"Hey, what is that?"
Moonlight bathed Shinji's face as he lay beside Asuka. The brightness accentuated the depth of his eyes. Shadows and light played over his features—blurring the lines between charm and innocence—accentuating the contrast between his past self and the man he was becoming.
"An old watch, just wanted to know the time." Said Asuka, who turned her gaze to Shinji without taking her eyes from his, which made Shinji's cheeks blush. Yet, a sense of melancholy weighed on him. Asuka's wish to know the time foretold a concern that remained unaddressed in their relationship.
The watch marked 00:11 on June 6, Shinji's birthday. This day should have been a reason to celebrate alongside Asuka. However, a need to talk to her had taken root in him, like a held-back sigh longing to escape. Fear—an old but unwanted companion haunted him, breathing down his neck, telling him that confronting this issue with her would result in failure, loss, and loneliness.
Asuka shifted her gaze to the clock, and just before Shinji could utter a word, she took his left hand, intertwining their fingers for a moment. Then she traced a delicate path with her thumb over his palm and fastened the watch onto his wrist.
"Ohh! Thank you." His reaction was automatic, a reflex with an echo of uncertainty. "I remember this watch, you used to wear it to school. Honestly, I had forgotten it even existed."
Examining the watch, Shinji was captivated by the play of colors. The strap was red, and the dial was green. He felt uncomfortable with this detail, but Asuka's sudden caress on his hair relieved his discomfort. Still, he couldn't stop thinking about the watch.
"But this is yours, why are you giving it to me?"
"Give me a break. I've already told you, you rule this world. There's nothing else you can have." Her fingers delicately traced the contour of his chin, gently lifting it, guiding his face toward her gaze.
"Or I'm wrong?"
His response was a shy smile.
"So let me give you something, even if it's a silly and cheap thing like an old watch."
Asuka allowed her eyelids to descend to fall asleep, while Shinji looked at the watch more closely, noticing the marks and scratches from wear. At that moment, Shinji realized the watch was a part of Asuka—a part of her life that had marked countless stories that Shinji might never know, but now carried with him. This realization gave him a joy, he approached Asuka, who wrapped her arms around him. Shinji longed to close his eyes and sleep in Asuka's arms, but the weight of the impending future prevented him. The urge to shed a few tears, silent and deep, kept his dream at bay.
Sharing a bed was nothing new for Asuka and Shinji. This monthly event was a scheduled dance with silent exchanges and complicit glances. At 22:30, Misato, accompanied by her ever-present penguin, sat down at the kitchen table for a cup of tea to fall asleep. Meanwhile, Asuka and Shinji settled in to watch television, waiting for Misato and her feathered companion to retire. Then they both waited 10 minutes, and without saying a word, Shinji turned off the TV and Asuka took him to her room, where what happened every time was more than just an emotional and carnal impulse; it was an attempt to find a kind of normalcy in a world that often felt separate from them.
However, always each embrace ended in silence, followed by Asuka's soft walk. The bed gave a gentle dip, and the sheets rustled against her skin as she moved, each movement emanating a deliberate silence. Her scent, elusive, made Shinji's heart sink each time she left, leaving him with an all too familiar emptiness.
It is what it is. Shinji always mused in past nights with a tone that suggested more of a question than a statement. But vivid images of times past always surfaced in his mind, making everything worse. Images like the surprise of her arms around him from behind while he was brushing his teeth, the warm touch of the sun on the apartment terrace, accentuated by the delicate glide of her fingers through his hair. And, of course, those whispers that resonated like endless declarations after a kiss on the forehead:
I wanna be yours.
Yet, amidst the depth of those memories, he felt an emptiness during the lonely nights in Asuka's bed. Doubts flooded his mind; was it him asking too much? Or was Asuka offering too little? Unfortunately, the reality was never as simple as choosing between two options, and Shinji knew this. Still, he wondered how he could hope to understand Asuka when he barely understood himself.
Moments ticked by, and subtly, Shinji felt Asuka's soft withdrawal from his side, her form rising from the bed. He felt a deep necessity to pull her back; he didn't want the night to end like the previous ones. Yet, he remained motionless. The soft brush of her feet on the carpet whispered to him until a pause floated in the air. Finally, Shinji looked up to find Asuka standing in the door, mired in indecision, Shinji could no longer hold back, releasing the tears he'd staunchly held back.
"Asuka."
· · · · ·
The late August sun cast a golden shine, its warmth still rich. Leaves hinted at autumn's approach while cicadas buzzed their summer's end song.
Unfortunately, that summer ambient was inaudible in one part of the apartment complex. Unlike other times, there were neighbors near the Katsuragi residence, their presence provoked several passive-aggressive letters in the mailbox, all due to the noise, a situation that was always embarrassing for Shinji and Misato but never for Asuka, who was responsible for the noise.
She was sitting on the couch leaning forward, her thumbs and fingers were moving violently from side to side. However, her gaze was blank and expressionless, showing the calm and concentration of a seasoned gamer. She only reacted after being defeated, filling the air with curses in various languages as if she was trying to teach the videogame console the linguistics of discontent. The game controller, designed to resist the enthusiasm of gamers around the world, now faced Asuka, who lived in the present and had no respect for its integrity. If the buttons or joysticks had broken as a result of her aggressive playing style, it would have been a problem for tomorrow.
Defeats piled up, and each one fueled her desire for victory. The initial discontent transformed into a smirk. The screen announcing her failure no longer surprised her; nowadays, it was a provocation. After this, it might have seemed the boss's attacks weakened, but they hadn't. Asuka realized this boss needed more than brute force; it demanded agility and understanding. Also, she recognized the game required more patience, adaptability, and strategy than she thought. The past failures weren't a waste of time; they were a way to gather cleverness about the enemy. Eventually, the boss finally fell before her. She smiled and dropped the controller onto the television with a loud thud, and the screen, in a gesture of surrender proclaimed:
RANK S. SCORE 230,102.
At the same time, Pen-Pen awoke from his nap and left the comforting coolness of his freezer. He was holding in his flippers a large sheet of stiff paper almost as big as he was, while in his beak he held a small envelope. He took a few steps toward the kitchen table and with a gesture of Herculean strength, leapt over the chair and placed both objects on the table.
Footsteps could be heard approaching and Asuka went into the kitchen.
"Are you still making that collage?" Asuka said after drinking some water.
"Wark."
Pen-Pen jumped out of the chair and began to search unsuccessfully for something under the table.
"Here is your glue." Asuka opened a kitchen drawer and placed the glue stick on the table. Pen-Pen didn't react, he jumped again to the chair, and with difficulty began grabbing photos out of the envelope.
"Let me help you."
Pen-Pen made a sound that Asuka had never heard before, as if the penguin was protesting with all his might in clear disapproval.
"What's wrong with you? I just want to help you, it's obvious that you can't deal with this by your own."
Pen-Pen responded with another angry sound, his feathers ruffling slightly in his agitation.
"Whatever, I don't even know how you got so far."
Asuka stared at the collage, momentarily amazed at the impressive feat given the obvious physiological limitations of a penguin. Misato's pictures dominated the display, varying in size and capturing her essence through the different ages of her life, many of which naturally included Pen-Pen.
In the center of the collage, below a photo of Misato hugging Pen-Pen, were two photos of Asuka and Shinji, which Asuka immediately recognized the photos from the classified files that Misato had in her room. The pictures were positioned tantalizingly close to each other, separated only by a sliver of space.
So close, yet worlds apart. Asuka thought.
Asuka looked at her photo as if there was a problem with it. She touched it and it peeled off easily; the glue behind it was barely there. She brought the photo closer, noticing the innocence in her eyes and the youthful smile. To her, the picture seemed distant, as if it belonged to another life.
"I need to see if my car has been repaired." Asuka said loudly to herself as an order to take her attention away from the photo.
Clutching the picture like a relic, Asuka made her way out of the apartment. Pen-Pen realized that she had taken the photo, but he did not react and continued to work on his little hobby.
A few minutes passed and the door opened with a hiss, Shinji entered, his face and shirt stained with blood. He left his shoes in the hallway and walked heavily into the kitchen, letting the tap water wash the crimson from his hands, which wasn't right to do in the kitchen, but he didn't care anymore.
He sank into a chair, lost in thought. From his pocket, he pulled out the shattered remains of a watch, its innards exposed. On his wrist, however, shimmered a flawless timepiece, a mirror image of the one Asuka had given him. A weight anchored his heart, and as his gaze fixed on the new watch, he understood that the contempt he felt wasn't for the object, but for himself.
The Pen-Pen collage lay on the table. Shinji noticed the absence of Asuka's photo almost immediately. He guessed that Pen-Pen had removed it, perhaps to apply more glue. Caught in his own reflection, his gaze was locked on his own photo with a blank face. He wondered if he was still trapped in that fourteen-year-old boy or if he had experienced some growth, however slight. When he touched the photo with his fingertip, it came off easily.
"Wack."
Shinji looked down.
"Hi Pen-Pen, I thought you were taking your second nap."
"Wack! Wack! Wack!" Pen-Pen raised his flippers as if he was trying to reach Shinji's face.
"Oh, my face, well, I wanted to give Asuka some sunflowers before the end of the summer, but before I could get them, I got hit by a cyclist. I must have been distracted or something, otherwise why would a cyclist run me over? It was all my fault, as usual."
"Wack!"
"I went to the only watch shop near here to get the watch repaired, but they told me the watchmaker was sick, even though they sold me this watch, it's the same brand and looks exactly the same, the only difference is that the band was different, but they put Asuka's watch band on it."
"Wack."
"Of course, I have to worry! I broke it, this is very special to me, and what did I do? I broke it!"
"Wack."
"I can't have anything good in my life, I can be happy for a while, but I always find a way to ruin everything." Shinji saw his photo. "I am afraid of always going to be stuck with him."
Pen-Pen snatched the photo out of Shinji's hand and swallowed it whole. Confused, Shinji fell to his knees on the floor.
"Why-? Why di-?"
Pen-Pen remained silent, offering only a glance into Shinji's eyes. The penguin approached, flippers outstretched, and without hesitation, Shinji leaned into the comforting embrace, closing his eyes.
"Thank you."
The hug ended and Pen-Pen went to his freezer for his second nap, while Shinji headed to the bathroom. He washed away the forgotten traces of blood on his face, while the cascade of the shower promised him a temporary respite.
After showering, applying a bandage to the wound on his left cheek, and getting dressed, Shinji slipped the watch onto his wrist and looked at it. Its weight reminded him of the passing of time and guilt. The momentary calm of the shower had ended, but with the years, he had gained the unnoticed wisdom of understanding that certain moments were beyond his control. So instead of wallowing in self-pity and guilt, he wanted a distraction to occupy his restless mind. His eyes swept the living room until they settled on the video game console. Without much thought, he decided to allow himself this brief escape.
Shinji kept the volume of the television low. It was as if every sound of the game had the potential to destroy the fragile peace he had been slowly building. He did not want a demanding game to wear out the controller prematurely and unnecessarily, so whenever his fingers manipulated the controller, they did so gently; it was not slowness, but genuine concern for the object and a desire to preserve it.
The first battles reflected the caution with which Shinji moved, but they were riddled with glitches, exacerbating the frustration evident in the frown on his brow.
After several attempts, Shinji considered turning off the console, but the desire to do something right overcame him. He paused the game and slowly got up from the sofa. Walking to the kitchen, he drank a glass of water and closed his eyes, visualizing the enemy's attack pattern, analyzing each move, and looking for opportunities. Determined, he decided to try again, adjusting his strategy based on his observations. It took several more attempts, but the evolution of his approach was evident; it was no longer caution, but a blend of foresight and agility. Finally, after a flawless attack, the boss fell. The silence that followed was broken only by the game announcing his victory:
RANK S. SCORE 230,102.
With a small smile of satisfaction and a sigh of relief, Shinji gently set the control on the television, carrying with him a necessary sense of accomplishment. Pen-Pen was nearby and had a look at Shinji.
"Sorry if I woke you."
Pen-Pen held a picture in his beak. Shinji wanted to grab it, but Pen-Pen walked towards the table and Shinji followed him. Once in the chair, Shinji took the photo that showed him and Asuka. They looked and smiled at each other, speaking a language that only they could understand.
"It's from my last birthday. I didn't remember that Misato had taken this photo."
"Wack."
"We seem pretty happy considering you jumped on my cake minutes before."
Shinji looked at the rest of the collage and randomly touched a few photos. He noticed that they all had enough glue, unlike his picture.
"Pen-Pen, why-"
The door hissed open.
"Hey Shinji, your shoes look like junk, you should wash them."
Shinji's left wrist felt heavy, as did his chest. He was not prepared to face the issue.
"You would never guess what my car ha-"
Asuka entered the kitchen with a supermarket bag in her hands and saw Pen-Pen and Shinji working on the collage together. It wasn't what actually happened, but it was what Asuka saw.
There was a long silence.
He sat still, shrugging his shoulders as if his existence could go unnoticed. Asuka started unpacking the ingredients for dinner at the side of the stove. Turning her back on Pen-Pen and Shinji.
"What happened to your face." Hearing the cold tone of Asuka's voice, Shinji felt a pang in his stomach.
"A cyclist ran me over." Shinji did his best to put it as matter-of-factly as possible. But he knew that he had taken too long to answer Asuka's question.
Asuka turned to him with a look of urgency.
"I'm fine Asuka, I just have a headache." He couldn't look into Asuka's eyes as he answered. "I think I'll go to bed."
As Shinji left the kitchen it was inevitable that Asuka found herself grappling between guilt and frustration. She came to the troubling realization that Pen-Pen's actions weren't the deliberate transgressions she had once perceived. Instead, they mirrored her own reactions when hands reached out to her, be it for matters as significant as her mental health or the simple offer to help her wash her clothes. All in the name of self-pride.
It's that girl's fault. She thought as she remembered the picture she had taken from the collage.
On the other hand, Asuka felt the weight of Shinji's evasiveness as he ran away. The shadows cast by her insecurities were attacking her. Was it all the result of some overlooked action of hers? Or was deciphering Shinji as difficult as understanding the intricate labyrinth of her own heart?
The day melted away, Shinji went out to the apartment terrace and looked at the skyline painted in shades of purple and pink, slowly giving way to a dark blue dotted with some stars. While the sun took its leave on the horizon, sending golden sparkles between the buildings.
"I don't like summer."
Shinji turned his gaze toward the source of the whisper. There, in a corner of the terrace, sat Asuka, contemplating the sky.
"That is funny, considering that we lived in a summer for most of our lives." Shinji said, glancing in her direction, but avoiding looking directly at her.
"Exactly, I didn't know there could be anything else. And when I saw it and felt it, I clung to it."
"I guess I get used to it. I feel like I'm in the wrong place if I feel something I haven't gotten used to." Shinji said as he turned his eyes back to the horizon.
"Okay, you won, I have no idea what I did." Her tone raised.
"What are you talking about?" His eyes kept on the horizon.
"Come here."
Shinji hesitated for a second, but eventually moved closer to her. Asuka saw the subtle traces of his insecurity as he walked.
"I'm talking about that."
"Is not about you." Shinji said as extended his hand, silently asking Asuka for what she held in her hands. "Is about something I did."
Asuka handed him the photo from Pen-Pen's collage.
"I know her." Shinji smiled at the photo.
"Oh, really?" Asuka said, crossing her arms as she fought against herself. The fact that Shinji wouldn't look her in the eye, but smile at the photo was something that hurt.
"Yeah, she is my girlfriend."
"You say that with such pride."
"Of course, why I wouldn't be?"
"Because she is not your damn girlfriend." Asuka stood up and snatched the photo out of Shinji hand. "I am your girlfriend."
There was a little silence.
"The person I'm seeing now is the person I met on an aircraft carrier."
"You don't have a clue what the hell you are talkin' about, you can't even look at my eyes. What can you know about me?"
"I'm not wrong. And tell me, why are you here with a picture of a girl who is no longer you?"
"I was to burn it. I took only what was useful, but she no longer exists. She and the summer can go to hell. And what the hell is this cheap trick of using the picture to avoid telling me what you did?"
Shinji was silent for a moment as he took a step back.
"Just a sad attempt to escape." Shinji looked into Asuka's eyes for the first time that day. But unlike the looks Asuka was addicted to, this look was one of insecurity. "I will never be able to change, I am the same boy."
"I will never be able to change, the great Shinji Ikari said in stoic sarcasm! Don't said stupid things, you are both. The boy I met on the aircraft carrier and the man who can't look me in the eye right now."
Shinji arched his eyebrows in confusion. "Why am I supposed to be both, but you are not?"
"Because that boy never left anyone in danger. Instead, that girl was just full of hate, fear, and anxiety. I don't need her. But you need him, and I certainly need both of you.
"I wish I were who you think I am."
"You are."
"Do you want to know who the great Shinji Ikari is?" Shinji removed the watch from his wrist, offering it to Asuka. "This is Shinji Ikari."
Asuka took the watch and immediately noticed that the watch band was still the same as always, but when she looked at the glass, she saw that it looked like new, but there were deliberate scratches.
"The bicyclist, I assume."
Silence answered for Shinji.
"So, that's all? You had an accident, you blame yourself of it and you think everybody hates you?"
"It is what it is."
"No! Is not. And I'm going to prove it." Asuka approached Shinji's face. "What are you doing here? I mean, on the terrace, you've been avoiding me all day, you locked yourself in your old room, and in the end of the day just decided to come here. You couldn't end the day without facing up to what you had done."
In a brief moment, Shinji recognized the undeniable truth. His gaze rested on Asuka, this time his eyes reflecting the steady confidence she always evoked in him.
"Everything I've learned about lying, I learned it from you. I know you lie to everyone, sometimes even to yourself, but never to me." Shinji took a napkin from his pocket, on which the original watch was wrapped. "And I'm not going to do it either, not today, not never."
A smile tugged on Asuka's lips. That answer was from her Shinji.
"I know that sometimes our insecurities get the worst of us and make us do and say things that only hurt both of us. I don't care about a silly watch and I'm already tired of it."
"Don't say that." Shinji sounded dispirited.
Asuka threw the fake watch to the ground. "Hey, when someone gives you something, it's never about the object, it's about the thread that binds two people together."
There was a short silence. "Asuka, you will always be much smarter than me, yet you don't understand what this watch means to me."
Asuka said nothing, waiting.
"This watch is us." Shinji said, turning it to reveal its disassembled parts. "It's made up of unique pieces, each with a purpose. If they were identical, it wouldn't work. It is the differences that make it work. Look at how chaotic it is when all the pieces are not in place, but when they are, everything can be perfect."
Asuka took a moment to process the words before replying with a sad smile. "So, are you the cogwheel and I the spring, or is it the other way around?"
Shinji laughed softly, recognizing that Asuka said that in an attempt to lighten the mood.
"It's not that simple, or maybe it is. Together and in harmony, we can be as precise as time. It doesn't matter what pieces we are, what matters is our bond and the symphony we can create together, not the dissonance."
Asuka gently caressed Shinji's chin.
"You just said it. We are on this together, a watch it doesn't matter. You are the arm, and I am the fist."
Shinji laughed, his smile radiating sincerity.
"You liked the sound of that, don't you?" Asuka said before she kissed his forehead. "You know, we are so close, yet-"
"Worlds apart." Shinji said, interrupting her.
"Yeah, and I can't blame you if you want to keep the watch."
"I should let it go."
"It's your call. I still believe in what I said. But that doesn't mean I have to be at war with the opinions you hold differently from me."
Shinji closed his hand around the watch. "I want to keep it."
"Well, then it needs to be fixed and nobody is going to ever touch your watch. Nobody but you and me and no matter how many times you fall, you will always get up as you always do, and I will be with you no matter the time or place."
"Do you know how to repair it?"
"No, but I am young, smart and arrogant. We can learn how to do it, we have a lifetime to do it".
"So, I am also smart and arrogant?"
"Not exactly, you are only young and arrogant."
Both of them gave a small smile as Shinji grabbed her hand.
"Yeah, I guess you are right, and you always find the way to make me smile."
"Of course. I love to make you laugh and smile, that's how I can show to the world how beautiful you are."
"Wish I could make you laugh and smile like you make me."
"You do. You don't have to be me or anybody else, just be yourself. Be the boy I met on the carrier and the man who is with me right now. Both are my Shinji."
"And you be the girl in the yellow dress and the woman who is with me every night. You are both my Asuka."
Shinji could see that Asuka was lost in thought after he said that.
"I know she hurt you a lot, he hurt me too. But we can't escape them forever. We can do what they never did. Accept them for who they were and learn how to love them, even with their defects."
They hugged each other and remained silent. The sun had already set, the stars illuminated them both, and the soft wind played with their hair. Every second they held each other tighter, enjoying each other's warmth.
"This is where I belong." Asuka whispered in Shinji's ear.
"Where we belong."
Holding hands, they entered into their room. Pen-Pen's collage lay on their bed, accompanied by a glue stick and their shared photograph.
Beyond the window, amidst the constellations, two figures made of stars appeared, mirroring both of them—they approached each other, and their hands slowly drew closer.
· · · · ·
If anything was more elusive than Asuka's departure, it was the soft trails of her tears as she retreated from Shinji's side. Her hand, as on countless occasions, hesitating whether or not to slide the door.
"Asuka."
She turned to Shinji, only to see a mirror of her own soul—two blue eyes, shrouded in tears that carried pain.
Asuka's lips lifted in a sad smile.
"Yes?"
"I need to talk to you."
A/N: Illustration by Chenglou.
Take a look to her other works in pixiv en/users/82855586/artworks