The Legend of Zelda: Bones of the City
Beginning AN:
It took me an embarrassingly long amoung of time to come up with this, and an even longer amount of time to actually write it. But, yeah, I'm one of the people that's slightly disappointed in Tears of the Kingdom having the same map as Breath of the Wild and wasn't... ultra impressed by what (admittedly plentiful) new content it did offer. I'll elaborate more on this by the end, but really, I thought of just making a little joke story both to just kind of have something regarding my thoughts out there, and to challenge myself with making shorter and more joke-y works sprinkled in with my longer and more serious projects. So, about 'shorter,' this is definitely going to be a one-off. No sequels or anything of the sort, and I won't do something like this for another franchise (eg my semi-retired "SBIG" Series).
I know now that there are no actual plans for a sequel to Tears of the Kingdom, but I didn't know when I came up with the idea, and I wanted to keep with this because I thought it would be a fun minor distraction from my larger projects.
(The Very Beginning of the Game)
Zelda was dusting an old book in Hyrule Castle's study before suddenly feeling a tinge. Gasping, she looked down.
A sickening shimmer effect was going up her body, starting from her feet, and everything below that was stone.
"LINK!" She cried. "I'M TURNING IN TO ST-"
But it was too late. The effect swept over her at lightning speed.
When Link entered the room, Zelda was already turned to a stone statue.
"GWUAH!" Link gasped.
Coming 2029
Nintendo Presents
The Legend of Zelda
Bones of the City
The ground rumbled, and a blinding light appeared outside - Link rushed out to the window of the library room, seeing some sort of violet shining object in the sky. It resembled a miasma of some kind.
And then the ground tore up, creating a fissue that Link and the petrified Zelda both fell in to.
Link woke up from having fallen through Hyrule and the Depths, awakening in an even deeper, darker pit. In front of him... what appeared to be ruins?
A ghost manifested in front of him. Hylian in appearance, except with a pronounced, large forehead that jutted out in front of him. He was dressed in a leopard skin-like cloth, and held a giant bone club. He was covered in hair all over his body.
"Link." The ghost said. "You meet last king of Hyrule ghost, one hundred years. You meet first of Hyrule ghost, ten thousand years. I Leader Ugh, leader of first-ever hunter-gather group that went to land that would be Hyrule. I million years!"
Link gasped.
"You see, in land of Hyrule, there major disaster. Long ago, dinos used to roam land. But dinos taken out. And the reason for their dying is..."
Link had a vision of a gigantic, flaming rock soaring through space. Slowly, the 'view' around that rock began to rotate.
It revealed a face that greatly resembled that of Ganondorf. Grinning, laughing. A very exaggerated grin at that.
"The Prime Demon Garnondorf!"
The meteor hit the primitive Hyrule lands, causing a massive violet explosion to expand and engulf the whole to-be kingdom, and the vision ended.
"Now Link." The spirit of Leader Ugh continued. "Must find shrines. Get blessing. Tap inner ancestors. Then can leave ditch. Prime Demon Garnondorf return in million years. Meteor strike again. Must prevent."
The shrines were small cave-like structures. They glowed yellow, decorated with several glowing primitive cave markings. Nodding, Link walked in.
...
Inside was a large, mystic structure, a strange chamber. It was there that he was met with the ghost of Leader Ugh again.
"Now. Think." He said. "Think back. Past incarnations. Ancestors."
Link closed his eyes as yellow lights entered his forehead and images began flashing in his head. Other versions of himself. Past incarnations. Through time... through the skies... All through one legend...
But then, to his own surprise, he went further than that. Further than the man who navigated the clouds and started the cycle. Beyond even his line's status as a Hylian. Through... through... through...
Link opened his eyes and found himself as a monkey.
"Ee-AAAAHH!" He screached. A monkey noise, just to be clear.
"That's right." Said Ugh. "In order to save world. Reject humanity. Return to monke."
Animal Transformations! Become your distant genetic ancestors! (And more!)
Link ventured around in his monkey form in Hyrule Field, running in to a Bokoblin camp. And then, Link used his ultimate weapon in that form.
Throwing a steaming hot brown glob of poop at the Bokoblins.
"HE-HAAAH!" He screached.
New Ability: Poo-Flinging!
Link also demonstrated some of the other transformations he obtained from the shrines:
An early aquatic animal. Link tore through the waters of Hyrule, salt and fresh, at lightning speeds. From diving under, to exploding out in mountain-height jumps. Yeah, not as fun as the poo-flinging, sorry.
Beyond the monkeys on the evolutionary scale, an early hominid. Hyli...nid? Specifically, the discoverer of fire. Which ended up allowing him to set even more things on fire. Specifically, he could ignire trees and grass in an instant. A god of deforestation.
And finally, a... fungus. Link could connect to his relatively close (at least compared to plants) relative of fungi, and sprout out major mushroom attacks. In that form, he grew a giant white cap with red spots on it.
Zelda is now an item!
Zelda's petrified form appeared in Link's inventory, grouped with the Materials. Among the things Link could do were hold her out like a shield, deflecting shots, although like everything else, she had durability.
"Hey, I couldn't help but notice that you... sniiiiiff... have the Princess with you..." said Bozai. That guy trying to get in Gerudo Town in both previous games, for those who don't know the name. "I'll sell it for a good rupee... after all, I love my women... completely immobile..."
Well this Link turned that down but any particularly sadistic player could sell her. New feature!
Go to the past! Most of the story is in flashbacks, this time, Link can project there!
After interacting with a light, Link was transported to the past in spirit form. Most of the surface map looked the same, since Hyrule still hadn't completely recovered from the Calamity and there were still ruined towns aplenty, except the structures that were there were simply absent. Caveman times.
There, he saw Zelda's distant ancestor. Who looked like Zelda, but with one of those big cavemen foreheads and in a leopard skin loincloth. There was also a primitive Sheikah woman, Impa's distant ancestor, who looked similar. Both were looking at an Electric Keese.
"Hoo hoo hoo..." Primitive Zelda said.
She touched the Keese and got electrocuted.
"Ugh?" Asked the Primitive Impa. Who also touched the Keese, and got electrocuted.
Then Primitive Zelda touched it, again being zapped.
And then Primitive Impa.
"ARGH!" Link's spirit projection asked, completely baffled by their stupidity. To his surprise, they reacted to it. Primitive Zelda in particular spun around and stood on guard with her arms out to her side.
"Link." Leader Ugh's voice was heard in his head. "No timeline alter. Or paradox."
Time Paradox mechanic! Ruin the timeline as you wish!
A graphic of the Hyrule Historia timeline appeared, and a photo-realitic explosion graphic appeared over it.
...
When Link flashed back to the present, he saw Hyrule littered with posters everywhere. Vote for Ganondorf for re-election. After all, nobody else is running. And the posters showed him with a certain giant grin on his face.
Also the Garnondorf meteor was still there anyway.
Whelp, shoot, time to reload that last save. The quest to fix that was kind of a pain.
Master Sword 3.0!
"Bruh why TF do you keep losing that sword I swear to Farore." The Great Deku Tree said. "Uhhhhhh... I think it's deep under the ocean or smth. You could say it's poetic, you get it by land in BotW air in TotK and sea here in BotC. But please stop losing it."
Four Engaging Dungeons!
Anyway, enough messing around, time to get to the quests.
"LINK!" Shouted Paya. "Goron City, Zora's Domain, Gerudo Town, and Rito Village are facing disaster again!"
Link's first stop ended up being Goron City.
"Link!" Yonobo cried. "Something terrible is happening in Goron City! An earthquake split the entire Eldin region in half! And now there's a big wall of fire errupting through the mountains!"
'Wall of fire' was, if anything, a massive understatement. The damn crack was just behind Goron City, between there and Death Mountain, and it spewed a fierce barrier that stretched up far past the top volcano and up towards the sky layer.
Oh, right, layers. The Sky and the Depths were still both involved. However, two more were since added, as Link discovered upon leaving the Ancient Burried Civilization at the beginning. The Clouds, heavenly reaches beyond the sky islands and ruins that offered even more space, and the Bottom, which lurked beyond even the pits of the Depths.
Anyway, that wasn't too important. What was was that it was time to head to the Mound of Flame, the Source of Origin for the Aspect of Fire. Within the Mound was a quintet of miniature volcanos that needed to be activated. They were for blasting away a gigantic rock wall, guarding the cause of the flame.
Okay the bosses of Tears of the Kingdom diverged a lot from Breath's bosses. Bones would still continue that, and actually, the bosses of Tears were pretty neat I'll admit. Yeah... I've got nothing for this right now. Just a genuinely impressive giant fire monster lurking here.
"Link! Zora's Domain is being hit by tsunamis!"
"Rito Village is completely incased in ice!"
"There's this big pile of sand over Gerudo Town. It's a little inconvenient."
All four quests, completed. All that was left was to take on the gigantic, violet meteor heading closer and closer to Hyrule. To reach that, Link needed to go to Hyrule Castle. Which was lifted higher in the sky, to the Clouds, standing at the peak of the five-tier map.
Link rose to the top and drew his sword. There, the meteor stopped in its tracks, Ganondorf's face appeared on it, and the giant rock laughed. Link was pulled in to it.
He landed sword-first, giving a downward thrust.
"AHH!" Shouted Ganon... Garnondorf? Ganongar? "That sword hurts! What is that thing?"
Link opened his mouth-
"That is the Master Sword." Zelda's voice. "The Blade of Evil's Bane."
"What? Who said that?!"
"It is I. Zelda, petrified. I can just faintly keep contact with Link."
"And me Zelgar. Zelda ancestor. No like zappy bat. We not approve of slaughter. You bad man. Must pay."
"I Leader Ugh. No know why here. I just tutorial guy. Bye."
"BAH!" The ancestor to the Demon King shouted. He lifted a hand, generating a sword made out of pure vileness - the true true form of malice and gloom. "As if some moderner will slay me!"
"HYUH!" Link cried out, taking his Master Sword out.
And with that, the final battle was on. Link gave a few sword swings-
But then suddenly got the most awful idea imaginable. He returned to monke.
And threw his poo at Garnondorf. It hit him right in the eyes.
"ARRGH! Holy crap! My weakness! How could you?!" He shouted, throwing his face back, putting his hands up there. Giving Link all the time needed to turn back in to a Hylian, rush up, and-
"HUHHH-YAAA!" With another cry, Link gave a decisive slash, taking off Garnondorf's head.
The meteor's violet flames died out and it just stopped right in place. For a moment, it seemed as though everything was all over.
But then. A dark aura pulsed below. Link heard Zelda's voice:
"Link... It's Garnondorf... he's within the meteor now! He is going to link to the ancestors himself, merged with his dark power! his form would be unimaginable!"
A giant crack appeared beneath Link's feet, conveniently making him fall down to where Garnondorf's essense lied.
In the center.
Link was there just in time to witness the Demon Ancestor's transformation. There, surrounded by the horrid flames of vileness, he let out a frieghtening roar. He transformed in to the ultimate ancestor...
An amoeba.
A live-sized amoeba. With Ganondorf/Garnondorf's face, but it wasn't like Link could see it. Well, he could see the pulsing violet energy coming from it. Even as it fell to the ground. Because of his overall size, Garnondorf just kind of looked like violet sparks of goo coming out of one spot in nothing.
Shrugging, Link walked over and stepped on him, making a tiny squishing noises and seemingly destroying him for good, for the third time.
The petrified Zelda began to glow, and with a flash, Zelda was un-frozen.
"Link!" She said. "The Demon King isn't defeated for good! There are still more steps we need to take to ensure that the Primordial Garnondorf does not reincarnate, and start another cycle of Ganondorfs and demon beasts!"
Link nodded.
Zelda's hands glowed yellow, and a portal opened up.
"Seriyah?" Link asked.
"The meteor? There is no time! We have to go back in time now and no later! Also, we can literally time travel, we can just go to this point and destroy it there. See? Look! We've already done that! And will do that!"
Zelda pointed over to a double of herself and Link. The Zelda duplicate was covered in blood, while the Link duplicate looked disturbed.
"ERRAGH?!" The 'present' Link shouted in shock. He looked at the portal and backed away.
The 'Future Link' just shook his head, as if to say 'Don't even bother.'
"LINK!" The Present Zelda shouted. "THERE IS NO TIME! YOUR SWORD IS ENOUGH!"
Both she and the Future Zelda pushed Link in to the portal, and the Present Zelda lept in after.
"Okay." Zelda recapped their time travel journey. "So, after detroying Demon Meteor Garnondorf, we went to the Primordal Source of Demon Kings, slain the Grand Embodiment of Evil Itself, retconned Ganondorf out of existence in all timelines ever - which is our explanation on why Nintendo made previous titles for sale online limited a year before this game came out - and went back in time to both when Garnondorf and Ganondorf were babies and killed each of them..."
Link flinched. That last one was where most of the blood on Future Zelda came from, by the way.
"Well, I killed each of them, because you turned out to be a coward. Anyway, Link, we must still be on the lookout. Because there is a chance Ganondorf might be back yet again."
"Are you FUCKING kidding me?!" Link shouted.
Formally Announcing
Coming 2035
The Legend of Zelda
Fever of the World
Closing AN:
Alright, I have a slight feeling this may piss people off moreso than the usual of what I write, because this is specifically parodying a popular and current (enough) video game, so I wanna be clearer than usual. This isn't meant to completely dunk on Tears of the Kingdom. It's more of a tongue in cheek parody thing.
I don't hate Tears of the Kingdom. There was a lot of it that I liked, in fact, that it did better than Breath, and not even just in the "more stuff" sense. The shrines for one, they were an improvement over the BotW shrines. Hell I enjoyed the Depths more than most people did. I might elaborate on this later, but uh... yeah, I'm just not very big on sequels that are extremely similar to their predecessors and have recycled storylines ("Oh but you like Mario and stuff which is guilty of that" yes I do and I also didn't like reused stories of that series, I do like it when a Mario game does something different, which thankfully has been happening a lot more since the Switch era). If you're curious, I played enough to beat the Lightning Temple, Water Temple, Construct Factory/Spirit Temple, and Fire Temple in that order. Then Pikmin 4 came out and even after beating that game twice I haven't touched Tears since. I might make a little review or something to elaborate on my exact thoughts, but in short (and to risk sounding a bit like a sheep or something), Nerrel's review of the game generally sums up my thoughts. I mean, he's nicer to the Sky than I am and had more problems with Ultrahand, but the jist is there.
Anyway, the point is, this wasn't written out of malice. (Or gloom. Or vileness.) It wasn't written to intentionally piss anyone off. My goal was trying to make something funny, and I do believe that there's a difference between comedy that actually tries to be funny as a goal first, even if it dabbles in black humor, versus "comedy" whose main goal is to make people mad. I don't like the latter. Unless maybe the targets are genuine (I mean legitimate) awful people, and even then that's iffy because that tends to just attract arrogance. If you think Tears of the Kingdom is Game of the Year 2023, good for you, that's fine. And I hope you still find this funny.
I wanted to worm the Yiga and Master Kohga in here somewhere but I couldn't think of any good ideas, and towards today I went "Meh, the story's complete, this is good enough" and rolled with it. Maybe I'll edit this down the line.
A volcano errupted. A makeshift boat of wood blasted its way through a vast land of mud and poison water. Mine carts rolled down tracks that crossed between frost and flame.
In blackness, a light flicked on, showing a massive gang of kids armed with some crude neighborhood props used as weapons. Their leader, standing atop a car.
The longest two hour trip in history finally resumes its second chapter.
Movie Day.
Chapter 2.
Hopefully would be out by December 2023, if not January 2024 at the latest.
Sorry this took so long.