side of her head and whispering that he loves her. She drifts off to sleep a few moments later with a peaceful smile.
Ninety minutes into her deep sleep, with a scream caught in her throat and sweat on her brow, she bolted upright in the bed after the terrifying nightmare. Her heart was beating fast, she was sweating, and her breathing was off balance. She did a few minutes of deep breathing before slowly lying down. She looks over at the empty side of the bed again. She needs him; she needs him home; she needs him to tell her everything's okay. She needs to feel his arms around her. She needs him to kiss away her anxiety. She needs him to calm her down; the bottom line is that she just needs him.
She gets up; it's two a.m., and she is exhausted. She wants to sleep; she needs to sleep; it's been five nights now. After five nights of recurring nightmares, she doesn't understand why they're back. She was doing really well; of course, if she had Kelly here; he would get up with her, hold her, and reassure her that she was fine. He knew how to take care of her, but now that she's alone, she doesn't have anyone to turn to. She wants to call him, but she knows he's asleep; he has a five a.m. drill class. She decided to put on Kelly's sweatpants and his sweater. She feels closer to him just a tad; his clothes smell like him. She lays back down and smells his sweater; the smell relaxes her. It's like he's right beside her.
She thinks she can finally sleep; she gets comfortable and closes her eyes. As soon as her eyes close, she's back in that house. The explosion happens again, and she jumps up out of bed. Nope, that's not going to work; she moves to the couch. She does the 4-7-8 breathing technique. She inhaled through her nose for four seconds, held her breath for seven seconds, and exhaled through her mouth. She repeated this exercise eight times. But it didn't help; she still couldn't sleep. She tried warm milk and listening to soft, calming music, but nothing was helping. She was going out of her mind.
She grabbed their wedding album and looked through it. She smiled as she remembered that day, the best day of her life. She traced his face in the picture; it brought her some comfort, but not much. She laughed at some of the crazy pictures of her 51 family; she never thought she would be a part of such an amazing family. She is truly blessed. Going down memory lane did help her forget about her nightmares for a bit.
It's six a.m. and she's still awake. She sighed and headed for the shower. As she finished drying her hair, her phone rang. She knows it's Kelly, and she takes a deep breath. She was thankful it wasn't a FaceTime call; she couldn't explain why her eyes were still red and the circles under her eyes were darker. She can fake her tone with him, but not her eyes; he sees the truth in her eyes every time.
She took a deep breath. "Good morning, babe." She said this as she answered her phone.
"Good morning, beautiful. Did you get any sleep?"
She closed her eyes. His voice was what she needed to hear. "Yes, I feel much better." She lied, and it kills her to lie to him. But she can't tell him about the nightmares and trouble sleeping. He would worry, and she doesn't want him worrying about her. He would feel guilty, and she doesn't want that either.
"Good, I was worried. What are you up to today?"
"I'm not sure; I might spend some time with Brett if she isn't busy." She lies again; she tries to avoid Brett; she's afraid she might break down; she doesn't want to burden Brett with her troubles; hell, she doesn't want to burden any of her 51 family members with her troubles.
"That's good, so... What are you wearing?" He said it in a flirtatious tone.
Stella laughs, "Just a towel at the moment."
He groans. " Seriously? "
"Yes, I just got out of the shower."
"Damn, I should have Facetimed you; you could have given me a show." He teased.
"True, you could have watched me put lotions all over my body." She tells him in a seductive tone.
"You're killing me, babe."
Stella laughed, saying, "Sorry, maybe tonight I'll give you a show."
"I can't tonight; we have a night drill. So, I won't be able to call or even text that much today. Sorry." He said it in a melancholy tone.
" I understand, it's okay," she said, it's not it sucks but she doesn't say anything "Just be safe." She tells him like it wasn't a big deal. Honestly, she didn't want to Facetime him anyway, not while she looked like a zombie. She needs sleep before she goes insane. She hated not talking to him the rest of the day, though.
"I can't wait to see you; I miss you so much." He tells her in a bittersweet tone.
"Same, baby, same." She tells him in the same tone as his.
" Why don't you come to visit this weekend?"
She closed her eyes, of course, that's all she wanted but she can't right now, not while she's having nightmares again. She doesn't want him to worry about her, while he's away. " Babe, I wish I could but with Herrmann's situation and everything, I should stay close by. I told you I'm working pretty much every night at Molly's to help out."
He sighed into the phone. " I get that, I do. "
He's quiet for a moment and she knows he's upset. "I love you so much, and I'll call you in the morning."
"I love you too; be safe." She repeated it as she hung up.
She was alone again with her thoughts, she put on her husband's clothes again, they made her feel safe and closer to him. She paid some bills, browsed the internet, ordered some food, and called Kelly's mom to check up on her. She googled helpful sleep exercises and what to do if you can't sleep. She tried everything, she was yawning and felt so sleepy but every time she closed her eyes she was back in that house, Pryma was laying on the floor he was bleeding out, she heard the click then boom, she was up again. It kept repeating itself over and over. She watched her favorite movie twice and still couldn't sleep. How could she be this exhausted and not be able to sleep?
She got a book and snuggled up on the couch. It was now seven in the evening, and she still couldn't sleep. Sometimes when she would read a book, she would fall asleep, so she was hoping that happened. But unfortunately, as soon as she dosed off, she was back in that house, but this time things were different. Kelly's with her, and he's bleeding out on the floor. She couldn't stop the bleeding. Kelly grabbed her hand and said, I love you, Stella. Thank you for loving me. You inspire me to be a better man than I ever thought possible. You are my anchor, my inspiration, and the reason for all of my happiness. I feel like the luckiest man in the world because of your love and care, your guidance, and your devotion to me. As you've done so many times before, you've shown me that there is limitless beauty in simplicity and our bond. I love you. Don't mourn for me. Be happy, Stella. His eyes closed, Kelly, Kelly, she starts screaming at him, don't leave me, Kelly, she cries, then there's a big boom and everything goes black. And she launched up, screaming out his name in a horrifying tone. She was drenched in sweat, she was shaking, and she felt paralyzed after waking from the petrifying nightmare; not a single muscle would move. She was convinced something had happened to Kelly. Her nightmares were a warning sign or something. She did some deep breathing; her heart was still beating fast, and her mind was racing. She couldn't control her emotions; she was crying uncontrollably. She grabbed her phone; she needed to call him. She needed to hear his voice; it was the only way to calm her down. She called him, but it went straight to voicemail. She was panicking more now.
"He's fine, Stella; get yourself together." She tells herself this as she starts doing her breathing exercises again. She calms herself down just a tad. But her mind is still racing, her heartbeat is off the charts, and she can just imagine what her blood pressure is right now.
Why would she dream that that was new, that wasn't like anything she'd dreamed about before, that was the most horrible dream she's ever had? Why is this happening? Is her dream trying to speak to her? Is Kelly in danger? She has a knot in her stomach.
It's now nine p.m., and she's pacing back and forth in the loft; her mind is in overdrive. She needs to talk to someone; she needs to vent; she needs someone to tell her she's not crazy, that Kelly is fine, that it's just a dream, just a stupid dream; her mind is playing tricks on her.
She calls Kelly again, and it goes straight to voicemail again. She knows he told her he was running a drill tonight, so that's probably why his phone is off. But she is anxious and stressing herself out; she is so exhausted and getting to the point where she can't even think straight. She calls him again and gets his voicemail again. She's frustrated; she picks up the throw pillow and throws it. Accidentally knocking over their wedding picture, she slowly walked over and picked up the frame; the glass was broken. She runs her fingers along the broken glass; she cuts her finger; the blood drips onto the picture; she cries hard. Her chest is tight, and her breath feels shadowy. She needs help. She needs to talk to someone now. She wants Kelly but knows that's impossible.
She bites her lip as she remembers her conversation with Boden yesterday. She knows he's right; she has a whole firehouse of people who love her. Any one of them would come if she called them. She is beyond grateful for all of them. Boden's words echo through her mind: "You are my daughter." She wants to call him; he's someone she looks up to, someone she admires; she thinks of him like a father. Maybe that's what she needs; she needs her father to help smooth away her negative thoughts and calm her anxiety. And tell her, her nightmare was just a nightmare; there's nothing true about it; it's not real; it's just her imagination running wild.
She hates to call him so late; she doesn't want to ruin his night. She smiled as she recalled his words. "You're my daughter." She nervously calls him; it's a little past ten. She's not even sure what she's going to say.
"Stella, everything is okay," Boden said as he answered his phone. She can hear the concern in his voice, and she swallows hard. "Stella, are you there?" He asked when she didn't say anything. He can hear her breathing.
She sighed, "No, Chief, I'm not okay."
He can hear the trembling in her voice. "What's wrong?"
"Chief, I know it's late, but I... I... need you." She cries into the phone.
Hearing her cry, his protective father's mode kicked in. "I'm on my way." He tells her as he hangs up.
Twenty minutes later, Stella hears a knock on her door. She opens the door, and Boden's heart breaks at the sight of her. She looks pale and fragile; exhaustion is written all over her face; her eyes are swollen and bloodshot from lack of sleep and crying. He walks in, and she closes the door. "I'm sorry for bothering you."
"Stella, you are not a bother. I told you to reach out if you needed me, and you did, and I'm glad you did." He reassured her.
"I'm not doing too well, Chief." She finally admitted it out loud as more tears fell.
He pulls her into a hug as she cries on his shoulders. "Come on, let's sit; I know it's hard doing the long-distance thing."
They sit on the couch, and she sits sideways so she can face him. "It's hard, but we make it work. We communicate every day; he calls me twice a day, once in the morning and once at night, and we text each other throughout the day. I still vent to him about my day; I just miss him so much."
"Well, communication is the key; I'm glad the lines of communication between you two are good."
"Yeah, communication is not a problem for us." She tells him as she looks down at her wedding ring. "I just really miss him; I feel so lost and alone."
Boden reached for her hand. "Stella, you are not alone. You have me and the whole 51 family to lean on."
"I know, and I'm beyond grateful for you and all of my firehouse family. But... It's just different, Chief; Kelly has always been my go-to person, even when we weren't together."
Boden watches her closely as she plays with the ring on her finger. He knows there's something deeper going on.
"You know, Kelly I connected the first time we met years ago; even though I was married at the time, you could see the strong connection between us. I often thought about him through the years, but I never pictured getting transferred to his firehouse. We still had that connection after all those years; I was a divorced woman now. Even when we hooked up for the first time, we flamed out quickly, but the connection was still there. " She stood up and walked over to the window.
"We built a deeper connection afterward; he became my best friend. And our friendship connection started to develop into a more romantic connection. It took us a while to get to where we are today. And I love where we are today; I wouldn't change anything. But he spoiled me, and I'm so mad at him for it."
Boden was confused by that remark. "What do you mean he spoiled you?"
"I know this is going to sound crazy and a little selfish, but it's how I feel. Kelly has always been there for me for the past seven years. No matter the situation, I could always go to him; he made me feel safe and protected, understood, and loved. Even when we were just friends, even when we broke up, he was there for me, always supporting me. We got back together, and he said he was going to be the man I deserve. He definitely lived up to that statement. Yes, we had our differences and disagreements, but he was always there, always lifting me when I was at my lowest, always making me feel like I was good enough. " She paused as she looked out into the city lights. " Whenever I was scared about something or doubting myself about anything, He would say, You Got This Stella Kidd, and I would feel like I could conquer the whole world. " She smiled, as though she thought about how he made her feel.
Boden sat there listening to her vent, slowly putting the pieces together. As she continues to vent.
"He was my person." She whispered.
"It sounds to me like you're suffering from a lack of vitamin Kelly." He says it in a teasing tone. But she knows he understands what she's saying. "I know that feeling; anytime Donna is going out of town, I suffer from a lack of vitamin Donna."
She smiled over at him. "I am suffering from a lack of Kelly; I am suffering," she admitted.
"It makes sense, Stella; I do understand you on that level." He tells her as he thinks about what she said earlier. "What did you mean by spoiling you? And being so mad at him?"
She sighed and ran her fingers through her hair. "You know after a ruff call, a heartbreaking call, those calls you just can't get out of your head? I will vent to him, and he will make me feel better. No matter what was going on in my life, he just always made sure I was good. He spoiled me with so much love and affection and was constantly concerned about me. Lifting me up and treating me like I was all he wanted and needed. I had never been treated like that before, and then one day he just disappeared. He left so fast without giving me a valid reason. I felt like he had abandoned me. and I am so mad about it."
"Stella, you know that's not true; yes, his sudden departure was a bit of a shock to us all, and I can only imagine how you felt. But this is...
"A great opportunity for him and for 51." She said this, interrupting what he was going to say. "When I told him how I felt about how he left when I went to visit him, that's what he said to me. Which I do get, I do; I just wish I had more time to process it." She walked back over to the couch. "See, when he first left, I was very emotional about how he left, and I vented to Cruz one day about it."
"Good, you need to talk about how you feel; don't hold anything in. Holding things in will only weigh you down in the long run."
"After I chatted with Cruz and him telling me that he had never seen two people more perfect for each other than me and Kelly, I realized that I needed to see Kelly, and I needed to talk to him."
Boden smiled. "Cruz is right; you and Severide have that connection the kind people look for their whole lives."
She gave him a lopsided smile; she knows they have a unique connection, and she loves that about them. "The thing is, Chief, I was going through a lot of different emotions when he first left, and going to Alabama and seeing him was the best medicine for me. I was able to talk to him about everything I was feeling, and you know, I put it all out on the table. We talked about everything. And when I got home, of course, I was still missing him, but I felt so much better. Having him reassure me that we were good and that I wasn't missing anything was exactly what I needed to hear. I was doing well after that." She tells him as she tries to find the words to explain what she is feeling now.
Boden eyed her carefully. He knew there was a deeper reason for her to reach out to him tonight. Something had to happen for her to have this little breakdown.
"I was doing good; you know, missing him but living my life. I was hanging out with Brett and Violet and working at Molly's more to help Hermann out; my emotions were good; I was in a good place; we talked every day; he's always on my mind; and missing him is something I'm always going to do when we're apart. Because I love him so much. But... " She paused and looked up at the ceiling. "These past two weeks have been really hard, so hard." She cried. "I don't know why, though. It's like I was hit with this huge wave of emotions, and I'm scared of what it means, and I am mad at him again."
Boden looked at her, teary-eyed, and said, "Scared of what, Stella?"
"My nightmares are back." She said that as she looks at him, the confusion on his face tells her he has no idea what she was talking about. "After the explosion, the night I came home from the hospital I started having nightmares about the explosion. I would see Pymra bleeding out, the click of the bomb going off, the bomb guy saying take cover, me instructing Carver to cover Pymra, me moving the table to try to cover us three, me diving on Carver, and bam, I would wake up, cold sweat, heart beating fast. Kelly would stay up with me and try to calm me down. He was so helpful even though he felt helpless. Having him just hold me some nights afterward helped in so many ways."
"Stella, I didn't know," Boden told her as he covered her hand, giving her a reassuring squeeze.
"No one knew but Kelly; well, Carver knew, but that's because Kelly suggested that I talk to someone who was there; he figured it could help me to talk about it and help Carver too."
"Did it help?"
Stella nods. "Yeah, it helped a lot, actually. I mean, the nightmares didn't stop all of a sudden; it was like they gradually stopped." She paused "And I was doing pretty good for a while; I mean, the scar is a daily reminder of what I went through. But the nightmares were gone, and I didn't think about it anymore. But... " She trailed off.
Boden gives her a moment to get her thoughts together. He could tell she was slowly getting to the real reason why she called him. He watches as she takes the throw pillow and hugs it tightly. She bit her lip nervously for a moment. She moves to sit Indiana-style on the couch.
"I haven't slept in two weeks." She admitted it to him.
He was not surprised; he figured it's been at least a week, by the way, her eyes look.
"I miss Kelly; I miss having him home; I miss his hugs and kisses; just laying around with each other being lazy; I miss laughing with him over something crazy we watched. I'm so lonely. I know it sounds crazy because I'm surrounded by people. I have tons of social connections. I occasionally hang out and do stuff with friends, but I still feel lonely and isolated deep inside."
Boden gives her a downcast smile. "Those emotions of missing your husband every single day are very normal. Sometimes it is just the emptiness that you may feel, and it is a loss of contact with your husband. You're missing the physical contact, the intimacy, and the closeness, and it makes sense to miss that. I know Severide is feeling it too. Don't doubt his love or question if he's missing you. "
"The love part is easy." I never questioned that; I know he is missing me just as much as I miss him. And you're probably right; maybe I feel this way because I'm missing the physical contact, the intimate connection. Honestly, we've always been the kind of couple who couldn't keep their hands off each other. So yeah, I am missing the closeness. But why am I having nightmares again?"
Boden sighed. "Anything can trigger a nightmare, Stella. Nightmares can arise for several reasons-stress, anxiety, irregular sleep-and you said you haven't been sleeping in the past two weeks. When did the nightmares start back up?"
Stella bit her lip as she tried to remember. "About a week ago." She tells him as she continues to think about what Boden said.
"You were having trouble sleeping before the nightmares began again."
"Yeah, yeah, I was actually."
"Why were you having trouble sleeping in the beginning, you know, before the nightmares started?"
She shrugged her shoulders, not sure how to answer that. There was no real reason, at least not one she can remember right now. "I honestly don't remember; I would go to bed and just lay there some nights; sometimes I would go to bed and fall right to sleep, only end up sleeping thirty minutes or an hour, then up the rest of the night; that happened a lot."
"It sounds like you are suffering from insomnia. Maybe you need to reach out to your doctor."
"Maybe so," she tells him with a shrug.
"Insomnia is associated with an increased risk of nightmares."
Stella's eyes widened. "So that's what probably brought on the nightmares."
" Possibly "
"I have had repeated nightmares the last five nights, and I will put on Kelly's sweatpants and his sweater to feel a little closer to him. His clothes still have his smell, so it helps me to calm down. " She tells him as she smells his sweater.
Boden gave her a small smile; he knew Kelly's absence played a huge role in her
Insomnia. She's fighting loneliness every night.
"The nightmare I had just before I called you." She paused as she tried to prepare herself to talk about the last nightmare-the one that broke her, the one that scared her more than the other nightmares. She's pretty sure Boden is going to think she's insane once she tells him.
"What about it?" He asked, and as he leans forward to see her face better, he sees the fear in her eyes and the worry on her face. "Stella, tell me about this evening's dream."
She swallowed hard and looked over at him. "It was different-different than the last dreams, even different than the dreams I had after the explosion. After this dream, I woke up screaming and crying. I felt like I couldn't move or breathe. I have never felt that way before after any nightmares."
Bingo Boden thought this was why she called him; she had a breakdown after her nightmare. But what was so different about this dream that caused her to break down? Something happened. But what? He wondered. "Stella, what was different about this dream from the others?"
She takes a deep breath and slowly gets up. She wasn't sure if she was going to be able to get out what she wanted to say. "Now, Chief, be patient with me; this is going to be hard to tell you about it. It shook me to my core. And I really don't want to relive it, but I know it's best to talk about it." She paused as she mentally prepared herself.
"I'm not going anywhere," Boden said, but he had no idea those words were going to hit her hard.
She heard his reply; her body froze, her mouth went dry, her knees got weak, and his words hit her like a train. She hit the floor fast, causing Boden to jump up and go to her. She was curled up, crying. Boden hugged her, not sure what to say or do. He wasn't prepared for this. "Sssh, it's okay." He whispered as he rocked her back and forth. They stay that way for a bit.
Stella felt ashamed; she never wanted her chief to see her this broken. "I am sorry." She said this to him, looking at him, her tears falling like rain.
"You have nothing to be sorry for."
"It's just those words you said, which were the exact words Kelly said to me in the hospital after the explosion." She tells him in a bittersweet tone. "He said I'm not going anywhere, and look, he's gone now." Her voice is heartbreaking, and Boden was speechless. She closed her eyes and took a few deep breaths. "I don't know why I'm acting so weak. This is not me."
"Come on," he tells her as he helps her off the floor. He walks her back to the couch, and they sit down. He wraps his arm around her, and she lays her head on his shoulder. "Now listen to me. Weakness occurs when the person is emotionally and physically drained. They simply cannot continue because it is nearly impossible. So they shut down physically, mentally, and emotionally. I believe you were headed in that direction, but thank God you reached out to someone; you made yourself vulnerable."
"What do you mean?" she asked, as she curled into his side like a scared child after a bad dream.
"Vulnerability is a choice. It occurs when a person has admitted their weakness and knowingly makes themselves available to themselves and others emotionally. You knew something was off, and you have been battling within yourself for so long that you didn't know which way to go. But tonight, you reached out to me and sought help for yourself. Because you couldn't battle alone anymore. And I'm so glad and so relieved that you came to that realization. "
Stella was a lot calmer now as Boden held her close. "Now I want you to tell me about the nightmare you had. Take your time. Talking about it will take so much weight off your chest. You're carrying a heavy burden, and I want you to place that burden on me. I want to help you carry it."
" Okay." She whispered softly. She closed hers and took a deep breath. "I was back in the house, but this time instead of Pymra on the floor bleeding out, it was... She trailed off. As the tears filled her eyes again.
Boden looked down at her and rubbed her arm. "Who was it?" he asked her before placing a kiss on top of her head.
Stella smiled, feeling the kiss. She wondered if she had had a dad growing up, would he have been like Boden? "It was Kelly." She whispered.
Boden wasn't expecting her to say that, but now everything was making sense. It's no wonder she reached out to him tonight. All the dots are connected now.
"He was bleeding out, and I couldn't stop the blood. I was screaming for help, but there was no one there; it was just me and Kelly." Her tears started falling like rain again as she continued. "He was telling me bye, and how much I meant to him, and how lucky he was, and that... " She was struggling to get the words out now, and Boden just continued to rub her arms, reassuring her he was still there. "He loved me. I was screaming his name over and over. His eyes closed, and my heart sank. I screamed, "Don't leave me." She was crying uncontrollably now. "But... he did... he left... he left me... I was alone..."
Boden felt his tears running down his face. No wonder she's such a mess. That dream must have been horrendous.
"The bomb went off, and everything went dark." They sat silently there, holding each other, and Stella cried into his chest. As Boden rubbed her back, he wasn't sure what to say. "I tried to call Kelly, but it went to voicemail. I know something is wrong; dreams are usually indicators of something that is going to happen." She tells him, her voice laced with worry and sadness.
Boden arched his eyebrow. "I don't believe that."
She looked up at him. "Really?"
"Yes, really, it was just a nightmare. Stella, Kelly is fine, believe me. Don't let your mind play tricks on you."
She was a little bit relieved. "You think it's just my mind playing tricks. Nothing serious?"
"Kelly is fine, Stella." He assured her. "Your mind can play terrible tricks on you sometimes."
They sat there in silence for a while again. Stella feels better after telling him everything she's been holding back.
"You know, chances are you had those nightmares because of your lack of sleep," Boden tells her, breaking the silence.
Stella sat up straight, curious to hear what he had to say. "Do you think so?" She asked in a hopeful tone. Her eyes were like those of a curious little kid.
"I think you're experiencing sleep deprivation, and sleeping issues that cause a lack of sleep, such as insomnia and narcolepsy, can increase one's risk of experiencing vivid dreams. Just like I told you earlier, insomnia can cause nightmares-nightmares you can't control."
"What about the one about Kelly? Why do you think I had that one?"
Boden sighed; he knew that was what was really bothering her. "My opinion is that you had that dream about Severide because you were sleep-deprived and Severide-deprived. Even though you guys are communicating daily, it doesn't fill the void of physical contact. You're missing him so much that you're not sleeping, and then your nightmares started because you weren't sleeping."
She let what he said sink in. "But why now?" she asked in a confused tone. "I'm sorry I keep asking you all these questions; I know you're not a sleep specialist; it just doesn't make sense. He's been gone for nine weeks, so why am I having trouble sleeping now and having nightmares about him now?"
Boden was about to respond when Stella spoke first.
"I spent the first two days he was gone blaming myself like I missed something or he wasn't being honest with me. And I cried myself to sleep pretty much every night, but I still slept; I didn't have any problems sleeping or nightmares. So why now?"
"Because you talked to Cruz, and you went and saw him. You got to tell him face-to-face how you were feeling, and he erased all your concerns. I know you communicate daily, and I know you both talk about your feelings about being apart, which is a good thing. Some people express their emotions openly. Others tend to hide them, but hiding your emotions doesn't necessarily mean you're repressing them. "
"I don't hide them for Kelly."
"No, but you're not completely honest with him either."
"When Kelly told you the program got extended to twelve weeks, what was your response?"
She ran her fingers through her hair and said, "I was shocked and upset. I told him that sucked, but he was happy. He's enjoying the program. And I want to support him; I want him to be happy."
"Now tell me how you feel, honestly."
She rolled her eyes and let out a loud sigh. "Hurt, anger, fury, overly emotional, outrage-there were a lot of emotions I went through that day. I was pissed, Chief; it was supposed to only be eight weeks, and here we are on week nine, and I still have three weeks to go." She put her head in her hands. "I don't know what I'm going to do if it gets extended again. He's already going to miss our anniversary."
Boden's eyes widened in surprise. He wasn't even thinking about that; she was upset over him missing their first wedding anniversary, his program getting extended, and her loneliness and anxiety that something is going to happen to him and she won't see him again. She is holding all these emotions in because she doesn't want to seem weak or a burden to anyone. It's no wonder she broke down tonight. "I'm so sorry, Stella. I know missing your anniversary is also hard on Severide."
She lifted her head and gave him a pitiful smile. "He is upset too; he said he would make it up to me. It's next week, you know. I'll be on shift, and he'll be seven hundred and fifty-seven miles away. Great first wedding anniversary to tell our kids one day, huh?" She said, in a hurtful tone, she wiped away the tear that fell.
Boden felt her pain; he could see the sadness in her eyes and hear the hurtfulness in her tone. "I'm sorry, Stella." He tells her in a sympathetic tone. He squeezed her hand. "But at least we know why you haven't been sleeping."
She gives him a confused look like she doesn't know what he's talking about. "We do?"
Boden shakes his head. She's usually a little smarter at connecting the dots than this, but he knows she's not herself right now. Her mind is sleep-deprived. " After you found out about Severide's program being extended and that he was going to miss your anniversary, and the fact that you haven't seen him physically in seven weeks and you still have three weeks to go till you see him, and your concern that the program is going to be extended again, You let all those feelings build up, and you pushed them aside, pretending not to be upset by them because you wanted to support him and be there for him because he was happy doing the program. You pushed how you were truly feeling so deep inside you that your mind was convincing you that you had no one to talk to and that you were all alone in this world. You didn't want to add your problems to anyone else's; you wanted everyone to think you were doing well, but in reality, you were slowly breaking. So, the insomnia happened; you battled that part alone too; you didn't tell anyone you were having trouble sleeping, not even your husband."
Stella was surprised; he hit it right on the nail. "No, I didn't tell Kelly anything about the last two weeks."
Boden nodded. "I didn't think so, and the insomnia brought on your nightmares, and your fear of losing Severide and missing him so much, combined with the recurring nightmare and your lack of sleep, caused you to dream that your loss of Severide was an eye opener to you."
Stella yawned. "It was?" she asked, as Boden wrapped his arm around her and she curled back into his side.
Boden smiled. "Yes, because it forced you to reach out to me because you knew you were on the edge. And I am so glad you did."
Stella smiled as she closed her eyes. "Me too, Dad." She said this before closing her eyes.
Boden's heart melted at that moment. He kissed the top of her head. Moments later, he could feel her breathing in a slow, rhythmic pattern, indicating she had fallen asleep. He pulled out his phone and called his wife. "Hey babe, look, Stella is having a rough night. I'm going to stay with her to make sure she sleeps through the night. I will tell you about it all in the morning, love you."
He puts his phone down and at the same time Stella's phone rings. Her phone is lying on the coffee table; it's a FaceTime call from Kelly.
"Hey Severide"
Kelly's face is filled with concern and fear. "Chief, why are you answering Stella's phone? Is she okay?" His panicked mode kicked in.
"Severide, calm down; she is fine." He moved the phone, So Kelly could can see Stella asleep on his shoulder. "She's had a rough day, but don't worry, she's going to be okay. She's in good hands, Severide; we are taking care of her."
Kelly is a little relieved but senses there's more he isn't telling him. "I know 51 is taking good care of her chief, and so are you. It's hard to be so far away from her. "
"I know, Severide, what do you say to having her come down there with you for a week?"
"Seriously?" His face lit up like a kid on Christmas morning.
" Yeah, I think it would be good for you both."
Kelly smiled big. "She said she couldn't ask for time off right now with everything going on."
Boden shakes his head and says, "Consider it my anniversary gift to you two. You both need to spend every anniversary together. Life is so short; we are not promised tomorrow."
"That would be wonderful. Thank you, Chief." Kelly said as his eyes filled with tears. "I got to go; I only called because I saw some miscalls from Stella and got worried."
" Well. Don't worry anymore, she's fine. And she will be in your arms in a couple of days."
"Thanks again, Chief."
"Be safe, Severide."
Boden put down the phone and laid his head back, happy to do something for the couple. He closed his eyes and fell asleep. And for the first time in two weeks, Stella slept the whole night.